I think about him
all the time. I know I shouldn’t, but I
can’t help myself. I see his face in my
dreams and also for the second after I wake up. It is such a beautiful face that sometimes I try and reach out to
it. That maybe for once it really will
be him above me. But then the room
comes into focus and he is gone.
Sometimes I wish the dreams would stop, but sometimes I look forward to
them. I often wonder if he thinks about me.
I know he does, but I still think about it. Why do I do this? I left
to forget him even though I knew I would never really be able to forget. The dreams always keep me near him, as if
something out there wants us together.
I
know thinking that is foolish of me, but I can’t seem to forget that
either. Is there something wrong with
me? What keeps me connected so closely
that it’s all that is on my mind? I
seem to wonder a lot of things. Always
thinking about this of that, but all somehow connected to one. My dreams are different each night, but
always of the same subject. Different
yet the same. Sometimes they are
intense and overpowering. I can feel
him next to me, feel his breath upon my neck, and the heat from his body. They take me over, and I cannot forget. Other nights the dreams are different. We are skiing, rock climbing, running a
marathon, or sometimes just sitting and staring. Different yet the same.
I am returning home next week. Closer to the man in my dreams. With a stronger presence, will the dreams
also become stronger, or will they stop? But do I want them to stop? Do I want these visions of us to be
nonexistent? Without them, we will not
be together. Is that what I really
want? I have talked to Maria. She has told me about him. How he wants me. Needs me. She tells me
what I already know. When I come home,
how will I act around him? How will he
act around me? Knowing my dreams, we
will never be the same. I will always
long for him as in my dreams, but what about our life at home. In Roswell, New Mexico.