Think of all the people you care about, the ones you really put your faith in. Picture each of them, if you can, and hold that image in your mind for a moment. Close your eyes to get a good visual. Go ahead, take your time. We'll wait.
Got it? Good.
Now, know this. There are two kinds of people in that group: Those who have betrayed your trust, and those who will. Trust me on this one. It's easy to think of our own relationships as being somehow different, of course, but this is the one thing I can pretty much guarantee will be true for all of us.
Why is this true? Is it because the world is full of people looking to take advantage of you, people you shouldn't trust as far as you can kick them? Not at all. Most of the betrayals I speak of aren't motivated by malice. In fact, many of them aren't motivated at all.
But they do happen. They happen because of three of the most important words in language: People Are Imperfect. Repeat it to yourself, because it's a mantra worth remembering. It includes you, too, by the way. All the people who trust you can count on you betraying their trust at some point too, if you haven't already.
So, this means that trusting people isn't worth the risk. If we're guaranteed to have pain no matter what, what's the point, right?
BUZZ! Wrong answer. Thanks for playing.
In truth, trusting people is far more important when you accept that you'll be hurt at some point. This is true because it makes clear the most important fact about trust. Trusting someone is a choice that says more about who we are than it does about the recipient of that trust. More accurately, it says more about who we want to be than anything. When we accept that trusting someone is a risk, it is given meaning. Trust without risk is knowing your significant other will love you and stay with you no matter what you do. What value is there in a risk-free relationship?
Because trust is a statement about yourself, who you choose to trust can be a valuable tool to learn about yourself. If your relationships generally challenge, excite and fulfill you, the statement you're making is that you are worthy of happiness. On the other hand, if you find yourself extending trust to people who consistently treat you with disrespect and malice, perhaps you don't see yourself as deserving relationships with people who truly care about you.
None of this takes away the importance of being careful. I mentioned before that most of the betrayals of trust you'll encounter aren't malicious in nature. That doesn't mean that you won't be the victim of malice at some point, though. What's important is that you evaluate your relationships. Are you still learning from the other person? Are you teaching him or her anything? Are you both still having fun? If the answers to these questions are yes, it's worth trying to work through the rough patch in your relationship. If not, maybe it's time to think about whether you want to be in a relationship, Platonic or otherwise, that doesn't fulfill both of you.
June 2001