Title: HSU-Good Will Toward No One
Author: NurseDarry
Warnings: Partial nude scene by Jael
Disclosure: All you creators know who you are- I'm just stealing your work and playing like hell.
hAcKed off
"Nice work," the Dean coughed as she and her PA stood outside the Clinic. One of Darry's centurions was now a smoking pile of ash. The other was untouched and still resolutely steadfast in its desire to hand out Band Aids. But the Dean's message of "Stop messing with my stuff" should at least now be crystal clear. "Consider yourself promoted to Personal Assistant and Chief Assassin."
Great, Lucius thought. Yet another lateral move along the corporate ladder.
Jarhead
*Breathe* Kendra told herself. You'll be there soon. *Breathe*
The Water Ho stumbled blindly down the corridor from the General's office toward the Pub. She stumbled several times, holding herself up against the wall before moving on again.
*Jar. Must get to Gummy Fish jar.*
She knew her seekrit stash of Gummy Fish were still behind a keg under the bar. There were lots of them, she assured herself- red ones, green ones, purple ones, yellow ones...all the colours of the lightsabres.
*Almost there*
She replayed the terrible scene in her mind. There she had been, innocently *censoring* the General at his desk, when he casually made that most damndable of comments: the Jacuzzi needed repairing.
*Almost there*
She was so shocked, she could barely concentrate (well, that might not have just been due to the random Jacuzzi comment, she now admitted to herself).
*The Pub! She'd made it!*
It was full of Miners who were removing the old kegs and replacing them with full ones that Liquor Barn had just delivered. And one of the Miners was holding something that looked very much like her jar...her jar...
Of. Gummy. Fish.
*Breathe. BREATHE, DAMMIT!*
And they were eating...eating...eating them.
"Kendra!" Judy snarled at her Padawan as she carefully stepped over Kendra's prone form. "Being dead is no excuse for not shelling these pistachios!"
Longue Lizards
Laure lounged on her chaise longue following a rather spirited session with Guy. He'd just left the office and Laure thought she'd try to get a little rest before Commo was due back.
"I need to talk to you," Darry said from right behind her.
"&^$£"^$£&%^%$%&%^!!!!" screamed Laure, almost rolling off the chaise. "What the hell are you doing in here?" She watched as the drawer to her desk opened by itself and an arm reached in and the not-so-seekrit bottle of wine was withdrawn. "How the hell did you get in here?" Laure's eyes narrowed as the Nurse pulled off her borrowed Invisibility Cloak and opened the wine. Laure scowled. "WHEN did you get in here?"
Darry walked over to a cupboard and took out a wine glass. Laure had almost forgotten those glasses were in there, so often she just cut out the middleman.
The Nurse poured herself a large glass of wine. She walked to the chaise, sat down next to the Wo and handed her the bottle. "Relax, I walked in when that medieval policeman walked out." Darry set the glass on the floor, leaned back and started rifling through the pockets of her Prada trousers.
"No need to ask where you've been," Laure said, holding up the Cloak. Darry withdrew a folded-up piece of parchment. "What's that? And why are you wandering the halls invisibly?"
"This is for you," Darry said, handing the intricately folded note to Laure. "And I'm keeping a low profile because I don't want anyone to know I'm here. Except for you and Dor."
Laure unfolded the note and studied it, absently drinking some wine in her normal fashion. She smirked a couple of times, spluttered, blushed then smiled maniacally. "Whew. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?" She fanned herself with the parchment.
"Ugh." Darry grabbed her glass and stood. "T.M.I. It was bad enough just watching him write the damn thing."
"As much as I appreciate you passing me love letters in study hall, might I ask why you were visiting him in the first place?" Laure was intrigued. Usually the Nurse's forays into the school were for less...vertical pursuits.
"I needed some advice." Darry said.
"Uh-oh," That couldn't anything good.
The Nurse turned and looked at Laure. "I'm going to poison the Dean."
Cuff 'im, Danno!
"Let me just take a few carats off you..." James whispered into Jael's ear as he expertly undid the clasp of her diamond-studded bra.
As he began peeling the garment off of the Geek Art Goddess, she gave him a sly and shy smile (of all the Ho's only Jael knew how to do this). James moved to sweep his arm up in a flourish brandishing the bra and leaving Jael topless, but unfortunately he succeeded only in getting it turned completely around and caught in her hair and his cufflink.
"OW!" Jael wailed as James gave a tentative tug. She smacked him on arm. "Don't do that again."
"I seemed to have grown quite attached to you," Bond said suavely. He set to work on the bit of the bra that was caught in the cuff.
Jael was starting to feel the chill. "Could you move it along, please," she encouraged, trying to cover herself with her other arm that wasn't twisted up in the bra. "It's getting a bit nippy."
Indeed, they were in a tent. In the middle of a rugby pitch. Outside. In December.
"Hold on, my darling," James smirked. "I'm the one who's armed and dangerous." He wiggled his fingers on both hands, something Jael couldn't now do, one arm being unceremoniously trapped around Bond and the other one covering her boobies.
James tried in earnest to disentangle himself but only succeeded in wrapping himself more fully into the damn diamonds. By the end of the shuffling and dancing about, the undergarment could almost be done up around them both, although now their arms were sticking out at odd angles. At least they were now trapped together face-to-face so the temperature of the air was less of a worry.
"I think we're going to need some help." Jael finally admitted. "Let's go see if we can find Dor. She's good with knots."
They both took off in a hurried shuffle to their rights. But as they were face-to-face this motion only served to topple them gracelessly over into Space Dog's water bowl.
Lessons from the Library
"So, quick trip. Thought you were there all week- at least that's what Tav told me." Dor said as she handed the Nurse a jar full of dried caterpillars.
Darry opened the jar and reached in for one. "Yeah, that's what I told him to say if anyone asked. I'll be going back in an hour or so. I don't want anyone to know I'm here. Plus, I- uh- managed to kill two birds with one stone..." The Nurse shook the jar about. "...if you know what I mean."
"Hey, great. How'd you manage that?"
Darry couldn't grasp just a single caterpillar, so she tipped the jar over. Little bugs rained down all over her Jimmy Choo's. "Frak." Darry looked crossly at Dor. "What do you mean 'how'd you manage that?' We managed very well, thank you."
"You know what I mean," Dor clarified. "I thought they didn't get along." Dor bent over and helped the Nurse stuff the caterpillars back into the jar.
"Oh. I just talked them both into meeting me at the same time. Then I showed them your YouTube video on my mobile phone."
"See?!" Xani shouted, leaping out of the coffin. "We ARE an inspiration!"
"And a teaching resource," LP's voice rose above the coffin, even if his body did not.
"Er yes..far be it from me to neglect a young person's education," Darry said absently as she glanced down at her list of ingredients. "I need bat's blood. Got any of that?"
Dor rummaged around in the piano and came up with a small phial. "This is the last of it. You'll need to replace it."
Darry scowled. "Yeah, I'll get right on that. I also need some of Xani's spit."
"WHAT?" Both Xani and Dor said simultaneously. Xani moved over so he was standing behind Darry, looking down at the recipe. "It doesn't say that!"
"I know it doesn't. It just says saliva. I need someone else to blame for this, cause she'll be expecting it from me." Darry explained.
"Well, how the hell would Emmy figure out WHO poisoned her in the first place?" Dor asked, also peering at the recipe.
"Are you kidding? Who else would it be?"
Dor raised her eyebrows.
"Okay, besides you?" Darry admitted. The Nurse ran her finger down the recipe. "Tequila? Can that be right?!"
"I am not going to incur the wrath of the Dean just so you can get back at her for incinerating your centurion." Xani made a face.
"Oh c'mon, Xani." Darry tried to make Wench Doe Eyes (TM) at him and completely failed. "Fine, I'll just purple lightning your entire collection of 'Leather All Stars' magazines." Darry made to walk over to one of the bookshelves.
"Wait!" Xani held up a hand.
"Xani," LP said, finally rising up from the coffin. "Emmy will know it isn't you. She may not like you very much, but she also knows you're not such a complete idiot as try something this stupid."
Darry glared at LP. "Thanks a lot."
"My pleasure." He smiled sweetly. Xani took the proffered Starbucks cup and gracefully spat into it.
"You da man," Darry said, taking back the cup, donning her cloak and walking toward the door.
"Don't I know it," said Xani unhappily.
Bow-dacious
After such a harrowing ordeal, Kendra needed some air. She had come-to in the Pub, inexplicably covered in pistachios with a bunch of Miners tramping over her. Not a completely new experience, she admitted, but how had it happened THIS time?
Then she remembered her plundered Gummy Fish jar. Shuddering, she had risen, grateful to see that Judy had resumed the management of the Pub's restocking. Quietly, the Water Ho had set about re-filling the bar's snack bowls with the obligatory popcorn, peanuts, candy corn and cockroaches (well, the Orcs liked them).
Having finished that task, Kendra thought she'd take a stroll down to the Lake.
But something didn't look right about the Lake. For a start, there was a bloody great hose snaking out of it. This hose (and it was a BIG hose), seemed to be pumping out water and dumping it into the road that ran along the HSU perimeter. Granted, that would just end up flooding the grounds of Wanker College, which wouldn't be a bad thing, but WHY WERE THEY PUMPING ALL THE WATER OUT OF THE LAKE?!
Feeling light-headed, Kendra ran toward the small group of people clustered around the hose. As she did, she passed Jael and James tied together with something what looked sparkly and risqué..., staggering haphazardly toward the main building.
But Kendra had no time for that now. As she neared the Lake's edge, Capt. Jack shouted "AHA! The rum! THAT'S where it's been!" He hoisted out the half-submerged chest and turned to the Elf, who was standing beside him. "If you need any swashes buckled, I'll be with Laure." Then he sidled away almost as gracefully as Jael and Bond had done.
"WHAT is going on?!" Kendra asked her Elf as she hurried up to him, Qui-Gon, the HSU Fire Department and the guy from Roto-Rooter.
"Slight accident," said Boromir, rolling his eyes toward Legolas. The Elf haughtily ignored him.
"Well?" Kendra demanded of her blond archer. Archer. Archers had bows and arrows. Next to Legolas' leg rested a quiver of arrows. "Where's your bow?" Kendra asked.
"drdenlke," Legolas mumbled.
"Huh?" Kendra asked, becoming more hysterical the shallower the Lake became.
"I said I drffitinthlke." Legolas stared heroically off into the distance.
"Dammit, just speak English, you peroxided pixie!" Kendra shouted.
"He said he dropped it in the frakking Lake!" Boromir shouted, clapping the Elf heartily on the back.
Hair It Is
"Dande! I said that's enough!" Ellie grabbed one of her EF's arms and yanked. HARD.
"No, Ellie. The hair was easy. I really think we could do a lot with those brows. You know, make him look a little less......Slavic." Dande grabbed Viktor's other arm and yanked. HARDER.
"OW!!!"
Ellie dragged Viktor (and Dande) toward the Salon door. Dande called upon all of her Collective's strength and pulled them both back toward the chair.
"You take my arms out!" Victor cried at the two women as he tried to stand his ground.
"He. Needs. Those. Arms!" Ellie shouted at the Wench. She pulled again with all her might.
"He needs good grooming more," Dande said calmly, pulling back just as hard.
"This is not very Wench-like behaviour!" Ellie countered, not letting go an inch.
"This is not good behaviour for you, too!" shouted Viktor to his Ho. Then he turned to Dande. "Wench Lady, I thank you for haircut but I leave now." Victor pulled his arm forcefully from Dande's grip and yanked his other arm out of Ellie's grasp for good measure. Then he straightened his tunic and purposely stomped out of the Salon and down the stairs.
Dande stared at the door for a moment and then turned to Ellie. "Coffee?"
"Oh, yes, please."
Thirty minutes and one double espresso later...
Gone in 60 Snicts
Darry hissed back into her spare cell phone. "If you don't want me reduced to a useless puddle of goo in this frakking corridor, then stop that shit and speak English!"
Pause.
"Yes, well, I'm on my way back- just going to get my car." The Nurse rounded the corner, leaving the Administration Building and heading over toward the massive HSU Garage.
Pause.
"No don't, 'cause he'll break the damn thing and I only have two. You, at least, know how to use a pho-" She never finished the sentence. "What the FRAK?! WHERE THE FRAK IS MY FRAKKING CAR?!"
Pause.
"That was a rhetorical question, you dolt. I don't believe this! Shit! Listen...just...er...start without me." The Nurse snapped her phone closed. She was really pissed off now. This whole caper was not going smoothly.
At least she didn't see a smouldering pile of ash where she had parked her car.
Still hidden, Darry hurried back into the Admin Building and stomped none-too-subtly toward the Vet's Clinic. Throwing the door open, she scanned the room for Ellie. She finally found the Vet engaged in a thorough examination of one of her animals.
"Ellie! Where is my Beemer?" Darry threw off her Cloak and the Vet threw off her animal.
"Omph!"
"Shit, boss! You nearly gave me a heart attack." Ellie yanked up the dog blanket which had been draped over the exam table and covered herself with. "I don't know. In the Garage?"
"No, it is not in the Garage!" Darry fumed, glaring. "Is anyone away from the campus at the moment?"
Ellie thought for a minute. "No..." Wait, there had been that e-mail from the Dean about Nordstrom's, hadn't there? "Er.... think maybe Emmy and her new driver may have taken it," Ellie said sheepishly. "Evidently he has a thing for BMWs."
Darry was incredulous. "What do I look like- the Scott Summers Rent-a-Car Agency?" There was a snort from under the table. "How the hell am I...?" The Nurse leaned back slightly and glared toward the floor. "Logan, have you got a fast car?"
"No, I've got a fast bike, and you're not having it." Logan stood up, pulling his trousers on at the same time.
"God, I think I've gone blind," Darry muttered, turning away. Logan sat down next to Ellie. Darry began pacing. She needed her car... she had to go find a replacement guard and then get back to the School before it was curfew or nap-time or whatever they had there. Suddenly inspired, Darry swivelled back around to face the table. "Ellie, I need your EF!"
"Whyyyyyy?" Ellie said, suspicion dripping through every "y".
"Because I said so!" Ellie raised her eyebrows. "Not for that! I've got enough on my plate as it is. I need him to take me to run some errands, and he's faster than anything else I could steal from that Garage." Dubious snarl. "Okay, aside from Mr Whiskers' bike." Darry conceded.
Snict!
"Kidding, kidding! Sheesh," Darry said, throwing the Cloak back over herself.
"All right. He's out watching the rugby." Ellie said. "But you promise- no funny business."
"Funny is the last thing this business is going to be," Darry's voice said from the office door.
Diamonds Aren't Forever
As soon as the occupants of the Library had stopped laughing, Dor had a good look at the mess Jael and Bond had made of themselves.
"Pelham," she called. LP strolled over to the trio. "You're the knot expert. What do you think?" LP walked around the tangled pair.
"I'd just cut the damn thing off," he said irritably. Then he walked back to the television and plopped back down in front of American Gladiators.
"Well, that was helpful," Jael said. "Dor, could you hurry up? It's getting cold in here." The couple attempted to follow Dor about the room as she paced, but they couldn't get into a rhythm and ended up just lurching around.
Dor looked up. "You're right. It is." She walked over to the large inglenook fireplace and threw some more logs onto flames. "Brrrr!"
Xani got up off the sofa. "I need a sweater," he groused and walked toward the stacks.
"Uh, any chance that this might be sorted soon? I have a card game lined up in the Pub," James informed them. Then he shivered. "What the hell is wrong with this place?"
Dor thought for a minute and walked over to the hole in the wall between the Clinic and the Library. No one had fixed it since the last time it had blown up, although someone had attempted to put some plastic sheeting over it. Dor swept this aside and shouted into the Clinic. "Hey! Moony!"
Lupin, in human form, appeared at the hole. He was wrapped in a duvet and had a mouthful of food.
"Whathd?"
"The Nurse has a new guard, doesn't she?" Dor narrowed her eyes.
Lupin swallowed. "What gave you that idea?"
"Hand it over," Dor ordered and held out her hand. Lupin just looked at it. "C'mon, I've got an emergency over here!" Lupin reached into his jacket pocket and handed over two large Cadbury's bars. Then he glanced at Jael and James, who were trying to look through the hole but succeeded only in bending over so far that they fell at his feet.
"Evening," James said, looking up.
"Evening. Nice outfit." Lupin answered.
Five minutes later, James and Jael (now wearing one of Dor's AC/DC t-shirts), left the Library feeling cold and hopeless, but at least free of the Bra from Hell.
Ho-ller Coaster
"CAL!" Judy's voice echoed through the Pub. The Pub's refurbishments were almost complete. Judy had replaced the bar with a flash new one, added new tables, a new 65-inch flat-screen television and a brand new dart board.
And 100 gross of new coasters. They were carefully though precariously stacked up on the bar.
"Yes?" Cal came skidding into the bar, nearly tripping over Cic, the OG and a bunch of other Romans.
"-and I could swear I could feel someone squeezing my butt," Cal heard Cic say as he sloppily dodged the Other General's outstretched legs.
"Cal, I need you to go get me some more tequila. I can't believe I've run out of it so quickly!" Judy was cross her stock had already started walking out the door. Which was NOT something her coasters were going to do again. Ever.
As if on cue, the Dean's PA strode through the door. "You rang?" he said indignantly, walking and tapping up to the bar.
Judy held up a hand to him, still talking to Cal. "And ask Laure for that case of blood she was going to give me. I need to finish that vat of cocktails for the Orc-fest tonight. Oh, and get me some more chocolate. Dor came in and took all mine."
Wishing he could hex Judy's manicure into next week, Lucius delicately cleared his throat. "Ahem. I'm very busy; I'd appreciate not being made to wait."
Judy turned to the PA, scoffing. "What are you busy with? The Dean's out shopping with her driver. I know for a fact you were sitting in her office, drinking her coffee and watching What Not To Wear."
Lucius looked affronted. "I was asked to keep an eye on the Nurse, but seeing as she's nowhere to be found, I thought I would claim back some overtime."
"I know where the Nurse ithhhh-" Judy clapped a hand over Cal's mouth.
"Do you see these coasters?" Judy said to Lucius. They were hard to miss as every inch of the new bar was covered with them.
"Ye-es," said Lucius as condescendingly as he could.
Judy took her hand away from Cal's mouth and wiped it on her jeans. "I want you to make it so they can't leave the Pub. You know, like in a store when you buy something with a security tag on it."
Lucius sighed. "Oh, very well." He removed his wand from the top of his cane and twirled it about at the coasters a couple of times. "Solo Publica!" he exclaimed. All of the coasters glowed green for a moment and then reverted back to their normal state.
Judy threw one to Quintus. "Here, try to leave the Pub with that." The Roman lieutenant got up from his chair and walked to the door. As soon as he tried to cross the threshold, the coaster once again glowed green and Quintus hissed and dropped it.
"OW! That burned my hand!" He shook his hand about. The OG threw him some ice out of his rum and coke. Quintus sat back down, glaring at Judy.
"Brilliant. Thanks!" Judy said to Lucius.
Cal wanted to get away. He figured he'd be the next guinea pig. "Right, so that's tequila, blood and chocolate...I'll just write that down." He reached toward the bar for a pencil and paper and knocked into a pile of coasters. This pile knocked over the next pile and so on and so on until the combined domino effect had dumped all 14,400 coasters onto the floor.
Judy's mouth tightened into an angry line. Then she calmly grabbed Lucius' cane and smacked Cal upside the head with it.
Brake Out
"BONZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
fLaked Out
"There, there." Dande laid a cold compress comfortingly on Kendra's brow. The Water Ho was seated on a lawn chair, her feet dangling in a cheap plastic paddling pool from which a tentacle occasionally emerged. "Have another cup of absinth tea," the Wench said, handing Kendra a tall glass full of green liquid, ice cubes and a Crazy Straw &trade...
Kendra delicately toed a couple of suckers back into the pool. "Won't be long," she assured the squid. Indeed, the HSU Fire Department was in the process of refilling the Lake. As soon as they figured out how to connect the hose to the hydrant. They seemed to have gotten a little bored with the whole plan and were now talking about who should go for drinks.
Qui-Gon came out to Dande's side, leading a small girl on a small pony. "She wants you to read her a story," he said to his Wench.
Kendra looked up despondently. "Cara probably wants a story too." Dande gave her a last pitying look and led her daughter and her mount away. Qui-Gon sat down in Dande's vacated chair.
Out at the empty Lake, the firemen had finally turned on the water and started aiming the hose at one another rather than the dried Lake bed.
"She's getting so big," Qui-Gon said.
"Which one?" Kendra said despondently.
"Cara," Qui-Gon said a bit testily through his teeth. "Do you think she'd like a little brother or sister?"
"HUH?" Kendra turned and looked at Qui-Gon. "Are you thinking of having more?"
"We've...discussed it, but it can put such a damper on my Jedi training, not to mention our sex life-"
Kendra gasped and clutched at her chest. "STOP! I can't deal with anymore Whatevers today!" Out of the corner of her eye, the Water Ho noticed motion coming from the Admin building.
It looked like an army of Orcs.
Dancing in a conga line.
Wearing designer shoes.
"Well, there's something you don't see everyday," Qui-Gon remarked.
Kendra slowly slid from the chair into the paddling pool for a reassuring cuddle with the squid.
Off On the Wrong Foot
Well past curfew:
"Da Da, Da, da-da-daaa, da-da-daaa." (Imperial March, in case that wasn't obvious)
"...wha?...uh...that machine is making noise."
"Di you say snthi......?"
"That machine you were talking into is playing music." Shuffling. "Turn it off- I'm trying to sleep."
"So am I." More shuffling. "Darry, wake up! Your phone is ringing."
"Huh?"
"Phone!" In unison.
"Oh, bloody hell." Darry reached down toward her Louis Vuitton and rifled through it without opening her eyes. After trying to answer her iPod, she found the phone. "This better be important."
"Oh good, you're still alive. Now the Dean will get a chance to kill you," Dor said back to her.
There was a sound of annoyed scuffling and then Laure's voice spoke. "You know that poison you were making?"
"Yeeeesss? What about it?"
"Did you put anything in it that seemed a little...odd...you know, for a poison?"
Darry yawned. "You mean aside from the dried caterpillars and bat's blood?"
"Yeah."
"Xani's saliva?"
"No."
"Tequila?"
"Ooh, have you got tequila?"
"What's tequila?"
"Zip it. Laure, where are you going with this?"
"Er, the tequila was actually a request, not an ingredient. You weren't supposed to add it to the poison... you were supposed to bring back a bottle of it for Snape."
"Then why didn't he just say so?" Darry threw an arm over her eyes. "Tell him to go down to Liquor Barn and buy it himself!"
"I will, but because you put that in too, the poison you made has backfired a bit," Laure said.
"And you're completely buuuuu-ggered," Xani sang in the background.
"What's happened?" Darry asked and struggling to sit up. She wasn't surprised that this little endeavour had gone tits-up; no stunt she had pulled against the Dean ever went as planned. Dammit.
"The Orcs drank most of it," Laure said matter-of-factly.
Darry smiled slightly at the mental image...Judy must be going ape-shit. "Oh well, can't be helped."
"And since the poison was aimed at Emmy, the Orcs kinda homed in on that. Didn't you know how this poison worked?" Laure was sceptical the Nurse had given it much thought.
"What do I care? As long as it didn't kill the Dean but just made her very uncomfortable, I wasn't too fussed about the mechanics of it." Darry replied, waving her hand in a dismissive fashion.
"OW!"
"Well, she's uncomfortable, all right." Laure said. "After drinking the stuff, the Orcs raided Emmy's shoe collection. We now have an Orc army wearing every single pair of designer shoes the Dean owns." Laure explained.
Darry thought for a moment. "Result!" Maybe this had worked out better than she planned.
~*~
Back at HSU, Emmy stood in the Nurse's walk-in wardrobe holding up a Stella McCartney pencil skirt. "And this would look stunning with that silk blouse," she gushed as she handed the garment to a pleased-looking, slobbering goblin who strode off cackling.
The Dean looked up at the long line of customers. "Okay, who's next?"