Title: HSU – Topsy Turvy
By: Emmy
Rating: JWYTICGAC (Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Crazier)
Notes: The first section of this fic was actually supposed to be in Topsy-Turvy, but then I thought it was funnier for Dor to have created that mayhem. So I removed this particular section, but then it began to grow today while I was cleaning the house.
Part 1
LUCIUS MALFOY CAUGHT IN LOVE TRIANGLE WITH MUGGLE AND UNKNOWN BEAST!
Narcissa Malfoy threw The Daily Prophet to the floor, causing a pitiable House Elf to skitter out of her way, while another unfortunate one cowered before her with a stack of owl envelopes.
She sighed loudly and snatched the post from it, quickly waving her hand to shoo it away. She tossed the stack on a side table and nearly left the scene when something caught her eye on the scattered newspaper at her feet. Just below the moving photograph of her husband riding in an obscenely large vehicle with the Muggle and Unknown Beast was:
DRACO MALFOY IMPREGNATES HARRY POTTER
Narcissa's frigid shoes marched angrilyacross the floor, leaving a trail of deep pock marks in the rug behind her.
~*~
"Where are you going?"
Sirius Black stopped halfway across the Dean's office and gave her his usual "who, me?" look, which lasted about three seconds as her eyebrow arched higher.
"You remember, I'm chaperoning Harry's class field trip today. Defense Against the Dark Arts career day."
Emmy rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Whatever."
"As his godfather and guardian, I thought it would be—"
"Oh, so you're his guardian now? Won't the Nurse be pleased to hear that," Emmy said as she flipped through a large pile of mail. Finding no catalogs of interest, she tossed all of it into the recycle bin. She then planted herself on the sofa with her Nintendo DS, as the Colonel had commandeered her computer for some sort of epic WoW battle with the General.
Sirius nodded, "Yes, well. I'm off."
"Aight," Emmy said distractedly as she jumped Mario to the next level in the game. "Have fun with Yoda and the kiddies."
Several minutes passed as Emmy tap, tap, tapped her Nintendo, and Tavington click, click, clicked the keyboard and mouse. Lasher paced from Tavington to Emmy and back again before plunking down on the floor at Tav's feet.
"It might interest you to know," Tav said, mind still mostly focused on the game, "that Malfoy is chaperoning the field trip with his son."
In a blur of movement, the Dean was suddenly smacking the Colonel on the shoulder. "WHAT?"
"Indeed," Tav said, never taking his eyes off the computer screen.
"Why do you always know everything?" Emmy griped as she ran out of her office.
"I am a Colonel," Tav muttered under his breath.
~*~
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit," the Dean repeated as she ran down the hall toward the Clinic. At the same pace, the Dementor guard swept down the hall toward her. "Get out of my way, loser!" Emmy yelled, darting around it.
The Dementor drooped slightly but followed her to the door.
"I don't have any Laffy Taffy, moron! Get a life and some friends or something!"
The Dementor's head sagged low, and it bereftly bobbed around the hall.
Emmy pounded on the door with the palm of her hand.
"This better be important," came the Nurse's voice from the other side of the door.
"Lucius is chaperoning the field trip!"
"So?" Darry said without opening the door.
"Sirius is, too!"
"So?"
"You don't think this a bad combination?" Emmy bounced impatiently.
"Sounds like something that has not my problem written all over it."
Emmy smacked the door as she could hear Darry retreating from it.
~*~
"Isn't this fascinating?" Sirius said as they walked the Ministry halls. "It's been a very long time since I've been here legally."
"A problem easily remedied," Lucius said.
"You had to bring that mongrel?" Draco said as the boys lagged behind.
"He's not a mongrel," Harry said. "Besides, I told you first that Sirius was coming before you invited your father."
"Like I'd bloody listen to anything you said about that mutt," Draco said. "Besides, this is my father we're talking about. He doesn't wait to be invited."
"Yes, I've noticed that," Harry muttered.
Draco snorted. "You're just still angry that you didn't get yours when he burst in on us in the—"
"Draco!" Lucius snapped, finally noticing that his son had dropped well behind him. "Stop lagging."
Draco sighed, and he and Harry picked up the pace.
"I wasn't speaking to you, Potter," Lucius snarked. "Lag all you like," he added with mock charm.
"Don't you speak to my godson with that tone, Malfoy," Sirius said.
Lucius stopped and stepped in front of Sirius. "And what are you going to do about it?" he said in his favorite quiet-but-threatening tone.
"In case you've forgotten, Malfoy," Sirius said, getting in his face, "I flattened you the last time we were both in this building."
"In case you've forgotten, Black," Lucius said, "you were dead the last time we were both in this building."
"Oh, this might be good," Draco said, suddenly having fine time.
"Shut it," Harry said before stepping up to Sirius. "Maybe we should catch up to the rest of the group," Harry said, giving Sirius a nudge.
Sirius glanced over to Harry and relaxed slightly. "Yes, Harry. I think we should," he said, giving him a weak smile.
"Pathetic," Lucius sneered as Sirius and Harry walked ahead of him.
"Imbecile," Draco added, adopting a similar tone.
Lucius glanced at his son. "Patience, Draco. It's only a matter of time before we can make dust of both Black and Potter."
Draco gulped. "Uhh, yes father."
~*~
"He can't do anything."
"You're absolutely sure?"
"You actually think you'd still have all your limbs if he could do something Unforgiveable?" Delphi said.
Emmy frowned.
"And what do you think I am? An amateur? I know how to override essential brain functions more than anyone. Lucius is only as bad as I want him to be, which, admittedly, is pretty bad in that hot bad ass way of his." Delphi glanced at the bank of security monitors to her right to confirm that Worf wasn't doing anything he shouldn't while at Hooters with the boys for the UFC Semi-Finals (there were just some things Judy wouldn't allow in her Pub).
"What about the giant ant?"
Delphi turned back to the Dean. "What?"
"The giant ant. He killed a giant ant in my office."
Delphi sighed. "He didn't kill it, he just relocated it somewhere."
"How do you know?" Emmy demanded.
"What do you think I am, a murderess? There will be no killing of bugs on this campus. Relocation only."
"What about spiders?"
"Relocate."
"Snakes?"
"Relocate."
"Squirrels?"
"Same as above."
"Princesses?"
Delphi paused. "Did they touch Worf, or didn't they?"
"Does it matter?"
"Of course it matters!"
"Uhh," the Dean said, "let's say they didn't touch him."
"Did they touch Lucius?"
"This is getting complicated."
"You brought it up!" Delphi said.
"Why was he even allowed to go on this thing anyway?" Emmy said. "Aren't they visiting to the Ministry? Doesn't seem like the sort of thing a jailbird would be allowed to do."
"Special day pass," Delphi said.
"Approved by whom?"
"By me," Delphi said. Then she gave the Dean a look. "You seriously underestimate my reach."
~*~
"Maybe if he hadn't married the ice queen, he wouldn't always look like he had that cane up his arse," Sirius said plenty loud enough to be overheard.
Harry smiled, nearly laughed, but then shifted uncomfortably as Draco glared at him.
"Pay it no attention, Draco," Lucius said. "It's just a mongrel that sleeps with a bitch. One could not expect better of it."
Harry eyed Sirius warily as the Marauder's eyes narrowed with fury.
~*~
"What's that?" Emmy cringed, covering her ears as the siren blared throughout the IT Department.
Delphi rolled her chair to the end of the bank of security screens. "F.S.O. Alarm, Level Five."
"WHAT?" Emmy yelled, as the siren's volume increased.
Delphi flipped a silencing switch for the room as she scanned the monitors for the cameras that covered the main entrance. "Former Significant Other Alarm. I'm not sure who it is, but some woman who shouldn't be here is here."
"Oh HELL no," Emmy said with enormous attitude, as she jumped out of her chair.
"Well, at least you take your job seriously once in a decade or so," Delphi said to Emmy as the Dean ran out of the room.
~*~
"Boys?"
"Draco!'
"Boys?" Sirius called again, elbowing past Lucius.
"Draco!" It was Lucius' turn to elbow past Sirius as the two Wizards jockeyed for the lead. They hadn't actually noticed that their charges had wandered off until Yoda had finally Force-shoved them both to stop the posturing.
"Harry never would have wandered off if not for your bad influence," Sirius said.
"I don't give a damn about Potter, Black!" Lucius sputtered.
"Boys?"
"Draco!"
~*~
"You stay here," Tavington said over the blare of the alarm echoing throughout the halls. He held onto Emmy's shoulders as she tried to sprint out the front door of the Administration Building to see what woman had the nerve to show up where she didn't belong.
"Don't tell me what to do!"
"Simply amazing," Tavington said he dragged Emmy back toward her office. "Afraid of an ant, but willing to run head first into goodness knows what out there."
"You let me go this instant!"
"Fine," Tavington said, releasing her right at the doorway to her office.
Emmy attempted to step around him to the right, but he blocked her path. When she stepped to the left, he did as well. "Ooohh!" Emmy growled. "Stop that!"
"No," Tavington said pointedly.
And then they both ducked at the sonic boom.
~*~
"Narcissa!" Delphi exclaimed, getting up off the floor after having ducked and covered when the Anti-Mrs.-Malfoy biometric detection triggers had erupted the Anti-Mrs.-Malfoy land mines.
The IT Girl sprang into action, digging out her emergency Delphi Industries Memory ClearTM device. While the majority of the Memory ClearTM devices were purchased in bulk by the federal government (of several nations), she'd always kept a few on hand for an occasion such as this.
With a can of AquaNet and a lighter in one hand, and one Memory ClearTM device in the other (with a spare in her back pocket), Delphi ran out of the IT Department and toward the front door.
~*~
"STRENGTH AND HONOR!" Jael, Warrior Princess, shouted with excitement as she led her troops toward the site of the explosions. It wasn't every day that the campus came under surprise attack from unknown forces since, typically, explosions on campus were due to perfectly well-known forces with very bad ideas.
It took Jael a few seconds of sprinting to realize that her troops weren't actually following her lead. Some had already stopped to catch their breath, hunched over with hands on their knees, while others had been distracted by the aroma of onion rings wafting from the vicinity of the Pub.
Even Max wasn't with her, off at Hooters as he was with Worf, Logan, and Cic to watch the UFC semi-finals.
"Are you KIDDING ME?" Jael yelled, running backwards briefly while making rude gestures at her sad battalion.
~*~
"You stay here." Tav tried pushing Emmy underneath her desk, while Lasher tried not to laugh at the Colonel's feeble efforts to keep his mommy confined to quarters.
"Like hell I will," Emmy said. "There is an unauthorized woman on this campus, and I'm the Dean! I don't stand for that sort of thing!" She pushed him back and then scrambled over the top of her desk and made a run for it.
~*~
"Kendra?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you just hear explosions?" the General asked from the sheltered confines of his office.
"No, it was just the new speakers we installed for your computer," Kendra said while staring out at the window at all the excitement and large holes in the ground where carefully groomed topiaries once stood. "It's just your game."
"Oh," the General said. He looked out toward his door for a moment, sensing a slight disturbance in the Force, but, having sensed so many disturbances in the Force over the past several years, he simply shrugged it off and went back to beating Xani over the head with a club.
~*~
"Damn Do Gooder! Fuck!" Xani exclaimed, pounding on his keyboard.
"Did you hear something?" Pelham said.
"Fuck! Dammit!" Xani continued.
"That wasn't Dor causing the explosions, was it?" Pelham asked, grabbing the remote control and silencing Project Runway.
"Fuck! Dammit! I hate Jedi!"
~*~
Dorotea walked into the Pub, coming to a dead stop when everyone turned to stare at her. "It wasn't me!" And then she ducked when another sonic boom shook the room. "See! I got nuthin'," she said, showing her bare hands.
Judy settled her rattling glassware and then returned to polishing her bar. She was hardly going to get excited about explosions around this place.
~*~
"You have five seconds to turn this business around," Delphi said, squaring off in front of a slightly charred Mrs. Death Eater (Ret.), Aqua Net in her right hand, lighter in the left. Delphi had to admit to herself that Narcissa clearly possessed sharper reflexes than she had anticipated.
"You," Narcissa said, her tone accusatory as she recognized Delphi from the Daily Prophet. She attempted to pat down the locks of hair that had been knocked crazy by the land mines.
"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Suddenly Jael was on the scene, sword raised and ready for battle.
Narcissa turned and pulled her wand, but as she raised it toward Jael, the wand began to glow, turning white hot until she was forced to drop it.
"That's right," Delphi said, raising her eyebrow in triumph at her own Anti-Unforgiveable programming genius. "Now you have three seconds."
Narcissa's eyes grew wide. "I demand to see my hus—my son! I demand to see my son! I am his mother and—"
"Buh-bye," Delphi said, flicking her lighter and spraying the Aqua Net toward Narcissa's head.
"Ha! Yeah! That's the stuff right there!" came Emmy's voice from the doorway of Administration Building as Tavington did his best to body block her from exiting. "We aint afraid of you, bitch! Whoever you are!" Emmy said, as she jumped up and down to try and get a better view over Tav's shoulder, having only seen the back of Delphi's head, a giant ball of flame, along with seeing a pair of retreating, terribly crass shoes when she tried to duck under Tav's arm.
As Narcissa burst through the open gate and off the campus grounds, she turned to face them. "I'll give you all something to be afraid of. In spades," she said under her breath before pulling out her spare wand – a Mrs. Death Eater (Ret.) could never be too careful – and apparating back home.
"Aqua Net? Seriously?" Jael said, waving her big sword around for comparison.
"If it aint broke," Delphi said, coolly flipping the lighter around her fingers before shoving it back into her pocket. Just then, she turned toward the gate again at the noise of several thousand horsepower careening up the drive.
The HumVee came to a screeching halt, and Worf jumped out, running over to Delphi. Logan, Max, and Cic made less of an emergency about it, re-enacting the best blows from the UFC Semi-Final match that Worf had so needlessly interrupted.
"I received the alarm," Worf said, holding up his Blackberry. "What is the threat? I have several tactical responses in mind for a Level Five."
"No worries, it's all handled," Delphi said, giving him a pat on his puffed up chest.
"Handled?" Worf said, somewhat desperately.
"Yep. I took care of it."
"But…." The Klingon looked around at the smoldering holes in the ground but did not see anything remotely resembling an enemy intruder. His shoulders visibly slumped.
"Aww," Delphi said, rubbing his bicep. "There will be other emergencies and intruders, I'm sure. In fact, I know it. Don’t you worry."
Worf immediately pulled his shoulders back. "I do not worry."
"Alright, who was it? Huh? Who was it?" Emmy said, finally arriving on the scene with Tav close behind.
"Yeah, who was it?" Jael said.
Delphi cocked her head to the side. "You were going to run her through without knowing who she was?"
"Duh," Jael said. "Explosions, alarms, hello!"
"Oh, okay," Delphi said, nodding in agreement. "It was Narcissa Malfoy."
Jael and Emmy gasped.
"She's got her nerve," Emmy said.
"Yeah, her husband and son only live here," Logan remarked, before shoving his cigar between his teeth and swaggering off to find Ellie.
"Nobody asked you, furball!" Emmy said.
"Wait, hold on," Jael said. "You hear that?"
Emmy and Delphi lowered their heads slightly to try to hear while Max and Cic silently reenacted the best blows from the UFC Semi-Finals for Tav's benefit.
"Is that a…." Delphi leaned her head slightly toward the direction of the noise. "….a fife and drum corps?"
"What the?" Emmy said, her face scrunching in confusion.
And in the next moment, Tavington's attention shifted from Max and Cic to the front gate. His eyes narrowed, a swift scowl forming on his face as he stepped forward. Without missing a beat, he drew his sword, causing Jael to draw hers.
Max approached the Colonel as the beat of the drums grew louder. "What is it?"
"Madness," Tav said through gritted teeth.
Part II
"Wait, wait," Darry said, holding up her hand until she could have a sip of her martini. "Colonists?"
"Yep," Delphi said. "Just out of the blue, an entire regiment of the Colonial Army, complete with the Betsy Ross flags and everything."
"He went full-on Dragoon just like that," Emmy said with a snap of her fingers. "Oh no, I wasn't snapping at you," she said as Judy made a gesture to remove the margarita she'd just set down in front of the Dean.
"Damn right you're not," Judy said, giving Emmy a look before going back to the bar.
"It was kinda hot, actually," Emmy continued.
"Except it got a little too intense," Delphi said.
"Yeah, Ellie had to dart him," Emmy said, taking a sip of her margarita. "He was sort of losing focus on who was them and who was us."
"And you're sure that this was all Mrs. Blondie Senior?" Darry said. "And not Dor?"
"It wasn't me!" Dor protested, still sitting at the bar from earlier in the afternoon.
"Yeah," Delphi said. "I looked at the security recordings of the Colonists' march. They started right at the spot where she disappeared, and my Hoodoo Scanner I.D.'d the source as Malfoy."
"Way to go, Q," Emmy said.
Delphi, undeterred by the Dean's interruption, continued her analysis, "And we know it wasn't Draco or Lucius since they were out with Sirius and Harry trying to burning down the Ministry today."
"Not that I'd ever want to defend a Malfoy, but Sirius said that was all Yoda's fault," Emmy said.
"Right, so what happened to the regiment after Ellie darted Tav?" Darry asked. Not that she minded being holed up in the Clinic most of the day with the Doctor, causing her to be completely oblivious to the events as they unfolded, but it had been a very long time since something truly dishy had occurred. Come to think of it, at least two days had passed since everyone woke up with someone else's EA.
"Oh, with Tav down, there really wasn't anyone trying to kill them," Delphi said.
"Except Jael, of course," Emmy said. "But we quickly pointed out their flags to her."
"So Worf loaded up the drummers into the Hummer and drove them into town," Delphi said.
"Yeah, it's pretty funny how the soldiers just follow the drums," Emmy said.
"That explains why I saw Jael out on the pitch with a drum machine," Darry said.
"Great, now I’m going to have to buy Sirius one just because. Hey, Judy, can I have a martini to go, please? In a sippy cup if you have it," Emmy called out toward the bar before taking another sip of her margarita. "I'd better get back to my office. That man is not going to be happy when he wakes up."
"Just tell him he won," Darry said. "He'll never remember after that much sedative."
~*~
Ellie was deep in concentration as she cleaned out the very bottom of her dark chocolate frosting tub. She noticed a blur of movement in her peripheral vision but paid it little mind.
"We've got company," Han announced.
"Yeah?" Ellie said, doing her best to feign interest as she tossed the frosting tub in the bin and reached for her bag of chocolate granola before sitting back in her chair to read her People magazine.
"No need to thank me, I'll handle it myself," Han snarked.
"Yeah," Ellie said with sigh, flipping the page of her magazine. Then the walls began to shake, and she heard the tell-tale whine of the Falcon engines attempting to fire up. Ellie tossed her magazine aside and stood up. "What is that man doing?" She walked through the clinic and out to the enormous parking area adjacent to the Vet Clinic.
Before she could even open her mouth to grill him, Han made angry gestures toward the horizon. Ellie shielded her eyes from the sunlight and squinted. "Oh, this is freaking awesome!"
And then she jumped out of the way as a giant laser blast sailed right for her.
~*~
"Uh, okay, it's time for you to do something," Kendra said, hurrying over to the General's desk, removing his hands from the mouse and keyboard, and yanking him out of his chair.
"What is it?" the General said, befuddled as usual.
Kendra dragged him out of his office, around her desk, and to the window. "That," she said.
"I knew I had a bad feeling," the General said, reaching his arm out toward his desk. In a split second, his light saber was in his hand, and he was running down the hallway.
"Yep, he's still got it," Kendra said with a grin.
~*~
"Go help," Dor said, shoving Xani away from the Library window and taking his place to view the action.
"Give me one good reason to help them," Xani said.
"Fine, don't help," Dor said. "I'll be perfectly happy listening to the General and Qui-Gon talk about how they saved the day. You know I love stories like that." She smiled when she heard Xani swear and stomp out of the Library.
~*~
Ellie tapped her foot as she waited for the Nurse to answer her phone.
"What?"
"Took you long enough."
"I was busy, Padawan."
"Uh-huh," Ellie said. "You need to call your Senator."
"Why"
"Look out the window."
"I don't see anything," Darry said.
"Just look out the window!"
"Fine," Darry said, opening the pantry door and craning her neck to look out her kitchen window. "Yeah, what's the big deal? Everyone knows that Stormtroopers can't hit the broad side of a barn," she said, watching with little interest as a sea of white armor marched across the pitch while Jael, Max, the Fire Department, and a fairly sober gang of Romans carved their way through the assault.
"Look out your other window," Ellie said. She examined her nails as she waited for her Master to walk to her bedroom.
"Okay yeah, I see what you're talking about."
Ellie appreciatively looked on as the General and Han did their best to defend her zoo from six Imperial Walkers. That is, until one of the Walkers fired on the parking lot. "Hey! They just tried to take out my truck!"
"Calm down. I don't need to call him," Darry said, walking over her laptop.
"Um, yeah you do," Ellie said.
"Patience, Padawan." Darry opened the laptop and maximized the browser. "Great, Swedish porn again?" she asked in the direction of the pantry.
"I didn't need to know that," Ellie said.
The Nurse opened a new tab and logged on to ImperialNet. "Hmm, I'm looking under Today's Skirmishes, but I don't see anything in this county to cancel." She surfed back to the You Are Currently at War With page and clicked the Abort Everything button. "How's that?"
Ellie smiled as all twenty-four legs buckled, and six Imperial Walkers crashed to the ground. "That did it!"
~*~
Judy didn't pay a whole of attention to the series of cell phone ringtones that blared through her Pub that morning. After the previous day's excitement of the invading Americans, followed by the Imperial forces, a good deal of chatter was to be expected.
However, Judy did pay a great deal of attention to the fact that her patrons – mostly Romans – suddenly exited the Pub in a steady stream.
Whatever was transpiring was definitely bad for business.
"What's going on out there?" she asked Remus, who entered through the door that the rest of them had exited.
He shrugged and sat down in front of her. "Some woman."
Judy gave him a stare. "What woman?"
"No idea," Remus said. "But they're quite taken with her."
Judy set down a glass with a loud clunk. "What does she look like?"
"Odd, really," Remus said. "Rather regal in stature, but…."
"But?"
"Completely bald."
"Huh?"
Just then, Kendra came running into the Pub. "We have a problem! A huge problem! A really, really big gigantic problem! Like even bigger than Orcs! Because everyone knows that Orcs don't have very good aim if our drunk fire department can take them out! And even bigger than Stormtroopers because they really have bad aim! But this! This is huge! You're not going to believe—"
"Oh, for goodness sake!" Judy said, throwing down her bar towel, grabbing her bat, and marching outside to see what all the fuss was about. She shoved through the gaggle of Romans who were all scrambling to try and get closer to the woman who was slowly approaching the patio.
Judy blinked as the woman came into clear view, her focus slightly distracted as Delphi and Worf came running upon the scene, yet another of Delphi's alarms having been triggered by this intrusion.
Judy slapped the bat in her palm. "I'd say this is a slightly bigger problem than yesterday's invaders," she said as an enormous cubic shadow blocked the sun above the patio.
"Uh, yeah," Delphi said as Worf made growly noises.
Kendra appeared right behind Judy, wielding her staple gun, first to clear the Romans, then to threaten the approaching intruder. "She's no match for this," Kendra said, then pulling out her portable air compressor and attaching it to her gun. "You're goin' down!"
"Padawan, let's take it down a notch," Judy said, patting her arm.
The woman - if it could be called that - stopped in front of them, her eyes narrowing on Kendra, "Small words from a small being, trying to attack what it doesn't understand."
~*~
Emmy sipped her chai and flipped the pages of her French Vogue. She glared at her phone as it began to skitter across the top of her desk.
"Yeah?" she answered cordially. "Oh, hey Judy. Huh? WHAT?" The Dean jumped up from her chair and looked out the window. "You have got to be kidding me. What's that? I have no idea. Shouldn't we assign this to Worf? Okay. Yeah, I'm on my way." Emmy shoved her phone in her pocket and walked out of her office. Then an idea struck her. She pulled out her phone and dialed Sirius.
"Hello! You're reached Sirius Black. I'm terribly sorry to have—"
Emmy hung up and dialed Laure.
"Can I finally have Tav come work for me?" Laure asked.
"No," Emmy said. "But is it possible that…." The Dean swallowed her pride, as much as it pained her. "Is it possible that your Death Eater—"
"He's not a Death Eater!"
"Whatever," Emmy said. "Is it possible that he might have some kind of voodoo trick that might work on the Borg."
Laure was dead silent for several moments. "You're kidding."
Emmy sighed. "I wish."
Part III
Noe stared at the tablet upon which she’d planned on brainstorming some ideas for dealing with the Borg invasion. This was the first HSU board meeting she’d attended (in fact, she had no idea that HSU even had a boardroom until Darry reminded her that it was that place where everyone threw their shipping boxes for Cal to break down and recycle).
Noe thought it was important to come prepared to her first board meeting, so that she wouldn’t actually have to pay attention (or even attend) subsequent meetings. But so far all she’d written down on her tablet was "buy more Funions" and a strange doodle that sort of looked like one of Darry's EA's.
With a shrug, she stood, grabbed her tablet (it was important to pretend like she’d be taking notes as well), and began to make her exit when she heard more noise than Lady Gaga coming from Blaise’s playground.
Much more noise.
Noe cautiously peered around the corner, as there was no telling what the combination of a Tardis and a barely legal wizard might produce.
Her jaw dropped as she came upon a scene of scantily clad women with bad highlights, gratuitous lip liner, and even more gratuitously artificial body parts. They were joined by men wearing questionable amounts of fake bling and jeans too perfectly faded in certain areas.
Noe was unable to assess what else the men were wearing since a dense cloud of various colognes smacked her in the face, and she stumbled backwards, choking. She wiped her stinging eyes and carefully scaled the wall again to take one last look.
And that’s when she saw Blaise at the far end of the room looking more than a little disturbed with his back to the corner and trying to figure out which of the clubbers to point his wand at first.
She knew she must act quickly in order to save her EA from a complete meltdown. All she’d need to do is set the Tardis back an hour or so, and the skanks and poseurs would go back to wherever they’d been. That would give Blaise enough time to…okay, so maybe she’d have to call in Remus to help ward the place against further invasion just to be on the safe side.
Unfortunately for Noe, the Tardis made noises not unlike that of the Millennium Falcon when she attempted to fire it up. She grabbed her cell phone and called her Doctor. “Where are you?”
“I’m—“
“The Tardis is broken.”
“Yes, I know. Just dashed out to Home Depot to—“
“That’s just great,” she said. “Meanwhile, I’m stuck here with a disco full of Bratz dolls come to life!”
“Come again?”
“We’ve been invaded,” Noe said.
“Oh yes, heard about that. Sirius is here looking for a drill and—“
“No, not the Borg.”
“Oh, that taken care of already?” he asked a little disappointed. He’d rather been looking forward to seeing this monarch everyone was on about.
“No! We have invaders! Here in the Tardis. Bratz and the Axe-wearing men who catch diseases from them!”
“Invaders? In the Tardis? That’s impossible.”
Noe sighed and angrily hung up the phone. She steadied herself, took a deep breath, held it, and plowed through the sea of clubbers to spring Blaise from this fresh hell.
~*~
“Borg and clubbers? Holy crap, this is the worst day ever,” Emmy said as the women gathered in the boardroom, kicking empty boxes aside as they entered.
“I thought yesterday was the worst day ever,” Kendra said, sipping her fizzy tea.
“No, today is the worst day ever,” Emmy said.
Kendra set her glass down. “But yesterday you said that it was the worst—“
“I don’t care what I said yesterday!”
“She never does,” Laure said, sipping her “tea” from Snape’s Slytherin Class of ’78 mug.
“Okay, so, clubbers first,” Noe said, reading from her tablet where she’d written:
“We could feed them to the Borg,” Jael said.
“Oh, I like that idea,” Judy said.
“But then we’d have clubber Borg,” Delphi said.
“Bad idea,” Darry said.
“I could send Tav to the Tardis,” Emmy said. “It would be good for his self-esteem if he could actually remember killing someone.”
“But what if he gets confused again?” Delphi asked.
“Well, just don’t get in his way,” Emmy said. “Geez, this aint rocket science.”
“You could load them in the Hummer,” Darry said to Delphi.
“I am not contaminating my Hummer with clubbers! Maybe we could use a horse trailer.”
"I don't want my trailers contaminated with clubbers," Ellie said.
“Why doesn’t the Doctor just fix the Tardis and send them someplace?” Judy asked.
“Oh,” most everyone said simultaneously, except for Noe, who started laughing.
“I vote for the horse trailer,” Noe said, scribbling through #1. “Now, on to the Borg.”
“I have a really good spell for this,” Dor offered.
“NO!”
“Why not?” Dor said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Can’t we just kill her?” Kendra said.
“Hey!” Dor said. “My spells aren’t that bad!”
“That’s not how I remember it,” Emmy said, still having traumatic flashbacks of Darry's boys in her bed.
“Kill who?” Judy asked, giving her padawan a warning glance.
“Narcissa,” Kendra said. “You know, you kill the head werewolf to undo the other werewolves?”
“Hey, watch what you say about werewolves,” Judy said.
“Okay,” Kendra said, “so you kill the head vampire to undo the—“
“Hey!” Laure said.
“You know what I mean! Sheesh!”
“Sounds fine to me,” Emmy said while trying to chew a huge chunk of dark chocolate she’d shoved into her mouth.
“We’re not going to kill Narcissa,” Darry said.
“Why?”
“Yeah, it would save me a lot of trouble,” Delphi said.
“Let me re-phrase,” said the Nurse. “Which one of you geniuses thinks you can actually accomplish this?”
“I—“
“On your own,” Darry added.
“Together we could—“
“Without the wolf or the mutt,” Darry said. “They may hate her, but they’re not going to kill her.”
“Stupid hippy dippy wizards,” Emmy grumbled.
“I have a great idea!” Ellie said. “We could—“
“And you can’t have my Imperial Walkers either,” Darry said. “The boys are having too much fun with them.”
"No fair," Ellie said.
“Fine,” Delphi said.
"Clearly, we just need to infect the Collective," Darry said. "Delphi could just upload a virus or—"
"Vista!" Delphi said, quite inspired. "I'll just upgrade," she said with air quotes, "the Borg with Vista! That'll melt them down within a couple hours."
“And how long will that take?” Judy asked. “I’m losing money by the half-second thanks to that Borg Queen! The idiots who frequent my Pub just keep following her around everywhere”
"Well, it's slightly complicated. First we need to gain access to the Borg network. Then we need to—"
"Yeah, yeah, so just do it, okay? I'm bleeding cash here," Judy said, eyes growing a bit mad.
“You know what we need?” Emmy said.
“A vacation?”
“Another drink?”
“An industrial grade nail gun?”
“We need an expert in the hive mind.”
~*~
Qui-Gon turned up the volume on the pod race so he could adequately hear the roar of the engines. Just as he raised the footrest of his lounger, he felt a great disturbance in the Force. Da Mastah glanced out the window, and then jumped out of his chair.
“They’re coming,” Qui-Gon said to his wife, who was putting away dishes in the kitchen.
“Who’s coming?”
“All of them,” Qui-Gon said, his voice grave.
“Oh, fun!” Dande said, quickly closing the cupboards and pulling out a couple (several) bottles of wine.
Qui-Gon frowned. And then he heard the front door open.
“Dande!” came a collective call from the entry way.
Da Mastah disappeared to his man cave before he could be caught in the crossfire of Ho’s and Wo’s invading his home.
“Hey girls!” Dande said. “What’s up?” Dande smiled and nodded as several conversations began at once. “Wine?” she said, holding up a bottle, which immediately silenced the room.
After pouring glasses all around, Dande settled into a chintz chair. “So, dish me, girls.”
“The Borg,” Judy said.
“Dande, we need an expert in the hive mind,” Emmy said.
Dande smiled. “You’ve come to the right place!”
“And since Darry won’t let us kill Narcissa, you’re our only hope,” Kendra said.
“I never said I liked the bitch,” Darry said, “but I can’t let you kill her. I don’t know whose name is on the will.”
“Dream on if you think you’re getting your hands on anything that is rightly mine,” Delphi said before turning to Dande. “I’m going to attempt to upgrade the Borg to Windows Vista, but it’s going to take some time since the intergalactic licensing rights are a nightmare.”
“So while she’s working on that,” Emmy said, “we need your Collective to battle their Collective.”
“Okay girls,” Dande said excitedly, “here’s what we need to do! First, I will assemble the Wench Council.”
“Uhhh,” Emmy said. “A whole bunch of Wenches? Here?”
“Yeah, the men might get ideas from that and think we’re supposed to cook or something,” Ellie said.
“Oh no,” Dande laughed. “Not here. In order to fight the Borg Collective, the Wench Collective needs to be pure and free of…um….” Dande paused to find the right words.
“Unpolluted by Ho static, yeah we got that,” Emmy said.
Dande nodded. “The Ho-Wench Continuum is vital to the balance of the universe, but sometimes the hive mind needs its own space to do accomplish the task at hand.”
“Great plan, well done, gotta run,” Darry said, having been separated from her harem for thirty-seven whole minutes.
~*~
The Dean returned to her office, pleased that the Borg were still being occupied by trying to assimilate the slot machines in the casino, especially since Delphi and Worf had succeeded in plugging the queen into the progressive Wheel of Fortune by using Sirius as a decoy, his random trains of thought being more than even the Borg Queen could follow.
That part did not entirely please the Dean, but since Sirius was completely oblivious to the fact that he was bait and was merely fascinated by the hot bald chick in black leather, there was little harm.
Of course, that part didn’t please the Dean either, but she’d deal with him later on that particular issue. Especially since she came upon Tavington sitting in her GDC with a large map of the campus on her desk. The map featured a series of red X’s, green lines, and mysterious yellow highlighter markings. A handful of small paperclips were also spread out across the map.
“What are you doing?” she said, standing next to him while she tried to make sense of it.
Tavington pointed to an area with a red X that featured seven paperclips. “I’m quite certain I took out this entire garrison here.”
Emmy patted him on the shoulder. “Of course you did. I told you, they’re all dead. Go you.”
“But I don’t remember,” Tavington said with frustration.
Emmy nodded sympathetically and gently rubbed the back of his head. “You had quite the nasty bump on your head when you dove to shield me from the cannon fire. It was very heroic. Everyone is still talking about it.”
“Yes, well,” he muttered, shifting uncomfortably since it would never do for a Dragoon to be mushy about anything.
Emmy stood next to him for a few more minutes, feigning support for this fictional tale she weaved to cover for the tranq dart. Then she stepped way and walked toward her door. “Okay then, I need to—“
“What about the bodies?”
She paused. “The…bodies?”
Tavington turned the chair toward her. “If I killed them all, where are the bodies? There wasn’t even any blood on the battle field this morning when I woke up.”
“Silly, you know that today is always landscape day,” Emmy said without missing a beat. “And you didn’t wake up until close to ten. The lawnmowers had already been through by the time you got up.”
Tavington frowned. Sleeping in was so unbecoming an officer of his rank. “So you’re telling me that the landscape crew cleaned up the bodies?” he asked with suspicion.
“Well, duh,” the Dean said. “Who else would clean them up?”
Tavington stood. “What would a landscape crew do with bodies?”
Emmy shrugged. “I dunno, throw ‘em in the yard waste bin?” And then she darted for him and blocked his path. “No, absolutely not. You are not going to dig through the yard waste bins to look for bodies. That’s disgusting. Besides, the landscapers have their own waste truck. It’s long gone by now,” she said, continuing to weave her elaborate tale. “It’s all over with, okay?”
Tavington scowled. “Damn bloody Americans.”
The Dean put her hands on her hips. “Excuse me?” Emmy could always count on any man to give her a sliver of an opening in order to start a big argument that would conveniently distract him from the subject she wanted to avoid. “I’m a damn bloody American!”
“No, I meant that—“
“I’ve been quite tolerant of your anti-American sentiment since the day you arrived.”
“Yes, but—“
“Yes, but? Yes, but what? Yes, you’re completely anti-American? That’s just great. You don’t see me badmouthing the British left and right, now do you? With their taxation without representation and their putting corn on pizza and their sending Victoria Beckham to our country like we'd be okay with that!”
Tavington arched a brow. “It’s hardly the same—“
“How do you think that makes me feel, huh? You hate Americans, so you must hate me, too, right?”
“No, that’s not what—“
“Well fine, if you hate me so much, then I guess you’ll be happy living a celibate life in your tent, having the ants for company and sleemmmmhhhhhhhhhhh,” she said as the Colonel distracted her from the subject he wanted to avoid the best way he knew how.
“Why must you always be so impossible?” he said in her ear as her back hit the wall.
“You’d be so bored without me,” she said, yanking off his coat and quite pleased that, yet again, she’d distracted him from war mongering to a more appropriate outlet for his blood rage.
~*~
“This is all your fault.”
“It absolutely is not,” Lucius replied tersely.
“Don’t you take that tone with me,” Delphi said, her eyes never leaving the computer screen.
“You are married to the woman who caused these invasions,” Worf said angrily, having just returned from hauling the clubbers off campus in a horse trailer hitched to his Hummer. “Had you chosen an appropriate bride, these events would not have unfolded.”
“You dare to speak to me of appropri--”
“Be quiet, both of you!” Delphi said. “And put that wand away! Why can’t you two be like normal EA’s and ignore each other’s existence?”
Worf glared and growled.
Lucius glared and snarled.
“I mean it!” Delphi said. “Do not push me! Do. Not. Push. Me," she said, finally looking away from her computer. "You!” she said, pointing at Lucius. “Go sit over there and hope you don’t piss me off as much as your wife is pissed at you. And you,” she said to Worf, “go wash that stench of skank and cheap cologne off of you!”
Worf frowned. “I had no choice. They would not enter the trailer of their own free will, so I had to deposit them.”
“Just go!”
~*~
Dor was feeling disturbed. Not just her usual level of whatever-based disturbance but something more than normal. It was bad enough that nobody trusted her to perform the anti-Borg spell, but....
Well okay, so it was really a mosquito repellant spell, but logic would dictate that any spell that banished mosquitoes would also have to banish the Borg Collective.
But on top of that, Dor was feeling anxious.
"Pardon me," said a young man she didn't recognize. "Do you know if you have this book?"
"No. We don't," Dor said.
"But I haven't even told you what it--"
"We don't have it!"
The young man sheepishly turned away and exited the Library.
"This might go much better if you were actually helpful," Pelham said as he stirred his tea.
Dor turned on him with fury in her eyes. "We have patrons!"
"Yes, I know," Pelham said.
"We're not supposed to have patrons!"
"It is a library," Pelham said.
"Oh shut up! Since when do we have patrons? And who was that guy?"
Pelham shrugged.
"Yeah, you're a lot of help," Dor said. She took a large swig of Makers. The Borg were one thing, but patrons? Actual, living human beings stomping in and out of her library trying to speak to her? Expecting her to be social? Dor knew that Lucius Malfoy was sorta evil, but his wife was clearly the spawn of the devil.
Just then, the door to the library opened and a pre-teen boy stuck his head in.
"WE DON'T HAVE IT!" Dor yelled.
"You just yelled at a child," Pelham said.
"And? They're just future adults!" Dor said, grabbing the Makers bottle, skipping the glass entirely, and chugalugging.
~*~
"Forget it!" Judy yelled, swinging her bat from side to side. "I say we kill her!"
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Kendra replied excitedly.
"I don't think that would be a wise--"
"You shut it, Lupin!" Judy yelled, swinging her bat at yet another mystery patron who'd set down a glass without a coaster.
"Oh, I can't wait," Kendra said, bouncing up and down and rubbing her hands together.
"There's no need for violence," Remus said, trying to hand Judy a very large block of chocolate. "I can get rid of--"
"SO DO IT!"
"Oh, you better," Kendra said. "I've only seen her like this once before, and there wasn't much left by the time she was done. You think Emmy's Colonel is crazy, you should see Judy when--"
"Padawan! Slice those limes!"
"Maaaaannn," Kendra whined, stomping her foot as Remus quickly moved his own foot out of Kendra's way and quickly began to relocate all of the non-coaster-using mystery customers to a non-specific location somewhere in the vicinity of Wanker U.
~*~
"Yes! I am awesome!" Delphi exclaimed, raising her arms in the air.
"They are departing," Worf said, confirming by looking out the window.
"Just wait til they start trying to assimilate the Vista gadgets," Delphi said. "That whole cube will start short-circuiting." Just then, Delphi's phone began to ring. "Hellooooooo!" she happily answered.
"Hey, Delphi girl!"
"Hey, Dande!"
"Are they gone?"
"They are indeed!"
Dande laughed. "I knew it would work!"
"Me, too!" Delphi said.
"The Wench Council agreed that the best way to fight the Borg was to focus our hive mind on hot Mac Daddy Alpha action. Figured it would send that Queen into conniptions. If all a girl has are drones, it would be completely self-destructive to process Mad Daddy Alpha mojo."
"Great idea! And by the time Vista finishes installing, they'll be nothing but a quivering pile of spare parts that even a Jawa wouldn't touch," Delphi said, giving Lucius a solid, congratulatory punch on the arm, much to his irritation.
~*~
Darry sighed when she heard a loud banging on her door. "I'm busy," she called out. Naturally, there was another bang on the door. "Listen, Dean," she said as she marched to the door. "You're fine," she said as she flung the door open.
Only it wasn't the Dean. It was a woman Darry didn't recognize.
"Hello," the woman said. "I'm with the Estrogen County Department of Health and Human Services. Your clinic has been designated by the CDC as a swine flu quarantine zone."
"What?" Darry said. "That's ridiculous. I haven't heard anything--"
"It's all here," the woman said, flashing a neon yellow notice in Darry's face. "I have one hundred and twenty seven patients for you to quarantine. Everyone, please come in," the woman called down the hall, waving in a gang of sickly, sniffling, coughing patients.
"That it," Darry said, turning and walking to the pantry. "Oi, Blondie. Get out here and Skype your mother right now."
~*~
"Seriously? That's all it took?" Emmy asked with disbelief.
"Yep," Darry said, sipping on her martini in the Pub. "Well, he has to spend the weekend with her playing the dutiful son."
"A whole weekend?" Delphi asked.
The other Ho's exchanged glances, knowing what kind of Nurse mood they were in store for all weekend.
"I'm sure I'll find plenty of other things to keep me busy," Darry said, casting a glance at McCoy.
"What's that?" Emmy said, picking up his glass and sniffing the contents.
"Romulan ale," McCoy said, snatching the glass out of her hands. "It's for medicinal purposes."
"Right," Emmy said.
Ellie leaned back in her chair. "I'm looking forward to a whole weekend of lounging on the beach and reading trashy magazines. A little peace and quiet for once."
"I hear that," Delphi said. Then she looked over at the bar. "How long is she going to keep polishing that?"
"You have no idea," Kendra said, glancing over her shoulder to make sure her Master didn't hear her.
"Lounging on the beach?" Jael scoffed. "We have work to do! My army is clearly unprepared for a major incident."
"Ya think?" Darry said.
"Relax," Emmy said. "We got through this, we'll get through anything." She looked at her watch. "Where the hell is that Marauder?" she said. "I haven't seen him since--" Emmy stopped when she saw Kendra trying to look everywhere in the room but at her. "Kendra?"
"Huh? What? I don't know anything! Why do people think I always know something? I've just been slicing limes. How would I know anything? Okay, okay, fine!" Kendra said, unable to take the pressure of a couple people looking at her. "He bought this big drill at Home Depot and--"
"Craaaaaap!" Emmy said, jumping up and running out of the Pub and toward the Gryff shack.
"She was saying something about relaxing?" Delphi said with a snicker.
"Dor!" Darry said, catching the librarian sneaking out the Pub. "Don't get any ideas!"
"I wouldn't!" Dor said, slowly backing out the Pub trying her very best to look innocent before turning around and running back to the Library.
The End