Written By Shaun Blankenship

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Arnold knocked on an orange door on a large house in the neighborhood. Finally, a tall and skinny man with long, black hair and an AC/DC shirt answered the door. "Yeah, what can I do for ya, little buddy?"

Arnold was a little bit choked up. "Um… is Ruth here?"

The man grabbed a beer can out of view from the door and grinned. "Yeah, she's asleep right now. Who are you?"

"I'm Arnold." He still was confused about the man answering the door. "Are you her brother or something?"

"Ah-ha!" The man in the doorway busted out into laughter. "Yeah, sure, man! Me, her brother!" He took another sip of the can and threw it off into the living room. "Nah, I can tell her you stopped by though."

A voice arose from a room inside the house. "Hey, Dan, who is it?"

Arnold's face perked up from the sound of Ruth's yelling. "Ruth?"

The man pushed against Arnold from entering by reflex. "Nah, she's just waking up. You don't want to go back there."

"Well, I just wanted to see if she wanted to do something tonight. It is Valentine's Day."

The guy at the door backed off a little bit. "Wait a minute… yeah, she's going to need an hour or two. Why don't you call here at about… what time is it right now?"

Arnold glanced at his watch. "Two thirty-nine."

"Yeah, call here at around three twenty or so. She'll be up by then."

Arnold stood confused but went along with the orders. "Okay, then. Will you tell her I stopped by?"

The man nodded to confirm 'yes'. "I'll do it as soon as she's fully awake."

Arnold walked backwards sown the stoop. "Okay. Well… I'll call later."

"Yeah, you do that. Bye." And with that, the man slammed the door in Arnold's face. He backed completely off the stoop and continued down the street.

***

A person in a trench coat, hovering over his mail slot blocked Arnold from the door of the boarding house. "Helga, what are you doing?"

The blonde-haired girl spun around quickly and grasped the door to stop her from slipping off of the stoop. "Arnold… I… thought you weren't home so I… I…"

"What did you just slip in my mail slot?"

The girl gripped her palms together and thought of something to cover-up for her actions. "I… Okay, now listen carefully. I was checking my mail and somehow, by reasons unknown, I ended up getting one of the boarding houses letters. So, being the Good Samaritan I am; I took it upon myself to deliver this letter to your house without opening it. I figured you probably weren't home, so I dropped it in your mail slot."

Arnold shifted his brow in question. "You mean to tell me that you dressed yourself in a trench coat to innocently give me my mail that mysteriously ended up at your house?"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling you." Helga jumped over the railing of the stoop and ran down the street and around the corner.

Arnold scratched his head and opened the door to his house. As he closed it, he noticed a small, pink envelope on his floor. He bent down and picked it up. Inscribed on the front, in cursive close to calligraphy, was 'Arnold' and the back of the envelope was sealed with only a small, gold foil sticker. He gently pealed the sticker off of the paper and slipped the card out of the envelope.

It was a valentine, hand made on white paper. The paper was lined and still carried the perforations of a notebook, but still transmitted an equal meaning of one that would've been bought in a store. The front was a picture of a giant heart that bared his name, 'Arnold', and was colored with shading that suggested an art student had to have worked on it. Phoebe must've put in a favor or something.

On the inside was a small poem: "Oh, dearest one, with whom I love, / be sent to me from skies above. / I wish for the day we join in hands / I wish that you would understand. - Helga G. Pataki."

Arnold stared at the paper a little while longer. "What is this girl's problem?" He held the paper in one hand and crinkled it violently. He then walked up the stairs and went up the path to his room, where he stood at a corner and three-pointed it to the wastebasket. "When is she gonna stop?"

***

"What did you expect, Helga?" Robert asked from his bed as Helga paced around his room. "'Oh, Helga, this changes everything. Come here, ya big lug.' Welcome to planet Earth, Helga. We've been waiting for you."

"Oh, shut up!" Helga had been watching from Arnold's window as he crinkled up the paper card from inside of his house. "Seriously, Rob! I'm just gonna give up all of this! It's pointless!"

Robert sighed and stood up next to her. "Helga, look: you're not going to get your way from pestering him into submission. You have to either accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same way that you do or pray for a miracle." Robert's phone started to ring. He gave a dark look to Helga. "Do not answer that phone."

Helga rushed to it. "That may be the community center about my community service."

Robert gripped her arm as she walked over to it. "It's probably Rhonda."

Helga stretched and grabbed the receiver of his phone off of the nightstand. "If it is, I'll just mess around with her." Robert released his grip and Helga pulled the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

The female voice on the other end responded back, "Hey, is Robert there?"

Helga nodded at Robert, which led to him sitting back on his bed and staying quiet. Helga spoke back into the phone, this time giving her voice a Swedish-sounding accent. "Well, who shall be calling at the time?"

The voice on the other end was confused. "Um, do I have the right number?"

"Do you want to 'verk' something out?"

"Huh?"

"I guess I shall pick you up at s'ven o'clock tonight."

Rhonda's voice now sounded concerning, as Helga quietly laughed with her mouth wide open and her hand over the phone's microphone. "Do I have the right number? I was calling to reach Robert…"

Before she could get out his last name, Helga talked in the phone again. This time, she was carrying some of her laughter with her as she spoke. "'Vut' are you wearing? Would you like to go to the 'vindmill?"

At this point, Helga had dropped the phone from laughing so hard. Even Robert started to giggle at Helga's phone games. Unfortunately, Rhonda realized what was going on too. "Helga! Can you just put me on the phone with Robert?"

The blonde-haired girl stopped her laughing and picked the phone back up again, only this time strict and serious. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Rhonda."

The voice on the other end now screamed loud enough to blow the speaker in the phone. "Just put him on the phone!"

Helga had backed the phone away from her ear and stuck it back when the screaming stopped. "You know, this is why I stopped sitting at your lunch table. You need some Prozac or something…"

"Helga, why are you playing this game with me?" Rhonda now sounded distressed. "Just let me talk to Robert!"

Helga mouthed over to Robert, Come on, Bobby. Talk to her. The boy sighed and stuck out his hand, waiting for the phone. Helga turned her attention back to the phone. "You haven't said it yet."

"Said what?"

"The magical words."

A deep and heavy breath was heard from the other side of the phone. "Helga… may I please talk to Robert?"

Helga smiled at the receiver. "Was that so hard, Rhonda?" She pulled the phone away from here and stretched the cord over to Robert. "Your stalker awaits."

Robert grabbed the phone. "You're one to talk." He placed the phone up to his ear and began to talk with Rhonda. "Yeah? What? Oh… oh, just stop. Rhon-… Rhonda, you're taking this… Rhonda, I… No! No, I don't want to! Rhonda! That's not f… That was just once! Oh, B-… Bye, Rhonda. Good-bye, Rhonda! GOOD… ah, screw it." Robert held the phone out to Helga. "Can you hang this back up?"

"Is she still talking?"

Robert nodded. "Yeah, she's all upset."

Helga put the phone back up to her ear and interrupted in a very calm attitude whatever Rhonda was talking about. "Shut up." She slammed the phone back down on the base and sat next to Robert on his bed. "You know, I'm starting to really feel sorry for that girl. Why do you hate her so much."

"UGH!" Robert lay back on the side of his bed with his shins still dangling off of the edge. "I don't hate her. I'm just getting annoyed by her pestering me all the time."

"So… why don't you just give her a chance? Who are you seeing right now?"

Robert kept silent and sat up. "Well, nobody at the moment. Julia broke up with me a long time ago."

Helga turned her head and cracked her neck. "Why don't you just give her one date and see where it goes from there? Maybe you'll change your mind." Robert lay on his back again but this time Helga joined right beside him. "You liked her back then, why don't you even give her a chance right now?"

Robert turned his head toward Helga. "What? Do you want me to just call her back?"

The phone started ringing again. Helga looked back and then at Robert. "Maybe you don't have to." She sat up and answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Helga, can I talk to Robert?"

She held the phone out to Robert. "Have at her."

Robert took it and than took a deep breathe. "Rhonda… what are you doing tonight?"

Helga watched as Robert listened to Rhonda on the phone, pulling it away from his ear from time to time. "What's going on?"

Robert put his finger up to his mouth. "Shh! Oh… Okay, Rhonda. Okay, Rhonda. OKAY, RHONDA! Rhonda! Do you want to go or not? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Really? Okay, around eight. Alright, Rhonda. Alright, Rhonda. Just…J-I'll meet you at eight. Good-bye." He leaned over on the bed and hung the phone up.

Helga smiled at Robert. "Was that too much to ask?"

"Helga, I have a feeling I'm going to regret this later on." Robert stood up. "If this ends up being the worse time of my life, you owe me."

"And if ends up being the best time of your life, you owe me a huge apology." Helga thought about it. "And dinner. You'll owe me dinner."

Robert crossed his arms. "You eat dinner here anyway."

"I know, but you'll owe me dinner at some other place. A restaurant, if you will."

He rolled his eyes back and walked out of the room. "We'll see, Helga."

***

Arnold answered the ringing phone. "Hello?"

"Arnold?"

He shook from his place, sprawled across his bed, and sat up. "Ruth? Hey, Happy Valentine's Day."

The voice on the other end hesitated. "Yeah, you too, Arnold. Look, you came over here earlier and…"

Arnold cut her off unintentionally, "I was seeing if you wanted to do something tonight. You know, go out or something?"

Once again, the voice paused. "Arnold, I'm not gonna be able to do anything tonight."

The football-headed boy glared at his phone. "Well… why not?"

There was more hesitation from the phone. Arnold swore he could hear some kind of whispering on the line. The voice came back, "It's just… I have some stuff to do…"

"What? Family things?"

"Yeah…" More whispering on the other end again. "I have to go have dinner with my family. It's been almost a ritual every year."

"Oh…" Arnold slumped in his spot. "Okay, then. Do you want to do something tomorrow? Maybe Sunday?"

"Hold on." The voice on the phone went back and whispered yet again. What is she doing? The voice came back. "Sunday afternoon would be good. Is that good with you?"

"Yeah, that's great with me." Arnold was almost bursting with joy, yet too confused with why Ruth was being so odd to him to even smile. "What time?"

This time she answered with no hesitation. "Twelve-thirty would be excellent for me."

"Twelve-thirty is great." Arnold relaxed onto his bed. The whole conversation had been making him really tense. "Is something wrong? You sound… odd."

"No, no, I'm fine," Ruth yawned. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay, bye." The other end hung-up before Arnold had a chance to. He took the digital phone and hit the Talk button to shut it off. He set in next to him and sat reflecting on his bed. "Huh."

***

"Man, that's terrible." Gerald bent down to the bottom of the pop machine and grabbed a plastic Yahoo soda bottle. "Yet it sounds very suspicious. What are you doing tonight now?"

"I guess I'll just end up spending the night at home alone." Arnold and Gerald walked throughout the mall. "Well, what about the bath and body store?"

"Nah," Gerald disagreed. "Getting a girl bath lotion just shows that you don't have any other ideas for a present. If I show up at Phoebe's house with a bag of bath lotion and shampoo, she's gonna think I don't care about her. Or she might think I want her to take a bath or something, which is also the wrong message."

"I see where you're going with this." Arnold scanned the names of the shops they passed. "There's the book store."

"Yeah, but I don't know what she likes to read. I know she does read, but of what I have no clue."

"Hey, look at that, Gerald!" Arnold pointed. "The Heart-Mark store! All they have is cards and stuff girls love. Anything in there will be suitable for a Valentine's Day present."

"Yeah, I guess." They started to walk into the store. "At least this has some meaning in it. No originality, but meaning in it."

"Come on, we'll get her a bear with some chocolates and she'll love you forever." Arnold went through the doors and straight to a display by the greeting cards. "Look at these bears right here. You pull 'em apart and they reconnect at the lips. Girls love this stuff."

"Arnold," Gerald explained. "Who do you think you're giving advice to? I am the only one in this vicinity authorized to give dating advice. I got diplomas and documents to prove it. You've had maybe three girlfriends in your life and you mean to tell me you know about getting the women to swoon. They should lock me up for stealin' hearts, that's what I do."

"Okay, Gerald." Arnold put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I believe you."

"You better believe it!" Gerald shook his hand off. "Give me five minutes and a tin of mints and I bet you I'll get a girl's number."

"Well, if you don't think any of this stuff'll work, we can try another store."

Gerald circled around. "Nah, this place is perfect. You got lucky this time."

Arnold smirked. "So where are you taking her out tonight?"

Gerald walked down the card isle with Arnold, continuously talking. "You see, first I'm gonna take her to dinner. Not your restaurant, but the other one. Then, I'm gonna take her on a moonlight walk through the park. After that, I'll take her to my house and we gon' cuddle the night through. In the morning, I take her to breakfast and she goes home." Gerald pulled a card off of the shelf. "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. / If you hate this card, I'll buy you some shoes. Buy you some shoes? Who writes this junk?"

"Who knows?"