dreaming in color

dreaming in color

I have always dreamed in color
the proof, when I was in 5th grade
was a dream flooded with a sensual shade of violet
which left me speechless
a dream where I had magical powers

I'm reaching for the mystical again now
this is the dream
and I know it is in color
because my skin laid across yours looks translucent
opalescent
and along with your golden browns
make up all the colors of sunrise and sunset together

I am stretched full-length across your body
like it is last year
like I still want to believe
that the weight of my sweat-drenched love
can hold you here for one more moment
before you roll out from under me
and into sleep
twitching with dreams
you will not tell me about in the morning

you have let me see you pray
you have let me see you cry
but there are places inside you I will never go
corridors of darkness you stalk through late at night
opening old doors of pain
to remind yourself of who you were then
and how it felt when
death was unhidden
and violence wore butterfly knives and colt 45s
you dreamed in black and white then
when you dreamed at all
because everything was black and white
and brown and white
and yellow and white
and red and white

"Kelly's not white,"
you tell someone
"she's Irish."
and we laugh about it later
but it's ridiculous how happy it makes me
as if I've been granted a reprieve from the failures
of a cold-blooded race
new words dance in my mouth
Filipino words: adobo, kali
Islamic words: mahabudallah, jihad
and I want to believe that you'll forgive me
for growing up middle class
and understand that it did not keep me safe
I know you think it's sexy
that I know how to fight
and I have to admit I feel the same about you
and somehow I do believe
that growing up in the projects
did not make you too hard
to love me

because I can spend 5 hours on a payphone
talking to you about hakim bey and kahlil gibran
sharing poetry and secrets
I want to believe that we will make love like angels
but when I climb into your bed
(and I do, again and again)
I become
A White Girl

I look for your eyes but you are not in them
I reach for your lips but you're pulling away
your body's fucking mine but you are not here
and I reach in through your heart
and pull you back to me
because this is love
and I will not do this
alone

this, ultimately, is what ends us as lovers
and although you offer up deeply intellectualized excuses
I know that the real reason you cannot have me
is that I will not let you forget
who you're fucking
won't lie still and be
A White Girl

but it's still me you call
when you're tired of this world
knowing I'll talk you off the ledge
we still keep each other's secrets
hold each other's refuge
this is the dream and I know it is in color
because we are all the colors of sunrise and sunset together
and you can't tell which is whose because
we are sliding pore to pore in the sweatslick between us
binding each other tenderly to this world
I have always dreamed in color
but this is new:

your eyes are open and staring into mine
your hand is touching my face
you
are making love
to me

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