Geek Speak

by Guy Kawasaki (Forbes Magazine)

GEEK SPEAK, like most such hip means of expression, is designed to impress the outsider with the user's deep knowledge, while preparing to pick the outsider's pocket. In the interest of perhaps saving the general reader a lot of money, I hereby offer my own somewhat cynical definitions of this arcane language:

Amazon.com. The only company that prevents "electronic commerce" from being an oxymoron.

Banner. A mechanism to decrease the profits of Internet service providers by slowing down access to a Web site.

Browser. Operating system software that creates a stream of revenue for lawyers.

Cable modem. A gizmo that creates a $4 billion valuation for a company with 50,000 customers.

Click through. The speed at which you try to avoid on-line advertising.

CPM (cost per M.B.A.). The average amount of money each M.B.A. causes a company to lose.

Content. The information on a Web site that a company employs 25 people to gather that could have been obtained by reading any newspaper.

ADSL. Asynchronous dumb "sushi" luck. The conditions it takes to get a high-speed, full-time connection installed in your house. (Yo, Pacific Bell: I've been trying for six months.)

Earnings per prayer. The ratio of projected earnings divided by the number of prayers necessary to reach those earnings.

Eyeballs. The number of people who have no money who are coming to a Web site that has no content.

FAQ (frequently avoided questions). A company's attempt to answer commonly asked questions such as, "How do I get technical support?"

IPO. An acronym for initial public offloading. The transfer of risk from venture capitalists to the general public for which the general public thanks you.

Impressions. The number of venture capitalists an entrepreneur sees before getting funding.

Java. The language of the largest group of migrant workers in Silicon Valley: Microsoft haters.

Netscape. Verb. The process of getting slaughtered by fair and unfair means by Microsoft. "We were netscaped when they started giving away the software."

Pitch. Verb. To believe you're doing people a favor by asking them for their money. "We already have a PowerPoint presentation, so we can pitch Mayfield on a $5 million investment for 10% of our company."

Shaft. The most common consequence of an investor's listening to a pitch.

Portal. A hole in the Internet through which shareholders pour money.

Push. Verb. To provide information that doesn't matter to people who can't use it.

Search engine. A technique devised by Internet service providers and advertisers to convince you that you should stay on-line continuously.

Secure site. A Web site that may be safer than giving a credit card to a waiter who is a convicted felon.

Spread. The practice of buying Microsoft stock while supporting antitrust litigation against it.

Stockbroker. An entity to sell stocks through. (No one who's "connected" in Silicon Valley buys stocks after the IPO.)

Valuation. The practice of assigning the value of an entire industry to the first company in the industry.

Window. The time between when a company innovates and Microsoft incorporates.

Windows. The sum total of all the times companies innovated and Microsoft incorporated.

Yang. Verb. To build something out of nothing. For example, "When I started this business, there were ten search engines, but I yanged ours into a multibillion-dollar valuation.