Title: HSU: Wearin' O' the Green
Author: Kendra
Rating: WYMOI (What ya make of it)
Notes: Good golly, I can't believe I did it. All mistakes are mine, as massive as they surely will be. Just remember-the green Elf is mine too, and nobody will get hurt.

~~*~~

It was quite the busy day, and Dande was one harried Wench that was very nearly on the edge of reason. If one more Elf or overly peroxided Wizard were to walk through her door for an emergency touch up for that night's St Patrick's Day party, the normally serene woman thought she might actually lose it.

Just as Dande applied the last of the solution to Haldir's hair, gave the Elf and Lucius cookies and tea for their wait, the red phone 'o dish rang.

Gliding most rapidly, yet still remaining graceful, Dande answered the call with a gleam of impending gossip dancing merrily in her eyes.

"Dish me! Diva grrl…long time no dish…he did? He didn't? Did he?"

Dande then placed her hand over the receiver to speak to her oblivious hair clients. "A General emergency," the Wench mouthed quietly before returning to the conversation with the Dean.

"No…he did not…a Shamrock shake?"

~~*~~

Jael stepped onto the highest point along her fort's wall, intent on surveying all that she…well, surveyed.

Stretching, taking a deep breath of the welcoming noon day air, the Warrior Ho then suddenly sputtered and coughed and choked.

"My…" she managed to gasp, fighting for breath.

Maximus, ever vigilant, found his lady in distress and was by her side in seconds, slapping her soundly on the back, nearly shoving her off the side of the fort in his endeavor.

"My moat!" Jael wheezed, finally gaining her voice and her breath, along with her balance.

The Other General looked to the Ho before leaning over the stonewall enough to gain a glance to the moat surrounding the fortress. When he slowly straightened, Max cocked a dark brow in the Ho's direction. "Yes? It is your moat, my lady."

Totally shocked by his obvious dismissal and calm attitude, the Warrior Ho began excitedly waving her hands about the air as she spoke. "Are you blind, man? We've been violated by vile, enemy scum from the north! Wanker County is north, right? Well anyway…all must die and pay for their evil deeds! My moat is now green!"

Once more Maximus stole another look to the moat, then shrugged as he turned back to the Ho. "It has always been green and putrid," he calmly replied in a low voice. "Algae."

Jael tilted her head curiously before garnering a second look over the fortress walls herself. "Oh," she calmly mused, shimmying slightly to adjust her golden, gleaming breastplate. "So it has."

~~*~~

"…Honestly…the man has cracked his crock this time if he thinks that's dinner out," the Dean continued twenty minutes later, leaning back in her GDC, pressing the espresso button.

"Can you believer the nerve of that man? Do I look like I like or ever wanted a Shamrock shake? And just who gave Obi-Wan all those gift certificates to that grease pit? Oh…well, I'm sure it was lack of thought on the Master's fault and a last minute gift purchase at Christmas…no…I did not say he was thoughtless…though…"

~~*~~

Judy reached beneath the bar and placed a coaster upon the bar top. "Don't say I've never done anything for you," the Ho commented to Dor as the Wo plunked heavily down upon her beloved and duct taped barstool.

Dor furrowed her forehead quite comically. "Don't toy with me. I've had a long night. First Xani spent all evening stapled to the wall. Then LP whined the rest of the night about how he was a 'lavender' color and did not wear green very well and how silly he'd look if he did. And to top it all off, Arthur kept ranting on and on about that bony Guenivere chick…" the Wo winced, rubbing her temples.

"Maybe you should…" Judy began to suggest but the glare she received from the Wo, momentarily stopped her.

"I've seriously thought about crating the lot of them off. But they'd only be mailed back-'return to sender'," Dor groaned. "I need a vacation. You know the biggest tragedy of all this? I'm almost sober."

Judy then gasped aloud; a sober Dor was not something she needed in her pub. "Here, I think I can take car of that problem," she announced, sitting a very special St Patrick's Day, limited edition, Maker's Mark down before the disturbed Wo.

Instantly, Dor broke down and openly wept in joy upon seeing the green-waxed bottle top.

"There, there now…" Judy soothed while patting the Wo upon her bowed head. "Watch the tears, will you! Watch the tears…no water rings on the bar top. You know the rules," the barkeep emphasized, pointing to the wall and her ever-growing list of pub policies.

~~*~~

"…Qui-Gon can't help it…no…it's true, his nerves…yeah, the koi pond again…yes…yes…mermaid suit and all…he's now intent on putting in security measures to keep her out. Hold on a sec…"

Dande then yoo-hooed to the Elf and awaiting Wizard. "I'll be right with you," she sweetly sang then went back to her chatting with the Diva, unaware that it had been over an hour since they began gabbing.

"Where was I? Yes, the koi pond…I'm afraid he's developing Chronic Koi Syndrome…yes there is such a thing…"

~~*~~

Kendra smiled quite confidently after separating her gummy fish by color and setting aside the entire green ones. After all, it was St Patrick's Day, she might as well celebrate the part.

Shoving back in her chair, then standing, the Water Ho smiled even more confidently as she smoothed down the front of her form fitting, black suit jacket, that plunged ever so daringly in front since she'd opted not to wear a shirt beneath it.

Taking a few tentative steps towards the General's office door, she stumbled in overly high heels. Quickly recovering, shimmying down her tight, matching suit skirt trying to play off the ungraceful and totally unsexy move, she continued.

Checking her hair, the Ho slightly adjusted a stray wisp that had escaped the confines of the haphazard bun she now wore it in. With a seductive smile, the Water Ho knocked on the General's door before stepping inside.

"Yes, luv?" The General automatically greeted, his attention focused firmly on the mirror in his hand. "Does this look like a gray hair?"

Kendra rolled her eyes. "It's all an evil plot by that Big Headed Flannel…err…Head guy. There is no gray, whatsoever, in your hair," she again assured, impatiently tapping her foot. "Excuse me!" The Water Ho loudly griped. "I'm standing right here trying to seduce you…sheesh! Jedi can be so slow!"

Sensing as well as hearing the Ho's growing impatience-after all he was a Jedi, the General glanced to his secretary for the first time and was quite taken by the image she projected as he regarded her attire over the rim of his glasses. "Blahst, this is quite the surprise," he commented with that nawtay grin of his.

"I noticed you were not wearing green today," the Ho baited, referring to his all black attire-it was black leather Thursday after all. The kilt attire was later, for the big party.

"No, luv," he answered in a gravely voice that sent very good shivers down the Ho's spine. "I couldn't help but notice you are not wearing green eithah."

"My, my, my…maybe I am," she teased showing him the top edge of a green silk bra then covering back up. "But since you're not…you do know what that means, right?" The secretary sighed dramatically.

"Hey! I thought my appointment was…" Laure loudly exclaimed, charging into the outer office.

Kendra growled at the disturbance. "How many times do I have to remind you today that your appointment is at two?! Now knock off drinking the Irish whiskey already and scram!" The Water Ho uncharacteristically snapped, kicking the door closed behind her.

"I've not had but…" Laure's reply of indignant protest was cut short by the door soundly hitting her in the face. She was out cold.

Tugging at the hem of her jacket to adjust it once more, the General's secretary brushed aside the event. "So, where were we?"

~~*~~

"Luck of the Irish my ass!" Ellie muttered aloud after the last of her quarters was lost in her slot machines.

Standing up, a bit shaky from an all night slot machine binge-okay, all week. The Vet Ho, in her 'Kiss me I'm Irish' green t-shirt that sparkled with glitter, her false four leaf clover tattoos on her cheeks-no, not those cheeks, her wobbly shamrock headband ornaments, the Vet Ho's real clover growing in a plastic coffee cup atop the slot machine, went about raiding various coin stashes about the clinic.

Finding all her usual hiding places vacant of quarters, even the trusted couch had betrayed her of her prize, Ellie gasped in horror before sinking to her knees in agony.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

~~*~~

"Did you hear that?" Judy asked in alarm, her hand automatically reaching for her trusty bat beneath the bar.

"Sounds normal to me," Laure replied, ice pack to her forehead, fresh glass of Irish whiskey in her other hand. "Is it two yet?"

~~*~~

"What was that?"

"No…I've got all the time in the world…go on…what did he do next?" the Wench insisted, her hair clientele long forgotten. Hey, it was good dish!

~~*~~

Legolas stood upon the beach and with keen Elven eyes, surveyed the cluttered lake before him.

" 'Tis not good. Not good at all," he whispered stoically, watching as the pirates and a few drunken miners went about dying the lake water an emerald green.

Shaking his head, the Elf sighed. "She will be most displeased." He popped a few skittles in his mouth right about then.

It was also in that time that Cal and his little red wagon came barreling across the campus, heading straight towards the unsuspecting Elf and the now green lake.

"Watch out!" Cal girlie screamed in warning.

Even with Elven grace and speed, Legolas did not stand a chance against a runaway red wagon and a petrified padawanabe.

All three ended face first in the lake.

~~*~~

Ellie was depressed, desperate, and pissed as she walked into the pub-some that fateful day would swear that the Vet Ho's eyes glowed green; others would disagree and say they glowed red. Needless to say, they all agreed they glowed maniacally.

"Look! Just look what someone did to Sugar, Obi-Wan's cat!" She raged loudly, storming up to the bar.

"What?" Dor questioned a bit confused. "He has a cat?"

Judy sighed tiredly and handed Dor another special edition Maker's. "Sugar…uh-huh. Ah, Ellie, where is the cat?"

Ellie huffed and stomped her foot. "Right here!"

"Oh," Judy played along.

Dor squinted and rubbed her eyes, then took another drink.

Laure continued to down her Irish whiskey in early celebration while sitting at the bar rehearsing for her big St Patrick's Day show's grande finale that night.

"Are you all mad?" The Vet Ho demanded, then she held the cat away from her green shirt, which it had blended into, and all could finally see the animal.

"She's green!" Judy loudly exclaimed in shock.

"Duh! That's what I've been telling you guys, someone around this place dyed the cat green. And I won't even begin to tell you what they did to the elephants," Ellie stated, handing the wayward cat to Dor who continued drinking with one hand, holding the cat with the other.

Jael walked through the pub door, glancing behind her as she entered. "Why are the King of Siam's elephants spray painted with green polka dots?" She thumbed.

~~*~~

Emmy popped another Cadbury egg in her mouth. "Uh-huh, yeah…yeah…fine…whatever…but it's about me…the man should know this by now."

The Dean suddenly winced and held the phone away from her ear as a blood-curdling scream could be heard over the line before it suddenly went dead.

"You know, most people just say good-bye before hanging up," the Diva griped.

~~*~~

Qui-Gon cocked his head and listened. Then turned down the volume on Speed Vision, just in case. "Puff? Everything all right?"

Hearing no more panicked screams, but only incoherent babbling; the retired Jedi Master hit the volume once more, cranking it up on high before easing his recliner back for optimum viewing in-between naps.

~~*~~

Delphi slammed her fist hard against her desk, he attention still drawn to the computer monitor before her.

"Someone will pay!" She vowed as the naked leprechaun continued to dance across the screen.

"Oh, mark my words, somebody will die for disrupting my system," she swore with a deadly laugh that sent even Worf to silently head for safer ground.

~~*~~

"I'm slicing, I'm slicing," Kendra growled to her Master. "Sheesh, just how many limes do we need, even if they are green?"

Before Judy had time to reply, all heads in the pub turned in unison. The music stopped, people gasped aloud, Logan laughed uproariously.

Lucius Malfoy, green hair and all, strolled casually to his favorite corner table, his cane making the only other sound as it tapped ominously against the floor as he walked. Haldir seemingly didn't fair much better, for his once golden locks were now grass green, as well as the Wizard's. He too just raised his nose most snobbishly and joined the other green-haired person in the room-Lucius.

Ellie groaned loudly and thumped her head against the bar top before Judy placed a coaster under her. "Oh great, just what I need. A grumpy Elf with green hair. Luck of the Irish my ass."

Seconds later, a semi-graceful, sugar high, all green vision came bounding through the door. "Who fed the Elf skittles?" Kendra demanded, and then promptly fainted at realizing her Elf was green from head to foot.

"Ouch! That had to have hurt," Emmy mused, watching the secretary hit the floor hard. "Judy, I need a refill!" She shouted, raising her glass.

Judy sighed while stepping over her padawan and refilled the Dean's glass. "Guess I should take her to the clinic, huh? Well, nevermind…I've got inventory to do, it can wait," the barkeep said distractedly as the General, kilt-clad, and joined the celebration.

The General raised a brow most distractingly as he looked over the bar and to the unconscious Water Ho. "That definitely had to hurt," he agreed with a wince before Judy handed him his Corellian ale. "I'll take care of this…in a moment," the Jedi insisted, taking a sip of his ale before Emmy dragged him to the dance floor.

~~*~~

Meanwhile in the cabaret, Laure wavered slightly, swaying a bit, and unsteadily sang and danced on stage.

"Now for the grande finale," she announced. "My tribute to Riverdance!"

There was a smattering of applause. That is till the dancers-miners-and Laure started jigging and clogging and fell off stage and right into the midst of the audience. Her accompanying cloggers, kickers, clunkers-miners, kept dancing right out of the cabaret doors as Laure lay prone in the orchestra pit.

The applause was deafening. "Bravo! Bravo!" Commo shouted, giving his beloved a standing ovation.

~~*~~

The Nurse opened the post box and dropped in yet another postcard reading, 'Glad your not here, but still miss you grrls' and sighed longingly, for only as Darry could do.

It had been a good, extended vacation with her servant. Well, until that incident in Rome. 'It was dark, it could have been anyone,' or so she and Cic told the policia during the questioning.

Again, looking at the post box, Darry thought of her adored clinic and hoped it was still in one piece, doubtful, but denial was a wonderful.

One of these days, the many postcards sent back to campus would make it there, if only she remembered to put a stamp on them. But really, that was Cic's fault for he always seemed to distract her at the best times.

~~*~~

Aragorn saw a little green man scuttling about in a little green wagon, as he walked across campus-Cal. Becoming quite alarmed, he raced to the pub to sound the alarm. Pushing the pub door open-in that sexy way Laure adored, and Kendra and Ellie appreciated, Aragorn strode purposefully inside.

"Calm down, everyone! Do not panic! We are under attack by Martians!" The Ranger, who would never be King at this rate, shouted, his sword waving in the air.

~~*~~

All heads in the pub turned.

 "Laure!"

~~*~~