To the citizens of the United States of America:In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today - November 7, 2000.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following twenty rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary (You may find an old copy in your local library (That's the place that keeps all those books). Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. The letter 'U' will be reintroduced with immediate effect, so color is back to colour, etc.
4. You should learn to distinguish the English, South African and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
5. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
6. You will all learn that you didn't win both world wars. The facts are you only just made the first and were late for the second and then only got in the way. It was the Russians and the British forces that won World War 2. (With some help from Hitler) You must right this down one hundred times (the 80% of you that can't write will shout it out loud three hundred times)
7. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
8. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
9. Meanwhile we will send over a delegation of cricketer's to reintroduce the game which will become your new national sport by the year 2010 by which time at least some of you will have managed to learn the rules. To motivate you we will allow you to beat our national side on a regular basis like everybody else does.
10. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
13. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before taking your order.
14. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with November 5th.
15. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation (holiday) and observe statutory (enforced) tea breaks.
16. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
17. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.
18. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's Bedchamber.
19. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
20. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of the USA.
21. (An extra one for luck) The R & A replaces the USPGA as the only ruling body for Golf.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day!
Signed on this day of our Lord - Tuesday, November 7, 2000 by the Governor General of The United States of America and commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey for and on behalf of Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
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