Weekend of the Ex-Boyfriends

This weekend I encountered 2 of my ex-boyfriends in widely different circumstances.

First I went to a birthday party of one. Jake and I went out for about 9 months, and during that time my depression got steadily worse, to the point where I was having paranoid anxiety attacks at work (the one place I absolutely love). He finally broke up with me because he didn't "like" me anymore (and that's a direct quote) that just sliced me up. But that I can forgive him for. I look back, and I don't like who I was then. Dependent, clingy, needy. But his inability to see that he had helped bring me to that state, by never complimenting me on things other than my appearance, by being controlling and distant, meant that I still have unresolved things with him.
And then of course there was the after break-up sex, which he initiated, and then tried to blame me and alcohol for.

Anyway, it was nice to see him again, but he kind of feels a bit icky now. I still can see that little boy inside, and my heart reaches out, but there is a sliminess to him that I didn't used to feel, and I am saddened to see on him. He's a good person, but thoughtless.
I miss him, but I miss the guy I used to know, not the one he is now.
(By the way I looked fantastic at his party .. always a good tactic!!)

And so then the following day, I was at a film shoot. It was an amateur film shoot for a very good friend of mine. I was to be the girl who invited the serial killer back to bed. Not a very long-lived role , but it was short film so it's ok.
This was all filmed at my ex-boyfriend Sam's parents house. This was one of the strangest relationships I've ever been in. We dated for a month, and then, without warning, he just turned around and said "I can't do this." And that was it.
So hard to explain how I feel about it. We've known each other on and off for years, and I had the strong sense that this was the "one". But he obviously didn't. I was hurt, angry, confused, and dazed. My friends said "he's an idiot", "he's gay", "he's a selfish arrogant prick". His friends said "he doesn't know what he's doing", "he's a dick". But it didn't change the feelings.

And of course after that he just stopped communicating with me totally. And I miss that. I miss his humour, his silliness, his stories about all kinds of things. Was I in love. Yes. Did I love him? Yes. Should I have? Did he deserve it. I don't know. But I guess you don't always choose who you fall in love with. And I fell hard.

So anyway, this shoot involved me writhing around under a sheet half-naked, so as you can imagine, I was pretty intimidated by doing this at Sam's parents house. I met his parents, and they are fantastic, wonderful people (sometimes I wonder how they could have produced such a silly son); and it was good to see them again.
And yes, I miss him. And could I look him in the eye?
No. But at least he wasn't rude, or silly, and he didn't make me feel too uncomfortable. Or rather I tried not to feel too uncomfortable in his presence. And now, I am remembering the whole silly fiasco, and all the feelings that I so nicely squashed down are threatening to come up and overwhelm me again. Still, I understand that expressing feelings are important, and I don't think that I did it properly. I analysed them away, but the hurt, the rejection, the pain and the anger are all still there. So when I express my renewed feelings of hurt, and his best friend says "Um. sorry to say this but it's time to stop playing games - and get over it. Everyone else has to - it's time you joined the rest of us in wearing this sort of crap every day." I sigh, and realise that what I really need to do is just cry. Then it'll be gone.

I guess the thing about meeting the ex-boyfriends that dumped you, is that there's a feeling of inadequacy.
What? Wasn't I good enough for you?
I have to remind myself that in actual fact, I was too good for them. And that they were too idiotic, or foolish to be able to work that out.
And that they can't cope with the bad times, they didn't want to sit down and confront the issue that bothered them, it was just easier for them to run away.

*sigh*I'm sick of dating cowards.

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Addendum:
Jake read this piece, and, to say the least, was unimpressed. So I explained to him that I still think that he is a good person. And I do, I must admit it was a seriously stressful weekend, and so some of my comments on Jake were a bit over the top. And since that time, we have started to become friends again, which is good. Our relationship didn't work, but he is still a good person. And I still think quite highly of him. He tried to help me, to be my therapist, but of course it didn't work. I needed a real therapist.

This piece was a vent, so I won't edit the writing above, and the feelings were transitory, and I don't think he's slimy or icky anymore.
:-). He's just a guy, who I know quite well.

He disagrees with me on some of the points above, and he has a total right to, however, this is my opinion, and my opinion is subject to change (whoever said I HAD to be consistent?). If we didn't disagree on some fundamental points, we'd probably still be together.