Title: Belles of the Ball
Authors: Darry & Emmy
Rating: WMPPA (Where My Party People At?)
Disclaimer: Anyone want this? It's yours!

Darry lazily waved her hand over her newly OPI’d toenails and then picked up the large glass of merlot. In front of her sat a box of chocolates that she’d stolen from Lupin’s stash.

“Got a lot on for the weekend?” She asked Laure who was apparently having an argument with her computer.

“Just the usual. Debauchery. Sex. Sex. Debauchery. Shopping. What the frak is wrong with this thing?” She picked up the stack of papers that was half-covering the keyboard and filed them under “Floor”.

“Here, this might help.” The Nurse handed her the bottle. Laure took an absent swig, her eyes still glued to the screen.

Snape swooped in looking gaunt and dangerous. Well, more gaunt and dangerous than usual. “WHERE is that School Register I was working on?” He demanded, not even sparing a glance at the women. He stalked over to the computer and lifted the keyboard despite Laure still trying to type on it. “It was right here!”

“Now it’s down there,” Darry, said around a mouthful of chocolate-covered cherry, pointing with a purple-nailed toe. Snape wasn’t sure which to be more disgusted by- the table manners or the toenails.

He stooped and retrieved the pile, glancing at the pages quickly. “Oh, bloody hell.” He muttered.

“What is it?” Darry swallowed.

Snape ignored her, rifling through the papers more urgently, as he would never do anything in a frantic manner.

Laure hadn’t seemed to notice his presence as of yet. She seemed more concerned with the Blue Screen of Death she was now contending with.

“Want some wine? Wine always helps.” Darry advised Snape.

“Ms Alexander, where is the remainder of the School Register?” Snape stood at his Wo’s elbow.

“Huh?” Laure said, not looking up but now slamming the keyboard’s Alt, Control and Delete buttons over and over again. “Darry, call Delphi and ask her to come over, stat.”

The Nurse pulled out her mobile phone. “Worf, we’ve got a problem in the Ombudswoman’s office. No, not Security, it’s computer-related.”

“What exactly IS THIS?” Snape held out a piece of paper with random arrows and circles drawn all over it. It looked like an elaborate equation. At the bottom it read “Maximus=DEAD.” Next to the word “DEAD” was drawn a little stick-figure man lying down with “x”s for eyes.

“Ah,” said Laure, sparing it a passing glance. That looks like one of Commo’s strategic plans for another Campus Takeover.” She finally smashed a fist against the side of the computer, swore at it and pushed back from her desk, taking the bottle with her.

“That maniac has drawn it on the back of my School Register. I need to submit this to Dumbledore with all the Potions grades on it.”

“So?” said Laure. “So, the back has some scribbles on it. So what?” She looked over at Darry and shrugged. “I don’t know why do you bother? You end up failing everyone anyway.”

“Almost everyone,” Darry reminded the Wo, then returned to her phone. “Yeah, Worf, she’s tried hitting it. Yes, she tried throwing the keyboard. Yes, she’s tried calling it a piece of “veQ” (garbage). No, still not working.”

Commo sauntered in dressed to conquer the links. “Ah, my Venus, I am off to gain the upper hand against that Bond fellow using a small ball and a big metal stick. I shall return.” He noticed Snape holding his battle plan. “You may keep that, my good sir. I have immortalised it upon this machine.” He indicated Laure’s scanner.

“You did?” Laure and Snape said in unison.

“Yes, and this time I shall be victorious. Both the paper and the machine let out a pleasing waft of smoke. I think that portents well for my success over the Spaniard. Farewell, my love!” He turned, and with a small fanfare coming form a hidden speaker sequestered somewhere in his cardigan, left the office.

“Hold up a minute, Worf,” Darry said into the phone, which had beeped at her.

It seemed impossible, but Snape paled. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Why?” Laure said, eyeing him suspiciously then eyeing her now-defunct scanner.

“That list is mine. It’s not supposed to be handled by any…random persons. That way, no one can interfere or change a grade on it. And now it’s been…tampered with. Who knows what could happen?”

Darry’s phone gave a more insistent beep. She retrieved a text message from the insistent beeper.

Snape looked back down at the paper, for the first time noticing his writing was confined to only one side; Commo’s battle plan had completely obscured the other side. “These are only the male students.” Snape indicated.

“So?” Laure sighed and reached for the wine. Darry snagged another chocolate with the hand that wasn’t texting.

“All of the female students seem to be…missing.” Snape turned the paper over again. If this was his “panicked” face, it didn’t seem too different from any other emotion his face ever registered.

“Er…Laure?” The Nurse swallowed her chocolate.

“What?”

“You’re gonna love this.”

~*~

Prf McGngl nds 2 tlk to u.

Huh? Y?

Hve bg prbm @ scul.

Isnt tht yr dpmt?

Dnt thnk I cn fx ths. U rlly nd 2 tlk to McG.

Am rly vry bsy now. Cnt u jst txt me?

2 cmplctd 2 txt.

Nthg cn b 2 cmplct 2 txt.

Plsssssssssssss…

Stp tht.

…sssssssssssssss.

O al rt, gve her th phn.

Ten minutes later Darry’s mobile began to ring.

~*~

“Is this thing on? What do I do?” Scuffling noises. “Hello? Am I speaking with- -? Mr Potter, what’s her name?” McGonagall was obviously ill-prepared, which meant she was flustered. That took a lot of doing. Things must be pretty bad at Hogwarts.

Pause. Darry sat at her desk in the Clinic, holding her phone in one hand and looking for split ends with the other.

“I can’t call her ‘Darry’. What’s her other name? You don’t know?” Pause. “Who? Oh, very well.” More scuffling noises.

Darry sighed and looked at her nails whilst the other end of the conversation went for a stroll down the stairs.

“Mr Malfoy, what is this ‘Darry’s’ other name?” Pause. “I beg your pardon?!!! I mean, what is her surname?” Pause. “Oh, for the love of Merlin!”

Scuffling. Darry threw a tongue depressor at Remus and then looked away innocently. He threw it back at her, grinning.

“Miss…er…Darry, are you there?”

“Right here.”

“As you may have suspected, we have a problem. I would like to say it was a small problem, but it is not, and I am assured by your…your…”

“…admirers?” Darry reached for another tongue depressor.

“Exactly, your ‘admirers’ here that you and your …colleagues can help us. Am I right in thinking this?”

Darry ducked at the return of the tongue depressor. It glanced off her and hit Tav in the temple.

“I’m sure whatever the problem, we can fix it.” The Nurse grabbed the entire jar of depressors and flicked the contents toward Remus who jumped out of his chair just as they clattered over it.

~*~

Lucius paused his perusal of the de-coded Borgin and Burkes catalog as the large black dog sauntered into the room. Removing his wand, he touched the catalog so it turned back into a stapler and then glared at the canine.

“Don’t touch me,” Lucius replied bitterly as the beast sniffed his arm. “You listen to me, Black. You would do well to stay well out of my sight.”

Lasher sat in front of Lucius and panted expectantly.

Lucius scowled. He would not stand to be mocked by Sirius Black in human form, let alone transfigured into a mutt! Lucius pulled out his wand. “Don’t think I won’t turn you into a flea.”

Lasher jumped to his feet as Lucius pulled out the fun-looking stick, wagged his tale, and barked for play time.

“Don’t test me, Black,” Lucius said, pointing the wand between the dog’s eyes.

Lasher sniffed the stick and barked again, jerking his head to try to get the silly human to throw the darn thing so he could chase it.

“Fine, have it your way,” Lucius replied, devious smile spreading across his face as he extended his arm toward the foolish canine.

“DON’T YOU TOUCH MY BABY!”

Lucius looked up as the Dean ran to the dog and vice versa, an oh-so-slight wrinkle of confusion mixed with disgust furrowing his brow.

“You terrible, EVIL wizard!” the Dean charged.

Lucius cocked his head. And her point was?

“He’s just a defenseless little baby!” she cried, snuggling Lasher around the neck. “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“I should be ashamed,” Lucius replied with unmitigated revulsion at the sight of Emmy cuddling the beast.

“He just wants to play,” Emmy said sharply. “My poor widdle puppy,” she said, rubbing her nose on Lasher’s head.

Lucius recoiled as the dog licked her cheek.

“Poor widdle baby, did the big bad man yell at you? Did he, hmm? Well you just ignore him. He’s just the hired help anyway.”

Lasher snuffed and barked with delight and scurried back over to Lucius, eyeing that fun-looking stick expectantly.

Lucius glowered. So that was the game.. Sirius Black had tricked his way onto campus under the guise of a friendly house pet. Stupid Muggles. But at least Lucius now had an explanation for his being warded to campus. No doubt Black had been sent to watch him.

But by whom?

And wasn’t Black dead? This conspiracy was more insidious than Lucius had originally thought.

“You point that wand at my baby again, and I’ll cut your hair off while you sleep.”

Lucius sat tall in his chair. “You wouldn’t dare,” he replied through gritted teeth.

“Try me,” the Dean said, leaning forward to glare at him. “And don’t think Delphi can protect you.”

Lucius’ eyes narrowed angrily. He, in need of protection? Outrageous!

The Dean leaned in closer, fists on her hips. “Dare me to tell Delphi that you threatened a sweet little innocent puppy. G’head, I dare ya.”

Lucius’ jaw tightened. And then he nearly growled when the sweet puppy licked his hand.“I will not tolerate being hounded by Sirius Black,” he hissed, eyes boring into hers to show he had worked out their trickery.

“Sirius Bl—“ The Dean stopped herself and stood up straight. Then she bit the insides of her cheeks so she wouldn’t laugh. “Yeah, well.” She took a deep breath to regain her composure. “Call it karma,” she said with a clever smirk as she crossed her arms.

Lasher, having grown tired of these humans not getting the message, slumped down on the floor and power-napped at Lucius’ feet.

Lucius glared down at the dog who dared to sigh on his boots.

“I’d better not find so much as a hair out of place on his head,” the Dean said. “Not. A. Hair.”

~*~

Darry addressed the assembled troops in the Pub. The Dean was conspicuous by her absence- Darry had told her that a dress she was keeping an eye on in an eBay auction was a knock-off and Emmy was frantically emailing the seller to confirm its authenticity.

“Grrls, Hogwarts has a problem.”

“Yeah, there’s a pervy Ho stalking the place and boinking random boys.”

“Shut up, Jael, that’s not what I mean. And it’s only two boys.”

“Three if you count the ‘puff,” the Puff reminded the Nurse.

“Whatever. Look, here’s the deal: all the female students and most of the staff of Hogwarts have been inadvertently sent to- have we triangulated their destination, Padawan?”

Ellie looked again at Indy’s scribbled notes on the back of coaster. Judy glared but kept quiet. “Yes, Boss. They’re all at Disney World,” the Vet confirmed.

“And this is our problem, how?” Laure asked, bored and wanting to return to the beach.

“This is our problem because your crazy sociopathic EA messed around with some magical piece of paper belonging to your morose and brooding EA and that’s what sent all of the girlie students and the staff away.” Darry tapped her foot in annoyance. Any moment now the Dean was going to realise she’d been sent on a fool’s errand.

There was the usual chorus of “What else is new?” and “Figures” that always accompanied any announcement of a crisis.

“So,” said Darry, whipping out a plan of action she’d hastily written on the back of one of Tav’s maps, “here’s what we’re gonna do…”

~*~

Delphi laughed. And then she laughed some more. In fact, she laughed so much that Emmy started laughing again, too. Fortunately, the Dean had the foresight to close her office door during her intense investigation into the authenticity of her ebay find. As expected, the Nurse was full of shite. But at least being sequestered allowed her to brief the IT Girl on the Lasher incident once she’d bothered to return the Dean’s call.

“Aaaahhh,” Delphi sighed, wiping the tears from her eyes. “That’s brilliant. And quite fortuitous. Now, he’ll really have to be on his best behavior if he thinks Sirius is following him around and reporting back on his activities. Best behavior for Looshus being relative, of course”

“And, bonus, if he actually does come across a horcrux, Lasher will think it’s a toy and steal it from him,” Emmy said. “Now, you’re certain he can’t actually harm my baby, right?”

“No worries,” Delphi said. “I’ve updated the security grid to exclude any wand effects on pets, Lasher included.”

“How does that work exactly?” the Dean asked.

“Oh, it’s a highly complex system of programming whosywhatsits,” Delphi replied as she snapped her fingers at Worf to zoom the pub camera so she could see Logan’s poker hand.

“Ah, okay,” Emmy said, satisfied enough in knowing that Delphi wouldn’t allow her EA to hurt a puppy, no matter how high the EA’s mojo. “So, you all set for the Ritz tonight,” the Dean asked excitedly.

“Huh, the Ritz? What…oh!” Delphi felt like she’d just been zapped by a shock collar. Surely, that was just her imagination. “Right, the Ritz! Yes, very excited! But gotta go, important stuff to take care of,” she said as she saw Logan pull a royal flush from the last card in the river. “No way!” she exclaimed as she slammed down the phone.

“No way, what? Hello? Hello?” The Dean shrugged and hung up the phone. No matter, she had a million things to do to prepare for the accreditation cocktail party. She would have been suspicious of the last-minute invitation had it not come directly from Lord Vader himself.

Sometimes, at the giddy prospect of wearing true couture, the Dean’s brain failed to make important connections.

~*~

An hour later, Darry rang the school back.

All the boys in the 6th Year Transfiguration class looked around as “Gangsta’s Paradise” started playing from somewhere in the room.

“That’s your phone, mate,” Seamus said.

Coolio was singing to them from Harry’s book bag.

“What? Oh.” Harry reached into the bag and pulled out the phone which was glowing, pulsing and wailing like mad.

“Hello?” He said carefully. The class quieted. No one at Hogwarts had ever gotten a phone call before.

Pause.

“I’m in Transfiguration class.”

Pause.

Harry’s face went very red.

“Yeah, that sounds…er…”

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking over at Professor McGonagall. “She’s right here.” He carefully stood up and walked over to his teacher.

She took the phone from him and held it at arm’s length for a moment. “All of you- - just turn your Transfiguration books into teakettles.” She put the phone to her head.

Shortly, McGonagall, satisfied that the Ball could now continue despite its unorthodox arrangements, walked over to Draco and handed him the phone.

“She wants to speak to you. Keep it clean.”

Part 2

“Okay, here’s what I need you to do,” the Dean said, handing Tavington a Babysitter Checklist Form that she’d taken from Dande’s cottage and had cleverly edited to read The Dean’s Checklist Form.

Tavington shifted slightly to a more casual stance. Clearly, he was meant to take this very seriously, but it would take some doing to pretend to be concerned.

“Now, make sure Lasher gets his treats at six. You’ll need to stuff his pill into one of them,” she said, shaking the bottle of heartworm medication at him. “Then, he likes to play with his squeaky Ewok before bed. Be sure to let him out before 9:00 pm. After 9, the real Ewoks start making noise, and if he chews on one of those, I’ll never hear the end of it from Ellie.”

Tavington nodded to give the appearance that it mattered greatly to him, as he was quite intrigued by what her dress barely covered.

There’s my mobile number,” Emmy pointed to the form. “And my backup mobile.”

Tavington gave her a look.

“What, like I was supposed to give up my Blackberry just because I needed an iPhone?” Emmy replied in her usual ‘geez, you men are thick’ tone. “And there’s the number for the Ritz in case I can’t hear my phones over the music, and there’s a real emergency.”

Tavington didn’t bother to point out that she wasn’t going to be at the Ritz. While the Dean was certainly incredibly, astoundingly high maintenance, it would have been ungentlemanly to vex her since he had been chosen as her one and only EF. The significance was not lost on him.

Well, truth be told, he preferred not to piss off the Nurse since he had to share quarters with a werewolf in the Clinic. The Nurse had made it very clear that the Dean was not to be told of the party’s location, and that he was being entrusted with the campus for the night. If Tavington played his cards right, perhaps he could move up the ranks to a sofa bed some day.

“What would constitute an emergency?” he asked, attempting to feign concern. He knew full well that with the campus mostly vacant, the odds of an emergency were nil.

“Ah, that brings me to the first task on the list.” The Dean sat in her GDC and tilted the monitor so Tav could see her important work. “This, is ebay. Are you familiar with ebay?”

“Yes, I have seen its operations in the Clinic.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure you have,” she said. “Now, this is very, very, VERY important. This is an Yves St. Laurent silk charmeuse dress with hand-painted seam details, and the auction ends at nine pm. I must have this dress.” She looked up at Tav, who clearly didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. “This dress will be mine,” she reiterated. Then she sighed loudly. “You need to sit in this chair – and I don’t say that lightly – starting at 8:55 pm, and you need to do whatever it takes to get me this dress. The current bid is $305, but it will increase significantly in the last fifteen minutes of the auction, so do not be alarmed. Do you understand?”

“Completely,” Tav said with a smile, only because she had more visible cleavage from this angle.

“Which means you’ll need to let Lasher out no later than 8:15 so you don’t miss it.” Emmy chewed on her lip. “Maybe I shouldn’t go to the party. There’s too much at stake here.”

Darry had warned Tavington that Emmy would have these very second thoughts.. “I assure you that I will handle this situation to your complete satisfaction,” Tav said. “I will not lose. I have never lost a battle.”

Emmy decided not to remind him that he’d actually been dead once, as it just upset her too much to ponder losing the dress. “Promise?” she said, looking up at him with hope in her eyes.

“I swear to you it will be done,” he said. “You have my word.”

“Please call me as soon as this dress is mine,” she said. “I won’t be able to enjoy my evening until I know it belongs to me.”

“Of course,” he said, anxiously awaiting her departure so he could make a martini with her chair and to log on to World of Warcraft. He was sure to make substantial progress with most of the men off-campus for the night. Tavington glanced down at her list in the hopes that it would assure he was taking all of this very seriously so she’d get a move on. “What is this last item? Give Daddy a B—“

“DARRY!” the Dean yelled, darting up from her chair, grabbing her bag, and marching out of her office. “Are you freakin’ kidding me?!”

Tav shrugged. Whatever the item was, it seemed to have done the trick, and he proceeded to push the Shaker button on the GDC as he settled in for the evening.

~*~

The General smiled as he held the car door open for Emmy, Kendra, and Judy. All three Ho’s gave him their best evil grin, appreciating the trouble he went to in polishing his FM boots for the occasion.

“Don’t step on my dress,” Kendra said to Judy over her shoulder as she attempted to get in the car.

“I’m not going to step on your dress,” Judy said with a shake of her head.

“Don’t step on my dress,” Kendra called in to Emmy who was already seated in the limo.

“How the crap would I step on your dress? You’re coming at me, and I’m already sitting. How ‘bout you don’t fall on me, huh?”

“Just don’t step on it,” Kendra said, shimmying in to her seat.

“Calm down, woman,” the Dean said, still rolling her eyes that Kendra was making such a fuss for a simple, if elegant, cocktail party.

Once situated, Kendra turned to glance to the long driveway where Will Turner, Captain Jack, her Elf, and Remus were piled in her car awaiting departure. Prince Caspian had opted to ride his horse, although Kendra couldn’t imagine why when she had a perfectly sweet Mustang to ride in. And then a shock of horror ran through her. “Oh my God!” Kendra exclaimed.

“What now?” Emmy said as the General helped Judy into the limo.

Kendra leaned over so the General couldn’t hear. He was good about not using his Jedi sense when his grrls were whispering. “I just realized that I forgot to assign a designated driver.”

“What are you talking about? Hello, we’re a in a limo,” the Dean kindly pointed out.

“Will, Jack, my Elf, and Remus. They’re coming in my car. Except none of them know how to drive!”

Emmy laughed.

“It’s not funny!”

“It’s alright, Padawan,” Judy said, patting her on the shoulder. “They’re very bright. At least, Remus is.”

“It’s totally funny,” Emmy said, still giggling.

“Is not!”

“What’s so funny?” the General asked as he sat next to Judy.

“Nothing,” all three Ho’s replied innocently.

Knowing better, the General simply grinned.

~*~

“Right, I think that goes there.”

Remus, in the driver’s seat with the key in his hand, watched Captain Jack point to the cigarette lighter. “No, I don’t think that’s right,” Remus said with a frown.

“Sure it is, mate.” Jack leaned back confidently in the back seat.

Will, also in the back seat, leaned forward and said, “I wouldn’t listen to him.”

“I don’t plan on it,” Remus said, waving the key around while staring at the dash to try and determine where it might go.

“I believe I’ve seen her put it there,” the Elf said helpfully, pointing to the hazard button.

“Yeah?” Remus gingerly tapped the key to the hazard button, pulling his hand back when all the lights began to flash.

“You broke it!” Jack called from the back seat.

“I didn’t break it,” Remus said calmly while trying to figure out what to do next.

“We’re not moving,” Jack said, making forward motions with his hands. “Clearly, it’s broken.”

“When has that ever stopped you?” Will said.

“True enough! I know, let’s push her in the lake!” Jack exclaimed, eyes wide with adventure.

“I think that would be a very bad idea,” the Elf said to Remus with grave concern.

All of a sudden, bright lights filled the car, a loud engine rumbling behind them.

“We’re being boarded!” Jack yelled, slipping down to the floor.

The giant Humvee rolled up along side them, and the window rolled down. “You guys need a lift?” Delphi waved out the window. “Worf insisted we take his ride for security reasons,” she crooked her thumb over her shoulder, and Worf gave them a ‘hey man’ half-wave. Lucius sat arms crossed and glowering at the injustice of being carted around in such a rudimentary contraption.

“Thank you, that would be perfect,” Remus said, getting out of the car.

Lucius glowered even more. “I am not sharing a carriage with—“

“Quiet back there,” Delphi said, tossing a handful of Dove Darks over her shoulder.

~*~

“This is so exciting,” Kendra said with a clap of her hands, her car’s fate already out of her mind.

“I know, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a real party,” Judy said, thankful to have a break from being the minder for one whole evening.

“And I’ve never seen Hogwarts before, so—OW!” Kendra rubbed her leg where Judy had kicked her.

“Hogwarts?” Emmy said, forehead scrunching. “We’re going to the Ritz…NO. NO! NO! Tell me we’re going to the Ritz!” Emmy turned to the General and grabbed his shirt. “Tell me we’re going to the Ritz!”

“Uhhhh….”

“That bitch!” Once the Dean’s brain actually made a connection, there was no going back.

“Now, Emmy.”

“Don’t ‘now, Emmy’ me, Kenobi!” Then she turned on Judy and Kendra. “And you two!”

“I think it’ll be fun! Think of all the water!” Kendra said happily.

“We are seriously going to high school party at Hogwarts?” Emmy said, glaring at them both.

Judy sighed. “Hmm, when you put it that way, it sounds kinda—HEY!”

“Emmy!” The General grabbed the Diva by the waist as she dove over Judy and toward the door.

“I am outta here,” Emmy growled, trying to open the door.

“We’re moving!” Kendra yelled. “And get your shoe off my dress!”

“I am not going!” Emmy said, still determined to jump from a fast-moving limo. “I don’t care if I have to jump out the window,” she said, fumbling with the window button.

“Diva! Hair!” Judy yelled, grabbing her head as the blast of cold air stormed through the back of the car, and she slapped Emmy’s hand off the button and closed the window.

“You will do no such thing,” the General said, yanking Emmy back and placing her where she’d been sitting.

“I can’t friggin’ believe this,” Emmy groused, crossing her arms.

“I’ve never been to a ball before,” Kendra said, clapping again.

Emmy looked at Kendra’s long gown and then looked at her own mini cocktail party dress. “It’s…a…ball?” she said slowly.

“Uh-huh,” Kendra said brightly.

“Uh-oh,” Judy said, scooting away from the window, knowing full well what happens when a Ho discovers she’s inappropriately dressed and didn’t actively choose to be so.

“Emmy,” the General started, also knowing what Judy knew. “You look beaut— nooooo,” and he lunged for the Diva again as she tried to climb up to the moon roof.

“And we have a jumper,” Judy sighed with another roll of her eyes as she reached for a wine glass.

~*~

“Hey, you! Yeah, you!”

The 4th year Ravenclaw boy looked mildly terrified as Xani suddenly blocked his path.

“Check that wand.”

“Huh?”

Xani crooked his thumb to the wand-check desk that Dor had set up with portable puppet theatre in the foyer. “No wands at the ball! Check it or shove it up—“

“Xani!” Dor yelled.

“What?” Xani said, looking terribly put out.

“Don’t scare them to death,” Dor said, as she roughly grabbed the Ravenclaw’s wand, the boy appearing terribly distraught.

“Why?” Xani complained.

Dor huffed. “Hello, how else will I get them to show me how to blot out the sun?”

LP gave Dor a look. “Why on earth would you want to—“

“You never know when it might come in handy!” Dor suddenly realized that the Ravenclaw was still standing in front of her. “What do you want?”

“Well…I…how will I…uh?”

“You’ll get it back, okay! Geez, move along,” Dor said, flapping her hand at the boy, who quickly scampered off.

“Right, don’t scare them to death or anything,” Xani said.

Dor’s face suddenly brightened. “I wonder if they’d trade magic tricks for voodoo lessons!”

“I’ve got your magic tricks right here,” Xani said, prowling up behind Dor, a gaggle of Hufflepuff boys gasping at what transpired before LP had the good sense to temporarily shut the puppet curtain.

Part 3

Emmy sat with her arms crossed in the back of the limo.

“Emmy, please,” the General said, holding his arm out to try and coax her out of car.

“I’m not going to a high school party,” the Dean huffed.

“Love, it’s not a high school party if we’re all here,” the General said quite reasonably.

“I’m not dressed for a ball,” Emmy pouted.

The General gave her The Look. “When have you ever cared about sticking to the status quo,” he said with a smile.

“I know, but—“

“Judy isn’t wearing a ball gown. And look, Ellie isn’t either,” he said, thanking the stars that Ellie appeared at an opportune moment since Judy had already had enough of the Diva and had walked inside to avoid the cold night air.

Emmy scrambled forward to stick her head out the door to see Ellie strutting her stuff, the black feathers on her skirt moving in such a way to cause a group of fifth year boys to trip over their feet and collapse like dominos.

“Get your ass out of the car, Ho, and let’s party,” Ellie called, pounding on the roof twice before continuing her stride with her posse of Logan, Indy, and Viktor following close behind.

“See?” the General said.

“Well okay,” Emmy grumbled, taking a step out of the car.

“Hey, Diva girl!” Dande called as she flounced up to the General in her grand ball gown, her dainty hands crooked around Da Mastah’s manly bicep.

“Oh forget it!” Emmy said, backing up as she saw Dande’s gown.

“Too late,” the General said, hooking his arm around Emmy’s waist and pulling her out of the car.

“Problem?” Da Mastah asked.

The General gave Da Mastah that other look.

“Right,” Da Mastah said.

~*~

The General escorted Judy and Kendra down the stairs and into the Great Hall, while Emmy pouted a few steps behind and inwardly cursed the Nurse.

Well, not so inwardly cursed the Nurse.

The Dean took the opportunity to shoot merciless glares at any boy who dared to look at or even accidentally come within a few feet of her.

“This is awesome!” Ellie exclaimed as Emmy met her halfway down the stairs.

Emmy glared. “Where’s the bar?”

“Over there.” Ellie pointed with her bellini glass. “Technically, it’s not a bar, but it’ll all get you drunk.”

“Thank God for that,” Emmy said.

“Just have a good time! You look hot! I look hot! Work it!” Ellie took a sip of her bellini and moved her hips to the beat of Kingsley spinning Le Disko at the DJ station.

Emmy watched the crowd gather below. “Wait a minute. Are those…princesses?”

Ellie flapped her hand. “Ah yeah. Slight problem with the guest list. Long story. But who cares, right, they’re just princesses.”

Feeling the familiar rush of the urge to put others in their place, Emmy smoothed back a lock of hair that had escaped her up-do and took a deep breath. “Right, watch me work it,” she said, stalking down the stairs in her Louboutins.

“That’s a good Diva,” Ellie said. Then she pointed to her entire harem. “You! Fill ‘er up,” she said, pointing to her glass.

~*~

“Oh Mordred, my father is here.” Draco hid himself behind a curtain as Delphi and her entourage entered the Great Hall.

“I told you he was coming.” Darry watched nonchalantly. “Don’t worry, we’ll get him drunk or distract him or something. You have just as much a right to be here as he does. I mean, it’s your school dance for frak’s sake. I’ll go get you and Harry a couple of proper drinks.”

She sidled off, leaving the two wizards ogling the rest of the Grrls as they made their entrances into the Hall. Neither boy seemed too taken by the princesses, who despite being easy on the eyes, looked a lot like those love-sick 5th year Hufflepuffs they both had to make efforts to avoid.

Darry returned balancing three small glasses of dangerous-looking liquid, a salt shaker and three wedges of limes. She set everything down on the stairs. “You asked for tequila a couple of weeks ago? Watch and learn.”

~*~.

Lucius Malfoy glared around the crowd gathered in the Great Hall. He, in fact, had not been compelled to attend by his Wo, no matter what off-color comments that classless mutant person had made to him upon his arrival. Lucius took orders from no woman, certainly not a Muggle woman. He made his own decisions regarding which requests he would and would not comply with.

Furthermore, he chose to work for the Dean of his own free will, no matter what other comments that insipid mutant creature made shortly after the previous commentary. Lucius Malfoy, for the record, actively chose to work in the Dean’s office because it gave him ample time to himself. His duties for the Dean were not women’s work, as that wolverine beast had implied, but were, in fact, deliberate schemes to infiltrate the network that had landed him in that situation to begin with.

No, Lucius Malfoy was not in attendance under duress. He had, in fact, volunteered to be a chaperone after learning that half the student body and staff had been inadvertently transported to some Muggle land known as Florida. Lucius would be certain that the same fate did not befall his own son.

Even more egregious, the Hogwarts house elves (including that new DADA instructor, with whom he was unfamiliar) were being given holiday in this same land. Holiday! For house elves!

~*~

Ten minutes and three shots of Mexican courage later, Draco approached Lucius. “Father?”

“Ah, Draco, I presumed I would see you here.” Lucius nearly smiled at his son. Then he looked around him. “Who are you escorting to the dance tonight?”

Draco set his features to ‘dutiful’. “No one, Father. I expected that you would not have me accompany a young…lady…from that school you owled me about; the one whose students all resembled chickens.” Both father and son looked at the dance floor where about 40 princesses were dancing together around their handbags.

“Very wise of you, Draco.” Lucius glanced around in the other direction. His Wo was trying to explain to Worf how it wasn’t necessary to break the arm of any boy who asked her to dance.

Worf did not dance. This came as no surprise to anyone. No one could particularly imagine the Klingon jumping to his left, stepping to his right, putting his hands on his hips and pulling his knees in tight.

Draco’s voice pulled Lucius back from his perusal of the Hall. “Who are all of the…other women?”

Lucius scowled. “They are from the university I have the misfortune to be associated with.” He turned and looked at his son. “You remember, I’m sure- as an alternative to Azkaban.”

The music changed tempo and the “chickens” left the floor, coming back only to retrieve their forgotten purses.

Draco nodded. He carefully applied ‘resentful’ and ‘vengeful’, with just a touch of ‘cross’, to his face. “A terrible penance for you, Father. The Ministry will not be allowed to get away with it.”

“Patience, Draco,” Lucius warned. “I am biding my time; our chance will come.” Lucius’ eyes alighted on Potter, who was now on the dance floor. “The only thing worse than my having to be surrounded by these crazed women is the thought of you still having to associate so closely with that abomination to all that is Magic.”

“Yes,” Draco said evenly.

“I see that he is weak enough to be tempted by those harpies.” Lucius recognised the woman Harry was slow-dancing with as the Healer from the university. The same Healer that had given the Dean the jewels he knew were rightly his. “Atrocious person; the Muggle equivalent of a Weasley.”

Draco set his features to ‘blank’ in attempt not to convey ‘oh-shit-I-am-in-so-much- trouble’.

~*~

“Oooohhh yeeaaahh,” Kingsley purred into the microphone. “This next song is only for the sexy ladies in the house.”

A band of princesses in cheerleader skirts woo-hoo’d until the punchbowls nearly shattered.

“I said,” Kingsley caught Ellie’s eye and gave her a wolfish grin, “only for the sexy ladies.”

“Oh hell yeah, that’s us, girlfriend!” Emmy exclaimed. One glass of rocket fuel punch under her belt, she suddenly appeared on the dance floor next to Ellie as Kingsley laid down Sexy Back. The Diva then herded the other Ho’s to the dance floor...except for Judy who had not-so-mysteriously disappeared with the General shortly after arrival. “Time to clear these princesses outta here,” Emmy yelled over the music.

“Damn straight,” Ellie said, raising her bottomless bellini high into the air as her skirt slinked around her thighs, much to the delight of every male in the vicinity.

Kingsley, unable to help himself, had to join them for some good, clean bumping and grinding.

~*~

“Darling, what is this place again?”

Jael concealed her party dagger in her bag and then straightened James’ tie, which really didn’t need straightening, but it was just a good excuse to get within snogging range. “It’s a boarding school,” she replied. “Very respected,” she added as she patted his lapels.

“Why are the portraits moving?” he asked, sorting through his mental catalog of MI- 6 toys but coming up blank.

“Oh those!” Jael said. “Special effects. Like lighting…only not.”

“But—“

“Enough talk,” Jael said, now grabbing the lapels and pulling him to her for an actual snog.

~*~

“No, you cannot owl me,” Emmy said for 80th or so time. “Go away.” It was definitely time for another drink. While the so-called punch didn’t seem all that strong to her, it left only half the boys standing a mere hour into the party. “Amateurs,” she said under her breath as she turned to walk to the collection of motley punch bowls along the far wall.

“Have you seen my Elf?” Kendra was suddenly upon her looking a little frantic.

“Ken, you lose him on campus, you lose him here, what’s the difference?” Emmy looked toward the corner where her selected punch bowl spewed ominous fog. “Oh great,” she said when she saw Lucius standing next to it, characteristic look of displeasure on his face.

“I know, but I need to find him,” Kendra said. “I can’t have my Elf unguarded with all these princesses around!”

“Walk with me,” Emmy said, grabbing Kendra’s arm and forcing her toward the punch bowl with her. “Why don’t you just dance with the General.”

Kendra rolled her eyes. “He’s having a wager with the Durmstrang boys in the foyer. They’re seeing who can lift the portraits higher in mid-air.”

“Men,” Emmy said.

“No foolin’,” Kendra said. “So why are we going over here?”

“Because I need a drink. So do you.” Emmy continued to drag Kendra with her, especially when Lucius scowled when he saw them approach. Then his eyes landed on Emmy’s neck, and he scowled even more. “Oh shit,” Emmy said, spinning around and hand flying to her neck where the extremely hot emerald and diamond necklace rested. “Here, wear this,” Emmy said, quickly releasing the clasp and forcing the pilfered necklace on Kendra.

“Hey,” Kendra protested, thinking Emmy was trying to strangle her. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

“Oh my gosh, it goes perfectly with your dress!” Emmy gushed and fawned a bit for emphasis.

“What?” Kendra looked down and saw the emeralds and diamonds glittering at her. “Oooohh.”

“Mm-hmm, see. You needed some fabulous bling.”

“I did!” And then Kendra eyed Emmy’s hand.

“No, I keep the ring.”

A blur of blonde darted in the opposite corner. “Oh, there he is!” Kendra exclaimed. She was suddenly gone, leaving the Dean alone amidst a foursome of princesses. They all stared at her. Emmy stared at them.

The princesses closed ranks, locking elbows.

Emmy placed a hand on her hip and raised her chin, eyeing their knock-off pleather handbags with disdain.

The princess on the right pulled the foursome in her direction, while the princess on the left pulled them in the opposite direction, and just like that, their ranks were broken and skittering.

Emmy shook her head and kept walking toward the punch bowl, hoping she could swig a glass down before having to make snarky-talk with her PA.

“’Scuse me, but—“

“No.” Emmy brushed past the random Hufflepuff boy and finally, mercifully, arrived at the alcohol.

Lucius immediately zeroed in on her. “Tell me where you got that necklace.”

“What necklace?” Emmy said, pouring herself a glass of foggy rocket fuel.

“The necklace you were wearing just now.”

“I’m not wearing a necklace.”

Lucius adopted his most intimidating posture and patrician tone. “You were.”

Emmy flapped her hand at him as she downed the glass in two gulps.

Lucius eyed her, waiting for the inevitable choking and gasping for air that followed drinking that concoction.

“What?” Emmy said, nonplussed and non-gasping, as she caught his look. “Oh shit, I’m not going to turn into a rabbit or something, am I??”

“The necklace,” he said impatiently.

Emmy drank another glass, slowly this time. “Hello,” she said, slapping her neck with her fingers. “No necklace.”

“You gave it to—“

“No idea what you’re talking about.”

“The ring, then.”

“Mine.”

“I’ve seen it bef—“

“Mine. All mine,” she lied. He’d need more than Unforgiveables to get any bling off her fingers.

“Heeeyyy,” came a Ravenclaw boy stumbling directly toward her with a huge drunken grin on his face, his hands aimed for places no teenage boy was allowed to touch.

“Get off!” Emmy pushed him toward the wall, and he stumbled over two of his friends, all three of them landing in a heap behind Lucius.

“Well played,” Lucius said almost appreciatively after glancing at the slumped Ravenclaws on the floor.

“Yeah well, lame party,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders.

“You didn’t seem to be suffering on the dance floor with that…Auror.” Lucius said the word like he’d eaten one of Kendra’s sour gummy fish – not that he ever had been into her candy jar, mind you.

Emmy turned to find Lucius looking completely smug. “Oh, you’re one to talk about people dancing at a dance, Mister I Have No Life So I’m Going to Skulk Around My Kid’s School Being A Pain In The Ass.” She took another sip of her drink. “Really, you’re bordering on Creepy Old Guy here.”

“Is that so?” Lucius said with a hint of menace. “As opposed to your turn as Desperate Single Female Who Should Know Better Than To Dress Like That At A Children’s Party.”

“What. Did. You. Call. Me.”

“I believe the term was…desperate,” he replied with a near-hiss.

“Desperate?” Emmy seethed. “Desperate is holding up the walls and glowering when people are just trying to have fun. In fact,” she said, emptying her glass and slamming it down on the table next to the punch bowl, “I’ll bet you wouldn’t know fun if it bit you on that smug ass of yours!”

“Fun?” Lucius said, leaning forward, giving her a derisive look up and down. “You call this fun?”

“For your information, this,” she said, pointing to herself, “is couture.” She took a step forward, pulling herself as tall as possible to return his icy glare as she replied, “In. Side. And. Out,” with a jab of her finger to his chest to punctuate each syllable.

“Why don’t you prove it,” he sneered, biting each word as he squared off with the Diva.

Nose to nose with the Death Eater, this Diva wasn’t going to cower. “Ha, you think you’re man enough for this? You think you can handlllllllmmmpphhhhhhhhh….”

~*~

The furtive trio was checking out the décor under one of the long banquet tables.

“Shit, someone out there is standing on my dress.”

“That’s okay, I can work around it.”

“Nothing if not resourceful, these Gryffindors.”

“Somebody has to be, Malfoy! You're the reason we're under here to begin with!”

“Not my fault. I don’t want to be disinherited.”

“Oh, for crying out loud, one of you reach up and get me a drink.”

~*~

“Oh my gosh, what is the Dean doing?”

“What IS the Dean doing?”

Darry, ears perking up under the table upon hearing her padawan’s response to Jael’s equally startled question, cleared a slashy path and crawled out from under the tablecloth and looked in the direction of the punch bowl. And then she laughed.

Draco’s head popped out from under the tablecloth and over Darry’s shoulder. “What is my father doing with that woman?”

Darry pushed Draco back under the table and said to him, “Open your mouth.”

Naturally, Draco did as he was told.

“And you,” Darry said to the other one. “Stick your tongue down his throat.” Darry looked back toward the punchbowl and then at her dates. “Yep, that’s what your father is doing with that woman,” and with that she hurried back under the table to join the party.

~*~

Tavington gave Lasher at pat on the head as he sat in the GDC in front of the Dean’s computer at 8:50 pm. He took a sip of his martini and noted that the price on the dress was now $350.

He leisurely entered a max bid of $375 and then sat back and swirled his cocktail. His eyebrow quirked slightly when: YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID glared back at him.

No matter. The Dean had made it clear that she must win, and he intended to see it done. He set his glass down and entered $726 as the max bid to give himself enough leeway to ride out the auction to its inevitable conclusion. He clicked enter and then turned with a clever smirk and patted Lasher on the head again. “I have never lost a battle,” he told Lasher, who eyed him appreciatively.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID.

“What?” Tavington finally sat at attention and looked at the clock. 8:55.

He entered $825, clicked enter, and took a large swig of his martini.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID.

“Impossible!” Tavington nervously eyed the clock, quickly typed $925 (thank goodness for typing practice on the Nurse’s laptop), and clicked enter.

Hourglass…hourglass…hourglass….

“Come on, come on!” 8:57

YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID

“Madness!” Tavington scrambled and entered $1201 and clicked enter.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID

“Puerile ingrate, I’ll have you!” He madly typed $3556 and clicked enter.

Hourglass…hourglass.… 8:59. Hourglass…hourglass….

Tavington held his breath, his entire body tense.

YOU ARE THE HIGHEST BIDDER. THE CURRENT BID IS $3550.

“Ha! HA!” He looked at the clock. Still 8:59.

Tavington gasped audibly. Then he refreshed the page and tried not to cringe.

YOU ARE THE WINNER

“HA!” he exclaimed even louder, causing Lasher to jump up and think it was playtime. “I told you, I never lost a battle,” he told Lasher triumphantly before downing his martini.

Lasher, hunched down, poised and ready to chase a ball or a stick or an errant coffee cup. Wait for it…wait for it…. And then he whined and dropped his head low as Tav made himself another martini.

~*~

The Dean took a deep breath.

The Death Eater took a deep breath.

The Dean eyed the Death Eater warily.

The Death Eater eyed the Dean warily.

The Dean and the Death Eater hastily unhanded each other simultaneously.

“I have to—“

“Yeah, me too.”

And they swiftly departed in opposite directions, unfortunately deciding to head out in an X pattern, so they crashed into each other and then had to elbow each other out of the way before each was able to make their escape from the other.

~*~

“I saw that,” Ellie said, pointing toward the corner from which the Dean had just escaped.

Emmy gave Ellie a look.

“I’m just letting you know that I saw it.”

“And?”

Ellie shrugged and sipped her drink.

“Shouldn’t you be off groping Logan in a dark corner someplace,” Emmy snapped.

“Already done,” Ellie said. “Now he’s ogling princess cheerleaders. I’m giving him ten minutes.”

“How thoughtful of you,” the Diva replied, taking Ellie’s bellini from her hand and finishing it off.

“I thought so,” Ellie said with a nod as Viktor suddenly appeared with a fresh bellini for her. Ellie smiled. “Thanks. Could you get one for her, too, she’s going to need it.”

“Of course,” Viktor said, focusing his smoldering – if not terribly bright – gaze on Ellie before departing once more.

“Hey girls!” Dande’s spectacular skirt arrived next to them before she actually did.

“Hey, Wench!” Ellie greeted her with a few hip shaking dance moves, which was Ellie’s standard greeting for the evening. “Did ya see what Emmy did?”

“Ellie!”

“What did Emmy do?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “It’s Dande. You have to tell her.”

“Tell me what?” Dande looked a little flustered that she’d clearly missed some substantial dish. “What did you do?”

“More like who,” Ellie snorted.

“I did no such thing!” Emmy madly looked around for Viktor and that stupid bellini.

Ellie, good Ho that she was, leaned down and said only loud enough for Dande to hear. “She snogged Looshus.”

Dande gasped loudly, hand flying to her chest.

“I did not,” Emmy said, grabbing the bellini from Viktor’s hand and swatting him away like a bug.

Ellie laughed. “You so totally did!”

“Did not!”

“I saw it!” Ellie exclaimed, pointing to the punchbowl corner.

“We saw it, too!” Darry’s disembodied voice said from underneath the table.

Emmy slammed her glass down, rattling the serving platters piled high with pizza and buffalo wings.

“Saw what?” Da Mastah said as he suddenly appeared with a glass of champagne for his comely wife.

Dande made big doe eyes at her husband, Wench senses finely attuned to the need for confidentiality in the face of such obviously huge dish.

Da Mastah, actually relieved to be given an exit now that his Jedi senses were starting to pick up a fervor, nodded in complete understanding of the doe eyes. “Ladies,” he said before turning and seeking out Xani, who clearly seemed to be in need of a lecture.

Dande’s expression turned to serious dish-processing mode as soon as her husband was out of earshot. “Okay, Diva. Dish me now.”

“Nothing,” Emmy said, shaking her head and taking another drink.

Ellie gave her a dubious look.

“Okay fine!” the Diva caved. “But he forced me!”

“Forced you?” Dande said with concern.

“I seriously doubt that,” Ellie said. “Those shoes are a deadly weapon, so don’t even act like—“

“He did,” Emmy said. “He challenged…” Emmy pointed in her own general direction, “this! He challenged my…my…my Ho-ness!”

“Oh dear,” Dande said.

“He implied,” Emmy moved into serious closing argument stance, “that I wasn’t fun, that I was ridiculously dressed….”

“Oh dear,” Dande repeated.

“…and that I was….” Emmy bit her lip, refusing to say the word.

“What?” Ellie said.

“Desperate!” Emmy finally blurted out. “He called me desperate!”

Dande gasped, knowing full well what tragedies had previously befallen campus at these sort of charges against the Dean.

“Well, what do you expect, he’s a Death Eater,” Ellie said, making eyes with a cute Gryffindor who passed by.

“You don’t just throw down a gauntlet like that without expecting some come uppance,” the Diva stated.

Ellie snorted again. “So…snogging him was…a form of punishment?”

“No,” the Diva glowered. “I was making a point!”

Ellie shook her head. “Whatever. So you meant to snog him then.”

“Of course not!” Emmy took another swig of her bellini, deciding it was best to stop digging the pit she was in.

“So, Emmy,” Dande approached carefully. “How are you…feeling right now?”

“Well I can tell you who she was feeling,” Ellie offered with a smirk. “She seemed quite emphatic about it, too. As did he, I mean the way he was—“

“You’re not helping!” Emmy said, lightly smacking Ellie on the arm.

“I usually don’t,” Ellie said, keeping an eye on the time, as Logan’s ten minutes were nearly up.

“How are you feeling emotionally?” Dande said, broaching the subject very carefully, as she also knew full well what had occurred the last time Emmy had felt she’d possibly been Ungrateful.

“Emotionally?” Emmy said. “What are you talking about?”

“You…you’re not feeling the need to change into your jammies, are you?”

Emmy scrunched her face. “Why would I do that when I’m wearing this hot dress?”

“I told you that dress would get you into trouble,” Ellie said with a sly grin.

Dande placed her hand on Emmy’s shoulder. “Do you feel the urge to break anything?”

“No.”

“Set something on fire?”

“No.”

“Crawl into bed and not come out for a month?”

“No. Dande, what is up with you?” Emmy said. “Why would I want to do any of that?”

Dande perked right up. “Well, that’s wonderful!”

“Uh…okay,” Emmy said, looking at Ellie who just shrugged.

“You’ve made remarkable progress!” Dande grinned.

“Great,” Emmy said, still looking to Ellie for help.

“I don’t believe, based on my initial observations, that you’re going to suffer any destructive angst-ridden episodes because of this,” Dande reported quite happily.

“She’s loaded, she’ll never remember it anyway,” Ellie said.

“I am not loaded,” Emmy said. “I’m only loaded when I can’t walk in these heels anymore.”

Suddenly, Jael appeared, dragging Bond far away from the flock of princesses Logan had just finished ogling. “I saw what you did with that gross Death Eater, and it was disgusting,” she said in passing as she led her man to the darkest corner of the dance floor…but light enough so those princesses would know who he rightly belonged to.

“Lovely,” Emmy said with a sigh. “So where do I get another one of these?” she asked, tapping her empty glass.

Part 4

Meanwhile, down in the Dungeons:

“Sev, if whatever that was that just landed on me turned my hair any other colour, you’re in big trouble.”

Snape mostly ignored his Wo’s complaints. He was used to it.

“Didn’t you actually have a room in this place? I can’t believe you slept on this cot in the Potions store cupboard.”

Snape kept his eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling. And sighed.

Laure took that as a good sign and leaned a little closer.

“And what about the smell? How old are these bedclothes?”

“Must you talk? I was almost enjoying myself.” In a bid to prove it, he placed his hands on Laure’s hips.

She looked down at him, eyes softening. Course that could have just been the bellinis or she was getting tired of doing most of the work. Whatever the reason, she did stop complaining.

For a few moments.

“I don’t suppose you have any wine down here, do you? I’m working up quite a thirst.”

“Enough!” Snape growled and sat up quickly, grabbing Laure around the waist and pulling her beneath him.

Agreeing the setting wasn’t ideal, he was prepared to put in a bit more effort for an aggressive but quiet boink.

~*~

“What is that?” Dor cried, hands slapping over her ears.

“It’s dreadful,” LP said, gently placing his fingers to his own ears.

“Make it stop!” Xani hid under the folding table that served as the wand depository as Celine Dion blared over the speakers. “You said they didn’t have Banthas here. You know how much I hate Banthas!”

Dor warily peeked out of the relocated puppet theatre – they couldn’t be expected to spend the entire party in the foyer! - and looked over the dance floor. “Oh, she said,” finally dropping her hands as she saw the Wench pulled to her husband in an alpha embrace. “It’s just Dande.”

“I don’t believe you,” Xani said.

“Don’t be a baby,” Dor said.

Xani simply shook his head and remained under the table.

~*~

Emmy tapped her Louboutin impatiently as the phone rang and rang.

“Huh…yes?”

“Tav!” Emmy began to pace. “Why didn’t you call me? It’s well past nine!”

Tavington paused mid-bid, eyes wide on the ebay screen before glancing down at the clock to find that it was 10:17. How could that much time have passed?

“Tav! Hello!”

“Oh,” Tavington snapped back in to focus. “Yes. I apologize, I—“

“Why didn’t you call me,” the Dean demanded.

“Ah. I have good news!”

“I own the dress?”

“You do, indeed,” Tavington replied with a triumphant smile as he hurried back to his bid.

“Sweet!! You’re the best! I won’t forget this.” The Dean paused when she heard him typing madly. “What are you doing now?” She hadn’t any idea that Tavington could actually type. She knew she should have hired him as her PA instead of—no wait, she refused to think about her PA at the moment.

“Me?” Tavington paused mid-bid again. “I’m…I’m just completing the…memo you left…uh….”

“Seriously?”

Tavington felt that perhaps he should tell the truth but couldn’t really see the point of it in the moment.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID.

“No!” he exclaimed.

“What? No, what?” Emmy asked, quickstepping away from pasty-faced Gryffindor who was about to spew unpleasant drunkenness over the banister. “You’re not working on my memo?”

YOU ARE THE WINNER

“Yes!” Tav exclaimed.

“So you are working on it, then,” Emmy said. “That’s very thoughtful of you, but don’t worry about it, I can finish it tomorrow.” She was feeling surprisingly benevolent now that she knew the dress was hers.

“Very well,” Tav said, not hearing a word she said. “Enjoy your evening,” he added, hanging up the phone and entering a new search.

“Uh…kay…bye.” A slight inkling of suspicion crawled up her neck, but she quickly forgot it when she saw the bellini table being replenished.

~*~

“Nggghhhhhhhh……..” Darry said into the pitch black broom cupboard.

“Do you like that?” That was the blond one.

“Hold on, I need to move my arm.” That was the other one.

“Where did you learn that?” Darry was curious.

“From him.” They both said.

Aha, the Library YouTube video had actually been good for something.

“OW! What the hell did I just step in? Fuck this fucking closet!” Or some arrangement of those words.

“I think it’s a bucket. Hold on- lumos.”

“That’s better. This is bloody ridiculous. These are Jimmy Choo’s, for frak’s sake!”

“Why are you wearing his shoes?” Cute, but not that bright.

“Never mind him; he’s got no fashion sense. Here give me your foot.” Cute and bright. But a terrible pedigree.

“Oh, and you know who Jimmy Choo is, Malfoy.”

“I know enough to assume she’s not wearing clothes that actually belong to someone else.”

“Oy, that’s not on! These robes are mine!”

“Boys, do you honestly want to stand around having this conversation or would you like to do somthnnnggghhnnnnn--”

Guess not.

“Hold…on…wait. Someone’s coming- I can hear…footsteps.” Draco, becoming paranoid, stopped mid-snog.

“uth- it’s-nobody-just-”

“Harry, I’m sure I can hear-”

“Draco, leave him alone. Or rather…don’t!”

Bang! Bang! Bang!

“Merlin!” Draco whispered. “I know that sound! Harry, gimme my hand back.”

“Watch it, Blondie, my earring is attached to my ear, you know. Just ignore it, they’ll go away.”

“He is not going to go away. Damn, I can’t get these bloody buttons done up.”

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“DRACO!” A familiar voice shouted at the closet door.

“Go away!”

“Mordred, Darry, what are you doing?”

“Draco! I know you’re in there! Open this door!” Draco was right; they were now pretty much toast.

“Would someone tell me what is going on?”

“Harry, you’re caught on my dress. Here, help me to--”

“Alohomora!”

“WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHH! Umph! Umph! Umph!"

Darry, Draco and Harry landed on the floor at Lucius’ feet in a haphazard pile of bodies that were now not mostly clothed in their designer attire.

Draco looked up at his father and lied as fast as he could. Although a Malfoy, which made lying a skill that came easily, he was also a sixteen-year-old boy, which made coming up with a credible lie a skill that didn’t. “We…um…all just tripped over and fell in here.”

Darry snorted. “Undressed? Please, Blondie, that Brussels Sprout woman didn’t believe that excuse last week when she caught us all in the Prefects bath. D’you think it’s gonna work now?”

“Actually, I think Prof Sprout did believe us,” Harry said.

“Really?” Darry was genuinely surprised. At the time, it was the lamest thing she’d ever heard.

“Yeah.”

“Gosh, sorry Draco. My bad. Carry on.”

~*~

With lightning-fast Klingon reflexes, Worf was on the scene and had confiscated Lucius’ cane before the stunned wizard could even contemplate which of the three he wanted to pummel first.

“You!” Worf indicated Darry and her dates. “Back to the dance.”

Darry looked up at him. “What, like this?”

Worf snarled and the trio bid a hasty half-dressed retreat. If Lucius’ wand hand hadn’t been in a vice-like Warrior Grip, he would have turned all three of them into much worse things than ferrets.

“You!” Worf now turned his formidable countenance upon Lucius. “I’ve had enough of your petaQ (excrement)!”

Lucius’ eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to retort, hoping he had enough ability in wandless magic to Unspeakable the Klingon well past the next life and into the one beyond that.

But then all was thwarted as Delphi danced over, drink in hand and quite oblivious to the near-death match she’d just found her EAs engaged in.

“Hello boys!” She draped herself between them and smiled a little tipsily. “Enjoying the ball?”

The stand-off silently came to a very un-amicable end.

Worf released Lucius’ wrist but did not return his cane. Lucius made no effort to retrieve it, sure the Klingon had no intention of giving it back. No matter. He knew where Worf lived. And he still had his wand. Stowing it safely under his robe he untangled himself from Delphi. With a final scowl at the IT staff, he strode away down the darkened corridor in an effort to get himself as far away from any Muggle, boy- wizard, Ho, Wo, Wench, princess, mutant, Jedi, Elf, and any other being within five feet of him.

~*~

The Dean carefully approached Delphi, the third (fourth?) bellini in her hand making her shoes slightly wobbly.

“Heeeeyyy!” Delphi said, slumped against Worf but giving Emmy a big wave.

“Hi, uh….” Emmy thought about how to broach the uncomfortable subject, but she had to do right by the IT Girl. “So, uh…I just need to tell you something about Lucius,” she said chewing nervously on her lip.

Delphi’s eyes flew open. “Whaddhe do??” She leaned forward but kept her sturdy position against her Klingon. “Oh, don’t tell me he AK’d a Hufflepuff! So that’s why he took off! I really cranked up the juice on the anti-Unforgiveable program!”

“No,” Emmy said.

Delphi frowned. “He messed with Dumbledore’s pensieve?”

“No.” Emmy took a deep breath. “It’s sorta something involving me.”

Delphi looked confused. Then she looked down at the Dean’s feet and shrugged. “He didn’t turn your shoes to snakes, so I’m stumped.”

Emmy leaned in close. “I snogged your EA. I’m SO SORRY, I just, it was him, he—“

Delphi started laughing. “Ahhh, good party, huh!”

“It will NEVER happen again, I swear, I’m so sorry,” Emmy sputtered.

Delphi laughed again and flapped her hand at The Dean. “Fun, right!”

Emmy appeared both confused and incredibly relieved that her online shopping access wasn’t going to be cut off.

“Oh, that’s great,” Delphi said, still snickering slightly as she wiped her eyes. “Now I really have something to use against Lucius,” she said, staggering toward the dance floor upon spotting Professor Binns.

“I know, right?” Emmy said and then she frowned. “Hey!”

“You there!” Worf bellowed, marching forward in an attempt to confiscate Jael’s shoes.

Part 5

“Why do you look so giddy?” Judy eyed Kendra suspiciously. In fact, that was pretty much the only way she ever eyed her padawan.

“I caught him!” Kendra said, bouncing up and down.

“Caught who.” The Dean made a funny face as she sampled her bellini, not because the drink tasted bad but because at that point she’d lost the ability to taste anything at all.

“My Elf! I caught him!” Kendra was beaming brighter than her sparkly dress and heels.

Emmy raised her glass in salute. “Well done.”

Judy took a step forward. “And what exactly did you do with him once caught?”

Kendra giggled.

Judy and Emmy exchanged amused looks as their eyebrows raised with intrigue.

“So?” Judy said

“C’mon, spill,” the Diva said.

Kendra just giggled.

“Pardon me.”

The Ho’s all turned to find Will Turner standing just behind Kendra.

“May I have the pleasure of this dance,” Will said, taking Kendra’s hand and leading her forward.

Kendra made a funny squeaking noise and followed where her Pirate led.

“She may not survive this,” Judy said with a laugh.

Emmy finished up her bellini and smacked her lips. “Good on her,” the Dean replied, raising her empty glass in the air and turning on her heel to find more.

“She might not either,” Judy smirked and then walked toward the foyer where the General was still impressing the Durmstrang boys with his ability to harness Peeves with the power of the Force and dangle him over the new fire pit in the floor that Dor accidentally conjured with a Slytherin wand.

“Kenobi,” Judy said, marching up right behind him.

“Hmm?” The General looked over his shoulder and grinned. “Oh hello,” he said grinning even wider.

“What exactly are you doing?”

“Oh…I….” The General allowed Peeves to dip low to the fire and then flung him back up again (the General had imbibed more than a few of Ellie’s bellinis himself).

Judy circled her arms around his waist and whispered, “I need you to help me with inventory.”

The General’s face scrunched in confusion. “But we’re not on camp—“ Then a light bulb went on. “Oh! Yes, of course!” He turned to his audience. “Sorry, boys. Important business to attend to.” He waved as they bemoaned his departure and then grabbed Judy and found an appropriately dark and deserted corridor as Peeves sailed out of sight in the opposite direction.

~*~

“So when are you going to wear one of those,” Logan said, eyes darting toward the princesses.

Ellie shifted her hips to make sure her thigh was perfectly revealed. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Logan eyed her hungrily. Then he grabbed her around the waist and ran his hand up her thigh. “I said, when are we getting the hell out of here?”

Ellie smirked. “That’s what I thought you said,” she replied with a waggle of her eyebrows as they began to bump and grind to the music.

~*~

Emmy wandered down the dark, endless corridor, reaching out for the cool wall as her feet randomly stepped off-pace thanks to the bellinis. Damn that stupid Peeves for telling her to follow him to the Professor’s Washroom where there wouldn’t be 16 year- olds narrowly avoiding to puke on her shoes. As it was, she found herself stuck in a dank room furnished only with a large, dusty mirror that had an odd shape to it or something since it made her look taller than she actually was.

And then Peeves just ditched her when he got irritated that nothing else appeared with her reflection, which really made no sense to the Dean since it was just a stupid mirror.

So she was left completely turned around in icky, dark corridors. Who decorated this lame school anyway?

She took a right around the next corner. Or was it supposed to be left? No matter, she could hear the thrum of Kingsley spinning You Shook Me All Night Long so she knew she’d find her way back eventually.

As Emmy rounded the corner, touching the wall again to make sure she didn’t lose balance, she saw someone approaching quite rapidly from the far, dark opposite end of the long corridor.

“Oh terrific,” she said under her breath when she realized it was her PA in pissed off mode (like he had another one). Emmy’s arm instinctively moved toward her face with a phantom drink, and then she pouted when she realized her hand was empty. “Dammit,” she grumbled, certain that the fates were aligned against her that they’d force her into a post-snog conversation without a cocktail.

She continued her pace, refusing to be intimidated by his angry gait and icy wrath in his eyes. “What, someone steal your pimp stick?” she said, rounding the next corner as they met at the intersection of the corridor, and she continued on her way. The Dean had zero intention of stopping for small talk.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his face bent to a snarl as he seemed to pass her without a glance. But then she felt a rush of air as he suddenly turned, grabbed her arm, and started pulling her in the opposite direction from which she was headed.

She yanked back as he yanked forward, “What the—“

And then the Dean quite literally got a face full of Death Eater.

~*~

With the departure of Lucius from the Great Hall, Draco and Darry finally got a chance to have a nice soppy slow dance.

LP took the opportunity to try and chat up Harry who, at LP’s advances, became extremely embarrassed and not a little frightened. He’d never met anyone in a movie before.

Judy and Remus were having a nice turn around the dance floor, too, the ex-teacher reliving his old school-days in a wiser and perhaps less-drunken fashion than he had as a teenager. And although he managed to avoid Snape at HSU most of the time, he was glad to see that the Potions Master had a date for the dance and wouldn’t get even more emo after the drink started flowing a bit more freely.

Meanwhile, behind one of the long velvet curtains, Ellie was busy doing something she shouldn’t with someone she’d said she wasn’t going to do anything with. At least Darry’s designated driver would be in a good mood tomorrow.

Minerva McGonagall didn’t know what to think so she just chose not to as the handsome Canadian mutant waltzed her around the floor. Not for the first time had Logan reduced a refined and intelligent woman into a quivering puddle of mush.

~*~

“This,” the Dean panted, “is a bad idea…uff” she added eloquently as her back hit the wall of the DADA classroom.

“Undoubtedly,” Lucius replied…which actually sounded more like “nndummffy” due to the Dean’s neck being in the way.

“OW!” she yelped. “No bitingggghhhh…mmmmkay maybe just a little….”

A stack of books, a glass canister of Twizzlers, and a carefully balanced pyramid of glow sticks went crashing to the floor as Lucius planted the Dean on the DADA instructor’s desk.

“Stop…choking….”

“Then lose the damn cloak at least!”

A rustle of heavy fabric whooshed to the floor, and, free to breathe, he lunged forward.

“Ow,” the Dean repeated as her head cracked against the frame of the desk chair.

“Quit stabbing me,” Lucius snapped as he rearranged the Dean’s dress.

“I’d have to…guhhh…take mmmmy shoessss….”

“Leave them,” he growled, yanking the Dean’s hips upward to get her heel out of his thigh.

“Augh! The snake has teeth.”

Lucius grabbed his wand from the secret loop on his belt and tossed it on the desk.

~*~

“Goat! I need a goat!”

“Why?” LP said raising a disapproving brow.

“How am I possibly supposed to teach them voodoo without a goat?” Dor asked.

“There are chickens,” Xani said, gesturing with a glass to the collection of princesses while he propped his feet up on the table.

“I could turn him into a goat,” one of the 5th year Slytherins offered as he pointed to a Gryffindor.

“You just try it!” the Gryffindor replied, raising his wand.

“Boys! Stop fighting!” Pause. “Oh for frak’s sake, this is just like being at home!” Dor yelled.

“Is it now,” Xani purred, suddenly jumping up for a lengthy examination of Dor’s neck.

“I’m trying to teach a class here,” Dor mildly objected before dropping to the table, the boys looking on with awe.

~*~

“Uh…seff…hiss…ine…”

“Wha?”

The Dean blew Lucius’ shirt collar, scrunched waistcoat, and jacket lapel off her face. “I…said…it’s…mine…”

Lucius cursed the ring as it got even more tangled in his hair, locking his head in whatever position the Dean so chose. Although, admittedly, it was the first time it ever had been stuck in his hair, which in some distant part of his mind he recognized as an improvement over its previous owner.

“Ohmygawd do that again…no not that…no not that…no…no…that!” the Dean ordered. The desk lurched with a loud screech, causing the chair to fall over and crash on the power button of the miniature remote control Artoo unit, which whirred to life and spun in circles until it lodged itself under the desk.

“You…are…in…cessant….”

“That’s…why…I’m…the…Dean….”

The portraits all turned their heads away – took ‘em long enough – except for the one featuring Gilderoy Lockhart, its dandy occupant seeming to take copious notes, eyes growing wider as the dialogue between Dean and Death Eater grew in volume and creativity.

~*~

Kendra relaxed in a chair, positively glowing after having successfully caught her Elf, danced with her Pirate, and had a lovely conversation with her Prince about something she couldn’t remember, as she just liked to hear him talk.

She sighed as Nat King Cole’s smooth-as-velvet voice sounded in the Hall, and then she jumped when a pair of invisible hands skated down her arms. She turned quickly to find the General smiling and swaggering toward her.

“I believe they’re playing our song,” he said, pulling her close and moving her slowly to the dance floor as he caressed his cheek against her hair.

~*~

“Uh…eye inkersh a buddy eye oaing buvus”

“What.”

Mini-Artoo helpfully provided a translation of chirps and whistles, albeit slightly muffled by the desk’s modesty panel.

The Dean, unable to make use of her limbs after such an intense…errr…endeavor, sputtered and blew Lucius’ shirt collar, scrunched waistcoat, and jacket lapel off her face yet again. “I think there’s a bloody guy floating above us,” she mumbled, unsure if she was hallucinating after the rocket fuel, bellinis, and multiple head thunks.

Lucius’ head popped up to see the Bloody Baron bobbing about, seeming to tsk and shake his head with great disdain. The spent wizard clunked his forehead on the desk next to the Dean’s ear and sighed heavily as he attempted to regain his faculties.

“He doesn’t seem to like me very much,” she observed as the Bloody Baron made choking gestures.

“Can you blame him?” Lucius grumbled and then “uff”d when the suddenly re- animated Dean smacked him on the head, sending his face back down to the desktop with significant force.

“Off! Off!” The Dean pounded on his shoulders, sitting up as he moved and elbowing him away from her. She slid off the desk and stood proud on her Louboutins, shaking out her completely demolished up-do. “You reparo this skirt seam right now,” she growled.

“Or what,” Lucius replied, straightening his waistcoat and jacket and trying to look dignified with a rat’s nest in his hair left behind by the formerly-Malfoy-then-Nurse- owned-now-Diva-co-opted ring.

Emmy glared at him and grabbed her clutch, pulling out her red iPhone. “Rita Skeeter on speed dial,” she said, then ducking out of the way as Lucius made a blur for his wand.

~*~

“It appears,” the General said, observing the Great Hall in a shambles of unconscious teenage boys and several piles of chicken feathers, “that the ball was a success.”

Judy smiled. “It’s not in my pub, I don’t care how terrible it looks.”

Kendra visibly shuddered at the thought of what would have happened had it actually been the pub.

“This last dance is for all the lovers out there,” Kingsley said, spinning Faithfully while a table suspiciously fell over in the corner.

“There you are,” the General said, seeing Emmy round a corner and walking with great purpose toward them. “We haven’t had our dance.”

Emmy came to a screeching halt, nearly toppling over but recovering nicely, all things considered. She inhaled and opened her mouth to speak. And then she started moving again as the General attempted to step closer. “Totally beat! Time to go, right?” she said, walking toward and then past him. “I’ll wait for you guys in the car!”

Kendra was too distracted by memories of the evening’s Elf braiding to even notice the Dean, and Judy was always the opportunist. “Her loss,” she said with a shrug before grabbing the General for the last dance.

Part 6

…the morning after...

Emmy groaned and rubbed her forehead as she walked barefoot down her hallway and into her office. She needed a cappuccino. NOW. She paused in the doorway, yawning and stretching. She adjusted her drawstring pants and her Come to the Darkside, We Have Cookies t-shirt as she padded slowly to her GDC and slumped down into the chair with a sigh.

Knowing the sequence in her sleep, she entered the code for cappuccino and rubbed her eyes as the espresso brewed just a little too loudly. Emmy rubbed her cheeks. Just how many bellinis did she have again? She’d lost count somewhere around five.

The aroma of espresso slowly roused her senses – the ones not pounding in her head, that is. A small panel slid open on the right arm of the chair, and a cappuccino with perfect foam rose to meet her hand. Emmy took a grateful sip, savoring the velvety dark roast and natural sweetness of the milk. She set the cup down and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the desk, finally fully opening her eyes.

Emmy yawned again, her unfocused gaze resting on the top of her desk.

Desk!

The Dean shot upright, then stumbled back down to the GDC again, memories of the previous night’s desk activities suddenly flooding into her conscious thoughts.

“Oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gaaawwwd,” the Dean groaned in the completely opposite tone she’d used on that other desk.

Then she slapped a hand over her mouth to silence her wibbling. Blinking her eyes a few times to regain focus, she tentatively leaned to the left so she could see out her office doorway and into her small reception area where her PA’s desk sat in her line of sight.

Occupied!

The Dean gasped and darted back to the right in order to be out of view. She took a long sip of cappuccino as she contemplated her transgression.

“Oh gawwwwwd,” she whined – quietly this time – rubbing a palm to her forehead, completely boggled that she actually boinked the Death Eater. And on a desk! Yoda’s desk!

The Dean slammed her eyes shut as the room began to spin. She took a deep breath. She opened her eyes.

Emmy set her cappuccino down, but all she could see was the desk. So she stood, pacing the far end of her office so she couldn’t be seen. How could she possibly function in the same room as a desk now? She would have to redecorate her entire office! But if not a desk, then what?

Ah, a table!

No, a table looked too much like a desk. And wouldn’t look near as stylish with her GDC.

Maybe she could have her GDC retrofitted with some sort of convertible flat surface that could be used as a desktop.

Still a desk!

“Gaaahh,” Emmy fussed, tumbling onto her office sofa and hiding her face in a pillow.

She laid there for several minutes before deciding she needed to take the high road and put the entire stupid drunken situation behind her. Emmy carefully stood from the sofa, testing her ability to handle gravity with a bellini-soaked brain.

Whyyyyy had she gone with bellinis? She didn’t even like them.

Emmy scrunched her face, contemplating all the things she didn’t like but did anyway the night before.

She returned to her GDC and turned on her computer, taking another big gulp of her cappuccino. She could this. She was the Dean, after all! She would handle this like an adult. She would confront Lucius about the entire incident and call it water under the bridge!

So she loaded Instant Messenger, opened a window to L. Malfoy, and prepared to confront the Death Eater. Yes, the same L. Mafoy, Death Eater, who still sat only several paces from her.

The Dean’s fingered hovered over the message window. A confrontation of this nature would require only a brief exchange. But she had to find the right words. Something like: I was drunk. You were cross. Let’s just agree to forget the whole thing and move forward.

Yes, that would make a fine, grown-up confrontation message. Nothing awkward and no one else would ever know. She certainly would never let it get out, and she knew that he would rather adopt Harry Potter than tell anyone about it. Over and done with.

The Dean clenched her fists and released, preparing to type out the mature, reasonable thing.

She paused and leaned slightly to the left again, carefully looking through her door. She saw Lucius still seated at his desk, head bent slightly forward, wand pointed directly at his forehead.

Curious, she leaned forward, trying to overhear the murmur. Unable to do so, she quietly tip toed around the unseen side of her desk and along the wall until she reached the door. Slowly, she leaned to the edge of the door, ears perked.

“Obliviate, obliviate, obliviate,” Lucius repeated, poking his wand against his forehead.

The Dean’s mouth dropped open with indignation!

“Obliviate, obliviate, obliviate.”

The nerve!

Sure, she wished she could forget it, but that wasn’t point, now was it!

“Of all the arrogant, egotistical, fat headed....” The Dean grumbled under her breath as she marched the same unseen path back to her GDC.

“Obliviate, obliviate, obliviate,” Lucius said louder this time, growing more and more irritated that he appeared wholly unable to wipe his own memory. “Obliviate, obliviate, oblivi—outrageous,” he growled, pounding his fist on the desk. He’s used this simple spell thousands of times on others without fail! The only reason he even bothered reporting for work this morning was because he needed time alone to alter his brain! Disgusted, he tossed his wand onto the desk top.

Merlin, WHY did it have to be a desk?

Lucius glared at his computer screen when an obnoxious ping alerted him to a new message.

The Dean: FYI – IT WAS NOTHING. GET OVER YOURSELF.

He turned to see the Dean staring at her own computer screen, arms crossed on her chest. And so, he typed in response:

L. Malfoy: HAPPY YOU CONCUR THAT NOTHING OCCURRED.

Emmy bit her lip as she read the message. Maybe she could live with that. In fact, it was surprisingly reasonable considering—wait, why was his window blinking again?

L. Malfoy: IN FACT, MOST UNEVENTFUL, FORGETTABLE EVENING OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE

Emmy’s eyes widened with offense. But then she caught herself when she realized that Lucius was looking at her, a clever smirk on his face. She grabbed her cappuccino and adopted her best neutral expression, sitting tall as though she were wearing her best Dior suit instead of her Dark Side Cookies shirt and drawstring pants.

Lucius “hmm”d with smug satisfaction and turned his attention back to his wand, retrieving it with his gloved hand and confidently placing it back in the cane, feeling remarkably improved in disposition.

And then his eyes darted to the screen as the messenger pinged again.

The Dean: AGREED.

Lucius arched a brow.

The Dean: JUST BECAUSE I CARE, I WANTED YOU TO KNOW

Lucius arched the other brow

The Dean: THAT THE NURSE HAS ACCESS TO VIAGRA

Then his brows furrowed sharply.

The Dean: BUT YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.
The Dean: JUST BECAUSE I CARE
The Dean: GOOD CALL TO WEAR SO MANY LAYERS, THOUGH

Emmy smirked as she heard the tell-tale thwacking of the cane on the desk.

Desk!

The Dean closed her messenger and darted out of her GDC. She needed a shower and significant wardrobe change.

Mere hours later, she returned to her office, clean-haired, clear-headed, and simply but confidently dressed in her charcoal grey Michael Kors wrap dress and Louboutin grey python boots. Emmy settled into her GDC and prepared to tackle her inbox, as she had NO intention of being subjected to the inevitable Ho teasing for merely snogging the Death Eater, which would only remind her of the thing that no one else had witnessed.

Then a paper owl - which strongly resembled a paper airplane, only with a sharp beak – sailed through her office door and came to a stop on her face. Emmy grabbed the paper with great annoyance and unfolded it to find Lucius’ snobby handwriting on the inside.

“You have packages. Their odor offends. Much like yours.”

Emmy crumpled the paper and threw it in the trash can. She marched into the reception area, completely ignored her PA and his stupid smug face, grabbed the stack of boxes from the shipping/receiving table that occupied the entire length of the wall, and returned to her office, kicking her door shut with her fabulous boot.

The Dean rubbed her hands together as she marveled the stack of packages upon her desk.

Desk! Dammit!

Emmy shook her head and re-gained focus. She couldn’t recall ordering so many items, but that wouldn’t have been the first time she lost track of her acquisitions.

Opening the first one, she found the fabulous Yves St Laurent dress that Tavington had won for her on ebay. (Not only was hired help a requirement at HSU but so was instantaneous shipping.) Emmy held it up and grinned as she admired the beautiful construction of the black silk charmeuse.

She carefully placed it back in the box and set it aside to rip open the next box. “What the crap?”

Emmy grabbed the next box and ripped it open. “What the crap!”

And the next. “What! The! Crap!”

The Dean turned on her fabulous heel, swung the door open, and marched to her PA’s boxy structure upon which his computer sat. “What did you do?” she demanded. Besides shag her. Dammit!

Lucius, moving with wizardly speed to transform the Borgin and Burkes catalog back to a stapler, looked up impatiently.

“Well?” The Dean tapped her fabulous boot. “What did you do?”

“Which time?” Lucius replied with agitation.

Emmy marched back into her office and then returned with the opened stack of boxes. She pulled out the first time. “Big knife,” she said, holding it up for brief inspection.

Lucius wrinkled his nose.

The Dean threw it back in the box and tossed it aside before grabbing the next. “Musket revolver.”

Lucius added a forehead scrunch to his wrinkled nose.

“And, to top it off, an old musty piece of paper,” she said, reaching for the last box and pulling out a scroll of parchment.

Lucius was suddenly intrigued, leaning forward slightly.

“Can’t wait for this,” she said sarcastically, glaring at him as she unrolled the parchment. She prepared to lower the boom on whatever ridiculous items he’d dared to purchase at her expense…except she couldn’t figure out exactly what it was.

Lucius’ arm twitched as he forced himself not to reach out and grab the parchment from her hands to see for himself what it might be. After all, he might end up inadvertently touching her offensive muggle hand in doing so, and Lucius Malfoy had zero interest in touching muggles ever and that was final.

Except for his Wo, of course.

“Which is….” The Dean dug around the box with the other hand trying to find some sort of packing slip. “Ah-ha!” She gave Lucius a haughty look, barely able to contain her thrill at the opportunity to bust his ass on personal shopping with her American Express number.

Lucius just gave her a blank look.

“It’s a,” Emmy squinted as she read the slip, “an 18th century reproduction map of Ohio.” She frowned. She looked at Lucius. She frowned more. And then, “Ah.”

“Ah?”

“Ah.” Emmy dropped the parchment back in the box, dropped it on the floor. She then stepped forward, grabbed Lucius’ phone, and dialed the Clinic, glaring at him with the threat of incineration to dust if he dared touch her.

Lucius rolled his chair in the opposite direction at this egregious invasion of his space, coming to an abrupt stop when the castor rolled over his cloak.

“Oh, Remus, hello,” Emmy said pleasantly as Lucius wrinkled his nose again. “Is Tavington there? Great. Could you please ask him to come to my office.”

Lucius smirked. He knew what it meant when the Dean adopted her cordial voice. Things weren’t going to end well for Tavington. The Death Eater was pleased to take that one bright spot in his day.

“Thanks so much, Remus. Oh, and thank you for the chocolate! Yes, I found it. You’re right, it did wonders for the hangover. Thanks again. Okay, bye.” Emmy hung up the phone and took a few steps away from the desk, waiting patiently for the Colonel to arrive.

Lucius rolled forward to get a good view of the impending firestorm. This should wipe that mocking smirk off Tavington’s face. Not to mention exact appropriate revenge on the Dean’s credit card statement for having tricked him last night into…oh never mind, it made his Dark Mark hurt to think about it.

“Hello,” Emmy said with a soft smile when Tavington entered her office.

“Good afternoon,” he replied with a slight nod of his head. He then looked to Lucius and offered a much more curt nod.

Lucius was unmoved.

“I believe these are for you,” Emmy said, gesturing to the boxes on the floor and then folding her arms, same pleasant expression on her face.

Lucius felt almost giddy – as much as a Death Eater could – when Tavington’s expression shifted from self-composed to ensnared upon seeing the ebay haul in-person and broad daylight. Then he looked to the Dean, her lips still upturned in a smile, her eyes revealing very little. Lucius leaned forward.

“I see,” Tavington said. He looked from the packages to the Dean to the packages to the Dean.

“It appears,” Emmy said, bending down to pick up the box with the revolver.

“Allow me,” Tavington said, stepping forward to take the heavy box from her.

Emmy smiled. “It appears that you made some interesting purchases.”

Lucius realized his leg was bouncing with anticipation. He quickly stilled it with his hand, his fingers tapping on his knee.

“I,” Tavington gave her another, brief nod. “Oh,” he said, stepping forward again as Emmy bent down to hand him the map and the knife. “Please, allow me,” he repeated, bending forward to take the large blade from her hand as she stood.

This was it, Lucius could sense it. The python-booted Dean was about to strike.

“Seeing as these purchases were made on my account,” the Dean said, eyes intent on his.

Tavington noticeably shifted his feet.

Lucius noticeable hunched forward, unable to lean any further since he was pressed as close to the desk as possible. Bloody desk.

“Next time, please make sure you complete a purchase order,” Emmy said, patting him on the shoulder. “I do have to track my expenses accurately.”

“I,” Tavington said, his head cocking slightly to one side.

Lucius’ head cocked significantly to one side.

Emmy smiled. “Taxes and all,” she said, flapping her hand. “Silly but must be done.”

Tavington blinked. “Of course. I apologize for not—“

“Oh, no worries,” Emmy said, playing with a lock of hair that had fallen from behind her ear. “It’s an understandable oversight.”

Lucius realized his mouth was hanging open and quickly closed it before anyone noticed.

Tavington still did not speak. He simply assessed what had transpired and plotted his next move.

“Oh,” Emmy said, “and thank you again for ordering the dress. It’s really beautiful.”

Tavington proudly pulled his shoulders back. “In that case, it is perfectly suited to you.”

Emmy’s cheeks reddened slightly. “Oh, well, thank you,” she said, giving him coy glance.

Lucius very nearly almost vomited. Fortunately, he recovered quickly before anyone noticed.

“Enjoy your new toys,” Emmy said, still smiling.

“Indeed,” Tavington said. He gave the Dean another slight bow of his head and Lucius received a head twitch before Tavington turned and exited the office.

“Bye,” Emmy said looking out into the hallway. “Oh, and just…minor detail…it would be best if you kept bullets away from anyone else. Except for Cal, of course.”

“Of course,” he said, anxious to return to his bunk to review his purchases.

Emmy stood there for a moment then stepped back, turned, and transformed from congenial lass to moxie dame, giving Lucius her ‘you lookin’ at me?’ expression as her fabulous boots stalked back into her office. She slammed her door and immediately decided it was time for a nap.

~*~

All of the Pub’s windows had been thrown open in an attempt to help clear everyone’s throbbing heads and foggy memories.

Darry sat with her hungover staff. Tav, while technically Laure’s staff was, technically, the Dean’s property and hadn’t been seen since Emmy had called for him in the Clinic. The Dean’s PA was also MIA, much to Darry’s relief. That confrontation would best be held when she was slightly less exhausted. And not covered in love- bites.

“So how was it?” she asked the men who had opted for Hooters instead of the ball. Cedric had yet to lift his head from the table and Cicero, droopy-eyed, was glancing everywhere but at her.

Remus fared no better having attended the ball and was on his fourth cup of black coffee and eating a chocolate bar made with 90% cocoa.

Ellie, therapeutic Marlboro in hand, sat with her Mastah and played footsie under the table with her EF. The two Ho’s had to make sure the aspirin didn’t run out and figured sitting in the Pub they could also catch up on the gossip.

Judy kept the coffee and Alka-Seltzer topped up, although she didn’t look much better than anyone else. Kendra was once again relegated to watching her Elf from afar, as he seemed to escape a hangover and was happily trying to turn the Orcs into pincushions.

Dor and her boys walked in and plopped down at a table. Xani had managed to find his shirt. A few moments later Laure and Commo, with the obligatory musical fanfare, came in and sat down with them. Snape had stayed behind to help McGonagall retrieve the missing staff and students.

Max didn’t look much better than his Servant post-Hooters, but Bond seemed okay. Practice, it was assumed. Jael was armed a bit more heavily this morning, but still looked a little worse for wear.

The IT Department, when they arrived, didn’t look much better. Worf was back in his street clothes but looked surlier than normal. Delphi was dressed even further “down” than usual in a pair of cut-off denim shorts and a t-shirt with the slogan “Resistance Is Futile” splashed across the bust.

Then Dande came wafting in. She looked incredibly head/back/groin-ache-free. How did she do it? Especially considering that her husband and The General merely sat at a table with heads in their hands.

“Who’s for a nice relaxing spa session?” Dande asked. Everyone’s hand shot up.

Just then an owl flew through one of the open windows, followed closely by a barrage of Orc arrows. Everyone ducked.

“We’re on it!” called Boromir from outside the window. He and the HSUFD took off after the Orcs. The owl carefully made its way over to Darry’s table. Then it began eating its way through a bowl of pretzels while the Nurse took off a scroll of parchment from its leg.

“What does it say?” Judy asked, about to grab a coaster away from Cic, until she realised it wasn’t one of hers. It was from Hooters and had someone’s phone number scribbled on it.

Darry held up the letter. “It’s from McGonagall. She said the girls and the staff have all been port-keyed back from Disney World. Most of teachers aren’t very happy about it, Yoda in particular, but they’re teachers, and they have jobs to do. The students aren’t happy about being back, either.” Darry smiled. “She also says she’s very thankful to all of us for hosting such an elaborate and well-run function. The service was impeccable and the company exactly as expected.”

No one was quite sure how to interpret that last bit. Had McGonagall seen Xani dancing on the table, with nothing on but the leather trousers? Had she heard Worf singing that well-known aria “Aktuh& Maylota”? Had she calculated the sheer volume of alcohol consumed?

“Oh, there’s more,” Darry said as she turned over the parchment. “All of the boys wanted to express their gratitude for the provision of dates. And although the princesses did provide a nice diversion, most of the boys were more impressed by the real women at the dance. They were hoping to have an opportunity to thank us all personally.”

“WHAT THE FU---?!” Boromir’s cry came from outside just as 200 owls headed straight into the Pub.

The End