From: AubreyBack to jokes index
Sent: February 20, 2004
Subject: FW: [Fwd: Ok, one for You.....]A friend of mine who keeps up with the latest scientific discoveries sent me this. It's enlightening, to say the least.
New Element Discovered!
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".
From: Aubrey
Sent: February 27, 2004
Subject: FW: Blonde JokeA blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
From: Aubrey
Sent: March 3, 2004
Subject : FW: Cranial FlatulenceBush cost me my job, my kids and my houses
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations.
We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions. They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.
This competition could hardly be called "fair". I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.
Not a single government program was there to help me.
How can Bush call himself "compassionate"? Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.
While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left.
How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.
And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian.
If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.
If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!
Regards,
Saddam Hussein
From: Aubrey
Sent: March 3, 2004
Subject : FW: Arkansas Engineering ExamUNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ENGINEERING EXAM
We are a little sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are when compared with their northern brethren. If you exclude those living in Florida, this is a patently false premise. To prove my point, we would like any of the so-called smart Yankees to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department.
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
From: Aubrey
Sent: March 17, 2004
Subject: FW: Mexican love storyMaria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria otra vez there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."
From: Aubrey
Sent: March 18, 2004
Subject : FW: RxA lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license. They'd throw both of us in jail."
The lady reached into her purse, pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the photo. "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
From : keren yo
Sent : March 24, 2004
Subject : çć÷A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
From: Aubrey
Sent: April 20, 2004
Subject : FW: Fromage alert...
> AP and UPI report: > > The French Government announced today > that in light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised its > terror alert level from "run" to "hide." > > This is of grave concern to Parisians since the only two > higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."
From: Eldeen
Sent: May 22, 2004
Subject : Fwd: FW: 7 reasons not to mess with a child
> > 7 reasons not to mess with a child > > > > A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. > > The teacher said it was physically impossible for a > > whale to swallow a human because even though it was > > a very large mammal its throat was very small. > > The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a > > whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could > > not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. > > The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask > > Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" > > The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". > > > > A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom > > of children while they were drawing. She would > > occasionally walk around to see each child's work. > > As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, > > he asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm > > drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one > > knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,or looking > > up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." > > > > > A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten > > Commandments with her five and six year olds. > > After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy > > Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a > > commandment that teaches us how to treat our > > brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one > > little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..." > > > > One day a little girl was sitting and watching her > > mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly > > noticed that her mother had several strands of white > > hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. > > She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, > > "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" > > Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do > > something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of > > my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this > > revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come > > ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" > > > > The children had all been photographed, and the > > teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a > > copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will > > be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, > > 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, > > He's a doctor.' “ A small voice at the back of the room > > rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. " > > > > A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of > > the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, > > she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the > > blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn > > red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is > > it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position > > the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, > > "Cause your feet ain't empty." > > > > The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a > > Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of > > the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a > > note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. > > God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, > > at the other end of the table was a large pile of > > chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, > > "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." > > > > It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember, > > if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too! > > > > >
From: Aubrey
Sent : May 26, 2004
Subject : Trials and TribulationsSanta's Annual License Check
It is a little known fact that Santa has to keep his pilots license up to date, in order to make his deliveries every year, and so the old man wasn't to surprised when he got a letter from the CAA informing him that an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual re-certification procedures.A detail of elves were dispatched to wash and polish the sleigh, another group assigned to inspect service and repair the tack and a third squad started grooming the reindeer. Santa himself got out his logbook and the rest of the paperwork and made sure that it was all up to date and in order.
On the appointed day the examiner arrived and after the ritual cup of coffee he went over Santa's log and the paperwork then followed Santa outside. After a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations, the examiner watched Santa do the pre-flight checks, then followed closely behind him, looking closely at everything from the bells to Rudolph's nose. When finished, he turned to Santa and said: "It looks pretty good so far. Let me get one thing out of my bags and then we'll take her up."
When the examiner got back, Santa was in the sleigh and ready to taxi. As the examiner climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's that for?" he asked. The examiner looked at him, then winked: "I really shouldn't tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on take-off".
From: Aubrey
Sent : May 26, 2004
Subject : Anything for a laughParking Tickets
I went to the newsagents in town the other day, and I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to her and said, "Please don't write me a ticket I was only a few minutes!"
She totally ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called her a miserable woman.
She glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called her a mean vindictive old busy body. She finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then she started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused her, the more tickets she wrote.
I didn't care.My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
From: Aubrey
Sent: May 26, 2004
Subject : A Wiley Coyote MomentThe Bricklayers Accident Report
"I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You ask for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I was working alone on the roof of a six-story building. When I completed my work I found I had some bricks left over which later were found to weigh 240lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135lbs.
Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel which was proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in to the pulley.
Fortunately I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on to the rope. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel . Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
I began a rapid descent. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when i fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay in pain on the pile of bricks I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its rapid descent back towards me....."
From: Aubrey
Sent : May 26, 2004
Subject : Expensive parking?Just a shortie.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
From: Jennifer Sansing
Sent: May 29, 2004
Subject : Letters to the Editor, May 28Some people just shouldn't write letters to the newspaper:
"Use common sense Folks in their 70's still able to drive, most drive. Walking in high winds is hard for one to balance. Accidents caused by the young can be avoided if they would use the common sense God gave them. Notice passing skidding to stop. Wear on tires, brakes and the car. Seeing yellow light is a warning. Red is for stop. Trucks now hauling hay and silage a few inexperienced drivers. I encounter one. My experience of years past paid off. Was able to handle the situation with no problem. I was conscious of my driving. Using the cruise control, pumping brakes when seeing something wrong to warn follower, I was able to stop very fast. Had no other choice in lots of traffic. Knowing my car and alert. Folks driving large vans, cars and trucks do not pay attention to smaller cars or motorbikes. Small car drivers if alert can scurry for an opening without a bent fender. Distorted antenna on small cars and motorbikes to attract attention."- end June 12th 2004