END OF 2004:Back to Jokes IndexFrom: Aubrey
Sent : September 13, 2004
Subject : FW: Woman's RevengeW/o comment.
AubreyA tippo to Lisa!
WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop here.RELATIVES
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede his or her position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to the man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband turned to his wife and said, "What?"STUPIDITY
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you."COFFEE MAKER
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it because that is your job and I can wait for my coffee." The wife replied, "No, you should do it and besides, it is in the Bible that man should do the coffee." The husband says, "I can't believe that; show me." So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says...
"HEBREWS"
From : Aubrey
Sent : September 13, 2004
Subject : FW: the NUNA nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, may I please use the restroom?"
The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, because now they know you're one of us,"said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
From : Adkins,
Sent : October 5, 2004
Subject : FW: WeaponsTeacher arrested as terror suspect
Omnibus News service, Friday, July 9, 2004A NEW YORK public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ' There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
From : Aubrey
Sent : October 7, 2004
Subject : I'll miss him/herThe Passing of an Old Friend….
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense.He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
But his health declined when he became infected with "If-it-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. His health declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, people too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
From : Aubrey
Sent : October 15, 2004
Subject : FW: Need a break, take this test. My score is 37... I believe my score is accurate.
AubreyBelow is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55 -- he did this test on Oprah-she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it to you placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now....... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject of the E-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready??
Begin.
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed.7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep....
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant*
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g)1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10.(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 !
*
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions &who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything!They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box!
Gok got a 36. :)
From : Aubrey
Sent : October 19, 2004
Subject : FW: Sperm CountSperm Count
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
From : Adkins, Aubrey
Sent : October 28, 2004
Subject : FW: I had to look :(((The details are gory.
I had to look - it's awful
Not for the faint of heart...A Police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper.
Taken shortly after he landed, It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
From : Aubrey
Sent : November 3, 2004
Subject : FW: CowsThanks Theresa!
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.
Now give me back my dog!"
From : Aubrey
Sent : November 30, 2004
Subject : FW: Re: Fwd: RELIEVING STRESS...heheJust in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating a gentle gurgling sound.
7. The water is crystal clear.
8. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
See! You're smiling already.
See Ya!
Send this to all your friends who need some Stress Relief!
***************** END OF 2004 !
