I let her know that if I discovered the voice "you're lazy" was actually her, i'd let her know. i'm pretty fortunate to have a mother who can accept being wrong sometimes.
the other voice i have is the "you're fat" voice. and today, that's been
exceptionally strong, so I can't pretend that i've gotten rid of it.
I think
it is in reaction to me eating... eating anything at all.
So.. where did these voices come from? well i think the eating one came
indirectly from my father's side of the family. (sometimes i do feel like i am
blaming them for everything, that i'm demonizing them, but then i have to
remember that they are a _bit_ dysfunctional.)
my father's message (see
previous diatribe) about women meant that i actually never wanted to be one. it
wasn't until the last year that i could use the word "woman" without cringing,
that i could wear a low necked top, or have fun in sex.
and i remember him commenting on the one and only time he's met my good
friends... "well, it's good that you haven't got fat like that. you should be
very careful"
so, no comment about how interesting, funny, attractive,
intelligent, non-surfy, motivated they were... just how fat they were.
and so, even though my wonderful friends tell me that i'm actually quite
thin, i'm terrified of being fat.
absolutely goddam terrified.
anyway, one impossible battle a day.. i think i'll work on the "Lazy" issue...