The Light of One Night

When Nicole got home that night, she was happier than she'd been in a long time. Everything she'd said to Leroy had been absolutely true - there had been many times in the past year when she had come close to telling him everything. She'd written him letters that she'd never sent, she'd picked up the phone to dial his number, but she'd never gone through with it. She hadn't thought he'd understand, hadn't known if he'd forgive her or not, and the fear of his rejection was more than enough to keep her silent.

She was surprised to see her mother in the living room, obviously waiting up for her. "Hi Mom." She kissed her on the cheek. "What are you still doing up?"

"Waiting for you. I wanted to ask you something."

Nicole sat down, smiling. "Sarah's a lot better today. You should see her Mom, she's almost back to her - "

"That's not what I wanted to ask you Nicole." Joyce Chapman cut across her daughter's words. "Why didn't you tell me that Leroy Johnson was Sarah's father?"

Nicole's mouth dropped open in shock. This was a development that she hadn't anticipated - the latest in a long line, she reflected ruefully. She and Leroy had agreed not to tell anyone that he was the father, at least not for the meantime. How had her mother guessed?

"Don't bother denying it." Her mother held up a hand. "I went back to the hospital tonight to see if you wanted a ride home. I saw the two of you with Sarah through the window. It was obvious what was going on...I don't know why I didn't work it out sooner." Her mouth was set in a firm line.

"Mom..." Nicole began pacing around the room, trying to figure out the best way to tell her the truth. "Leroy never knew."

"He didn't know you were pregnant?"

"I never told him. I knew that if he knew, he'd want me to tell you, and Daddy was so angry...the things he was saying...."

Mrs Chapman recalled a couple of the things that her husband had said that night, then something else occurred to her. "And wasn't he teaching at your school?"

Nicole nodded. "But I never thought of him as a teacher. He was always Leroy. My friend Leroy."

"A little bit more than your friend I'd say."

"It just happened once Mom, I swear. And when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't tell anyone that Leroy was the father. It would have ruined his life."

"So you left your school...your friends...all to protect him?"

"I had to Mom. For both of us." There were tears in Nicole's eyes, but her voice remained strong. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I wanted to, really, I did. But there was too much at stake."

Mrs Chapman stood and hugged her daughter. "OK. Why don't you go up to bed. You've had a tough couple of days."

Nicole looked at her mother. "What about Daddy?"

"Why don't we let this be our secret?" Mrs Chapman asked with a smile.

"You're not going to tell him?"

"He's accepted Sarah as your daughter. And our grandchild. Why drag up old wounds?" Mrs Chapman asked. "Now get to bed."

Nicole didn't have to be told twice.

The rest of the week passed without event. Sarah came home as expected. Nicole went back to school, and everyone noticed a difference in her now that she wasn't carrying her secret around with her anymore. Even Maxie was ready to admit that the other kids hadn't exaggerated her good points, although privately, she had her suspicions why Nicole never identified Sarah's father. That was the one point Nicole had been worried about, but everyone seemed to accept her explanation that they didn't know him, and people didn't press her on the point. She was grateful for that. She was used to keeping silent about certain facts, but flat-out lying to her friends had never appealed to her. Rehearsals for Miss Saigon went on as usual, and it was shaping up to be one of the best plays that they had ever put on, as Jillian often observed, an observation that brought with it much teasing from Ian and Jesse.

That Sunday, there was no rehearsal of Miss Saigon and Leroy also had the day off. Thus it was that Nicole went over to his appartment, bringing Sarah with her, so that Leroy could spend some time with his daughter. He greeted them at the door with a huge smile, and once more Nicole wished that he had been there from the beginning.

He made them coffee, and they sat on the couch in silence, watching Sarah, lying on a blanket on the floor, happily playing with what Nicole called her "jungle gym" - a frame placed over her with toys dangling from it, so she could grab at them. "She loves that," Nicole told him. "She'd play with it for hours."

Leroy stared at her, then back at Nicole. "I still can't believe this," he confided in her.

Nicole looked guilty. "I'm sorry Leroy."

"Hey, no apologies, remember? What's done is done."

Nicole sighed. "I just wish you could have been there, to see her. I mean, I know why I did what I did, and I'd do it again...I just wish I hadn't had to."

"I wish I could have been there too." Seeing the look on Nicole's face, he quickly amended his statement. "I do, I'm not gonna lie about it. But I'm here now. And I'm gonna keep on being here - that's more important than wishing we could change the past."

Nicole smiled. "Yeah."

"I want to know her Nicole. I want to know my kid," he continued. "I could never understand that about Lemar - how he could just up and leave Tina like that. And look at her...how could you walk away from her?"

"My parents wanted me to give her up for adoption. But I couldn't do that."

"Is that because you were adopted?"

Nicole considered the question. "Partly. I guess I always felt a little abandoned until I met Diane. But it was more than that. She's a part of me, y'know? And I love her - I've loved her since before she was born. I'm like you - I couldn't walk away. Once my parents saw that I'd made my mind up, they told me they'd support me." She chuckled suddenly. "I think they were a little aprehensive about being grandparents...now, they spoil her rotten. Especially my dad. He's crazy about her."

"What was telling them like?"

"Horrible." Nicole's face clouded, and he instantly regretted asking the question. "Like I said, my mom cried, and my dad shouted. We were up until one o'clock in the morning, just talking about what I was going to do."

"And they sent you to Florida?"

"It was my idea. I had it all worked out, before I even told them. I knew I couldn't stay in New York or you'd find out, and there was no way I was having an abortion. So I wanted to leave. My parents weren't crazy about it, but I told them I didn't want anyone at the school to know...I spun them some story, I can't even remember. It was my mom who gave in first - she was terrific. She was there when Sarah was born."

"You know, I don't even know her birthday?"

Nicole grinned. "October 4th....three days overdue."

"Arriving late....a Johnson trait!" Leroy quipped.

"For which I was not thankful!" Nicole told him. "Being heavily pregnant during an Indian summer in Florida is not my idea of a good time!" She reached for her handbag as she spoke. "I went through my albums last night and brought some photos of her, if you want to see them..."

"I'd love to," Leroy scooted over closer to her on the couch and listened to Nicole as she reminisced, taking in every word.

They were interrupted when Sarah began to cry. Nicole checked her watch. "She's hungry I'd say." She picked up the baby and gave her to Leroy to hold. "I'll get her bottle."

Leroy stared at her, an expression of mild panic on his face. "How do I stop her crying?"

Nicole looked amused. "She's better already." That much was true - screams had changed to mild whimpers. "Just talk to her. She likes that."

"Just talk to her," Leroy muttered, addressing the baby. "Easy for her to say, ain't it Sarah? Your momma's used to that. Not like me." Miracle of miracles, the baby seemed to respond to his voice, just like Nicole had said she would. "What do you talk to babies about anyways?" he continued, warming to his theme, as Sarah watched him, eyes wide. "I haven't had much practice at this stuff, so you're just gonna have to tell me when I do something wrong. Or at least let a decent cry out. You seem to be pretty good at that though..."

"You're not so bad at this." Leroy's head snapped up as he saw Nicole standing in front of them with a smile on her face. "I mean it," she told him, sitting down. "Do you want to feed her?" She held out the bottle.

"I don't know..."

"It's easy," Nicole told him, conveniently forgetting how terrifying it had been to her six months ago. She showed him how it was done, and Sarah surprised them both by drinking down the whole bottle. When she was finished, she was sleepy, so Nicole put her down for a nap.

"Are you sure she'll be ok there?" Leroy asked doubtfully.

"She'll be fine." Nicole followed him out, leaving the door slightly ajar. "If she wakes up, we'll hear her."

Leroy smiled. "I noticed."

"You're good with her Leroy."

"You think so?"

Nicole nodded as she sank down gratefully on the couch. "I know so. I knew you would be."

Leroy looked at her quizically. "You did? How?"

"I saw you with Tina...how you handled her. How much you loved her, and she worshipped you. The way you worked so hard to get her the doll's house she wanted for Christmas...not many men would do that." Leroy began to protest, but she raised her hand to stop him. "There were times when I would let myself daydream. About what life would be like if you knew about her. If you were with us. It was this nice little fantasy...a place where I didn't feel so lonely...so scared. Where I knew that everything was going to be ok."

Leroy reached over and took her hand. "I wish I had been there. To make it all ok. Because I would have." He paused. "There's nothing I wouldn't have done."

"If it had been another time, another place..."

"That ain't how it works baby. You and I both know that. We just gotta deal the cards we're played, and do the best we can. That's all you did when you went to Florida. That's all we're doin' now. Just the best we can. The best we know."

Nicole reached over to the pile of photos on the table, and from them, she extracted a small bound notebook. Running her hand over the surface of it, she seemed a million miles away. "When I was in Florida, I thought about you every day. There were so many times I wanted to tell you that I was pregnant, or just little things that happened that day. You were one of my best friends for so long, you were there for me so many times. It was hard to go through something this big without you there. So whenever there was something I had to tell you, or I felt like I wanted to talk to you, I wrote it down. In here." She handed the book over to him. "I want you to have it."

Leroy took the book and flicked through the pages briefly. They were filled with Nicole's handwriting. "Nicole, I can't take this...it's your journal."

"It's your journal," Nicole told him. "I wrote in it sure, but it's yours. Everything in it is for you. You wanted to know everything about it...here it is, right here. Day to day."

Leroy stared at the journal, then the woman sitting beside him. His gaze flickered over to the bedroom door, where Sarah was asleep. "Thank you Nicole."

"I wanted you to share this with me. You couldn't be there. This was the next best thing."

After Nicole had left, Leroy opened the journal and flicked through the pages once more. Snippets of sentences leapt out at him, and he marvelled for the millionth time that week at what Nicole had done. Turning to the first page, he began to read....

February 5th
Today, the most wonderful, terrible thing happened to me - I found out that I'm pregnant. There's a part of me which is appalled that something like this could happen to me. I'm only sixteen - after all, Diane was fifteen when she got pregnant with me. I never thought that history would repeat itself. I hear myself asking how can I bring a child into this world, when I'm little more than a child myself. When I haven't even finished high school. How can I support a child, how can I follow my dreams, with a baby?

Yet I know, I know in my heart of hearts, that there's no way I can do anything but have this baby. I could never have an abortion - if Diane had done that, I wouldn't be here. And having been given up for adoption myself, I know the sense of abandonment, however loving the adoptive parents are, that the child feels. I could never inflict that on my own child.

And then, there's the part of me that is happy about this. Leroy and I had one night together - one perfect night. When I look back on it, I feel no regret, no shame. Just happiness. Nothing has ever felt as right to me as that night, not with any other man, not even with Jesse. I'm afraid that people, if they find out, are going to attach some sordid, tacky meaning to it. But it wasn't like that. It was special. Leroy has been my friend, my confidante for so long, that night, things just went a step further. But I don't regret it, and I never will. Not even now, with things like this. I know that no matter what happens, I will be able to look at my child and say that he or she was conceived in love. That's the one thing that makes this whole situation slightly easier to bear.

February 13th
Tonight was horrendous. I knew it was going to be bad, but nothing prepared me. Nothing could.

My mom cried when I told her. I could see how disappointed she was, and that hurt me more than I can ever tell anyone. She thought that she'd taught me better than that. And she did. But it was just one time, one night. One time where I let my guard down, one time where I let things go to far. And it's funny, but with all the things I've done right, all the times I've followed the rules, it's this one time I've broken them that I don't regret.

My father also reacted predictably. He was furious. He kept asking me if they had taught me nothing, how could I let this happen. He kept asking me who the father was as well. I refused to tell him, told him it didn't matter. Leroy is my teacher - if this comes out, he'll lose his job, and he'll never get another one. It'll follow him around for the rest of his life, not to mention God knows what he'd do out of some misguided sense of obligation. So telling my parents was out of the question. If anything, that made Dad more angry. He told me that because I was sixteen, that technically, it was statutory rape. It's the one thing tonight that nearly made me smile. I know what went on on New Year's Eve, and it wasn't rape. I wanted it.

Then they asked me what I wanted to do. I told them that no matter what they said, I was keeping the baby. I think they were quite taken aback at that. They were even more taken aback when I said I didn't want anyone in New York to know. That I wanted to go away somewhere - anywhere - and have the baby in secret. They don't understand, and I'm not so sure I care. As long as I can do what I want to do, that's all that matters to me. Eventually, they agreed, once they saw that my mind was made up. They know how stubborn I can be! Dad phoned his sister out in Florida, and she's going to let me stay with her. She works part time in a theatre group anyway, so the official story is that she got me a part in a play there. I've already left the school once for reasons like that, so hopefully leaving again won't raise too many eyebrows.

Who am I kidding? Knowing my friends, there's going to be a near riot before I even finish making the announcement. There'll be bedlam, farewells, farewell parties...this is not going to be an easy week. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to them all, because I don't know when I'll be back. Facing Leroy for the past month has been hard, for the past week it's been almost impossible. What will it be like when the baby is born? I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when I say goodbye to him...

February 19th
The final farewell party for me happens tomorrow night, although every night at Lous, every class, every lunchtime turns into a mini-farewell. "This is the last time you'll do this Nicole....!" If they only knew how much I want to stay here, how I wish things could be different. But they're not, and however much it hurts me, I know what I have to do.

I think Leroy's been avoiding me since he heard that I'm leaving. He's not stupid, he knows that something is wrong with me. And he probably thinks it's to do with New Years Eve. I just hope he hasn't worked out that I'm pregnant - that's my worst fear now. I'm six weeks gone, and I'm already noticing a difference, more in how I feel than any external appearance. No morning sickness yet, thank God. Explaining that to Miss Grant in her morning dance class would take some doing!

I talked to Leroy today. A final goodbye as it were. I made excuses not to go to Lous - I told everyone I had to pack. Instead, I stayed late at the school, walking around way after everyone had gone, taking a final look. Just remembering the things that have happened to me since I've been there, how much I've grown, how much I've changed. It was late, and dark. I thought everyone had gone home.....

In his appartment, Leroy murmured, "You were sitting in the dance studio..."

...and I finally found myself in dance class. How many hours have I spent in that room? I sat at the piano, in the exact same place where Leroy was sitting at Christmas, when he fell asleep when we were dancing, and he was meant to be telling us where we were going wrong. That was the day that Tina arrived, and I offered to help him study for his biology exams -which he aced. It was during those late night study sessions that I realised that I felt more for him than just friendship...that I wanted more than that.

Leroy smiled. "I felt the same..."

But I managed to convince myself that I was imagining things, that it was just a crush. He couldn't possibly feel that way about me.

"Why not? Everyone else did," Leroy told the diary, recalling the lengthy list of male students who had at one time or another become smitten by Nicole.

Of course, New Years Eve changed that! And I was sitting there at the piano today, remembering that night, how excited Tina was about staying up to ring in the New Year with us, how excited she was to stay in someone's good guest room, how I felt when he kissed me, how it felt to wake up in his arms, when all of a sudden, I heard his voice behind me..."

"What are you doing here so late? I thought you'd be at Lous." Leroy's lips moved as he remembered, rather than read, the words on the page.

I half-turned, embarrassed at being caught here, lost in my own world, dreaming of him. But I didn't stay embarrassed - Leroy never makes me feel that way for long. Whenever I'm with him, all I can think about is him. I never worry about him misunderstanding the things I say. I can just be myself. I mumbled some excuse about needing some time alone, time to say my goodbyes. He told me he'd done the same thing the day before he graduated. That there was something special about this place, that it got into your heart and didn't let it go. That's exactly how I feel.

"You sure about this Nicole?" he asked. "You're gonna be missed around here."

"I know," I told him. "And I'm gonna miss this place too. And the people." I was so afraid that my voice was going to crack, that I was going to fall apart totally, and tell him the truth. But I didn't. "I just know that this is the right decision Leroy. It's something that I have to do."

"You'll keep in touch right? Let us know how you're gettin' on?" I nodded. It was easier that way. "And Tina's gonna be comin' out in the summer - she'll be real disappointed if she doesn't get to see you." Again, there was nothing I could say to that. In the summer, I'm going to be six months pregnant. There's no way Tina or anyone else is gonna see me like that.

Then he said it. The zinger. The thing I had prayed I'd never have to hear. "Nicole? Do you ever think about...."

I put a finger to his lips - I couldn't go there. But I had to say something. "I think about it," I whispered. "A lot. And I'm not sorry about what happened. I promise you that. But we both know...."

"...That it can't happen again." He finished the sentence for me, and I could see that he was nearly crying too. "But it was special, wasn't it?"

I nodded, the tears by now pouring down my cheeks. If I live to be one thousand, I will never understand how we can feel so much, yet how it can be so wrong. My hand was on his cheek, and now he cupped my face in his hands, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. I was looking into his eyes, and it was like being back on New Year's Eve again....."

There were more tears on Leroy's face as he relived the moment. He could still see her there, so vunerable, so beautiful. In hindsight, he could see that she was hiding something from him, that there was something unspoken between the two of them. He'd put it down to the fact that she was leaving in a couple of days. Now he knew how much more serious it was - she was giving up her life, everything she knew, to protect him. "It was like being back on New Year's Eve again..." he re-read. "And then I kissed you...."

...He kissed me. I thought that our first kiss was the most passionate kiss I'd ever experienced. This beats it by far. All I could think about was how much I cared for this man, how much he meant to me. And I didn't know if I'd ever see him again after this. This moment, this kiss, might be the last time I ever see him. And I think he felt the same.

"I did....I did..."

And I knew that this was a mistake, that we shouldn't be doing this. That even though it was late, this was still a pretty public place. But I didn't care. All I cared about was him. Then reality hit, and I broke the kiss. I think he was surprised...but I just asked him to hold me. And he did. Then we walked out together, and he put me into a cab, and now here I am. I can still feel his arms around me....feel how safe I felt, how nothing could harm me once I was with him. That's a feeling that I want to hold onto. That's how I want to remember him."

Leroy gave an ironic chuckle. He'd had the same thoughts. He wanted his last memory of Nicole to be the way she was then too - not at some goodbye party, surrounded by a cast of thousands. So when it came to the goodbye party at Lous' he'd put in a cameo appearance only. He'd always thought she'd understand, and skimming over her entry about the party, he noted that she had. He stopped speed-reading when it came to her account of her first night in Florida.

February 21st
I wasn't going to write in here tonight. I was going to wait until tomorrow, when I wasn't so tired from travelling, and so emotionally exhausted from leaving home. But here I am in Florida, and it's three in the morning, and exhausted as I am, I can't sleep. My mind keeps whirring, remembering the school, the other kids, Leroy - especially Leroy. It would have been so easy to tell him everything that night in the dance studio. And I nearly did. But my choice was made a long time ago - I had to follow through on it. He didn't stay long at Lou's last night, only as long as the cake and presents. I was glad - this way I get to remember the two of us alone. Not lies, and hiding from everyone.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel lonely. There's no-one I can talk to about how I'm feeling, no-one I can share my secret with. All I want is for someone to take me in their arms and hold me, and tell me that everything is going to be alright. But for the first time in my life, I really am all alone. There's no-one I can turn to - I have to rely on myself. For me, and my baby. I just hope I'm going to be strong enough.

Leroy shook his head. "I would have done that." He spoke as if Nicole was in the same room with him, and began flicking forwards through the diary without finishing the entry. "I would have been there for you....." He stopped when he came to a page with a photo clipped to it. On closer inspection, he realised that it was an ultrasound photo. A smile lit up his face and he read on.

April 7th
Today was an amazing day - I got to see my baby for the first time. It was a magical feeling, seeing the image on the screen like that, hearing the heartbeat for the very first time. I've always heard people talk about what a miracle it is, how amazing it is. And today I really felt that. I felt so lucky, so blessed that this happened to me. That's something that I haven't felt in a long time. I wish Leroy had been here to share in it - he would have loved it. I can almost imagine him - hear the things that he'd say. He would have had a thousand questions. He would have squeezed my hand, and looked into my eyes, and told me how thrilled he was that this was happening to us. How happy he was that he was going to be a father.

At least that's how I like to imagine it.

In reality though, I was on my own, and my aunt was in the waiting room. It didn't seem as bad as it normally does though. Seeing this picture makes it all worthwhile.

"It sure does," Leroy murmured, fingering the well-worn image. Although the picture was only a year old, it looked far older, as if it had been handled many times by loving hands. He wished that he could have been there, although in a way, it was almost like he had been. He was sure that he would have reacted just the way Nicole had dreamed.

April 26th
My parents went home today. Finally. I love them, but I thought they were never going to leave. My father more so than my mother. Mom was really supportive, asking me how I was feeling, making sure I knew what to expect. Dad was much more demanding. He keeps asking me who the father is, and no matter how many times I refuse to tell him, he keeps on and on about it. He seems convinced that it's Jesse who's the father, still. I'm just relieved that he hasn't sought Jesse out and demanded the "truth" from him. I wouldn't put it past him. I almost wish Jesse was the father - it would make things so much easier. As it is, when this baby is born, it's going to be half black. How in the world am I going to explain that to him?

And do I really care anyway?

Leroy smiled bitterly to himself. He had met Nicole's parents a couple of times, both as a student and a teacher, and had listened to Jesse complain many times about how they disliked him, and disapproved of his relationship with Nicole. Although he had never said as much to Nicole, Leroy knew that Jesse was of the private opinion that his Mexican ancestry was a major point against him in Mr Chapman's eyes. If that was indeed the case, he could easily imagine Nicole's trepidation at presenting him with a grandchild whose father was black. Obviously, from what she had earlier told him, her fears had been unfounded.

July 28th
Today was another hot one - and all the long range weather forecasts are predicting that it's only going to get hotter as August comes in. And there's some people who are even predicting an Indian Summer. That is the very stuff of my nightmares - being almost seven months pregnant at the height of the summer is bad enough. I don't even want to imagine being almost to my due date in the middle of Indian Summer!

It's so hot out that I'm spending a lot of time indoors, with the blessed air-conditioning. I'm getting letters from Reggie and Dusty and everyone, telling me how lucky I am to be in the Florida sunshine. If they only knew! I tell them that it's too hot to be outside which is what a lot of people are saying. In my condition, it's even worse for me. My aunt has a huge movie collection, which I'm steadily working my way through. There's one, which I'd never even heard of before, a relic from her time in England, where she saw it on tv, and got the video when she was back home. The final song at the end of it is really beautiful, and it seems to hold a significant meaning for me. It could have been written for Leroy and me. I almost wore the tape out, playing it over and over again, and I can't get the melody or the lyrics out of my head. In the spirit of trying to write them out, it goes like this.....

Those schoolgirl days of telling tales
And biting nails are gone
But in my mind I know
They will still live on and on
But how do you thank someone
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy, but I'll try

If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky
In letters that would soar
A thousand feet high
'To Sir, With Love'

The time has come for closing books
And long last looks must end
And as I leave I know
That I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me right from wrong
And weak from strong
That's a lot to learn, but what can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon
I would try to make a start
But I would rather you let me give my heart
'To Sir, With Love'

Leroy hummed the melody to himself as he read the words. He remembered that movie. In actual fact, it was one of his favourites. Sydney Poitier was one of his mother's favourite actors, and she had seen all of his films more than once. Which meant, of course, that Leroy had too. In his younger days, he'd hated it, but as he got older, he grew to like them. "To Sir with love," he said to himself. He chuckled them. "Nicole, where did you ever learn to be so corny?" Again, he fast-forwarded through the diary, until he got to the entry he really wanted to read.

October 5th
I'm a mother!

It's hard to believe, even as I write this, and I'm looking across the room at her. 7 pounds, 6 ounces, born yesterday at 8:16PM, three days late. And she's beautiful. Even my mother said so. I was a little worried that she was going to try to convince me to give her up for adoption, but the moment she saw her new grand-daughter, I knew that wasn't going to happen. She was just as in love with her as I was. And I was. No matter how much I've worried over the past nine months, once she was born, I knew I wouldn't have done anything differently.

I've decided to call her Sarah, after my grandmother.

My mother says she looks a little like me when I was a baby. I know that she's noticed about her colour - she's just not saying anything. I keep telling myself that there's no way she can know about Leroy. But there's a part of me that wonders if she looks like he did when he was a baby, or if she looks like Tina did.

We've decided that I'll stay on in Florida for a while, and come back sometime after Christmas. I need to get used to the idea of being a mother, and my parents need some time to get used to being grandparents! Mom is staying here for a couple of weeks, although I think she might stay a little longer than that. I've hardly had any time to myself since she arrived - she's being very solicitous. Some might say overbearing. I'd forgotten what it was like to be around her so much. I've been left very much to my own devices since I've been here. I thought I might resent it, but it's nice to have someone to lean on.

I'm trying very hard not to, because it's something that I've been writing down incessantly since I've been here, but now more than ever, I wish Leroy was here. His daughter is so beautiful - he deserves to see her. And she deserves to know her Daddy.

Leroy picked up the picture nestled here inside the diary. It was a photo of a newborn Sarah, with Nicole holding her. It was very like several photos he'd seen earlier on that day, but now, having read some of Nicole's innermost thoughts, there was a whole new dimension to it. He felt closer to the two of them than ever. He knew that it was silly, but he felt more like a father somehow. Turning over the page, he was surprised to see that that was the last entry. Instead of more writing, he found sheets of folded notepaper. Lifting them from the page, he saw his name written on the outside in Nicole's handwriting. Unfolding the letter, he noticed the date on the top of it - he recognised it instantly as the day that he and Nicole had talked at the hospital - the day he found out about Sarah.

Dear Leroy
Part of me hoped that today would never happen. That I would never have to explain to you what I did. An even bigger part of me hoped that I would. Hoped that you would know all about our daughter, our beautiful little girl. That's what moved me to keep this journal, which I hope you've read, if you've found this letter. Or did you do what you used to do in English class, and just skip right to the end?

"I never did that!" Leroy protested. Then he paused. "Much."

       No matter. If you're reading this, it means that you know my deep dark secret. I hope you can understand why I kept it from you. I did it for both of us Leroy. I honestly believe in my heart and soul that it was better this way. I also hope you believe that the things I said to you that night in your appartment when you first came back weren't true. It wasn't just sex, there was far more to it than that. We both felt it, I know. I pray that that will be the last lie between us - there have been too many already. I also pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive the lies, and that you don't hate me......

"I could never hate you...."

       .....because that is the one thing I truly couldn't stand. If the past months have taught me anything, it's that I can live without your love. I know however, without even trying, that I could never live with your hate.

Once again, Leroy found himself talking to an empty room. "You were never without my love. It was right there....all the time...."

       Know this Leroy. I will never, ever, regret that night, or the result of it. I love Sarah more than anything in the world, and I'll take good care of her. She's going to be the happiest child ever, I swear it. I told myself the day she was born that I would love her enough for both of us, and I've never wavered from that. And I'll never stop you seeing her - she needs a father who loves her like you do - I knew that when I saw you together tonight. No matter what has happened between us, or will happen between us, Sarah is number one, and always will be.

       I do love you Leroy. I always will. I know we can't be together, but I thought you should know the whole truth at last. Better late than never, right?

       All my love,
              Nicole

Leroy read the letter several times that night, memorising every line. It said everything he wanted to hear, everything he had wanted to hear for so long during that long time without her. All those times he had wondered where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking. Now he knew.

She loved him.

And he loved her.

But she said they couldn't be together.

Leroy folded up the letter and put it back inside the journal. Sighing, he looked at the clock, and winced when he realised that it was almost morning. He doubted that he would get any sleep that night - he had a lot of thinking to do.

Previous Next

Back to Fame Fanfiction