"The Letter"

Written By Shaun Blankenship

SCENE: Opens up to Mr. Simmons’ class in the middle of a lesson. Everyone’s paying attention, which proves that this story is a complete work of fiction.

SIMMONS: All right, class, now who can tell me the capital of Brazil? [No one answers.] Come on, this isn’t that hard. You should know this. [Still no one answers.] How about you, Phoebe? Do you know?

PHOEBE: I’m not exactly sure, but I think it is Brasilia.

SIMMONS: That is correct! Children, you might want to take notes, this will be on the test tomorrow. [Whole class groans.]

HAROLD: Tomorrow? Aw, but I’m not ready! Aw, I’m gonna fail, I just know it!

HELGA: Pipe down, pink boy, it’s just a test! It’s not as if you ever pass them, why no get used to the swing of things?

HAROLD: Hey, shut up!

SIMMONS: Hey, class, I’m still teaching…

ARNOLD: Helga, why do you always have to me so mean?

SIMMONS: Class…

HELGA: What do you care, Arnoldo? I wasn’t talking to you, was I?

ARNOLD: But you still didn’t have to be so mean and nasty.

SIMMONS: Hey, class…

HELGA: Look, Arnold quit worrying about me and mind your own business. None of it concerns you!

ARNOLD: Still, Helga, I bet you hurt Harold’s feelings and I think you should apologize.

HELGA: Apologize? The boy’s a walking time bomb of dumb questions and idiotic blurting! Do you expect me to just let that slip by me with a smile?

ARNOLD: No, I just think you shouldn’t let it get to you. You’re too irritable.

HELGA: I am not irritable!

ARNOLD: Yes you are.

HELGA: NO I’M NOT!

SIMMONS: Class, please! I have much more to teach! [Class is silent.] Okay. Now, the main export of Brazil is… [Bell rings, class leaves for lunch.] I should’ve become a car salesman.

SCENE: At lunch over at Arnold’s table, Arnold and Gerald are sitting and laughing. Pans over to Helga’s table. Helga has been sitting, Phoebe just sits down.

HELGA: Oh, Phoebe, can you fetch me a Yahoo?

PHOEBE: Fetching. [Leaves table.]

HELGA: [Listening to what Arnold is saying at his table from hers.]

ARNOLD: I don’t know Gerald. Sometimes Helga just seems so awful.

GERALD: Yeah, so? It’s Helga Pataki! What’d you expect?

ARNOLD: Gerald, whether you agree with me or not, I believe that somewhere inside there is a decent person inside Helga. I mean, no one can be that mean all the time. She’s always scowling and sulking and putting people down, but I bet it’s because she doesn’t want anyone to see the real her. Maybe she’s afraid.

GERALD: Yeah, and maybe it’ll rain fuzzy bunny slippers out of the sky tonight.

ARNOLD: Hey, I’m serious. I mean we don’t know any thing about her. None of us have ever spent enough time with her; it’s not as if we know everything about her.

GERALD: Are you kidding? You’ve paired up with Helga a million times now and ending up spending a whole day with her each time! Think about it; the egg project, when she had amnesia, Biosquare, the camping trip where we got lost, the summer vacation…

ARNOLD: Yes, I know. But I bet there’s a nice person inside of her.

GERALD: Sure. Well, as for me, I’ll believe it the day I see it.

ARNOLD: Yeah, I suppose.

PHOEBE: [Sits down.] Your soda.

HELGA: Jeez, Phoebe, what took you so long?

PHOEBE: There was a line for the machine.

HELGA: Well, next time try to be quicker with it! Take cuts, eliminate competition!

PHOEBE: I’m sorry, Helga. I guess I didn’t try hard enough.

HELGA: [Pausing.] Hey, Phoebes ("Feebs"), am I always grumpy and moody?

PHOEBE: Honestly?

HELGA: It’s that bad, huh?

PHOEBE: I’m afraid it is.

HELGA: [Sort of looking down.] I’m sorry, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: It’s okay, Helga. I don’t mind.

HELGA: I was really mean back there. I just wish there were some way I could apologize.

PHOEBE: You can still apologize. It’s not too late.

HELGA: [Sarcastically.] Yeah, sure I’ll apologize. And after that I’ll just fly to the moon on the wings of my hopes and dreams. Pssh! Get a grip, Phoebe. [Pausing as Arnold walks by.] Hey, Phoebe, got any paper?

PHOEBE: What for?

HELGA: Oh, nothing, I just got a little something I need to write.

SCENE: Recess, Helga is on a bench scribbling on the paper.

HELGA: [Writing.] ‘Dearest Arnold, Not a moment passes that I don’t think of your delightful football-head. Every minute in your presence is an eternity of infinite pleasure. Although it may not seem like it and almost contrary, I have loved you with an ever-burning undying passion since the first time I laid eyes on you. All my life I have devoted my time in praising the ground you walk on, worshipping the air you breathe, and idolizing the gum you chew. As I stare at you lovingly, I know we can never be. Since I don’t have the courage to tell you, I may only hope that you will realize some day that under my icy exterior is a goodhearted person. I love you, Arnold. I always have. I always will until the earth stops moving and time stands still. Yet I fear that you will never love me in return. Please, maybe you can find it in your heart to in return love me. Forever yours…’ [Pauses.] Nah. [Erases.] ‘Eternally yours…’ [Pauses.] Nope. [Erases.] ‘Love…’ [Talking.] Perfect! Ah, who am I kidding, this is a stupid idea. Arnold will never like me. [Crumples up the paper and tosses it in a Dumpster that is full to the top. The paper just sits on the top of the garbage. The bell rings.] Well, back to class, back to denial… [While everyone leaves, the crumpled piece of paper falls off the top of the Dumpster and to the ground. The wind blows it through the school doors before they close. The paper is kicked around through the hall and lands by Rhonda’s feet. Rhonda looks at it disgusted.]

RHONDA: Hasn’t anyone heard of a trashcan? Filthy pigs at this school… [Picks it up and notices the word ‘Love’ flapping out from the paper ball.] Hello, what’s this? [Uncrumples it, looks over it.] Oh… my… gosh!

SCENE: The end of the school day, Helga is walking out of the school. Rhonda, Arnold, Gerald, Nadine, Sheena, Curly, Eugene, Sid and Stinky are huddled up. Their conversation is heard.

RHONDA: [Reading.] ‘…I have loved you with an ever-burning undying passion since the first time I laid eyes on you.’ Whoever wrote this is psychotic. Look at this letter! ‘I have devoted my time in praising the ground you walk on, worshipping the air you breathe, and idolizing the gum you chew.’ ‘Gum you chew’? What is wrong with this person? [Helga freezes in her place shocked.]

GERALD: Man, Arnold! Do you think this is the same person who wrote all those poems about you?

ARNOLD: We never did find out who that was, did we? By the way, what ever happened to Ruth?

GERALD: You ask this question anytime this sort of stuff happens.

ARNOLD: Who’s it from?

RHONDA: There’s no name. It’s as if it was never finished. Only thing I can say is I didn’t write it.

ARNOLD: But who did?

SID: Maybe it was Lila?

ARNOLD: No, she only likes me. She doesn’t like like me.

SID: But what if she does?

HELGA: [Runs to the corner of the building and pulls out her locket.] Oh, why? WHY? Why does this stuff happen every week? Once a month would be acceptable but criminey! All I’ve done is excite his curiosity of knowing the name of whose penmanship has written the words that nail my coffin shut! And his false accusations will only strengthen the desire for anyone but me! Oh, Arnold! When will I learn? When will I stop playing this game back and forth? When will I face facts that I cannot keep this up forever? When? WHEN? [Hears breathing behind her. Of course it’s Brainy. She punches him.] And you better not tell anybody or I’ll be feeding you fists day and night ‘til your own mother can’t recognize you! [Walks away.]

ARNOLD: Hi, Helga.

HELGA: [Shocked and shaking.] Arnold! H-Hey!

ARNOLD: Hey, Helga, do you know anything about this letter written to me? Rhonda found it in the hall and no one knows who wrote it. Do you know?

HELGA: K-K-Know w-w-who w-w-wrote it? Don’t be stupid! I don’t know anything about some stupid love letter to you! Well, I’ve gotta go, I have… uh… to feed my monitor lizard before he eats my neighbor’s cat! Yeah, that’s it! Bye. [Runs away.]

ARNOLD: What’s wrong with her?

GERALD: That lizard is dangerous, man. He will eat anything and everything.

ARNOLD: Did it seem like she was acting weird?

GERALD: No, why?

ARNOLD: Nothing. [Walking away with Gerald.] You don’t think she wrote it, do you?

GERALD: Helga Pataki? Nah, she hates you. Why would Helga write it?

ARNOLD: Good point. Want to help me find out who did?

GERALD: You mean we weren’t going to that anyway?

SCENE: In Arnold’s room, we join Arnold & Gerald in their search for finding the author of the letter.

ARNOLD: Alright. We know that the author is a girl. It’s someone most likely that I know. The girl goes to our school. Our last clue is that she writes in purple ink. Who else writes in purple ink?

GERALD: It’s a girl, Arnold. A lot of them have purple pens as for many other colors.

ARNOLD: True, but not all of them. What we need to do is study our suspects.

GERALD: Which are…

ARNOLD: Every girl at school. [Dramatic suspense music plays.]

GERALD: Can’t we start off smaller like, say, our class? The person who wrote this is probably in our class; it’s probably why she’s all crazy about you.

ARNOLD: Yes, but the letter was found in the hall. And maybe the reason why she never speaks to me is because she never is around me. The letter also says, ‘Every minute in your presence is an eternity of infinite pleasure.’ Maybe it’s because she doesn’t see me often. She could be older and in a different grade.

GERALD: Yeah, but then again the girl says she worships the gum you chew.

ARNOLD: ‘Idolizes.’ She ‘idolizes’ the gum I chew.

GERALD: Whatever, it made more sense the way I said it. How do you idolize gum?

ARNOLD: Well, maybe she ran out of words to use.

GERALD: Whatever, Arnold. I don’t think is someone in a different grade. It has to be someone in our grade. Let’s at least check out our class before we go and stalk anyone else.

ARNOLD: Alright, we begin tomorrow.

SCENE: We’re gonna need a montage… MONTAGE! Alright, Arnold and Gerald are in class. Both looking around at the girls in their class as they take notes. Helga is looking at them as they aren’t looking at her and catches on. She quickly puts her purple pen on the ground behind her and picks up a pencil. They both then turn their eyes at her as she writes with the pencil and not the pen. Cut to a point where Mr. Simmons points at the chalkboard that says "Last Night’s Homework". Arnold is collecting the papers from each row. Helga raises her hand and acts like she has to go to the bathroom. She then goes down to the office down to the copy machine and makes a black and white copy of her purple-inked homework. She rushes back to class and gives Arnold the photocopied homework. Later during class, Helga is staring at Arnold while Mr. Simmons is playing a projector movie. When Arnold turns around Helga starts moving her head as if the whole time she’s been trying to see past him. The montage is over; Arnold and Gerald are at lunch talking about what they’ve gathered so far.

GERALD: So what do we have.

ARNOLD: Nothing, Gerald! Absolutely nothing! This is so pointless; I told you it wasn’t someone in our class.

GERALD: Well, you got me this time. The only way it was someone in our class would be if they were avoiding being connected with that letter.

ARNOLD: That’s it! Maybe the person who wrote it is trying to make it look like they didn’t write it because they know we’re trying to find out who wrote it.

GERALD: Whoa, calm down. I didn’t mean that someone is trying to act like they wrote it. I meant that the only way it was someone in our class would have to be if they were trying to hide that they did it which is very unlikely.

ARNOLD: How is that unlikely?

GERALD: Look, I was wrong, you were right. It’s someone who’s not in our class.

ARNOLD: No, I think it is someone. They know that we have the letter and are trying to find who wrote it!

GERALD: Why don’t we leave this to fate. We never knew who wrote that book of poems about you, who’s bird it was that spoke that poem to you; why can’t we just never know who wrote this letter?

ARNOLD: Because I’m sick of not knowing, Gerald! I’m sick of passing everything off as unimportant or irrelevant! This is important! This is my chance to finally know who this obsessed person stalking me is! We could start checking alibis!

GERALD: You’re crazy, Arnold. You expect us to pull everybody we know and ask them what they were doing before the letter was discovered?

ARNOLD: Exactly!

GERALD: Forget it, Arnold! That’s insane!

ARNOLD: We can interrogate them just like in those old police movies. You know, in a dark room with a hot, bright light…

GERALD: [Pausing.] Can I wear a trench coat and hat and use phrases like ‘Those are sharp words from a dull person’?

ARNOLD: Yeah, sure.

GERALD: I’m in. Who should we choose first?

SCENE: In the janitor’s closet, Arnold and Gerald have set up a table and a light and are talking to Curly.

ARNOLD: So, Curly, where were you yesterday during recess?

CURLY: I was playing tetherball. Iggy and me, best out of five. I was winning, two to one.

GERALD: The truth, little boy.

CURLY: Alright, he was winning two to one but I had a chance of coming back.

ARNOLD: Did you happen to see anyone writing outside. Any one faking a gym slip? Any one drawing? Perhaps any girls writing love letters? WE WANT THE TRUTH!

CURLY: The truth! You don’t even know what the truth is. To you, the truth is what you want to believe!

GERALD: Ooh, those are some sharp words for a dull person. I think you know something.

CURLY: I don’t know nothin’! I told you! Now let me go before I tell the principal about this persecution for a crime I couldn’t have committed and didn’t witness.

GERALD: We got nothin’. If he knows something, he would’ve told us by now.

ARNOLD: Alright, we’re gonna let you go, but do us a favor. If you hear anything, tell us and we’ll give you this. [Arnold pulls out a five-dollar bill.]

CURLY: Are you kidding, I ain’t no snitch, man!

GERALD: If we hear you know anything, you’ll sing, you little canary, or we’ll pluck your feathers until you do. [Opens the door and Curly walks out there is a huge line outside. Gerald shouts.] Next!

SCENE: Arnold and Gerald are sitting in Arnold’s room collectively. In other words, discussing what they’ve found out.

ARNOLD: Nobody knows.

GERALD: Face it, Arnold! You’ll never know! You’re never going to know! But yet, even though you won’t know, life will still go on! If you spend your whole life checking this letter, you’re going to throw your life away!

ARNOLD: It’s only been a few days. And plus we didn’t talk to three people.

GERALD: We didn’t? Who didn’t we talk to?

ARNOLD: Rhonda, Phoebe and Helga.

GERALD: So? Rhonda didn’t write that letter.

ARNOLD: How do you know that, Gerald? I mean think about it. Who found the letter? Who criticized it as if she had nothing to do with it? What if it was just a prank she’s pulling that she just can’t finish?

GERALD: As believable as that sounds, I doubt it. I mean, come on. Rhonda being associated in a relationship with you would ruin her reputation. I mean, yeah, you’re a popular kid at school, but you don’t have money like her family does. Anyway, she’s got it for Harold.

ARNOLD: [Blinking.] You really think so?

GERALD: Ohhhhh, yeah.

ARNOLD: Okay, what about Phoebe?

GERALD: Hey! Phoebe didn’t write it. I know that for a fact.

ARNOLD: How do you know that for a fact?

GERALD: I… just do. Who else is on the list?

ARNOLD: Helga.

GERALD: Helga! Well, she couldn’t have written the letter.

ARNOLD: Yeah, but she may have seen who wrote it. Someone has to know!

GERALD: Yeah, well, it’s late. My parents are having turkey for dinner, I’m expected home. I’ll see you tomorrow.

ARNOLD: Alright. I got some chores to do anyway. [Both kids leave the room. Camera pans up and shows that Helga has been sitting by Arnold’s ceiling window the whole time.]

HELGA: Well, here I am again. [Opens the window, goes down into Arnold’s room. We leave her for a moment for Arnold taking out the garbage.]

GRANDPA: What’s goin’ on, short man? You and Gerald were up there jawin’ for a good hour or so.

ARNOLD: Oh, we found this letter at school written by some girl to me.

GRANDPA: What kind of letter?

ARNOLD: You know…

GRANDPA: Oh, one of those letters. Well, who wrote it?

ARNOLD: We’re trying to figure that part out.

GRANDPA: Well, then, how the heck did you get the letter?

ARNOLD: Some girl found it in the hall crumpled up.

GRANDPA: Then how do you know it was written to you? How do you know it’s not about some other Arnold?

ARNOLD: I’m the only kid named Arnold at school with a football-shaped head.

GRANDPA: Hmm, that specific of a letter. Well, looks like you got a secret admirer…

ARNOLD: I’d just like to know who wrote it.

GRANDPA: I remember when I had a secret admirer. I was about ten years old…

ARNOLD: I have to take out the garbage, Grandpa. Plus I’ve heard this before.

GRANDPA: Oh, well then go! [Arnold leaves.] Hey, wait a minute! I never told him that story! [Back to Helga.]

HELGA: That letter is in here somewhere! Where is it? Where is it? What’s this? [Pulls out a pink book from Arnold’s book shelf.] My poem book! I can’t believe he still has this. [Sighs romantically.] Well, not anymore. [Tucks it in the front of her dress.] Where’s that letter. [Pulls out Arnold’s journal.] No, that’d be too manipulative. [Puts it back.] Where is that letter? Where?! [Starts hearing footsteps up the stairs.] Shoot! [Quickly scampers up the pathway to Arnold’s roof window by his bed and gets out of his room. Arnold walks in his room and looks around.]

ARNOLD: Something’s different. [A loud thud is heard outside. Helga had jumped from the ceiling to Arnold’s fire escape. Arnold goes to the window by the fire escape and opens it.] Helga?

HELGA: Oh, how ya doin’, Arnold?

ARNOLD: What are you doing on my fire escape?

HELGA: Nothing.

ARNOLD: Nothing?

HELGA: Yeah, I’m not doing anything. Just hanging out.

ARNOLD: [Staring at her.] Okay, then.

HELGA: Yeah, and now I’m on my way.

ARNOLD: Bye.

HELGA: See ya later. [Gets down.] Whew! That was close.

SCENE: At school the next day. Arnold and the usuals (Minus Rhonda) are all hanging around the front of the school. Helga is walking up the sidewalks with a backpack. Helga overhears what they’re saying.

SID: So can we see the letter?

ARNOLD: I don’t have it right now. [Helga stops baffled.] Rhonda has it. She’s comparing the handwriting to anyone else in the class.

STINKY: Well, why can’t you do that?

ARNOLD: Because she hangs out with all the girls all day, she’s near them anyway. [Helga rushes in the school, looking around trying to find Rhonda. She sees her standing by her locker and quickly goes up before she closes it.]

HELGA: Hey, uh, Rhonda. Say, I heard you got some crazy love note to Arnold everyone’s been talking about.

RHONDA: Yeah? So?

HELGA: I’ve just heard so much about it and heard it was hilarious! Maybe I could read it?

RHONDA: No, you’re gonna make me late for class.

HELGA: Please? Come on, Rhonda!

RHONDA: Fine, you can look at it. Oh, by the way, do you have last night’s homework.

HELGA: Yeah? Why?

RHONDA: Well, I wasn’t sure about an answer and wanted to see if it’s right. You know, two people can’t be wrong.

HELGA: Yeah, sure. [Pulls a paper out of her backpack. Rhonda takes Helga’s paper and looks at it and the Arnold letter at the same time.]

RHONDA: Oh… my… gosh…

HELGA: What?

RHONDA: You!

HELGA: Me? What do you mean me?

RHONDA: You wrote the letter!

HELGA: No I didn’t!

RHONDA: These papers have the exact same handwriting!

HELGA: I didn’t write it!

RHONDA: Yes you did! Oh, my gosh, I have to tell somebody!

HELGA: No, please! I didn’t write this! You can’t do this, Rhonda! [Tugging at her shirt.]

RHONDA: Please, Helga, you’re pathetic. Just let it go.

HELGA: NO! [Helga runs over to Rhonda and snatches the letter from her hand.]

RHONDA: Hey! [Helga runs away and Rhonda chases her through the halls.] Give me tha back! [The chase continues, going through different halls of the school. During the chase, Eugene is pushed down by Helga and then stepped on by Rhonda.]

EUGENE: I’m okay. [The chase goes on and Arnold and company are just walking through the front doors. Helga and Rhonda fly by them.]

RHONDA: Give that back!

ARNOLD: What’s with them?

GERALD: I don’t know. Let’s get to class! [Rhonda chases Helga out onto the playground. Helga is has nowhere to go.]

RHONDA: Just give the letter back, Helga.

HELGA: Why, so you can embarrass me?

RHONDA: You do know that even if you keep that, I’m still going to tell everyone that you wrote it.

HELGA: Why are you doing this to me?

RHONDA: Why aren’t you doing this yourself? Helga, you can’t keep this a secret!

HELGA: But why are you making this your… [Stops, sees a garbage truck across the street. Looks down at the ground and sees a rock and a rubber band. She gets a wicked grin on her face.]

RHONDA: What are you doing? [Helga bends to the ground, grabs the rock and wraps the paper around it. Then she proceeds to take the rubber band and tighten the paper to the rock. She throws the paper-covered rock across the street. IT’S IN MIDAIR!] NOOOO! [The rock lands in a trash can across the street. The garbage men then take the can and empty it in the garbage truck.]

HELGA: Yes!

RHONDA: [Flabbergasted.] Well, I’m off to class to tell everyone!

HELGA: Good luck trying to prove it! [Rhonda walks back inside.] I’ve won! I’ve won! Oh, no! Rhonda still has my homework! [Helga rushes into the building down the halls and into class. She stops at the door, catches her breath, and checks her reflection in the glass on the door to make sure that she looked like her gloomy self. She walks in. The teacher is not in class yet but the students are all there. Rhonda is talking.]

RHONDA: …then she throws it into a trashcan! But look at this paper, it’s all the same. Look at how she dot’s her I’s and loops her g’s! It’s identical! [The whole class looks at Helga.] Well, if it isn’t the stalker?

HELGA: I didn’t write that letter, Rhonda!

RHONDA: Yeah, well, then explain this homework paper!

HELGA: [Is sweating nervously. She’s shaking.] I can explain that!

ARNOLD: Helga. Did you write that letter? [She’s still shaking.] Helga?

HELGA: [She finally thinks of something.] The reason why the handwriting matches is because… I didn’t write my homework.

RHONDA: Well, if you didn’t, who did?

HELGA: I can’t tell you that! Do you think I’m gonna snitch on the person who did my homework for me and wrote this stupid love letter to Arnold? I’m not that mean. Besides, she’s not in this grade, you wouldn’t know her.

ARNOLD: I told you!

GERALD: Yeah, whatever.

RHONDA: Well, then why did you get rid of the letter?

HELGA: Doi! I was trying to avoid this whole situation. I thought maybe that if I got rid of the letter, you wouldn’t have anything to expose that I was cheating. [Mr. Simmons had just walked in.]

SIMMONS: Cheating? Helga! For that, I think I’m going to have to give you a detention, young lady.

HELGA: [Sighs.] Okay. I have a detention. I won’t cheat again.

SIMMONS: And you have to do the assignment over again, school rule.

HELGA: Criminey, Simmons! How am I supposed to do that and tonight’s homework?

SIMMONS: Well, I guess I can let the rule slide this time…

HELGA: Oh, thank you, Mr. Simmons! You’re the greatest teacher ever! [Sits down and mutter quietly to herself.] Pushover.

SIMMONS: Okay, class. Today we’re going to start a special chapter about Asia…

RHONDA: [Leaning over from her desk in Helga’s direction.] I’m watching you, Helga. I’m watching you.

HELGA: [Leans back with her hands crossed between her head. She thinks to herself.] Yeah, keep watching, Rhonda. Keep watching. [Starts laughing quietly.]

ARNOLD: Well, we’ll never know who wrote that letter.

GERALD: Just like I told you before.

ARNOLD: I guess it could’ve been worse than Helga though.

GERALD: Please, how could it be worse than Helga?

ARNOLD: It could’ve been Nadine. [Nadine is at the moment playing with a jar of dirt and worms.]

GERALD: That’s not funny, Arnold.

ARNOLD: I’m just kidding. [They do their little thumb shake.]

FINISH: Well, it all ends. The camera view shows an upper shot of the school, fade to black, roll the credits. Proceed with the average Nickelodeon commercials like some Jimmy Neutron cereal giveaway contest.

All rights reserved. ©Shaun Blankenship. Used with permission.