Title: HSU Immensely Ridiculous
By: Darry
Rating: JCS- just completely silly
Disclaimer: We don't own anything except the deed to HSU. And all the shoes therein.
~*~
CHAPTER One- Guard Rail
"Where are they?" Darry stared at the discarded box lying on the floor outside the Clinic.
"They're right there," Cic replied pointing at the little packets littering the hallway.
"Not the Band Aids, the Guards!" Darry stomped up and down the hall for a couple of minutes whilst Cic gathered up the little plasters and put them back into the box. The couple had just left the Clinic to go get a pitcher of margaritas at Happy Hour in the Pub. (Kendra had refused to deliver as she said there was some sort of Water Ho emergency at the Lake.) The hall outside the Clinic seemed empty without the silent, ominous, intimidating and very RED presence of Darry's Imperial Guard, a gift from her friendly, neighbourhood pharmaceutical rep.
The Nurse thought aloud as she paced. "Who would be audacious enough?" Ellie wouldn't touch them; she knew better. "Who would be stupid enough?" The Guards wouldn't listen to Cal. "Who would have the balls to risk pissing me off THIS MUCH?!" She stopped walking, spun on her well-heeled heel and stalked toward the Administration Wing.
Cic headed to the Pub, wanting no part of this.
*
Darry fumed towards the Dean's office. She barged into the PA's door, not really caring if the glass window shattered or not.
Inside a black-robed man with long platinum hair reclined in a large leather chair behind a desk on which his FM boots were resting.
Darry breezed right past him and banged on the Dean's office door. "Oy! Ho! I need to have words with you."
"Go away!" came the response from the inner office. "There, those were two of my best ones!" There was a long pause. "Lucius, is she gone?"
The man at the desk didn't look up from the newspaper he was reading. "No," he replied flatly.
"Let me in this instant, you thief! I know my Guard is in there with you. I can see them through the frosted glass!" Darry was almost steaming.
The Dean shouted back. "If you want to see me in a professional capacity, you'll need to make an appointment; I'm a busy woman!" From outside the office, Darry could hear the volume turned up on Celebrity Rehab.
"Let. Me. In!"
"Lucius! Can't you do something about her?" Emmy called from within.
The bored-looking wizard sighed and reluctantly put down his newspaper. Then with a flourish, hoping to get the drop on Darry, he leapt from his chair, brandished his wand and shouted: "Petrificus totalis"!
The Nurse glared at him.
And then angrily tapped a Jimmy Choo.
Lucius wound up and tried again "Crucio!"
Darry examined her nails.
"No, can't help you!" Lucius called back to Emmy. Then he sat down, put his feet back up on the desk and resumed reading.
Darry kicked in the door, which was open anyway.
*
"They go with the Chair," Emmy said, idly stirring the froth on her venti, double-shot skinny, vanilla mint-mocha, half-caf, Frappu-Cappu-Esspresso.
"Are you out of your mind?" Darry tapped the other Jimmy Choo in a very irritating way. "They're MINE!"
"Well," Emmy said, carefully disposing of her stirrer in the Chair's waste receptacle. "as they belong with the owner of the Chair, I think you'll find they're mine."
Purple lightning sparked from the Nurse's manicure, but she knew that wouldn't work against the Dean. No magic or Force-related anything worked against the Hos except their own oft-practiced clumsiness and stupidity. "And what am I supposed to use for guarding the Clinic until I get these ones back?"
"I suggest you find yourself some replacements." Emmy drained her cup of coffee and smacked it down on her executive desk.
Darry stared at the Dean. Then her eyes moved to the logo on the cup. "Fine," she sneered through gritted teeth.
~*~
CHAPTER 2- Squick the Wench
Meanwhile, Laure hesitated at the Library door. She had intended to leave this most important of books with one of the Imperial Guards which were normally stationed outside of the Clinic, but they seemed to be curiously missing.
Laure glanced at her watch and then opened the book and quickly scanned her erratic schedule. THIS is why she had told the Nurse she would drop this book off: Laure really needed an appointments secretary. She knew Darry would do it, as of all the women on the campus, Laure had the most blackmail material on the Nurse and Darry knew it.
Laure looked at her watch again and then just for good measure glanced out the window. She only had a few minutes before Spike would arrive for his…er…session. Not particularly wanting to involve herself in any way with the Library or its occupants, but needing to get this book out of the office before one of her EAs saw it, she knocked.
The sound of breaking glass came back at her through the door. She tried again. This time she heard muffled phrases:
"…can't find the damned key…"
"…not the door, these bloody handcuffs!"
"Don't answer it."
"Well, turn the camera off, first, at least."
Laure thought again about legging it. Finally the great oak door creaked open a crack and Dor's face appeared.
"Whoever you are, what the frak do you want?" Xani's voice shouted out before Dor could open her mouth. She turned around and hissed back at the Graysider.
"It's Laure."
"Oh," Xani walked up behind her and pulled open the door. The Librarian seemed to be wearing only a crimson sheet, but Laure wasn't looking at her. She was looking at Xani, who was dressed in black leather boots.
Just black leather boots.
LP was more formally dressed: his hair was tied up in a lavender ribbon.
"Meep…" Laure said.
"Hi, Laure," Dor said, striding back to a tripod on which sat a video camera. "C'mon in."
"Uh…no, thanks." Laure looked around the room. It looked pretty much the same as usual- gothic but incredibly BRIGHT. That was mostly due to a huge stage light and screen set up behind the coffin. "What…er…are you doing?"
"We're going to be famous!" LP insisted, leaning stylishly against the piano. Half of Dor's dragon was dozing under it. Small plumes of smoke rose from his nostrils with every exhale.
"Dor," Laure said with a cautionary tone, "you're not doing something even more incredibly stupid than usual, are you??"
Dor looked insulted. "What do you mean?"
Laure started counting on her fingers "Setting fire to the Library. Setting fire to the Clinic. Setting fire to the hallway. Demolishing a wall. Demolishing the wall again. Dabbling in the Dark Arts. Raising the dead. Raising the Cigarette-Smoking Man. Bringing a goat into the building. I'm pretty sure you turned Cal into something rather nasty. And that was just the summer of 2000. Do you want me to go on?"
"Not particularly, no."
Laure glared. "Then out with it."
Xani posed himself behind Dor. "It should be perfectly obvious that we're making a film."
"I can see that," said Laure, with what seemed like infinite patience to the casual observer. The others knew better. "Why?"
"I just thought I needed another outlet for my creative energies," insisted Dor. "That way I might be less likely to set fire to something. It's for YouTube. It's called Squick the Wench. See, it's all about Xani and LP and me and how we like to-"
Laure held up a hand. "Stop! I get the idea."
The Librarian looked hurt; she was keen to describe her creative vision.
"Well, in that case, I'll just drop off this book and ask that you pass it on to the Nurse the next time you see her. She'll know what it's for." Laure began to back out of the door. The sun was almost below the horizon and she still needed to reapply her lip gloss. "Don' spill…anything on it, either!" she shouted at the door as it closed in her face.
The last thing Laure saw was Draco waking himself up with a tremendous sneeze and setting the piano on fire.
~*~
CHAPTER 3-Bartending & Bond
"Just knock on the door. Cic'll let you in," Darry said quickly before turning away. Kendra wheeled her delivery trolley back to the Clinic door and knocked.
"BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK! BARK!"
There was a lot of bustling and scuffling behind the door. Cic's normally soft voice shouted "DOWN! DOWN! It's just the door! Er…Colonel Tavington, take him back in there and show him this." More barking and scuffling ensued. Finally, a dishevelled-looking Servant opened the door. "Oh, good afternoon, Mistress Kendra."
"Hi, Cic," Kendra said, glancing over his shoulder where she could see a large wolf jumping up and down next to a very annoyed looking man in Georgian uniform, who was holding up a bright yellow Frisbee. "Delivery." Kendra unpacked a large bottle of Stolis, a jar of olives, a large jug of cider, another of ale and a box wrapped in colourful paper with a ribbon tied around it. "There you go."
"Thank you, Mistress," Cic replied as he quickly shut the door. The barking became more insistent.
Kendra turned to go. As she did, she spared a glance at the Nurse, who was in the process of signing something on a clipboard. Darry handed the delivery receipt back to a tall leggy blonde. "Lifetime guarantee," the blonde said as she folded up the paper and stuck it into the top of her tight red dress.
"Yeah, I knew there'd be some catch," Darry muttered, as she set off to find Cal and a forklift.
*
Kendra raised her arm to knock at the Library but just then she heard Dor call out.
"Yeah! Perfect! Now, go for the money shot!"
The Water Ho decided just to leave the Librarian's delivery by the door.
*
"How's the new guy?" Laure asked as Kendra handed her an extra-large bottle of merlot and another of B+.
Kendra didn't look up from her unloading. "At first he was brilliant. We had him walking in and out of the lake all day. Just gorgeous."
Laure opened the package of milk chocolate covered pretzels and began nibbling.
"And?"
"And now, he's in the Pub annoying the hell out of Judy. He keeps asking her to make all these different drinks with ingredients no one ever uses of and insists on naming them all after her, saying each one is better than the last. Judy's got a General appointment in half and hour and I'm gonna have to sit there and listen to him while she's busy. He's got a really sexy voice," Kendra admitted as she took the pretzel Laure proffered and continued to talk around it "…but now we're running out of stock, I'm behind schedule, The Elf needs grooming and honestly, how many times could YOU hear someone say 'Ooh, that's nice, I think I'll call that one…a Laure.'?" Kendra rolled her eyes.
Laure figured about a gazillion.
"Anyway, I've got a load more stops but thanks for the pretzel." Kendra continued down the hall.
*
"Have I forgotten anything?" Kendra finished unpacking the last of the syrup bottles and Emmy carefully placed them into their correct slots in the Chair. "Oh yeah, here you go," she absently placed a large jar of maraschino cherries onto the desk.
The Dean looked at them like they were the entrails of whatever it was that Ellie had living under her bed. "I don't think so," she sat down in the chair imperiously. Her Guard took a threatening step toward Kendra.
The Water Ho looked confused. "Oh, sheesh! I must have mixed those up with the Nurse's delivery. Just exchange them for whatever I left with her that shouldn't be there." Kendra didn't have time for this; she hurried out of the Dean's office and into the outer office.
"Here," Lucius handed Kendra a flat rectangular object.
"Thanks, that's brilliant!" she said. "I'm sure my Master will love it."
"Yes, I'm sure she will, too," said Lucius snidely, holding out his hand.
"What?" Kendra exclaimed eyeing the clock on the wall above the PA.
"I believe you had something for me?"
"Ask the Dean. I've given her everything for the office." Kendra hurriedly pushed the trolley from the room and toward the Pub, trying to get there before Judy ran out of patience or Crème de Menthe or both.
*
Judy leaned her elbow on the bar, her chin resting in her hand. She idly flicked her eyes up to the Pub's clock, a simple round black and white affair, but decoratively enhanced with plastic chilli pepper fairy lights, a thong and several very wayward darts.
"Hmmm…" Bond murmured, sitting at the bar opposite, savouring her latest concoction. "I think I'll call this… a Judith." He smiled and his blue eyes twinkled at her.
Judy sighed heavily. An hour and a half ago she had told James that although she was monumentally flattered, she was a one-man Ho. He seemed intent on trying to change that. She was as practiced at indifference when dealing with men who had (albeit well-deserved) over-inflated egos as he was at breaking down women who were practiced at indifference when dealing with men who had (albeit well-deserved) over-inflated egos. As Judy pondered the grammatical intricacies of that last thought, she blindly reached behind her and grabbed a bottle each of Malibu, Frangelica and Jagameister. As Bond watched, she poured equal measures of all into a glass, added crushed ice and mint leaves and topped it all off with diet Dr Pepper. As an afterthought, she chucked in a little bamboo umbrella and a lit sparkler.
"Thank you," said Bond, sotto voce. He took a sip. Judy barely took passing interest of how the paper umbrella stabbed him in the eye and sparkler singed his hair. "Hmmm…I think I'll call this..."he paused for affect…"a Judith."
Judy had another glance at the clock, not for the first time wondering what had become of her Padawan.
*
"Right, I think that should just about do it." Darry stood back and inspected her handiwork. Two Cylon centurions flanked the Clinic door. Each one had an automatic weapon where a hand should be, whilst their other hands were proper centurion hands. The one to the left of the door held its arm up at a right angle and its hand flat. In it rested a box of Band Aids.
Darry looked in turn to each of their steadily moving glowing red eyes. "Remember: shoot to kill." Satisfied, she turned to enter the Clinic. She recalled that Kendra had made the Pub delivery today and was she was keen to get started on an early cocktail hour.
"Oy, Nurse!" The Dean, who had been on her way to the Pub for margaritas came up behind her, followed by her PA, who tapped a heavy walking stick beside him for ominous effect. "Take these horrible things away and give me whatever it was that Kendra delivered to you by mistake?"
Darry looked at the jar of maraschino cherries the Dean was holding with barely concealed disgust. "Wha-? Oh, hold on a minute." She made to open the door but only managed to push it in a few inches when a huge paw came through it at her. "GET BACK!" She shouted at the wolf, who it seemed, was pulled inside by someone in the Clinic. Darry opened the door more fully. Cic was holding Lupin by the collar in order for Darry to enter the room. "Is there anything here for the 'Deeeean'?" she asked Cic.
Cic motioned to the exam table, trying to hold Lupin at bay. The wolf pushed away and immediately rushed at Darry, jumping up and trying to lick her face. "GERROFF!"
"A collar?" Lucius asked, raising an elegant eyebrow.
"Ellie insisted," Darry replied, breathlessly shoving off the affectionate animal. Indeed, Lupin now wore a cheery collar with two little bone-shaped tags hanging from it. One identified him and where he lived and the other assured everyone that he was up-to-date with his vaccinations. And whilst Ellie had immunised him when he was still in human shape, she had agreed to wait until he had turned into a wolf before fitting his collar. For which he was grateful.
"ACK!" Lupin, thinking that the bright wrapping on the box was an indicator that it contained some new and wonderful squeezy toy, made a leap for the box, which flew out of Darry's hand and into the hall, where it landed at one of the centurion's large metal feet. "Give that to them," Darry shouted at it, indicating Emmy and Lucius, whislt trying to fend off the drool. The centurion extended its free arm and picked up the package, grasping it so tightly that the box crumpled, covering the centurion's hand with the contents.
Emmy looked over at it. The ribbon had "Honeydukes" embroidered along its length. She certainly didn't remember ordering anything from there. "That's not mine," she said defiantly, looking at the Nurse, who had slammed the door shut and come out to inspect the package.
"No, it was mine," Lucius said with a mixture of irritation and disappointment. He'd gone to considerable trouble to arrange the exchange that had procured him this box and had provided Kendra with the surprise gift for her boss. "My firewhisky filled chocolate-frogs…"
The Dean and the Nurse exchanged a look and then both turned to Lucius.
"Bummer," they said simultaneously.
~*~
CHAPTER 4- Puff's Parlour
Laure pulled her reluctant vampire along the immaculate cobbled walkway that led to the Cottage. Since the sun had gone down, he was quite happy to be out and about, but would have much rather have been out and about in the Pub. Instead, his Wo was bringing him for a - what had she called it? "Follicular Consultation".
Laure hauled Spike up the steps to the porch, upon which stood buckets full of daffodils. He felt a deep-seated urge to kick them over, but refrained. Laure knocked on the door- now adorned with an enormous "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" sign.
The door was opened immediately by Qui-Gon. "Yes…?" He asked and then shuddered fiercely. He had suddenly felt a strong and reactive disturbance in the Force.
It hadn't come from Laure or even the rather cross-looking undead man standing next to her. It seemed, instead, to be coming from the Library.
"You don't want to know," said Laure, interpreting his uneasiness and yanking Spike through the door.
*
Dande was in the cottage extension which had been re-decorated into a salon. By the door was a lectern upon which rested an embroidered diary. On the walls were mirrors, the obligatory photos of hair models and lots and lots of unnecessary ornamentation. Along one wall sat three comfortable chairs, a cappuccino machine and a coffee table littered with magazines. In addition, the salon had a sink, two seated dryers and a counter laden with hair-styling accoutrements. In front of the counter stood a hairdresser's chair.
Covered in chintz.
"I don't know why you brought me here; I could do this myself," Spike groused under his breath.
"Yes, you could and it would look crap," said Laure, smiling as the Wench, her hands protected in pink latex gloves covered in peroxide, drifted over to them.
"Ah, have a seat, I'll be with you in just a moment." Dande then wafted back to The Elf in the chintz chair and continued to wrap his tresses up in little foil packets.
Laure and Spike sat in the comfortable chairs and started perusing the magazine selection. Of course there were the obligatory girlie mags- Hello, Glamour, Cosmo and The National Enquirer, as well as a more personalised selection- Big Cat Diary, Dripping Wet, and the current Men of Ladder 52 calendar.
Dande, not only knowing what made for good business, also knew a lot about what men want. Therefore, she had also subscribed to The Rivendell Rag, Guns & Ammo, The Daily Prophet, What Coliseum? and some sort of newsletter that Laure couldn't decipher as it was written in hieroglyphics.
*
Later, Kendra had been called in to take over the plaiting of her Elf's hair (a long process that Dande left to the Ho, as it was one of the few times Kendra could actually get her hands on him).
The Wench sat down with Laure and Spike. Just as she did, Judy unceremoniously pushed James into the salon.
"Industrial accident," she explained and then hurried out in order to cover the bar until Kendra finished. Bond smiled at the assembled group. Then he sat down on the remaining comfy chair and picked up a cufflinks catalogue.
Ten seconds later, Emmy walked in with Lucius. "Need an appointment."
Dande smiled apologetically and said, "I'm in a consultation. Kendra, perhaps you could schedule this gentleman-"
Laure snorted.
"-an appointment." Dande finished.
Kendra rose, still holding a long strand of Legolas' hair, and walked over to the lectern. The Elf had no choice but to follow, moving almost sideways and hunched over, lest Kendra pulled too hard. Without dropping her "leash", Kendra regarded the book. "Tomorrow lunchtime okay?" she asked the Dean.
"Works for me," Emmy replied. With a quick glance at Bond, she and Lucius headed toward the door, stopping only for coffee on the way out.
*
Ellie gave Logan an affection scratch behind his left ear as Dande whisked off the drape covering him. Then she set to work brushing off all the little hairs on the back of his neck.
Logan growled at both women and quickly got up from the chair and stuck a cigar into his mouth.
"I know you know that you can't light that in here," Dande reminded him. "After all, you're a smart…man."
"Yeah, sure," Logan grumbled and made for the door, leaving Ellie to thank the Wench.
"He loves it, really," Ellie assured her.
"I know, darling. You'll just never have an alpha admit to it." Dande smiled as she handed Cal the broom.
Ellie followed Logan out of the salon, whilst Dande turned her attention to her next customer. The General.
"Please have a seat, Obi-Wan," Dande indicated the barber's chair around which Cal was tidying up.
It would go a lot faster if Cal didn't continually stop to pick up his braid from among the discarded hair clippings. That instant glue stuff he'd found in the Library didn't seem to be working. Come to think of it, he wasn't sure now if it had been glue. Most glue he'd used in the past didn't smell of passion fruit. Perhaps he should have looked at label more clearly.
"Make yourself, comfortable, General," Dande said as Obi-Wan eased himself into the chair, trying hard to ignore Cal. "Can I get you some-" Dande turned toward the coffee maker but was surprised to see Judy furiously sifting through the magazines on the table. Then the Bartender turned and began rummaging around in a potted palm behind the door.
"Er…Judy?" Dande floated over toward the Ho. "Is there something I can help you with?"
"No, no, I'm good," Judy replied, now looking under the chairs' seat cushions. The Bartender was holding what looked like a very old piece of parchment in her hand and kept referring to it before targeting another piece of furniture.
The General swivelled around in the chair, which banged into Cal from the back, sending his braid flying once again. He quickly attempted to restore it. "Judith?" Obi-Wan asked. "What is that?" Judy walked over to him and held out the parchment.
"It's a present from Kendra. I think she's sucking up for raise. It's called a Marauder's Map." The paper showed an aerial diagram of the University buildings and grounds. Here and there bright red "x"s could be seen. Some of them appeared to be moving.
"What are those?" asked Dande, pointing at one of the "x"s.
"My coasters. The keep mysteriously walking out of the Pub." The Bartender glowered. They kept "walking" out because people kept absently walking out with them. She's lost count how many times one had been used as a replacement poker chip, Frisbee, improvised pirate eye-patch and party-favour. "I'm sick of ordering more and they don't grow on trees, you know."
Neither the Wench nor the General had the heart to make the classic joke of pointing out how they actually DID grow on trees, being made mostly of recycled comic books Darry stole from Laure's room and then sold back to the manufacturer.
"And there's one hiding here, somewhere. It's just that the map's scale isn't small enough to indicate exactly where it is." Judy resumed her rummaging, looking in drawers full of curlers, hair clips, electric hair styling tools and even the jar full of blue stuff containing combs. "A-HA!"
Dande and Obi-Wan looked up at her. The coaster was under the jar.
Covered in chintz.
The Wench blanched. "Oh, I hadn't wanted to get rings on the counter," she said in a small voice.
"Dande, I admire your care and attention to the safety and appearance of the place, but I need this." Judy carefully folded up the map and left the salon.
Cal, who had just stood dumbly throughout this whole exchange, made to resume brushing, but knocked the broom against the counter quite hard. The jar of blue stuff rattled off the counter and crashed onto the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces and sending glass and coloured liquid everywhere. Cal looked down at the mess in front of him.
Then his braid fell into it.
~*~
CHAPTER 5- Children & Animals
LvsBdBys: Need you to be my Appointments Secretary.
PrpLtngYrAz: Piss off.
LvsBdBys: I can't do it. Commo will find the book and I'll be given to the tigers for tea.
PrpLtngYrAz: And this is a bad thing how?
LvsBdBys: Look, just do it. Or I'm telling.
PrpLtngYrAz: Telling what? To whom? As if I care.
LvsBdBys: Telling the General about what you're doing with Palpy. Telling Cic what you're doing with Palpy. Telling Emmy what you're doing with her PA.
PrpLtngYrAz: I'm not doing a damn thing with Emmy's PA!!!
LvsBdBys: You're obviously trying to get something out of him. Who re-ordered his chocolates? C'mon, what is it?
PrpLtngYrAz: None of your damn business.
LvsBdBys: You know I can find out; I have connections, too. Where do you think I got that bottle of repellent to keep Lupin from chewing on your shoes?
PrpLtngYrAz: …
LvsBdBys: Hello?
PrpLtngYrAz: Bugger.
LvsBdBys: Book? Scheduling?
PrpLtngYrAz: Yeah, yeah, all right. But I'm giving it to Tav. He needs something to do other than trying to marshal the OG's men. They just keep laughing at his hair and asking what a musket is.
LvsBdBys: Tav, then, fine. Just give him my cell number and tell him to keep the book out of my office.
PrpLtngYrAz: Whatever.
LvsBdBys: And remind him about Spike's hours.
PrpLtngYrAz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know this…"connection" of yours? Think he'd do me a favour?
LvsBdBys: Give it a rest, you perv. Where are you, anyway? I thought your computer wasn't working after Lupin chewed through the cabling.
PrpLtngYrAz: It isn't working; I'm in the Dean's office.
LvsBdBys: Are you crazy???
PrpLtngYrAz: It's all right, she's in the Pub and Lucius is at the salon.
LvsBdBys: What the frak are you doing there????
PrpLtngYrAz: Sabotaging the Chair.
LvsBdBys has left the chat room.
*
"Okay, that was just scary," said Boromir, wiping soot off his face.
"Scarier than what?" asked Tyr, trying to see if his leather trousers had been melted anywhere.
"Than the last time we got called here."
"Still, it was nice to see Pelham again," said Jamie.
"Not seeing that much of him," Plunkett muttered and slammed closed the Library door.
*
"I don't even know what a muskrat is. Why in Jupiter's name would I want to shoot one," Quintus said quickly to Max under his breath.
"Quiet, here he comes. Say nothing, act natural," Max sagely advised.
Tav walked toward the assembled troops holding a musket in one hand and the yellow Frisbee in the other. Lupin loped along beside him.
"Troops! Tav shouted. "Assemble ranks!" The Legion just milled about a bit. "TROOPS!"
Max whistled through his teeth as loud as he could. From the tent behind him Space Dog and Sirius came bounding out. They quickly ran over to Lupin and all began howling at the tops of their lungs.
"VAT VAS ZAT?" Haken shouted to Tav, trying not to laugh.
"I SAID, ASSEMBLE!" Tav shouted back. No one paid him any attention.
Max turned to the howling canines. "Go get the Frisbee, boys!"
OOOFF!!!!! Tav was the last one to see it coming.
*
"Focus!" Xani spat furiously.
"I AM focusing!" LP spat back.
"Not on me, you're not. You're zooming in behind me." It was true. LP had the camera aimed at the bar. Xani's face was a fuzzy blur whilst the blender and Icey machine were in sharp focus.
"This bloody thing," LP groused. "It's not so easy when you have to hold it. And it's heavy!"
"Well, if you'd do this right, we'd be finished." Xani toyed with his hair some more.
"We are finished." LP turned the camera off.
LP and Xani were taking this new suggestion of Kendra's to heart. At the moment, they were working on a sort of "HSU Day in the Life" documentary. They reckoned once they set it to some heavy metal music, it would go down well on the 'Net.
So far, they'd gotten Laure "negotiating" with Commo in the hallway, Emmy reading out everyone's horoscope down at the lake, Jael playing Frizbee with the dogs on the playing field, and Darry explaining to her Senator what had happened to her Imperial Guard.
Now they were filming Kendra filling up stock in the Pub. "Are you going to actually order anything?" Kendra asked testily, wondering how Bond could have gotten through an entire bottle of Midori in fifteen minutes. "Or are you just going to stand there bickering?"
"Relax, we're done here," LP said, glad to put the camera down. "Who's next?"
"Ellie," said Xani. "Better put something waterproof over the camera. You never know what's going on in her place."
*
Meanwhile in the salon, King Mungat and Lucius sat reading whilst waiting on Dande.
"What are you in for?" The King asked, conversationally.
Lucius looked up from his newspaper. "Roots. Apparently." He went back to reading.
"Yes, it is the same for me. Dande says they are starting to grow." Mungat glanced down at his Interactive Dad magazine then back up to Lucius. "Do you have any children?"
Lucius didn't bother to look up. "One," he replied coolly.
"One! Ha! You are obviously not practiced, my friend. I have fifty-eight! Fifty-nine, if you count my adopted son. He's a Brit like you, you know." Mungat leaned over and looked more closely at Lucius. "Got the same eyes as you, too. Is everyone on that island related?"
"Getting to be." Lucius rattled his paper and stuck his nose further into it.
*
"Well, I didn't take them!" Ellie veritably screamed from inside her office.
"So they just strolled over by themselves for a little party with all the rest of this crap, did they?" Judy stormed out of the place, her map and seven coasters held protectively to her chest.
"Jeez, Louise," Ellie said to her back. Then she turned around and addressed her collection of…animals. "Right, which one of you stole all of those coasters? I'll be lucky if I can get a pack of smokes out of the machine let alone a margarita the next time I'm in the damn Pub."
"It was him," said about five different voices.
"Sure you still want to do this?" LP asked Xani still out in the hall. "One's got a blaster, one's got claws and one's got a whip and that's not even counting Ellie."
"Maybe later," Xani said. All in all, the Library was probably a safer place.
~*~
CHAPTER 6- The gloves come off
Xani regained his directorial form once back in the safety of the Library. "That's good!" he shouted. "Yeah, yeah! Work it, work it, That's it! Now, show me angry! Get really angry now!"
"I AM REALLY ANGRY NOW!" Judy roared. "HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU HAVE IN THIS FRAKING PLACE?!" Judy had spent the last hour in the Library. So far she had found over twenty of her lost coasters. And she still wasn't finished. "What in the name of the Jack Daniels have you been doing with them?"
"Well," started LP, about to elaborate.
"NO!" Remembering where she was, Judy showed him The Hand. "No, I don't want to know." She glanced back at the map and started toward the piano. "Somebody open this."
Xani was in cinematography heaven.
*
Emmy sat down behind her chair with a contented sigh. She'd had a lovely day out at the lake watching Bond walk in and out of the water. Then she had had a lovely appointment with the General. And coming into the office she had noticed how her lovely PA had no more dark roots.
Life was good.
But life could be better.
She could have new shoes.
She could have coffee.
She could have new shoes AND coffee.
The Dean switched on the computer to do a little on-line shopping. Then she pressed a button on the arm of the Chair. There came a whirring sound and the usual rumbles that indicated a beverage was being processed. After one minute, the little door in the armrest opened and a cup appeared.
Emmy looked down at it. This was not what she had asked for.
Okay, the drink had a ton of whipped cream on it, but she had never in her life ordered anything with a cherry on the top.
Her computer sprang to life. Why did the wallpaper consist of little animated cherries?
They were dancing.
And singing.
And movin' to the groovin'.
And just then, it hit her.
Emmy turned around in the Chair. She looked at the Guard. They did what they normally did- stood there and looked like they'd beat the crap out of someone if they were told to.
But there was something different about them…
Emmy gave a little sniff. She knew that smell. She'd smelled this smell in numerous shops in numerous malls: the kind of shops that usually sold cooking equipment, bath accessories or holiday decorations. This was a smell that emanated from the Cottage every Fourth of July.
The Guard smelled like…cherries.
*
Max and Jael lay in the wheat field, holding hands and looking up at the clouds.
"Do you ever think we'll ever get this place finished?" Jael asked. "I mean, the pyramid just keeps getting taller and taller and the mine just keeps getting deeper and deeper. The battlefield keeps getting trudged up because you think the men need constant training and I'm getting a little tired of living in a tent. Oooh, that one looks like a dolphin!" Jael pointed up at the sky.
Max squeezed her hand affectionately. "I'm sure someday the place will be beautiful." He thought of warm summer evenings in a house with a garden. "At least we have this peaceful spot."
Just then the Elf leapt over them followed closely by the jarringly loud sound of an engine. A zamboni came within inches of mowing them down.
*
"Tav!" Laure's voice shouted down the cell phone. Colonel Tavington held the thing away from his head like it might bite him. It didn't matter; he could still hear the Wo, even from that distance. "I do occasionally need to get some paperwork done, eat something, maybe sleep a little."
Hoping that was the end of the statement, Tav cautiously put the phone back against his head. "Then you should have fewer men to schedule. There aren't enough hours in the day as it is!" He snapped the phone closed and chose to ignore it as it began to insistently ring again ten seconds later.
*
"SCREEEECH!"
"OWWWW!GETITOFFGETITOFF!"
"Hold still. Stop waving your arms around so much; she's scared."
"SHE'S scared? How the frak do you think I feel?! I'm gonna end up looking like my fraking husband if you don't get this fraking animal off my head!"
"Will you just calm down. She's not just a tool, you know; she's also a pet. She's used to being treated like one."
"I've got enough bloody pets! What I don't have are any fraking telephone numbers or email addresses! What kind of stupid system is THIS!?" The snowy owl barely managed to hold on to the Nurse's arm as she waved it about.
"Will you please just hold still? Thank you."
"Hurry up, Padawan."
"Relax. It's taken her ages to get here as it is. A few more minutes aren't going to matter."
"NURSE!"
"Shit, that's the Dean."
"Why does she sound so pissed off?"
"She always sounds pissed off. Just ignore her."
"NURSE!!"
"I dunno, she sounds pretty mad."
"She'll get over it."
"Okay, that's sorted. Hold your arm still and walk over to the window."
"NURSE!!!"
"I'm busy, Emmy! Could you come back a little later?"
"SCREEEECH!"
"WILL YOU GET OFF OF ME, YOU STUPID BIRD!"
CRASH! The Clinic door burst open and the Dean stood in the frame. Behind her, the Imperial Guard and the Cylon Guard were having a staring contest…which isn't easy when one party's eyes are hidden and the other's never stop moving.
"How long do you expect me to wait?" The Dean demanded, glaring at the Ungrateful Hos who were standing beside an open window. Darry's head was bleeding in several places. "What in the frak have you been doing in here?"
"Playing Wild-Fraking-Kingdom," said the Nurse, closing the window. Ellie went to get some sutures for the Nurse's head. "What do you want?"
Outside, the Guards' contest had finished and a tussle ensued.
*
Just then came an announcement over the public address system.
*
Her quest was finally at an end. The General and his Mastah, the Hos, Wo, Wench, EAs, EFs, Fire Department and all of the other HSU employees had been summoned to the Pub. With all of Miners, rugby players, assorted armies and animals, including Dor's dragon in there, it was getting to be a very tight squeeze.
"Right. These-" Judy said, indicating the enormous Nordstrom's bag on the bar beside her "-are all of my coasters. Five hundred and eighty-seven of them managed to find their way out of the Pub. It has taken me over one hundred and fifty-three hours to find them all." She paused for dramatic effect. "I don't EVER want to have to do that again."
"Vatch it, puny man!" Haken pushed Cal out of his beefy way.
Cal tripped, treading heavily on Draco's tail.
"ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
The side of the bar, most of the booze and every single one of Judy's coasters were instantly incinerated.
The End