Title: Scoop
Rating: HOTP (hot of the press)
Disclaimer: Right, I’ve just decided they’re all mine and I’m gonna make as much dosh off this as I can.
Kendra had just left for her all-expenses paid trip to Las Vegas. Legolas sighed and sat down in her chair re-reading the list she had left for him.
He hadn’t even had time to glance up and sigh heavily when someone started shouting into the office.
"Elf!" Judy walked through the door, holding a thin, dangerous-looking knife. "Where are my limes?"
Legolas blinked at her.
"Do you realise how many limes I go through in a week? Where’s the order Kendra placed?"
Legolas looked down until his eyes came to rest unhappily at number 6 on Kendra’s list. Judy followed this action and quickly scanned the entire list upside-down (Ho’s were good at that sort of thing).
"Nevermind. I’ll improvise," the Bartender said curtly and stormed back out in a cloud of citrus and tequila-smelling vapour.
~*~
Darry made her way to the HSU garage. She was hoping her spare pair of sunglasses were still in her car. Provided her car was still on campus. And in one piece. She wanted to watch the match scheduled in a few minutes and couldn’t find her regular pair of shades, which were no doubt filed away somewhere.
Oddly enough, her car was where it should be. When she opened the door, a torrent of cockroaches flooded out of the car and all over her Reeboks.
"Oh, terrific," Darry muttered. She leaned into the Beemer to grab the spare shades from the glasses holder.
Shades in hand, she crunched her way out of the garage. Most of the insects clamoured around the garage looking for shelter, but one steadfastly followed the Nurse.
~*~
"Time to go," the Dean insisted, trying to push her EA off her desk.
"I can’t go now," Sirius insisted. "I have to find out what happens to Ginny and Willow in this crossover fic." He stalwartly refused to move even when Emmy began swatting him with the business end of Darry’s broom.
"You do not need to find out. You’re just going to get annoyed and shout at me about how ridiculous people are and how that would never happen in real life and I’m not sure I want to deal with another afternoon of your whatevers." Emmy slammed the laptop down on her EAs fingers. "Now come, on! You agreed to referee this match and I agreed I’d go and watch you, so you’re bloody well going!"
The Marauder followed his Ho out of the office trying to explain he wouldn’t have anymore fanfic whatevers now that he’d discovered femslash.
~*~
It took the roach most of the morning to get from the Garage to the Admin Building. It bristled around the heavy oak door and finally conceded defeat. The door did not have the standard gap between the wood and the ground. Since Noe had finished her energy audit, she had placed brush skirts at the bottom of every door she could get her hands on. The double glazed windows alone saved the University (or rather the Government of Naboo) $3,000 per anum and if Dor refrained from burning any more fossil fuels in the Library, they might even get their "Healthy Working Environment" certification from the EPA.
Regardless, those measures effectively made it impossible for any unwanted insect to enter the building, which was exactly what Ellie was aiming for, regardless of Noe’s agenda. The roach crept back behind the building and transfigured into a not-so-mild-mannered reporter with platinum curls and a tweed pencil skirt. She quickly sauntered back to the front of the building, opened the door, walked through it and transfigured back into roach form before someone could say "a good case for libel".
Now inside the building, it occurred to Rita that she was going to have to wait for someone to open the other doors for her. Luckily, the Admin Building was always abuzz (and quite often ablaze).
She quickly scuttled to the first door she could and pressed her little roach head to the wood.
"--not going to take you there just because Kendra said she needs you. You know you’ll be arrested the instant you set foot inside the city limits."
"I don’t care, Logan. Kendra needs my help and I’m going." The door swung open slightly and the Rita, grabbing her chance, scuttled inside. The door slammed shut quickly afterwards. Several feet dangerously moved around the room in a haphazard pattern. The roach ran as fast as she could to the nearest wall and waited.
"Move away from the door, Logan!"
"Can’t do it, sweetheart. You have no idea how hard it was to get you out of that coma. There are limits, and I’m not going to tangle with the Nevada State Police. They might get pissed at me and that’s a chance I’m not willing to take."
"Dammit! Logan. Hey you, Eyebrows, let’s go." Scuffling sounds ensued.
"No! You let go of that! I not take you anywhere on this." The roach thought she recognised the broken English and bizarre accent, but before she could see who had spoken, she had to dodge a heavy nasty-looking object with the word "Timberland" inscribed on it which was heading toward her with alarming speed.
Unfortunately, the only way out was up. Rita materialised underneath Logan’s size 9.
"What the fu--?" The mutant shouted as he backed away.
"Oh no! I go out of here." Victor yanked his broom away from Ellie and charged out of the door, just as Rita’s mobile phone camera snapped a photo of his retreating back.
"Sooo," said Rita, turning to the other two. She looked them up and down. And then frowned. "Who wants to give me the grand tour?"
"He will," Ellie said, jabbing her thumb in Logan’s direction and glaring at him at the same time. "Since he isn’t busy taking me to Vegas!" Ellie stormed out after her Bulgarian, the camera snapping her on the way out.
Rita looked at the mutant, held up her phone and snapped. "Right, so where am I and who are you?"
~*~
"I guess we’ll start here," Logan said unhappily as he approached the Dean’s office.
He wisely stopped short of the door and put a finger to his lips, tilting his head. If either of the occupants were in a foul mood, it wouldn’t pay to go in. Unfortunately, neither occupant had any more of an emotional range than "foul mood" or "ridiculously happy". And neither had been the latter for some years.
"--don’t see why I can’t have a proper desk! It’s bad enough I have to live here. It’s bad enough I have to WORK here! It’s bad enough you have to bring every person I despise to live within these walls but the least I could have is my own desk!"
"Enough with the 'd' word! I don’t think I can take it today. Get back to the shoes!"
"Couldn’t take it the last time, either."
"WHAT?!"
"Nothing, nothing."
"I was NOT nothing!"
"Let’s go," Logan to Rita, starting to walk off down the corridor.
"Wait!" Rita held up a manicured hand. "What was that about a desk?"
"Huh?" Logan was not going to stick around to discuss furniture outside an office full of an angry DE and an angrier Ho.
Rita swung open the door, shit-eating grin on her face. Logan’s claws came out without him even realising it- it was just that kind of fight or flight situation that caused them to unsheathe without conscious thought.
"Why, hello, Lucius. I thought I recognised your voice. My, my, I do seem have overestimated you. Here I thought you had started up an affair with your sister-in-law, but I see rather you’ve been schtupping a Muggle."
Emmy’s eyes became slits. Lucius stared at Rita, any kind of pithy reply wiped from his mind by the red haze that now descended on his psyche. "I’ll have you know, Ms Skeeter that- that---" He looked over at the Dean, obviously at a loss.
"Emmy," the Dean muttered.
"...Emmy, here, is NOT a Muggle."
"And he’s not schtupping me," Emmy added.
"Really," Rita brandished her phone.
"She’s a Ho," clarified Lucius.
"Sure," Rita looked from one to the other. "What’s a Ho?"
"A creature more terrifying, more controlling, more powerful than any witch." Lucius explained.
Rita quickly tapped this information into her mobile phone. "And this is who you’ve been -- ah -- seeing?"
Emmy panicked thinking of her network connection and hoping for once Delphi had the cc cameras turned on so she wouldn’t have to try to explain her PA’s complete and utter bullshit.
"Yes. She has wonderful taste, don’t you think?" Lucius smiled for the camera.
"Indeed," Emmy said through gritted teeth.
"And how does your family feel about this? Your wife, after all, is probably not happy to hear about your extra-curricular activities."
"His wife is currently in Las Vegas spending all of his money." Emmy said. Lucius gaped at her. "What? It’s true. Kendra saw her."
Rita devoured this news like a premenstrual woman with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. "Then how about a nice picture for the cover of the Prophet so she can see how you’ve not been affected by her newfound good fortune?"
"Fine!" growled Lucius, roughly grabbing the Dean around the waist and leaning over her.
"Er- NOT fine, Daddio!" Emmy growled back.
He ignored her, bent her back in the standard romance novel cover art pose, mostly so she couldn’t kick him, and planted a huge kiss on her mouth. Rita happily snapped away.
Logan barged through the door, grabbed the reporter and yanked her out of the office. "Leaving now!"
As soon as the door slammed shut, Lucius let go of the Dean who fell in a heap on the floor with a loud "oomph".
"I’m going back to the Manor to get my desk. Providing I still have one," the wizard said, grabbing his cane. He stalked out of the office.
A tumbleweed blew down the Admin Building corridor.
"OI!" shouted Emmy at the door. "Don't think I can't make you suffer for that!" She then gave the leg of his plywood desk an enraged kick, and the entire structure collapsed to the floor next to her, torn pages of the Borgin & Burkes catalogue fluttering slowly onto her head.
"Everything alright there?" asked Tav, who had been sitting in her GDC the entire time observing the events but only feeling the need to respond once destruction ensued.
Emmy gave the Colonel a glare as she angrily crumpled the Borgin pages...until the "oh shit" of Sirius reading tomorrow's Daily Prophet registered in her brain.
The Dean scrambled over the remains of the desk, tripped as her shoes tangled in the computer cables, cursed as she kicked off her shoes, and sprinted out the doorway in search of her Marauder.
~*~
"Here!" Logan hurled Rita into the Library and slammed the door.
"You don’t have a goat, do you?" Dor asked. "I really need one this time."
"What are you talking about, young lady?" Rita walked further into the Library. It was tastefully decorated with plush gothic furniture, a broken piano and a huge coffin. In the centre of the room a large cauldron squatted on the parquet floor. On top of it rested the lid to a garbage can.
"Oh, nothing. If you don’t have one, then there’s not point explaining." Dor lifted the lid off the cauldron and inhaled the contents. "Pelham! Soup’s done!" She looked over at Rita. "You want some? It’s vegetable. Hardly any goat." The Librarian said absently.
"Er, no, thank you." Rita busied herself taking pictures of the place while Dor went to get bowls and spoons.
A handsome man with long dark hair wearing nothing but leather trousers emerged from the coffin and stood up stretching.
"Oh good," LP said from the sofa, on which he was sprawled watching QVC. "You’ve dressed for lunch."
"Yeah. Thought I’d make an effort. I’ll tell John it’s time to come in." Xani started texting Conner.
"Pelham, go tell Tom lunch is ready." LP heaved himself off the sofa and walked to the hole in the wall. He stuck his head through it. "Hi guys, can you tell Tom it’s time for lunch?"
Rita was just thinking of walking over and investigating when a young man wearing a Hogwart’s school uniform appeared through it.
"Finally, a familiar sight," Rita said to him.
Tom took his lunch from Dor and sat down on the sofa next to LP. "Who are you?" he asked.
"You don’t know who I am?" Rita said incredulously. "I’m Rita Skeeter, the reporter from the Prophet." She walked over to the sofa and perched on the coffin, which was now being used as a coffee table. LP craned his neck to look around her in order to see the telly. "Where have you been?"
"Fwwp!" Dor spat soup out onto her computer where she’d sat down to check her email. "Sorry, don’t mind me." This outta be good, she thought.
"Nowhere. Here. Why?" Tom said, suspiciously.
"You’re sure you’ve never heard of me?" Rita said, unconvinced. "Don’t you attend Hogwarts?"
"Yeeees," Tom said. "You’re not, like, from the truancy office or anything, are you? I didn’t think I had to go back after all that stuff. I mean, it wasn’t my fault. Not really." Dor smiled to herself. The lad was really fitting in well.
John walked into the Library and began to disarm. "Who’s this?" He nodded his head toward Rita as he removed two belts covered in bullets.
"Some reporter," LP said from the sofa, not looking up.
John took the spare grenades from his pockets. "Has she been checked? Dogs thought she was okay? Can’t run the risk of a Terminator getting in here, doesn’t matter if it’s a dame." He looked Rita up and down. Then set down his Uzi.
"She’s okay," confirmed Dor from the desk where she was looking at an on-line animal husbandry information site.
"So what is your name, young man?" Rita asked Tom again, after snapping a picture of Connor who was now removing all of his knives from his person.
"My name’s Tom," said Tom. Rita put that into her phone.
"No it isn’t," LP said. "I heard Harry call him Norbert or something."
"Norbert?" Tom said, making a face.
"Harry, who?" Rita asked LP who was now channel surfing at warp speed.
"I dunno, just Harry. You know, young, nice eyes, bad hair."
Rita nodded. "Uh-huhhhh," tapping into her phone quickly.
"My name’s Tom," said Tom.
"I’m sure I heard Cedric call him something else," Conner said. "Er, Someone Who’s Name He Couldn’t Remember or something."
"Cedric Diggory?" Rita asked, eyebrows in her hairline.
"Dunno," said Connor, unlacing his boots. LP finally landed on Oprah.
"And he said your name was something he couldn’t remember." Rita prompted.
"My name is Tom, lady!"
Dor sat at her desk turning purple trying not to laugh or spew soup all over the place again.
"Look," said Connor menacingly. "Maybe you should just leave. I don’t want to face the apocalypse on an empty stomach and you’re starting to piss me off."
"Where can I find Harry and Cedric?" Rita asked.
"There," said all of the boys and pointed at the hole in the wall.
"Fine." Rita carefully made her way over to the rubble. She wasn’t worried about the apocalypse. She was a cockroach, after all.
~*~
"Shit, shit, shit, here she comes. Now remember what I said. Don’t say a bloody word" the Nurse whispered.
"This is uncomfortable!" said a voice from the filing cabinet.
"Shhhh," said three other people.
"Hellooooo...?" called Rita as she stepped carefully. "Anyone home?"
Rita walked into the Clinic. In the centre of the room was a large exam table. Along the far wall she saw several doors. One door was marked X-RAY. Three other doors had three different Hogwarts House badges on them. Behind her was an open staircase leading up to a loft. Under the stairs was a simple kitchen counter with a fridge, kettle and sink. Along the other side wall was a long workbench. On the wall above the bench were huge open shelves holding hundreds of kinds of bandages, instruments, bottles and a locked drugs cupboard. Near the door to the Clinic was a desk with a jar of tongue depressors resting on it and next to the desk was a beat-up looking cabinet.
Cic walked down the stairs. "No one’s here," he said unconvincingly to the reporter, who was busy snapping pics of the place. "And I wouldn’t stay too long as the guards will have suspected you’re here by now."
"Who are you? And what guards?" Rita asked. Cic opened the Clinic door and walked out of it. The two guards turned to look in. Rita slammed the door in Centurion and Dementor’s "faces" and pressed her back against the door. Then she muttered something.
"Hey," said a perturbed voice. "She can’t do that."
"Malfoy, would you shut up?"
"Don’t tell me to shut up, Scar-head. She just put a locking charm on the door. And I have just as much right to talk as you do."
"The charm won’t work, and nobody has any right to talk at all at the moment, you idiots, or that bimbo is going to know we’re in here."
"The bimbo does know you’re in here; I can see your feet." Rita looked at the pairs of Reeboks, Doc Martins and Jimmy Choos which were all hovering over the floor just under the exam table. "Where’s the other one? The dead one?"
"He’s over there in the cabinet," said Harry, not caring anymore either.
Rita walked over and opened the thing.
"There’s nothing here but this piece of paper." She stooped to pick it up.
"What’s it say?" Darry pulled the Cloak from over herself and the two teenagers.
Rita read it to her. "It says ‘I’m in the Pub’."
"Holy shit!" Draco untangled himself from the invisible material, a huge grin on his face. "That bloody thing finally works!"
"Whatever," said Darry, cooly. "GUARDS!"
~*~
The Centurion escorted Rita to Laure’s office next door and unceremoniously dumped her there.
Rita, looking up at the sign on the door, knocked and called out "I’m having some union trouble."
"Come in," shouted Laure from inside.
Half an hour later....
"Are you sure you won’t have one?" Laure asked again, holding up the bottle.
Rita glanced at the clock on the wall above the Ombudswoman’s desk and back to Laure.
"No thank you. Now, can we get back to this? You say Sawyer is the one who was lost on some island until you rescued him, right?"
"That’s right," Laure said. "He’s particularly high maintenance."
"Of course," said Rita, making a ‘high-maintenance’ notation into her phone/notepad. "And Spike is the vampire. I don’t suppose he’s around at the moment, then, being ten in the morning."
"No." Laure said, looking idly out the window. "Pity..."
The door opened and Sev began walking through it. Looking in, he hastily turned around and made a quick retreat.
"Who was that?" Rita asked about to get up and inspect.
"Er...maid service. They’ll come back."
"So, who else is there?" Rita asked, texting fingers at the ready.
Twenty minutes later, Laure realised she’d either need more fingers or have to start counting on her toes.
~*~
"I’m so glad I found you. My roots were looking a little bad and my magic doesn’t seem to be working here." Rita sat patiently whilst Dande removed her foils.
"No, it won’t. Only the things we want to work will work and roots are something that I have the market on. Another cup of tea? Or perhaps some pumpkin juice? Several of my younger patrons insist I added it to the refreshment selection."
"Oh, I’m fine, but are there any more of those wonderful poppy seed muffins?"
"Of course. Here you go. Laure makes those. The little cucumber sandwiches are mine."
"Thank you so much. Please go on with what you were saying."
"Well, you know, she’s been seen with several young men since she’s been in Vegas. Kendra was happy to send me some photos from her cell." Dande stripped off a glove and reached for her phone.
"Oh, you must send them over to me," Rita insisted.
"Of course, but here- have a look- these are the latest ones."
"Goodness, he is a young thing." A thought occurred to Rita. "Does she know what her son is up to?"
"I doubt it, but now she’s hardly in a position to complain. After all, I think there’s a picture here with more than one of them." Dande held up the phone again.
"Oh goodness. That is...creative. I am so grateful to you Mrs Jinn. And I promise a full-page advert in the Health & Beauty section of the Prophet."
"That’s wonderful Ms Skeeter. I’m sure there must be many people in your world who could do with a little less magic and a little more Dish. Okay, time to rinse and repeat."
~*~
"Woman! If you and your bad fashion sense don’t get off this battlefield this instant, you are going be shot, stabbed, blown up, run over, skewered and probably pissed on." Jael didn’t mince words.
The Orc Friends of the Confederacy Army squared off against the Rugby Players Union Army (and their secret weapons: Max and James Bond, who for this exercise were using authentic Civil War Automatic Weapons of Mass Destruction).
Rita got a heel mired in the mud and Tav had to come to her rescue. She gave him an odd look, but he took no notice as he dragged her off the field of battle, her pumps leaving deep gouges in the mock Manassas mud.
~*~
"It’s a margarita," Judy assured her, despite the fact that a cherry tomato floated in it. "I’m out of limes." The bartender rubbed her bat pensively.
"Don’t worry, Judy, she wouldn’t know the difference." Remus stage-whispered across the bar to his Ho.
Rita, who was perched next to him, scowled at Remus and looked him up and down. Then she scowled some more. "I’ll have you know, I have had margaritas before. Some of us do spend a bit of time studying Muggles." Rita took a hesitant sip. "Oh, this is lovely."
Judy smiled, but kept the bat handy.
"So Remus, what is the worst-dressed Hogwarts professor of all time doing at HSU? Or need I ask? So far the answers I’ve been given involve lack of curfews, unlimited sex and stimulating conversation."
Remus considered this for a minute, sipping from his glass thoughtfully. "Judy makes a nice chocolate martini," he declared.
"I’ll add that to the list," Rita said, going back to her own drink.
~*~
"Sooo," said Rita appreciatively. "Do you have two of...everything?"
The Doctor snickered. "Alas, dear Lady, I don’t- just the heart."
"You’re stretching it calling her a ‘lady’," Blaise said. He slouched in one of the Tardis’/Bursar’s Office’s comfy chairs playing GTA 9.5 on the X-Box, which in the Tardis came with life sized holo-three-dimensional graphics. He gunned the engine to his McLaren.
"A BIT LIKE YOUR MOTHER," Rita shouted over the engine noise. "WHO WOULD NEVER BE MISTAKEN FOR ONE. EITHER!"
"Okay, okay, I think that’s enough! Noe came into the room. "Do you two need a ‘time out’?"
Blaise just grumbled and sped through another chicane.
Rita turned back to the Doctor. "Are you sure we haven’t met? You do look awfully familiar." She snapped his photo. Nothing came out. "Odd."
"Yes, I do get that a lot," the Doctor said. "I’m over 900 years old and I have been around." He winked at her.
"Are you implying I’ve been around, Doctor?" Rita said, batting her eyelashes at him.
"Sounds ‘bout right," Blaise said under his breath.
"Blaise," Noe warned. "Play nice or it’s the wet spot for you tonight."
"As if that's some kind of deterrent," Blaise grumbled and then blew a tire as he literally drove into the pits. Holographic screaming and shouting echoed around the Tardis.
"Okay," Noe warned. "No music requests at the party, then. You’ll be forced to dance all night to Flock of Seagulls and Aztec Camera." Noe patted Blaise on the head. He grabbed her hand and kissed the palm, managing to re-fuel and get back on the track with only the hand.
The boy had some skill, Noe thought to herself. And was a good driver, too.
"Oh, are you having a party?" Rita asked. Noe shook her head vigorously at the Doctor behind Rita’s back.
He looked right at Noe and smiled. "Yes, and I’m sure I speak for everyone at HSU when I say that we’d be delighted if you’d attend." He winked at Rita again.
"Looks like you’re getting the wet spot tonight, mate," Blaise said from his 30th lap of the Nürburgring.
"Ha!" said Noe, glaring at the Doctor. "He’ll be lucky if he’s getting ‘wet’ at all!"
~*~
"Oh, I don’t have time for this," Delphi complained. "I’ve got a goat wired up somehow and the boys at the beach are listening to their iPods through its butt. They’re about to twist its head off adjusting the volume."
"But that’s my desk! MY DESK!" Lucius complained.
"No, it’s my desk. If you want, you’re more than welcome to file a Plant and Equipment Transfer Scheme, PETS45-7/J389a, in quadruplicate, with the Bursar and we'll see what we can do about reallocating it. Oh, you’ll also need to file the Furniture Use (Collateral Kind) for Offices form (FUCK-OFF/69f), in triplicate."
Lucius just stared dumbly at her. Then he leaned over and whispered something in her ear that started with the words "How about if I..."
Delphi’s eyes went very wide for a moment as he kept whispering. Then she turned to him. "And you’ll even wear the...?" The last part was whispered into his ear- when she finally found it under all of his hair.
Lucius considered. "If I must."
"Hmmmm...I’ll think about it." Delphi smiled slyly.
"Fine, don’t go anywhere." Lucius walked to the door before Delphi changed her mind. "I’ll just go talk to my son...providing he’s upright, fully clothed and sober."
Rita emerged from behind the bank of servers. "Care to tell me what that was all about? I thought he was involved with that Emmy Muggle. Er...person."
"Him?" Delphi choked. "He’s...um..my uncle."
"She’s not going to believe that," growled Worf from under the desk. He emerged holding a fistful of cabling and the Rat, who’d been gnawing the cables. Worf handed Rita the Rat. "Here, hold this."
Rita took the animal, which looked up at the reporter with its beady eyes and then jumped out of her hand. It ran out of the door and down the hall in the direction of the Library.
Rita looked at Delphi. Then she looked at Worf. Then she looked back at Delphi. Then she looked back to Worf...who growled.
Rita looked again at Delphi. "Could I get his number?" She asked, cocking her blonde head in Worf’s direction.
Delphi burst out laughing and for half a second almost complied. Then she showed Rita the door.
~*~
"Er, a little help here, please?" The General looked up from the photocopier which was spitting paper at him at an alarming pace.
The office was a disaster area. There was paper all over, some of it shredded into very small pieces. On the desk sat a broken rolodex and a book, covered in marker pen and which looked as though the spine had come away from it.
An empty water cooler sat in the corner of the room, its contents long spilled out and now soaked into the carpet.
Rita almost looked at little frightened. She shook her head at the General, who appeared to have been awake (and unbathed) for days.
Quickly snapping a picture, Rita gently closed the door in the General’s face.
Fin