Note: Somehow, my favorite couple is Hermione and Draco, as twisted or romantic as it may sound. It probably might have been better if Harry had been the hero, but I really wanted to do this with Draco and Hermione. If you do not know the story
of The Princess Bride, the plot is basically this: Hermione and Draco’s child is sick and Hermione tells him a story. Harry
Potter characters appear in the story, too, but I played fast and loose with continuity because I shaped HP to fit The Princess Bride more than I shaped The Princess Bride to fit HP. I don't know how well this works if you've never seen the movie. We'll find out. The Princess Bride is filled with both drama and comedy, but mostly comedy in this story. I’m sorry if this story sounds
really twisted, and if I might insult most of the characters, but I just HAD to make this story my way. Lucius Malfoy and Lord Voldemort aren’t completely evil, just really bad and powerful. No one completely fears them. Lucius is head of Hogwarts because Dumbledore has retired. Lucius and Draco aren’t related, suspicious because both their last names are Malfoy. Never mind. Ron is like this super muscular guy, I guess he had to grow sooner or later, super growth spurt. Sorry if you think all of their intelligence is way stupid, this story is just for laughs.

The Princess Bride

by Sanna
 
 
 

[Drake Malfoy has been sent home from Hogwarts because he as well as all of his classmates are ill. Madame Pomfrey was
had too many patients, and sent some of them home to rest with their parents. He is lying in bed, playing a video game, when
Hermione enters his room.]

Hermione: Hey, Little Man.

Drake: Hi, Mommy.

Hermione: You feeling any better?

Drake: A little bit.

Hermione: Guess what?

Drake: What?

Hermione: I brought you a special present.

Drake: What is it?

Hermione: Well, open it up.

Drake: [opening the gift] A book?

Hermione: That's right, this is a special book. It was the book my Mommy used to read to me when I was sick and today, I'm
gonna read it to you.

Drake: Has it got any sports in it?

Hermione: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles….

Drake: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

Hermione: [laughing] Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. [begins to read] The Princess Bride by S. Morganstern, Chapter 1.

Hermione: [reading] Hermione studied in Hogwarts, a school of magic with her friends. Her favorite pastimes were reading in
the library and tormenting her enemy. His name was Draco. But she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Drake: [patronizing his mother] Yeah, it's really good.

Hermione: [reading] Nothing gave Hermione as much pleasure as annoying Draco.

Hermione: I got full marks today at Potions, looks like you’re not Professor Snape’s favorite student anymore.

Draco: Shut up, Hermione.

Hermione: [reading] 'Shut up, Hermione' was all he ever said to her.

Hermione: Malfoy, you do realize that your girlfriend, Pansy, is just there for you because your parents forced her to. She
doesn’t love you, as you say.

Draco: Shut up, Hermione.

Hermione: [reading] Draco eventually realized that Hermione was right, and his Pansy did not love him. He was
understandably upset, and he when school ended for the summer, he decided to go on vacation to sort through his feelings.
But Draco didn't reach his destination. The carraige he had ridden in was attacked by the Dread Pirate Malfoy, who never
left captives alive. When Hermione read in the Daily Prophet that Draco was murdered-

Drake: [interrupting] Murdered by pirates is good!

Hermione: [reading] She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.

Hermione: I can't believe he's gone. I thought he'd always be around. I'm sorry I fought with him, I'm so sorry!

Hermione: [reading] A few months later, back in school, Hogwarts was filled as never before to hear an announcement made
by Lucius Malfoy, the head of Hogwarts.

Lucius: [addressing the crowd] My friends and students! A month from now, Hogwarts will have its 500th Anniversary. On that
sundown, one of the best Quidditch players around, Victor Krum, will marry a young woman in a spectacular wedding to which
all wizards are invited. Would you like to meet her?

Crowd: Yes!!!

Lucius: My friends, Hermione Granger!

Hermione: [reading] Hermione's emptiness consumed her. She knew that Lucius and his business associate, Lord
Voldemort, would harm her muggle family if she refused to marry Victor Krum. But, she did not love him and knew that he was
marrying her only because he needed a wanted to be a European instead of a Bulgarian and because Lucius, did not approve
of her own taste in men. The only joy she found was in riding one of the Hippogriff’s in Lucius’ stables.

[New scene: Hermione riding a hippogriff. Percy, Harry and Ron enter.]

Percy: [stopping Hermione] Got a minute, Hermione? We are but lost men. Is Honeydukes nearby where we may stop and get
a snack?

Hermione: I'm sorry, it’s quite far from here. There's nothing nearby. Not for miles.

Percy: Good. Then there will be no one to hear you scream.

[Ron grabs Hermione by her neck, knocking her unconscious, and drags her to the pier, where the there was a portkey waiting
to take them to Percy’s hideaway.]

Harry: What's that you're ripping?

Percy: It's fabric from the cape of a dementor from Azkaban.

Ron: [clueless] Azkaban?

Percy: The jail far away from here where no one has a drop of happiness left in them!

[Percy attaches the cloth to Hermione's hippogriff]

Percy: [to hippogriff] Go!!! [to Ron] Once the hippogriff reaches the castle, the fabric will make Lucius suspect that the
dementors have abducted Hermione. When he finds her body dead near Azkaban, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
He'll go after the dementors, there not being any happiness in him anyways, and then they'll pay for trying to take away my
Penelope! All she did was cheat taking a apparation test… [he began to mumble to himself]

Ron: You never said anything about killing anyone!

Percy: [angrily] I hired you to help me get even with the dementors!

Ron: I just don't think it's right- killing an innocent girl.

Percy: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were NOT hired for your brains! I am the one with the
brains! I was the prefect!

Harry: [interrupting] I agree with Ron.

Percy: Oh, the orphan boy speaks! What happens to her is none of your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this! [to Harry] Scarred for life by one of the most powerful wizards in the world, you became depressed and withdrawn after Hogwarts, on a downward spiral! If it wasn’t for me you’d already be dead! [to Ron] And you! When I helped you after Hogwarts, you were still the black sheep of our family, on a road to nowhere! Be grateful I’m letting you tag along with me!

[Percy sets up the portkey.]

Percy: Now we wait for the given time of the portkey to take us to Azkaban.

Harry: That Percy, he can...fuss.

Ron: Fuss, fuss, I think he likes to scream at us.

Harry: Probably he means no...harm.

Ron: He's really very short on...charm.

Harry: You have a great gift for rhyme.

Ron: Yes, yes, some of the time.

Percy: [overhearing Ron] Enough of that!

Harry: Ron, is there anyone nearby or ahead?

Ron: If there are, we'll all be dead.

Percy: No more rhymes now, I mean it!

Ron: Anybody want a peanut?

Percy: Argh!!!

[As the minutes tick by, Percy grows more and more anxious.]

Percy: We'll reach Azkaban in an hour. [to Harry, who is looking over his shoulder] Why are you doing that?

Harry: I'm making sure nobody is following us.

Percy: That would be inconceivable.

Hermione: [waking up] You're an amateur, Percy. You will get caught; and when you are, Lucius and the Ministry of Magic will
make you pay!

Percy: [leering] Hermione, you are beautiful, but your confidence in the Ministry has been sadly misplaced. They lost a great
deal when they fired me. [glancing at Harry] Stop doing that! We can relax! It's almost over.

Harry: Are you sure nobody followed us?

Percy: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Azkaban knows what we're
doing, and no one in Hogwarts could have gotten here so fast. But, um, out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Harry: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

Percy: What?! [sees a unicorn making its way in their direction, still very far away] Probably just some unicorn strolling around
near the Forbidden Forest. It’s probably not even heading this way.

[Hermione worms her way out of Ron’s grip and runs towards the forest.]

Percy: What?! Go in!! Go after her!!!

Harry: [remembers scary things about the forest] I don't like it in there.

Ron: I’m too slow to run after her! And I don’t like the spiders in there.

Percy: Argh! [to Harry] Come, follow me [shrieking is heard] Do you know what that sound is, Hermione? Those are the
shrieking spiders! In the Forbidden Forest, they’re very dangerous. If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder
when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you come back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such
an offer from Argog.

Hermione: [stops reading] She doesn't get eaten by the spiders at this time.

Drake: What?

Hermione: The spiders doesn't get her. I'm just explaining because you looked nervous.

Drake: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.

Hermione: We can stop now if you want.

Drake: No, you could read a little bit more if you want.

[Hermione begins to read again. Ron reaches out at the very tip of the forest, hits the spiders with a very thick board, and pulls
Hermione back out.]

Percy: Put her down! Just put her down!

Harry: [looking back at the unicorn] I think its's getting closer!

Percy: The unicorn is no concern of ours! Back to the portkey! [to Hermione] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Hermione: Only compared to some.

Harry: Look! There it is, even closer! And there’s someone riding it!

Percy: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! It is a minute more till the portkey allows us to the cliff next to Azkaban! We're safe,
only Ron is strong enough to go up our way. Wait another day until he is able to follow us!

[Ron, all three holding on to him, touches the portkey. All three are immeadiately transported to the bottom of a cliff. Right away, he climbs a rope up the side.]

Harry: [in amazement] He just came here as well, he’s fast! He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.

Percy: Inconceivable! Faster!

Ron: I thought I was going faster.

Percy: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing, and he's gaining on us!

Ron: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.

Percy: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to put the body lock curse on you.

Ron: Don't do that, Percy, please?

Percy: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

[They reach the top and watch the man following them as he tries to climb the rope, which Percy cuts through.]

Ron: He's got very good arms.

Percy: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!

Harry: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

Percy: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with Hermione and must therefore die. [to Ron] You carry her. [to Harry] We'll
head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, your wand.

Harry: I'm going to do him left-handed.

Percy: You know what a hurry we're in!

Harry: But it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.

Percy: Oh, have it your way.

Ron: [to Harry] Be careful, Man.

Harry: Don’t worry. When I was on the street, I met a lot of people in masks, and they can't be trusted.

Percy: [annoyed] I'm waiting!

[Harry calls down to the masked man as Ron and Percy leave with Hermione.]

Harry: Hey, how's it going?

Masked Man: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so could you please stop distracting me?

Harry: [apologetic] Sorry.

Masked Man: Thanks.

Harry: [after a minute] Could you hurry up?

Masked Man: If you're in such a hurry you could throw me a rope or find something useful to do.

Harry: I could do that, but I didn't think you would accept my help, since I'm just waiting around to kill you.

Masked Man: That does put a damper on our relationship.

Harry: [sincere] I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

Masked Man: No, thanks. You'll just have to wait.

Harry: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Gryffindor?

Masked Man: Not a chance. I've known too many Gryffindors. I hate them, they hate me.

Harry: [trying again] I swear on the soul of my Father, James Potter, you will reach the top alive.

Masked Man: [realizing who he is dealing with] Throw me the rope.

[Harry throws the rope to the Masked Man, and helps him to the top where there is a clearing.]

Masked Man: [exhausted] Thanks. [He draws his wand.]

Harry: We can wait until you're ready.

Masked Man: Thanks.

Harry: I don't want to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to slither your ‘s’’s when you talk, do you?

Masked Man: [after demonstrating that he says 's' like a normal person] Do you always begin conversations this way?

Harry: My father was murdered by a man who slithered his ‘s’’s. He was a great wizard, my father. When the s-slithering man
appeared and tried to take over the wizarding world, my father fought him. They played cat-and-mouse games for years. The
s-slithering man developed an odd kind of respect for my father. But then, my father’s ‘friend’ Pettigrew betrayed him and told
the man where we lived. The s-slithering man cheated in their game and killed my father and mother, I barely escaping with
my life. [He points to his scar.] This is my souveneir from that. When I found my father's old things including his wand I
dedicated my life to the study of magic; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the s-slithering man and say
'Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'

Masked Man: You've done nothing but fight with your wand?

Harry: More of pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him; it's been years now and I'm starting to lose
confidence. I just work for Percy to pay to bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

Masked Man: Well, I hope you find him someday.

Harry: You're ready to start?

Masked Man: [shrugging] You've been more than fair.

Harry: [drawing his wand] You seem like a nice guy. I hate to kill you.

Masked Man: You seem like a nice guy. I hate to die.

Harry: Begin.

[The spells fly out of their wands, neither getting the upper-hand due to their equal in skill.]

Harry: You're using Levitator’s Defense against me?

Masked Man: I thought it was a good idea, considering the rocks.

Harry: Then you've gotta expect me to attack with the Overhead curse.

Masked Man: Yeah, but I find that the Blake Parry spell cancels out Overhead curse. Don't you?

Harry: Unless the enemy knows about the Hogwarts Hold. Which I do.

[Fight continues.]

Harry: I admit it, you're better than I am.

Masked Man: [curious] Then why are you smiling?

Harry: Because I know something you don't know.

Masked Man: What?

Harry: [switching hands] I am not left-handed!

[Harry starts to overwhelm the Masked Man]

Masked Man: You're amazing!

Harry: I should be, after all this time.

Masked Man: [struggling] There's something I need to tell you.

Harry: What?

Masked Man: I'm not left-handed either.

Harry: [curious] Who are you?

Masked Man: No one of consequence.

Harry: I have to know.

Masked Man: Get used to disappointment.

[The Masked Man knocks the wand out of Harry’s hand, and circles in behind him]

Harry: [on his knees] Kill me quickly.

Masked Man: I would never kill a fellow Hogwartian, despite us being enemies there. But I can't have you following me either.

[The Masked Man knocks Harry out and runs off after Percy, Ron and Hermione.]

Percy: [seeing the Masked Man] Inconceivable! Give her to me! [taking Hermione] Catch up with us quickly!

Ron: I want to stay with Hermione. I love her.

Percy: Why? Didn’t she break your heart when you were both in Hogwarts?

Ron: Good point. What should I do?

Percy: Finish him! Finish him. *Your* way.

Ron: Oh good. My way. Thank you Percy. Uh, which way's my way?

Percy: [annoyed] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the Masked Man will come running
around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock!

Ron: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like.

[Percy leaves, and Ron throws a rock at the Masked Man. It just misses him.]

Ron: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.

Masked Man: I believe you. What now?

Ron: We face each other as God intended; sportsman-like.

Masked Man: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my wand and we'll try and kill each other like civilized
people?

Ron: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now.

[The Masked Man manages to jump onto Ron’s back, and tries to choke him. Ron pushes his back against a boulder, almost
knocking the wind out of the Masked Man. Eventually, Ron falls to the ground unconscious and the Masked Man runs after
Percy.]

Masked Man: Looks like that stupid dueling club lesson paid off.

[Later, Lucius, his friend Lord Voldemort, and some of their guards including Peter Pettigrew and Victor find the clearing where
Harry and the Masked Man fought.]

Lucius: [looking at the tracks] There was a great battle. They were both masters.

Voldemort: So? Who won?

Lucius: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward Azkaban.

Voldemort: Shall we track them both?

Lucius: The loser is nothing. You know only Hermione matters. Clearly this was all planned by those dark dementors in
Azkaban! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

Voldemort: Could this be a trap?

Lucius: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still alive.

[Voldemort and Lucius take off; meanwhile, the Masked Man finds Percy, who holds a wand to Hermione’s throat.]

Percy: If you want me to perform one of the unforgivable curses on her, keep coming at me.

Masked Man: Just let me explain.

Percy: There's nothing to explain. Hermione loves ME, because we understand each other, and we’re alike, both prefects and
Heads in our time. And we're going to live happily ever after.

Masked Man: Are you sure?

Percy: Yes, I'm sure. I'm a great schemer. You're no match for my brains.

Masked Man: You're that smart?

Percy: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of the four greatest wizards, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin?

Masked Man: Yes.

Percy: Morons!

Masked Man: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Percy: For Hermione? To the death? I accept!

Masked Man: Good, then let me pour this wine. [Percy watches carefully as the Masked Man waves his wand and pours wine
into the two goblets.] Inhale this but do not touch.

Percy: [taking a vial from the Masked Man] I don't smell anything.

Masked Man: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the
more deadly poisons known to muggle or wizard.

Percy: [snorts] Hmmm.

Masked Man: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets] All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits
has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead.

Percy: But it's so simple. All I have to do is derive it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Masked Man: You've decided?

Percy: Not a chance! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals.
And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in
front of you.

Masked Man: [rolling eyes] Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Percy: [sarcasm lost on him] Wait 'till I get going!! Where was I?

Masked Man: Australia.

Percy: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the
wine in front of me.

Masked Man: You're stalling.

Percy: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you!

Masked Man: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. [snickers] It won't work.

Percy: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!

Masked Man: Then make your choice.

Percy: I will, and I choose- [pointing behind the Masked Man] What's that?

Masked Man: [turning around, while Percy switches goblets] What? Where? I don't see anything.

Percy: [snickering] Oh, sorry, I could have sworn I saw something. Look, lets drink, me from my glass and you from yours.

[They drink.]

Masked Man: You guessed wrong.

Percy: [laughing] You only think I guessed wrong! I switched glasses when your back was turned! I got you, and I'm going to
get those dementors and members of the Ministry of Magic, too!

[Percy suddenly falls down, dead. The Masked Man removes Hermione’s gag and blindfold.]

Hermione: [rudely] Who are you?

Masked Man: I'm no one to be trifled with.

Hermione: [fairly impressed] So all that time it was your cup that was poisoned?

Masked Man: They were both poisoned. Over the years, I built up an immunity to iocane powder.

[He grabs Hermione and they begin to run.]

Masked Man: [stops] Catch your breath.

Hermione: Look, just release me. You'll get the ransom money, I promise. I just want to go home to my family.

Masked Man: [laughing] And what is that worth? *Your* promise? Funny, Hermione.

Hermione: [annoyed] I was giving you a chance. It doesn't matter WHERE you take me. Lucius Malfoy has killed or disgraced
every muggle or wizard who has ever come to Hogwarts. He can find you.

Masked Man: You don't think your beloved Bulgarian seeker, Krum, will save you?

Hermione: I never said I loved him. And he works for Lucius, who WILL save me.

Masked Man: So you *admit* that you don't love your fiancé?

Hermione: He doesn't love me. He knows I don't love him.

Masked Man: [angered] Are not capable of love is what you mean!

Hermione: [angered] I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!

Masked Man: [raising his hand at Hermione] This is a warning, Hermione! The next time I won't stop myself; where I come
from there are penalties when someone lies.

Hermione: [cocky] I know where you come from. I *know* who you are. You're the Dread Pirate Malfoy! Just admit it!

Masked Man: Okay. I'm the Dread Pirate Malfoy. What can I do for you?

Hermione: You can die slowly and painfully!

Masked Man: [still calm] That's not very nice, Hermione. What have you got against me?

Hermione: [upset] You killed the best friend I ever had.

Masked Man: So? I kill a lot of people. Who was this friend of yours? Another Quidditch player? Your ticket into the good circles of wizard society? Too good to be true, loved by all, always said the right thing?

Hermione: No, a fellow Hogwartian, although Slytherin . . . and kind of a jerk! [Masked Man almost winces] Had an obnoxious
sense of humor. Was willing to ruin the life of anyone not of his house. Blackmailed and schemed and lied. But he was the
only person in the world who understood me! The only one who could push my buttons so well. The only person I could be
myself with! And you killed him!

Masked Man: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all the time.

Hermione: You're making fun of me!

Masked Man: That's my right! *I'm* the one holding *you* hostage. [pauses] I remember this friend of yours. Does it bother you to hear?

Hermione: [lying fairly well] Nothing you can say will upset me.

Masked Man: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts.

Hermione: [interrupting] Huh?

Masked Man: [continuing] He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the 'please' that got my attention. I asked what
was so important for him, and he told me about his so called friend he was always arguing with. The girl he seemed to love
and hate at the same time. The only girl who could push his buttons so well. You should be glad I killed him so he didn't have
to find out what you really are!

Hermione: And what am I?

Masked Man: Cleverness, he talked about your intelligence, Hermione, and the love and fire within you! Now, I find that you're
willing to marry this seeker and have him around your family even though you know he's a killer?

Hermione: [mad] I don't want to marry him! I have to, to protect my family! I've already lost Draco, I can't lose anyone else!

[The Masked Man and Hermione see Lucius approaching.]

Hermione: [pushes him over the edge of the hill] But I don't think anyone will miss YOU!

Masked Man: [as he falls] Shut up, Hermione!

Hermione: [alarmed] Oh, my God, Draco, what have I done?

[Hermione throws herself down the hill after Draco. They stop rolling at the bottom, and Draco goes over to Hermione.]

Draco: Are you okay?

Hermione: Okay? You're here! I've never been this happy!

Draco: [holding Hermione] You honestly didn't recognize me just because I was wearing a mask?

Hermione: I thought you were dead. I thought I might have been hearing your voice and seeing your eyes because I wanted to.
I have trouble believing it when people come back from the dead, especially because of the whole ghost thing around the
school. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being a ghost, knowing I made your life miserable.

Draco: I understand. But I'm the one who'll always be here for you, Hermione.

Hermione: I'll never doubt you again.

Draco: You'll never have to.

[Hermione and Draco almost kiss.]

Drake: [interrupting the story] Oh, no! No. Please!

Hermione: What is it? What's the matter?

Drake: [disgusted] They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?

Hermione: Someday you might not mind so much. I'll skip ahead.

Hermione: [reading] Draco and Hermione raced along the ravine floor, Draco swearing because he forgot his Nimbus Two
Thousand and One.

Draco: [seeing Lucius and his helpers, including Voldemort, Pettigrew and Krum] Ha! Your Bulgarian seeker is too late!
[begins running again] A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.

Hermione: [surprised] There's a fire swamp near Azkaban?

Draco [nonchalant] Sure! There's a fire swamp but no real hotel, a gas chamber but no jail, that kind of thing.

[They run into the fire swamp, which is dark and eerie.]

Draco: It's not that bad. [Hermione gives him a Look.] Well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are kind of pretty.

[A popping noise is heard, and Hermione’s dress catches on fire. Draco put it out.]

Draco: Are you okay?

Hermione: Uh-huh. Are you? [Draco nods.]

Draco: Don't worry. We'll be out of here soon. Malfoy’s ship Revenge is docked at the other end of the swamp. And as you said, I'm Malfoy.

Hermione: Ha ha. Draco, be serious. The Ministry of Magic has been trying to take the Dread Pirate Malfoy down since before
either of us were born.

Draco: Well, you know that I was captured by Malfoy. He decided not to kill me; he really was surprised when I told him about
you. It turned out that he was so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Malfoy,' he said 'my name is Peter. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Malfoy, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Malfoy either - his name was Jack. The real Malfoy had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Alamania.' Then he explained the name was the important for inspiring the
necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Draco. [Hermione briefly looks as if she might argue that
point.] So we sailed ashore, took on a new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, calling me Malfoy. Once the
crew believed him, you know how gullible people can be, he left the ship and I have been Malfoy ever since. But now that I've
gotten back to you, I'll hand the name over to someone else.

[Hermione, devoting her attention to Draco, steps into a pit of sand and vanishes. Draco dives in after her and pulls her out.]

Draco: You know, I'm getting sick of saving you.

Hermione: I'm sorry. Look, we'll never get through this fire swamp. We may as well die here.

Draco: No, no. I was kidding, Hermione, I'm sorry. We'll be fine. Look, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the
flame spurt , but we know there's a popping sound before they flare up, so we can avoid them. Two, the lightning sand which
we've also already discovered.

Hermione: But what about the ROUSs?

Draco: Rodents Of Unusual Size? You actually believe in them? [snickers]

[Just as Draco finishes, he is jumped by a rat-like creature roughly the size of a Great Dane. It bites him on the shoulder.
Hermione, having lost her wand before being captured by Percy, grabs a tree branch and pokes it on the eye, giving Draco a
chance to roll the ROUS onto a flame spurt. It dies. Hermione and Draco continue through the swamp without incident and
emerge on the other side.]

Hermione: We did it!

Draco: Of course we did!

[Their joy is short-lived; Lucius and his cohorts find them.]

Lucius: Draco. You used to be such a reasonable young man. Return Hermione to me.

Draco: No! I'd rather die--

Hermione: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him?

Lucius: What?

Draco: What?!?!

Hermione: If I go back with Lucius, will you promise not to punish Draco?

Lucius: May I live a thousand years and never blackmail again!

Hermione: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise me you'll return him to his ship.

Lucius: I promise, Hermione. [whispers to Voldemort] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Hogwarts and throw him in the Chamber of Secrets.

Voldemort: It is as good as done.

Hermione: [to Draco] I thought you were dead once. I can't go through that again, wondering if I could have done something to
save you--

[Lucius grabs her and drags her away.]

Voldemort: [to Draco] I'll take you to your ssship.

Draco: Lies don't suit you very well.

Voldemort: [laughs, then notices Draco is staring] What?

Draco: You slither your s’s. Someone was looking for you.

[Voldemort knocks Draco out, and Draco awakens back in Hogwarts, deep in Voldemort's Chamber of Secrets, which is
presided over by none other than Tom Riddle.]

Draco: Where am I?

Tom Riddle: The Chamber of Secrets. Don't bother trying to escape, or dream of being rescued. Only Lucius, Voldemort, and I
know how to get here.

Draco: Who are you anyways?

Tom: I am Voldemort’s younger self.

Draco: Oh. What, I'm here until I die?

Tom: Well, until they kill you, yeah.

Draco: Then why bother curing me?

Tom: Well, Voldemort and Lucius like a nice, healthy victim to torture. They're quite cruel.

[Scene shifts to Hermione, Lucius, and Voldemort preparing for Hermione's marriage to Victor Krum.]

Lucius: She's been moping ever since we left the fire swamp. She's just sad that Krum is out of town on a Quidditch match.

Voldemort: But of coursssse.

Hermione: [reading] So, Krum was called home that very night, and the next morning he and Hermione were married. She
arrived in Hogwarts to make a speech to the assembled guests--

Drake: [interrupting] Hold it! Hold it! Mom, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Krum, she marries Draco. I'm just sure of it. After all that they went through, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

Hermione: Well who says life is fair? Life isn't always fair.

Drake: [mad] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!

Hermione: [threatening] Do you want me to finish reading this?

Drake: [contrite] Yes.

Hermione: Then no more interruptions.

[The story resumes]

Krum: This is my new wife, Hermione Granger Krum.

[Hermione comes out to speak, but a woman stands up to boo her.]

Woman: Boo! Boo! Boo!

Hermione: What are you doing?

Woman: Because you had love! You had all you ever wanted and you gave it up!

Hermione: I know Lucius and Voldemort. They would have killed Draco.

Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! Boo! Boo! Boo!

[Hermione wakes up, breathing heavily]

Hermione: [reading] It was ten days until the wedding. Krum was still out of town, but Hermione's nightmares were becoming
steadily worse.

Drake: [interrupting] See? I knew she'd never marry Krum!

Hermione: Yes, you're very smart. Now shush. [Story resumes]

Hermione: I'm sorry, but this is what it comes down to: I love Draco, I always have - I know now I always will. If I have to marry Victor, I'll be dead by morning.

Lucius: No kidding. Voldemort, you did take care of Draco?

Voldemort: Yes.

Lucius: Good. No one will come for her, then.

[Hermione is locked away to await the wedding. Later, Voldemort arrives at the Chamber of Secrets. He slowly begins to
torture Draco.]

Hermione: [reading] The day of the wedding arrived. Lucius ordered all of the wizarding world to be accounted for, officially to
ensure that no one would be able to harm Hermione on her wedding day.

[Harry, who is drunk, is giving one of Lucius’ guards a hard time.]

Harry: [drunkenly] I am waiting for you Percy! We were supposed to come back to where we got the job if something went
wrong with the kidnapping, so I'm waiting!

Guard: Come on, get out of here.

Harry: I won't!

[Harry fights off the guard.]

Harry: I'm waiting for Percy. [ A hand grabs Harry from behind.]

Ron: That can't be fun.

[Harry realizes Ron has grabbed him.]

Harry: It's you!

Ron: True!

[Ron punches out the guard who has been bothering Harry.]

Hermione: [reading] Ron and Harry were happy to be reunited, and Ron told Harry that Percy was dead, and that Lord
Voldemort, the s-slithering man, was working with Lucius.

Harry: Where's Voldemort now?

Ron: With Lucius. But Hogwarts has protection guarding against hundreds of wizards.

Harry: How many could you handle?

 Ron: Forty?

Harry: Leaving sixty for me? That's too many. I need someone to plan, like Percy used to do.

Ron: Percy is dead.

Harry: No. Not Percy. I need the Masked Man.

Ron: What?

Harry: Let's go!

Ron: You don't know where he is.

Harry: Who cares? My father will finally be avenged!

[Meanwhile, Lucius and Voldemort decide that torture is taking too long and just attempt to kill Draco, who screams. Harry and Ron hear his cries.]

Harry: Ron! Ron! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Voldemort
murdered my parents. The Masked Man makes it now.

Ron: The Masked Man?

Harry: His true love is marrying another tonight. Who else could it be?

[They follow the sound, and find Riddle. Ron knocks Riddle out, and they find the hidden entrance to the Chamber of Secrets
which Ron pried open.]

Ron: [taking Draco’s pulse] He's dead.

Harry: No!

Drake: [interrupting] Mom!. What did Ron mean, 'He's Dead?' Draco is only faking, right?

Hermione: Do you want me to read this, Drake?

Drake: Who gets Krum?

Hermione: What?

Drake: Who kills Krum? At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Harry? Who?!

Hermione: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

Drake: You mean he wins? Mom, why are you reading me this story?

Hermione: I'm sorry, Drake. You're sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.

Drake: No. I'm okay. Keep reading, please.

Hermione: Okay. [Resumes reading.]

Harry: If there's one thing that Potter’s understand, it's that death is a temporary inconvenience. Grab his body.

Ron: His body?

Harry: Do you have any money?

Ron: A little.

Harry: I hope it's enough to buy a miracle.

[Harry and Ron bring Draco’s body to an out-of-the-way house deep in the Forbidden Forest. Harry knocks.]

Voice: [from inside] Go away!

[Harry keeps knocking, until Sirus Black answers the door.]

Sirus: What?

Harry: Are you the Sirus Black who tried to kill Peter Pettigrew for being the reason Voldemort was able to kill my parents many years ago?

Sirus: Yes, and I wound up in Azkaban for my trouble! Thank you for bringing it up.

Harry: But we need a miracle. You're our only hope.

Sirus: Look, I'm retired. Besides, Pettigrew escaped from me a long while back, why would you want someone who can’t even
defeat Wormtail? I might kill whoever you're trying to save!

Harry: He's already dead.

Sirus: [intrigued] He is? Bring him in. [examines Draco] What can you offer me in return? Money?

Harry: Sixty-five knuts.

Sirus: I would never work for so little. Don't you understand that I used to have one of the largest accounts in Gringgots?

Harry: I thought you used to help people scheme for nothing all the time.

Sirus: Well, yes, for certain . . . noble causes.

Harry: This is noble! His wife is crippled. Their children are on the brink of starvation.

Sirus: [rolling eyes] Cry me a river.

Harry: [desperate] I need him to help avenge my father!

Sirus: Your first story was better. He probably just owes you money. I suppose I'll have to ask him.

Harry: But he's dead.

Sirus: [exasperated] They always think they know everything. It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead.
There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [He pours some of Professor Flitwick’s
special herbs in] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you
can do.

Harry: What's that?

Sirus: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [to Draco] Draco! Snap out of it! Why do you want to live?

Draco: [low voice] True love.

Harry: True love! What more do you want?

Sirus: Oh, there's nothing better than true love. But I know Draco, and I know how he operates. He doesn't care about love. He cares about money. He said--

Dumbledore: [entering and interrupting] Sirus! Don't lie to the poor boy!

Sirus: Albus! Get out of here.

Dumbledore: [ignoring her] True love, who said true love, Sirus?

Sirus: Don't say another word, Albus!

Dumbledore: You're afraid. [to Harry] Ever Pettigrew got away, his confidence hasn’t been the same.

Sirus: [yelling] Why'd you say his name?! You promised me that you would never say his name!

Dumbledore: What, PETER PETTIGREW?

Sirus: Ahh!!

Dumbledore: WORMTAIL!

Sirus: Ahh!!

[Dumbledore chases a cringing Sirus around the room.]

Dumbledore: Pettigrew!

Sirus: Ahh!!

Dumbledore: Pettigrew!

Sirus: Ahh!!

Dumbledore: Pettigrew, Pettigrew, Pettigrew, Pettigrew, Pettigrew!

Sirus: I'm not listening!

Harry: [interrupting] This is Hermione’s true love. If you heal him, he'll stop the wedding to Krum, and you know Pettigrew is
helping Lucius force that wedding.

Sirus: Wait, wait. I make him better, I get a chance to make Pettigrew suffer?

Harry: Yes!

Sirus: Now, that, my friend, is a noble cause! Albus, fetch me the rest of Professor Flitwick’s herbs!

[They give Draco the drugs, and send him off, semiconscious, with Ron and Harry.]

Sirus: Have fun storming the castle!

Dumbledore: [to Sirus] Think it will work?

Sirus: It would take a miracle.

Sirus and Dumbledore: [waving] Bye!

[Later, Harry, Ron, and Draco look at Hogwarts from their hiding place. It is surrounded by guards. Draco suddenly regains full
consciousness.]

Draco: [disoriented] Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Hermione?

Harry: Let me explain-- no, there's too much. Let me sum up: Hermione is marrying Krum in half an hour. So all we have to do
is get in, break up the wedding, steal Hermione, and make our escape - after I kill Lord Voldemort.

Draco: What are our liabilities?

Harry: There's only one way in, and it's guarded by hundreds of men.

Draco: And our assets?

Harry: [gesturing to himself, Draco, and Ron] You're looking at them.

Draco: That's it? This is ridiculous! If we at least had a wheelbarrow . . .

Harry: Ron, do we still have Riddle’s wheelbarrow?

[Ron nods.]

Draco: Is there any way we can get a holocaust cloak?

Ron: [pulls a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this do?

Harry: Where did you get that?

Ron: Sirus gave it to me.

Draco: Sirus? All right, help me up. [They do.]

Harry: Now. How do I find Voldemort? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?

Ron: Don't pester him, Man, he's had a hard day.

Harry: Right, you're right. Sorry.

Ron: Harry?

Harry: What?

Ron: I hope we win.

[Inside, Hermione and Victor are standing unhappily before the altar. The people in the chapel can hear the head of Lucius’
guards, Pettigrew, telling his men to stand their ground. Outside, Ron is dressed in the cloak, standing on the wheelbarrow,
which is being pushed by Harry.]

Ron: I am the Dread Pirate Malfoy! There will be no survivors!

Harry: Now?

Draco: Not yet.

Ron: My men are here! I am here! But soon, you will not be here!

Harry: Now?

Draco: Light him! [Harry waves his wand and sets Ron’s robe on fire.]

Ron: The Dread Pirate Malfoy takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!

[The guards, except for one, run.]

Draco: [to guard] Give us the key.

Guard: I have no key.

Harry: Ron, tear his arms off.

Guard: Oh, you mean this gate key. [Gives it to Harry]

[Ron, Harry, and Draco enter the mansion. Hermione has been dragged off to the honeymoon suite to await Krum, as Lucius
demanded that they "skip ahead to the man and wife part of the ceremony." Ron, Harry, and Draco are confronted by
Voldemort.]

Harry: Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[Just as Harry and Voldemort prepare to duel, Voldemort turns around and runs away. Harry chases him. When Voldemort
reaches a dead end, he turns, pulls his wand from his boot, and curses Harry, who crumbles, clutching his stomach.]

Harry: [on his knees] I'm sorry, Dad. I tried.

Lord Voldemort: You must be James Potter’s little brat. The one I tried to kill all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've
been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.

[In the honeymoon suite, Hermione prepares to kill herself with a dagger. Draco lies unseen on her bed.]

Draco: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours.

Hermione: Draco? Draco! [She runs to him and spontaneously kisses him. He isn't strong enough to react.] Draco . . . what's
wrong? Besides the obvious.

[Scene shifts to Harry and Voldemort as Harry mumbles the counter-curse.]

Voldemort: You still think you can win? [Fighting.]

Harry: Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Fighting.] Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Fighting, Harry’s voice begins to get louder and stronger.] Hello, my name is Harry Potter! You killed my father! Prepare to die!

Voldemort: Stop saying that!

Harry: [furious] Hello, my name is Harry Potter! You killed my father! Prepare to die! [Harry corners Voldemort] Offer me money!

Voldemort: All that I have and more. Please.

Harry: Power, too, promise me that! [Voldemort nods] Offer me everything I ask for.

Voldemort: Anything you want!

Harry: [performing the most lethal of the unforgivable curses on Voldemort] I want my father back, you son of a bitch!
[Voldemort dies. Harry runs after Draco.]

[And in the honeymoon suite]

Hermione: Oh, Draco, will you ever be able to forgive me?

Draco: What have you done this time?

Hermione: I got married. I, I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

Draco: It never happened.

Hermione: What?

Draco: It never happened.

Hermione: Draco, I was there. It happened, all right.

Draco: Did you say I do?

Hermione: No. We skipped that part.

Draco: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. And I'll bet the Bulgarian seeker agrees!

Krum: [who has entered] That can be corrected, but first, I'll take care of you! I'll fight you to the death!

Draco: No! To the pain!

Krum: What?

Draco: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. [Krum snorts] To the pain means the first thing
you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose. The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!

Krum: And then my ears. I get the point. Let's go.

Draco: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and here's why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to
cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your
perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

Krum: You're bluffing.

Draco: It's possible, Bulgarian seeker. I might be bluffing. Maybe I'm only lying here because I'm too weak to stand. Then
again, perhaps I have the strength after all. [Slowly, Draco stands. Krum is petrified.] Have a seat. [to Hermione] Tie him up.

[Harry enters]

Harry: Where's Ron?

Draco: I thought he was with you. In that case-- [Draco starts to move and stumbles weakly; Hermione grabs and supports
him.]

Krum: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [Harry points his wand at him] I knew he was...bluffing.

Harry: Shall I get rid of him for you?

Draco: No, thanks. Let him live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

Ron: [from outside the window] Harry! Harry! Where are you? [Harry runs to the window] There you are. Harry, I was in Lucius’ stable, and there they were: four multi-colored hippogriffs. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find Hermione.
[Hermione and Draco run to the window.] Hi, Hermione.

Harry: Ron, you did something right.

Ron: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Harry: [to Draco and Hermione] You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I
don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Hermione: You helped save us all! You are our friend! You have to stay in with us!

Harry: I love you all, but even though your life is here, mine isn't.

Draco: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Malfoy.

[They jump out the window and join Ron on the horses.]

Hermione: [reading] They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Draco and Hermione knew they were safe. A wave of love swept
over them. And as they reached for each other . . . [trails off]

Drake: What?! What?!

Hermione: [warning] It's kissing again.

Drake: [shyly] I don't mind so much.

Hermione: Okay. [continues] Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate,
the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end. [closes book] Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.

Drake: Okay. Um . . . Mom? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow?

Hermione: As you wish.

She closed the lights and left Drake to sleep. After she closed the door, she jumped at the touch of her husband’s hands on her waist. She turned around and saw him and couldn’t help but smile.

Draco: I love you.

Hermione: I love you too.

And they kiss and that is…
 

The End
 
 
 

Ok, I apologize again for any disturbance this may have caused you. I, like many of you, prefer a fanfic story
that has more realisism in it. But this wasn't the case for me this time. I just really really liked the movie The
Princess Bride and since I just finished all four Harry Potter books, I just HAD to do this. Be glad I didn't do a
crossover of Harry Potter and my old favorite TV show Swans Crossing. That would have absolutely made so
sense at all! Well I figure the next story I will make will be still of my favorite couple, Herm and Drac, but
next time, it will be more realistic! Promise!