"Michael Trenton"

By Shaun Blankenship

SCENE: In class, the whole class is as attentive as usual. Most of the students look as if they’re about to fall asleep if they didn’t absolutely have to pay attention. Mr. Simmons is by the door to the class. We join them already in progress.

SIMMONS: Class, I’d like to introduce a new student to the class. Now be nice to him, he’s very shy and has been tutored for the last four years.

STINKY: Tutored? You mean home-schooled?

SIMMONS: Yes, Stinky, home-schooled. His parents hired a tutor to teach him for the last four years. Anyway, I’d like all of you to give a nice warm welcome to… [Door opens and a boy in an orange shirt with a white shirt under it sort of half hanging under his shirt and blue jeans walks into the class.] Michael Trenton! [The whole class applauds.]

HAROLD: [Talking to Rhonda.] Hey, why are we clapping?

RHONDA: I don’t know, we just are. [Applauding stops.]

SIMMONS: Now, everyone in this class is special, Michael. What’s super special about you?

MICHAEL: [Sort of mumbling.] Uh… um… I don’t know.

SIMMONS: Come on. Everybody’s got something special about him or her!

MICHAEL: Well… I have a double-jointed thumb. [Moves his thumb around.]

SIMMONS: Well that’s pretty special. Go take a seat in the back there, Michael. We were just talking about The Civil War.

MICHAEL: [Sits down and asks Curly…] Hey, does he always talk like that.

CURLY: Get used to it. After a while you don’t even hear it anymore.

SCENE: At lunch, Michael is in the lunch line and gets a tray of food. He leaves the line and looks around the lunchroom in search of a table. He comes by Arnold’s table.

MICHAEL: Um, can I sit here?

ARNOLD: Yeah, sure.

MICHAEL: Thanks, man. [Sits down.]

GERALD: So what do you think of public school so far?

MICHAEL: It’s not so bad. You’re Arnold, huh? I’ve heard about you. Did you really hook Big Caesar?

ARNOLD: Oh, yeah. We let him go though. We couldn’t have kept him.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I know.

ARNOLD: Hey, if you live in the neighborhood, how come nobody’s ever seen you before? I know you were home-schooled but I’ve never seen you anywhere around. I would’ve thought you maybe would’ve been outside every once in a while.

MICHAEL: Nah, my mom’s really protective. I’m usually not allowed outside. Sometimes during the summer or spring we’d go to Florida and visit my grandparents and when I’m out there, I spend the whole vacation outside.

GERALD: Your parents’ sound rich. My family couldn’t afford to fly to Florida every summer and spring. Why are you going to public school now?

MICHAEL: Oh, I begged my mom. I couldn’t stand being stuck at home. I told her that eventually I’d go nuts and enroll myself here.

ARNOLD: Well, it’s good to have you here. How do you like it so far?

MICHAEL: It’s alright. It’s not terrible but I wish I were home. I’m not used to having this many people around me at once. [He looks around the lunch room and then spots Helga. His jaw drops. He sees Helga in a hazy romantic light, sparkle and stuff flying everywhere. His face is locked on her.]

ARNOLD: Well, you’ll learn to live with it. During recess we could introduce you to some people. [Still locked, not responding.] Michael? Michael? Hey, you alright?

MICHAEL: [Snaps out of it.] What? Yeah, sure. I’d love it.

ARNOLD: You okay there, Michael?

MICHAEL: Yeah. And it’s Mike. I hate being called Michael.

ARNOLD: Alright. Let me tell you some of their names right now. [Arnold is pointing at these people while he says their names.] That over there is Stinky. That’s Sid, Harold, Eugene, Rhonda, Sheena, Nadine, Curly, Patty, Phoebe, Helga, Igg…

MICHAEL: What was that last one?

ARNOLD: What one? Helga?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ARNOLD: That’s her over there in the pink dress.

HELGA: [Across from where Arnold’s pointing.] What are you looking at, football-head?

ARNOLD: Helga’s a little bit… moody. It’s usually good to just stay away from her. She’s got some problems.

MICHAEL: Huh. [Staring lovingly at Helga. She’s yelling at Phoebe, not directly but in a conversation about something else, but she can’t be heard over some romantic orchestra music.] Helga…

ARNOLD: Are you sure you’re okay, Mike?

MICHAEL: Absolutely. [Still staring.]

SCENE: At recess, most of the kids are crowded around the table outside with Michael. Just plain talking.

STINKY: So you’ve never been to school before?

MICHAEL: No, my parents hired someone to teach me at my home. They would’ve done it themselves had they been home. I hardly ever see my parents anymore. They let me come here so I wouldn’t be as lonely as I am during the day.

SID: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’ve been staying at home all this time and actually wanted to come to school?

STINKY: Yeah, you sound like a dern fool. If I had the chance to stay home and not go to school, I’d choose the other one.

SID: [Just staring at Stinky.] Don’t say anything.

MICHAEL: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Trust me. [Catches site of Helga sulking at another part of the playground with Phoebe. Starts getting all love stricken. Simultaneously, Eugene is playing tetherball and gets smacked in the face with the ball. He flies across the playground and into a Dumpster.]

EUGENE: I’m okay… [Everyone who was hanging around Michael rushes over to the Dumpster. Michael gets up and walks over to Helga. He’s acting all shy and bashful.]

MICHAEL: Hi.

HELGA: What do you want?!

MICHAEL: I was just saying hi.

HELGA: Well, you said it, now scram! Get out of here.

MICHAEL: Okay, then… Bye.

HELGA: Bye! Get away from me!

MICHAEL: [Walks away and goes back to the table and stares at her.]

HELGA: Sheesh! What was that about?

ARNOLD: [Sits by Michael.] Hey, what’s goin’ on. You’re supposed to play recess. You’re just sitting here.

MICHAEL: Do you know who Rachel Field is?

ARNOLD: Who?

MICHAEL: Rachel Field.

ARNOLD: I can’t say that I’ve ever heard of her.

MICHAEL: ‘Isn’t it strange some people make / you feel so tired inside, / your thoughts begin to shrivel up / like leaves all brown and dried! / But when you’re with some other ones, / it’s stranger still to find / your thoughts as thick as fireflies / all shiny in your mind.’ She wrote that.

ARNOLD: Huh. That isn’t bad.

MICHAEL: Yeah. That last part. That’s how I feel right now.

ARNOLD: What are you talking about?

MICHAEL: I’m in love, Arnold.

ARNOLD: Love? With who, Mike?

MICHAEL: [Sighs.] Helga.

ARNOLD: Helga? Helga Pataki? Are you crazy?

MICHAEL: I might be…

ARNOLD: You’re insane! Helga’s is, like, the meanest person ever! Are you sure?

MICHAEL: I can’t help it, Arnold. Look at her! [Helga cocks her head back and spits on top of the school.] How can you not like that? You gotta help me, Arnold! You gotta help me!

ARNOLD: I don’t think I can help you. You’re asking for the impossible. Helga doesn’t like anybody! Notice the word ‘any.’

MICHAEL: C’mon, she hates me. I need you to help me get on her good side.

ARNOLD: Don’t you get it! I can’t!

MICHAEL: Please!

ARNOLD: [Looks at Michael and gives a sigh of defeat.] Alright, I’ll try to help you but I can’t promise anything.

SCENE: After school, Arnold and Michael are talking as Arnold’s walking home.

ARNOLD: Alright, the first thing you need to do is tell Helga about how you feel.

MICHAEL: Are you insane?

ARNOLD: That’s the easiest way. You could hint around but it could just make things worse.

MICHAEL: Yeah, that’s it. Hint around. How do I do that?

ARNOLD: I don’t know. Be courteous to her or something. Open doors, pull her chair, get her a gift; you’ll think of somethin’. Take her out to a movie or something. Do whatever works.

MICHAEL: You’re not giving me much to work with… but I do see some good ideas. Opening doors and gifts and stuff. You don’t think that’s too obvious, do you?

ARNOLD: Michael, the best way to face this is to face it up front with her.

MICHAEL: Has this ever happened to you?

ARNOLD: A few times, why?

MICHAEL: What did you do?

ARNOLD: [Thinking.] I didn’t really do anything. I told Lila I like her but she doesn’t like like me. But it should work.

MICHAEL: You really think telling her that I like her will work.

ARNOLD: Yeah, sure. I don’t think anyone’s ever told Helga that they like her besides Stinky and me.

MICHAEL: What?

ARNOLD: It’s not what you think. Look, all she needs is some attention and affection. I’m sure it’ll win her over.

MICHAEL: Okay. You’re a really good friend, Arnold.

ARNOLD: So I’ve been told. [They reach the boarding house and Arnold walks in.]

SCENE: At Michael’s house. Michael is setting some stuff up in his room, but you can’t see exactly what he’s doing. Like a front shot of him moving some things around. He is muttering things like "over there… yeah… wait… yes!" Stuff like that. He finally gets it right. It shows what he’s been working on and he has a shrine in the shape of Helga’s head in her closet. It has broom-ends for the hair and a basketball or something for the head.

MICHAEL: Perfect. It’s perfect. Finally. [Stepping back and sighing. That’s one messed up puppy.]

SCENE: Next day at school, everyone is coming to their desks. Helga sits at her desk and opens it up to grab a pen. Notices that someone put a gift box in her desk.

HELGA: Hello, what’s this? [Reads the tag.] ‘To Helga, From Your Admirer.’ Criminey, could this be from… no, it couldn’t. [She opens it. Inside is a ticket to Wrestle Mania and a teddy bear. She gasps.] Wrestle Mania tickets!!! Oh, look, a bear. But Wrestle Mania tickets! This is the greatest gift ever! But who sent it? [Gasps.] Arnold? Maybe Arnold has finally seen through my icy exterior and into my warm heart. Arnold knows my secret and accepts my feelings with reciprocal emotions! But by the look of the tag on the present, he doesn’t want to be known as having affection for me! Oh, Arnold. My football-headed fantasy! [Lila is staring at her.]

LILA: Hey, Helga. What are you doing?

HELGA: Nothing. Why?

LILA: It sounded like you said something.

HELGA: I didn’t say anything.

LILA: But I thought I…

HELGA: No sounds.

LILA: But…

HELGA: None.

LILA: Okay, then.

SCENE: Lunchroom. Helga is about to walk in and Michael holds the door open.

HELGA: Oh, thanks.

MICHAEL: [Fumbling.] Di… hyuh-um-ahhhh…

HELGA: Yeah, sure.

MICHAEL: [Walks over to Arnold’s table.] I don’t think this working, Arnold. She doesn’t even know I exist.

ARNOLD: Wow, you’re head over heels over Helga, aren’t you?

MICHAEL: Yeah. I bought her a stuffed bear and that ticket you suggested. I can’t believe she likes wrestling. I love wrestling!

ARNOLD: You sound like you’re in really deep. There’s only one person who can help you with this, and he’s walking over here right now. [Gerald sits down.]

GERALD: What’s up, buddy?

ARNOLD: Gerald, we need your help. [Whispers in his ear.] Can you help him?

GERALD: That’s a pretty big order. H.P.? Man, that’s messed up. What you gotta do is be cool. Feel the groove. Talk slick to her. Make her feel like you’re calling the shots. Chicks love guys with control.

MICHAEL: That doesn’t sound like a good idea. She looks like a very controlling person.

GERALD: Good point, Mike. Well, have you gotten her flowers or sent her cards?

MICHAEL: No, should I?

GERALD: Yes, you should? Don’t you watch TV? That’s what always wins the women over. That and money.

MICHAEL: Wow, you’re right! Thanks! You guys are the coolest people I know!

GERALD: Anytime, buddy. Get her a single rose, she’ll love it. [Michael leaves.]

ARNOLD: You think all that girl stuff will work on Helga?

GERALD: It’s not the steel siding on the outside of the house, but the warm shelter on the inside.

ARNOLD: Huh?

GERALD: Trust me, she’ll love it. She’s a girl!

SCENE: Helga’s opening her locker, and finds a rose with a card. She opens and reads.

HELGA: [Reading.] ‘For dearest sweet love, not a moment passes / that I can’t shake any of my dazed glances. / Your looks astound me, I cannot breathe / for when I feel you’re approaching me / and if I should answer and you reply yes, / I might have to wake up for a dream is my guess. / My love shall forever linger in my heart, that much is true / for not a day passes that I’m not thinking of you. / Love, your secret admirer.’ Only two people could’ve written a poem like this and one’s dead. It has to be Arnold! It just has to be! My hard work has finally paid off! Soon, my out-of-reach love affection and me will be hand in hand with bliss forever! [Sighs lovingly. Hears breathing, punches brainy. Sighs again.] But how can I force the little twerp to confess it?

ARNOLD: [Walks by.] Hey, Helga.

HELGA: [Turns around really quick.] Arnold! [Bumps her head on her locker door as she turns around and falls on the floor. Arnold has not noticed any of this because he has walked by already.]

SCENE: After school, Arnold and Michael are sitting on the stoop as everyone leaves.

MICHAEL: She loved it! She loved it, man!

ARNOLD: I saw it too, Mike. She was taking that rose everywhere. She kept reading that card over and over again. Where’d you get that card anyway?

MICHAEL: I made it. I need you to help me for the final stage of my plan.

ARNOLD: Wait, what’s the "last stage"?

MICHAEL: Arnold, I need to ask you a favor. This might be the biggest thing I might ask you to do in my whole life. This is the coup de…

ARNOLD: What do you need me to do.

MICHAEL: Arnold… (Pauses) I need you to ask Helga to meet me somewhere.

ARNOLD: Where?

MICHAEL: The park at four o’clock tomorrow afternoon. By the ice cream stand.

ARNOLD: Are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean the same thing happened to Stinky a while back…

MICHAEL: Arnold, I love her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve been under her power since the first time mine loving eyes hath lain upon the profile of a fallen angel sent to rescue me. The form of beauty that no artist can capture and no heart can take.

ARNOLD: Wow, you really like Helga.

MICHAEL: I have a shrine of her in my closet.

ARNOLD: [Collecting his thoughts for the moment.] Mike, you have some problems. I think you’re going to need more than Helga to solve all of them.

MICHAEL: Are you going to help me or what? I didn’t ask for your help so you could make fun of me.

ARNOLD: I’m sorry. I’ll help you, Mike. I’m your friend, and that’s what friends do.

MICHAEL: Thanks, Arnold. You’re truly the best.

ARNOLD: So I’m told. I’ll tell her.

SCENE: Helga’s in the park throwing rocks in the river over to the side of the bridge to where she’s not really over the river.

HELGA: Oh, Arnold. Light of my love, spirit of my soul, life force of my… my… ah, who cares. I can’t wait until me and my love are together in never-ending happiness. Oh, Arnold, my dearest. I count the minutes until we meet again.

ARNOLD: [Walks right up behind her.] Helga.

HELGA: [Jumps, screams and falls over the railing. She falls on her back on the hill and rolls into the river. She lifts her head up and a frog jumps off her head.] What a surprise! Arnold! What are you doing here?

ARNOLD: I need to talk to you. It’s sort of important.

HELGA: [Extremely nervous. I mean like "warhead at your forehead" nervous.] Okay. What do you need to tell me?

ARNOLD: I have this friend…

HELGA: This isn’t the same friend we’ve talked about before, is it?

ARNOLD: No, someone completely different.

HELGA: [More confident now.] Well, then, what do you need to tell me?

ARNOLD: It’s not what I need to tell you. It’s what my friend needs to tell you.

HELGA: Alright, what does your friend need to tell me?

ARNOLD: Well, he wants to tell you tomorrow. He wants you to meet him here at the park at four o’clock. By the ice cream stand. [He points over to a man with a portable ice cream freezer. It’s the Jollie Ollie Man.]

J.O.M.: Come get your rotten ice cream, you little rodents. Come get your cavity promoting, sugar infested, brain numbing, slimy, festering slop you call ice cream, you diseased insect larvae!

HELGA: Okay, I’ll meet your "friend". But this is the last time I do this for you, bucko! If any more of your geeky friends come here to talk to me with deep inner secrets, I’ll knock your stinkin’ block off.

ARNOLD: Hey, calm down. You know, life is a lot better when you’re not wasting it being angry and ticked off all the time. [Arnold leaves.]

HELGA: Oh, Arnold, why must I be so harsh? Why must I always throw my emotions in the closet when you come so close to confession? Why must I forever be haunted by this obsession I have for your oddly shaped head? Oh, Arnold, why?

SCENE: The next day at school… sorry, we need a montage. It shows the next day at school. Helga is swooning over the Arnold likeness inside of her textbook. Simultaneously Michael has a sketchbook filled with hearts and little stick figure pictures of Helga:

HELGA: [Looking at her watch sitting on a park bench.] Where is that guy? It’s four o’ five! He’s five minutes late! It isn’t like Arnold to be late for anything! My football-headed dreamboat. Romeo to my Juliet. Elizabeth Taylor to my…

MICHAEL: [Steps away from a bush by the bench.] Helga…

HELGA: [Looking at Michael.] Who the heck are you?

MICHAEL: So you want Arnold, is that it? I’ve been the one giving you gifts! I’ve been the one writing you poems! I’VE been the one breaking my back trying to get you to notice me and when I finally get a chance, you sit here and swoon over Arnold!

HELGA: [Looking at Michael.] Who the heck are you?

MICHAEL: I’m your secret admirer! I’m Mike! The new kid at school!

HELGA: Who do you think you are? Do you expect me to just admire you with open arms after you haven’t even told me your name? You can’t just expect me to know who you are!

MICHAEL: Helga, I love you. I’ll always love you and I will forever love you. I…

HELGA: Mike, it’s not going to work. I like somebody else! [Michael freezes and get teary.] Mike! Mike! [Michael sits down and Helga moves down toward him.] Look, I’m sorry. You’re not a bad guy, Mike. I like you but I don’t like like you. I like like someone else. No offense to you though. I appreciate all you’ve done for me Mike, but we can never be. I’m sorry, Mike. I’m so sorry.

MICHAEL: [Clearing up.] Well, I guess it was my fault for getting my hopes up. I thought maybe you’d just accept it and like me the way I like you. It’s all my fault.

HELGA: Don’t feel so bad, Mike. Hey, we got the rest of the day. Let’s do something together. The movie theatre’s playing "Yo Ernest – The Movie". Wanna go see it?

MICHAEL: [Stops crying and smiles. Looks up at Helga.] Yeah, that’d be great.

SCENE: Michael and Helga are leaving the theatre.

MICHAEL: Thanks, Helga.

HELGA: Hey, don’t sweat it. So, we’re just friends now.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess. So, you really like that kid, don’t you?

HELGA: Another thing, don’t be talking about that anymore. You mention that to anyone, I might have to hurt you. Don’t make me hurt you.

MICHAEL: Alright. Well, I did actually plan if this happens, if I was rejected. Here. [Hands Helga a sealed envelope] Don’t open the letter until tomorrow during school. Then open it but don’t let anyone else read it. It’s important. I’ll see you around. [He walks away.]

HELGA: Wait! [Michael lifts up a hand.]

MICHAEL: Read the letter tomorrow.

HELGA: But…

MICHAEL: Tomorrow! [Walks inside of a building. Helga walks away and goes home. Her mom and dad are asleep in the living room by the TV. She goes up stairs and opens the letter.]

HELGA: [Reading.] ‘Dear Helga, since we can’t be together I have decided to go back to being tutored. Going to public school has lost all purpose. I wish I could stay, but time spent near you but not with you is time thrown away. Time spent away from you without you will help me forgive and forget. Even though you don'’ like me, I still like you. I always will. I’ll never forget you, Helga. Eighty years from now when I can’t remember my own name, I’ll still remember you. Will you please also remember me? Michael.’

FINISH: Helga sits on her bed, sighs, puts the letter on her nightstand and lays down on her bed with her arms crossed on her chest. She looks over at the letter; and then closes her eyes and smiles.

All rights reserved. ©Shaun Blankenship. Used with permission.