If I Knew Then....

by Jez

E-mail: blue_hawaii@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I know that must be a shock though, huh? :P The lyrics to the song "Anna-Lisa" belong to Prozzak. I changed the name to Elizabeth though.

Summary: Max reflects on his life. . .

Rating: PG

Authors Note: This is a future fic after Destiny.

Is it really over

Elizabeth

Seems that we've grown older

and time has beat us

God, I can still remember when I thought that nothing, past, present, or future, could tear me away from Liz. I thought that what we had was indestructible; that not even God's will could destroy what we felt for each other.

I watch as Liz packs her belongings into cardboard boxes she took from the market. I can't believe how wrong I was. Our love didn't defy space and time, like it was supposed to. It dwindled slowly over the years. Disappeared in front of my eyes.

Seems I've forgotten who to be

you took the better part of me

my heart, my soul, my sweetest memories

you're my identity

I can't help but wonder what lies ahead for me. I don't know how to be, how to live without her. My Liz. We have been together through everything. Ever since the shooting, we have been there for each other. Supporting each other.

I suppose that it's mostly my fault. I kept her away. I let her see into my soul, but I never once gave it to her to hold. To protect. And as the years past, her support came from years of practice instead of from love.

And still, I sat by and watched. I didn't fight to keep her. Because I never knew that I could lose her.

Boxes line our hallway

where laughter used to be

empty house surrounds me

and echoes our history

I miss her. I depend on her. I always have, but I never told her. And now she's sleeping in a cheap hotel with Kyle instead of with me.

I still can't believe that she called Kyle. But then again, he has always been there for her too. He fought to keep her. He fought to make her believe that he loved her. He fought.

And now I am alone in our home where every detail breathes her name. I remember everything that has ever occurred in this house, from the paint colors Liz was deciding between to the day that she told me that it was over.

I wrack my brain

to find a way

to bring us back to yesterday

my love, my life, my childhood fantasy

still everything to me

my Elizabeth

I want to find Liz and tell her everything that I held back from her. About how she has touched my soul in ways that I never thought were possible. About how her light is what drives me; what keeps me alive. But I can't. I don't know how anymore.

I wish that I could make these last few years disappear. I want to bring us back to high school, when she lived for me like I live for her. I want to watch her bite her lip and push her hair behind her ears. I want to fumble with words and work up the courage to kiss her.

I want to have my Liz back.

Looking out this window

almost seeing

you pull in the driveway

and kiss me so casually

if I knew then

what I know now

I would have changed your mind somehow

I watch her as she takes the last of her stuff to Kyle's car. He won't even come in to face me. But he doesn't have to. He knows that he won. I wish that I fought for her now. I wish that I didn't push her into a life that she didn't want.

I wish that I didn't push her to have the abortion. Because I know now that that's what started this. If I had let her have the baby, she would still be with me today. Because she would still love me.

But I pushed her. Because of my selfish needs. Not for our safety. No, I wouldn't let myself love her that much. I was ashamed. I was too ashamed to face the consequences. I couldn't face Michael and Isabel with the truth. I wanted to make it disappear; I wanted to make my son disappear. And I did. And Liz disappeared with him.

my hopes, my dreams, my future family

that's what you took from me

my Elizabeth

I want that now. I want a family with the woman I love. But it's too late now. I don't have the right to ask it from her. I crushed our love; destroyed it's invincibility.

I see Michael and Maria, delighted with the life they built together. With the daughter that they made together. I see Isabel shopping with Alex for maternity clothes. I know that I could have had what they had. But I gave it away.

It's funny to think that I was the one with a soul mate. I was the one with love that was stronger than steel. And I was the one that let it pass by me without a fight.

My Elizabeth