Title: The Ho-ly Grails
Authors: Darry, with contributions from all faculty and staff
Rating: I for Incredibly silly
Disclaimer: All of the male characters spring from the minds of people who now have a lot more money than we do. If we had to choose, we’d rather have the men.

“What do you mean you’re out of goats?” Dorotea’s face crumpled. “You can’t be out of goats! I need one!” The voice on the other end of the line tried to reason with her. Dor wasn’t good with the reasonable approach. “I absolutely refuse to believe it!”

She paused and listened to the response. Then she slammed down the phone.

“Well?” Xani asked.

“They said they ‘absolutely refuse to give me a goat’.”

~*~

“I know you’re playing FreeCell, so you must have finished with the letter ‘N’,” the Dean shouted over the coffee maker in her desk.

Silence.

Emmy stewed in her GDC as she stirred her coffee, virtually on the edge of strangling her PA with his own hair.

“Hello! I’m talking to you!”

A grunt. Then a groan.

That didn’t sound right.

Maybe he was in pain. Emmy smiled at the thought. Now would be a good time to model those new earrings. Why not pour a couple more carats of salt into whatever wound seemed to be plaguing him today.

The Dean stood and was about to walk out and thwack her PA upside the head with her latest edition of Bellagio Today magazine when she saw him save her the trouble by thwaking his head down on the desk in front of his computer.

Usually losing a game of cards didn’t elicit quite that kind of response. It must be something worse.

It was.

Leaning over Lucius, the Dean looked at his computer screen. It displayed a page from Amazon.Wiz.Owl. Splashed across the website was a huge, glowing, pulsing, flashing advertisement for a new book.

"The Secrets of DADA: My Life in Pictures, 2003 to Present Day!! The new long-awaited behind-the-scenes look at Hogwarts by Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

No, wait. She had absolutely nothing to worry about. Especially since there was bound to be nothing in it about her anyway. Since she’d never even been in the DADA room. And even if there were something in the book about her being in the DADA room, which there wasn’t because she hadn’t, no one at HSU would ever read it. They would never hear about the book. They wouldn’t even know how to access the website. Only people in the wizarding world would be interested in that dandy’s spurious half-truths and sycophantic ramblings.

So what if Lucius was well known to everyone in wizarding circles? Okay, so it might be of interest to a few people that he was not…suffering…as much as he might have been had he been sent to Azkaban.

But she had absolutely nothing to worry about, nosireebob! Who cared if someone read something a little…untoward, and happened to mention it to the Ministry? Or his wife? That was his problem, not hers. No one had really seen them kissing that clearly and even if they had, which they hadn’t, that’s all they saw.

And she was sure no one would recognise her from what was sure to be an exaggerated and completely erroneous description by that obnoxious fop. No, no one could possibly figure out who she was…

“Remove. Your. Hand.” Lucius growled. Only then did The Dean realise she had absently placed her hand on her PA’s shoulder while leaning over him to look at the computer screen. And only then did she realise that in the midst of concocting that stream of completely nonsensical rationalisations, she had once again been painfully digging her fingernails into his flesh.

~*~

“Now that I’ve been inaugurated, I think I need my own office,” Commo stood imperiously and now presidentually at Laure’s desk. She sat trying to read the latest complaint submitted by Wicket on behalf of all the Ewoks regarding Cal, Logan, The Elf, the Orcs, the Squid, and Kendra’s zamboni.

“Sweetie, now isn’t really the time. Why don’t you go over to Jael’s and see if James wants to have a game of darts or pin-the-tail-on-the-tiger or something. I’ll be finished soon and we can get back to that age old tradition of anointing the newly appointed leader in scented oil. Sound good?”

It must have, as Commo’s eyes had glazed over and an evil smile formed on his lips.

~*~

“Where are they?”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kendra stalled for time, whilst sorting out the General’s schedule for the day. He was over at the Pub’s window watching Jael and Bond out on the rugby pitch. Max was refereeing a sabre fight between them.

“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. There are four missing.” Judy held up her abacus to Kendra. “See?”

Kendra tilted her head this way and that, but still couldn’t see what Judy was getting at with that contraption. It was something the Bartender’s Chief of Pub Security had given her and she had found keeping track of her coasters with it remarkably easy.

“Is that a new toy for Cara?” Kendra tried.

Judy ignored Kendra’s statement. “No one would have been foolish enough to try to remove them, since they have a spell on them now. Which means they have to be around here somewhere.” Kendra dashed for the door, the General and his schedule forgotten. “SEAL THE ROOM!”

The Pub’s Emergency Coaster-Retrieval doors swooped shut, trapping Obi-Wan in with the Bartender.

Wait a gosh-darn minute, Kendra thought.

Disgruntled, she went back to her office to await her Prince and his “inventory” session. As she sat down, the phone rang.

~*~

“Darling, that’s not a goat.”

“I know that!” The Librarian spat at her husband. “It’s the next best thing.”

“You don’t think the next best thing might have been a sheep or a moose or a-”

“Shut it, you! It’ll work!” Dor paced around the enormous slab of feta cheese that sat in the centre of the pentagram inlaid within the Library’s parquet floor.

“Even a llama might have been-”

“I told you to shut up! You’re ruining my concentration and I have to get this right.” Dorotea scanned the page of the spell book which the lust-filled 5th year Ravenclaw had given her. For his trouble, Dorotea allowed him to kiss her hand. And lick her earlobe. But she hadn’t told Xani that last part.

“Dearheart, what exactly are you trying to do?” LP wandered over and scowled at the massive dairy product on the floor. “Someone’s dropped some food,” he duly noted.

“It’s NOT food! It’s a goat!”

“It is?” LP squinted at the white block. “Why has the goat got…?” He trailed off, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

“WHAT?!” Dorotea demanded.

“Corners.”

“It’s a special type of Greek goat,” Xani explained to LP then turned back to his other wife. “Now, darling, far be it from me to tell you your business, but why do you need to blot out the sun anyway?”

“Cicero asked me to do it.”

There was an astonished silence. This was not at all, in any way the response either man had expected. What the hell did Cicero need the sun blotted out for? And why the hell would Cicero even speak to Dor unless he absolutely positively had to? And why, even if he had asked, would Dorotea actually DO it?

“Okay….” Xani said, as Dor once again pored over the ancient and well-scribbled in book.

“Why would he ask you to do that?” LP asked, looking over Dor’s shoulder but not understanding anything he saw.

“Said he was finding it too difficult to juggle Laure’s schedule. Said if he could arrange Spike’s appointments with her during the day, it would make his life a lot easier.”

“But why are you doing it?” Xani was intrigued. The neighbours tolerated each other, but were not on friendly terms. That is, they didn’t borrow cups of sugar from each other or anything. Course there was that one time when Darry came over for some potions ingredients.

But of course! Dor had tried to raise Cic from the dead for the Nurse. That had gone spectacularly wrong and they had ended up with that secretive man who had smoked an entire pack of Morley’s before they had finally sent him back to where he belonged. (In the end, Max had just told his Servant that the Nurse really fancied him and to move into the Clinic with her. It had been as simple as that.)

Perhaps it could be again.

“Precious, why don’t you just try asking the sun to go out?” Xani tried it on for size.

Dor looked meaningfully up at her Greysider. “And when that doesn’t work and Laure gets to her room to find a pile of ashes on her bed waiting for her, she’ll be eternally grateful, right? Now, will you leave me the frak alone! I’m trying to concentrate!”

“C’mon, Badboy,” LP pulled Xani by the sleeve. Let’s go play on the X-Box. It’ll be safer.”

Dor didn’t notice them leave as she started drawing runes around the massive white obelisk.

~*~

Delphi was getting irked. It was bad enough trying to sort out people’s laptops when they actually knew what one was but this was beyond annoying.

She sighed heavily and put the phone back to her ear, holding it painfully against her head and shoulder while she pressed some buttons on her keyboard trying to see if the long-distance wi-fi system was still patent.

“So did it just shut down? Or do you still have a site up and the network just isn’t connected.”

“Er…yes,” came the unsure reply.

“'Yes' to the first one or 'yes' to the second? Harry, this would be a damn sight easier if you knew what you were talking about.” Delphi pressed some more buttons and sighed heavily again.

“Um, this isn’t Harry. This is Ron.”

“Whatever.” Delphi didn’t care at this point. “How about an answer?”

“We can see the screen, but we can’t change it,” Ron responded.

“What’s the screen say?” Delphi was just going to reboot the whole thing from her end.

“Er…”

“What. Does. It. Say?” Delphi was this close to opening a bottle of something not good for her.

“Er…’Hot Russian lesbians warm things up in Siberia.’” Ron read back to her.

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere,” Delphi said, all business. Instantly, she remotely shut down the computer and restarted it to a chorus of disgruntled “Awww what?!”s.

~*~

“Ellie, are you ever going to get off that thing?” Han really wanted to spend some “quality time” with his Ho, while they had the place to themselves.

Beep. Ring. Beep. Beep. Ring. Ring.

“C’mon, it’s bad enough that that thing sounds like a droid, but now you’re wasting precious privacy!”

No response.

“Ellie! Get off that thing, get over here, and get on this thing RIGHT NOW!” Han demanded, going for the direct and smutty approach.

Over the din of the slot machine Ellie thought she could vaguely hear one of her EAs saying something.

~*~

“Cedric, are you stealing these things? How come we seem to have so many? It’s only you and Viktor who need them, isn’t it?” The Nurse slammed closed the filing cabinet drawer labelled “Gloves”. There were fifteen and a half pairs of Quidditch gloves in it. The next drawer down said “Shin Guards” and wouldn’t even open properly it was stuffed so full.

Cic was over at Laure’s, keeping the books and Remus sat at his desk drawing large red crosses through a week of days on the Clinic’s calendar.

No one seemed particularly surprised or worried that ominous purple smoke began seeping through the hole in the wall connecting the Clinic to the Library. However, it did seem strange the smoke was closely followed by a smell that could only be described as “Greek salad”.

“Frak, now what?” Darry grumbled, turning back to the cabinet.

Then everything went black.

Cedric caught the Nurse just as she was about to hit the deck.

~*~

Panic hit HSU. It wasn’t a panic borne of fear or rage. It was the panic of men who up until now didn’t know how to get their Hos, Wos and Wench to shut the frak up and who suddenly find that their world has gone silent. That part wasn’t all bad. But their world had also become much less soft and curvy. That part was bad.

~*~

“If I’ve told you once, Kendra dear, I’ve told you a million times…do not bother wasting your money on one of those substandard shredders that don’t multi shred at least 20 pages. And for the love of the Tooth Fairy, don’t get one of the diamond cut shredders, spend wisely and get a good, dependable heavy-duty cross-cut shredder…”

Legolas leaned his head closer to the desk, ear to the red bejewelled phone that had been speaking in tongues non-stop since his arrival in the secretary’s office after noticing something amiss. The Ho that took great pleasure in chasing him, just sat wide-eyed in her office chair, seemingly, well, unseemly.

At first thought, the Elf had surely figured she had been taken over by Saruman…that glazed-eyed look and such but upon further inspection, and realizing she had just washed her hair with a magnificent smelling shampoo. The Elf took out bow and arrow and had searched her office for Orc. Better to be safe than sorry. That shampoo was wonderful; he’d have to get the name.

Hesitant, the Elf listened more closely to this odd device that he had seen spoken into as well as thrown upon many occasions.

“…Kendra? Are you listening to me? I am just offering you sound advice on paper shredders, who only knows what you might come home with if left to your own devices, sweetie. Might I remind you of that time you went a bit crazy and thought you could handle that heavy-duty hole puncher….”

Legolas swallowed thickly, he knew well that tone—it was parental. He was afraid. Summoning up his courage, the Elf picked up the glittery phone and held it to his ear.

“Pardon, Milady…”

“…have you tried the new blue gummy fish I told you about last time we spoke? You never call me any more. You suddenly become the General’s secretary and you think you’re too good to speak to your mother. I was in labor with you for two weeks…and a day…and this is the thanks I get…Kendra? Sweetie?”

The Elf charged forward. “Nay…Legolas of the Woodland Realm…”

“Oh….OH…the Elf my daughter speaks of so often. So, how are you? Are you as cute as she insists? Are you married? Any kids? Want kids?”

“Milady…I…”

“Your father, what’s he like? Handsome? Dashing? Single? He’s a king, right? Has his own mine? Mother dead? So this makes you a prince of something or the other, huh…”

“Yes…do you not wish to know of your daughter’s welfare?”

“I’m sure she’s fine, just zoned out on gummy fish, it’s happened to her since she was three,” the Elf looked down at the Ho and shook his head, suddenly, he had a new understanding for the woman as he sat down on the arm of her chair and sighed, patting her shoulder most gently. “Now, where were we? Oh yes, your family history…”

“Yes prince…yes, yes, fine…King…mother dead, or so I’m told. Your daughter is a bit incapacitated at the moment don’t you wish to know…” There was a slight pause on the line; the Elf smacked the cell phone against the desk. “Milady?”

“Now, are you the one my daughter likes to braid?”

The Elf gave a bit of a secret smile, he was safe in doing such now since the Ho in question was totally out of it.

“I am,” he said, puffing up just a tad.

“Good, well then, don’t you think it’s about time you let her trap and braid you? Hmmm, young man? She’s not getting any younger, you know.”

Legolas sighed forlornly. Parents just don’t understand. “Milady…impending Orc attack, I must leave immediately before we are overrun…” he lied, sweating, wishing to end this conversation but also not wishing to be rude.

“Tell me Mr. Woodland Realm, why are you not letting my little girl play with your arrows? Or quiver?”

At this, the Elf gasped indignantly and put the phone back down to the desk.

“All alike, you men…take, take, take, never give, give, give, well unless you are that nice Jedi boy who wears those sexy boots and…”

Legolas promptly tossed the phone into the nearby fish tank, it was best he felt not to know certain things of this General and his pursuer.

~*~

Commodus paced in Laure's outer office, golf club over one shoulder, frown of worry on his face. The phone rang. Startled, he stopped and stared at it, noticing the red flashing light read twenty-eight messages at the same time he wondered where that annoying servant of Maximus' was who was supposed to answer the shrill thing.

It stopped ringing and after a moment, the number twenty-nine began to flash.

Then it rang again.

Setting down his golf club, Commo decided to answer the phone. Perhaps--just perhaps--the person on the other end could help his beloved.

And if it was an annoying salesperson he would simply send his Legions to massacre them.

Picking up the phone he said, in a strong voice, "Lady Laure's office, Emperor Lucius Aurelius Commodus Antoninus speaking."

"Commodus, where is my daughter?"

Commo flinched and almost put the phone down. "Um, Lady Mary Ann, such a delight to hear..."

"I've been trying to reach her all day. She's not answering her cell."

He thought fast. "She's...um...she's at work."

The shrill, aristocratic voice clipped, "Nonsense," before continuing at a quick pace. "I know very well she spends most of her time lounging on the beach drinking margaritas and ogling men."

What?

"What?"

"And no one is answering in her office, well, until you. Where's her secretary? On the damn beach, as well?"

Commo tried to salvage both the conversation and his beloved's reputation. "I assure you, my lady, she is at work. Counselling."

"She never turns off her cell. She always answers when I call."

Which was true, Commo admitted to himself. A Ho never turned off her cellular phone and, Laure always answered her mother to avoid things just like this.

"I've tried Darry's number, that Dean woman's number, the pub, that sweet Dande's home. No one is answering. Well, until you. I was beginning to think you'd all blown yourselves up."

Mentally Commo shrugged. That was as good an explanation as any. "I shall go find my darling and have her call you immediately."

"Commodus..."

He quickly continued, not wanting her to launch into one of her many half-drunken diatribes about any number of issues that interested him not at all. "Truly, Lady Mary Ann, my beloved is well and content and I'm certain there's a good explanation for why she isn't answering. I shall go discover it and I swear on my father's life, she will call you and explain everything."

With a sigh of relief and her high-pitched annoyed voice complaining in his ear, he hung up, then gingerly removed the receiver from the cradle and set it on the desk.

The annoying beeping that started a moment later was sweet music to his ears compared to Laure's mother.

~*~

“Mom?”

“-&^$&^$£&%$£^%$%&^*ing guns!”

“Mom!”

“-*&^$&%$£&%$&(*()*ING EXPLOSIVES!”

“MOM!”

“-&^%&^%&^%$%*&ING APOCALYPSE!!!!”

“MOTHER! I’m trying to talk to you! It’s about Jael…!”

“I’ve got to go, John! The armoured personnel vehicle is leaving without me. Talk again, soon. Love you!”

Connor hung up the phone. He’d have Bond call her back later.

~*~

~*~

“Who is this? Can we talk?” Cedric held the phone clumsily to his ear as the loud woman on the other end stopped speaking long enough for him to reply.

“Er…”

“Where’s my daughter? I need to find out if that nice Jewish boy she brought home for Chanukah is coming over for Pesach. The butcher is taking orders now, and I don’t want to be left high and dry without a brisket.”

Ced had absolutely no idea what the woman was on about. Lamely, he held the phone out to Cicero who was keeping Darry’s brow cool with a wet face cloth. She didn’t actually need it, but he felt he should be doing something.

“Who is it?” Cic mouthed to Ced.

Cedric held his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered “Her mother.” Cic shook his head vehemently and pointed to Palpatine, who was busily looking through the Rolodex on the Nurse’s desk. Ced handed him the phone.

“Ahhh, Mrs Willis, how good to hear your voice again.” He oozed.

“And what about the Matzoh?” Mrs Willis continued. “If he is coming, I’ll need some more. Oy, why does my husband do this every year? Every year, I say to him, Sam, I say, we could just go to the Seder at the shul the first night, but no, he insists on having one at home on the second, I swear that man will be the death of me yet…”

“I know, it must be terrible for you,” Palpatine continued absently whilst pulling out a card from the Rolodex and handing it to Cic.

“Forty years I’ve been married to that man. And let me tell you, he-”

“I’m afraid Darry is busy at the moment with a patient. You see we’ve had a bit of a run on flu here the last week and she’s having to keep a watchful eye on the students. Not wanting to have an epidemic on her hands, as I’m sure you’ll agree. Can I ask her to call you back when it’s convenient?”

Cic looked at the card and then handed it to Cedric, who shrugged.

Mrs Willis appeared not to have heard the Senator. “You know, I’ve tried her cell phone and all I get are either some guy who calls himself a moulding FBI agent or a couple of foreign-sounding adolescents shouting at me in Latin! I mean, if Darry has gone and lost another phone, I don’t know what I’ll do! My brother-in-law, you know, has that cell phone franchise, and he’s happy to supply us with some lovely new models, but, oy veh, my daughter has lost four of them already, not to mention what my son has done with his-”

Palpatine pulled out the cell phone Darry had given him and carefully inspected the back. Inscribed on the metal casing was “Another Quality Product from David Cohen & Associates, Inc.”

“-just gone and taken it with him! Don’t know why. I mean, what kind of signal could he possibly get on Mars? Although I think he might have tried harder to call his parents once in awhile when he was on Earth, but now that he’s millions of miles away…”

“Yes, yes, I know how things can get with families…” Palpatine continues smoothly. “Fathers…sons…”

“…and that reminds me, my cousin Irma, have I told you about her? Well, she…”

The Senator took back the card from Cedric, and while Mrs Willis rabbited on, Palpatine carefully set down the phone, turned on the Nurse’s desktop and began looking through the HSU Personnel’s Medical files.

~*~

The phone rang in the Library, startling Xani, but he knew if he ignored it'd go to Voice Mail. He wondered idly if Dor had ever once checked the Library's Voice Mail. He doubted she had the slightest inclination to do so (or even knew how).

He opened a fresh bottle of vodka (borrowed from the Clinic), now rather enjoying the peace and quiet of the campus as John Connor pulled out a gun out and shot the ringing telephone.

Xani blinked, rolled his eyes and took a drink -- peace and quiet being relative terms at HSU. "They don't have phones in the apocalyptic near future?"

John lowered his gun and deadpanned. "I was just tired of no one ever answering it."

LP sniffed. "It's a shame they don't have fashion or showers in the near future...speaking of," he glanced disdainfully toward John. "We do here. Hint. Hint."

The gun was raised again, pointing toward the Lavender Lord. Xani sighed, almost missing Dor. Almost.

The moment was broken by the vibration of her cellphone. Xani looked toward Dor, sprawled on the floor where she had fallen, next to the huge block of feta cheese. A muffled sound was coming from her pocket...

Yeah, I'm thinkin' about the doorbell...When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it...Yeah, I'm thinkin' about the doorbell.

Xani gave a sigh, pulling himself up and kneeling down next to his wife's...body...and digging the phone out of her jeans. This is not nearly as fun when she's not hitting me, he observed, snapping open the phone without looking at the Caller ID.

"Yo."

"Xani, it's Mother. How are you, love? Is Dor still working on her spell? Is it going well?"

"Hi...Mother," Xani said, acid reflux making him choke slightly on the word 'mother'. He glanced toward Dor's prone body on the floor. This spell had not gone well; it’d gone completely frakkity-frakking awry. "Define well."

"Just let me talk to her, I'll help her with it."

"Er, she's....busy."

"Xanatos. How many times have I told you not to answer the phone when she's doing that?"

"Sorry...Mom."

"Just have her call me later."

"Yes, Mom."

"That's a good boy."

Xani slammed the phone shut and tossed it in the air. "Target practice, Connor."

Lock, load, and BANG.

Peace and quiet returned to the library. Unless you counted LP's complaints about bits of cellphone in his hair.

~*~

Qui-Gon strode purposefully into the room (a pity his Wench was out like a light, because she would have loved it) to find his young daughter talking on the phone.

Cara: "No Grand Ma Ma, I don’t know...Auntie Dorrie needed goat cheese and..."

Qui-Gon, in a moment of panic (Jedi can have them, especially when their sweet innocent daughters are about to spill the beans to their domineering, meddling, slightly unbalanced mothers in law), snatched the phone from the little girl. Taking a deep breath, the dead and risen Jedi Mastah tried to sound like nothing was amiss.

“Lowaxanna, how are you? So nice to hear from you....What? Whatever are you talking...? No. Sleeping? No. Of course not. Dande's ...shopping. Yes, that's right. Something about new chintz in the shops. She took Dorotea's wife, what's his name...wears purple...No, not the Artist Formerly Known As...wait, he's Prince again now, right? Anyway, no, not him. Lord Pelham.”

Qui-Gon sighed audibly and started again. “Yes, Loaxanna, he's a real Lord. Well, yes I suppose he has a lot of money...He best have, the way he spends it, otherwise Dor will have to find honest work to support him in the manner to which...Oh yes, right. You were saying? Lying to you? You think I'm lying to you? What? No! I'm not repeating everything you say. No I'm not. I did not just do it again. Listen! This is getting out of hand Loaxanna!”

You've no idea how out of hand, Qui-Gon thought to himself, before he remembered Loaxanna Troi was Betazoid, and therefore, telepathic. Qui-Gon held the receiver away from his ear and winced at the onslaught from the holder of the Holy Chalice of Reeks.

"I promise you, Dande is not....sleeping. No, Loaxanna, I did not just try to whammy you over the phone. No...I, no! Of course not. When have I ever whammied you? Well, except for that one time, yes. No I'm not trying again right now.”

Sensing he was losing ground, Qui-Gon desperately tried to sway the conversation away from Dande's state of consciousness.

“Listen, Loaxanna, how are you? Any new men in your life? Hmmm? Such a vivacious, engaging woman like you must....” Qui-Gon did his best to sound suave. “What? No, I'm not just trying to be charming...”

Qui-Gon's face relaxed into a smile. Finally! This entire conversation would go his way if he used a whammy of a different sort.

"Why, Loaxanna, when speaking to a woman of your calibre, a man can only hope to make sense, much less have enough presence of mind to be charming. Oh, but I do mean it. A man hasn't really a chance, has he? So, who's this new friend of yours? Oh, a real Lord, too, so I suppose he has money?"

Qui-Gon sighed inwardly with relief. After all, this was just another diplomatic mission, wasn't it? He was a Jedi Mastah, wasn't he? No, no more panic. All this required was a Jedi Charm Whammy, not a Jedi Mind Whammy.

Much simpler all around, Qui-Gon mused to himself as he hung up. "No more commands from Her Highness today" he said as he bowed to the cradled phone on the counter. He then left Loaxanna behind with a satisfied snort and scooped his young daughter into his arms.

"Daddy, why did you lie to Grand Ma Ma?"

And he halted mid step and tried to think of what to say.

"I didn't lie to your Grand Ma Ma, pumpkin. I...was being diplomatic. You know, like when Mommie tells Auntie Dor that she likes the torn brocade and combat boots and racoon eyeliner she wears?"

"No, it's different." The child said as she stared a hole into her father. "Mommie lies to be nice or to keep people from burning the campus down or to keep Auntie Kendra from freaking out. You just lied to get out of trouble."

“Well, I...” Qui-Gon looked around a bit desperately as he handed the little girl to Cedric and Mary Poppins, her nannies. Cedric looked down in Qui-Gon presence as he considered the Mastah to be a great wizard. Ced wasn't quite clear on the whole Jedi/wizard differences, but Poppins fixed Qui-Gon with a haughty stare, to be sure. "Well, I..."

"S'okay, Daddy." Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper "Sometimes, I lie to get out of trouble, too."

Qui-Gon raised a brow in mock seriousness "You do?"

Cara nodded "Uh-huh. Like when Pony and I tear up the lawn galloping. Mommie doesn't know we can gallop yet. But Pony and I do. And I lied to Auntie Emmy when she asked me if I'd seen her old tiara. I told her ‘no’."

"And you had seen it?"

Cara nodded again.

"I put it on my pony. I named my pony Stardust, and the tiara was sparkly," the tot confessed. "I thought she'd like it." She looked up at him with big eyes, nervous that this was going to get her A Big Jedi Lecture.

The Jedi noticed the child’s effective use of Doe Eyes. "I see. Did Princess Stardust like the tiara?" Qui-Gon asked dryly.

"No, she said it was over-done and she'd rather have starlight mints."

Qui-Gon chuckled, thinking his daughter was making a joke. Then he saw the very serious look on her face and paused.

"She did? She told you that?"

"Uh-huh. So I snuck over and stuck Auntie Emmy's sparkly tiara onto Mr. Legolas' head while he was sleeping by the pond."

"Did it work?" Now Qui-Gon was interested.

"Yes! You should have heard it. Mr. Legolas wouldn't give the tiara back! He said it was 'shiny and Elven made’ and Auntie Emmy, she said "I'll show you ELVEN MADE, YOU...."

"That's enough Cara; it's time for lunch." Ms. Poppins said briskly, interrupting the conversation fortuitously while setting the table.

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon made a mental note to, at a later date, get to the bottom of what sort of abilities a chid whose mother was a Powerful Wench and whose father was a Jedi Mastah might possess. And did those abilities include the power to know when a Jedi was lying, the power to *five-finger* diamonds from Emmy, the power to talk to ponies and the power to out-sneak an Elf of Mirkwood?

But for now, he simply kissed Cara’s cheek and turned his attention to the matter at hand.

~*~

Bond dug through the Warrior Princess' Intergalactic-Battle-Chair (or whatever the hell she called the bloody thing) looking for her cell phone. It amazed him that she even had one considering she lived in a medieval stone fort with a bunch of Roman era soldiers. At least she wasn't wearing that leather warrior princess get-up with the metal bra anymore. This was a strangest place he'd ever been... even though he had no idea at all how he got here to begin with. That was a question for another day though. He was pretty sure the bloody Americans were behind it though. Right now however his mission was to call Jael's mum and let her know that her daughter was in a voo-doo induced coma.

He opened her purple phone and smiled his sexy grin- he was her screensaver- the jacket to his tuxedo open, bow-tie undone, holding a machine gun. He flipped through her contact list "Diva, General, Judy, Kendra, Laure, Nurse, Other General, Pizza Hut..."

Finally he found the one labelled "Mom". He hit the speed dial and listed to the phone ring, trying to decide exactly what to say.

"Hi there.” *pause, laugh* “Fooled you. You’re talking to a machine, but don’t be shy; machines need love too. So talk to it...”

Bond looked at the phone. "Fuck," he said as the answering machine beeped.

"Ms. Connor, this is Bond, James Bond. Your daughter is in a coma. Please call back on her secure line for more information."

A man of few words, he thought that said it all and he hung it up. Then he hit the "Judith" button on Jael's fancy stolen chair, and untied his bow-tie, kicking his feet up on her new desk while he waited for the chair to shake, not stir, his drink.

~*~

Lucius sat at the table pondering the Borgin & Burkes catalogue and idly tapping his pimp stick against his shiny black boots. Across the room, Worf's head was buried in a tangle of wiring as he attempted to improve the satellite tracking for the university's pirated internet connection. The relative silence (swishing pages, occasional Klingon expletives) was interrupted by the sound of Delphi's cell phone, sitting on the table next to Lucius.

Shareeef don't like it! Rock the casbah, rock the casbah...

Lucius made no sign of noticing. He dog-eared the catalog page for "Hand of glory, 345 Sickles."

Shareeef don't like it! Rock the casbah, rock the casbah...

Worf pulled his head out of the mess of cables. "Answer it!" he demanded. Lucius looked up.

"I do not do Muggle technology," he said. "I dislike the smell it leaves on my hands. You answer it. No one would notice the smell on you."

Worf growled deep in his throat, strode across the room and snatched the tiny phone from the table.

"Yes?!" he barked.

A cool, aristocratic female voice on the other end said, "This is not what I expect when I telephone a University."

"HSU IT Department, Lieutenant Worf speaking," he said, gritting his teeth.

"Much better," the woman said patronizingly. "I expect - wait a moment. Not Lieutenant Worf of StarFleet?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

"But whatever are you doing there? I seem to recall you were a career officer with a splendid future, much talked about."

Worf looked around the room as if hoping for help, but Lucius was paying no attention and Delphi - obviously - wasn't available. Who was this strange woman? "Uh, yes," he said finally. "I was brought here by Delphi Psmith, Head of IT for HSU."

The woman laughed. "She must have something very serious on you to be able to force you to leave your career with Starfleet and waste your days working for a collection of-shall we say-less than proper women!"

Worf's eyebrows became one as he frowned. "She does not blackmail people!"

"Of course she does. I certainly do. If I want a man, I have him. If he wants to tell, he finds that he can't. Everyone does it."

Worf held the phone out towards Lucius. "One of your...associates, I expect."

Lucius looked disdainfully at the cell phone. "As I have told you - repeatedly - I do not use Muggle devices."

"taHqeq!" Worf snorted [dishonorable, evil, obnoxious, devious, deceitful, and basically an unpleasant creature to deal with.] He hit a button on the phone. "There, it's on speakerphone, you won't have to touch it." He set it down next to Malfoy and went back to his work on the wiring and cables.

Lucius eyed the cell phone warily. "Hello?" he said. "To whom have I the honor of speaking?"

"What nice manners!" the woman's voice said. "Clearly from an old and aristocratic family." Lucius smiled. What a perceptive woman! "Might this be Lucius Malfoy? I've heard some very interesting things about you. I believe we have a great deal in common."

Malfoy raised an eyebrow a fraction. "Indeed. And you are?"

"The Marquise de Merteuil, of course. Delphi's mother."

Lucius face lost its habitual bland condescension and went a bit green. Worf stood up so fast he cracked his skull on the open panel door and let out a loud "Qu'vatlh!" then turned and stared at Malfoy in dismay.

On tiptoe, he came over to the table and looked at the cell phone as though it were a viper. He mouthed the words, "Did you know?" at Malfoy, who shook his head, disarranging his long blond hair which more than anything else betrayed his utter shock. This woman? Delphi's mother?? Malfoy had seen her in Knockturn Alley once; even the hags had stayed well out of her way.

"Now let me see," the Marquise continued. "Am I correct in assuming that the two of you have been, er, 'working' with my daughter?"

"Er." said Worf.

"Well." said Malfoy.

"Come now, you don't think I mind?" She laughed. "I always told her, with a few elementary precautions you can do it with as many men as you like, as often as you like, in as many different ways as you like. And it's good for your skin. Though I admit," she added thoughtfully, "I never expected she'd take my advice. I must have taught her better than I knew."

Worf's eyebrows appeared to be attempting to crawl off the top of his head. Malfoy closed his eyes, thinking of that thing Delphi had done the night before with her tongue. Surely she didn't learn THAT from her mother! "Well." he said weakly, "we'll tell her you called."

"Oh but I want to talk to her," the Marquise said. "It's quite important."

The wizard and the Klingon exchanged a frantic glance. Both had faced deadly peril, had hazarded their lives on more than one occasion, but this woman terrified them both into paralysis. This was bad. Very bad.

"Ummm..." said Worf.

"Ahhh...." said Malfoy.

"Is there a problem?" The Marquise's voice sharpened. "Delphi and I are not on the best of terms, I admit, but she is my daughter and if there's something wrong I should like to know."

Malfoy cleared his throat. He was a Death Eater, damn it!! Lying and deception were his business!! "She is well, Madame, I assure you. She is at the moment...indisposed"

The Marquise sighed. "Too much wine last night? It's very kind of you to be so delicate about it, but I know how she can be. She is such an intelligent girl but she does have a weakness for the wine."

"Yes," Malfoy said smoothly, feeling more confident. "We had an inauguration recently and the festivities were somewhat prolonged."

"I shall depend upon you, Mr Malfoy, to keep her from starting before ten in the morning," the Marquise said firmly. "It ages one so to be drinking at breakfast. Tell her to call me tomorrow, then, Lieutenant. Good afternoon to you both."

"Of course," the two men said in unison. The Marquise clicked off and the two men wilted in their chairs in relief.

~*~

~*~

Han, Indy and Logan sat in one of the back rooms of the vet clinic playing poker. Occasionally one of Ellie's EAs would look over at her prostrate form, be sure she was breathing, then look back to his chips. All three looked up expectantly when the phone rang.

"We knew someone would call eventually," Han groaned.

Logan growled, "I'm not answering it." Then he skewered the lab table next to him.

Indiana rolled his eyes at the mutant. They would have to replace yet "another" table. "Okay, men, we can't be stupid about this. One of us will have to answer the phone."

They all looked at each other.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Han said finally, the phone droning on and on in the background.

"Done." Logan and Indy said unison.

~*~

Indy picked up the phone, Han and Logan still snickering at his defeat.

"HSU Veterinary Clinic."

"Darling, is this the lovely Dr. Jones?" Lauren's svelte voice came through the receiver.

"Hello, Ms. Bacall, how can I help you today?" Indy knew how to work Ellie's biological mom.

"Dear," she said, blowing a puff of smoke softly, "I need to speak with my daughter."

"I'm afraid she's busy with a client. Terrible Ewok flu going around."

Lauren paused a moment, expecting to hear slots ringing in the background and Dr. Jones covering for her. She much approved of the professor, even if he wore bow ties. The other two were scruffy and unkempt, though apparently quite adept in the bedroom, which almost made up for their fashion indiscretions.

"If you are telling me a lie, I shall find out, Doctor."

Indy cringed. He hated riling up Ms. Bacall. She tended to show her disdain by sending expensive suits with REGULAR ties and then Ellie insisting he wear them.

"No, she really is unavailable to speak." He looked back over his shoulder and watched droplets of drool drop from Ellie's mouth to the slot controls.

"Well, at least tell me she is wearing something fabulous today. I do so hate it when she wears that awful field gear." Another breath of smoke exhaled.

"Louis Vuitton earrings, Chanel slacks, Prada top, Gucci shoes."

"Excellent, do have her call me," and the line went dead.

As soon as Indy replaced the receiver it rang again.

"Someone else's turn," he said and lifted up his hands in defeat.

The machine picked up and a chipper voice filled the room.

"Yoohoo, Ellie dear, I need to speak with you about attending a charity event for a new protection fund I'm setting up. Pick up, luv."

Han and Indy looked at Logan.

"No, I don't care if the woman likes me. She thinks I'm some sort of animal to be coddled.

Han grinned and opened his mouth for a wry response.

Logan snarled.

"Logan, honey, pick up, it's Mum," the airy, British-tinged voice continued.

Ellie's adopted mum, Jane, continued. "Oh well, hope all is well with your other roommates. Call me soon; we'll go for a hike next time I'm in town."

Finally, quiet again.

All three men sighed in relief and picked up their poker cards.

The phone rang again.

Han unholstered his blaster and shot the phone across the room, silencing it for good. "Okay, so I'm in for a thousand."

~*~

Lupin stared helplessly at the Pub phone. It had been ringing intermittently for over an hour. He knew it needed answering but he wasn’t quite sure how to go about doing that. He thought about tossing it across the room, which is what the often Nurse did when her phone rang, but that didn’t seem to accomplish actually answering the device. Muggle technology could be so confusing.

He looked around for help but the only ones in the Pub at this noon hour were a few miners and LP, who were all hooked on some show called “The Young and the Restless.” The phone rang again, and Lupin wasn’t sure but somehow it sounded more insistent this time. Could it be connected to the Bartender’s being knocked out cold? He and the General had thought she might be more comfortable in the storeroom, which is where they had gently although unceremoniously laid her unconscious body. Lupin had tried to rouse her, going so far as to wave chocolate under her nose but even that hadn’t helped.

Grimacing, he gingerly picked up the handle thing and gave a tentative “Hello?” An elegant but high-pitched voice shouted from the receiver: “Judy, dear? Is that you? Helloooo? This is Mommy. I’ve the most wonderful news, dear. Judy?? Dear??”

Lupin started for a moment then decided he’d chance a response. “Ye..yes? I’m afraid Judy is not currently available.”

“Who is this? Is this that delightful General Kenobi?” the voice immediately took off at light speed. “Oh, General! How *are* you, dear? It has been so long since we’ve talked. I must say I’ve missed seeing you at the family cocktail-”

“Pardon, but this is not General Kenobi,” interjected Lupin, who had quickly figured out which end the voice came out of and which end he should speak in to.

“Oh? Then who might you be? Speak up, speak up!”

“Remus Lupin, ma’am. I’m a friend of-”

“A friend? I do hope you not one of those unsavory types she insists on associating with. Just like her father, that way. Thieves, bandits, criminals, and the like. Though they are great fun at parties. Are you great fun at parties, dear? I do hope so!”

“I…I’m…” Lupin felt a headache coming on.

“Oh, doesn’t matter, dear. You’re, of course, invited. Now, where is my darling daughter? I need to speak with her!”

“But...I...she’s not available,” said Lupin, helplessly. Hadn’t he said this?

“Not available? But it’s most important!”

“I’m sorry, but...”

“Now, please, be a good man, and go fetch her.”

“Ma’am, as I was saying…”

In the background, Lupin could hear a man’s voice: “Dear, our guests are getting very thirsty...” Then, more loudly, Judy’s mother’s voice: “One moment, Nicky, I’m trying to reach Judy … Don’t you dare start drinking without me! … What? No, I’m having the scotch… You put that down! That’s mine! Oh!” — an affronted tone — “Well, now you owe me two drinks…No, make that three! Nicky!”

Lupin decided the woman had forgotten about him and he really didn’t want to try to explain yet *again* that Judy was …er…unavailable. He quickly placed the phone handle thing down on the bar, hoping it would hang itself up. Just then, a shout came from the handle, “Young man! Hellooo? Hellooo?”

Deciding it would be wiser not to continue this “conversation” — especially as his head was pounding now — he pointed his wand at the phone and with a quick incantation transfigured it into a metal teapot. He sighed with relief and went back to carefully stacking the coasters in their specially designed wrought iron holders. Suddenly, a high-pitched “Helloooo?” emanated from the teapot’s spout. Jumping into a defensive crouch, Lupin didn’t hesitate as he AK’d the teapot out of existence. He pulled some chocolate out of his pocket and bit off a large piece, hoping it would stave off any nightmares of evil Muggle phones and mothers who just wouldn’t *shut up*.

Of course, now he had to explain what happened to the Pub phone once Judy came to. Lupin winced. Maybe he’d better just stay in the Clinic for awhile…he’d be safer that way.

~*~

Tavington glared with contempt at the Dean’s desk phone as it rang yet again. Cal had recently stumbled into the Dean’s office to report that Laure’s mother had called every phone in the Administration building in search of her daughter. But Tav had no intention of answering the phone. If two people wanted to speak, they should have the good sense to do so face-to-face. And if someone wanted to speak long distance, they should have the good sense to do so via the electronic postage he’d become familiar with in the course of verifying the authenticity of bayonets on EBay.

As the phone mercifully silenced, he glanced over at Emmy, who was snoozing quite comfortably on the large sofa at the far end of her office under the bank of windows. He felt some responsibility to keep an eye on her given that he hadn’t actually noticed her sudden drop to the floor hours prior since he’d been somewhat distracted by World of Warcraft at her desk (with her permission, of course) while she baited the Death Eater as she sorted through her daily deliveries. Tav had to admit, for a woman, she employed impressive subordinate management tactics.

It hadn’t actually been until Malfoy left his station that Tav had looked up to discover the Dean in a heap on the floor.

Given his lack of attention to her condition – combined with the fact that Malfoy had apparently just stepped over her when he left without alerting Tav to the situation – he felt a certain responsibility to keep her comfortable until a decision could be made as to how to proceed.

A decision he was happy to leave to the General and the Emperor since Xanatos had just challenged him to WoW battle.

Just as Tav was about to select his weapon, Emmy’s Blackberry began to chirp, illuminate, and bounce across the desktop. He glanced at it but waited for the ruckus to cease. He had no intention of talking on that contraption either.

A short while later, the device emitted a beep.

Tav looked back to the computer screen. Perhaps a battle axe and a broadsword would be the correct choice.

Beep!

Although Tav was partial to the flamethrower simply because he’d never seen such a weapon in his day.

Beep!

Tav sighed. He’d been around the Dean enough to know that the infernal thing would not stop beeping until he acknowledged its message. He picked it up and stared at the numerous buttons, trying to determine which would make it happy.

Beep!

He decided to go with the green button. Tav smiled at his own genius when the screen revealed one of those electronic posts he was so fond of.

Tav’s brow furrowed as re-read the message. Emmy’s mother had warned of bombings and decapitation in Paris. It certainly was not an uncommon occurrence in that abominable city, but what was this Hermes? And apparently he had only until tomorrow to figure this out.

He looked over at Emmy with renewed concern. Clearly, she was in some sort of danger beyond missing her daily shopping and margaritas. Why else would her mother have alerted her to be on guard?

Tav felt that some response was appropriate to allay her mother’s concern. He removed the stylus from the Blackberry as he’d seen Emmy do on numerous occasions, and he clicked reply.

Tav gave himself a nod for his resourcefulness and was about to alert the General, the Other General, and the Emperor to this threat of attack when, suddenly, Xanatos’ avatar struck him with a mace. Tav lunged for the keyboard to retrieve his broadsword and axe without delay.

~*~

At sunset, after a long day of phone calls and emails, the men convened a meeting. As the Nurse had left her laptop at Hogwarts and since the HSU IT department had an ample supply of “borrowed” company laptops (Vito had been able to supply them for a very reasonable price), it was possible for Darry’s two teenagers to videoconference with the resident men. Sirius was in charge of the computer at the HSU end.

They chose to hold the meeting in the most appropriate room on campus.

Kenobi poured himself a pint. “Have you tried chocolate?”

“We’ve tried chocolate.” Remus answered.

“Have you tried shoes?” Qui-Gon asked.

“We’ve tried shoes.” Cic sighed wearily and rubbed his temples. “All of them.”

Logan made a suggestion. “How about slapping them? Has anyone tried that?”

“Please don’t feel obliged to contribute to this discussion,” Indy groaned.

Logan wasn’t impressed with letters after anyone’s name. “Hey, it’s just a suggestion. Don’t get all professor-y on me.”

“Some of us are professors,” Remus explained.

Snape snorted, but said nothing.

Lucius, who had refused to panic said “Am I the only one here who does not see this as a problem?”

“No,” said Xani, who quickly received a sharp elbow to the ribs. “I mean, yes.”

“What were they all doing when this happened?” Hicks asked. “Maybe there’s some connection.”

“Jael and I were playing,” Bond said, making his start on the Nurse’s vodka.

“He means they were hurling weapons at each other,” Max clarified.

Prince Caspian looked up from his fancy umbrella drink. “I was on my way to meet Kendra and read over some inventory.”

“Riiiggghhht,” Sawyer smirked.

“She likes to listen.” Caspian clarified.

“Don’t they all,” deadpanned Han.

“The Dean was working on the new university prospectus,” Tav said, accepting a glass of whiskey from the General.

“She was not.” Lucius countered, looking sour. “She was shopping.”

“Yes, whatever,” snarled Worf, already irritated by his fellow EA.

“Judith and I were…having an ‘Appointment’.” The General said, blushing slightly.

The men shifted around uncomfortably and tried not to look at each other. A fit of sniggering came from the laptop in front of Sirius.

“Quiet, you two!” Snape bellowed. “Thirty points from Gryffindor.”

“Hey!” An indignant voice called out from the computer.

“All right, I think we can safely assume the women were engaged in different activities,” Palpatine stated, the previous subject being summarily dropped. “What can be deduced from that?”

“Er…nothing?” LP said helpfully, not about to divulge anything about what the Librarian was doing. Part of him had a sneaking feeling this had been her fault. Xani felt the same way, although without the sneaking. He was sure it was her fault.

“So, if it wasn’t something coordinated, it must have been something random,” Connor announced, businesslike. “Perhaps an attack?”

“Will you give it a rest with your ‘attacks’, mate?” Jack slurred, already through a third of a bottle of Bacardi. His palate wasn’t used to such luxury.

“Yes,” Norrington concurred, taking the bottle away from Jack and pouring himself a healthy measure. “I don’t recall seeing any battleships, spaceships, spiders, monsters or Princesses coming at us en masse.”

“Nobody bloody asked you, mate,” sniped Spike, feet on the table, idly picking at a coaster with a vicious-looking fingernail.

“Should we not consider what we are to do now? This place does not run itself!” Commo was concerned about how long it would before his next game of golf and private moment with his Wo.

“I think you’ll find it probably does. Laure sits at her desk a lot but when have you seen her actually work?” Guy pointed out.

“Darry does some filing,” Cedric said meekly.

“Oh yeah?” Xani scoffed. “And what exactly is she filing? Her nails?”

“Er…Quidditch equipment mostly.” Cedric admitted.

More sniggering from the laptop and from the Bulgarian at the next table. “Yes,” Viktor intoned. “Ellie do the ‘filing’ with me, too.”

Way more sniggering.

“Shut up all of you!” Snape growled to the room at large.

“So, we can concur that HSU isn’t going to go to hell in a hand-basket without the women in their respective offices. What about the mothers?” Indiana moved the discussion forward.

There was a collective groan.

“We sure as shit can’t tell them the truth.” Sawyer warned. “They’d all be here in a second!”

“Language!” Qui-Gon said reproachfully. “There are children present.”

“Oi, fuck off, Beardy!” All eyes turned toward the laptop.

“Draco!” Lucius shouted at his virtual son.

“I am not a child!”

“I was talking about Cara,” Qui-Gon held the little girl up to the digital camera.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Five, points from Slytherin,” intoned Snape.

“Five?!” Another protest from the Boy Who Lived.

“Can we please get back to the business at hand?” Hicks frowned. He was getting annoyed. Normally his meetings were a little less haphazard. In fact, they were also usually a little more strategic, thought-out and efficient. But those qualities, it seemed, were not part of the HSU ethos.

Palpatine held up the card from the Nurse’s Roledex. “While it may not be possible to determine the cause of this unfortunate incident, I may have a solution to it.”

“Outstanding,” Hicks breathed a sigh of relief for level-headedness.

“Does it involve a quest?” Legolas was keen to get going.

Hicks frowned again. So much for level heads prevailing.

“It would mean travelling to a strange and far-off place.” Palpatine said. “We would need to send a…delegation, as it were…to…”

“Name this place and our worthy foe!” Worf went into Klingon-Warrior mode. Maybe an away-mission involving a battle with an honourable enemy would be a nice change of pace.

Aragorn, too, was in his element. “Must we travel into the far reaches of Middle Earth, fighting the most foul of evil and facing danger at every turn?”

“In a manner of speaking…” Palpatine said.

“Where?!” everyone veritably shouted at the Senator.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Han and Indy at the same time.

Palpatine took one last glance at the card and then back to his audience. “Target.”

~*~

The men had decided that each woman should have a representative find her Grail object. And the group also decided that those representatives should not make complete tits out of themselves in the process of procuring said objects. That meant the men would need to reasonably fit in with regular society. Or as regular as the society was at Target and on the road to and from it.

Although there were a few complaints (mostly from Lucius), and disagreements (mostly from Commo), and even one usurpation (all from Aragorn), the group might have, on a good day – meaning one in which all of the other patrons of Target were deaf and blind- passed as everyday shoppers.

Palpatine glanced down at the bizarre yet very important papers in his powerful hand. “I’ve been through the medical databases and have compiled the following list. Each of your women requires something from this place-”

“So you think,” qualified Snape.

“So I think,” The Senator admitted, handing out the prescriptions. “It’s my opinion that once these items have been purchased and brought to them, the women should regain consciousness.”

“Are you saying that all of the love, concern, and tenderness I could possibly express to Delphi wouldn’t have the same restorative effect as that of…” Worf looked down at his Wo’s paper “…a fondue set?”

“Er…no.” Palpatine said, almost embarrassed.

“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” grumbled Lucius, sotto voce, trying to ignore Worf who was thrusting the paper at him.

Aragorn was up to the task. “What must I purchase for my lovely Laure? Such a woman would no doubt want a talisman of inordinate power and beauty, a gift of such raw and unearthly design as to-”

“She wants fluffy bunny slippers,” Sawyer looked at Laure’s Grail item.

There was a pause.

“I was going to say that next.” Aragorn grabbed the paper a little more forcefully than was necessary from Sawyer’s hand.

One by one, the Fellowship of Target received their orders. Shortly afterward, an uncomfortable silence ensued, which, in most movies, would have been taken up with well-wishing and hearty slaps on the back, but in this case was just filled by the beeping of Darry’s mobile phone and the receipt of an X-rated text message by one of her EAs from another.

~*~

Bond sneered, his inner aesthete immensely offended. “I cannot believe this is the only car we have.”

Lupin, as was his wont, remained practical. “It isn’t, but only you and Logan are actually legal to drive. We can’t all fit into your car, Bond. And we can’t take Pelham's because of that clamp thing Dor put on it.”

“Tav and I could take Cic’s harse,” LP suggested helpfully.

Will piped up. “I can ride, too.”

“Dande has lots of harses. We could all take one,” King Mongkut was also aware his street cred might suffer a bit being seen climbing out of a battered RV.

Harry, like Logan, had lived on a budget in the Real World. “Guys, we are NOT riding horses to the shops.”

The Fellowship of Target once again regarded the Mutantmobile. But there will still some who were prepared to lose all to uphold an image.

“I refuse to get into this vehicle,” Lucius said flatly.

Moony was sick of this shit. “Give it a rest, you Pure Blood snob. Don’t you want Delphi to wake up?”

“Not particularly.”

Lupin reminded the Dean’s PA the way this world worked. “She’s your sponsor. You lose her and Darry’s guard will happily escort you to another place of residence.”

“New Caprica?” Pelham asked. (LP watched an awful lot of telly.)

The Death Eater scowled. “No.”

Logan, like most men, was led around by more than just his image. “Zip it and get in. I don’t care about your love life, Hippie, but I want Ellie awake. At least for a few hours a day.”

“Yes, I miss Kendra, too.” Will was not going to be quite as crass about his needs but also wanted to make it clear that there were worse things than travelling around in a dirty dented heap with rusting Alberta plates.

~*~

After five more minutes of this, all of the men were aboard but not seated and still arguing. Logan was beyond caring and just floored it. The EAs in the back, which was everyone but Logan and Aragorn (who’d called shotgun), went tumbling into a heap of arms, legs, hair, and egos.

“SIT DOWN, EVERYONE!” Aragorn shouted over his shoulder.

~*~

As soon as the car left the HSU gates, it began…

“Are we there yet?”

“I am not sitting next to HIM.”

“Shut up.”

“Or him.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Quiet!”

“And I am most definitely not sitting next to him!”

“I’ll do it! I swear I will!”

“You go ahead and try. It doesn’t work; I tried to AK the Dean again only just yesterday.”

“I think I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Well, why the hell didn’t you go before we left?”

“I didn’t need to go then!”

“Are we there yet?”

Logan angrily turned a corner and everyone in the rear careened into a heap again.

~*~

At long last, the SuperTarget hove into view. At that point no one felt like arguing with Logan as swerved into a parking spot reserved for families with children.

Aragorn turned to the troops, again in a heap in the rear. “Now look, I want you all to be very careful. Many customs will doubtless take us by surprise.”

Logan exhaled. “That’s a big duh.”

Aragorn ignored him and continued “This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture.”

Lucius had extricated himself from the throng and was brushing down his robes. "And exactly how would you know any of this?”

Aragorn addressed the Colonel at Arms. “Tavington, please issue a weapon to anyone who isn’t already armed.”

Harry scoffed, eying Malfoy warily but speaking to Aragorn. “You can’t go walking around a shop with knives and guns.”

Logan laughed. “Oh yeah?”

*snict*

Bond concurred. “Silly boy. You have a lot to learn about shopping.”

“Indeed,” Mongkut agreed looking Harry up and down. He shared a knowing look with Pelham.

“I don’t know why you’re having a go at me; I’m the only one who looks normal!” Harry exclaimed.

“I look normal!” Will shouted back.

“Oh yeah? How many people do you know who walk around in flouncy shirts and pirate boots?” Harry countered.

“Lots of people!”

“I don’t doubt it,” said Lupin quietly.

Aragorn cut in before there was more of a delay. “All right! Then just keep any weapons hidden.”

Tavington added “Oh yes, anyone in uniform, get rid of your rank insignia.”

Lucius snorted at him. “You’re the only one in uniform, you imbecile!”

Aragorn quickly cut in to avoid another altercation. “All right, let’s do our job and get out of here. Our own world is waiting for us to save it if we can.”

“Yeah, whatever. I just want to hurry up and get laid.” Logan wasn’t wasting any more time.

The doors of the RV opened followed by the hurried disembarkation of the assembled troops, most of them coughing, and a large plume of cigar smoke.

~*~

Aragorn felt obliged to give one last piece of advice regarding the RV. “Everyone remember where we parked.”

Bond was not amused. “Will you shut up already?” he said. “It’s not like we’re going to miss this piece of rubbish when we get back out to the carpark.”

As they reached the entrance, those EAs who hadn’t been out in the big bad world of the 21st century suddenly felt a bit less cocky than they would behind the safe walls (or what passed as walls) of HSU.

King Mongkut looked up at the forbidding red sign and mass of shopping trolleys guarding the glass door. “Do we stay together as a group or split up?” he asked.

Aragorn started to say “I think we-”

Tavington interrupted him. “No one cares what you think, Ranger.”

The huge doors swooshed open as a father with four very loud children came out parting the Fellowship in two like the Red Sea. The brief glimpse into the cavernous shop combined with the realisation that the place was full of people like the family that had just passed made the group pause collectively.

LP made suggestion. “Perhaps it’s best if we have a shopping partner…”

Unusually for the Fellowship, there was immediate agreement. It was decided that an EA who was at least relatively familiar with the current times and/or surroundings would be partnered with one who didn’t have a frakking clue.

~*~

It was agreed that they would all meet at checkout Number 1 in thirty minutes, so that King Mongkut could purchase all of the items. The shop was easy to navigate, so long as what you knew what you were looking for, so theoretically it should be feasible for the EAs to acquire their objects with little difficulty. (The operative words of course, being knew what you were looking for.)

“What is a fondue set?” Tavington asked Lucius as they stood looking up at the signs hanging over the aisles.

"I believe it has something to do with food. I daresay whatever it is will be labelled as such." The DE responded.

“I don’t see a sign saying ‘food’ up there. How about ‘dairy’? Or there’s another that says ‘bakery’," Tavington said helpfully.

“I can read, soldier. I don’t need your help.” Lucius was unimpressed.

“Colonel, you won’t find it in the food section of the shop. It’s not something you eat.” Harry informed the officer.

“And I certainly do not need your help. Nor do I want you…polluting my space,” Lucius all but spat at the Boy Who Lived.

“I’m not talking to you,” Harry said back, equally incensed. Tavington meanwhile, was now discussing wigs with LP and was paying absolutely no attention to the Wizard conversation.

Lucius continued his tantrum. “And speaking of not talking to me, I want that sentiment applied to all members of my family."

“Fine,” Harry said, sneering. “I have no problem not talking to anyone in your family. Draco and I don’t need to talk while we’re-”

Lucius made to grab his wand from his cane.

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” said Harry with a cautionary tone. “The store has policemen in it. Even if you can’t hurt me, they won’t take too kindly to you destroying property.”

Just then Harry’s mobile phone beeped. Pelham, standing behind the teenager, looked over Harry’s shoulder and read the tiny message. “Oh, look, whoever it is thinks you have a delicious-”

“C’mon, let’s go!” Harry grabbed LP’s arm and yanked him away just as Lucius aimed and fired, incinerating an attractive display of Hello Kitty Valentine’s Day gifts. Luckily, the glamour he’d hastily cast over himself and Tavington (there were sure to be questions if anyone saw their true forms) kept him from being immediately wrestled to the ground by the burly security team who rushed to the scene.

~*~

“Do you even know what you’re looking for?” Will asked.

“I think it’s a piece of athletic equipment.” Remus responded.

Will’s wire shopping basket was filled with every type of stapler and stapler accessory Target sold. Luckily, he’d had enough experience with his Ho’s obsession that he could pretty much recognise what he was shopping for.

It wasn’t really a question of not recognising a baseball bat that Lupin was contending with. It was more a question of its function. He’d of course seen the one his Ho often brandished. But Lupin was a bit fuzzy on any other uses a bat might have besides keeping people from fighting, setting the Pub alight or leaving the place with a coaster. Although Remus had grown up in the modern Wizarding world, he’d never really spent much time in or studying the Muggle one. And of course, for several days a month, he didn’t spend much time as a Wizard and therefore had little need of baseball trivia.

“Is this it?” Will picked up a hockey stick. “No, that doesn’t look right, does it?” he said almost to himself.

“I’ve got an idea,” Lupin said. “Pretend I’m about to set a drink down on the bar without due care and attention.” He motioned doing just that. “What’s the first thing you’d go for?”

Will immediately reached for his sabre but finding it gone from his belt he quickly turned to a rack of long heavy cylindrical weapons and pulled out a winner. He made as if to take Lupin’s head off with it.

“That’s the one,” said the part-time lycanthrope.

~*~

“Watch and learn,” Bond said to Aragorn. “And don’t say anything.”

“I’ll have you know that I am perfectly capable of charming a woman.” The Ranger was not taken in by James’ act.

Really?”

“I have battled terrible evil, rescued mankind from an unspeakable future and won the hearts of the fairest women in the land.” Aragorn proudly said.

Bond was singularly unimpressed. “Yet, strangely, you seem unfamiliar with the concept of bathing.”

Aragorn reached for his sword which he’d been forced to leave in the RV. Luckily, the saleswoman whom Bond had charmed into going into Target’s enormous back storeroom was now striding over with the item he needed.

“I think your girlfriend will really like this,” she said handing over the bright pink trench coat. “Can I help you find anything else?”

“We need some…rabbit, no, hare, no…Bond, what are these?” Aragorn pulled out the paper Palpatine had given him and showed it to the Englishman.

“Ah, yes. My colleague here was wondering if you could help him find a pair of fluffy bunny slippers.”

“Oh, that’s SO cute!” The sales assistant cried. Then she giggled coyly. “You’ll find them in lingerie.” She pointed toward the underwear.

“C’mon,” said Bond to the Ranger. “You’ll like this.”

~*~

“How much longer are you going to be?” Logan asked as he turned the magazine he was looking at around 90 degrees. King Mongkut was still standing in the makeup aisle pulling out random lipsticks and twisting them up and down as if hypnotised.

“I am unsure as to the colour I am supposed to purchase. They all appear red to me.”

“Hurry up, man.” Logan said.

His Alpha tolerance for girlie shopping having long ago expired, Mongkut pulled one of every colour of lippy from the rack and dumped them all in the basket.

~*~

“Could she not have chosen something a little less awkward?” LP complained some more as he and Harry man-handled the filing cabinet toward the check-out.

“I could shrink it I suppose, but then the security people might see that on camera. C’mon, there’s not much further to go.”

“I really detest this sort of manual type of activity,” LP stated.

“You might find it easier if you stopped trying to hold my hand and carry this thing at the same time.” Harry replied.

“Ah, yes, forgive me.” Pelham moved his hand away.

Harry’s phone beeped at him. He ignored it for the moment.

~*~

The Fellowship met again at the checkout. It was for hand baskets only, but the check-out clerk decided to let them all go through the line. For some reason these customers looked vaguely familiar and she was keen to discover if they were famous by making small talk. They were keen to do anything but.

The Nintendo took the longest to put through the check-out due to the intricate anti-theft measures attached to it. Lucius offered to help Tavington speed up the process by magically removing any security tags and indeed the check-out clerk’s head, but at last the little item was scanned along with everything else. Which was good, because as it was, Logan was already half-way through Ellie’s two-litre bottle of Mountain Dew.

Will leafed through the collection of magazines the mutant had bought. “How come this one has nekkid women in it?”

“That one’s for me, Pirate, give it back.”

“I get it next,” said Lupin. After all, his Ho was Grateful.

There was a bit of a delay whilst the confusion over the bill was dealt with. It turned out that Target wouldn’t take the pile of gold Mongkut had tried to give the checkout girl. She had, however, happily accepted the credit card Bond handed over and the Fellowship charged the entire expedition to HRH the Queen.

And true enough, the men indeed had no trouble finding their ride in the parking lot. Other patrons had evidently given it a wide berth in case its grubbiness might somehow osmotically pass to their own vehicles.

The EAs all reluctantly climbed back in. Harry had shrunk the filing cabinet once out of the store. He sat down, quietly removed LP’s hand from his knee and pulled out his phone.

“Oh look,” LP leaned over and read from the mobile’s little screen. “Whoever it is wants to *censored* you *censored* until you *censored* all over his *censored*.”

Lucius lunged.

With a screech, the Mutantmobile peeled out of the parking lot and turned toward home.

~*~

Indy rattled a packet of Junior Mints next to Ellie’s head. “Look what we’ve got for you, Ellie.” He willed her to regain consciousness.

From beside him, Han said “How can anyone want to read this crap?” Although he kept turning the pages of In Touch magazine, too absorbed to put it down.

*

Laure wiggled her toes. She blearily regarded the fluffy bunny slippers adorning her dainty feet.

Commo’s solicitous voice was even more solicitous. “Beloved? Are you back with us?”

*

Darry was being propped up against her new filing cabinet. The circle of EAs watched her as her chest rose and fell more quickly.

“Please Darry…come back to us,” pleaded Cic with a desperate look on his face. “We don’t want to have to talk to your mother again.”

*

“Kennnndra, there’s one with glitter here. There’s one with little hearts on it. Oh look, who knew they made a Lord of the Rings stapler!” Kendra’s Elf scowled at the thing.

*

“Here!” Lucius dropped the box containing the fondue set next to Delphi’s bed and sat down in a chair, looking pissed off. Worf ignored the Wizard and looked at the box.

“Delphi,” the Klingon said. “Your cheese bowl is here. And it even comes with little weapons.”

*

“Darling, you look ravishing.” Bond eyed the trench coat he’d helped Max put onto Jael. “The colour suits you. Now wake up so we can all fight.”

Hicks pumped his rifle. Jael’s eyelids fluttered.

*

“Dande? Puff? Cara’s helped me to put on your- your-”

“It’s lipstick, Daddy.”

“Lipstick.”

“And we think you should have a look at yourself in this mirror.” Cara held up a mirror for her mother to admire her daughter’s handiwork.

Dande, eyes still closed, wafted a hand through her tresses and smiled.

*

“Here, have some of this.” Xani poured some Makers Mark from the flask into Dor’s open mouth. Her EAs had turned her onto her back and she’d been snoring for the last five minutes. Now she choked and spluttered and all three EAs attempted to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation.

*

“This is extraordinary,” Tavington said to the large black dog sitting next to the not-so-large black dog in the Dean’s office. “It makes the most fantastic noises and shows the most amazing pictures.”

“That’s…mine…” The Dean said wearily.

Tavington took almost no notice. “Yes, yes, in a moment.”

*

“Judith, look at what Remus has brought you.” The General had stopped by each of his Ho’s/Wo’s rooms and was now sitting with Judy in the Pub. “It’s long and hard and I bet you could break bones with it.”

Judy sputtered and tried to sit up.

~*~

Epilogue

“So, does anyone know what it was that caused this?” Emmy said around a mouthful of taco.

“I blame the Nurse,” said Dor, stuffing her face with more tortilla chips.

“You can bugger off,” said the Nurse, not looking up from her mobile phone. “Hey Laure, did you know that Target sells Cliff Notes to Snape’s Potion’s class? Don’t tell him.”

Laure helped herself to more guacamole. “I’m not saying anything. I’d rather he gave up teaching at that damned place altogether and spend more time here.”

Ellie took a grateful puff on her Marlborough. "I’m just glad the boys made it back alive. Target can be a dangerous place without any training in shopping."

“From what I hear they did okay. Only one fire and no arrests,” said Jael, slamming down another shot of tequila. “Too bad, really.”

Delphi thoughtfully sipped her margarita. “It took me twenty minutes to explain to mine what a fondue set actually was!”

“We really should thank them, I suppose. Throw them a party or pin a medal on them or something.” Kendra was all for another chance to get her hands on her Elf.

“Or something,” Judy said and then laughed. “Who’s for another blenderful?”

“We’ll make sure we reward our men later,” Dande said somewhat dreamily. “Right now it’s all about us.”

The End