NOTE: Unless you have read some ancient Greek tragedies or at LEAST some Shakespeare, take your uncultured mind elsewhere, since you'll miss the whole point of what I've done. I hear JasonsBigScholong.com is a cool place to go.
ACT I
Scene 1
CAST
Jasonnicus
The Chorus
The Psycho Spirit
The Schizo Spirit
The Evil-Backstabbing-'Ho Spirit
The Hot chick
On a cliff overlooking a stormy ocean; Jasonnicus enters
Jasonnicus: O Olympus, what have I done to anger you? Was it my life as a scoffer, blasphemer, heretic, and infidel, or was it merely my embezzeling from your temples? What have I done to deserve this plague of celibacy?
Chorus Enters
Chorus: Noble Jasonnicus, hero of the people, what troubles your mighty soul? Has a loved one fallen into the abyss?
Jasonnicus: O, if only it were that simple.
Chorus: Has a seer foretold your imminent doom at the hands of one of your sons?
Jasonnicus: Not quite...
Chorus: Have you realized that your wife is your mother?
Jasonnicus: Gross! This isn't Kentucky, you pervs!
Chorus: Then what problem tarnishes the radiance of your soul?
Jasonnicus: The gods have aligned against me to ensure that my bloodline dies! They are jealous of my greatness, fearing that if I can rival their power, than perhaps my children can do the same. Through trickery and deviousness, they have ensured that no woman shall see fit to share my tent with me. They will converse with me and tease me with their assets and nudity thinly covered by clothing. Why, I spent all last night speaking to a female who I shall never have even though she is a favorite of Aphrodite!
Chorus: What is she?
Jasonnicus: Genitally accessable.
Chorus: Huh?
Jasonnicus: Sexually facilitating.
Chorus: We don't get it.
Jasonnicus: High Popularity Amongst the Males
Chorus: Do you mean--
Jasonnicus: EASY!
Chorus Natch. So why is this nymph beyond reach?
Jasonnicus: She lives in distant lands and she, favored of the god (like nearly everyone else but me), is out of the league of pathetic bottom feeders.
Chorus: Like you?
Jasonnicus: Hey, shut up! Anyway, even those females I managed to lure into my tent were surely agents of those evil and vengeful gods! Silence! Here they come!
The Psycho Spirit, the Schizo Spirit, and the Evil-Backstabbing-'Ho spirit enter
The Spirits: Behold, we are those who have aided the gods in ensuring that Jasonnicus' seed shall be spilt upon the dusty ground, never to enrich this world of sheep.
The Psycho Spirit: I was the First of the Three and was the first to taint his mind with my twisted overdependence. I taught him disgust and stole his patience.
The Schizo Spirit: I was the Second of the Three and was the first to usurp his seed. I taught him betrayal and stole his money and his virginity.
The Evil-Backstabbing-'Ho Spirit: I was the Last of the Trhee and my task was greatest. I destroyed his trust and stole his hope, teaching him bitterness and ruining his chances with other chicks through my pervasive influence.
Chorus: Boy, you sure know how to pick 'em.
Jasonnicus: It wasn't my fault! It was the gods! They hoisted these demons of estrogen upon me, cleverly disguising them as normal people. Normal, that is, until they began tearing out chunks of my soul with their green, crooked teeth. I caught on to their evil eventually. Begone foul ones!
The Spirits: You have no control over us! We shall haunt you forever!
Jasonnicus: Then I shall chase you away with my friend Jack Daniels!
The Spirits: We shall return!
The Spirits leave.
Chorus: Bummer, dude.
Jasonnicus: That triumverate of harpes has left me a shell of a man, but I shall stay strong! I shall defeat the gods! My seed will survive! I shall procreate with the next chick I see until her ears bleed!
Chorus: Behold! The answer to your prayers! A hot chick comes this way!
Hot chick enters.
Jasonnicus: Whoa! It IS a hot chick!
Chorus: Take her! Insure the continuation of your birthright! Sow your mighty seed!
Jasonnicus: Wait, I need to think of a line. What should I say? I need to think if something we have in common!
Chorus: Hurry! She is leaving!
Jasonnicus: No, I need more time. Okay, how about "Hi, I'm Jasonnicus the Heroic"?
Hot chick leaves.
Chorus: You blew it man. You are a wuss.
Jasonnicus: Shut up.
Chorus: You are cowardly and without spine or guts.
Jasonnicus: Shut up or I'll KILL you!
Chorus: Your seed doesn not deserve to be perpetuated!
Jasonnicus: I warned you!
They fight.
Chorus: You cannot defeat us! We are the Chorus!
Jasonnicus: I swear to you, as surely as the sun doth regularly melt into the western sky only to be reborn in the east, as surely as the tax man cometh every April, as surely as I attract only lunatics and evil 'hos, thy blood shall spill the ground and satiate the thirst of the crab grass and the appetite of the worms! By day's end, ye shall be standing at the foot of Hades as he determines a worthy punishment for thy blaspheme!
Chorus: We are vanquished!
The Chorus dies.
Jasonnicus: I shall prevail! I shall not rest until my blood courses in the veins of countless offspring and we topple the very gods from Olympus and I get laid! In the meantime, thank Gaia I have a good right hand.
Jasonnicus exits.