Title: Lucius and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Author: Emmy
Warnings: Cheerleader mocking and gratuitous Death Eater abuse
Disclaimer: The Dean only owns a lot of shoes and a Galactic Domination Chair that used to belong to the Nurse.

“Oi, Daddio," Emmy said, shaking an 11x17 stack of database printouts in her hand. “It’s Louboutin. Not Laboutin. These go after the Nanette Lepores, not before."

Lucius glared at the Dean while the words CrucioImperioAvadaKedavra played over and over in his mind on continual loop.

The Dean, completely unaware how fortunate she was that the wizard was not a Jedi, continued, “Louboutin. Lou, Lou, Lou. Lepore. Le Le Le. Got it?"

Lucius’ jaw tightened. Who did this woman think she was? He was Lucius Malfoy! Death Eater, Pureblood, Slytherin, Greatest Despiser of Muggles Since the Dark Lord Himself!

“See, red sole. Louboutin," the Dean soldiered on, showing him the bottom of her Louboutin Arielle Talon ankle boots.

Okay, so he had to admit that the boots looked quite dangerous. Possibly almost evil, really.

Wait, where was he? Oh right…Greatest Despiser of Muggles Since—

“The Lepores say LEPORE on the insole." The Dean marched over to the lunch cart upon which sat a small mountain of shoes – La through Le. “See, look," she said, carefully holding up the Lepore Posh Pump with her hand under the sole. Leeeeepore."

Lucius arched an imperious brow.

“And do not handle these Lepores with bare hands," the Dean instructed. “You’ll mar the snakeskin."

Lucius almost looked confused but then quickly recovered. Why did a woman who wore possibly-almost-evil python boots and equally snakey pumps irritate him so?

“Really, dude, this aint rocket science."

“Right," Lucius quipped in answer to his own previous question.

“Good," the Dean replied, oblivious to Malfoy’s interesting internal conversation with himself.

Lucius exhaled a long, drawn out, put upon sigh as the Dean retreated back to her office. Unfortunately, she returned with a stack of mail.

“And could you do something about these?" The Dean dropped a stack of opened letters on his desk, all addressed to General Kenobi and stinking of perfume.

Lucius wrinkled his nose and carefully lifted one of the letters in his gloved hands, careful not to touch more than just the corners of the envelope. He noticed how the first one featured the “i"s dotted with tiny hearts. In fact, it appeared that all the “i"s on each envelope was dotted with hearts.

“They’re all from Princess Academy," Emmy explained, hands on her hips. “I tried shredding them at first. And then I tried burning them. And then I made lots of threatening phone calls. But they keep coming. I can’t have this. These bitches need to step off."

Lucius pulled one of the letters out of its envelope. The text appeared to be full of hysterical language in admiration of General Kenobi. The other side of the page was a large photograph of a blonde woman in a cheerleader outfit. Lucius had seen this similar sort of muggle figure on ESPN in the pub while the offensive wolfish person named Logan explained in graphic detail the exact purpose of the cheerleader. Having heard such a description, Lucius actually could not understand the problem with a cheerleader in theory, but it clearly made the Dean very unhappy. But Lucius knew that there was very little that made the Dean happy, so he wasn’t about to think much of her displeasure. (Granted, he did find the heart-dotted “i"s quite offensive.)

The Dean continued to stand before him, and not in the deferential sense. Arms crossed and tapping her possibly-almost-evil boot.

“And what, precisely, am I to do about this?" Lucius replied, greatly aggrieved.

“Make them stop sending the General love letters," the Dean said.

“Make them?" Lucius’ interest was mildly piqued.

“Yes. Make them."

“Really," Lucius drawled.

“You take Darry’s car, you go—“

“I. Don’t. Drive. Mug--"

“Whatever, walk for all I care. Just get to Princess Academy and do whatever it takes to make them stop."

Lucius pulled his shoulders back and raised his chin. The Dean was too damn tall in those possibly-almost-evil boots while he was seated, especially after she insisted that he use the chair with the broken hydraulic pump after that incredibly minor incident when he AK’d his computer when it began flashing Fatal Error in his Death Eater face.

Lucius decided it was best to stand in order to seal this deal.

“Put the pimp stick down," the Dean said, eyeing him warily. “Down! Put it down."

Lucius’ lip curled. He simply could not tolerate being pointed at in this manner. Wait a minute! He grabbed the Dean’s wrist. “Where did you get this?"

The Dean looked down at the diamond and emerald bracelet she was wearing. “Darry gave it—“ The Dean suddenly cut herself off. Darry had given her the bracelet in order to convince Emmy not to tell Lucius that Darry was, um, tutoring Draco, who had stolen the bracelet from his mother.

Emmy smiled at Lucius.

Lucius glowered at Emmy.

“Darry bought it on ebay," Emmy said. “And she gave it to me for my birthday."

“Ebay," Lucius spat. He couldn’t decide what offended him more, that his wife’s jewelry was being hocked by muggles on ebay or that the bracelet made him think of his wife in the first place.

And how did muggles get a hold of his wife’s jewelry anyway?

Dammit, why did he have to think about his wife? Hadn’t he suffered enough in his important life?

“Anyway!" The Dean yanked her arm away from him in his brief moment of distraction and hid it behind her back. “So yeah, go to Princess Academy. Make them stop by any means necessary because you can do ANYTHING you want there," Emmy hurriedly explained, attempting to make this pot as sweet as possible.

“Anything?" Lucius replied. He’d worry about the jewelry later.

“And…." Emmy’s brain frantically searched for some icing on this cake to ensure that the Nurse wouldn’t purple lightning her. She’d just gotten her hair flat ironed, after all. “And, there’s even a secret portkey to get you there!"

“Portkey!" Lucius couldn’t believe his excellent fortune. He’d previously thought that portkeys were strictly forbidden on campus. Finally, he was about to buy his one-way ticket out of this crazy land. It didn’t matter where the portkey took him, as long as it was away from this place.

Emmy smiled and nodded enthusiastically. There wasn’t any damn portkey, but it sounded like something that would get him moving along. “So yeah, better get going! You don’t want to waste a minute of this day. Remember, you’re allowed to make them stop by any means necessary! Bye-bye, have fun!" Emmy ran back into her office and slammed the door.

Lucius strode to her office door and tapped his cane on it.

Emmy opened the door a crack. “Yeah, what’s up?"

“The portkey," Lucius said impatiently.

“Yep, that’s right. Portkey!" Emmy shut the door.

But not before Lucius could jam his cane into it before she could shut it entirely. Lucius took a deep breath. He knew full well how this woman could be when pushed, and he needed this information. “Could you possibly, perhaps, tell me where it is," he said with a tight smile.

“Uhhhh," Emmy replied. She really hated it when he shoved that silvery snakehead in her face. Although she wondered if it were platinum. It might actually be worth something. But really, the way he thwacked it around, it didn’t seem as heavy as platinum would be. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to find out since—

“The portkey," Lucius repeated. It was no wonder that muggles were such an inferior species. Their minds so dull, their transportation methods so rudimentary, their women so obsessed with footwear…much like his wife. Dammit. Lucius sighed very impatiently. “Portkey. Just tell me where to find it."

“Right, so…." Emmy looked around for a moment. “Yeah, so it’s, um, not close."

“Where."

“So, okay, so…. So you walk down the driveway to the main road. Then you go north along the main road until you reach the bus stop."

“The bus stop is the portkey," Lucius said. Why hadn’t this occurred to him sooner? Leave it to muggles with minimally dangerous understanding of magic to make it so obvious.

“No," Emmy said. “You wait for the bus and then—“

“I will not ride a bus," Lucius said with total indignation.

“Well, you could walk, but it’s like 20 miles."

Lucius frowned. Then he held out his gloved hand. “The keys, if you will."

“Sure," Emmy said running to her desk and pulling out Darry’s car keys. “So you drive 20 or miles until you reach the bridge. Once you cross the bridge, turn left, then take the second driveway on your right. At the end of the driveway, you’ll find a bench. Sit down in the bench, look up, and you’ll see the portkey. It’s a giant P. For portkey, see."

“Very well," Lucius said, grabbing the keys from her hand and swiftly leaving the outer office. He had no time to lose.

~*~

“You are seriously lucky that he can’t AK your ass," Darry said from her lounge chair on the beach.

“What the crap else was I supposed to do," Emmy said, sucking down her margarita.

“Hey, has anyone seen my new stapler?" Kendra asked, frantically running along the beach.

“Here’s what I would have done," Darry said. “First, I would have—“

“I don’t want to know," Emmy said.

“Sparkly, glittery, silvery stapler??" Kendra asked desperately.

Darry shrugged, “Fine, whatever. But you had to go and mention ebay! You couldn’t have said Craigslist??"

“Oh please," Emmy flapped her hand. “He’ll never figure that one out. Besides, you should be thanking me that he’s out searching for a portkey instead of rearranging your spine."

Kendra stomped her foot. “Hel-lo! Am I invisible here??"

“Hmm, maybe I actually should be using Craigslist instead," Darry said, toying with the umbrella in her drink. “Local buyers, no more estimating shipping costs."

“My stapler! My brand new stapler!"

“Huh?" Emmy and Darry said, finally looking up at Kendra.

Kendra made an irritated noise. “My brand new silver, glittery stapler! It’s gone. The Gen just bought it for me for Christmas!"

“Oh. That," Emmy said. “I meant to talk to you about that."

“Ohmygod, WHAT!" Kendra said, sensing the impending doom.

“See, the things is…well…I think my PA may have smashed your new stapler," Emmy said, trying to put on her best estimation of an apologetic expression.

“May have? MAY HAVE?"

“Okay, so he did. But come on, it was shiny and silver!" Emmy said defensively.

“I can’t believe this! It was a BRAND NEW stapler! What did that beautiful stapler ever do to anybody?"

“You know how these wizardy people get with shiny, sparkly things," Emmy said.

Kendra’s eye began to twitch. “You have no idea how much that stapler meant to me."

Emmy grabbed for Darry’s bag and started rummaging through it. “I’m sure the Nurse has something in here that you might like."

“Get off!" Darry reached for her bag, as the Dean turned away from her.

“Oh yeah, check this out," Emmy said, pulling an obscenely large diamond and platinum necklace out of the bag. “Look how sparkly this is."

“Ooh," Kendra said.

“I bet it’s even prettier than your stapler."

“Ooh," Kendra said again.

Darry huffed and got up from her lounge chair, grabbing the contraband from the Dean’s grasp and shoving it back in the bag. “Forget it," Darry said. “It’s bad enough he’s already seen that," she said, pointing to Emmy’s bracelet. “Kendra, I’ll get you a new stapler, okay!" Then she paused. “Wait a minute, no I won’t! I don’t give a fuck, it’s the Dean’s problem," Darry said. “Jesus, I’m really getting rummy. I’m off to Hogwarts, bitches."

“Well, technically, it’s Delphi’s problem," Emmy said, ignoring Darry’s exit since she’d rather not think about the Nurse’s destination.

“He was under YOUR supervision when he broke my stapler!" Kendra exclaimed. “I demand full restitution."

“Fine, whatever. I’ll buy you a new stapler."

“And a paper shredder," Kendra added in a flash of inspiration. A gigantic paper shredder big enough to shred the phone book whole!"

“Awwwright, whatever," Emmy said, flapping her hand again and taking a big sip of her margarita.

“SWEET!" Kendra exclaimed with a jump, her imagination already filling with all the shreddable possibilities.

~*~

Lucius Malfoy hated the Dean. He hated her even more than the entire Weasley clan and Harry Potter combined. In fact, he’d go so far as to say he actually hated her more than the Weasley clan, Harry Potter, and his wife combined. Yes, it’s true. He hated the Dean just that much.

He had followed her directions to the portkey without fail. He sat on the bench at the end of the driveway, his cold, black heart filling with victory as he looked up and saw the giant P.

The wrought iron P on the wrought iron gate that read Princess Academy. He began to sputter and growl.

“Gimme a P!"

“P!"

“Gimme an A!"

“What’s that spell?!"

“P!A!"

Lucius’ head jerked in the direction of the infernal shrieking. Wait one bloody minute. He was a PA. He resented it to his core, but it was a title he bore nevertheless. He would not stand to be mocked by screeching muggles, no matter how highly that offensive wolf person spoke of cheerleader attributes and talents.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!"

“P!A!"

“What’s that stand for?!"

“PRINCESS ACADEMY!"

Lucius slowly rose to his feet and walked through the entrance of Princess Academy in that scary-slow manner of a Death Eater pushed too far.

~*~

“MY CAR!"

“Hmm," Emmy said, not even slightly distracted from her surfing of the Saks after-Christmas sale.

“You gave him my car," the Nurse said, appearing rather put out if rosy-cheeked from activities the Dean would never want to hear about.

“I already told you I gave him your car," Emmy replied, still clicking through the Versace fall clearance page.

“And I’m perfectly fine with my Master using the Bulgarian taxi, but—“

“Why are you here, too," Emmy said, finally looking away from her screen to find Darry and Ellie hands-on-hips in front of her.

“I ran out of dark chocolate cake frosting," Ellie continued. “What am I supposed to do? Send Han in the Falcon to Kroegers? I needed Viktor!"

“Like it’s my fault you didn’t keep an eye on your frosting supply," Emmy replied, glancing back to the computer screen.

“And now my car is full Dove Dark wrappers and smells of beef jerky," Darry said.

Emmy raised her eyebrow. “So, your car is back, right? What’s the big deal?"

“Emmy, please report to the pub."

All three Ho’s stopped their kvetching and looked around the Dean’s office for the source of the disembodied General’s voice.

“When did you install a speaker system?" Darry peeked behind a curtain. Something like that might come in handy somehow.

“I didn’t," the Dean said.

“Emmy, dear, please report to the pub."

All three Ho’s looked at each other to verify that the voice actually came from outside their heads and not from within. This couldn’t possibly be a Jedi mind whammy.

“You know," Darry started, “Snape did show Laure how to do that voice thing with a wand."

Emmy scrunched her face. “Why is he teaching her magic?"

“Do you really want to know?"

“No," Emmy said, quickly putting up a hand.

“Would the harpie who claims to run this place please get her little ass to the pub," came Logan’s disembodied voice.

“Oh shit," Ellie said, darting out of the office. “Logan got his hands on a wand!"

“This can’t end well," Emmy said, running after her.

Darry sighed and tapped her foot. “I guess I could use a martini."

~*~

“Emmy, could you possibleh have had anything to do with this," the General said, amused smirk on his face.

The Dean stared wide-eyed at the large plasma screen in the pub, the entire pub crowd held with rapt attention.

“Details are sketchy," the reporter said, “but several witnesses claim to have to seen a mysterious man dressed in black when the events transpired here at Princess Academy."

The video cut to the Princess Academy cheerleading squad jumping up and down screeching, “BA-KAAAAAWWWK!"

“School officials are troubled by this situation, as the cheerleading squad has been squawking like chickens for the past three hours," the reporter continued.

“This is AWESOME!" Emmy exclaimed.

“Oh my God, this is the coolest thing I’ve seen since we re-wired the slots," Ellie cackled.

“Other witnesses claim," the reporter continued, “that this mysterious man…let me see if I have this right," the reporter glanced down at her notes, “yes, witnesses said, and I quote, ‘the mean man conjured a gigantic clown’ that was approximately three stories high."

“Ooh," came a collective, shuddering response from the pub crowd.

“That’s just plain evil," Darry said, taking a sip of her martini.

“This is so awesome," Emmy repeated with glee.

“The mysterious man is described as being something between six and eight feet tall," the reporter said. “But we should point out that viewers calling and emailing in to our news tip line have given us leads on a possible secret LSD manufacturing facility within the confines of the campus itself. More on that story as details surface."

Delphi smiled and closed her laptop. “Death Eaters. So high maintenance."

“You know," Darry said, “all you need to do to keep these men happy is—“

“I got it covered," Delphi replied with slight annoyance, as though she needed any instruction! “The only thing standing between all of you and an AK on your ass is me. Don’t forget it."

~*~

The Dean hurried back to her office. This was turning out to be an outstanding day. Perhaps she’d purchase both the Versace bag and the black Burberry trench for her good work. She nearly tripped on her almost-evil boots when she discovered Lucius back at his desk.

“You!" She pointed at him.

Lucius sighed – no, hissed. The prospect of doing anything he wanted at Princess Academy had seemed like a vital stress reduction technique at the time until he had discovered that he couldn’t actually *kill* any of the princesses, no matter how many AK’s he threw at them. They just kept coming back like cockroaches or fembots. It was a bad day to be a Death Eater. Being pointed and shouted at by the Dean was the last thing he—

“You! Are a ROCKSTAR!"

Lucius cocked his head back as the Dean skittered over and plunked herself down on his desk. No one should skitter in almost-evil boots, he observed with disdain.

“Rock! Star!" she reiterated. “That was seriously the most awesome thing I have seen since…since…." Emmy chewed on her lip, trying to think of the last awesome thing she’d seen.

“You are sitting on my desk," Lucius replied with contempt.

“Technically, it’s my desk," the Dean pointed out with a grin. Nothing was going to spoil her good mood now! In fact… “You know what, you’ve been such an excellent employee today, that I think I should…uh…well, I can’t give you a raise since men aren’t allowed to have any of my money…uh…pizza? You want pizza? No? Okay, uh…. What do bosses do for good employees? I haven’t had a good employee in such a long time…well, never really…I mean, an elf could do your job, has done your job in the past."

Lucius glared at the Dean. An Elf? As brilliant, skilled, and masterfully in control as Lucius Malfoy? The mere suggestion was ridicu—

“Ice cream? I could get you ice cream! No? Cappuccino? No? Frappuccino! No? Jesus, you’re difficult to please."

“Just give him a blowjob already," the Nurse yelled from the hallway in passing.

“Shut it!" Emmy yelled back. “Okay so…wipe that smirk off your face, Daddio! Wait, I know!" Emmy slid off the desk, a look of victory on her face. “I’ll get you a new chair! Wait right here."

Lucius rolled his eyes – since there was no one around to witness it - as the Dean ran out of the office and out into the hallway. She returned a few moments later rolling an impressively comfortable-looking desk chair.

Lucius wrinkled his nose. “That is a used chair."

“Oh please, it’s not like Kendra ever does any work," Emmy said, rolling the chair at him until it clunked against his desk. “Good work, today," she said before hurrying back into her office before the Versace bag was sold out.

Lucius sighed. Normally the giving of alms would please him. But the Dean’s praise didn’t quite amount to the acknowledgment of his power and status. In fact, it didn’t bear any remote resemblance to that. It was more like the kind of praise one would heap upon on puppy. And Lucius hated puppies.

He kicked his old broken chair out of the way and replaced it with Kendra’s chair. He had to admit, it had excellent lumbar support. He bounced slightly, and it didn’t sink. He bounced harder, and it still didn’t sink. He pressed the lever under the seat, and the chair raised another five inches.

“Okay, so," the Dean reappeared from her office, “I’ve just ordered two more pairs of Louboutins so make sure you leave extra space in the database." She suddenly took notice of how much taller Lucius was in the new chair. In fact, he was eye level. This would never do. Emmy raised herself a little higher and tilted up her chin.

Lucius, pressed the lever again and raised another inch, slow smirk spreading on his face.

“I can take that back, you know," the Dean said.

“You just try it," Lucius said, low in his throat.

Emmy tapped her foot. It was so difficult having employees. “Sort them by color."

“What," Lucius snapped.

“Last name, then by color. Black then brown then red then green – are you writing this down? – then beige then silver then plum then…I think that’s it. Got it?" She turned on her heel and marched back into her office.

Lucius thwacked his desk with his cane since he was strictly forbidden to thwack the Dean. Only the Ho’s were permitted such leeway. What was more maddening to him is that he had no idea why he was so disempowered! A Death Eater unable to curse muggles! Who’d have heard of such malfeasance!

Lucius slumped back in his chair – since there was no one around to witness it – and removed his gloves, throwing them on the desk. Then he pulled up his sleeve and stared forlornly at the terribly faded Dark Mark on his forearm. He stared at it so long, he thought perhaps he could make it darken through sheer force of will.

“Dude, I know a place that can do a killer job on that for you."

Lucius, startled from his dark gloom, looked up to see the UPS delivery man standing next to him.

“Slave to the Needle," the UPS man said. “It’s right in town, down the street from the Crocodile Café. Ask for Steve. He’s a genius. He re-inked my dragon a few months ago."

Lucius nearly sputtered.

“See, check it out," the UPS man pulled up his sleeve to show Lucius the colorful Chinese dragon on his bicep. Then the UPS man glanced down at Lucius’ bare forearm. “That’s an awesome design. What is it?"

“It’s nothing," Lucius seethed, pulling his sleeve down quickly and grabbing the stylus to sign off the Dean’s mountain of deliveries. “Good day," Lucius shoved the stylus and pad back to the UPS man and madly began typing gobbledy gook on his keyboard like someone terribly busy and important until the UPS man retreated.

Then he banged on the keyboard and slumped back in his chair. How had it come to this? He had to get out of this place. Lucius stood and stormed out of the office.

And ran directly into Snape.

“Malfoy," Snape sneered.

“Snape," Lucius sneered back.

“And bring a bottle of wine back while you’re at it!" Laure’s voice rang down the hall.

Snape held his glare with Lucius, flinching only slightly.

But enough for Lucius to catch. Lucius smirked.

“Actually, bring back two bottles! No, four!"

Snape refused to lose his composure.

Lucius refused to stop smirking. “Why, Snape, you seem to have found your true calling."

“Oi! Daddio!" came the Dean’s dulcet tones. “I’m supposed to lug all these boxes into my office myself! Hel-lo!"

Snape smirked, “As have you, I see."

“Well then," Lucius said, face tightening with disgust.

“Well then," Snape said.

Both wizards quickly turned and went their separate directions. Lucius stalked around the corner, unsure of his final destination but knowing that Delphi would at least have dark chocolate and certain…favors…he would only receive under her roof. It was the Klingon that gave him grief. Lucius was well-versed in all forms of magical creatures, but the Klingon was neither magical nor muggle. This confounded Lucius, and Lucius hated being confounded. Almost as much as he hated puppies.

Lost in his ire, he rounded another corner and ran into Colonel Tavington. Lucius scowled and pulled back his shoulders. He did not care for this Colonel. He always seemed to be mocking Lucius. And Lucius would not stand for mocking.

Tavington scowled and pulled back his shoulders. He did not care for this Malfoy. He always seemed to be mocking Tavington. And Tavington would not stand for mocking.

“I said, you need to bring these packages into my office!" the Dean shouted down the hall, following Lucius just out of principle.

Lucius gave Tavington another quick glare and then stormed away before the Dean could find him.

“Which way did he go?" the Dean demanded of Tavington after tripping at an intersection of the hallways when she couldn’t decide which way he must have escaped.

Tavington just raised his eyebrows at the Dean. As much as he didn’t care for Malfoy, there was a code among men.

The Dean marched up to Tavington and put her hands on her hips. Really, there wasn’t any reason why Tavington couldn’t do Lucius’ work, highly interchangeable as they were. “I have an idea," she said.

“No," Tavington said. He turned and walked away from her.

“Oh that’s rich," Emmy said, terribly disgruntled.

“I told you," the Nurse said, suddenly appearing around the corner. “It’s not that difficult to make them behave if you—“

“I don’t want to hear it!" The Dean turned and marched toward the General’s office.

~*~

“Draco! I said stop!"

Lucius came to an abrupt halt just outside the Library.

“Draco! I mean it this time! Wait, not my pants! Dammit! I loved those pants!"

Lucius scowled. Why was a man’s voice yelling at his son about his pants?

“Don’t make me spank your dragon," came a softly lilting, also male, voice.

“Boys, really," came a distinct female voice. “He’s just a kid."

Lucius stormed through the door of the library, only to jump back in defense as a ball of fire flew at his head.

“Draco!" Dor yelled. “Be nice!"

Xani pouted, “Why don’t you ever yell at that beast when he’s setting me on fire?"

“Because you’re not a guest," Dor said. “And besides, you usually deserve it." Then Dor turned to Lucius. “Well, hello there."

Lucius looked at Dor and then looked at the dragon hovering above him.

“Don’t mind Draco," Dor said. “He’s still being trained. Hey, do you know any good dragon whisperers?"

Lucius sniffed. “I work for the Disposal of Magical Creatures," he said with emphasis.

“That’ll work," Xani said.

“Shut up," Dor said.

“Make me," Xani grinned.

Lucius turned and exited the Library. The confounding Klingon had warned him of this place, and he did not care to stick around to find out if the rumors were true. Particularly after that night in the pub when he talked Dor through a hair glossing spell after too much fire whiskey.

~*~

Lucius dialed the number he’d held in reserve for emergency situations. He wasn’t one to ever ask for help, but if there was one person who could at least give him wise counsel, it was this man. As close to a wizard as any he’d met in this infernal land.

“Hello! You have reached the voice mail for Emperor Palpatine. I am terribly sorry to have missed your call. Please do leave me a detailed message at the tone, and I will return your call as soon as I am able. If this is an emergency, please press zero to have your call redirected to my apprentice…."

Lucius’ finger hovered over the zero. He’d heard tales of this apprentice, but he was not certain what form this apprentice currently held. Lucius clenched a fist. He simply couldn’t risk that the apprentice was in BSB form.

“…if you are a member of the Rebel Alliance, please hold, your outpost will be destroyed momentarily. Have a pleasant day, and thank you for calling."

Lucius slammed down the receiver at the tone. There was only one option left to him. As much as he hated muggle transport, it may be his only chance.

He pulled up orbitz.com and clicked on flights. He had to get to London. His troubles would be over if he could just…well, that was a bit of an overstatement. There was the whole wife problem.

Lucius frowned.

No matter, he was going to London!

The From space stared him down. Lucius typed HSU. Then entered Heathrow in the To box.

PLEASE RE-ENTER YOUR DEPARTURE. LOCATION NOT RECOGNIZED, the screen screamed in red.

Lucius tapped his cane on the floor. He hadn’t the foggiest idea where he actually was. However, he did know there was an airport in Estrogen County since the Klingon often complained of its inferiority to Klingon stations. Lucius couldn’t disagree with him on that point.

With a flash of inspiration, Lucius walked into the Dean’s vacant office and began rifling through her UPS packages to find an address. One of the packages read:

Ho State University
Estrogen County

Lucius threw it down and grabbed another package. And then another. They all had the same, nondescript address. He then looked through all the stationery, but all it contained was a highly impressive – even Lucius had to admit that – logo design.

He huffed and walked back to his desk. He would simply call UPS and ask them his precise location.

“For shipping, please press one. For delivery, please press two."

Lucius pressed two.

“For Spanish, please press one. For Chinese, please press two."

Lucius’ hand hovered above the phone.

“For Korean, please press three. For Arabic, please press four."

Lucius sighed.

“For Russian, please press five. For English, please stay on the line and your call will be transferred shortly."

Lucius pounded his fist on the desk.

“If your shipment arrived damaged, please press one. If your shipment has not arrived at all, please press two."

Lucius waited for another option.

“If your shipment arrived damaged, please press one. If your shipment has not arrived at all, please press two," the robotic voice repeated.

Lucius growled.

“Please make a selection."

Lucius pressed five just because.

“I’m sorry, that is an invalid selection. If your shipment arrived damaged, please press one. If you shipment has not arrived at all, please press two."

“I just want the bloody address!" Lucius yelled.

“Transferring your call to a live representative."

Lucius perked up.

“Please hold, and our next available customer service representative will be with you shortly. Your hold time is approximately…thirty-seven minutes."

Lucius blew out an angry breath. Thirty-seven minutes. Yes, he was a masterful wizard and acclaimed Death Eater. He could wait thirty-seven minutes. He hit the speaker phone button and put down the receiver.

He could do this. All he had to do was play some online Scrabble to kill the time.

“We appreciate your business. Our next available customer service representative will be with you shortly. Your hold time is approximately…fifty-eight minutes."

“What!" Lucius glared at the phone. “This is an outrage!"

“I’m sorry, that is an invalid selection."

“I didn’t make any bloody selection!"

“Thank you for contacting UPS today. Good-bye."

Lucius roared as the line clicked dead, grabbing his cane and smashing the phone with it. He puffed angered locks of hair out of his eyes. Fine. He would just go directly to the airport and buy a ticket to London with the Dean’s American Express number.

~*~

The ticket purchase at the airport had been simple enough. When the attendant asked for his identification, he simply pulled out the fraudulent passport that Delphi made for him after the Dean had a random bad hair and threatened to report him on an immigration violation. And it would take the Dean at least a day to realize her Black American Express card was missing since she already had the account number memorized.

So now, Lucius Malfoy, dark wizard extraordinaire, stood in the security line at the airport, surrounded by muggles wearing Birkenstocks and sweatpants with JUICY on their unsightly derrieres. It was demeaning, and he eyed them all with contempt so they wouldn’t dare speak to him. Fortunately, he’d purchased an entire first class row on the Dean’s card, so he wouldn’t have to be troubled during the flight.

“Sir, you’ll have to remove your shoes."

Lucius glared at the security woman who held a cheap plastic bin up to his face.

“And the cape. And that. What is that?" She pointed to his cane. “Security check!" she yelled over her shoulder.

Lucius bristled. “It is a cane, as you can see clearly enough. And I will not remove my shoes."

“Sir, you’ll have to use the disability-access line. I need a body scanner over here!" she yelled over her shoulder again.

“This is outrageous!" Lucius pulled the wand from the cane.

“WEAPON!" the guard yelled as a mass of agents threw down cheap plastic bins and converged on the Death Eater.

~*~

Lucius stormed out of the airport. When the security team converged on him, he had no choice but to immobolus every single person in the terminal area and then oblivate them all for a while. Unfortunately, what he didn’t immediately realize was that his flight crew had also been oblivated, so no one knew how to fly his plane.

One top of that, he had to spend an inordinate amount of time frying security cameras, only being familiar with their form due to Worf’s incessant security obsession. Since he didn’t actually know how the damn muggle contraptions worked, he pretty much fried every camera/monitor/wiring in his sight.

So, in effect, Lucius Malfoy shut down the entire flight system in the region. It did not behoove him to hang around the airport any longer than he had to.

However, a moment of genius struck as he shoved a stray baggage cart out of his way on the sidewalk. Of course! Why hadn’t he thought of it sooner?

While he couldn’t apparate from HSU, he was, by now, far from campus. All he would have to do is apparate himself back home! Damn these muggles for fogging his extraordinary wizardly ways all this time.

Lucius walked through the parking garage, setting off alarms and flattening tires just because he felt like he deserved to do that after the day he was having. He made his way to the roof level of the garage to make sure he had enough clearance. One couldn’t be too careful in a muggle world full of trickery.

With a clever smirk, he pulled out his wand and apparated home.

And landed with a sturdy thud on a fine, highly polished floor. Finally. Home. Lucius smiled and then looked up.

To find that he was standing in front of his desk in the Dean’s office.

The rage of a thousand Death Eaters filled Lucius’ soul.

“Hey! Where the hell have you been?"

If flames could have shot from his eyes, the Dean would have been toast.

“Just look at all the work that’s piled up while you’ve been out galavanting around," she said. “Don’t give me that look, I got you a new chair and everything. Except Kendra took it back, so I dunno what you’re going to do now." With that, the Dean turned and went back into her inner office.

Lucius stewed. And huffed. And cursed everyone and everything under the sun. Only an advanced wizard could have bound him so. It had to be that damn wolf. Sure, Snape wouldn’t shed any tears to see him leave campus, but only some do-gooder Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor would have the gall - not to mention the time since do-gooders had nothing better to do – to create such sophisticated wards to bind Lucius to campus.

He thwacked the desk with his cane, the entire side of the desk now pocked with infuriated silver snake bites. Then his eyes landed upon a note power-stapled to his monitor, scrawled in hurried cursive:

Dear Death Eater,
I aint skeered of you. Touch my chair again and lose that cane. And I don’t mean the one you have in your hand right now!!! (Unless you’re doing something gross and if you are stop it!)

Lucius thwacked his desk again, ignored the Dean’s scolding for it, and marched out the office. He needed a drink.

Except when he arrived in the pub, who should he see but none other then the damn wolf attempting to charm the bartender. Lucius snorted and turned on his heel.

He strode out of the building and down the driveway, giving no thought to anyone in his path. As soon as he passed through the campus gates, he apparated to Hooters.

~*~

Lucius grimaced as he choked down the cheap muggle whiskey. But he could think of nothing else to do at the moment, short of self-implosion, and he knew of no other pub. Frankly, he had no idea what Hooters actually was, having only heard Logan speak of it. It didn’t sound like it could possibly be all that bad.

“Hi there!"

Lucius glanced over at the woman with dirty blonde hair and a hopeful expression. Oh, what fresh hell was this?

“Is this seat taken?"

“Yes," he said, turning back to his drink.

“You’re not from around here are you?"

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger

Lucius ignored the prattling muggle and ordered another whiskey to try and drown her out, along with the blaring jukebox.

But she ain't messin' with no broke nig--

“You look like one of those Europeans."

Lucius focused really, really hard on not breaking the glass in his hand.

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger

“My sister’s been to Europe," the woman continued, jumping up on the stool next to him. “She’s a model. She was always the pretty one. Dark hair, big brown eyes."

But she ain't messin' with no broke nig--

Lucius suddenly thought of Delphi. She never prattled on this much. And she had chocolate-covered favors. And she smelled much better than this place. Quite a lot better actually. Not like smoke and peanuts. Why were there peanut shells on the floor? What was wrong with these muggles?

The woman shook her hair. “But, ya know, people always told me that I could be a model, too, ya know."

Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)

And he and Worf had at least bonded over their mutual disdain for the Dean.

“So I was thinkin’ maybe I should bleach my hair, ya know? Cause if I were a true blonde, then I’d be more distinctive. Like you…"

18 years, 18 years

“My sister, she married this really important guy. My parents LOVE him. But she always got what she wanted ‘cause she was the pretty one, like I said."

She got one of your kids got you for 18 years

And yes, the Dean prattled on to an annoying extent as well, but at least she wore almost-evil boots. And he couldn’t help but notice that she wore expensive lingerie every time she had to crawl under her desk to retrieve stray M & M’s, which was at least an improvement over having to look at Cornelius Fudge every day.

The woman scooted a little closer to Lucius. “So my parents tried to set me up with this guy so that I could get married, too, but it didn’t work out. He just wasn’t exciting enough, ya know."

She went to the doctor got lypo with your money

“Besides, if I found a man EVEN BETTER than my sister’s husband, then I’d REALLY show them."

If you aint no punk, holla we want pre-nup!
WE WANT PRE-NUP! YEAH!

“So? Whaddya think?" she said, jabbing Lucius on the arm.

“What," he said sharply, turning to glare at her. He had a spell for Dementors, but not for this?

'Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half

“Don’t ya think I’d look better as a platinum blonde?"

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger

Lucius blinked at the woman.

But she ain't messin' with no broke nig--

“I think you and me would make a real nice pair, don’t you think?"

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger

And then Lucius thought of that diamond and emerald bracelet the Dean was wearing. The bracelet HE bought Narcissa with HIS money, and it clearly wasn’t being looked after since it ended up in the hands of ebay muggles!

But she ain't messin' with no broke nig--

“I bet you come from a real nice family," the woman said, petting his sleeve.

Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)

And like a bat out of hell – literally – Lucius apparated out of Hooters and back to campus.

~*~

The Dean was sitting at her desk, madly typing an email to the cable company to complain about her fuzzy Bravo signal that they’d attempted to fix three times but to no avail. How could she possibly be expected to watch Project Runway with lines running down the middle of the screen?

“Greeting, citizens of Rome!" came Commo’s voice from the open window.

“Oh Jesus Christ," Emmy mumbled under her breath.

“I stand before you today to decree—“

“THAT YOU SHOULD SHUT THE HELL UP!" Emmy yelled out the window.

“Arrest that woman!" Commo yelled, pointing up to the Dean’s window. “For treason, heresy, and…and…."

“YEAH, YOU AND WHAT ARMY, NAPOLEON?" the Dean yelled back.

“Darling, did she just accuse me of being Gaul?" Commo exclaimed indignantly.

Emmy huffed and stood from her chair and walked out to give Lucius her printed email to file in her Complaints drawer, which pretty much took up the entire file cabinet.

“I haven’t any fondness for the French, I’ll agree with him there," Lucius muttered under his breath to amuse himself.

“Oh please," Emmy snapped. “All day long he’s wah wah wah, but am I allowed to do anything about it? Nooooooo. No hitting, Emmy. No poisoning, Emmy. No setting him on fire, Emmy. Wah wah boo hoo! I am the Dean of this stupid campus, I should be able to hit, poison, and immolate anyone I choose!"

Intrigued, Lucius arched a brow as the Dean swiftly retreated to her office. “There are…other means of implementing…justice," he drawled.

Emmy came to a halt and slowly backed up until he was in eyesight again. “Other means?"

“Indeed."

“But you’re not allowed to Unforgiveable."

“Other means."

“Or to injure, maim, bruise…okay, maybe bruise, I dunno, but—“

“Other means," he repeated with greater emphasis.

Emmy blinked at Lucius for a few moments. Then she looked out into the hallway. “In my office," she said with a jerk of her head.

Lucius smirked and walked into the Dean’s office as she shut the door behind him. He then promptly walked around her desk and sat proudly in her GDC.

“Um, hello, get out of my ch—“

“Do you wish to discuss this?" Lucius gave her a steady glare.

The Dean thought for a moment. “Okay fine, just this once," she said, taking the seat across from him. “I mean it!" she added, noting the smug expression on Lucius’ face.

~*~

“What is going on here?" Laure demanded.

“I dunno, but you have to admit, the view is nice," Logan replied, ogling down the shirts of Ho’s bent over staring at the floor.

“I want this thing off my floor," Judy demanded. “Get me my bat!"

“Yes, Master," Kendra replied, hurrying over to the bar.

“No bat!" Laure yelled, pushing the other Ho’s out of the way to get a good view of Commo in his suit armor splayed out on the floor.

“Darling!" Commo said, a smile of relief spreading across his face. “Would you give me a hand?"

“Why are you laying on the floor?" Laure sighed, reaching for his armored arm and yanking on it, but it refused to budge from the floor.

“I was patrolling with my men," Commodus explained. “I simply lost my footing, darling."

Laure hunched down to grab Commo by his armored shoulders to push him up, but still no luck. Then she stood and glared at the Ho’s, “Alright, who super glued my Emperor to the floor??"

“Who super glued my floor to Commo!" Judy demanded, wielding her bat in a threatening manner.

“Whoa, calm down," Jael said, holding up her hands (but only momentarily, of course, as they had previously been attached to Bond). “I’m sure no one would super glue your floor. Where would we get our booze?"

The Dean tried really, really, really hard to keep an innocent expression. It was a true statement, after all.

Remus, who had been quietly observing the scene the entire time, finally removed his wand upon seeing Judy’s pained expression and made sure he had some chocolate at the ready.

A moment later, Commo began clattering around on the floor. “All is well, darling," he proclaimed as Laure helped him up. “You needn’t have worried about me. You’re such a dear to do so."

Laure exhaled loudly. “How many times have I told you not to climb into this suit?"

“But darling, only a suit such as this befits a man of my station," Commo explained proudly.

Judy was down on all fours, running her hands across the floor. “Okay. It seems okay. I don’t feel any damage. I think it’s okay. We’re okay. Everything is okay."

“Don’t worry, just a binding spell attached to the suit, not to the floor," Remus said, helping her up and handing her a large block of chocolate.

Laure’s eyes narrowed.

“It wasn’t me," Remus said, hands raised.

“I know," Laure said. “Excuse me, I need to go have a word with a certain wizard."

~*~

The Dean walked happily back to her office, almost whistling. She opened her office door and discovered that Lucius had found the LaZBoy function on her GDC and was napping as if he owned the place.

“HEY!" Emmy shouted. “Out of my chair, you!"

Without missing a beat, Lucius caught his cane as it fell from his chest, methodically opened his eyes, lowered the chair, and stood. He may have been awkwardly startled by the shrill command, but he sure wasn’t going to let her know that.

Emmy shoved past him and sat in her GDC, rightfully claiming it as her property. And then she grinned. “Oh my God, that was the BEST. He ended up stuck to the pub floor. And, naturally, Snape is the prime suspect."

Lucius smirked.

“This is perfect. No one would ever think you’d help me do anything magical," Emmy said with a smile.

“Precisely," Lucius replied. “And I wouldn’t," he added with emphasis to make sure the Dean knew that. It was merely an opportunity for him to put Snape in the dog house, as the muggles liked to say.

“I can live with that," the Dean replied, knowing full well that the only opportunities Lucius would have to misbehave would be through information she gave him.

“You don’t have another choice," Lucius said.

“Oh really?"

“Really."

The Dean pouted.

Lucius smirked again.

“DEAN!" Laure yelled from the hallway.

“I’m not here," Emmy said to Lucius, attempting to hide behind her desk.

“She’s in there," Lucius said to Laure.

“You are a terrible partner," Emmy groused.

“Partner," Lucius said with a huff. “You flatter yourself."

Emmy grabbed her phone as a text chimed in from the Nurse: tld u! BJ = :))))

“How the crap does that woman know EVERYTHING I do!"

The End