light offering

light offering

I gave up writing love poems a long time ago
gave them up along with
sweet, spacey sighs
that sink into your navel
and rest there
random, dreamy smiles
flung unconsciously into spring breezes
to alight with feathered butterfly feet
on the eyelashes of strangers

I gave up you-invade-my-soul poems
at the age of 19
the year I finally learned to let my heart break
quietly
the pop and shatter of a lightbulb in an empty room

one by one
I shed words like
forever
and only
trailing them in my wake
tangled in discarded endearments
like babydarlingsweetheartloverplease

I learned to fall hard
and be hard
and to walk away
virtually
untouched

until the day you stood on my doorstep
with sea-green eyes
hands full of wildflowers
and your kisses slid down my spine
like something golden and divine
swam into my bloodstream
and for weeks I was bathed in that light
liquid and alive with promises
whispered urgently ear to ear
as we made love late at night
wrapping my tongue around forgotten, forbidden words
like forever
and only
and angel

you were my angel
and I was your goddess
for one shining moment
you were my dream
and I was yours
a new world stretching to infinity
glittering beneath our toes
as the hardened carapace of my heart
shattered and fell away
to gleam like black ice in the moonlight

but that moment led to this one
standing here
alone
insufficiently clothed on a summer day turned cold
I shiver
remembering the light in your eyes when you said
I never knew I could be so happy
and it wasn't me who drew that light from within you
wasn't me held warm in your arms
wasn't me enfolded in your kisses
your promises
your dreams

you are wound in the love of some other goddess
and I am here
alone
holding tightly to a moment
a promise
burning brightly in my palm
knowing, finally
that the child I dreamed of birthing
in stories whispered to the moon
was myself
pushed screaming into this new world
naked and vulnerable
with an open heart
believing in angels and endless possibilities
spread glittering beneath my toes

I am washed clean by my tears
and the universe sings to the sound of my feet on the path
as I open my hand
I release this precious, dreamwound light
I let go
I offer it
up

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