Title: Love is in the Air
Author: Emmy
Rating: V for Valentine's
Disclaimer: God knows I don't own any of these people. And a great misfortune that is.

Lucius refused to look up as he saw Lasher approach in his peripheral vision. While he had figured out some time previously - likely after Delphi fell over laughing once too many times - that this canine was not actually Sirius Black, Lucius had no affection for dogs of any sort.

What did catch the DE's attention was that Lasher began to growl. Not the sort of playful, squeaky cat toy growl he'd become accustomed to. No, this was more the sort of growl that might emanate from a creature about to eat one's face off.

Lucius' gaze slid to Lasher, who seemed to have grown remarkably since the last time Lucius had bothered to look at him. The only other thing he had time to notice was the dog suddenly launching from the floor, over his plywood and wire basket desk, and directly for his face.

~*~

"Poppet?" Tavington called from his position in the GDC, boots propped up on the Dean's desk.

"Yeah?" Emmy was comfortably ensconced on the large sofa in her office with the new French Vogue. She didn't even mind that Tav had not yet released her Nintendo D/S since the combination of medications of questionable origin and certain favors bestowed upon him that the Dean would not readily admit to in public had now made him prone to uncharacteristic terms of endearment. It was a new and welcome experience for her considering the other names people called her.

"I believe that Lasher is chewing on Lucius," Tavington said, not looking up from his game of Super Mario Brothers.

Lasher, hearing his name taken in vain, immediately sprung up from his spot on the floor next to his mommy, a standard canine look of "I didn't do it!" on his face.

"Tav, he's right here," Emmy said, patting Lasher's head.

Tavington raised a half-curious eyebrow. "Well, someone is chewing on him."

"Oh shit!" Emmy suddenly shot off the sofa as realization hit her. "Why didn't you DO something?" she charged as she ran to the door.

"I did, darling," Tav said. "I just told you."

Emmy gasped at the sight before her, visions of a full internet blackout clouding her head. "NO!" she yelled running forward. "Bad dog!" She tried to grab the great beast around the neck and pull him off, but it was having a real go at Lucius' fine waistcoat.

Lucius growled almost as loudly as the beast, beating at its head. "I will kill this mongrel!"

Emmy quickly reached for the pocket-sized bottle of bitter apple spray and shot it all over the dog's snout. "Off! Bad dog!"

"What are you doing?" Lucius spat, the sharp, sour aroma making his eyes water and filling him with dread as it absorbed well into his shirt.

In a blur, the canine whined and jumped off Lucius, sneezing and rubbing its nose on the floor and then rising up on its hind legs.

Emmy bit her lip with concern for her internet access as she looked down at Lucius. "He didn't break the skin, did he?"

"Get off," Lucius sneered, shooing her away as he scrambled to his feet.

"What is HE doing here?"

"BLACK!"

"Okay, TIME OUT!" the Dean yelled, waving her arms around and looking toward Tav for any possible assistance, and then she rolled her eyes as she saw her Dragoon's upper body twitching with the force of pushing + and - buttons.

"You!" Emmy yelled, pointing at Lucius. "Put the wand away!"

"I will not."

"You have a DEATH EATER here?" Sirius yelled before he started making terrible yucky faces as the bitter apple spray re-introduced itself to his tongue.

Emmy stepped between the irate Wizards - never a smart thing to do - and faced Sirius. "He's a retired Death Eater, actually." She put her hand on his forearm and tried to push t. "Put the wand down."

"I will not!" Sirius objected.

Emmy sighed. "Really, you both have more in common than not," she grumbled.

"What is the situation?" said Worf, having suddenly appeared in the doorway after responding to the alarm triggered by a disturbance of the sensors Delphi had sewn into Lucius' clothing.

"Oh geeezus," Emmy sighed.

"Everyone just stop what you're doing!" yelled Delphi, who ran in quickly after Worf, knowing full well the difficulties her EA's had getting along and not entirely convinced it hadn't been Worf who'd triggered the alarm in the first place. Then she briefly cased out the room. "Oh look, Sirius is here," she said pleasantly. "Helloooo."

Sirius gave her a little wave, expression of vague confusion on his face.

"This beast attacked me," Lucius said.

"Errr, which beast would that be?" Delphi asked, looking from the Dean to Worf to Sirius.

"The Muggle lover," Lucius said.

Delphi sighed. "Again.which?" she asked with some annoyance, holding up her hands.

"I attacked him," Sirius said. "The filthy Death Eater deserves worse."

"Oh, he's retired, actually," Delphi explained helpfully.

Sirius appeared completely exasperated. "He's a Death Eater!"

"Uh-huh, yeah," Delphi said, nodding her head.

"They don't retire!" Sirius sputtered.

"Oh, sure they do," Delphi said matter-of-factly. "We've also got-"

"Delphi, thanks so much for coming!" Emmy said in an unnaturally high-pitched tone. "So good to see you!"

Delphi gave the Dean a curious look until the lightbulb went on. "Oh, right!" she said. "Ixnay on the Napesay!"

"Uh-huh," Emmy replied, fakey grin on her face as she nodded.

"Alright you two, let's go," Delphi said, pointing at her EA's and jerking her thumbs over her shoulders toward the door.

"But this situation is not yet contained," Worf complained. It had been a long time since he'd really be allowed to lay the smackdown on a scene of unrest.

"I have something you can contain back in the Server Room," Delphi said, turning around and walking out the door, her EA's unable to protest that instruction as they quickly followed her out.

"Would you care to explain?" Sirius said to Emmy.

The Dean gave the Marauder an incredulous look. "Mm, no." Then she glanced at the door where the Nurse stood with a bag of microwave popcorn. "What do you want?"

"Uh, just came for the Maurauder-Death Eater posturing," Darry said, munching on a handful of popcorn. She looked around the room. "No?" she said with obvious disappointed.

"They haven't quite evolved to posturing yet," Emmy said.

"Ah," Darry said. "Call me when they do."

Sirius watched the Nurse's casual departure and then turned to the Dean with a look of bamboozlement.

"It's better than being dead, right?" Emmy offered.

Sirius didn't quite have a committed response to that.

Emmy patted his cheek. "Just go bathe," she said, turning on her heel. "I'll be in the pub. That hair better be clean when I get back."

Sirius pouted. It was time to find Remus. As he took a step forward, Emmy turned around midway down the hall.

"Bath," she said. "Or shower. Soap required."

His shoulders slumped, and he turned around toward her office and made his way into her flat, Tav not even giving him a glance as he passed.

~*~

Ellie grinned with anticipation as she opened the Valentine's card from Han. While no mushy person herself, she was pleased nevertheless that he'd gone to the trouble.

"You stole my heart, and I'm okay with that," the card said on the front.

"Aww," Ellie said, and then she opened it to read the inside.

"But don't go gettin' any ideas about my kidneys."

Ellie laughed. "Aw, that's so sweet, Han!"

Han shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, well," he said before breaking into a proud smirk.

"What, he gives you a stupid piece of recycled paper, and all of a sudden he's a hero?" Logan groused before puffing smoke in Han's direction.

"Well, what did you get me?" Ellie said, dubious expression on her face.

"It's right there, baby," Logan said, pointing to his jeans.

"That'll do," Ellie said with an evil look in her eye. "For now," she added with a vague hint of a threat.

~*~

"My dearest flower, by the hour," Commo said, reading aloud the poem he was trying to craft for his beloved.

Snape only snorted and turned back to The Daily Prophet, giving it a good shake until he caused the photograph of The Boy Who Lived to tumble to the bottom of the sports page.

"My most beautiful sweet, you're such a.a.treat!" Commo looked terribly pleased with himself. "Such a treat, yes, that's wonderful."

"All for you, through this and that, I'm such a.a.."

"Prat," Spike offered.

"Oh yes, that's a good rhyme!" Commo said, jotting it down. "What does it mean?"

"It means you're a real hero, mate," Spike said with a smirk.

"Excellent," Commo said. "I am grateful to you, soulless demon."

Spike gave Commo a two-fingered salute and then looked around for something with which to cause trouble.

~*~

"Explain this to me again."

Remus shook his head with a laugh, knowing full well that his friend would never truly understand his situation in the course of one pint of ale in the pub. "Let me put it this way, it's better than being dead."

"Moony, that's what she said."

"I'm sorry, but it's the truth," Remus paused and took a swig of his ale. "At least most of the time."

"But Death Eaters! Snivellus, too!"

"Calm down," Remus said. "They can't do anything here besides stick people to floors and such."

Sirius rubbed his forehead, his elbow resting against the bar. Suddenly, he jumped as an arm came around him from behind and a very female face quickly pressed against his neck.

"Yep, passed the soap check," Emmy said nonchalantly. "Good boy." She stepped away from him and reached for the margarita Judy had waiting for her. "Make sure he eats something fattening, okay?" she added before walking away from the bar.

Sirius blinked with surprise at the sudden rush that came with female attention and that accompanying pleasant scent they all possessed.

"You see?" Remus said with an encouraging nod.

"Yeah, and the good news is," Kendra suddenly interjected, having been listening to the entire exchange from her lime slicing station behind the bar, "is that you never had a wife that she has to make you for-OW!!" Kendra yelled, bending down to grab her stomped upon foot.

"Anything else for anyone?" Judy asked a little more loudly than was necessary.

Remus had a concerned look on his face as a vague but fleeting memory passed through his mind.

"Chocolate martini?" Judy asked/ordered, shoving the glass in his face.

~*~

"Right, so you just get your footing," Cedric said bouncing up and down slightly to show the Nurse how to prepare her knees for takeoff.

"Okay," Darry said, grasping the Firebolt the way he'd shown her.

"No, not like that," the Boy Who Lived interjected. "Put your hands here."

"No," Cedric said. "She'll have better steering control if she puts them here."

"Bollocks!" Harry said. "Maybe if she were as tall as you, but-"

"If she puts her hands there, she'll go nose-down as soon as she gets any air!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Fuck," Darry muttered under her breath, taking a good leap for it and then holding on for dear life as the Firebolt rocketed into the sky.

Cedric and Harry took off after her, having both suddenly recalled they hadn't shown her how to avoid the fountains that were just preparing to erupt on the upbeat of Shirley Bassey bellowing Big Spender.

~*~

The Dean returned to her office with a slight margarita buzz. (Not that there was any other condition she might be in at that time of the afternoon.) She found Sirius in her GDC and Tav standing behind the chair.

"What are you doing?" the Dean asked, eyeing them both with due suspicion.

Tav and Sirius exchanged looks. "The Colonel here was just showing me how computers work."

"Yes," Tav agreed a little too quickly as he bent down and minimized the World of Warcraft window when Emmy made her way toward them.

"Doesn't even know how to use electronic posts, if you can imagine that," Tav said with an amused scoff.

"Remarkable machine," Sirius added, eyes brighter than necessary.

"Much cleaner than owling, I should think."

"Oh yes, yes," Tav replied oh-so-agreeably.

Emmy gave them both a glare. She could see she would be forced to purchase laptops for the both of them. "You have a message from Xani," she said with an arch of her eyebrow.

Dragoon and Marauder turned toward the screen to see Xani's avatar having popped up swirling a mace over his head. Then they both looked at Emmy.

The Dean sighed, "Fine, whatever," she said with a flap of her hand. She turned to let them have their fun - it was better than them trying to kill each other, after all - and came to dead halt when she saw what was hanging on the opposite wall. "What is that?" She turned immediately back to Sirius.

He glanced over to where she was pointing. "Oh, it's a Kylie Minogue calendar."

"Yes, I can see that," Emmy said.

"Then why did you ask?" Sirius replied, eyes scanning the monitor for the perfect weapon.

"What is it doing on my wall?"

"Oh, I quite fancy that one," Sirius said.

Emmy put her hands on her hips, unclear if he was talking about Kylie or a weapon. In either case, she wasn't having it.

Tavington, who knew better, backed up slightly.

"Oi, Black," Emmy said.

"Hmm?" he asked, somewhat distractedly.

"Get it off my wall."

Sirius finally turned to look at her. "Why?"

Tavington, wisely noting the look on the Dean's face, stepped aside.

"Look at the time. I am unforgivably late for my shift at the Vet Clinic." And with that, he was gone.

"Why?" Emmy said. "Because this is MY office, that's why."

Sirius shrugged after Xani quickly disposed of his avatar's body. It was obviously going to take him a little time to accustom himself to this Muggle game. "Alright then, but it really bothers Mother, so it's all in good fun."

"Your mother isn't here," Emmy said.

"Sure, she is," Sirius said, pointing toward the corner.

Emmy gasped, and turned, nearly toppling over in her Dior slingbacks. "There's no one here."

Sirius moved past her and over to the corner. "Here," he said, lifting up the tapestry.

"FILTHY MUGGLE WHORE!"

"Oops, sorry about that," Sirius said, quickly lowering the tapestry til the insults quieted to a dull murmur.

Emmy gaped. Then she blinked.

"My things arrived today," Sirius said.

"I see that, yes," Emmy said. "She can't stay here."

"Agreed," Sirius said, sounding rather relieved. "I just didn't know where to put her."

"Cal's shack," Emmy said pinching the bridge of her nose. "Or Xani, whatever." She walked toward the entrance of her flat and then stopped. "What is that smell?"

Sirius appeared somewhat apologetic. "That would be Kreacher hiding behind Mother."

"Kreacher hates filthy Muggle whore," the elf mumbled behind the portrait.

"KREACHER!" Sirius barked. Then he shrugged at the Dean. "I don't really want him either."

"Send him to the Nurse."

"Fair enough."

Emmy pointed to the calendar. "That goes."

Sirius approached with a bit of caution. "Here's the thing."

"If you say sticking charm, I will throw this stinking elf at you."

Sirius blinked. "I used a sticking cha-" his words were cut off by his sudden transformation to his canine form. After seeing her interaction with Lasher, he knew she couldn't possibly throw anything at a dog. For added effect, he tried to make big puppy eyes at her, too.

Emmy huffed and stomped her foot. She reached into her pocket for the bitter apple spray, but found it was suddenly missing. "What was I thinking bringing you here?" she said with a sigh. She turned toward the door and opened it so she could at least enjoy her own Kylie-free space.

Except an angry Hippogriff lunged at her with a shriek when she entered her flat.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Sirius said, suddenly back in his human form as he jumped between her and Buckbeak. "I didn't know where else to put him for the time being. He was having a real go at the Colonel, and I figured that wouldn't end well." He patted Buckbeak's neck. "He's very sweet once you get to know him."

Emmy glared at him.

"But we should find a better home for him."

Emmy continued to glare at him.

"I!" Sirius said, raising his finger into the air like he'd been struck by a genius idea. "I should find a better home for him."

"Ya think?" Emmy said.

"Right, so.any suggestions?"

"What is that?" Emmy said, pointing to the mark on his chest thatshe'd previously mistaken for pre-bath dirt.

Sirius struggled to keep up with the Dean's train of thought. "Oh.that? That's just a tattoo."

"I don't like it."

"Ah.well.I have more, maybe you'd see one you like," he said, attempting to unbutton his shirt.

"Take this thing to Ellie!" Emmy yelled, pointing at Buckbeak but then quickly withdrawing her arm as the 'Griff tried to eat her hand.

Sirius paused mid-unbutton. He wondered if this was one of those times that didn't fall into Remus' definition of: Most of the time we're better off here than dead.

"And when you get back, you'll need another bath," she said, shimmying along the wall past Buckbeak and into her living room.

"But I just had a bath."

"If you're going to keep turning into a dog, you'll have to keep having a bath."

~*~

"Close your eyes."

"Okay okay."

"Are they closed?"

"Yes," Kendra laughed.

"Alright then," the Elf said, leading her down the path. "Watch your step."

Kendra just giggled, still not believing that not only had the Elf allowed himself to be caught, but he was actually playing a very intriguing game with her. She bounced with excitement as he stopped her and then stepped behind her, hands on her shoulders.

"Open your eyes."

Kendra squeaked and jumped up and down, clapping her hands as she saw the fountains that cascaded down the hillside deep within her Elf's woodland realm. He'd even gone to the trouble of importing some fairies to resemble glitter in the water's spray.

"Happy birthday," her Elf said with a grin as she continued to clap and giggle.

~*~

"Something good?" Judy asked leaning onto the bar as Remus was riveted to the book he was reading.

"Oh, just something I picked up from Target," he said. "Amazing what they have there."

"It's the promised land," Judy said, setting down the glass she was polishing. She lifted the cover of the book to find: The Secrets of DADA: My Life in Pictures, 2003 to Present Day by Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Huh," she said. "They had this at Target?"

Remus nodded. "It's quite common for Wizard publications to be sold in Muggle stores for extra profit. Always under the fantasy genre, of course. Muggles are easily swayed by that."

"Are we now?" Judy said, giving him a look.

"I meant, the average Muggle, of course," Remus quickly said. "Certainly you would be far above average in any-"

"You're busted. Just admit it, Moony," Judy said, going back to her glass.

Remus smiled in contrition. "Yes, I am." He nodded until Judy stopped giving him that look that emphasized how much he got served, and then he went back to his reading.

Judy placed the glass in its assigned location and then pondered how much chocolate she'd need for inventory with the General.

"That bloody idiot."

"What?" she asked, turning back to Remus.

"All he says about me is that I'm the worst dressed Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor that Hogwarts had ever seen!"

"That's not very nice," Judy said. "Really, I'd say that Umbridge was worse. All that pink and the bow and- -"

"Nothing about having taught Harry the Patronus spell," he said indignantly. "Or how to rid yourself of a Boggart!"

"He's an idiot, everyone knows that," Judy said.

"And what did he teach them? Nothing!" Remus closed the book with a loud bang. "Oh bother. I'm going for some air."

Judy eyed the book where he left it on the bar. She hated it when people left things on her bar. Except for coasters, of course.

"I need a martini."

Judy looked up to see Jael situate herself in the stool recently vacated by Remus.

"But you don't drink martinis."

"I don't care. Mister secret agent man took the entire GDC apart, convinced he could repair the cocoa frother. And now he won't rest til it's fixed," Jael complained.

"Men," Judy said, grabbing a perfectly chilled margarita glass.

"Hey, what's this?" Jael asked, looking at the DADA book. She flipped through the pages. "Cool! Can I read it?"

"You can have it," Judy said.

"Great," Jael replied, turning to the first section. "Oh, make it margarita instead."

"Uh-huh," Judy replied. She wasn't the bartender for nuthin'.

~*~

"Come on," Emmy said, dragging Sirius by the hand.

"No. No way," Sirius said as he spotted the Dementor floating outside the Clinic door.

"It's just a stupid Dementor," she said. "What's the big deal?"

Sirius gave her a look that would likely have caused some distress to anyone not residing at HSU. "Let's go back and get my wand, and then maybe- -"

"You have to see the Nurse. This is a terrible condition. Come on," she said, trying to yank him toward the Clinic as he tried to pull the other way.

"Are you completely insane?" Sirius said, digging in his heels as a terrible chill filled the air when the Dementor drifted toward them.

Emmy huffed and - always prepared - reached into her pocket, withdrawing a handful of cherry-flavored Laffy Taffy. She threw them down the hall and past the Dementor. "Magic schmagic," the Dean said as the Dementor suddenly halted, turned, and sailed down the corridor to the spot where the Laffy Taffy landed.

Sirius looked at the Dean and then at the Dementor. "Is it.scarfing?"

"Yeah, they love these disgusting things. Eat 'em wrapper and all," Emmy said, giving him one as well. "Now come on," she said, grabbing his hand again and marching up the Clinic door. While, technically, it was a medical clinic, and anyone could just walk right in, Emmy knew better. She pounded loudly on the door with the palm of her hand.

"What?" Darry said, the door quickly opening, her head - and only her head - popping out.

"I need you to get rid of these," Emmy said, pulling on Sirius' shirt and showing the Nurse the ink on his chest.

Sirius almost protested, except he remembered that he liked having his shirt ripped open.

"I can't," Darry said.

"Why not?"

"They're tats. You can't just get rid of them."

"Why not?"

Darry sighed. "All I could really do is purple lightning them, and then he'd just have burn marks instead of ink."

"That might be okay," Emmy said.

"No, it would not be okay," Sirius said. "I like them."

"I don't."

"Not my problem, pet," Sirius said.

"Don't call me pet."

"Goodbye," Darry said with a huff.

"No wait," Emmy said, slamming her hand against the door as the Nurse tried to shut it. "There's something wrong with his hair."

"There's nothing wrong with my hair."

Darry eyed the Marauder. "I don't do hair. Dande does hair."

"No," Emmy said. "I mean, there's something unnatural about it."

"There is not!" Sirius protested.

"Unnatural, how?" Darry said, already having crossed her patience line.

"It's grown like two inches already today," Emmy said.

"So cut it," Darry said.

"In case you haven't noticed, it's my hair," Sirius said.

The two Ho's looked at him as though he were speaking Swahili.

"I tried cutting it," Emmy said.

"When?" Sirius said.

"When you were brainsucked into that stupid computer game!" Emmy said.

"It's not stupid," he said.

Ignoring him, she turned back to Darry. "It grew back."

"Wait here," Darry said, slamming the door.

Emmy sighed, crossed her arms, and tapped her foot.

"There's nothing wrong with my hair," Sirius said.

Emmy gave him a sideways glare. "I'll be the judge of that."

"Right," Darry said, her head suddenly re-appearing, followed by her hand, which held her Blackberry. "Have you been depressed today?" she asked Sirius while looking at the Blackberry screen.

"Um.well.." He replied as he attempted to self-analyze, a skill he never fully mastered in his natural life.

"Just answer the question," Emmy said.

Sirius scowled at the Dean. "I would say more confused than depressed," he answered.

"Nope, doesn't say anything about confused," Darry said as she scrolled down the screen.

"Although she did try to make me remove the Kylie Minogue calendar," he said.

"Ah, that's it then," Darry said.

"It's MY office," Emmy protested. Then she added, "What's it then?"

"He grows his hair long when he's depressed. Shorter when happy," Darry said.

Sirius nodded. "She's right."

"There must be some acceleration of that here for whatever reason," Darry said.

"So fix it," Emmy said.

"I can't fix it."

"Well, that's stupid! What am I supposed to do?" Emmy complained.

"Keep him happy."

"You've got to be kidding me," Emmy said, giving the Nurse a look.

"Blowjobs do wonders. Bye." And with that, Nurse was gone.

Emmy sighed and turned to find Sirius grinning at her. Then she huffed at him, pushed him toward the Dementor, and walked quickly back toward her office.

Fortunately for Sirius, he recalled the sole Laffy Taffy still in his hand and threw it at the Dementor. "Huh," he said, rather impressed when it turned away from him. He rose to his feet and turned quickly, knowing the one candy wouldn't keep the Dementor occupied for long.

As Sirius rounded the corner, he walked smack dab into the other retired Death Eater on campus. The two Wizards repelled each other like polarized magnets, each of their backs hitting the opposite wall.

"Blllack," Snape said, his lips barely moving.

Sirius stood upright and adjusted his unkempt shirt. "Snivellus."

Snape glowered and stepped forward.

Sirius gave his best Bring It look and stepped forward as well.

"You! Back to the Mediator's Office!" Worf ordered, suddenly appearing out of nowhere simply because he was continuously casing the halls for another disturbance to contain. "You! Back to the Dean's Office!"

The two Wizards gave the much larger Klingon intimidating looks but then thought better of it as Worf marched closer to them.

Snape turned on a dime, robes sweeping out behind him as he departed the scene.

Sirius, however, saw opportunity. "I'm sorry, I don't believe we were properly introduced."

Worf glared at him, mostly because he was unhappy there hadn't been bloodshed. "Lieutenant Commander Worf."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, sir. I am - -"

"I know who you are," Worf said abruptly.

"Of course you do," Sirius said. "Tell me, I'm curious about the activities of Lucius Malfoy."

Worf continued to glare.

"He's wretched, I know." Sirius said, hoping to lead the large.whatever he was into a more informative conversation.

But Worf only continued to glare.

"Right, then," Sirius said, with a quiet, single clap of his hands. "I'll just be going back to the Dean's Office." He backed away slowly and then turned once he reached a safe corner.

Satisfied that he had, yet again, controlled a situation that really hadn't been out of control to begin with, Worf marched around the corner in search of, hopefully, greater unrest in the vicinity of the Library.

~*~

"Mommy! Mommy! I made you a valentine for Valentine's Day!"

Dande beamed at her adorable little Wenchling. "You did?"

"Yes! Yes! I'll go get it!"

Da Mastah's eyes crinkled with amusement at the site of his daughter bounding in and out of the room. "For you," he said, holding up a smallish box with a big red bow on top.

Dande gasped and batted her comely eyelashes. "You didn't have to do this!" She carefully untied the bow (since Wenches always saved them for later) and opened the box to find the most beautiful pair of shoulder duster earrings she'd ever seen. "Oh," she gasped. "They're beautiful!"

"More so on you," he said as Cara came back into the room dragging her wagon behind her.

"Dear one, you know you're not allowed to have the wagon in the house," Qui-Gon said, hardly able to chastise Cara since she looked so cute in her red and white Valentine's Day dress.

"But Daddy, my valentine for Mommy is very heavy!" She parked her wagon and pulled on the large poster board, which clunked to the floor as it toppled out of the wagon. "Look Mommy, Auntie Kendra let me use her glitter!" Cara said excitedly as she used all her Puffette might to lift the large, sparkly card above her head.

"Oh, it's so pretty!" Dande said, smiling at the thick crust of glitter that covered the entire card. "Sweetie, how much of Kendra's glitter did you use?"

"All of it!" Cara squeaked joyfully.

Qui-Gon's large frame leaned lower to get a better look at the card. "Are those...no...where would she get those?"

Dande carefully took the handiwork from her daughter to verify that, yes, Cara had glued loose diamonds to the card amidst all the glitter.

"Mommy! You have to put it on the fridge!"

"Of course!" Dande said, her Wenchly brain trying to figure out how a diamond-laden poster board could be held to the refrigerator with alphabet magnets.

"Allow me," Da Mastah said, taking the card and Force-sticking it to the fridge. "We can sort it out later," he said with a wink to his wife before returning to the pod racing on TV.

~*~

"Do you have an appointment?" Tavington said to the giant blob of white feathers that appeared to have human legs.

"No," came a muffled voice, quickly followed by the squawk.

"Then what do you propose I do?" Tav said. While he may be medicated, nothing could dampen his adherence to following his own self-determined procedures.

"Can't she just fit him in?" the muffled voice asked.

"What is that thing?" Tav asked, nose crinkling slightly.

"It's a peacock, sir."

Tav sighed and clicked his pen. "And what is the issue with your peacock?"

"Oh, there's no issue, sir."

"Then why are you here?"

"Darry said we couldn't keep him in the Clinic. She said Ellie would love him."

Tav sighed again. He didn't doubt that it would be yet another welcome addition for which he would have to order special feed. "Your name?"

"Harry, sir. Harry Potter."

"Very well," Tav said. "Wait over in the corner until Ellie has time for you."

"Thank you." The white blob of feathers with human legs backed up very slowly until it came to rest against the wall.

Just then, the door opened, and the UPS man appeared. "Delivery."

"I gathered that," Tav said.

"Heavy freight," the heavily inked man in brown said.

"Let me guess," Tav said. "Another Haywire machine."

"Yeah, dude! Good call!"

"Yes," Tav replied with disinterest. It appeared that Ellie's harem had not consulted on their very same idea for the perfect gift for their Ho, despite the fact that she already had fourteen Haywire machines.

Although even a Green Dragoon had to admit that one could likely never have enough Haywire machines.

~*~

"Dearest love!" Commo said as Laure entered her office after an exhausting lay about on the beach. "I have written a poem to glorify and adore you!"

"That's nice, dear," Laure said, making a beeline for her wet bar.

Commo cleared his throat, holding the parchment high for dramatic effect. "My dearest flower, by the hour."

Laure glared at Spike who snorted as he watched Judge Judy.

"My most beautiful sweet!" Commo paused for effect. "You are such a treat. All for you, through this and that," he paused yet again, an expectant smile on his face, "I'm such a prat!"

"Ow!" Spike said after Laure smacked him on the back of the head.

"Commo, that was so thoughtful," she said, kicking back her wine glass.

"Yes, it was, wasn't it?" Commo replied.

"Is that my parchment?" Snape said, suddenly bothering to pay attention after Laure gave that vampire another good smack on the head.

"Professor," Commo began as if talking to a four year-old. "As you are aware, this Empire and everything in it is under my benevolent rule. As such," Commo raised his hand in the air rather imperiously, "I shall overlook your shameful assumption that what is mine is yours."

"That's my parchment," Snape said directly to Laure.

The Mediator sighed. "You have several rolls of parchment. What harm - -"

"It's mine," Snape emphasized.

Laure turned back to her wet bar. Some days it just didn't make any sense to leave the beach at all.

~*~

Emmy glanced with annoyance at her front door. No one ever knocked on her front door. Why were they doing it now? After the second knock, she relented, tossing her French Vogue on the chair and going to answer it.

"Good afternoon, madam. My name is Harry Potter."

Emmy leaned against the doorway and gave him a DUH look.

"I am a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Are you high?" the Dean asked.

Harry swallowed nervously. "I am seeking the support of concerned citizens like yourself in my school's fundraising efforts. Through this special offer, you can select a magazine subscription from among eight hundred different publications. The proceeds from this magazine program will provide crucial.uh.." Harry nervously cleared his throat and quickly glanced at his palm, which was covered in smeared ink. "Crucial...funds for my school."

"You seriously have to be kidding me."

"Not only that," Harry continued, "but if you act now, you can participate in our Choose Three for a Tree program. By selecting three magazine subscriptions, all at a discount of forty percent off cover price, a tree will be planted on behalf of our school."

"Why the crap would I buy three magazine subscriptions when your stupid school gets credit for the tree?"

Harry blinked, not having anticipated this question. Undaunted (he was a Gryffindor, after all) he continued. "So, not only can you help support Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry through your generous support, but by selecting our Three for a Tree program, you can do your part to save the Earth."

"The Nurse sent you, didn't she?"

"No, ma'am."

"This is some stupid prank where I sign up for a magazine, and she electronically copies my signature," Emmy said.

"No, ma'am," Harry said, shuffling his clipboard around, and reaching into his pocket. "As you can see here, I have a legitimate fundraising license from American Publishers, a division of the Hearst Corporation. And if you sign up today, I will be awarded special points toward a number of educationally beneficial rewards."

"Yeah, I'll bet," the Dean said.

"These rewards include points toward the purchase of school books, supplies, and, possibly, a summer excursion to Romania to study the - -"

"Harry?"

The Boy Who Lived paused at the familiar voice, trying to get a peek past the Dean, who swiftly moved to block his view.

"Harry!"

"Sirius!"

"Fuck me," Emmy groused.

"Let me have a look at you!" Sirius exclaimed, flinging the door open, which caused the Dean to topple over, despite the fact that she was barefoot for once.

"Sirius! I can't believe you're here!"

Sirius grabbed his godson into an enthusiastic hug. "I could say the same thing to you!"

"It seems like it's been ages," Harry said.

"Come in, tell me all about what you've been up to," Sirius said, leading Harry into the the living room.

"Um, hello," Emmy, still on the floor, said in protest of the uninvited guest into her home.

Sirius, seeming not to hear the Dean (either selectively or by accident), tossed Emmy's French Vogue out of the way to let Harry sit in her favorite chair.

The Dean took a deep breath. "He just got here, he just got here," she repeated under her breath in an effort to convince herself that Sirius simply had not yet learned the rules and wasn't openly flouting them (even though she knew full well it was in his nature to do so).

As Sirius and Harry chatted excitedly, Emmy climbed up off the floor and dug her iPhone out of her Hermes bag. "Call Darry," she ordered into the phone.

"What now?" the Nurse answered.

"Get your ass over here now."

"Since when do I ever- -"

"Harry found Sirius. Vice versa. Et cetera."

"I'll be right there."

~*~

"You know, if you would have just given him a blowjob like I told you, this wouldn't have happened."

Emmy glared at Darry. "You're not helping."

The two Ho's sat on the sofa right across from the Marauder and The Boy Who Lived, neither of whom seemed to even notice their presence.

"Hmm, looks like it's time for our playdate with Draco," Darry said loud enough to be heard by persons sitting only kick-length away.

Sirius and Harry kept right on with their annoyingly chatty reunion.

"This is ridiculous," Darry said.

"Mm-hmm," Emmy said. "Although, silver lining, Sirius' hair is now shorter."

"I hear there's free porn showing on the big screen in the pub!" Darry exclaimed, looking rather hopeful as the two men (well, technically, boy and man) paused as though they'd just heard something terribly important but couldn't quite place it. Then, both of them shaking it off, they continued with their man-prattle.

"Fuck me!" Darry complained.

"That's what I said." Emmy slumped back on the sofa and blew out a loud exhalation.

"I've had enough," Darry said, standing up and grabbing her Gryff by the back of his shirt collar. "Time to go!"

"But," Harry protested, finally noticing the Nurse's presence as she yanked him over the arm of the chair. "I wasn't finished!"

"There's plenty of time for catching up later," Darry said. "Much later."

"But I didn't get to tell him about - -"

"You can tell him later," Darry said, dragging him toward the door.

"Harry," Sirius said, not terribly fussed at his godson being dragged about by an older woman. "What exactly is your role here?"

"It varies," Harry said with a grin. "Sometimes bottom, sometimes top. Really, sometimes right in between."

"Ha!" Sirius said with a clap of his hands. "Well done, Harry!" The Marauder gave an encouraging wave as the Nurse exited with her charge.

"You seriously have to be kidding me," Emmy said.

Sirius stepped forward, raising his index finger to make an amusing point. "I don't like that word, 'seriously'. And, by all accounts, Malfoy's son isn't the image of his father, so where's the harm?"

The Dean chose to ignore any harm that might come from association with Malfoy, senior. "I mean, he's like twelve years old or something," Emmy said, completely unable to fathom why her new EF wasn't completely squicked as she was.

"He's not twelve!" Sirius laughed. "He's.well, I've no idea how old he is, but more power to him!"

"You are seriously mental."

"Ah, ah, ah," he said, wagging his finger at her.

"Seriously," she repeated just to annoy him.

"What an incredible first day here!" Sirius said. "First, I find Remus. Then Buckbeak arrives. Then I find World of Warcraft. Then I find Harry!"

Emmy cocked her head to one side, eyebrows raised.

Sirius suddenly gave her an incredibly charming smile. "Yes, of course," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. "This must mean my motorbike is here, too!" he exclaimed, placing an excitedly happy smooch on her forehead before hurrying out the front door.

Emmy huffed as she watched the door slam. "Seriously??"

~*~

The General checked his Blackberry. Then he checked it again. In fact, he checked it a third time because hell hath no fury like a woman who knows you forgot her (and only her) on Valentine's Day.

He even went so far as to take photos of each of them with the gifts he presented as a backup measure to ensure that he had, indeed, delivered all gifts as planned.

With a sigh of relief after scrolling through each name and accompanying photograph, he then turned his attention to Kendra's birthday plans. His one saving grace was that he always knew it would be Kendra he'd be taking to dinner on Valentine's Day. He shuddered at the thought of what might transpire should he have to juggle ALL of them for dinner on Valentine's Day.

But, fortunately for Kenobi, everyone understood that a Ho's birthday took precedence, so he was at least spared having to make a perfect evening for all of them in one night. And, also fortunately, Kendra took care of scheduling the others for dinner appointments anyway, so it was a burden off his mind.

He stuck a bow on the barrel of gummy fish for his Secretary and double-checked the time so he would not be late to take Kendra to TGIFriday's for chicken strips and a fishbowl margarita.

"Plenty of time," he said to himself with a grin, as he reached for the Valentine's gift that Emmy had given him, the World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King expanded set.

It was good to be the General.

~*~

Emmy walked into her office to find a very large package with a big red bow on top, and a vase of pink and red tulips sitting next to it. "Oh my gosh!" she said with a big smile, never expecting a gift from anyone but the General.

"Ah, there you are," Tav said.

"Oh!" the Dean said, having not seen him behind the big red bow. As she approached, she realized that the package was actually wrapped in a large grey wool blanket.

"Go ahead, open it," Tav said, trying not to look too excited but terribly proud of himself that he'd managed to pull off a Valentine's Day gift in only his first two months at HSU.

"Okay! And I love tulips!"

"Yes," he said.

Emmy hurriedly ripped off the bow and pulled on the blanket to reveal a case of Trader Joe's lentil soup, four bags of dark chocolate covered pretzels, and a pink bakery box containing one dozen chocolate cupcakes with super chocolate fudge frosting.

The Dean squeaked. "This is perfect!"

"Yes?" Tavington said, trying to pretend he was casual about the whole thing but incredibly chuffed at his accomplishment.

"Yes!" Emmy exclaimed with a grin. "I have something for you, too!"

"Oh, well…you shouldn't have," Tav said. After all, he had completely co-opted her computer, her GDC, and her Nintendo DS.

"Here!" she said, handing him a box wrapped in red paper.

Tav took the box and began to very carefully loosen the tape from the edges of the wrapping paper, all the while keeping his eyes on Emmy to make sure he was following proper protocol.

"Just rip it," she said excitedly. "Presents are supposed to be ripped open!"

Tav smirked and tore off the paper. "Excellent gift," he said with a smile as he saw the box containing the World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King expanded set.

"Yes, I know!"

He gave Emmy a questioning look.

"Oh alright, go ahead," she said, waving her arm toward her computer. She grabbed a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and intended on taking her French Vogue beachside for a little R & R.

~*~

"Can you believe it? The worst dressed DADA instructor in the history of Hogwarts! Not just in recent memory. Oh no, he had to qualify it as being from the inception of the school!"

"Tough break, Moony," Sirius said, slapping his friend on the shoulder as they walked toward the pub together. "But you have to admit, you never were as up with current fashion as James or I."

Remus eyed Sirius' black velvet coat and purple shirt that every woman on campus would no doubt refer to as "pimpin'" (but not in a good way).

"Besides," Sirius continued, oblivious to the judgment of his wardrobe, "everyone knows that Lockhart is a complete tosser."

"His book is a best seller!"

"Because people like to see tossers make fools of themselves, that's all," Sirius said, trying his best to make Remus feel better. "Harry!" Sirius exclaimed as they rounded the corner, and his godson came into view.

"Sirius!"

"Harry, you'll be thrilled to know that my motorbike finally arrived."

"Cool."

"You'll have to have a go on it," Sirius said.

"Perhaps that's not the best idea," Remus said. "It is a rather large bike, and you remember what happened to you the first time you rode it."

Sirius waved off Remus' concern. "Boy's got to learn to ride a bike at some point!"

"What's this, Potter? Your mongrel pseudo daddy finally show up?"

"Shut it, Malfoy," Harry said.

Sirius turned to see Draco approaching, except he had some difficulty identifying him as such.

"Malfoy," Sirius said, pulling his wand. "I was wondering when I'd find you skulking about again."

"Sirius, put the wand away," Remus said, reaching for Sirius' arm.

Sirius gave Remus a nasty look. "Oh, you have gone soft here, haven't you, Moony," he said, still pointing his wand at Draco. "Bosom buddies with Death Eaters, now is it?"

"As if I'd share so much as the same atmosphere with a werewolf," Draco said. "Mum was right about you, I see. Always slumming it with the worst of wizardkind."

"I said shut it, Malfoy!" Harry said, his body twitching out of confusion that he was being pulled between the two sides.

"Sirius," Remus said, "remember how you saw Lucius earlier today, hmm?"

Sirius blinked.

"And he was a grown man," Remus continued with a sigh. "As he was the last time you saw him before…well…." He thought it best not to remind Sirius of what had actually occurred then.

Sirius blinked again. "Mini Malfoy?"

"Mini?" Draco said, sorely offended and not about to be swayed by the wand pointed at his throat. "I'll have you know that there is nothing mini about me!"

"It's true," Harry added, trying to be helpful.

"OI!"

Remus, Harry, and Draco all dropped to the floor in unison.

All of a sudden a bolt of purple lightning came shooting down the hall, hitting Sirius square on the chest. Sirius toppled against the wall, grasping his chest.

"Good shot!" Draco laughed.

"Sirius!" Harry cried, jumping up and running forward.

"Get off!" the Nurse yelled at The Boy Who Lived, shoving him back toward Draco and getting all up in Sirius' face. "Next time it won't be a tat that I electrocute from you."

Sirius caught his breath as the Nurse and her posse made quick work toward the Clinic. "Remarkable," he said under his staggered breath. "I thought you said that the Librarian was the only witch on campus."

Remus grabbed Sirius by his pimpin' coat and pulled him upright and set him walking forward. "That's another matter entirely."

A dim bulb illuminated in Sirius' mind. "Moony, I'll catch up with you later. I need to go speak with that woman who brought me here…uhh…."

Remus sighed and shook his head. "Emmy. Her name is Emmy."

"Yes, that's it!" Sirius said with a snap of his fingers.

"Word of advice," Remus said. "Commit that to your eternal memory, or you'll be begging for another lightning strike."

~*~

Emmy lounged comfortably on her chaise by the pool under the large umbrella that protected her porcelain (blinding) skin from the sun's harmful rays. French Vogue in hand and bag of chocolate covered pretzels in her lap, she was finally making real progress on her review of the Versace runway photos.

"Oh my gosh, this is the best book ever!" Jael exclaimed from her chaise next to the Dean. "Did you know that they used to teach Hogwarts students how to create dragons from thin air in case they ever ran into battle with a real dragon?"

"Really," Emmy said with disinterest as she crunched on another pretzel.

"Apparently there were issues with setting the professors on fire once too many times, so they stopped that lesson." Jael paused as a brilliant scheme formed in her mind. "I think we should do that here!"

"No."

"Oh come on," Jael protested. "There are even detailed instructions here! What could possibly go wrong? It's not like we even have professors!"

Emmy gave Jael a look over the top of her sunglasses.

Jael shrugged. "Whatever happened, it couldn't possibly as bad as all the other things that have happened around here, right?"

"What the crap is that book anyway?" Emmy asked.

"Oh, it's this book that Remus found at - -"

"That's nice," Emmy interrupted, shifting in her chair and flipping the page of her magazine. She reached down for her margarita, and in that instant, a sudden weight planted itself on the side of her chair, which nearly sent her toppling over the other side as her margarita spilled all over the concrete.

"Sorry about that," Sirius said, holding on to her hip and righting her on the chair.

Emmy slapped his stupid hand off her and gave him her Look O'Pain, which he failed to see given that she was wearing large Dior sunglasses.

"I'm afraid I've made an awful mistake," Sirius said, still forcing Emmy to share the chaise with him.

"Only one?" Emmy replied impatiently.

"I fear I've led Harry terribly astray by encouraging his sexual development."

"Oh my gawd," Emmy said, dropping her head back against the chaise.

"I know, I know," Sirius said. "I fear I'm often not the best role model for him."

Emmy only made annoyed gurgling noises.

"He told me that Draco was nothing like his father, and I, being wholly unlike my own parents, was willing to give the boy the benefit of the doubt," Sirius went on…and on. "Plus, it's important that Harry not feel restricted in his life choices in any way, don't you agree?"

Again, Emmy gave the unseen Look O'Pain.

"However, I encountered Draco only minutes ago, and he is the spitting image of Lucius!"

"Oy," Emmy said, rubbing her head as she finally noticed the scorch mark on Sirius' shirt, wondering what wrath the Nurse would be dishing out on her.

"How shall I properly counsel Harry now?" Sirius continued. "I don't wish to drive him from me with my concerns, but I feel responsible for encouraging him in this behavior in the first place." Sirius then dug his hand into Emmy's pretzel bag, coming out with a handful that he began to shove in his mouth.

Jael's jaw dropped, and she quickly began to scoot her chaise away from Emmy.

"Oh, these are very nice," Sirius said, waving a pretzel at the Dean. "However," he continued, "I wonder if it would be best for me to just wait and let Harry come to me with these issues. Be available, of course. In fact, if I show him how to ride the motorbike, that would be the perfect scenario for the issue to come up all on its own, don't you think?" Sirius took another handful of pretzels and looked at Emmy expectantly.

Emmy grabbed the pretzel bag out of her lap and placed it on the table next to her and out of his reach. She then slowly lowered her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose so he would be well aware of the look she was giving him. "Do you know what today is?"

Sirius blinked, the Look O'Pain causing mild distress.

"Today is Valentine's Day," Emmy said. "The General gave me a beautiful Versace bag that I've been wanting for some time. Tav gave me all my favorite foods, likely the most thoughtful gift anyone could give me. And you," she said, pausing long enough to watch his eyes shift nervously. "You have given me a huge migraine."

"I…I only just arrived here," Sirius offered in weak defense.

"Yes," she said. "Which means you should have given me nothing. Not a migraine. Not a hippogriff in my flat. Not a Kylie Minogue calendar. Not a mother who calls me a filthy whore. Not a stinky house elf who also calls me a filthy whore."

"I apologized for some of that," he said, truly believing he was making an excellent point.

Emmy inhaled and exhaled slowly. "All I want to do is sit out here and read my French Vogue. So you take your Soul Train grooming sense and walk the hell away before I do something that will really, truly make you sorry you ever came here."

Sirius gulped. He hadn't a clue what she actually had just said, but the way she said it was another thing entirely.

"Dude, I'd so be moving if I were you," Jael offered from her scooted-over position several feet away.

"Yes, well…" Sirius said, looking like a dejected puppy. "Can I get you another drink?" he asked hopefully.

"NOW."

With a slight blur, the Marauder made a hasty exit.

~*~

"I didn't mean for Mother to call her a filthy whore."

Remus took a drink and then regarded his friend, who was slumped forward slightly, his elbows resting on the bar top. "Sirius, what did you expect would happen when you lifted the tapestry?"

"You are sooooooooo dead," Judy said with a chuckle as she cranked on a corkscrew.

Sirius sighed. "But I've already been dead. I'd prefer not to repeat it." He paused and tapped on the bar surface. "And Soul Train grooming sense? What does that mean?"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe it's something metaphysical."

Judy rolled her eyes as she set a glass of cabernet in front of Sirius.

"It is Valentine's Day," Remus said. "You couldn't easily make up for this by buying her something."

Both Marauders looked at Judy when she snorted.

Sirius examined his wine as he circled the glass in his hand. "You know I've always been crap at this sort of thing."

"Yes," Remus said with a nod.

"Which is why I never married," Sirius said.

"Nor I," Remus said, taking another drink of his ale.

Sirius suddenly looked confused (that was happening to him a lot), and set down his wine glass. "But Harry told me that you'd mar- - UFF!" he grunted, as the business end of Judy's bat suddenly poked him in the chest, knocking the air out of his lungs.

Remus, being so used to seeing Judy's bat in action against most other pub patrons, didn't pay it any mind, figuring Sirius must have done something to legitimately set her off. Sirius had that effect on women anyway.

"Remus, it appears that I've run short of limes," Judy said, still holding the bat to Sirius' chest. "Would you mind running to the storeroom for me? Kendra is out for her birthday dinner."

"Happy to, of course," Remus said, getting up from his barstool.

xxxxxxxxxJudy watched until he was out of earshot. "Okay, listen you," Judy said, pressing the bat a little more firmly to Sirius. "You make sure that hair of yours is always shorter than hers. You go have a consultation with Dande about hair products while you're at it so it's not so curly. Emmy already has issues enough with her own curly hair, she doesn't need yours to be reminding her of her own hair whatevers. You find a pair of scissors and trim up that disco facial hair you have going on. She likes dark chocolate, anything that sparkles, and, above all shoes." Judy leaned forward with a menacing look in her eye and a low, threatening voice. "If you ever mention anything to Remus about having been married, or anything at all about that second cousin of yours, you will be eating out of a tube for the rest of your life."

Sirius stared wide-eyed at the bartender.

Judy pulled back the bat and tapped it in her hand. "It's a delicate balance we all maintain here, and I'll not have an upstart like you overturning the apple cart. Remember your place, and everything will be just fine."

"Here we are," Remus said, returning with a bag of limes.

Judy quickly replaced the bat to its perch under the bar. "Oh, thank you so much," she said, sounding perfectly charming.

Sirius continued his wide-eyed stare.

"So," Remus said, resuming his seat at the bar. "Any ideas for resolving your dilemma?"

"Uh…."

"You'll find Dande across the pitch in the lovely cottage," Judy said.

~*~

"Hurry up, you're going to be late for your afternoon classes!" Darry tapped her foot and checked her watch again.

"This is ridiculous," Draco said. "I could take my broom and get there must faster."

"Until you can learn to ride your broom while wearing a knapsack full of books, you will take the bus," Darry said, handing Draco a brown lunch sack.

Draco rolled his eyes. "They feed us, you know. You don't have to pack a lunch."

"Who said I packed a lunch?" Darry said.

"Hrrmm?" Draco replied, suddenly terribly intrigued. He quickly opened the bag and stuck his face in it to examine the contents.

"Oi, Four Eyes!" Darry called.

"Coming!"

"Not without me, you aren't," Darry said. "Hmm, on second thought…." The Nurse looked around for her camera.

"Right, sorry," Harry said, suddenly appearing slightly disheveled. "I'd put on Cedric's tie and robe by mistake. When will I get my own room?"

"Never," Darry said.

Draco snorted. "Leave it to you, Potter, to be unable to tell the difference between a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor tie."

"I'm color blind, wanker!"

"Since when?" Darry said with a dubious tone. She reached for the other brown paper sack and handed it to Harry. "That's alright, you're detail-oriented when it really counts."

"What's in here? They do feed us, you know."

"It's NOT lunch," Darry said. "What do I look like, a Wench? It's just a few items to keep occupied on your bus ride," she said wistfully, wishing she could be there with them seeing as the Knight Bus had beds.

"Whoa," Harry said as he examined the bag's contents.

"Last one to the bus stop is a rotten jobberknoll!" Draco took off like a shot out the Clinic door.

"Hey, no fair getting a head start!"

Darry sighed as she watched her boys run for it. She listened for the screech of the Knight Bus. Then she whipped out her mobile and dialed her Padawan. "El, I need the Bulgarian taxi, stat."

~*~

"I bring you these offerings as tokens of my loyalty," Worf said, two green fabric shopping bags hanging from each fist.

"Aww, for me?" Delphi said. "And in environmentally friendly bags, too!"

"Yes, I am aware of your concern for this planet, although I do not understand it."

Delphi greedily grabbed one bag from him and pulled out a Costco-sized bag of Chex Mix. "Oooohhh, this is the BEST!"

Worf nodded. "I knew you would approve." He then glanced at the odd floral arrangement on her desk. "Why are those roses standing on their heads. If roses had heads, that is."

"Oh, that's just how they landed when Lucius tossed them at me," Delphi said. "And what's in here?" she said, pulling the other bag slow enough toward her to encourage Worf to move with it.

"Perhaps something less practical. But equally as useful," he said, his voice sliding to a lower growl on the last word.

Delphi pulled out what appeared to be a small swatch of fabric. Then she held it up and examined it. "A Starfleet corset!"

"Yes."

"Shall I try it on?" She waggled her eyebrows as she shimmied the corset in front of her.

A slow smirk spread across Worf's face. "I believe that is an excellent idea."

~*~

"Oh, Mrs. Jinn, this is fantastic," Sirius said as he gazed around the cottage. "So cozy, yet so refined. You have a real eye for detail."

"Thank you so much," the Wench said, placing a dainty hand to her chest. "Please, call me Dande. Now, let me have a good look at you," she said, squaring Sirius in front of her. "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I see," she said as she examined him and lightly tossed his hair with her fingertips.

"Can you help?"

"Of course! I've known Emmy for ages. Trust me, I know exactly what to do," Dande said, leading him to her salon area and turning a chair for him. "Cookie?" she asked, offering a tray of snickerdoodles.

"Oh yes, please," Sirius said, snatching three and shoving another into his mouth whole. "Wonderful," he said.

"Now, my first recommendation is for a deep conditioner followed by a daily straightening balm," Dande said, holding up Bumble and Bumble products as she explained. "It will just relax the curl slightly, giving you a very natural, masculine wave and keeping the frizz under control. Tavington has had great success with this product, and I've not heard one complaint from Emmy about the condition of his hair."

Sirius nodded and shoved another cookie into his mouth. "Whatever you think is best," he said, brushing crumbs off his lapel.

"Now, I am a firm believer in an easy-care style," Dande said, turning to pick up a small pair of grooming scissors. "So let's have you trim up that goatee yourself. You'll see how very easy it is to maintain a classic, yet modern, look."

Sirius pouted slightly as she held the scissors in front of him.

"Trust me," Dande said. "I'm a professional Wench."

Sirius raised his hand to take the scissors, but then pulled back just short of touching them.

Dande smiled. "Did I mention that I've known Emmy for a very long time?" And that your mother and elf called her a filthy whore? Dande added internally, never breaking her Wenchly smile.

"Yes, of course," he said, grabbing the scissors from the Wench's perfectly manicured hand.

~*~

Lucius checked his spreadsheet again. He had, indeed, purchased 1,999,999 copies of The Secrets of DADA: My Life in Pictures, 2003 to Present Day by Gilderoy Lockhart. He was only missing copy two million and was having a difficult time tracking it down.

According to the publisher, there were five copies sent to the Target store in Estrogen County, but Lucius himself had purchased all of the books on the shelf, which only amounted to four. This meant that some Muggle had come into possession of that final copy.

Admittedly, this was a preferable scenario to missing one copy in the Wizard world. Very few Muggles would know who he was, but a Death Eater (ret.) could never be too careful. Especially when an egregious lapse in judgment had put him in this predicament to begin with.

Now he had to find a way to convince Delphi of the necessity of taking him to Target so he could crucio all the store employees until someone checked the computer records to - -

Wait a minute.

Lucius eyed Delphi as she happily munched Chex Mix at her desk. He did a mental inventory of his various expressions, adopting the one that came closest to charming. "What are you doing there?"

Delphi looked around, trying to identify where the cordial voice came from. Then she looked at Lucius, "Did you hear that?"

Lucius' lip twitched with the effort of maintaining the tone. "That was me."

Delphi's eyebrows raised in suspicion. "What's going on?"

The corners of Lucius' mouth took a nosedive. His mind followed through the steps of having to tell her what he needed, having to give her the title of the book, piquing her interest over the subject matter, then she would seek out the publisher to order a special print copy….

"I'm going to the pub," he said.

"Sure," she replied. "And remember to smile, you're on candid camera!"

~*~

Kendra gasped. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" She gazed in awe at the full wall fountain that had been installed somehow during the time the General taken her out for her birthday dinner.

"You like it?" the General asked, adorable smile on his face.

"I love it! It's the best birthday gift ever!" Kendra exclaimed. "Well, this and the diamond-encrusted stapler, of course."

"Of course," he said with a chuckle.

"Oh, and the industrial strength paper shredder. That was totally cool." She walked up to the fountain. "But nothing could compare to this!" She placed her finger in the gentle sheet of water and giggled. "I could play with this all day!"

The General walked up behind her and slid his arm around her waist. "And what, I wonder, shall you play with all night?"

Kendra gave him an evil grin. "I'm sure I could figure something out."

~*~

Emmy sat on her sofa in front of the TV, eating chocolate fudge frosting out of a small bowl with her index finger. Both she and Lasher jumped up when the door from her office suddenly opened.

"What the hell are you doing?" Emmy said, not sure if she were more annoyed at the intrusion or the fact that she was wearing shorts, a cami, and a big cardigan that was longer than her shorts. It wasn't an ensemble she hadn't worn out in public before, but the fact of the matter was that she needed to actively make that choice to let others see her in it.

"I have a Valentine's gift for you," Sirius proudly announced, carrying a very large bag with him.

"Whatever," Emmy said, flopping back down on the sofa.

Lasher on the other hand liked this new friend and trotted over to say hi.

"He's a very good dog," Sirius said by way of compliment as he scratched Lasher behind his ears.

"Yep," Emmy said, sucking down another finger-full of frosting.

Sirius walked over to the sofa and sat down right next to her. Then thinking better of it (since she wasn't wearing sunglasses this time) he scooted over a bit. "What are you eating?" he asked, trying not to sound too challenging even though it looked really weird.

"Frosting," she said.

"And where's the cake?"

"I don't need cake."

"Oh."

"Cupcakes come with too much frosting, okay? So I save half of the frosting to eat later, okay?"

Sirius put up his hands. "I wasn't judging."

Emmy gave him a sideways glance and then turned back to the TV, stretching out her legs to rest her feet on the ottoman.

Sirius had an internal conversation with himself about not screwing this up since he only now fully realized that she was wearing shorts and had legs that were quite pleasant to look at, and, more importantly, didn't seem to realize the effect that her legs were having on him.

"You smell like Bumble."

Sirius suddenly grew concerned, having no idea what a Bumble was or why he smelled like one.

"You saw Dande, then."

"Oh!" he replied, now remembering the maker of the products that Dande had supplied him with. "Yes." He watched Emmy for some reaction, but she gave none. However, the fact that she acknowledged it in some way did have some meaning…he just wasn't sure what that was at the moment.

"Lasher, no," Emmy said. "Chocolate is bad for puppies, baby."

Lasher dropped his head and then flopped down on the floor.

"Would you like your present?" Sirius asked, hoping to take advantage of the Dean's softer tone.

"Sure, whatever," she said, tone suddenly changed again.

Sirius grabbed the large bag and put it on the sofa between them. "I wasn't sure what you might already have, so I just picked up a few things."

"You went shopping?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "Dande was kind enough to tell me where to shop, so I took my motorbike- -"

"Oh yeah, that," she said, flopping the bag over so she could more easily reach into it. The first item she grabbed was a pink iPod Nano.

"Harry told me about these."

"Have it," she said.

"Oh," Sirius took it from her and put it in his pocket, as he wouldn't mind having it himself.

Emmy reached into the bag and pulled out a box of Godiva dark chocolate truffles. "Hmm." She placed the box on the table in front of her.

Sirius took that as a good sign.

Then she pulled out an iPhone. "Have it."

"Oh."

"I'm sure somebody will want it," she said. Then she reached into the bag and pulled out several bottles and jars until she realized it was the entire Fresh Sugar Lychee collection: the lotion, soap, candle, body wash, perfume, scrub, shampoo, and conditioner.

Sirius couldn't help but smile when he could plainly see that she was trying not to smile. He certainly wasn't going to mention that he'd taken note of the collection in her bathroom when she'd ordered him to bathe for the third time that day.

"Thank you," she said in a non-committal tone.

"You're welcome."

"I think you bought too much," she said, reaching into the bag.

Sirius shook his head, inwardly applauding himself that the tide was clearly turning in his favor.

The last item in the bag was a box. "No!" Emmy gasped when she saw Louboutin on the lid.

"I must admit, Dande gave me the tip on this."

Emmy threw off the lid and gasped again. "Oh my!" she exclaimed when she saw the blush tone satin gladiator sandals, her face breaking into an enormous grin. "They're so beautiful. I've been itching for spring shoes! Hee!"

"I'm glad you like them," he said, a huge rush of relief washing through him.

"I have to try them," she said, grabbing them out of the box and slipping them on. She stood and gave them a test walk. "Yeah, they look awesome with my shorts, right?" she snorted, alternating lifting one foot to the side and then the next so she could get a good look at them on her feet. "But I have the perfect dress to go with them."

"They go nicely with that outfit," he said.

"Ha, ha," she replied, flapping her hand at him thinking he was joking right along with her.

Having previously been dead, Sirius experienced long-dormant sensations while he watched the Dean excitedly model her 5-inch heels while wearing short shorts. Merlin help him, he was going to LOVE this place.

"Okay fine," she said flopping down on the sofa with a laugh. "You are forgiven. For now," she warned, as she propped her feet up on the ottoman and admired her new shoes. "Really, aside from Lasher, there's little I love more than shoes."

"That's what Dande said."

"She knows me well." Emmy picked up her bowl again. "Do you want something to eat?"

Sirius smiled, "That would be lovely."

Emmy dipped her finger in the frosting and then passed him the bowl.

"Thanks."

"There's stuff in the kitchen, too," she said, absently flapping her hand in that direction.

Sirius leaned back on the sofa and happily consumed the frosting. "What are you watching?"

"Bad reality TV," Emmy said. "There's this guy named Hugh Hefner, who- -"

"You think I don't know who he is?" he asked, giving her a DUH look.

Emmy glanced at Sirius. "Well, he is a Muggle."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Trust me, everyone knows Hugh Hefner."

"Figures," Emmy said. "Anyway, so these…interestingly attired women are his harem girls, so to speak. So we get to watch their silly antics and questionable clothing while Hef pays all the bills."

"So, just like this place only in reverse?" Sirius said.

Emmy looked at him and then suddenly laughed. "Oh my God, you're right! Except he's old and creepy, and we're not." She looked to Sirius to await his response. When he didn't, she smacked him on the arm until he laughed.

"Yes, of course," he said with a grin.

"Oh shh," Emmy said, patting him on the arm. "They're in Vegas now, we have to watch this." And then she sat back up at attention again. "I didn't get you anything."

"You weren't supposed to," he said. "Now be quiet, we have to watch this. And then you can explain Vegas to me."

"You've never been to Vegas? Oh my God!"

"You're supposed to be quiet," Sirius said, trying to put a hand over her mouth as she slapped his arm away.

"But I feel bad that I didn't get you anything after you got me shoes. Unrequited gifting makes me nervous."

"Why?"

"I don't like having to owe anyone anything."

"Alright then, how about this," Sirius said, suddenly remembering what Dande had told him about Emmy being happiest when everything was about her. "As your gift to me, you do whatever you like to me."

"Really?" Emmy said, eyes growing wide.

"Really."

"Excellent," Emmy said. "Now be quiet so I can watch this."

~*~

"Just take your shirt all the way off, it's in my way."

"Alright."

"Now stay right there. You'll mess it up if you move the wrong way."

"I promise, I won't mess it up."

"If you mess up the first one, it's all downhill from here."

Lucius sighed and glared toward the Dean's open office door. It was bad enough that he had to exist in the same building as Sirius Black, but now he had to suffer with having him in his line of sight.

There sat Black, shirtless on the Dean's desk. Worst of all, he was facing Lucius, no doubt on purpose. Next to him sat the Dean, her legs to one side and holding a washcloth to his chest while she bit her lower lip in concentration.

"Enjoying yourself, Malfoy?" Sirius said, cocking his head to one side.

Lucius huffed and turned back to his computer monitor, grinding his teeth as Sirius snorted.

"Oi, Daddio," Emmy said without looking up.

"Daddio?" Sirius said with great amusement.

Lucius bristled.

"Did the UPS man come yet?"

Lucius ignored her question.

"Daddio, she asked you a question," Sirius said. "It's only polite to answer."

"Oh, don't antagonize him," Emmy said.

"Why not?"

Emmy paused. "Oh, I don't know. Go ahead. Just don't move."

"I simply can't imagine what You Know Who would say about his little pet serving at the whim of Muggles," Sirius said to Emmy but certainly loud enough for Lucius to hear.

"Ah-ha!" Emmy said as she removed the washcloth.

"I wonder," Lucius said as though he were thinking out loud, "what it must be like to live one's life as a neutered mongrel."

An important thought suddenly occurred to the Dean. She leaned over to the other side of the desk and grabbed her Blackberry, quickly texting Darry the words: It's happening.

"Of course," Sirius said, "it can't possibly be as difficult to process as what Malfoy, Junior is up to these days."

Emmy snickered when she heard several pencils snap.

And then the Nurse suddenly appeared in the Dean's doorway, sans popcorn and quickly adjusting her clothing. She then noticed that Emmy was holding a washcloth to her EF's chest. "What are you doing?"

"Just covering his tats," Emmy said.

Darry stepped closer to see a pink Hello Kitty transfer somewhat covering Sirius' most visible ink. "Uhkay," she said. "Can't wait to see what you do to his hands."

"Still working that out," Emmy said.

"I'll just," Darry said, pointing toward the sofa. "Don’t want to interrupt the games."

"Tell me," Lucius said, now darkening the Dean's doorway. Then he glanced at Sirius' chest. "Are those…kitties?"

Darry laughed just because she'd never heard a Death Eater say "kitties" before.

"I like kitties," Sirius said. "They're very good at catching rats," he added, with a nod of his head toward Lucius.

"And they're pink," Lucius spat, look of complete disgust on his face. "No wonder your precious Order fell to pieces."

"Ah yes, your side faired so well, didn't it?" Sirius said. "You might want to have a chat with Snivellus about that."

Lucius glared.

Sirius glared.

Lucius glared again. And then, as he watched the Dean administer the kitties, it occurred to him that he'd conquered certain territory prior to the mongrel scum, and right now, all the mongrel was getting on a desk were pink kitties on his chest. A fact of which the mongrel was completely unaware and likely not being granted in equal measure, if at all. The Death Eater's posture suddenly changed to nearly pleased.

"Oh, I like that one," Emmy said, admiring her work. "It has glitter."

Lucius scowled at the kitties and then turned and left the office.

"Odd," Sirius said. "Malfoys never give in that quickly."

"Wanna bet?" Darry said, getting up from the sofa. "Well, that was fun. Short, but fun. Kinda like the first time…oh, never mind. Laterz," she said as she walked out.

Sirius looked down at the pink kitties on his chest. "I like pink. It's important to embrace feminine energy sometimes. Keeps you in balance," he explained.

"Of course," Emmy said, patting him on the shoulder. She had to admit, he was cute when slightly koo-koo.

~*~

Jael sighed and swung in her hammock as Bond made a great, clanging ruckus in his undying efforts to make the GDC cocoa machine froth as it once had. She turned back to Lockhart's book, intrigued to read the final chapter on recent developments in DADA instruction. Surely, there must be something that the Dean would allow her to experiment with on campus.

"Huh?" Jael said as she came to the section: The Intriguing Events of the Hogwarts Ball. Then she scowled when she was forced to read a brief biography of Lucius Malfoy as he appeared in the account. Jael could only imagine what nefarious deeds that nasty Death Eater had been up to that evening while everyone else was having fun.

"WHAT??" In her instinctive jolt upwards, Jael tossed herself right out of the hammock. "NO WAY!" she exclaimed as she continued to read the account while sprawled out on the floor.

It took a few moments for Jael to collect herself. Slowly, she stood, hand over her mouth, either out of shock or the urge to be sick. Probably both.

She picked up the book and read again about the mysterious brunette witch with the dangerous-looking shoes who had single-handedly disarmed a devoted servant of You Know Who by- -

Oh, it was just too terrible for Jael to re-read the details.

Wait, no it wasn't. Jael quickly re-read the details.

"Wow," she said. "Wow." The Warrior Princess pondered her options. Clearly, Lockhart assumed it had been a Witch. As far as Lockhart (and most of the Wizarding world) would be concerned, it could only be a Witch when it came to Malfoy. And a Pureblood at that.

This presented an interesting dilemma for Jael. Or an opportunity, depending on one's point of view.

This information could be extremely valuable from a bribery standpoint. More so with Malfoy, no doubt, who had far more to lose if the Wizarding world found out that he'd been doing dirty deeds on a desk with a Muggle. That, of course, would lead to even more bribery opportunities given his current living situation.

On the other hand, Jael greatly valued her internet access and TV signal.

Of course, there were also leveraging opportunities with Emmy. It wouldn't be difficult to convince the Dean to let Jael start dragon-creation experiments if she had this information with which to barter.

Then again, the Dean could be scarier than an army of Death Eaters if you pissed her off.

"Darling, it's fixed!" Bond suddenly exclaimed, proudly holding up a perfect cup of cocoa. "Now, it's time I really gave you your Valentine's gift," he said with a sexy grin.

Right, important decisions could be left for another time, Jael decided. She tossed the book aside and made a leap for her secret agent man.

What Jael didn't notice was that the book continued to slide across the floor and then toppled down the stairs, bounced off the tarp stretched over the hole in the floor (those GDC's could be dangerous sometimes), and flew out an open window.

"Huh, what's this?" Cal said as The Secrets of DADA: My Life in Pictures, 2003 to Present Day by Gilderoy Lockhart opened at his feet, revealing a moving photograph of a meek, skinny boy who suddenly glowed with strength and power with one wave of his wand.

Cal shrieked like a little girl, snatched up the book, and ran for his shack.

The End.

Just because it's so incredibly important, these are the shoes Sirius gave me.