Summary: Draco talks about his "true" feelings toward his father and his beliefs. What if Draco made a really drastic decision and Hermione was the only who could help him? Would she put her hatred aside and try to save her worst enemy? Will she be too late? Could Hermione possibly fall for this "New" Draco she has only seen through a letter he wrote? A possible D/Hr romance.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is story is rather depressing and deals with what a horrible tragedy teen suicide really is. Future chapters will not be as depressing and be sure to expect a lot more mature content such as language, sexual contents, and mature themes. Future chapters will also feature Harry and some of the other characters as well. Harry also plays a pretty important role in this fic, but he’s not talked about in this chapter too much.

Hi everyone! Icicle here again! Well this is a short fic from the point of view of Draco. (He’s my favorite character.) I love Draco so much and I hate to seem him suffer, but he will in this fic. This might become a D/Hr romance story. Well just something to keep you entertained until I post the Royal Diaries. Please read and review!

Note: This takes place during the hp gang’s 6th year at Hogwarts. Voldemort is back in power and Draco is supposed to join him on his 16th birthday. Both Draco and Hermione are prefects in this story. Well enjoy! And don’t forget to read and review.

Father Dearest
 
by Icicle
 
 

Chapter 1

 
Draco Malfoy took out a piece of parchment. He was the only one in his dorm right now. He was so unhappy, he hated his life. He hated everything about it. He couldn’t get the words out of his head that Hermione had said to him about a week ago. They were all so true. They kept filling his mind. They flooded through his body like poison. He didn’t know what to do. He finally decided to go ahead with the plan he had been making for the last week. He decided to spend his time writing a letter to his father. Here’s the letter:
 

Dear father,

    It’s me Draco. I’ve always wanted to tell you how I feel, but I couldn’t so I decided to write you a letter. Father I always try to please you. I always do everything you say, but still you punish me. I know I deserve some of the punishments I get, but father I don’t think anyone deserves to be hit and abused so many times the way I am. I’m sorry I went into your office and dropped your pensive, but did you really have to whip me with a belt 55 times. You just watched the blood flow down my back; you didn’t care that I winced with pain when you struck me. You actually hit me harder when I cried in pain and agony.

    Father I’m sorry that I am not like you. I try my best to hide my emotions, but sometimes I just can’t. Did you know that I like to watch the sun set father? Well I do, I know I’ll never admit to this, but in my mind I can pretend I did. Father I have tried to do everything you ask of me. You hate muggles and mudbloods and you have taught me to do the same. You have taught me all the qualities I needed to be a good Slytherin, and I did that.

    Do you know how nervous I was when the sorting hat fell over my eyes? I thought I would disgrace you by being put into Hufflepuff, but luckily, I wasn’t. The sorting hat told me I didn’t have a pure enough heart to be in any other house other than Slytherin. And do you know why that is father? It’s because of you. You have always been so cold to me that I tried to mimic you. At first, it was really difficult, but I soon learned that it’s always easier to hide emotions than face them. Both you and mother ignored me and never embraced me in a hug or told me you loved me. Mother hugged me a couple times, but that was in front of company to make it seem like she was a caring loving parent; she’s not and you aren’t either.

    All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I didn’t expect you to tell me, but I wanted to feel loved. I stopped being friends with people that weren’t pureblood because you wanted me to. You know what father, all the people who are pure blooded are just ignorant fools; I include myself when I say that. I don’t know how to feel anymore father; I can’t even feel pain. When you hit me now the pain is not so intense. I feel like I deserve pain and nothing more.

    Did you know that when I shower the hot water burns my scars? The pain is intense that sometimes I feel like I’m going to faint. Actually, I have fainted a couple of times. When I wake up I’m lying in the shower and I see blood going down the drain in large clumps. I then pray that I drown, so that I could be taken away from this horrible world. You know what though, I never do. Some stupid house elf always comes by and saves me. They tell you nothing of it because they are afraid of your reaction. They’re afraid you might kill them. I however, am not afraid of death. I think death is another natural part of life. Death seems like it’ll be a peaceful rest.

    I know that I will not go to heaven because I was never a good person, but I don’t believe that I will spend all eternity frying in hell. Father I don’t know what loves is. I don’t know what happiness is. I don’t know what fun is. The only emotion I know is HATE! That is the only thing you have ever taught me. You taught me how to hate, how to be evil, but I don’t want to be cold and unfeeling like you father. I want to feel emotions both happiness and pain. I’ve had more than enough pain in my life. When will the happiness come?

    I’m afraid to see what my future holds. I am nearing my 16th birthday and I know that you will want me to become a death eater, but I just can’t. Voldemort, is your Lord not mine. The only God I have is in heaven above, and sometimes I don’t even know if that’s true. Father I know that I have always failed you in every way. I was never top of my class. I was always second well except in Potions, but that was because Snape favored me. Even though I trained so hard, I’m still no good at being a seeker. I’m only second best.

    I hate to admit this, but Potter could beat me with both hands tied behind his back. You know what else father; I don’t really hate Potter the way you and the other Death Eaters do. Actually, I don’t hate him at all. When I first met him I actually liked him, but he tried to show me up. He thinks that’s why I started to despise him, but that’s not true. If anything I respected him for confronting me, but I knew that you wouldn’t let me be friends with him because he was a half blood. Why is blood so important to you?

    The only good people I know do not have pure blood. All pure bloods are rotten to the core. I was never a good person, but I don’t believe that I will spend all eternity frying in hell. Father I don’t know what loves is. I don’t know what happiness is. I don’t know what fun is. The only emotion I know is HATE! That is the only thing you have ever taught me. You taught me how to hate, how to be evil, but I don’t want to be cold and unfeeling like you father. I want to feel emotions both happiness and pain. I’ve had more than enough pain.

    I don’t deserve to be your son, and I know that. You have threatened to disown me plenty of times. Sometimes I really wish you would. I’d be nothing on the street; I’d probably die of hunger, but so what? Nobody cares about me, no one ever has. I always lay in bed and drown myself in my own sorrow. I used to cry myself to sleep at night.

    I remember a night not too long ago when I was about 8 years old. You caught me crying into my pillows and you grabbed me out of bed and started slapping me. You slapped me and kicked me until I stopped crying. You always told me crying wasn’t allowed. Crying was a weakness, but you know what I want to cry father. I’m weak father, I always have been. If I weren’t so weak maybe, I’d be able to stand up to you. If I weren’t so weak maybe, I’d try to let my emotions show. Maybe I wouldn’t be so cruel to anyone who gets remotely close to me. I always chase people away because I’m afraid of being hurt. I also believe that I don’t deserve to be loved. You told me that once father when I was a little boy.
 

*Flashback* (I know you can’t have flash backs in letters but I added one anyway.)

Young Draco: Daddy! Daddy you’re home.

[Draco ran over and held his father in a tight embrace.]

Lucius: Nice to see you too son and please show some respect call me father.

[Lucius said this coldly]

Draco: Yes, dad--- I mean father.

Draco: Father?

Lucius: Yes Draco?

Draco: Did you know I love you?

Lucius: [he was surprised by what his son had told him, he didn’t know how to respond] Yes son.

Draco: Do you love me too father?

[Draco accidentally stepped on the back of his father’s robes]

Draco: Ops!

Lucius: Clumsy stupid boy! You almost ruined my brand new dress robes. I paid many galleons for this you know.

Draco: Sorry father.

Lucius: Don’t interrupt me. [Draco was about to open his mouth but closed it] Love is something that has to be earned. Not everyone is worthy of being loved many aren’t. [Lucius glared at Draco]

Draco: But father---

Lucius: I told you not to interrupt damn it! Now you will have to be punished.

Draco: NO!

Lucius: Yes, you are unworthy to be called my son. Don’t look at me.

[Draco turned way with his father and with watery eyes stared at the floor]

[Lucius took out a big belt and struck Draco with it many times. Then he looked him in his room for two whole days with no meals.]

Emily: [Draco’s nanny who entertained Lucius] Lucius don’t you think that you are being a little bit harsh on young Draco?

Lucius: No! He needs to be punished; he has to learn not to disrespect the authority that in this case is me.

[Draco whimpered knowing that he would be facing 2 horrible days alone in his dreary room.]

*End of flashback*
 

    That was the first and last time I told you that I loved you. From that moment on, I knew that I wasn’t worthy of being loved. I didn’t deserve to be loved or hugged. I don’t deserve to be someone’s everything. I’m going to end up a miserable old man without a friend in the world.

    No I’ll probably be forced to marry some rich ditz, who I won’t care a thing about. I’ll be forced to have a child with her so there will be a Malfoy heir. You will force me to become a death eater, and I don’t have the strength to deny becoming one. I’m so cold father; my body temperature always feels about 10 degrees below normal. It’s probably because that’s how I feel inside. I don’t want to be cold anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I don’t want to try to fight for even your approval since I lost your love a long time ago.

    I want to tell you that I HATE YOU because you ruined my life, but I can’t. You’ve taken everything away from me happiness, my future, my faith, and my whole life but still I don’t hate you. I just can’t, I’m not like you, who can hate so easily. I don’t hate; the only person I hate is Voldemort! I hate him so much! He took you away from me; maybe if he weren’t your master you’d spend more time with me. Maybe you’d even love me.

    As you can see, this parchment is stained with nothing other than my own tears. Yes father, I did cry and I admit it openly too. Father, I can’t serve Voldemort! Like I said before he is your master, not mine! I can’t deal with this horrible life anymore. I wish that I had never been born! Nobody loves me; nobody would care if I died. Actually, I know a couple of people that would probably celebrate and throw a party because I died. Well at least I’ll be able to make someone happy.

    Father I have let both you and the rest of the world down. I can’t go on living this way; I’d rather die than become a servant to Voldemort. And that’s what I’m going to do. When I get home to the manor for Christmas break, I will kill myself on Christmas Eve.

    I’m sorry I displeased you so much, but you’re young go ahead and have another child. I hope that he will be worthy to be called your son. I’m sorry for everything and I want you to know that even though I should hate you, I don’t and I never will. I love you; I love you father! There I said it. I’ve been waiting my whole life to say that. I don’t want anything in return, all I want is that when you start your new life to please save a little spot in your memory for Draco Malfoy your first son. I love you Father! Goodbye! Say goodbye to mother and Emily for me!

Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 Draco folded the letter and put it in his special box. He wasn’t really going to give his father that letter. He would put it in his box where he put all the other letters he’s written, but never sent. This box held several letters to his father, one to his mother, a letter to Harry, a letter to Hermione, and some other letters. He would still kill himself tomorrow night after his mother’s Christmas party. Actually, he planned to kill himself on the stroke of midnight. He managed to buy a muggle contraption, what was the name again? Oh wait a gun that’s its name. With this gun Draco would hold it up to his head and pull the trigger. The shady character he bought it from assured him that any animal or human would die instantly if this were done. Here’s the letter that Draco actually would leave his father.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Father,

    It’s me Draco. How are you? I’m not okay father. I can’t deal with life anymore. It’s getting too hard, and I dread my future. I cannot be come a death eater, I rather die than become one. That’s what I plan to do. I’m sorry for not being a good son to you. You can have another son, a better one, one more like you. I’m sorry father.
I love you! Say goodbye to mother and Emily for me.

Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
Draco folded up the letter and stuffed it in an envelope. Yes, that would be a better letter to give to his father. He put that letter on his nightstand and went to bed. This would be the last time he slept in his bed at Hogwarts.

The next morning, Draco left the Slytherin common room early. He wanted to go for his last morning run before he left Hogwarts permanently. Crabbe and Goyle woke up and went looking for Draco.

"Uh, He’s not in his bed Crabbe," Goyle said.

"Where do you think he is?"

"I don’t know Goyle," Crabbe replied.

"He’s not under his bed either," Goyle said stupidly.

"But this is," said Crabbe. Crabbe had found Draco’s box.

"Don’t touch that Crabbe! You know Draco will kill us if he finds out we went through his stuff."

" You’re right Goyle. I’ll just put this back where I found it," Crabbe said.

"Where did I find it again?"

"On the bed DUH! What are you stupid?" Goyle said.

"Don’t call me stupid," Crabbe replied. Crabbe placed the box clumsily on the bed. He didn’t realize that it fell open as he and Goyle left the dormitory.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Hermione! Hermione!" called Professor McGonagall.

"Yes Professor?" asked Hermione.

"I need to talk to you."

"Sure what do you need Professor. Well the two Slytherin prefects are ill and I need someone to go into all the Slytherin dormitories and make sure everything is okay and that everyone is up. The Hogwarts Express will be leaving shortly."

"Yes, Professor." Hermione replied reluctantly. She hated the Slytherins but at least she could yell at them today. She was just so bored. She hadn’t gone on an adventure since third year with Harry. Maybe I’ll be able to get the Slytherins in trouble.

*****************************************************************

"Ill?" She thought. Draco wasn’t ill she had seen him last night in the library. Maybe she could expose him for lying and maybe she could even get Draco Malfoy a detention. She really hated him.

Hermione walked into the Slytherin common room; she had never seen such a dreary place. It was very chilly in here and the room itself was very uninviting. It was very dark and only a small green light was on. Hermione went from dormitory to dormitory making sure everyone was up and packed. She made sure that she yelled at the largest number of people as possible.

After she finished checking all the dormitories, she decided to go to Draco’s. She saved his for last, so she could expose him for the fraud he was. She was surprised to find the room completely empty except for some papers scattered on the floor. She picked them up and put them on Draco’s bed. She could tell they were in his handwriting. The last paper she picked up was a letter Draco had written to his father. She didn’t want to read it, she knew it was wrong, but something inside her told her to read it and she did. The letter said this:
 

Dear Father,
 
    It’s me Draco. I wanted to tell you how I feel, but I just couldn’t so I wrote you this letter…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Hermione finished reading the letter, she was almost in tears. She couldn’t believe that the same Draco she had hated all these years had written this letter. The Draco who wrote this letter was a different Draco, a Draco Hermione had never seen before. This Draco was kind hearted. He was very trouble and all he really needed was a little bit of love. How could she have been so oblivious to the fact that Draco acted the way he did for a reason? She knew it had something to do with his father, but she had no idea that he abused. She remembered seeing Draco with bruises after he came back from every vacation. She hadn’t cared much, but now she realized that she should’ve. Draco had been abused since he was a child. All he ever wanted was his father’s love. Even now, Draco says he still loves his father. Who was the Draco that Hermione had seen in this letter? Was this the real Draco that nobody ever sees? She couldn’t let Draco go ahead and end his life. She had to stop him, but how.

Before she continued with her train of thought a letter on, the floor caught her attention. It was addressed to her, so she didn’t feel so bad reading it. This is what it said:
 

Dear Hermione,

    Hi! It’s me Draco. Wait, before you tear up this letter, just listen to me first. I want to apologize for the way I’ve treated you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. At first, I hated you for beating me in all my classes, but then I got intrigued to get to know a girl that was even smarter than me. That’s why I started going to the library all the time to do my work instead of doing it in my common room.

    When you slapped me and insulted me, I was shocked. No girl has ever insulted let alone slapped me before.
Hermione took a small break from reading. She had tears in her eyes, she had always hated Draco with a passion and wanted to curse him, but he was already cursed. She felt so bad for insulting him and slapping him. She remembered one day when she had insulted him, but of course, she had to go mention his father.
 

*Flashback*

Draco: If it isn’t the mud blood---

Hermione: Draco you think you are so sinister, but you aren’t. You act the way you do because of that bastard you have for a father. If I were you, I’d want to kill myself. You have never experienced any real love in your whole entire life. You are just a spoiled rich brat.

Your parents don’t love you, they just buy you stuff to shut you up. I thought your father was the coldest cruelest man I’d ever meet, but I was wrong. The only person that comes close to him is you Draco Malfoy. You are a cold and unfeeling asshole! How do you look at yourself in the mirror? Don’t you hate yourself? I know I would if I were you. I may not be rich Draco Malfoy, but I rather be dead than ever become cold, arrogant, spoiled, idiotic, and heartless like you.

You don’t have a heart Draco Malfoy. I don’t know how you live. You don’t feel you only hate. You’re just a spoiled rich kid who has this perfect life, but still feels the need to bother others who don’t have it as well as he does. I feel pity for you Draco because no one will ever love you. You might go out and probably sleep with every single girl at Hogwarts because of your good looks and money, but deep down you know it’s true that everyone hates you and they always will!

[Draco was speechless; he didn’t know what to say. A mudblood had insulted him and he didn’t have anything to say back. It was true; all true nobody loved him. Not his parents, his friends, (come to think of it he didn’t have any friends), not even the girls he was with cared about him. He just stood there speechless. He thought to himself, I will not let her see that what she said hurt me. I can’t show my vulnerability to her.

Draco: [he started walking to the door] Whatever Granger, I have more important things to do than talk to you.

*Flashback ends*
 

Hermione remembered the look of terror on Draco’s face when she said these things to him. She had wondered why a few words had effected him so and now she knows why. She felt so bad for dragging his father into this. She could’ve sworn that she saw his eyes start to water a little bit when she had said these nasty things to him. She didn’t mean to hurt him so much. She was just angry, she didn’t think words mattered to him, but I guess they do. Hermione started crying as she read Draco’s letter.
 

    I always think about that day, you told me the truth right to my face. No one has ever done that before. You are absolutely right, I am a horrible, cold, unfeeling person who doesn’t deserve to live, let alone be loved. I’ll always remember what you said to me. That was the day reality set in. I always avoided the truth because I was afraid of it, but the truth always comes out. The truth is I have no heart; I feel nothing except hate.

    Be that as it may I don’t hate you or even Harry and Ron. Actually, I am quite fond of you. Girls used to be just an object to me, but not anymore. You made me see that girls are very intelligent and there’s more to at least some of them then make up and hair. You are different than any girl I have ever met. I have thought a lot about you since what you said to me. I think of you very often. I’m not implying that I have feelings for you because I’m not even sure myself. It’s very hard for me to sort out my feelings. My wish is for us to get to know each other.

    You are the most interesting person I have met at Hogwarts. I know though, that after the way I treated you, you don’t want anything to do with me. I completely understand, besides it wouldn’t work out anyway my father would kill me if he knew I had you as a friend. However, I ‘d like you to consider what I said in this letter. I really hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Please Hermione this is my last wish. I’m not going to be around anymore, so at least you’ll be able to have one fond memory of me. Goodbye forever Hermione! We will never meet again because you have a pure heart and you will go to heaven when you die, but I, who knows where I’ll go but I know it, definitely won't be heaven. In the big envelope, I’ve enclosed three letters, one is for Harry, one is for the whole Weasley family, and the last is for Neville. Please deliver these to them, that is my final wish. If you do this for me, I’ll be able to rest in peace.

Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
 
 
As Hermione finished, reading the letter her eyes started to swell up. She felt partly responsible for Draco’s decision to take his life. "Why did I have to say those awful things to him? Sure he always made fun of me, but still I had no right to insult him that way. I should’ve known something was wrong when Draco ran out of class the other day after reading the poem about his father," Hermione thought. "I’m just a horrible person. I’m going to be responsible for the death of human. I don’t care if he’s an insensitive, arrogant, devious… person, he still doesn’t deserve to die. I have to stop him."

Hermione wasn’t sure what to do; she didn’t know whom to tell. She finally decided not to tell anyone and to see if she could sneak on the Hogwarts Express and go to Malfoy Manor. She had to talk to Draco; she had to talk him out of killing himself. But how could she get him to not kill himself. She needed someone who cared about Draco to go with her. She thought long and hard, but the only name she could come up with was Professor Snape. There was no way she would ask him for help. She would just have to do this herself. She prayed to God that she could accomplish this mission.

Suicides are wrong; they never have a happy after life. Most of them become ghosts. "Poor Draco," she thought. "I can’t believe I’m actually feeling sorry for Malfoy. I can’t believe I’m going to risk my life to help him. Oh God what am I doing." Hermione said she wanted adventure in her life; well be careful what you wish for you just might get it. One second she was going to spend another boring Christmas at home and the next she’s sneaking off to Malfoy Manor to try to safe her worst foe.
 

To be continued…
 
 
 

Chapter 2