Title: The Ringer
Author: Emmy
Rating: Grammy-worthy
Warnings: Obviously don’t own any of the music, but no violation is intended by posting lyrics (well, no COPYRIGHT violation, anyway).
Disclaimer: Ringtone assignments are at the sole discretion of the author and may not be changed without express permission of the Dean and a majority vote of HSU faculty and staff. Or a substantial bribe.

Emmy took a pleasant, slow sip of her margarita, and then leaned back and stretched out her legs on the chaise. She closed her eyes and even enjoyed some direct sun rays thanks to the 80 SPF sunblock she'd just purchased at Target.

She sighed contentedly, listening to the lapping of the lake, the chirping of the birds, and Kendra yelling at the pirates to get their stupid boat off her fountain jets.

Well, you're dirty and sweet
Clad in black, don't look back, and I love you
You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah

"Huh?" Emmy quickly sat up as she heard that noise coming from her beach bag.

Well you dance when you walk
So let's dance, take a chance, understand me
You're dirty, sweet and you're my girl

She plunged her hand into the bag and pulled out her blaring iPhone.

Get it on, bang a gong, get it on
Get it on, bang a- -

"You changed my ring tone!" Emmy yelled with disbelief.

"Oh good, you're there!"

"You can't just change my ring tone!"

"Oh, of course I can. It's quite simple," Sirius said. "I'd be happy to show you how- -"

"I know how to change my farking ring tone!" Emmy said, cursing herself for not returning the iPhone he'd bought for her.

"Oh."

"Whaddya want?"

"I was planning on going into town with my new friend, Logan," Sirius said happily.

"Oh great."

"I just wanted to let you know," he said.

Emmy sighed. "Where are you going?"

"It's called...oh, what was that? Something to do with owls?"

"Hooters?" Emmy said with complete disgust.

"Oh yes, that's it!" Sirius said. "Harry's going with us, too."

Emmy shook her head. "Harry can't go with you."

"Why can't Harry go with us?"

"Why can't I go with you?" came Harry's muffled voice.

"He's not legal," Emmy said.

"She says you're not legal."

"But you don't have to be legal to go to Hooters!"

"He says you don't have to be legal to go to- -"

"I heard him," Emmy said. "He still can't go."

"She says you still can't go."

"She's not my mum!"

"Isn't that the truth."

"Hey! I'm still here," Emmy protested.

"Oh, hi," Sirius said.

"Just do whatever, I don't care," Emmy said, quickly pressing the off button on her iPhone. She tossed it back into her bag and folded her arms while grumbling to herself. She tapped her fingers against her arm. Then she looked at her bag.

~*~

I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

"Right so, who else would be fun to bring along?"

You shut your mouth
How can you say

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Harry asked.

I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved

"Oh right, I always forget that part!" Sirius scrambled for the phone.

Just like everybody else does

"Hello, missus!"

"Listen up, you," came the Dean's mellifluous voice. "You don't touch anything, got it?"

"Errr..." Sirius scratched his head while shrugging at his godson. "Not quite sure I follow."

"You go to Hooters, you have your little male bonding fun. But no touching anything."

Sirius frowned thoughtfully, eyes popping open a bit. "There's touching at this Hooters?"

"No, there's no touching of any kind, understand?"

"So," Sirius paused while he brain performed some interesting calculations, "if I don't touch anything there, that means that here with you I'd get to- -"

"Slow your roll, Marauder," Emmy said.

Sirius rubbed his cheek and made another move. "Would you be jealous if I touched something there?"

"Don't push me, Black."

"But- -"

"You've already eaten all my Sun Chips and half my cupcakes. Do not push me."

"But you told me to eat," Sirius said, now raising his arm in a bigger shrug as Harry just rolled his eyes.

"What did I say?"

"Uh, which time?" Sirius asked.

"No touching."

"Right, got it. I was wondering, though, if...." Sirius pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at the screen, which read: Call Disconnected. He sighed and cleared the screen. "Not sure I've got the hang of this yet."

"Good luck with that," Harry said.

~*~
Back in black
I hit the sack
It's been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging- -

"Yup?" Logan said as he answered his phone. "Yup. Yup. Yup. Okay, bub. Bye."

"Who was that?" Ellie asked, eyes focused on the Haywire line.

"Going to Hooters with the guys," Logan said, picking up his jacket.

"Whatever," Ellie said.

"You're jealous, aren't you?" he said with a grin.

"Pppff, yeah right. Of that?" Ellie hit the Max Bet button.

Logan frowned slightly, wondering what it would take to make his Ho wild with jealousy as he stalked out of the casino.

~*~

I am an antichrist
I am an anarchist
Don't know what I want but
I know how to get it

"Yeah?" Spike grabbed the remote and turned down the volume on Passions. "Yeah?" he repeated, although with much more intrigue. "Yeah, mate. I'll be right there." He clicked off the TV and looked around for his boots.

"What are you doing?" Laure asked.

"Do you really wanna know?"

Laure gave him a look. "No, not really."

"Peace out," he said as he walked out of the room.

"Hmm," Laure said rather happily, as it was one less bit of trouble she'd have to worry about that evening.

~*~

Manamana!
Doo doo doo doo doo
Manamana!
Doo doo doo doo
Manamana!
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo
Doo doo d- -

"Lieutenant Commander Worf here." Worf grabbed the remote and turned down the volume on Passions. "Hello, Sirius Black. No, I have not been to the establishment called Hooters, but I have heard tales about its activities, and I would anticipate unrest in an establishment such as that. I'll be right there. Understood."

Worf decided it was best to communicate a message to Delphi regarding his whereabouts, so he left her a hand-written note that she wouldn't be able to respond to until she returned from her afternoon at the beach. It read: Responding to request for backup in town.

Then he glared at Lucius, who seemed to be tormenting himself over an Excel spreadsheet. "I am accompanying the other men into town. You are not invited."

Lucius scoffed and gave his hair an elitist shake.

~*~

Wanna cry
Sanna croon
Wanna laugh like a loon
It's that old devil moon

"Hello, Sirius," Remus said as he worked on the Daily Prophet crossword puzzle while Judy perfectly aligned her glasses. "No, I've not been there, and I really have no interest in- - No. No. Harry? Sirius, I think that's a bad idea. He is just a boy. Yes, I'm aware of what he does in the Clinic. I live there, remember? You might want to look in the mirror. I mean that it's not as though you are welcome to live with Emmy! Sirius, I think it's a bad idea to just impose yourself like that. Have you seen the shoes she wears? I'd really rather not. No. No. No. Alright, fine. Harry needs at least one responsible adult in attendance."

"What's up?" Judy asked.

"I think you'd be happier not knowing." Remus shifted in his chair as Judy gave him a look. "Sirius is rounding up the menfolk for a trip to Hooters."

Judy raised an eyebrow.

"And he's taking Harry."

Judy rolled her eyes. "He's a bit off."

"You've no idea."

~*~

Colours of the world (spice up your life!)
Every boy and every girl (spice up your life!)
People of the world (spice up your life!)
Aaaaah!

Colours of the world (spice up your life!)
Every boy and every g- -

"Yeah!" Darry said, adjusting her clothing after having run and tripped to where she'd dropped her phone. "You're going where? With who?" She glanced into the pantry to see Draco still in there. "Oh Jesus. You promise that Remus is going. Put that godfather of yours on." Darry examined her manicure. "Right, he's home by midnight. He doesn't drive the bike. In fact, he doesn't even ride the bike. He can ride with Worf in the Hummer. Oh, bloody hell, not that kind of hummer, you imbecile. Calm down. It's an armored vehicle. Right. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind of you of the scorch marks on your shirt. Good. I'm glad we understand each other." Darry hung up and randomly tossed her phone aside.

"Grab the Nutella, Blondie. We're going to have to entertain ourselves for a little while."

~*~

Yo ho ho!
A pirate's life for me!
Yo ho ho!
A pirate's life for me!
Yo ho ho!

"'Allo?" Captain Jack grabbed the remote and turned down the volume on Passions. "Aye? Aye? Aye? Hmmm, sounds like a chance to be boarded, mate. I'm in! Of course I'm in! I'll be right--- D'OH!" Jack exclaimed as he tripped in his excitement, fell down the stairs, hit the deck with a thud, and his phone bounced out of his hand and right into the drink. He jumped up and yelled overboard, "I'll be right there!" Just in case the phone was still functioning at the bottom of the lake.

~*~

TWO HOURS LATER

I am the son and the heir
Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong- -

"Sirius Black, totally hot guy extraordinaire! Oh, hi luv. No, no, we were just having a laugh since Logan can overhear everything all the women are saying. No, there aren't that many women. Well, I don't know why I said all the women. It's just a manner of speaking. What do you mean? Don't be cross. I'm not trying to tell you what to- - Don't be cross. Please? Did I tell you how beautiful you are and that being here is much better than being dead? Yes, it is supposed to be a compliment! Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. But all my friends are here! Yes. Yes. I promise. Yes. Did I tell you that you smell really nice? There aren't any owls here, by the way. I was confused about that. But there are plenty of birds! Wait..." Sirius looked at the screen that read: Call Disconnected.

Logan snorted and slapped Sirius on the shoulder. "You are so screwed."

~*~

TWO MORE HOURS LATER

"You! In the HumVee! You! In the HumVee! You! In the HumVee! You! In the HumVee! You! Carry him to the HumVee! You! Get off that bike and into the HumVee! You! Three minutes til curfew! Into the HumVee! No, I won't write you a note!"

~*~

Emmy groaned as a loud banging noise awakened her. She rolled over when it stopped and closed her eyes. And then it started again. She tried pulling a pillow over her head, but the banging continued. She looked at the clock and saw that it was 1:35 am.

And then Lasher started barking.

She grunted as she kicked off the covers and got out of the bed, finally realizing that the banging was coming from her front door. "If that boy who lived is peddling magazines again..." Emmy yawned and rubbed her eyes as she padded across the floor. She looked through the peephole and then opened the door rather angrily.

"Hello, gorgeous!"

Emmy put out her hand as Sirius tried to walk in. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Welllll.... I was out, and now I’m back!" he declared, holding his arms out.

"You smell like smoke."

He leaned forward, slightly wobbly. "I'll have a bath then. You could help me," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Ugh," Emmy said, scrunching up her face. "Is this a...booty call??"

"Oh!" he said, raising his finger. "I've heard of those! Thought you'd never ask." And then he grinned.

And Emmy promptly slammed the door in his face, turned all the locks, and walked back to her bedroom.

~*~

10:00 THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Well, you're dirty and sweet
Clad in black, don't look back, and I love you
You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah

"Goddammit," Emmy grumbled, having forgotten to change her ringtone. "What?"

"May I come in?"

Emmy set down her chai and marched over to her front door and looked out the peephole. "Give me one good reason."

"I need a bath and a change of clothes."

Emmy pondered and made a mental note to build a bath house somewhere on campus, so she wouldn't have to be bothered all the time.

"Please?"

"Fine," she said, opening the door roughly so it hit the wall, and she turned and walked back to her tea. "You're going to have to burn that coat to get the smell out."

"Oh, I have a nice spell for that," he said.

"I'm sure you do," she said, turning her back on him.

"Although I could use some new clothes."

Never one to miss an opportunity, Emmy turned back to face him. "Bathe. Then we'll shop."

"Really?"

"Go."

~*~

"All ready," Sirius said, walking into Emmy's living room an hour later.

She looked up from her Elle Décor and frowned at his brown pinstriped suit.

"What's wrong now?"

"That's a terrible suit."

Sirius looked down. "I like this suit."

"I noticed."

"I thought the brown would go nicely with your dress. Plus, my shirt is purple, too," he said, going into wounded puppy mode for the 4,962nd time since his arrival on campus.

"This isn't the prom," Emmy said, tossing her magazine on the sofa and grabbing her new burgundy Versace bag.

"What's a prom?"

Emmy sighed. "Let's go."

~*~

"Now I understand why you Muggles drive these contraptions!" Sirius exclaimed with a joyous laugh as Emmy took a hard, fast turn in her Infiniti G35 coupe.

Emmy gave him a sideways glare just because.

"Am I not supposed to be enjoying this?" Sirius frowned. He wondered if there was some sort of HSU Handbook that might be helpful.

~*~

"Oh, I quite like this," Sirius said, making a beeline toward a burgundy velvet jacket.

"That's a woman's jacket," Emmy said.

"I'm sure it would fit me."

Emmy glared. "You are shopping in the men's department, got it? This is Nordstrom. You will buy men's clothing."

"Okay yes. Understandable." Sirius replaced the jacket on the rack. He actually didn't understand it, but these Muggle women were so particular about clothing, so he thought it best not to argue.

"Here, try this," Emmy said, tossing a shirt at him. "And this. And this. And this."

Sirius caught every item thrown at him. He looked around the department as she browsed. "I wouldn't want to wear that," he said, pointing toward a mannequin in a sky blue Polo shirt.

"Don't worry, you won't have to," she said.

"Oh good."

Sirius wandered a bit more, merely observing. While it seemed that Emmy was selecting items that suited his style, he thought it best to let her make the selections until he got the hang of it.

As he rounded a rack and walked into the aisle that separated the Brass Rail from the Brass Plum, he caught the attention of three giggling Muggles. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Emmy still sorting through shirts for him. And then he looked back at the girls, who were all now facing him. Naturally, he had to smile.

All three of them giggled.

"Wow, I really like your suit," one of them said before giggling again.

Sirius looked down. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," the one next to her snorted. "I think I saw that in my dad's closet."

Somewhere, mere yards away, the Dean's Princess radar began to ping.

Sirius smiled. "I'm quite fond of it myself."

"So," the third one said, taking a step forward. "Is that real polyester?" she asked, reaching out to touch his lapel, as her two friends snickered behind her.

"Oh." Sirius paused, feeling slightly confused. "I'm sure it's wool."

"Um," the Princess said, "The seventies called. They want their suit back. And that brown...well, it's sort of the color of...."

"You want to finish that sentence to my face?"

The two princesses in the background gasped and backed up slightly.

Sirius looked from Emmy to the girls and then back to Emmy again as the climate began to change.

"He's," the lead Princess snickered, "with you?"

"What a lovely manicure," Emmy said, taking hold of the Princess' finger and slowly removing it from Sirius's lapel. "It'd be a shame to lose it. I've heard that acrylic is very painful when forcibly removed."

The Princess gasped in offense. "These are real!"

"Just like your polyester hair extensions?" Emmy said, shifting her eyes to faux innocence.

"How dare you!"

"A dare?" Emmy said, taking a step forward in her new Louboutins. "I love a good dare," she said in a low tone. "Go ahead," Emmy's eyes narrowed in on the Princess. "Dare me."

Sirius smirked. This was certainly intriguing.

"No?" Emmy said, making her eyes wide and batting her lashes slightly, her mouth forming a soft pout. "Alright then, here's a dare for you," she said in a scary-sweet voice. "I dare you to diss on my man to my face. Go ahead." Emmy shifted forward slightly. "Bring it." Then she smirked as the Princesses began to back away very slowly. "Is that all you got?" Emmy huffed a sigh and turned around to face Sirius. "Princesses," she said with a roll of her eyes. "All bark, no buuuhhhmmnnngghhhh...."

A few moments later, Emmy pushed Sirius off, her five-inch heels feeling slightly wobbly all of a sudden. "Woo," she sighed, smoothing down her hair.

"There's much more where that came from," he said in her ear as the security guard started following them around.

"Right, then," she said, then clearing her throat. "Let's pay. I think I left everything in an angry pile on the floor over here."

~*~

"And then, they wore these orange shorts that were barely bigger than knickers," Harry explained enthusiastically.

"I want to go to Hooters, too," Draco complained.

"No," Darry said, as she attempted to arrange their limbs the way they had them before Four Eyes started yammering on about his previous night's adventures.

"That's not fair, if Potter got to do it, why can't I?"

"I'll give you something that he doesn't get to do right now, how's that?"

"Yes, please."

"Hey, no fair."

The End