You are cordially invited to the HSU Holiday Party!
December 22nd - 6:00 pm
The Pub
All guests welcome

"What the hell is this?" Emmy demanded as she stormed into Kendra's office.

"Hmm?" Kendra replied, not looking up from her Staples catalog.

"'All guests welcome'?"

"Hmm?"

"'ALL guests WELCOME??'  What the hell were you thinking inviting losers and lay-abouts to the Christmas party??"

"I didn't send it," Kendra said, finally looking up with an indignant glare.

"Well if you didn't, who did?"

"I dunno."

"Whaddya mean ya dunno?"

"I dunno."

"You're the secretary!" Emmy said. "You're SUPPOSED to know."

Kendra made a "phhhffft" noise and went back to her catalog.

"Besides," Emmy said, "it's on your stationery."

"WHAT?" Kendra yelled, leaping up from her chair and grabbing the invitation out of Emmy's hand. "My stationery is only for extremely important and official purposes! And I'M the only one who can issue extremely important and official stationery type deals!"

The Diva examined her fresh French manicure.

"Who's been stealing my stationery?? WHO would have the nerve to break into my office and sent invitations that looked like they came from me?? WHAT idiot would be all 'La-la-la, come to the party and bring your friends' on MY stationery??!!"

"Good morning, lovelies!" the General said cheerfully as he whisked through Kendra's office and into his own.

"Oy," Emmy said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"He is so dead," Kendra growled.

"Well, now that this is sorted…." and the Diva made a swift exit.

"Hey!" Kendra protested. "Since when do I have to kill him all by myself?"

"Since forever?" Emmy replied from the hall as she walked away.

"Oh." Kendra bit her lip. "Right."

~*~

"Darling?"

"Hmm."

"Will we be burning Christians or Pagans this evening?"

Laure gave her Emperor a blank look.

"The white or the green, I'm just not sure," Commo said, staring into his closet and thoughtfully rubbing his chin.

Laure rolled her eyes and turned to re-fill her morning toddy.

~*~

"Oh, this is so exciting!" Dande enthused as she ironed Cara's Christmas dress. "We haven't had a real party in ages!"

"Puff," Da Mastah said.

"Yes, dear?"

"You are not actually taking our daughter to this…." The search for the proper word gave him pause.

"Of course! It's Christmas dear! Besides, Kendra wouldn't have invited ALL guests if it weren't a family-friends event!"

Da Mastah sighed. His wife had obviously been inhaling too much of that "snow" that had been falling recently. "This . . . event is to be held in the Pub."

"Oh yes, I read the invitation dear."

"In the Pub," Da Mastah repeated, trying to emphasize the location with appropriate disdain where his little girl was concerned.

"Yes, mmm-hmm," Dande replied, still focused on ironing the ruffles.

"Party! Party! Party! Party!" Cara exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

"It's not an appropriate environment. Cara cannot attend the party."

Dande's iron steamed as she held it upward and stared at her husband.

Cara stopped bouncing. "But Daddy!" Her little Wenchie eyes grew larger and moist, her lower lip quivering slightly.

Da Mastah paused yet again. "Fine."

"Yay! Party! Party! Party! Party!"

"But the moment - I mean the *moment* - things get out of hand, we are leaving," he ordered.

"Oh yes, of course dear," Dande replied, resuming her ironing.

"Which means this should last all of fifteen minutes," Da Mastah grumbled as he left the room.

~*~

"Do NOT tell me that my padawan invited ALL THESE PEOPLE!"

Emmy looked up from her garland-strewn GDC to find a very testy Bartender in her doorway. Then she arched a brow and pointed over Judy's shoulder. "Go talk to Mr. Kumbaya down the hall."

Judy placed her hands on her hips. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

"I wish."

"What is wrong with that man?"

"No idea."

"This is going to be nightmare!" Judy exclaimed. It's bad enough with the miners leaving rings on my bar, but ANY and all guests??"

"Look at it this way," Emmy said. "This might actually be a good opportunity to beat most of them senseless so we don't have to see their loser butts again around here."

Judy gave the Dean a dubious look. "And have a bunch of whiney Ho's on my case?"

"What else is new," Emmy snorted.

~*~

"I think we should bring all the trees!" Jael said excitedly. Won't they be cute party decorations??"

Max tried not to smile at his Princess Warrior's expense, envisioning the wrath of Diva, Bartender, Secretary, and gods knew who else when trees walked into the Pub. "Perhaps a more - restrained presentation is the order of the day."

"But-"

"All those guests, that big fireplace, Logan and his cigar…it's somewhat of a safety hazard."

Jael paused, her security senses kicking in. "Hmm. You have a point there." She scratched her head. "So maybe I'll bring snowmen instead."

Max's face showed the hint of a smile. "Just one."

"But-"

"Think of the shoes . . . all that water."

"Oh," Jael's brow furrowed. Dammit, why'd he always have to be so smart? "Maybe I'll just bring some cookies instead."

Max chuckled softly while Jael marched off to the kitchen.

~*~

"How 'bout this?"

"No."

"This?"

"Uh-uh."

"Okay, this."

"Nnnnnnope."

"Oh come on."

Ellie crossed her arms. "Santa does not wear leather. He doesn't wear denim. And he most certainly doesn't have claws."

"This sucks," Logan replied. "I aint doin' it."

"Yes. You are."

"No. I'm not."

"Do you *really* want to have the discussion again about your betting my slot machine profits for the next five years in that poker game last week?" Ellie replied, giving Logan The Look. "The poker game you *lost*."

Logan scowled, his mind reviewing all the possible options for this ending well. "That pirate was drunk, he'll never remember."

Ellie stared at him, hands on her hips.

"Why the hell would you promise Kendra that I'd do this??" Logan knew the petulant route wouldn't work, but when did that ever stop him?

"I told you that you would pay at some point. That point would be now."

Logan glared at Ellie, grabbing the big red suit and white beard and clomping down the hallway, swearing as he went.

~*~

Round One - Wine

"Look, Cara, it's Santa!" Dande said, pointing to the corner.

"Yay! Santa! Santa! Santa!" Cara exclaimed, running over to a very disgruntled looking Santa, Da Mastah hot on her heels when he realized who was behind the beard.

"Listen Wench," Emmy said, approaching with a very full glass of merlot. "You tell that baldie of yours to LAY OFF my diamonds."

Dande giggled. "Oh, he's just having fun. Besides, it's better than locusts, right? Judy! Merry Christmas!" she said, making her way to the bar.

"Does *anyone* around here speak Egyptian??" Emmy said to no one in particular.

"Sure," Ellie said, stepping in to grab her champagne.

"Good! I need you to-"

"Nah, forget it," Ellie said, taking her glass and walking away.

"But you didn't even let me finish," Emmy said, marching after her.

"What's up with her?" Darry asked, as Judy poured her a glass of merlot.

"What isn't?" Judy replied.

"True enough," the Nurse said, scanning the room for her Servant to confirm that the distance between he and Commo was to her satisfaction.

"Good evening," the General said with a smile as he stepped up to the bar.

"You," Judy said.

"Me?"

"You."

Darry snorted. "This can't end well for you."

"It always ends well for me," the General replied with a smirk.

Darry laughed, "Still optimistic after all these years."

"How else would I survive this lovely lot," he said, giving the Nurse a proper smooch on the cheek before she suddenly darted away to give Laure what-for about the decreasing distance between Commo and Cic.

The General smiled and sipped his ale.

"I'm not done with you yet," Judy said with a huff.

"I certainly hope not," the General replied with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"Don't," Judy said, pointing at him. "You invited EVERYONE to *my* Pub without so much as a courtesy call. Don't even try to get out of this."

"Why not," the General replied leaning forward, propping his elbow on the bar and resting his chin on his hand.

"Don't even waste your charm on me, mister. I am immune because you are in *big* trouble."

The General blinked at the Bartender.

Judy huffed and tossed her bar rag at him. "You are totally going to pay," she said turning to fill another glass.

The General gave a self-satisfied grin. "Works every time," he muttered under his breath.

"DEAD! He's DEAD!" Kendra suddenly shouted as Commo proudly sentenced her pirate to the pyre, no longer concerned about Christian or Pagan affiliations. The important part was that somebody burned.

The General sighed and rubbed his forehead.

~*~

Round Two - More Wine

"Just calm down!" Laure yelled.

"Calm down? Calm down??" Kendra replied. "He's going to BURN my Will!"

"Oh please," Laure said, flapping a hand at Kendra. "When have I ever allowed him to do *anything* that's come out of his mouth?"

Kendra stopped and scratched her head as Laure walked away. "But it's the principle of the thing!"

"If you ask me," Emmy said, "I think we should burn the whole lot of 'em." The Diva nodded, impressed with her own sensibility. "Except for Max, of course."

"Excuse me!" Kendra said.

Emmy gave Kendra a blank look. "Why? What'd you do?"

Kendra's face grew a little redder, "I didn't do anything! You-"

"Except then they'd really stink up the place if we burned them all," Emmy continued. "Maybe we could put them on a big bus and drive them off a cliff or something."

Darry stepped in. "Maybe if you got laid more often, you wouldn't have this problem of being so insufferable."

"Hey! I get laid often enough."

Darry nearly choked on her wine.

"Just because I'm not slutty like Ellie."

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Whatever."

"Listen, you silly cow," Ellie started.

"Time to go," Da Mastah said, grabbing Cara into his arms and giving his wife a commanding look.

"Yes dear," Dande said. "Be sure Cara gets her story before she goes to sleep."

Da Mastah gave his wife another look.

"Dear, they need me to help them sort this out," Dande said, scurrying over to the Ho fray. There hadn't been anything this potentially entertaining in quite some time.

Da Mastah grumbled and carried his daughter out of the Pub.

"Hey! At least I'm not the one who rigged your slot machines to pay out only to pirates and elves!" Emmy yelled.

Ellie stopped mid-tirade on the Diva and turned toward Kendra. "You did WHAT?"

"Why you lookin' at me??" Kendra said defensively. "Why do I always get blamed for everything?"

"Because you DO everything," Judy piped in, having hurried around the bar, bat in hand in case anybody tried to throw a drink.

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!" all Ho's replied.

"You see what I meant about the trees," Max said to Jael.

"Oh sure, you think you're ALWAYS right," Jael said, marching off and joining the melee in the middle of the Pub.

Max shook his head and reached for his beer. The Ho Continuum was a dangerous place to be when any of them were out of sorts.

"I DO NOT!"

"YES YOU DO!"

"ENOUGH!!!!"

The women paused, unaccustomed to a bellow such as this.

"Is it SO HARD for you all to get along?? What do I ask, ONE evening when we can ALL come together, celebrate the holidays, and enjoy each other's company!"

Every female mouth dropped open, eyes widening.

"And FURTHERMORE," the General spewed, "Is it TOO MUCH to ask that we have ONE EVENING without this bloody battling and bickering???"

Men began to slink out of the Pub. Ho and Wench eyes darting back and forth between each other.

"You know what we're going to do?" the General said. "We're going to sit down together and talk about this."

Several snorts erupted.

"We are going to *sit down and talk about this*," the General said, that all-business Jedi look on his face, the look that immediately stopped the snorts and rolling eyes.

"He's fucking lost his mind," Darry whispered.

"Just shut up and sit down," Emmy whispered back. "You remember what happened the last time he lost his mind."

"Uhh, no," Darry replied.

"Shhh," Ellie said. "We might not get presents."

~*~

Round Three - Margaritas

"Now," the General said, a bit calmer now that everyone seemed to be cooperating. "We're going to go around in a circle and say one thing nice about each other."

Ho's exchanged incredulous glances. Dande beamed, appreciating the General's approach.

"Emmy, we'll start with you."

"Oh, please!"

"Emmy," the General said.

Emmy crossed her arms. "Alright, fine." The sooner she got this over with, the sooner she could get the hell out of there. Still, she just glared at him. She wasn't about to make this easy.

"Let's start with Kendra," the General said. "Say one nice thing about Kendra."

Emmy sighed.

"This only has to be as difficult as you make it," the General said.

"Excuse me, Kumbaya Boy, I'm trying to THINK!" Emmy replied.

The Ho's sighed. Emmy tapped her foot and chewed her thumbnail.

Kendra pouted, "Come on, how hard could this be? I'm easy to-"

"Kendra," the General put up his hand. "Please let Emmy think."

The Ho's sighed again. Emmy kept tapping her foot and chewing on her nail.

"Okay, I've got it," she said. "Kendra does a really good job stapling things."

"Emmy-" the General said disapprovingly.

"I do, don't I!" Kendra said with a smile.

The General paused. Well, maybe that would do after all. "Alright then, now say something positive about Laure."

"Uhhhh…" Emmy exhaled loudly. "Uh, she has good wine?"

The General sighed. But this was better than fighting. "Okay, and Darry?"

"Really good with a bandage."

"And Ellie?

"Really good with the tigers."

"And Jael?"

"Really good with a sword."

"And Judy?"

"Really good with a margarita."

"And Dande?"

"Really good with hair."

"Excellent," the General said unconvincingly. "Now, Ellie, it's your turn."

"Right okay whatever," Ellie said. "Kendra likes water, Darry is my Mastah, Judy hasn't hit me with the bat, Laure doesn't lecture me, Jael likes archaeology, and Dande bakes cookies."

"Darry?" the General said.

The Nurse took another sip. "Kendra doesn't injure herself as much as she used to. Ellie is my padawan. Emmy is a bitch."

"Darry," the General said.

"Hel-lo! That was a compliment," Darry said.

The General furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, she didn't yell when she said it," Emmy said. "Move along."

Darry nodded. "Judy keeps me hydrated and stocked with martinis. Jael keeps arrows away from Cic. Laure keeps Commo away from Cic. Dande doesn't play Celine Dion anymore."

"Riiiight," the General said. "Jael, how about you?"

"Uhhhh…." Jael thought for a moment. "Darry lets Cic help build the fort. Emmy has never thrown a shoe at Max. Laure shares sometimes. Ellie takes care of the horses. Judy lets the miners in the bar…on occasion. Kendra lets us use the lake for nautical training. And Dande gives us flowers from her garden to spruce up the fort."

"Good," the General said, determined to focus on the positive himself. "I think it's Laure's turn now."

Laure took a good swig of wine before starting. "Dande has lovely tea parties. Emmy increased the shoe budget for 2007. Darry hasn't taken revenge on Commo. Judy keeps my wine stash fully stocked. Jael hasn't killed Commo yet. Ellie has men in loincloths serving drinks in her casino. Kendra hasn't killed me yet for that whole Ludmilla misunderstanding."

Kendra bounced up and down in her chair, hand raised high in the air.

"Yes, Kendra," the General said.

"It's my turn!"

"What'd you put in her margarita?" Emmy said to Judy.

Judy shrugged.

"Yes indeed," the General said.

"Okay!" Kendra said. "Emmy hasn't permanently ruined my Elf's hair. Darry gives me all the Band-Aids I need. Laure didn't seem to mind too much when the fountains blasted Commo off his golf cart last week. Judy is my Master. Dande intervenes on my behalf when her husband gets mad at me. And Jael sent miners to help install my fountains."

"Dande," the General said. "You're not actually required to-"

"WHY NOT??" all Ho's protested.

"Oh, I don't mind at all, Obi-Wan!" Dande said. "Emmy has a lovely sense of style and is a true blue friend. Darry is a truly dedicated nurse and would never hesitate to help anyone in need. Kendra has a heart of gold and is never afraid of a challenge or new adventure. Judy is the best barkeep and bookie in the business, and she knows her horse business, let me tell you! Laure makes wonderful muffins, and is a fantastic colleague in trying to keep the peace around here. Jael is a brave and skilled warrior, but also a lovely girl under all that armor. And Ellie is the epitome of beauty and brains. Not only is she an excellent veterinarian, but her knowledge of archaeology and ancient history are truly an asset to this university. Really, when I'm not around, the only thing that comes between this campus and a plague of locusts is Ellie."

The General beamed. Finally, somebody got it right. Perhaps not the person he intended, but after three glasses of ale, it didn't make a whole lot of difference.

"Oh my God, we totally rock," Kendra said.

~*~

Round Four - Margaritas, Martinis, and Mojitos

"Okay okay, wait!" Darry exclaimed, taking a sip of her martini. "I have a *brilliant* idea."

"Oh dear," Emmy said. "Bartender, keep the rocks and salt coming!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhh," Darry slurred a bit. "No really, it's brilliant. Okay, so this is sorta like truth or dare, only when it's your turn, you have to say something nice about somebody else's man."

"Aw crap," Emmy said with a laugh. "I am totally going to lose this round of play."

Ellie cackled, "Which is why the DIVA has to go first!"

"You all suck," Emmy said as the other girls cheered. "You know that, right?"

"This IS brilliant!" Judy said, flinging new coasters down for everyone. "I think Emmy should say something nice about Qui-Gon."

"GAWD!"

Dande giggled. "Perfect! Yes, let's hear it, Diva Girl."

"Alright, alright, alright," Emmy said. "Da Mastah is a great man because he alone could make Dande STOP LISTENING TO CELINE DION!" Emmy laughed at her tipsy cleverness.

"I really don't think I can be held responsible for that," Dande laughed, reaching for her second margarita. Or was it her third?

"Okay, now Emmy has to say something nice about LOGAN!" Ellie said, searching around for her bellini, a fresh one appearing before her eyes before she could protest having "lost" another one.

"Why is everyone picking on me??" Emmy whined, but still laughing while trying to get her margarita straw in her mouth.

"Because it's fun," Jael said.

"Okay, okay, whatever," Emmy said. "You know I'm always going to win. Right then, Logan…uhhhhh."

Ellie snorted.

"Hey, you have to admit that you'd have a hard time thinking of something yourself!" Emmy said. "You *did* make him dress as Santa, after all."

"She does have a point there!" Kendra said.

"Oh shush," Ellie said.

"Right, I have to start out by saying I hate his hair and he stinks."

"Such a charmer, you are," Dande said.

"*But* I can admit - under the influence of ," Emmy stared at her glass, "however many margaritas this is - that he does wear his leather well."

"Damn straight!" Ellie said.

"At least from the waist down," Emmy added.

There was much snorting and laughter, so much so that no one noticed the General slinking out the Pub door, feeling very amused at the girl bonding but really more interested the poker game that just assembled at Da Mastah's place. Saved by the power of the Force once again.

~*~

Round Five - Who's keeping track at this point?

"Okay, the thing about him is!" Emmy made an emphatic gesture that would have looked ridiculous to a sober person . . . had there been any in the room. "The thing about him is - I don't like him! BUT from a purely analytical standpoint, he must have SOME redeeming quality. I dunno what it is. Sure, he has a nice ass and good thigh structure," she said in all seriousness - as serious as a drunk person can sound.

"You're really obsessed with the whole below-the-waist thing," Laure said.

"And your point??" Ellie said.

"What I'm SAYING," Emmy continued, "is that for a Ho to love this freak for three thousand some odd years, there must be something redeeming about him."

"She's right you know," Kendra added, pointing at Emmy and sticking herself in the nose with her margarita straw. "A Ho wouldn't waste *that* many years of her . . . life on a loser."

"She did eventually dump him, though," Ellie said.

"My point exactly," Kendra said. "I think."

"See, he had it coming after all," Emmy said.

"Who the fuck are we talking about again?" Darry said.

"You girls are big mean Ho's!" Dande said, trying not to giggle tequila out her nose.

"And you!" Emmy said, turning on the Wench. "You need to tell him that when I say 'Ho', I aint talkin' to him."

Dande just laughed again. "Diva, you can't reason with-"

"My point exactly!" Emmy said. "I think. Or whatever."

"I think somebody should say something nice about my men!" Kendra said.

"Why?" came the collective response.

"Hey!" Kendra exclaimed, only to be drowned out by more giggling, to which she succumbed as well, having completely forgotten what she was protesting.

~*~

"So," Da Mastah said.

"Everything's fine," the General said, sitting down at the poker table.

Max smirked, "As always, eh?"

"Yep," the General said with a chuckle.

"Alright then, place your bets," Da Mastah said. Then he gave Logan a look, "And for God's sake, man, bet your own money this time."

The End