Title: *censored*
Author: Emmy
Disclaimer: You know I don't own any of these characters.

"So how many gold farmers do you have now?" the Dean asked as she flipped through her April Vogue.

"Oh, we don't need farmers," Tav said, sounding rather delighted. "Worf found a means around that."

Emmy snorted. "A cheat? The Klingon is chea- -"

"It's not a cheat," Tav protested, squeezing the mouse a little harder than necessary. "It is strategy."

"Riiiight." Emmy went back to perusing her magazine, pad of fluorescent Post-It Notes at the read to flag any items she had to call Mother about in the hopes of advanced samples.

"Poppet."

"Hmm?"

"I believe you have an incident brewing."

Emmy finally paid attention to the noises coming from her PA and EA in the outer office. Visions of online shopping scrapped into oblivion, the Dean scrambled off the sofa like a cat in a bathtub. "No! You both stop that right now!"

~*~

"Ow, your elbow is in my back."

"That's not my elbow."

"Not you."

"Oh, that's my elbow then."

"That's what I said. Here, hand me that," the Nurse said as her Blackberry started to buzz.

"I can't reach it."

"Not you."

"Oh, I've got it," said The Boy who Lived, grabbing the Blackberry, which was conveniently located in the Nurse's coat pocket, a coat which was hanging right next to him. In the closet.

"Yeah, what?" Darry said as she answered. "What? Really? What's it about? Why don't you know?" Then she paused as the Dean yammered like a machine gun. "Waving the Daily Prophet in his face? I'll be right over!"

"Wait, I'm- -UFF," said Harry as the Nurse opened the closet door, and he tumbled to the floor. "...leaning against the door," he added.

"Ooh, sorry!" Darry said as she tripped over him and grabbed her scrubs. "Gotta run. Emergency in the Dean's office."

"The mongrel's bit my father again!" Draco said, striding out of the closet without an "UFF" or a trip.

"Nah," Darry said.

"That mongrel is my godfather, Malfoy!" Harry protested, still sprawled on the floor.

Draco smirked. "Well that explains why you like it - -"

"Play nice while I'm gone," Darry said. "But not *too*nice til I get back."

~*~

"What is it now?" Emmy asked, clicking off her iPhone.

Sirius beamed. "You're going to love this, monkey!"

Emmy sighed. "Stop calling me that!" She grabbed the paper from his hands as Lucius glared at them both. On the front page of the Daily Prophet were two separate photographs, one of Lucius and one of Bellatrix LeStrange with the title:

Bellatrix LeStrange Resurrected? Confirmed Illicit Affair with Brother-in-Law! by Rita Skeeter

Emmy gave Sirius a dubious look.

"Look, this is the best part!" Sirius said, grabbing the paper back from her and beginning to read. "'Sources tell me that Lucius Malfoy has been carrying on illicit affair with an as yet unidentified brunette. These sources confirm that given his paramour's rumoured temper, she is likely none other than Bellatrix LeStrange, sister of Lucius Malfoy's wife, Narcissa','" Sirius read with great flourish.

Emmy's eyes grew wide as all the blood drained from her face.

"I know," Sirius said with a laugh. "You see how far the Death Eater has fallen, *censoring* my wretched harpie of a cousin." Then he turned to Lucius, "How the mighty have fallen."

Lucius pondered his situation for a moment, weighing the rewards and drawbacks of full disclosure to the ridiculous mongrel, puffed up as he was in front of his desk, holding the Daily Prophet like a child with a whizzbang. The corner of Lucius' mouth quirked up slightly. "It wasn't Bellatrix."

Emmy made a funny squeaking noise as her wide-eyes turned to her PA, her face tensing in her best attempt at a Look O'Pain, but she could only manage a Look O'Desperation.

"Oh, is that so?" Sirius said, expression mocking his clearly defeated foe.

"Right, this has been fun," Emmy said, grabbing Sirius' arm. "But I have a better- -"

"It was her," Lucius said, slightly gesturing his head toward Emmy.

Emmy's lungs seized up.

"Oh...wow," Kendra said from the doorway.

Emmy's head turned and glared at her.

"Hey, he showed me the paper first. How could I miss this?" Kendra said.

"What happened?" Darry said, suddenly bumping into Kendra. "What'd I miss?"

"Uh," Kendra said.

"Nice try, Malfoy," Sirius snorted, shaking his head at the pathetic attempt to get his goat.

Emmy stood perfectly still, thinking maybe this would just all go away.

The other side of Lucius' mouth twitched just a little. "Ask her to deny it," he said and then went back to his Borgin catalogue.

Sirius turned to Emmy, hopeful look on his face, which then turned an interesting shade of red when he saw her expression. "Tell me you're not having an affair with him."

"Oh shit," Darry said under her breath, heart racing from the intrigue. "I'm not having an affair with him!" Emmy said, literal truth being easy to say.

Sirius made note of Emmy's wriggling fingers and frantic chewing of her lower lip. "Tell me you've never *censored* him."

Emmy blinked as he forced eye contact. She opened her mouth to protest. Then she squeaked. Then she panicked. "I...he...I...."

"You *censored* Malfoy?" Sirius said, looking like he might pass out.

"It was nothing!"

"She's right about that," Lucius finally said.

"HEY!"

"What do you mean, 'HEY'? You said it was nothing!"

"It *was* nothing!"

"Indeed."

"You just shut it!" Emmy yelled, turning on the Death Eater.

"Don't talk to him!" Sirius said.

"I'll talk to whoever I please!"

"Oh, so it wasn't nothing then?" Sirius said, manic look in his eyes.

"It *was* nothing. But I am *not* nothing!"

"I beg to differ," Lucius said, his voice barely audible as he turned the page of his Borgin catalogue.

"HEY!"

"Forgettable," Lucius added.

"Then why are you still talking about it?"

Lucius finally looked up at her with indifference. "I didn't bring it up," and then he pointed to Sirius. "He did."

"You be quiet!" Sirius said, pointing back before turning on Emmy. "And you...how could you--"

"You just stop right there, Black," she said, getting in on the pointing. "You weren't even here then!"

"He's a Death Eater!"

"Retired," Emmy said for the millionth time.

"Oh, so now you're defending him?"

"I'm doing no such thing!"

Lucius smirked. "Can't blame her, really, considering how she's slumming it now."

At that, Sirius lunged toward Lucius, and Emmy quickly grabbed him. "Don't kill him! My internet access!"

"Although the degradation truly belongs to you, Black," Lucius said, leaning back only slightly just in case Sirius decided to go canine in his face. "Your mother was right about her."

"You wanna say that to my face, Malfoy?" Emmy said, yanking Sirius out of the way to get in front of the insult.

"Which part?" Lucius replied, sounding vaguely amused. "The part were you're the filthy Mug--"

"Stop right there," Emmy said, "Or I'll--" she looked down as Sirius suddenly shrunk from her peripheral vision. "Christ, would you turn back to a man, please!"

"I figured you'd prefer the dog," Lucius said.

Emmy pulled her iPhone out of her sweater pocket and clicked the speed dial screen for Rita Skeeter. "Dare me. Just dare me to give her an exclusive!"

"I can't believe you *censored* him!" Sirius said, now back in man form.

Emmy huffed and slapped her arms against her sides. "Why are we back to this again?"

"Can't forget about me, of course," Lucius said.

"Don't flatter yourself," Emmy said.

"I don't see why not. I've read the eye witness account, after all."

Dead silence followed the Death Eater's remark.

Sirius looked from Lucius to Emmy. Then he turned to face her. "Eye...witness?"

Lucius leaned forward slightly, looking terribly pleased.

Emmy blinked.

"Eye? Witness?"

Emmy blinked again.

"You *censored censored censored* a Death Eater in front of witnesses?" Sirius said.

"I did no such thing!"

Lucius leaned an arm on his plywood desk. "If you want to be technical, she really didn't *censored censored censored*!"

"OH RIGHT," Emmy yelled, turning to Lucius. "I'm sure the book says something different!"

"THERE'S A BOOK?" Sirius yelled, eyes wide and possibly twitching a bit.

Lucius made his lemon face. "As if Lockhart would know a *censored censored censored* from a--"

"YOU *CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED* A DEATH EATER IN FRONT OF LOCKHART, AND HE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT?"

"Um, are we sure he's not gonna, ya know, burst something," Kendra said.

"Don't worry, I'm a medical professional," Darry said, not taking her eyes off the action.

Lucius shook his head. "Not a whole book, just one very, *very* short passage."

"I didn't know he was there!" Emmy objected, smacking Sirius' arm. "Besides, it was his damn portrait, so it not like a *person* was actually there!"

Lucius snarled slightly. "Leave it to Dumbledore to allow that imbecile a place on the classroom wall."

Sirius' lips twitched before he was able to launch. "YOU *CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED* A DEATH EATER IN FRONT OF LOCKHART IN THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM AND HE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT?"

"Sharp, you are," Lucius said, his eyebrow quirking up slightly.

"Okay, everybody just CALM DOWN!" Emmy yelled.

"I am perfectly calm since we are talking about absolutely nothing here," Lucius said, sounding thoroughly bored.

Emmy turned on him again. "You WISH you could forget about it!"

"So you want him to remember it then!" Sirius said, gesturing madly.

"No! It's the principle of the thing! I give as good as I get and--" Emmy cut herself off, eyes growing wide once her brain caught up to her mouth.

"Oh, is that right?" Sirius said, crossing his arms.

"Doubtful," Lucius said.

"I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing!"

"Clearly," Lucius said.

"You shut up!"

"Stop posturing with him!" Sirius said, gesturing again.

"What? You saying I don't know what I'm doing?" Emmy said holding her arms out and daring the Marauder to bring it.

"YOU *CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED* A DEATH EATER!"

"ONCE! It was ONE TIME! AND IT WAS NOTHING! I didn't know that fop was watching! I didn't know he'd write a very teeny tiny passage in a book about it!"

"I'm sure you're right about the teeny tiny bit!" Sirius yelled, giving Lucius a glare.

"We might want to back up a bit," Darry said, pulling Kendra a step backwards.

Lucius bristled. "Says the convict who's been forced to live in a dog house."

"Hey, you just shut up," Emmy said. "I'm very fussy about my personal space."

"That's not what I remember," Lucius said.

Emmy jumped on Sirius' back as he lunged for Lucius again. She yanked him backwards, and got all up in his grill. "Now you LISTEN to me, Black! That was a regrettable, drunken lapse in judgment, okay? But it happened LONG before you got here. Okay, so like week before you got here, but still! YOU WEREN'T HERE YET! And I'm not a Wizard! So whatever y'all having going on with all this 'I hate you, you hate me' business is none of my concern!"

"None of your concern? I WENT TO AZKABAN BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE HIM!"

"You went to Azkaban because you were too stupid to avoid being caught," Lucius said.

"HE DIDN'T DO IT, SO JUST SHUT UP. GAWD!" Emmy took a breath. "I never would have *censored censored censored censored censored* if I knew what a yapper you were!" And then her brain caught up to her mouth again.

Sirius glared at her for several moments. "I think I've heard all I need to hear."

Darry and Kendra quickly scrambled into Kendra's office as the wild-eyed Marauder stormed toward them as he made his way for the door.

"I'll get you for this!" Emmy said, pointing at Lucius.

"Oh, really?" Lucius replied, having the best day he could remember in a long time.

Emmy made a growling noise and stomped back into her office, slammed the door, and bounced onto the sofa, huffing as she crossed her arms.

And then she remembered that Tav was still sitting in her GDC.

"What?" she snapped as he gave her an arch of his right eyebrow. Emmy sighed heavily as Tav continued to stare at her. "Okay fine, so you were actually here then."

The Colonel's brow remained perfectly arched.

"And okay fine, I made you stay here and win a dress for me that night."

Tavington remained perfectly still.

"It was one time! And I didn't even *censored* him, which, I might add, you get all the time!" Emmy glowered at his blank expression. "One stupid desk boink! Come on!"

Tavington shifted slightly, leaning his right elbow on the arm of the GDC.

"Okay fine, so I wasn't so much as *censored censored* you then!"

Tav's eyebrow lowered slightly.

"So stop your fussing. You know you'll have forgotten all about this the next time I *censored censored* you."

The Colonel's eyebrow was now intrigued.

Emmy forehead wrinkled. "What, right now?"

The corner of the Colonel's mouth crooked up just a little.

"Men," Emmy groused, grabbing her magazine and stomping off into her flat.

~*~

Emmy checked her watch. It had been nearly an hour since the blow up in her office. More than enough time for the Maurader to calm down. She dialed his cell phone. It rang and rang and rang. "Hi, this is Sirius. Sorry I missed your call, but please leave a message so I don't miss out! I'll get right back to you as soon as I can!"

She hung up and dialed the number for the Gryff Tower. It rang. And rang. And rang some more. "Hello! You've reached the Gryffindor Tower. We're sorry we missed you, but please leave us a message. Or better yet, just stop by! Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs are always welcome! If this is Kendra, please be a dear and bring back the puck. I know you think it's your lucky puck, but it's difficult to play air hockey with a Quaffle. Anyway, please leave a message after the beep!"

Emmy sighed. "I know you're there, so pick up the phone." She paused and then sighed again when he didn't answer. "I'm just going to keep talking until you pick up. Listen, I'd be mad, too, if this had happened AFTER you arrived, but it didn't! So what's the problem? God only knows who you *censored* before you got here. Okay, so you were dead then, but I'm sure you were still at it. I mean, it wouldn't be a very nice heaven if you couldn't do that. I bet you even *censored* some Princess. Now THAT'S something to be pissed about! But you don't see me mad about it, now do you? You could have *censored* the entire Princess Academy before you got here, and I wouldn't care. Well okay, I would care because I'd have to question your taste and your sanity, and I'd find you really gross for doing the entire school. But it's not like I *censored* a whole school full of Death Eaters! I mean, come on! A whole school of Princesses versus ONE measly Death Eater. I'm hardly the greatest sinner here. Just pick up the damn phone! What, you want me to grovel? 'Cause I don't grovel. I didn't do anything wrong. Okay, I did do something wrong, but not to you! I'm only wrong as far as Delphi is concerned. Oh shit, she's gonna kill me. She's REALLY gonna kill me. And she has that Klingon to help her kill me. This is so not on! You HAD to go baiting him, didn't you? And now my internet will be cut off for good! I'll have to take my laptop to McDonald's just to get online! How is that fair? Are you happy now? You've set me up to be killed by internet deprivation." Emmy sighed heavily. "Fine, be mad at me, that's just great. Everybody hates me now, that's just fine. Whatever. Story of my life. I'd just like to point out that I NEVER cut your hair while you slept. And don't think I haven't thought about it. Nor have I made you remove those tats. I could ask the Nurse to purple lightning them off, you know. But no. I've only covered them with Hello Kitties. And you seemed to like that. Whatever. You want to treat me like a criminal, then fine. Whatever. So...yeah. Whatever."

Emmy clicked off her phone and then reached for a cupcake.

~*~

"Hey, this is my lucky puck!" Kendra said, pulling the puck out of her pocket while Emmy yammered into the answering machine.

"Yes, but it's difficult to play without it," Sirius said, sulking in his chair.

"Can't you just use a coaster or something? Not one of Judy's coaster's, of course!" she added with a look of panic. "I never would suggest that! Just buy your own! That's what I meant!"

"Sure," he said with a sigh.

Kendra frowned. She'd come over to visit him - after giving Judy the full story, of course - to make sure he wasn't going to do anything foolish after the big ugly truth in the Dean's office. Something like take his broomstick to the air hockey table. Kendra winced just thinking about it. "Okay so," she said, turning the laptop in his direction. "Here's the new plan. The Palazzo has this HUGE fountain in the lobby. So if you can somehow whammy the water to stop and the shrink the whole contraption, we could easily make off with it."

"Uh-huh," he said distractedly.

"Of course, you'd have to obliviate the desk staff. And anyone checking in. Or anyone checking out. Or anyone actually in the lobby at the time. Except for us. Don't obliviate us. At least not me. I have a hard enough time remembering things without your obliviating me, got it?"

"Uh-huh."

Kendra frowned. He clearly wasn't taking this brilliant plan to heart.

~*~

Emmy marched up to the Gryffindor Tower. Well, it wasn't actually a tower so much as an odd turret with a front porch resembling that of the Shrieking Shack. A front porch upon which Sirius and Remus could sit and pretend as though they were still young and spry.

Except today there was no one sitting on the porch. Instead there was a collection of half-empty bags of Cheetos and beef jerky, along with a stack of boxes left by the UPS man. Boxes about which the Dean had no curiosity because she preferred not to know.

Not to mention that she was pissed off, so she really wouldn't have cared even if she did care. And that was that.

Kicking the boxes out of the way, she tried to open the door, which she quickly discovered to be locked.

So she placed her hand on the palm scanner that Worf had installed. He'd made sure it only scanned palms and not paws since he did not believe Sirius' argument that paws had distinct individual markers like a handprint would. And one couldn't be too careful when it came to security. Not that the Marauders' belongings actually mattered to Worf, but it was the principle of the thing.

Emmy tapped her foot while the device scanned her palm.

ACCESS DENIED flashed on the screen with a loud beep.

"What the?" Emmy sighed, lifted her palm until it cleared out, and then she tried again.

ACCESS DENIED

She grumbled, pulled out her iPhone, and dialed.

"Lieutenant Commander Worf."

"Your palm thingy on the Gryff Tower is broken."

Worf bristled at the insinuation. "It is not broken. That is impossible."

Emmy rolled her eyes. "Well, it's not working, so it must be broken." She tapped her foot again as she heard Worf typing on his end.

"It is not broken. Your security clearance for the Gryffindor Tower has been revoked."

"That's impossible."

"Two thirteen p.m." Worf read from his screen. "Access revoked by S. Black."

"HE CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Of course he can. He has administrator access to the Gryffindor Tower system."

"Well undo it then!" Emmy demanded.

"I cannot. You do not have administrator access to the system."

"I BUILT THE DAMN TOWER!"

"I believe that the miners actually built the tower."

Emmy growled and hung up on the Klingon. Then she pounded on the door. "You open this door right now, Black! I mean it! I built this place, I can just as easily tear it down!"

~*~

"Don't think she's foolin' around," Kendra said, chewing on her emergency stash of gummy worms that she kept in the secret compartment in her laptop case. "She really will tear this place down. I've seen it happen before. It won't even take a bulldozer. She could do a lot of damage with a shoe and a heavily loaded handbag."

Sirius glanced at the door. "I don't care."

Kendra rolled her eyes. "You really need to get over this," she said, trying to sound sympathetic but really only concerned that he was losing focus on Grand Theft Las Vegas.

"He's a Death Eater!"

"Oh please," Kendra said, flapping her hand. "How Death Eatery could he possibly be? He staples surprisingly easy."

"She should have told me."

"Did you tell her about how you're planning on stealing important Las Vegas monuments?" Kendra grabbed a green gummy worm this time. "Not that there's anything wrong with it, of course, since they're rightly mine because I want them."

Sirius frowned at the almost-valid point Kendra was making.

"Here, I have an idea! This'll cheer you right up." She quickly opened a new browser window. "Now, think of something we could buy."

Sirius shifted in his chair. "I don't know."

"Oh c'mon. Think of something. What would be cool?"

He scratched his cheek. "A Firebolt?"

"You already have one of those."

"No, I don't. I use Darry's."

"Oh. Well I guess that makes sense since everyone drives her car. But you have to think of something Muggle-y since I don't know where to buy those."

~*~

Emmy tried to look in the window, but Sirius had drawn all the curtains. "I know you're in there!" she yelled to the window. "Fine! You wanna be that way! That's just fine! See if I care! Your clothes are stupid anyway! Except for the black coat! But everything else is stupid! Okay, so I like the burgundy coat, too! But that's it! I don't even care what you do! Go find a Princess at Hooters for all I care!" The Dean stomped away from the window, but then turned quickly on her heel and marched back to the window. "But if you do find a Princess at Hooters, it is SO OVER! And then I'll make sure you end up dead again! Unless you liked being dead! In that case, I'll make sure you live forever with your Princess! I hope you two are very happy together! I'll be sure to send a really tacky set of china for the wedding that you have to eat her stupid Princess food off of for the rest of your life! And I bet SHE won't have cupcakes! And even if she does, I'll bet she won't share the frosting with you! And I hope you two have ugly Princess children! And they grow up to be ugly Slytherins! All those girls were ugly, you know! And they'll marry Slytherin boys, and you'll have ugly Slytherin grandchildren! Meanwhile, I'll happy and all alone! Because I choose to be, got it! So you just think about that!"

~*~

Sirius sighed and rubbed his forehead.

Kendra ducked behind the sofa, sure that shoes would be flying through the window before long.

~*~

Emmy finally marched away for good. Fine by her if Sirius wanted to marry a Princess. She'd just find herself a new EA. How hard could that be? Okay, so she couldn't actually think of one off-hand, but she was sure she'd come up with somebody. Granted, she'd be hard pressed to find one who shared her appreciation for chocolate fudge cupcakes *and* bath bombs. Or allow himself to be covered in Hello Kitty tattoos while still maintaining his Man Card.

She threw open the door to the Admin Building with a noisy bang and marched inside.

"DEAN!"

Emmy stumbled mid-hallway when she realized it was the IT Girl calling after her. Emmy made a break for it, running into her office and diving under her desk.

"Do you think I didn't see you hide under there?"

Emmy swallowed hard. "Um...I just...dropped...."

"Get out from under there, woman."

Emmy took a deep breath. This had been inevitable, so better to deal with it now and get it out of the way. She slowly crawled out from under the desk and stood up, chewing on her lower lip as she dared make eye contact.

"Now you listen very carefully. I want an unlimited supply of Chex Mix. I want a new Hummer for Worf since Captain Jack puked in the one he has now. I want full clearance for all closed circuit video surveillance. I want a new server room fully upgraded to my exact specifications."

Emmy blinked rapidly.

"And I mean it about the Chex Mix! That's coming out of your office's budget, got it?"

"Um. Okay."

"Good. We'll never speak of this again," Delphi said, satisfied with the terrified look in Emmy's eyes.

"Okay."

"And if I ever find another set of bite marks on Lucius, I'll be back."

Emmy's eyes grew wide. "Those were Sirius' teeth. I swear! I tried to pull him off, but he's a very strong dog! They had a dispute yesterday! I mean, prior to the one today...uh." Emmy began to fidget.

"Oh," Delphi said, her expression suddenly brightening. "Okay, then! Toodle-loo!" And with that, the IT Girl exited the panic-stricken Dean's office.

~*~

"Cupcakes?"

"No, not cupcakes," Kendra said, her fingers hovering over the keyboard and waiting for Sirius to actually make a decent online shopping suggestion. "You have to buy those in-person or the frosting gets all messed up in shipping."

"Chocolate covered pretzels?"

"No."

"Nutella?"

"No."

"Peanut butter."

"No."

"Olive oil?"

Kendra's face scrunched. "I don't want to know. And, no!"

"Tea?"

"No! Geez! Something that's NOT about her!"

Sirius pouted. "Well, you said something Muggle-y!"

"Something else Muggle-y. Sheesh. This aint rocket science!"

"Hello Kitty?"

"No!" Kendra said. Not that one couldn't find Hello Kitty online, but she didn't like it.

"Bath bombs?"

"No!" Kendra said on instinct and then caught herself. "Oh! Yeah! Those are good! I like those!" She quickly went to the Lush site and then turned the laptop so Sirius could see it. "Now, which one?"

Sirius glanced at the screen with mild interest. "The French Kiss."

Kendra eyed him. "You actually know the name? Wow. That's kinda girlie of you."

"Excuse me, remembering that sort of name is not girlie!" Sirius said, feeling rather offended. "Besides, she's the one who told me the name and then to remind me she--"

"Save it, I don't wanna know! Okay, so all you do is click that and then Add to Cart!" she said excitedly. "See, look how much fun that is!"

"Mm-hmm."

"But you probably need more than one given your bath schedule," she said.

"I no longer have a bath schedule," he said sullenly.

"Oh hush, of course you do. So it's...how many a day?"

"Three. More if I go dog, as she says," he said with a sigh.

"Okay, so...three time thirty-one days in a month is...ninety-three.... Let's just say a hundred for a nice round number," Kendra said, editing the cart. "So now I need a credit card."

Sirius just gave her a blank look.

"Don't tell me you don't have a credit card!" she exclaimed as though he'd told her he'd never eaten a gummy worm before.

"Wizards don't have credit cards," he said.

"Um, you're not in silly Wizard land anymore. Hel-lo," she said with a roll of her eyes. "Fine, I'll put it on Emmy's card."

"That's probably not a good idea," he said.

"Pfft," Kendra replied with a flap of her hand. "Got all the credit card numbers stored right here. It's all very secure," she said, opening a Word document and typing in the password WATERHO. "Okay, so now you just click the purchase button, and you're all set!" Kendra waited for the purchase confirmation screen to load. "Give me a break with this hourglass!" she said, clicking the Back button and then clicking on Purchase Now again. She drummed her fingers near the mouse pad. "Sheesh, this thing is taking forever!"

"Maybe it just needs time to think," Sirius said.

"It's a computer! It shouldn't have to think!"

"I suppose you have a point there."

After several clicks of the Back and Purchase Now button, Kendra finally gave up. "Well, it's supposed to go through! I'll just go back to my office and fax the stupid order!"

~*~

Lucius Malfoy was having a bad day. It had actually started out as a remarkably good day, what with turning the Dean's and Black's days completely upside-down. While it actually did cause him some measure of physical pain to have to admit to the indiscretion, it was a small price to pay for the joy - as much as a Death Eater could feel joy - of ruining Sirius Black's life.

And as for his employer, the triumph of actually shutting her up for several minutes was an experience he'd not soon forget. Not to mention ruining her life as well.

All in all, it was a good day to be a retired Death Eater.

Until Kendra had relayed the morning's events to Judy, who, it should be noted, hadn't actually told anyone else. What Lucius hadn't accounted for were Delphi's cameras picking up every bit of Kendra's conversation with Judy.

It was only then that Lucius discovered the full extent of the IT Girl's powers. And she hadn't even needed to say a word to him.

He'd happily - as happy as a Death Eater could get - returned to his corner of the IT Department and sat down in his favorite chair with the Purebloods Illustrated swimsuit edition when suddenly his favorite chair began to hug him.

Well, hug wasn't so much the word. Death grip was more like it. Out of nowhere, restraining bands surrounded his torso and legs - no doubt due to the security expertise of that bloody Klingon. And then for the next two hours he was subjected to a series of howlers (previously unknown to him) from Narcissa, a collection that Delphi clearly had been saving up for such an occasion.

And now, his will nearly broken, Lucius slumped - as much as a Death Eater could slump - in his favorite death grip of a chair with Darry's Dementor hanging over his shoulder, the wretched thing sniffing out his clothing for Laffy Taffy.

~*~

Sirius Black - Marauder, Do-Gooder, Sharp Dresser - sat in his Gryffindor Common Room and sulked. He'd be damned if he'd give that woman the time of day at this point. While he certainly wasn't one to nitpick over dalliances that occurred before his time, dallying with a Death Eater was as unforgivable as, well, an Unforgivable.

True, he'd known that she'd consistently tested Slytherclaw, but given the fact that she readily shared her cupcakes with him in a way that the nice elderly woman at the bakery likely never intended gave him cause to believe that the sorting test was slightly flawed, or that Emmy just didn't read the questions thoroughly enough. She was impulsive, so it was easily overlooked if she couldn't be troubled with test taking.

And while she was only a Muggle and had no personal experience with Wizarding Wars, she knew full well what Death Eaters had done to the people he loved the most. And to him.

No, he couldn't possibly get past that. It wasn't a lapse in judgment. It was a character flaw.

Sirius glanced at the air hockey table and sighed. Then he considered playing Halo, but it wasn't much fun to play games alone, and he hadn't seen Harry for hours.

Or Lupin for that matter.

He looked around the common room - the space she'd agreed to build for him - and sighed once again. How could he possibly remain in this place? Everything he thought he had was a lie. Sure, his girl obviously had some anger issues on occasion, but nothing to suggest that she would--

Oh, he couldn't bear to think about what she had done with Malfoy.

No matter. Sirius Black was resourceful. He'd survived 12 years in prison. And death for that matter.

Of course, she was the reason he wasn't dead anymore. Without her, he'd still be wandering around looking for something fun to do. That was a long time to wander. There wasn't much fun in being dead. Everyone always knew what you were up to at all times. No element of surprise in death. It's all an open book. You know the answer to all the questions when you're dead. A bit boring, really.

At least for a Marauder.

Sirius sighed one more time. He could live with being grateful to her for making sure he wasn't dead anymore, but that was as far as his charity could extend to this woman he no longer knew.

Out of ideas, he looked around for his laptop. The laptop she'd bought him so he could play World of Warcraft. A game that she hated.

Never mind that. He was fine with being grateful to her for not being dead and for giving him a laptop. But that was the end of it.

He sat on the sofa and waited for the browser to load, telling himself that the moving wallpaper of her that he'd taken with Lupin's old camera wasn't really as pleasant an afternoon as he remembered. She'd come over to play Gran Turismo with him since he had no one else to play with, even though she couldn't drive the cars more than a few feet without spinning out and crashing them. But instead of throwing down the game control and stomping on it as he expected, she'd just laughed. And then she'd try again and laugh some more.

Sirius maximized the window so he wouldn't have to look at her. He stared at the Google search page. Maybe he should just go away for a while. Clear his head. Consider his options away from all these reminders.

But where should he go? Someplace easy for Harry to visit, naturally. He certainly could find a house in Hogsmeade.

Then again, Hogsmeade was rather grey and chilly. Sirius had rather gotten used to the temperate climate of Estrogen County.

Not to mention the distemperate, unpredictable, hot-blooded, insatiable, witty, clever, lovely nature of the woman making faces at him from the laptop wallpaper.

Sirius shook his head, chastised himself for minimizing the browser window, sat up straight, maximized the window, and poised his fingers over the keyboard. And then, being a Wizard with no typing skills, he hunted and pecked: "Where should Sirius Black go?"

His eyes widened significantly as 2,570,000 results came up.

Sirius and Remus: Fuh-Q-Fest
Sirius and Remus: Fly Me to the Moon
Sirius and Remus: The Untold Stories

Intrigued, he decided to click on the third one. "Brilliant!" he exclaimed as the page loaded. Someone had written tales of he and Moony! He clicked on the first story title, his eyes scanning for the summary. Would it be the time when they followed the Hufflepuff girls around with the Marauder's Map?

Title: Forbidden Truth

Or maybe it's about the time when they broke into Dumbledore's office and tried to plant a fictional memory in the pensieve involving Dumbledore and McGonagall, figuring it might improve Dumbeldore's mood, only to have disturbed themselves far too much by thinking about that scenario hard enough to make it seem real.

Author: Angelique Evans-Black

Odd name, that. As far as he knew, there weren't any other Blacks in the family. Then again, it was a fairly common Muggle name. But Evans? Sirius thought for a moment. He to admit, he hadn't actually known the rest of Lily's family, aside from the cousins he'd snogged at the wedding reception.

Pairing: Sirius/Lupin

Although, as Sirius recalled, it had been James and not Lupin who'd broken into Dumbledore's office with him.

Rating: NC-17
Summary: After trying to lead separate lives after Hogwarts, Sirius and Remus finally realize that what they needed most was right in front of them all along.

Sirius' forehead wrinkled as he tried to remember what he and Lupin may have found after Hogwarts. It seemed to him that all the really brilliant finds had happened at school. Then again, his memory had been a little fuzzy after Azkaban. So he sat back with his laptop and began to read with great anticipation.

~*~

"Stupid thing!" Kendra exclaimed as her fax machine kept eating her Lush bath bomb order and spitting it out in shreds.

"Problem, luv?" the General said, not taking his eyes off the WoW action on his computer.

"This stupid, stupid, fax machine," Kendra said, banging it with her black stapler. It was important to have a plain black stapler for occasions such as this. One couldn't possibly risk damaging the glittery staplers by using them to punish inanimate objects.

She sighed and went back to her computer and printed the order yet again. She grabbed it off her printer and walked into the General's office. "I need to use your fax machine."

The General finally looked away from his monitor. "I have a fax machine?" he asked, greatly befuddled.

"Silly Jedi, of course you have a fax machine," she said, walking over to the credenza, pulling open the door, and then sliding out the tray upon which the fax machine rested.

"That opens?" the General said.

"Of course it open," Kendra laughed. "What else would it do?"

He shrugged. "Huh. I had no idea. So that means I can fax things myself?"

"Pfft, noooo," Kendra said, shaking her head. "Now you're just talking crazy."

~*~

"MERLIN!" Sirius nearly dropped his laptop on the floor as he attempted to jump away from it when he read what he'd supposedly tried to do when Lupin fell off his broom. What sort of a malicious slander was this?

Sirius quickly closed out of the window and went back to his Google search page.

"Sirius Black � My Heart Will Go On" read the next entry that he could make sense of. He liked that notion quite a lot. Of course his heart would go on. He'd only been at HSU a short period of time. A blink of an eye, really. He could move on easily. He'd done so many times before in his past. Silly being caught up on some girl.

He clicked on the link, and up popped a video. Oh, and there was a song for him! In fact, it sounded very much like that woman that Dande seemed to listen to when talking about her husband. A good man, that Qui-Gon. Even if he dressed a bit odd.

Sirius watched with anticipation as the video was about to reveal something to him.

Something that looked like Hermione Granger.

~*~

Part 4

"More tea?"

"No thank you, I'm fine."

"Cupcake?"

"That would be lovely." Tom Riddle grabbed chocolate fudge cupcake from the pink box.

"This is fun, right?" Emmy said, grabbing a cupcake for herself and leaning back on her patio chair.

"Um, yes. Quite." Tom eyed the woman known as The Dean with some element of caution since Xanatos had only laughed when Dorotea told Tom he was to have tea with her that afternoon.

"Nice day," she said, taking a swipe of frosting with her finger.

"It is." He watched as she proceeded to eat the frosting. Then he watched for any reaction. Satisfied that the cupcakes weren't poisoned, he began to lick the frosting off of his.

"Enjoy," she said with a pleasant smile. She figured it would have been polite to serve the cupcakes on a nice platter instead of in a bakery box, but Emmy just wasn't in the mood for social graces.

"Quite nice," he said.

"So, you like it here?" Emmy asked, not really caring but feeling the need to make some sort of conversation.

"It's...different from what I was accustomed to."

"No doubt," Emmy said. "But at least you get laid here."

Tom choked on his cupcake.

"That has to be an improvement over Hogwarts." Emmy took a sip of her tea. "Not that all Wizards get laid here, mind you. True, some get laid without actually earning it." She took a huge bite of her cupcake. "And some aren't going to get laid at all now," she said through a mouthful of chocolate.

"I see."

"I mean, really, it was ONE time."

Tom appeared slightly afraid. "Sorry?"

"I *censor* a Death Eater ONE TIME at a stupid, drunken party, and it's like the whole world has ended!"

Tom leaned forward, both intrigued and confused. "You...what? To a what?"

"I mean, I'm *sure* that Hogwarts is just one giant orgy, right?"

Tom blinked. "Not that I recall."

"He was probably doing every girl with a pulse, right?"

Tom glanced around. "Who are we talking about again?"

"Sirius, of course!"

"And he is?"

Emmy smiled. "You're a bit slow for a Dark Lord. Good thing you're pretty."

Tom leaned forward with intrigue this time. "Sorry, a what?"

"Anyway," Emmy said, taking another sip of Earl Grey, "Since he was obviously *censoring* any girl with a pulse, I don't think it's right that he should be all pissy with me about the Looshus thing. He wasn't even here yet. It never would've happened if he'd been here! It's dumb for him to be mad, right?"

Tom decided on the best response that would help get him more information on this Dark Lord business. "Yes, it's completely out of line for him to be mad," he said, even though he really had no idea what she was on about.

"I know, right?" Emmy took another bite of cupcake. "Yes, I know, he's very emo. I'm sure that Azkaban was a terrible on him, so it's not like I blame him for being overly sensitive. But that doesn't give him the right to ignore me."

"Certainly not," Tom said before offering up the bakery box to Emmy. "Why was he in Azkaban?"

"Real funny," Emmy said with a roll of her eyes...but that didn't stop her from grabbing another cupcake. "I mean, I'm sure it was a big shock to him, but he started the baiting! And it's been like two hours since he found out. He should be over it by now. It's not nice for him to be mad at me. After all, I built him that tower, and I let him put disco lights in his bedroom for goodness sake. Not to mention eating all my food."

"I'm sorry," Tom said with a pleasant smile. "Could we go back to the part about being a Dark Lord? I'm a bit confused abou--"

"Then again, he did buy me really nice shoes just right after he arrived," Emmy said. "And he changed the ringtone on my phone, which actually annoyed me a lot, but now it's kinda sweet since he really hadn't known me for very long when he picked a song for me. That's a big deal for a guy, right? Picking a song? Not just any guy would do that, especially not right off the bat, right?"

"Uh...yes?" Tom said. His lips tightened as he tried to focus. "So he was in Azkaban?"

Emmy sighed. "I know that still has him all messed up. I mean, I try to cover those tats with Hello Kitties since they're sparkly and happy, but they just wash off in the bath." Emmy sighed again at the realization that she'd missed two of his three requisite bath times.

"I find this Death Eater term rather fascinating," Tom said. "Perhaps you could use it in a sentence, so I could get a sense of the context."

Ignoring the request, she continued, "And he totally lets me win at air hockey." She paused to shove the rest of her cupcake into her mouth. "Granted, I kick ass at air hockey, but it's near impossible to beat a Wizard at most things since they cheat with magic."

"It comes naturally to many of us," Tom said.

"I suppose. But I know he wouldn't have to let me win. I mean, he should be totally bitter and angry after all the stuff he's been through."

"I am familiar with that," Tom said.

"But he's not bitter and angry." Emmy sighed and drank her tea. "He even makes the tulips bloom outside my front door because he knows I like them."

Tom frowned. Clearly, this Sirius person was channeling his bitterness all wrong.

"I know, I know! I shouldn't be mad at him for this."

"Oh no...I mean...um...." Tom picked up his tea. "So you mentioned a Dark Lord?"

"Did I?" Emmy said wistfully. "Hmm." She set her cup down.

"So what would a Dark Lord do, exactly?" Tom said.

"Send my man to prison, that's what!" Emmy said, suddenly incensed. "That was so *not* on!" she added, pointing at Tom. "Sure, he has questionable fashion sense, but that's no excuse! You caused him a lot of heartache!"

"Really?" he asked, eyes wide with excitement.

Emmy frowned as she finally began to do the math. "Okay, time for you to go back the Library."

"But we were having such a nice time," Tom said, trying to look cuter than normal.

"Yes, and we'll do it again some time," she said as she stood up. "Just without all the stuff I'm not supposed to mention."

"Oh, I won't tell anyone."

"Buh-bye, sweetie," Emmy said, yanked out his chair and pushing him on the shoulder til he stood. "Time for you to go."

~*~

Emmy jumped, startled by the loud bang of her front door flying open and crashing against the wall. "What the hell?" she said, rolling off her chaise and getting up to see what all the commotion was about.

"These people are mad!" Sirius exclaimed, marching toward her.

"What are you talkerrrgh. Uh," Emmy grunted as the Marauder wrapped his arms around her torso in a death grip. She tried to move her arms, but they were clamped against her sides.

Sirius rocked back and forth slightly as he clung to her. "You wouldn't believe the lies! How did this happen?"

Emmy sighed. Clearly the Marauder was on the verge of a brown-out again. "Listen, I have it on good authority that there are no more copies of Lockhart's book available for purchase. I've also been told that the publisher mysteriously disappeared a few weeks ago. So no one is going to read it, and I really can't stand going over this again."

Sirius finally moved back slightly and looked her in the eyes. "Lockhart's book? What are you on about? I'm talking about the Google stories!"

"Errr...Google stories?"

"Yes! I Googled myself, and Google gave me hundreds - if not thousands - of stories about me *censored censored censored* Moony! And James! And...HERMIONE."

"Oh," Emmy stopped herself, trying really hard not to laugh in the face of the clearly distressed Marauder.

"I've never done ANY of those things!"

"I know," Emmy said, patting him on the cheek. Then she pulled his arms from around her and led him to the sofa. "Here, sit down. It's ooookay."

"They even said I *censored censored censored* Bellatrix," he whispered, afraid of hearing words aloud.

Emmy took his hands and sat down next to him. "It's fanfic, baby," she said in a calming tone while she place her fingers against his forehead and then his cheek, making sure she wouldn't actually have to call the Nurse. "It's just stories that people write for fun. It's not real."

"I know it's not real!" he said, verging on manic.

Emmy awkwardly raised her arms as he suddenly slumped over on her, his face pressed to her neck and his arms squeezing her so tight around her waist that she had trouble breathing. "Okay," she gasped, patting his head. "A little less on the death squeeze, please."

"It's not that I've never *censored censored* or *censored*," he said. "Or even *censored censored censored* with whipped cream."

"As I recall, that was actually packets of creamer," Emmy said.

"Well, yes, but--"

"Not one of your better ideas," she said, stroking his hair.

"But it's all I had on hand."

"We'll get you a fridge for your room," she said soothingly, patting his shoulders.

"Okay." Sirius sighed. "But I certainly wouldn't do ANY of that with...." He buried his face in Emmy's neck, unable to speak it.

"Shhh," Emmy said, pressing her cheek to his forehead. "Now listen to me. These...Google stories...uh, they're just stuff that people make up to entertain themselves. It's not supposed to be real or accepted as truth."

Sirius finally sat up and looked at her. "I don't understand."

"They're just stories."

"About me."

"About lots of people," she said. "Not just you. There are stories about most of the men here, actually."

"Why?"

"It's entertainment."

"That makes no sense," he said.

"It's not supposed to make sense. It's like...like World of Warcraft."

Sirius frowned. "But World of Warcraft makes complete sense."

Emmy rolled her eyes just a little bit and took his hand. "Only bad things can come from Googling yourself. Remember? We talked about that right after I bought your laptop."

"I know," Sirius said with a slight pout.

"All you need to worry about is what you're doing here, not what other people imagine you to be doing."

Sirius leaned back on the sofa and rested his head on her shoulder. "This is very confusing."

"I know," she said, patting his hand. "So just don't think about it anymore. Besides, you should see what they write about Malfoy and Snape."

"Ugh! Say no more!" Sirius suddenly stood up and grabbed her arm. "Right, that's it. Time for a bath."

"If you insist," she said with a sly grin as she hurried along behind him.

~*~

The End