ANNOUNCER: From the Sony Pictures Studio, this is Jeopardy. Now entering the studio are today's celebrity guests. A colonel in his majesty's army from __________, please welcome "?" Fitzwilliam; a naval officer on inactive service from Lyme, please welcome Captain James Benwick; and our returning champion from Bath via Shropshire via Somersetshire via Portsmouth via Plymouth via Monkford, with a one day cash total of twenty thousand dollars, please welcome Captain Frederick Wentworth.
(Applause)
ANNOUNCER: And now here is the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.
(Applause)
ALEX TREBEK: Welcome Ladies and Gentleman. It's military week and we have what promises to be an exciting and interesting half-hour. If you saw yesterdays show you know that Captain Wentworth is a worthy opponent, but Benwick and Fitzwilliam are here to stop him. Lets get started with these six categories: NAVAL HEROES, BY THE SEA, FAMOUS SHIPS, "SEA" MOVIES; with sea in quotation marks and we all know what that means; POTENT POTABLES and lastly, POETS & POETRY. And since Wentworth is the returning champion he selects first.
FITZWILLIAM: Oh now, just wait one minute, I really must object, the categories are most assuredly biased!
TREBEK: I would remind our contestants that the categories were selected weeks in advance and are purely coincidental. Shall we continue? Wentworth, select!
WENTWORTH: (glancing triumphantly at Fitzwilliam) Thank You Alex. I'll take FAMOUS SHIPS for $100.
TREBEK: Answer: This ship was broken up for scrap, eight years ago.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Wentworth…
WENTWORTH: What is the Asp?
TREBEK: Correct! Select!
WENTWORTH: FAMOUS SHIPS for $200, Alex.
TREBEK: Seventy-four gun frigate, second class.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Wentworth…
WENTWORTH: What is the Laconia?
TREBEK: Correct, select again.
WENTWORTH: Let's try…POETS AND POETRY for $100 Alex.
TREBEK: Answer: He wrote "Giaour."
(Beep)
TREBEK: Benwick…
BENWICK: Who was Byron?
TREBEK: Correct, you have control of the board, select.
BENWICK: I'll continue with POETS AND POETRY for $200, Alex.
TREBEK: Complete the next line, "Fare the well, thus disunited…"
(Beep)
TREBEK: Benwick….
BENWICK: What is "torn from every nearer tie."
TREBEK: Correct, select again.
BENWICK: Uh, I wasn't finished Alex, it continues, "seared in heart, lone and blighted,"
TREBEK: Uh, but that was…
BENWICK: (quickly) "More than this I scarce can die…."
TREBEK: All righty then...
(Theme music starts)
TREBEK: Everyone knows what the sound means so we'll take a break and return after these messages from our sponsors.
STAGE DIRECTOR: And we're clear!
FITZWILLIAM: (yelling loudly) I don't like this, not one bit. What is with these categories? I really must object.
LADY IN AUDIENCE: I have an objection too!
WENTWORTH: Really Colonel, this is for charity. You should have more control and show good sportsmanship. A man should hide his emotions. An officer and a gentleman doesn't yell at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. He ought not - he does not.
LADY IN AUDIENCE: (standing and shaking her fist) Do not imagine us ignorant of your previous emotional condition, we know it all.
FITZWILLIAM: That's not what we, I mean, what I have heard. I know you cried for three days together when one Miss Anne Elliot rejected you. You didn't control your emotions then.
WENTWORTH: At least I don't go around telling young ladies I can't marry them because they have no money.
LADY IN AUDIENCE: How dare you insult my nephew? This is not to be borne.
FITZWILLIAM: Sssshh, Auntie, please!
WENTWORTH: Awww, isn't that sweet. You have your Auntie here to fight your battles for you. Maybe she should come up on stage and play the game for you too.
FITZWILLIAM: (shaking his fist)Listen you, I have half a mind to...
WENTORTH: Yes, you do have half a mind!
BENWICK: (with both his hands covering his mouth, quietly sobbing) Oh no...no, no, no.
STAGE DIRECTOR: We're back in thirty seconds!
TREBEK: Gentleman lets keep our tempers in check, after all this is a friendly game. Let us all take a deep breath and calm ourselves. And I caution the members of the audience to take their seats and to keep silent.
WENTWORTH: (loud whisper) Auntie's boy!
FITZWILLIAM: (loud whisper) Crybaby!
TREBEK: Gentlemen...
STAGE DIRECTOR: (Countdown) We're back in… 5, 4, 3, 2 and…. (points to Alex)
TREBEK: Welcome back! This is the point in the show where we meet out celebrity guests and find out what charities they are playing for. (Looks at cards in hand) Our first contestant hails from "blank", and has a question mark for a first name; Colonel Fitzwilliam that is rather unusual, would you please explain.
FITZWILLIAM: Well you see Alex, it's a long story. I really don't feel comfortable going into it right now.
WENTWORTH: (snickers loudly)
TREBEK: OK then, tell us about the charity you'll be playing for.
FITZWILLIAM: I am playing for S.I.L.F
TREBEK: I'm not familiar with that particular charity, sir, would you care to elaborate. What does S.I.L.F. stand for?
FITZWILLIAM: (quietly mumbles something unintelligible)
TREBEK: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
FITZWILLIAM: I said "The Society to Increase Ladies Fortunes."
WENTWORTH: (Laughs openly)
TREBEK: Oh...uh...I uh...I see. Well let's move down and meet Captain James Benwick. It says here Captain that you're fond of reading.
BENWICK: (flatly) Yes…
TREBEK: And what do you read Captain?
BENWICK: Poetry...
TREBEK: Ah, we're living in a great age for poetry.
BENWICK: (interest suddenly peaked) You read it too, Alex? Tell me, do you prefer Marmion or the Lady of the Lake?
TREBEK: Like the dew on the mountain, like the foam on the…. Uh…uh…excuse me. Uh…where were we? Ah yes. What is the charity you'll be playing for?
BENWICK: (with slight agitation, growing increasingly hostile) The Cobb Destruction League. We are spearheading a campaign to remove the Cobb from Lyme's waterfront. We want to keep the coastline safe for all persons; so young ladies don't get it into their fool heads to go and jump off of it; trying to impress the tall, rugged, good-looking types; causing great anguish to people who already have too much anxiety in their lives from other young women who have…
TREBEK: (interrupting Benwick's tirade) And now, let's meet Captain Wentworth. We heard yesterday about the Captain's charitable work with war widows and orphans. But now Captain, tell us all about your exciting adventures on the high seas!
WENTWORTH: Why certainly Alex! I must say that I have had some great sport in the far corners of the world.
SEVERAL YOUNG LADIES IN AUDIENCE: Ooh, Ahhhh!
WENTWORTH: Why, I remember a few years ago I had a great cruise off the West Indies.
SEVERAL YOUNG LADIES IN AUDIENCE: Ooh, Ahhhh!
WENTWORTH: We took in enough privateers to make the voyage very entertaining, and to make me…(looks at Fitzwilliam) quite rich.
SEVERAL YOUNG LADIES IN AUDIENCE: Ooh, Ahhhh!
TREBEK: Excellent captain, you seem to have had a very interesting life. Tell me more!
FITZWILLIAM: (agitated) Come, come, can we get on with the game. I need…I mean my charity needs to make some money.
TREBEK: I believe Captain Benwick still has control of the board.
BENWICK: Thank you, Alex. I'll take POETS AND POETRY for $300.
TREBEK: What everyone should allow more of in their daily study?
(Beep)
TREBEK: Fitzwilliam...
FITZWILLIAM: What is searching for a rich wife?
TREBEK: Sorry, incorrect!
(Beep)
TREBEK: Benwick...
BENWICK: What is a prose?
TREBEK: Correct. Select again!
BENWICK: POETS AND POETRY for $400, Alex.
TREBEK: Answer: You'd say this, if a poem was written by Mr. Reagan Jr.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Benwick...
BENWICK: What is By Ron?
TREBEK: Correct
BENWICK: POETS AND POETRY for $500, Alex.
TREBEK: Answer: You'd say this, if another poem was written by Mr. Reagan Jr.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Benwick…
BENWICK: What is By Ron, too?
TREBEK: Correct. Again.
BENWICK: Same Category for a... for...
TREBEK: We have finished with that category, sir. Try another.
BENWICK: (sighs heavily) Let's try...POTENT POTABLES for $100, Alex.
TREBEK: Answer: Sailors drink this - Yo, Ho, Ho.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Fitzwilliam…
FITZWILLIAM: What is Rum, Alex?
TREBEK: Incorrect.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Wentworth…
WENTWORTH: What is a bottle of Rum?
TREBEK: Correct! You now have control of the board. Select!
WENTWORTH: I'll take...
FITZWILLIAM: Now wait a minute, I am not to be trifled with. My question was correct, correct I say!
TREBEK: I'll ask the judges for a ruling.
(A moment of silence as the judges confer - The judge's panel consists of Louisa Musgrove, Henrietta Musgrove, Mary Musgrove, and Elizabeth Elliot)
TREBEK: I see the judges have made their decision, and I'm sorry Colonel Fitzwilliam, they've decided unanimously to go with Captain Wentworth's answer.
FITZWILLIAM: (sighs loudly)
TREBEK: Captain Wentworth, please continue.
WENTWORTH: (looks triumphantly at Fitzwilliam) Thank you Alex, I'll have BY THE SEA for $100.
TREBEK: This is the term commonly used for the opening of a harbor.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Wentworth…
WENTWORTH: What is Ports Mouth, Alex?
TREBEK: Correct! You still have control of the board.
WENTWORTH: Let us stay with the same category for $200, Alex.
TREBEK: A single layer of wood, joined with your lips.
(Beep)
TREBEK: Wentworth…
WENTWORTH: What is Ply Mouth?
FITZWILLIAM: Oh, Pa-Leessse!
TREBEK: A word of caution Colonel; control yourself or you will be asked to leave. Wentworth, you still have control of the board.
WENTWORTH: I'll take NAVAL HEROES for $500, Alex.
(DAILY DOUBLE)
TREBEK: You have selected the Daily Double, what would you like to wager?
WENTWORTH: Let's make it a true Daily Double, Alex.
TREBEK: OK, Answer: This British naval hero is the most brave and handsome. He will go the extra mile and do anything for his friends.
WENTWORTH: Would that be me, Alex?
SEVERAL YOUNG LADIES IN AUDIENCE: Ooh, Ahhhh!
LADY IN AUDIENCE: This is scandalous!
TREBEK: Correct! Well done!!!!
FITZWILLIAM: (open hostility) Now I have heard it all! Do you mean to just let him walk away with a win? I have stood here and watched with continuing alarm, the easy questions they both have been allowed to answer. But this last question takes the cake. This is ridiculous and I will not…
LADY IN AUDIENCE: An outrage!
(Stage hands rush in to carry Colonel Fitzwilliam from the stage and the angry lady from the audience)
FITZWILLIAM: (still ranting and raving as he is carried off) I am by no means done…
TREBEK: Well, now is a good time to take a commercial break. We will return after these messages.
(Theme music starts)
STAGE DIRECTOR: And we're clear!
TREBEK: (to stage director) In all my years of hosting this show, I have never seen anything like this before. I guess we will have to replace Colonel Fitzwilliam. But with whom? Where are we going to find someone on short notice that meets all of these requirements? He must be a military man, learned, have tolerable hair, and most importantly, he must have a passionate regard for the S.I.L.F. charity. I have not the smallest hope.
LOUD MAN IN AUDIENCE: (to man sitting next to him, dressed in black) Why don't you take Colonel Fitzwilliam's place. I dare say you fit the description most agreeably.
MAN IN BLACK: (woeful) They would no more think of me than you.
LOUD MAN IN AUDIENCE: Nonsense! Think of all those poor young ladies that need someone to champion their cause! They would be lucky to get you! Lucky indeed!
MAN IN BLACK: (flatly, sorrowful) No, I don't think so, and all the better for them.
LOUD MAN IN AUDIENCE: I will not take no for an answer. You need an occupation or you will run mad. I will winkle a yes out of you. You know I'm horribly good at winkling. (gesturing towards the stage) You there, Mr. Trebek. My friend here will play in Colonel Fitzwilliam's place. He is the most qualified candidate for the position!
TREBEK: Welcome back! We have rectified our slight problem during the commercial break and this gentleman has kindly offered to step in and take Colonel Fitzwilliam's place. Now it is time for Double Jeopardy, an opportunity for our players to earn more money for their charities. They will be tackling these new categories: UNSYMPATHETIC FATHERS, EXPRESS MAIL, SHAKESPEAREAN SONNETS, LOW SPIRITS & DEPRESSION, FAMOUS UNWED MOTHERS, and last but not least, UNREQUITED LOVE. Colonel Brandon, since you are, or should I say since Colonel Fitzwilliam was in last place you get to start this round first.
BRANDON: (Confidently, with a very large grin on his face) Thank you, Alex, I'LL TAKE…UNREQUITED LOVE FOR $1000!
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