Category: D/S
Rating: PG
Archive: My site, The Band Gazebo, (www.oocities.org/helsinkibaby)Heliopolis; Statistical Outliers, Sandra's site, Rach’s site ; anywhere else please ask first
Feedback: Always welcome.
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended.
Season/Sequel: Post Ep to Holiday
Spoilers: Holiday, Children of the Gods, Fire and Water, Singularity, Enigma, The Tok'ra, Need, The First Commandment Emancipation, In the Line of Duty, The Gamekeeper - I think that's everything!
Summary: Thoughts at the end of Holiday.
Author's Notes: Thanks must be given to the DanielandSamantha list, who, way back when, decided to list all the great Daniel and Sam moments, under the guise of rationalising why we believe in this relationship. Out of little acorns…..

"Welcome back SG-1"

General Hammond's words signal the end of one of the more interesting missions we've ever had as SG-1, and you'd never know from his voice that he's as relieved as I am that this whole thing is over. However, I've known the General for a long time, and I know how worried he was over this whole thing.

Almost as worried as I was.

I duck my head, unable to turn away from Machello's body, remembering how close it came to Daniel lying there dead like that. If Machello hadn't spoken to me, all but telling me how to get everything back the way it should be….

I'm still shaking.

Janet's looking at me sympathetically, as is the General. Teal'c and the Colonel are engaged in spirited banter…ok, the Colonel is bantering, Teal'c is doing his straight man routine….something about shaving his head?

I decide I really don't want to know and turn my attention to Daniel.

He's standing, hands on the bedclothes, staring down at the body that held him prisoner. I can imagine how terrible it must have been for him. I know what it's like to be trapped in your own body - what's happened to him can only be worse. I stretch my hand out, placing it on his back, a way of reassuring myself that he's still there, that he's real, that he's not going anywhere. Maybe if I leave my hand there for long enough, the shaking will go away.

Daniel is just staring at Machello. I wonder what's going through his mind right now?

>*<*>*<

I clench my jaw tightly, the sounds of the infirmary around me fading into nothingness. Nothing exists except for Machello and me. I thought that I'd hate him, hate him for what he put me through…what he's put all of us through. I still have to get most of the details from Sam, although I bet it's going to make one hell of a mission report. But I don't. Hate him I mean. I mean, I can identify with him. Hating the Goa'uld. Wanting revenge. Watching the woman he loved turn into a stranger before his eyes. Obviously a genius, the stuff in his lab is going to keep Sam busy for months. And me too, working on the translations for it. But he was so angry, so bitter…. his hatred for the Goa'uld took over his life….destroyed it eventually.

I don't want that to happen to me.

I can feel someone staring at me, feel a hand on my back. As strange as it sounds, I know that touch. I don't need to turn around to know who's there, who's always been there for me. Who I can go to for comfort, for help. I don't need to turn, but I do, meeting a pair of blue eyes. Worried blue eyes, slightly red rimmed. As if someone hasn't got much sleep lately. Or has been crying.

I've been looking at those eyes for a long time without realising how beautiful they are. How easily I could get lost in them.

And just for a moment, I do.

>*<*>*<

His eyes lock onto mine as his head turns, and I stare back at him, unable to look away. And despite myself, the shakes increase in strength. Janet probably thinks it was just the worry of what happened, the stress of trying to figure out a way to save the …lives, personalities, whatever you want to call it, of my three friends.

I wish that was all it was.

But that's not what made me tremble from head to foot.

That didn't start in earnest until General Hammond and I first spoke to Machello-in-Daniel's-body in the holding cell. When he was trying to convince us to let Daniel die so that he could keep his body. The way he looked at me then….it was the same way that he looked at me when he gave me the key to sorting out this whole mess.

As if he was challenging me. Daring me to fix this.

I've seen that look before, although never on Daniel. But during my tumultuous, passionate and ultimately doomed romance with Jonas Hanson, I came to know it well.

And God help me, it still turned me on.

I know that it wasn't Daniel. The only problem with that little fact was the time that I'd spent with Daniel-in-Machello's-body, trying to help him translate the symbols and figure out how the damn thing worked. His frustration was so evident, so clear….and it killed me to see him like that. Then, when he slipped into the coma….it's been a long time since I was so scared. Even when we thought he was dead, even during that mess with Shyla, it was never this bad. Because this time, I'd already lost him in body….I couldn't stand the idea of losing him in spirit as well.

So I stayed by his bedside, hoping, praying, wishing that he'd wake up. Wanting to be there when he did. And I begged him to wake up.

>*<*>*<

Those eyes are truly one of the most amazing sights I've ever seen…and I've seen a lot. So blue…so precious…truly the windows to the soul of Samantha Carter, and what a beautiful soul it is too. Not that she knows that of course. Sam has a tendency to take the weight of the world on her shoulders, and beat herself up when she can't set her own high standards.

Funny….I've just realised that people say the same thing about me.

But back to Sam….and those eyes, usually so bright and vibrant, but now dark and troubled. Those eyes were the first things I saw when I came out of my coma, and I'm so glad that they were. I'd been dreaming about them, about her voice. I could hear her talking to me, imploring me to wake up.

The promise of blue eyes was what saved me from the dark. Dark like the nights on Abydos, when Sha're and I would curl up together and shut out the world. Dark like the hair that cascaded down her back, across my chest, through my fingers. Dark like my life when she was taken.

Blue gave me hope. Sam gave me hope.

And I knew I couldn't take that hope away from her. I couldn't leave her.

So I woke up, making a joke to relieve the tension, the seriousness of the situation.

>*<*>*<

"It's nice to know you don't just like me for my looks."

Those twelve words gave me back my hope. The face may have been wrong, the voice may have been wrong, but the sentiment, the wording, the timing- that was classic Daniel.

I was so happy to hear him speak that it took me a couple of seconds to actually process what he said. And when I did, that's when I began to shake.

Like you just for your looks Daniel? Are you kidding me?

Oh, I know you meant it in jest. You don't think of yourself as good-looking, and if you knew that half of Janet's nursing staff fight over who gets to treat you, and that some of them even check the SGC rosters to be sure that their shifts coincide with us returning from off-world, it'd be even harder to get you to the infirmary than it normally is. And Catherine told me about her first meeting with you, at the lecture you gave. She said that every woman in the room couldn't take her eyes off you. She was quite smitten herself apparently - the words, "If I were forty years younger" were mentioned.

And I'm not blind either. The first time I saw you at the Stargate in Abydos…well, I know that the gate seemed to get most of my attention. But I came back down to earth when I saw you. Even under that Abydonian outfit, which didn't give away much, it was clear that you weren't your stereotypical archaeologist. And then talking to you, finding out that the book was as good as the cover….

You never knew how jealous I was when I saw you and Sha're then. The way you beckoned her over, telling her not to be shy….the tone of your voice made me break out in gooseflesh. And the way the two of you looked at each other….I remember wishing that someone would look at me like that.

Very professional thoughts for an Air Force Captain aren't they?

When Sha're was taken…seeing you so upset, how driven you were to find her, I made up my mind right then and there to banish any thoughts of you like that. And I succeeded.

Except for the time that we thought you were dead. The idea that you were gone forever brought it home to me just how much you'd come to mean to me. That you'd come to mean more to me than just a friend. I think I cried as much for what might have been as much as for what was. And then there was the guilt that I should have done something to save you. Which goes some way to explaining why I was so eager to volunteer to undergo hypnosis….I'm sure I would have been volunteered anyway, but it wasn't a hard decision to make. I would have done anything to get you back.

And the time that we found Cassandra. I was so scared for her, didn't want to leave her. And she didn't want to let me go. She trusted me. Loved me. It seemed like every time I turned around, you were there, offering me help, support, letting me know that I didn't have to go through this alone. You have no idea how much I just wanted to throw myself into your arms and sob my heart out. It would have been so easy….too easy. And when it was all over, we brought Cassandra to the park. We swung her between us, and she laughed as she leaped into the air. You told her she was getting too big to be doing that, but we both knew you didn't really care. It was enough to see her happy and healthy again. I often wonder what people would have thought if they'd seen you, me and Cassie like that, with Teal'c standing there like some silent bodyguard. Did they think that we looked like a family - Mom Dad and kid out for the day with a family friend? That’s what we could so easily have been.

I kept denying it to myself. This wasn't happening, not to me. Even when you interrupted me kissing Narim, I told myself that I felt guilty because necking on duty is not appropriate base behaviour. Not because it felt as if I was cheating on you and had been caught. The fact that it was you who caught Martouf and I holding hands in the desert wasn't lost on me either. Even through the maelstrom of emotions that Jolinar had left, I still felt guilty that it was you who had seen that. Again.

But by that time, I knew that I was in love with you. I'd realised that a while before, during the whole mess with Shyla. When we got back home, you were in withdrawal from the sarcophagus, and you were crazed. You weren't my Daniel anymore….he'd been replaced with someone who bore more than a passing resemblance to Jonas. You had that same restless energy, that same maniacal look in your eye that he used to get. And seeing that in you was one of the worst moments of my life. But it was when you spoke of Sha're, of your love for her, of your deep fear that you'd never find her, that even if you did she wouldn't be the same….you said the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. "You've never known what real love is, have you Sam?" It must have shown on my face because you apologised later. Told me that you were crazy, that you weren't yourself. But you were wrong Daniel. You were crazy, you weren't yourself. And you did hurt me. But I did know what real love is…I do know what real love is, because it's what I feel for you. And I didn't know it until that moment.

And I thought I could put it behind me, forget about it, live with you as a friend.

Until another moment today.

When I kissed you.

>*<*>*<

Her eyes were bright when I opened mine, almost as bright as the smile that spread across her face. I could feel her hand in mine, and my eyes closed again, partly in tiredness, partly in contentment as she brushed hair away from my face. Then, I felt a sensation I haven't felt in almost two years, the feel of a woman's lips brushing against my temple.

Somewhere I found the strength to grip her hand a little tighter before releasing it, knowing that she had to leave, that Janet had told her to get some machine. But I didn't care about a machine, didn't care about Janet. I just cared about Sam.

Even with my eyes closed, I could see her, in all her guises. Sam doesn't let very many people into her heart, and I know that I’m one of them. I've seen her work all night and go into a briefing the next morning, fuelled only by enthusiasm and coffee and blow everyone away with her work. I've seen her brow furrow in concentration as she worked, or in frustration when something wasn't going the way she wanted it to. I've sat and listened to her talk about the latest technological find without understanding a word, and I've watched her as she's returned the favour, letting me let off steam about my newest find.

I've seen the warrior side of her, the brave, fearless side. The soldier who walks into god-know-what kind of danger every day. The woman who fought a misogynist warlord in hand to hand combat on Simarka, and cleaned his clock. Who goes toe-to-toe with Jack O'Neill and isn't afraid to tell him he's wrong. Who fought her own demons, lived with her body being invaded by Jolinar, and was able to access the memories and use them to create an alliance that may yet be our salvation.

I've seen what a loyal friend she is. She's been there for me through some rough times. Like when I was addicted to the sarcophagus, although look how I repaid her for that. And I don't know how I would have handled seeing my parents deaths over and over again on the Gamekeeper's planet if she hadn't been there beside me.

I've seen her with Cassandra, and those are some of the memories of her that I treasure most. The way that she bonded with that little girl, the way she took care of her…one day, she's going to be an amazing mother. I half-expected her to keep Cassandra, and I think I'm the only one who knows just how hard it was for her when Cassandra went to live with Janet. She doesn't show her vulnerable side often, and I could see how hard it was for her to open up to me then.

There are a hundred different facets of her that I could identify, and I'd have barely scratched the surface. And the more I find out about her, the more I want to know.

>*<*>*<

I'm back! I'm back, I'm in my own body and I've still got my hair. Life is good. I must admit, I was worried for a little while there. Living out the rest of my days with a snake in my belly wasn't exactly in my top ten ways to spend retirement. I knew Carter'd figure out what made that thing tick…that's her speciality, making miracles and doing the impossible.

Come to think of it, she's not looking too good at the moment. For the only one of the team who didn't get switcharooed, she looks worse than any of us. She's staring at Daniel as if she's never seen him before.

And looky there. Daniel's staring at her the exact same way.

Well, well, well.

Didn't see that one coming.

Honest.

Riiiiiiight.

It's about damn time they woke up to themselves. I'm no PhD or anything like them, but I'm not blind either. I saw Carter's reaction when she saw him on Abydos. I even remember what I thought at the time, that she was going to screw up my team by falling for the archaeologist, making things awkward for all of us.

I will admit to have being wrong on that one.

But just because she didn't make a play for him doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

And Danny boy? There is nothing I want more than for him to find his wife. But I'm not so sure that that'll work out for him. And if it doesn't, Carter'd be good for him. God knows, he doesn't listen to me or Teal'c. She's the only one who gets through to him half the time. And he thinks that she hung the moon and stars, even if he won't admit it.

If they could just get their acts together….

I clear my throat loudly enough to get their attention and they jump, both turning to face me, identical expressions of guilt on their faces. "Are you two ok?"

They look at each other, then back to me again.

"Fine Sir."

"Fine Jack. Just thinking…."

I shrug my shoulders and leave, whistling as I make my way along the corridor. I'm me, Teal'c's Teal'c, and Sam and Daniel have woken up.

Life is good.