Sent: June 18, 2004
Subject: FW: Shoes
Thanks Miss Linda!
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take > > home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way ... but was very > > reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the > > highly prized shoes. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude > > of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll > > just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at > > A decent price!" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just > > go and give it a try, why don'cha!" > > > > The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, > > determined to catch herself an alligator. > > > > Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to > > the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing > > waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he > > spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. > > > > With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature... and, with a > > great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby > > were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the > > bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. > > > > Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the 'gator on its back. Then, > > rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she > > shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"
From: Aubrey
Sent: June 22, 2004
Subject : Doctor is in...what?
PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) - An Oregon doctor, who had sex with a patient and then charged the state about $5,000 for his "treatments," has been jailed for 60 days and stripped of his license, officials said on Friday.
Dr. Randall J. Smith, 50, told the woman that massaging her "trigger points" would ease her pelvic pain. The treatments led to sexual intercourse and Smith billed the Oregon Health Plan for the 45-minute sessions at the Adventist Health Medical Group clinic in Gresham, Oregon, near Portland.
Smith must also perform 200 hours of community service and pay $1,105 in fines and is on probation for 18 months as part of the plea agreement. He also turned in his medical license.
Though he pleaded guilty to submitting false health care claims, a felony, Smith maintained the sex with the 47-year-old woman was consensual.
Adventist repaid about $5,000 to the state, David Russell, clinic administrator for the hospital said.
From: Aubrey
Sent: June 24, 2004
Subject : FW: Score: 17
UH OH! I got 18!
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches >located? >a. On the floor shift knob >b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch >c. Next to the horn > >2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what >was it used? >a. Capture lightning bugs >b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing >c. Large salt shaker > >3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? >a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk >b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled >c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, >expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. > >4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? >a. Blackjack >b. Gin >c. Craps! > >5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings >when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? >a. Suntan >b. Leg painting >c. Wearing slacks > >6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you >couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? >a. Studebaker >b. Nash Metro >c. Tucker > >7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? >a. Strips of dried peanut butter >b. Chocolate licorice bars >c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside > >8. How was Butch wax used? >a. To stiffen a flattop haircut so it stood up >b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing >c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust > >9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to >your shoes? >a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key >b. Woven straps that crossed the foot >c. Long pieces of twine > >10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? >a. Consider all the facts >b. Ask Mom >c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo > >11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s? >a. Smallpox >b. AIDS >c. Polio > >12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" >a. SUV >b. Taxi >c. Streetcar > >13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? >a. Old Blue >b. Paint >c. Macaroni > >14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? >a. Part of the game of hide and seek >b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores >c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an >A-bomb drill. > >15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? >a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring >b. Princess Sacajewea >c. Princess Moonshadow > >16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests >were handed out in school? >a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you >high >b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window >c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure > >17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with >purchases? >a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like >bubble gum >b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household >items >c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos > >18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? >a. Meatballs >b. Dames >c. Ammunition > >19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song >"Cabdriver" a hit? >a. The Ink Spots >b. The Supremes >c. The Esquires > >20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? >a. Tony Bennett >b. Xavier Cugat >c. George Gershwin > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >--------- >ANSWERS > >1. B) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in >Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. > >2. B) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? > >3. C) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the >bottle top. > >4. A) Blackjack Gum. > >5. B) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the >back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. > >6. A) 1946 Studebaker. > >7. C) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. > >8. A) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. > >9. A) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a >shoestring around your neck. > >10. C) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. > >11. C) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies >and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread >of the disease. > >12. B) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! > >13. C) Macaroni. > >14. C) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in >an A- bomb drill. > >15. A) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. > >16. A) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. > >17. B) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household >items at the Green Stamp store. > >18. C) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. > >19. A) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. > >20. A) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > >SCORING > >17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted >with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a >GEEZER! > >12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy. > >0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than >springtime! > >Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line! >
From: Aubrey
Sent: June 28, 2004
Subject : FW: Cave Drawings
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can judge these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'. "
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: FW: Grandma's Driving
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 2004
GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Share Grandma's letter with your friends... ;)
From : Aubrey
Sent: July 15, 2004
Subject : Got a Light?
Got a Light?
BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. - Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.
Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday.
The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.
From: Aubrey
Sent: July 16, 2004
Subject : Doctor? Where are you???
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German acupuncture patient was left pierced with needles in a clinic after a therapist forgot about her, locked up his practice and went home, police in Hanover said on Thursday.
The 41-year-old woman from the north German town had booked an afternoon session of the ancient Chinese therapy which involves inserting needles into the skin and is believed to prevent disease and relieve pain.
The doctor left her in the treatment room for what she assumed would be a short while, especially since she still had needles embedded in her body.
After 90 minutes the woman began to shout for attention. Getting no response, she realized she was alone and trapped in the building. She alerted police by phone and was later set free when the doctor returned.
From: Aubrey
Sent: July 16, 2004
Subject : Hiding salami no longer an option???
BUCHAREST (AFP) - A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man's testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces.
The surgeon, Naum Ciomu, was said to be a senior member of the hospital staff and a professor of anatomy. He had been operating on a 34-year-old man for a testicular malformation when he committed the act, hospital officials said Friday.
"We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case," said Sorin Oprescu, head of the Bucharest emergency hospital where the operation took place.
Doctor Ciomu had been banned from entering an operating theatre for two months pending the results of an investigation by the medical council, Oprescu said.
Meanwhile the wife of the unfortunate patient said she was suing Dr. Ciomu.
From: Aubrey
Sent: July 22, 2004
Subject : FW: Too Funny
Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls ================================== We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress. Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol. Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet." And how was your day? ~Author Unknown~
From: Aubrey
Sent: July 26, 2004
Subject : FW: single girls
BERLIN (Reuters) - More than 80 percent of single German women are perfectly happy without a man in tow and say living solo gives them more freedom to do what they want, according to a survey for Stern magazine.
Coming amid mounting political alarm about Germany's low birthrate and aging population, the survey of 1,003 women showed only two percent did not enjoy their solitary lifestyle and 36 percent opted to stay single because it was more fun.
Almost half the women said they preferred single life because it was easier to keep their homes tidy and 36 percent said with no man on the scene they didn't have to endure watching sports on television.
From: Aubrey
Sent: July 30, 2004
Subject : FW: Thought You Would Like These
I think I've seen these before, but I can't really remember...
Aubrey
FOR ALL THOSE "SENIOR MOMENTS" Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now, I think I know where my hearing aid is." When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea!" Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so, of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover.. rather than the big shit he always was!" An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster.., and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap." Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 .. oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 5, 2004
Subject: How Hungry can you get?
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - When times get lean in winter, starving bull elk literally have to choose between eating and being eaten, U.S. researchers reported on Tuesday.
They said male elk were grazing so voraciously in Montana that they were allowing wolves to walk right up and eat them.
The problem seems to be that the elk are so thin that they cannot afford to stop gobbling to look around for danger, the team at Montana State University said.
"The bulls will pretty much keep eating until you pry the grass from their cold, dead lips," said ecologist Scott Creel.
Female elk, in contrast, store more body fat and can afford to look up every once in a while, Creel found. "For elk in winter, there's a trade-off between doing the things that will keep them well fed and doing the things that minimize the risk of falling prey to wolves," Creel said in a statement.
The researchers originally believed that bull elk were simply unafraid of wolves because of their size. Writing in the journal Animal Behavior, Creel and colleagues noted that a bull elk can lose more than 100 pounds during the mating season between September and early November.
"They probably can't afford to be as vigilant as cows," said researcher John Winnie, who worked on the study. "They simply cannot stop grazing since they are already in such crummy shape."
Researchers also discovered that elk break up into smaller groups when wolves are around, instead of forming larger herds for defense.
This finding surprised them and may be because it is harder for the wolves to find smaller groups of elk, they said.
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 5, 2004 2:02:19 PM
Subject : Come Groan with me
More juvenile humor, for a juvenile mind. I did it the easy way; I stole them.
Aubrey
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning," "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 10, 2004
Subject : Men Are From Sears
Men Are From Sears
Author: Dave Barry
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation is very different with women.
When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 17, 2004
Subject : FW: Turnabout is Fair Play
Subject: Turnabout is Fair Play
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says,"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says,"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(the killer line is next )
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 17, 2004
Subject : FW: Farmer
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
From: Aubrey
Sent: August 17, 2004
Subject : FW: Abbot and Costello go Cyberspace!
Subject: Abbot and Costello go Cyberspace! If Abbott and Costello were around today... Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........