Me

Me .  As always  , one can write lines and lines about others . Writing about yourself  is impossibly hard . Let me begin by saying that the 'me' we're refering to , is still a work in progress . I'm still trying to figure myself out . I don't understand myself yet and neither do i know how much more there is to understand . I've changed a lot over the years from the karan of past i remember . Yet the more i've changed , the more i seem to have remained the same ( in certain ways ) . So let me do a complete psychoanalysis of all the various karan's i know  . 

The earliest form of karan i remember  is a version about 5 yrs old . This guy was adorable . Very sweet , with all the right words and all the right people around him . Sheltered , yet allowed to explore and as i recall , never pushed in any direction . I had good friends who were all much much older than me , yet were nice enough to let a kid hang around them .  This guy learnt his early lessons from those guys . Things were always rosy round that time . This karan possessed a few qualities that are still around . First was loyalty to friends . i remember not spilling beans then and its still the same . Anything for friends . Second was a drive to improve myself all the time . Hard to imagine it in a 5 yr old but i distinctly remember i was always trying to get better at everything . Third was the drive to always do more than other people expected . basically it was all an effort to be loved by everyone . I've always wanted to please everyone .  I can't remember any negatives from this guy . He lived in a perfect world . i guess we all remember ourselves this way .

The next distinct guy was the karan of class seven and eight. Suddenly , there was a distinct  change . The low profile i always wanted to keep was replaced by a sudden hunger to lead , to be high profile and prove to be the best . I think it was partly because i had just discovered GIRLS and wanted to impress a certain someone really badly . Another thing was my friend of that time , nitin . He used to look up to me . And he was always behind me no matter what . With that kinda support its easy  to lead . I remember suddenly being very important in all class matters and actually having an impact on opinions . Naturally there were controversies .   Even fights . But over all that was a period i started excelling at almost everything . Class eight is still my best academic and over all performance . This was also the time of discovering other things , like cigarettes and booze and to take a pretty strong stand  against them . I guess this was the rebel phase of me . There was too much energy , everything was passionately pursued and everything was a matter of life or death , yet there was a little control .

Somerville happened at a very good time . I think after class eigth , there wasn't much left to learn at bal bharti . There wasn't room to grow there . I was simply the best there(there  goes modestly out the window) .  At somerville , on the other hand i was like a generation behind others (reality BITES). I still think the 4 years at somerville was the most intense learning experience for me . I guess its cuz there was a lot of catching up to do . I'm not talking academically here .  It was the overall personality , i got the confidence in myself from the success at bal bharti and the opportunity to use to it to learn at a rapid pace at somerville . But i did change myself as soon as i joined somerville  . i decided to keep a low profile again . well as much as possible atleast . It was a very conscious decision .  I think it was also cuz my mom was a teacher there and i didn't want to embarrass her because of me . So i tried passing up on taking strong stands . I just tried to be one of the population there while quietly making myself better all the time . Somewhere along there , things kind of got stuck . I became what i was portraying . I was always avoiding confrontations . i remember being kinda worried at what i'd become in class 12 . yet i was pretty happy at the progress i'd made since class 9 .  

Pune was the first change in my life where i went to a new environment and there was no challenge . No new things to pick up . I've always hated that place for this . Suddenly i was the one teaching people everything . It was not the position i ever wanted . It might seem awesome and cool to be the guy everyone was rushing to for help but its not . Sure i enjoyed the attention initially . But two things quickly put an end to that . First , i was very very frustrated at the lack of any improvement in me . and second i could simply see through people . i could see no one was thankful . Everyone just wanted to get the work done . Thats all .  I'd never seen such a thing before . For me it's always been very close friends who are there no matter what . It was a shock to say the least . But i learnt a new thing there . i learnt i could become what the person in front wanted me to become . I was cast as  a crazy , wild , out of control freak from delhi  almost as soon as i arrived . I simply took the role . Even though i'd never been anywhere near wild in my life before .  If someone from pune was to meet a friend of mine from delhi and compare notes on me .... they'd think they were talking of two different people .  I guess it was all for the good . The few people who bothered to look deeper and get to know me , came to know me as a very different person . For everyone else , i don't care what they think . And that's the biggest change for me in pune . I started NOT caring about what people think . Atleast some people . N i'm not proud of that .  Somewhere along the way in pune , i also stopped caring if i was improving myself . Deep down i had seen it coming , i had sensed myself drift towards this but i didn't do anything .  Thats why i hated pune intensely while  i was there . I always felt stifled . I can safely say the karan that went into pune was a lot better a person who came out of it . And its gonna take a long time to repair the damage .

I'm still in the process of removing all trace of pune from me and then getting started again , but i've come to realise its a lot harder to get over bad habits picked up than to learn and pick up new habits .

So as i said , 'me' is still a work in progress . There have been a lot of changes but a few basic things have remained the same since that 5 year old karan  . I still have the concept of friendship and 'anything at all for friends' is something i believe in . I still wanna please everyone ... thats one thing from pune i've been able to remove . I still wanna get better . become a better person . thats another thing i'd lost in pune . I've come to the point where i wanna improve myself again . But i haven't gotten round to doing anything about it yet . The other thing thats remained the same is the fact that i've managed to keep my friends.. That means a lot to me .   Just to know for a fact that i still have friends who i grew up with gives me confidence in myself . There must be something right running through  all the versions of  'karan' for these people, who've seen it all , the good , the bad and the ugly of him to still be around .  Its an immense relief and always a confidence booster .

So thats it about me . A complete , 'writing-what-i-see-looking-back' kind of analysis of whats me . Its kind of therapeutic you know . It makes me feel better just to have looked back hard and true .  

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