Title: Segue
Rating: GNF (Going Nowhere Fast)
Author: Darry
Warnings: Um, it’s by the Nurse. Need we say more?
Disclaimer: I think WB, 20thC Fox and Disney own must of this. But not us Grrls.

Emmy’s kitten-heeled slingbacks weren’t made to be worn on the field of battle.

She’d come to the barracks early looking for her Georgian EF with the intention of forcibly prizing away her Nintendo from him. Now that she’d caught up on her reading, she needed another diversion from real work until next month’s editions of Cosmo, WHICH Shoes, Bellagio Today and Dean’s Duties were delivered. And really, she never bothered much with that last one.

This was ridiculous, she thought, squelching up to the largest tent. She was the Dean. She didn’t make house calls. Even the Nurse didn’t make house calls – at least of a medical nature - and Emmy was pretty sure that was written into Darry’s job description.

But if the Dean wanted this blasted contraption, she’d have to go get it. After all, her EF did go in search of it for her. With that thought Emmy’s mind conjured up images of the Dragoon, shirtless, stumbling through the wilds of the Target aisles using a machete to chop away the overgrowth of vines, leaves, and princesses.

She barged into the tent. "Tavington!" He wasn’t there. Now she’d have to go trudging back through the mud.

Where else could he be at this time of day?

~*~

Cal watched morosely as his small shed was demolished in preparation of the erection of the new Gryffindor Tower. All he had in the world he carried in his arms: spare paper clips, an abandoned book he couldn’t understand, and his latest list of complaints for his next meeting with Laure.

Like rats leaving a sinking ship, just before the last plank hit the deck, three cockroaches, and an actual rat ran out from under the rubble. How long has those been there? thought Cal, unhappily. After all this time, he’d had pets and he didn’t even know it. Now he was even more like the Grrls! Now he needed to find them a new good home where he could love and cherish—

Before he could finish the thought, Commo, completely oblivious of this watershed moment in the Padawanabe’s life, marched up, casually crushing the cockroaches. Cal dropped his book and list in an attempt to grab his rat before the Emperor could mistreat it.

"Ah...what have we here? I’m sure my beloved would love to have a toy for her tiger. I think you might just do the trick." The Emperor looked around. "Soldier! Come here and pick up this animal for me!" The miners completely ignored him. They seemed to be doing that a lot. Commo was quite vexed about it and would have to remind Maximus again that the Emperor had authority over the army even more so than its General did.

When no help seemed forthcoming, Commo reached down and scooped up the rat. Rather than being frightened and angry, the rat calmly sat in the Emperor’s hand, glad to be away from the squalor of its previous owner’s accommodation. Commo took no notice of Cal’s desperate sounding pleading squeaks to get his attention.

While otherwise distracted by this-circle-of-life drama, the Padawanabe didn’t notice Lupin, who’d been walking by stoop down and pick up the abandoned book.

"This thing again?" He spat in disgust. He’d try to remember to return it to the Library at some point. Then he made his way back to the Clinic to start packing.

~*~

"A little help here!" Ellie shouted at her men. She was futilely trying to catch her Mastah’s Valentine’s Day present in order to return it to the Clinic, now that the threat of being eaten by a werewolf was gone.

The large peacock ran through the open door toward the kennels, squawking its stupid albino head off.

And as no one in the Veterinarian’s Office aside from Ellie seemed that keen on cornering it, or indeed moving at all, that’s where it stayed.

Ellie harrumped into a chair and idly picked up National Geographic.

The men decided that they were now safe from the prospect of any ridiculous animal-related work and began to get organised.

Viktor grabbed his broom, ran out and shouted something about Cedric and flying. Indy stood and said something about going out to the new construction project and the prospect of excavation. Han said something about stealing some tools from the miners and fixing yet another broken part of his ship.

Ellie put down the National Geographic and picked up the new brochure from Circus, Circus. She’d been asked to do some consulting with them for their shows.

Logan mumbled something about calling a Hooters waitress and getting laid.

"Sure, fine, whatever," Ellie waved at him as she turned the glossy pages.

Logan shook his head and went to the Pub.

~*~

Darry, dressed in Dior scrubs, reclined on her exam table reading Gilderoy Lockhart's bestseller whilst idly stroking her blond EA’s hair. Draco sat with his back up against her, playing with Xani’s Gameboy. (The Greysider had loaned Draco the consol as Dor had complained about the noise it made. The Librarian was studying for exams and required absolute silence. Or as close as she could get what with the telly, the boinking, and the walls falling down around her.)

Cic was helping Quintus oversee the miners and Darry’s other boys milled around the Clinic, getting ready for their respective playdates. Harry was going out to the pitch for a game of Frisbee with Max, Sirius, Lasher and Space Dog. And Cedric was going out flying with Viktor.

Shortly, heated negotiations could be heard just outside the Clinic door. "C’mon, let me in. Hey! I’m talking to you! Let me in or I’ll melt you into very unattractive jewellery." Sirius’ muffled voice said in ever increasing decibels.

The Centurion he was threatening wasn’t impressed with this display of bravado and just continued staring off to the left. And to the right. Then the left. Then the right. Sirius began to get dizzy. But he knew better than to upset Darry’s other guard, so instead, he just tried knocking on the door.

"Yeah?" Darry didn’t look up.

"It’s Sirius Black. I’m here to get Harry."

"Yeah, whatever," the Nurse said absently, and then started smirking as she read a particularly interesting passage in the book.

Outside the Clinic, the guards stood aside and the Marauder opened the door.

Cedric ruffled Darry’s hair (being the only one of her EAs who could get away with that) and quickly walked out, giving the Animagus a wide berth. Cedric was still not sure about Sirius. After all, at the time of Cedric’s death, Sirius was still Public Enemy No.1.

Harry finished tying his trainers and grabbed his jacket. "Won’t be too long," he said, giving his Ho a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Okay. Have fun." Darry looked up and actually smiled.

"Don’t hurt anything we might need later, Potter," Draco said, still immersed in the game.

Sirius blankly looked down at his chest where his other good ruffled shirt now had an angry purple scorch mark. Then he grabbed Harry and yanked him out the door.

Darry returned to her book and her EA. For awhile it was relatively quiet in the Clinic, save only for the beeping of the Gameboy and Darry’s evil chuckling. About twenty minutes later the Nurse guffawed. "Oh Daddio, you dawg...."

"Ow. You’re pulling my hair," Draco complained.

Darry looked down. Her gentle stroking of Draco’s hair had turned into roughly grasping handfuls of it as she read the play-by-play in the last chapter.

"Oh, sorry." She smoothed his hair down and slammed the book shut, mind already on potential blackmail.

"How can you stand to read anything by that guy?" Draco set down the Gameboy and stretched against her.

"You know, I haven’t read anything so informative since wading through the Estrogen County Age-of-Consent statutes." Darry said.

They spent the next two hours testing out how far those laws could be bent.

*

"You missed a bit."

"Impossible." Tav said, smirking at her.

"I don’t know why you don’t just do this inside in front of a proper mirror." The Dean once again tipped the mirror up to examine her complexion. She had a mind to go up a factor on the sunscreen next time she sat outside for any length of time.

"I’m beginning to think that too," Tav said, taking her hand and angling the mirror back down to his eye level again. "You could do this for me, you know." He suggested.

"I don’t think so." Emmy said, trying to get comfortable. She sat on Tav’s jacket on the grassy embankment next to a secluded part of the Lake. He stood just below her at the waterside.

"At this rate, it’s going to take me an hour to finish."

"I’ve got time," the Dean said watching as Tav pulled the razor along his cheek.

"I’m not sure I do," Tav said, dipping the razor into the water and bringing back up to his face.

"You’re my EF. You have as much time as I tell you you have." Emmy now attempted to use the mirror to reflect the sun into the face of one of the teenagers flying around above the pitch.

"HEY! YOU STOP THAT, DEVIL WOMAN!" An angry Slavic shout echoed down toward her.

"Come on," Tav grabbed the mirror away from the Dean before she could blind anyone else. "I’ll finish this in the tent."

~*~

Laure’s plastered-on smile faltered as her mouth started to get sore. She wondered if it was too early to start drinking.

"Commo, I don’t know what to say," she said, absolutely sure she knew what to say. "Why don’t you just put it—" she looked around frantically then pulled open a drawer in her desk. "—here."

Commo placed the rat next to the collection of miniature bottles and boxes of oatcakes. Looking pleased, he nodded indulgently to his Wo. Then he went off in search of a large sword in preparation of his meeting with the Other General.

Laure’s mouth relaxed and she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Is it too late for me to apply for that bar back job in the Leaky Cauldron?" She glanced wearily over at another EA, who sat on her chaise viciously grading exam papers.

~*~

"No fair! You’ve got to choose one form and stay in it. You’re confusing the dogs!" Jael was getting cross.

Basically, Sirius was playing Frisbee with himself, running to one end of the pitch as a dog, catching the disc, changing into human form and throwing it back in the other direction. Poor Space Dog didn’t know which end of Sirius to sniff and Lasher had given up and had wandered off to dig up something Cal had probably buried years ago.

Bond had strolled over and he and Max were discussing the finer points of tailored trousers and automatic weapons. Harry, looking skyward, was thinking he might have had more fun with Cedric and Viktor.

~*~

Dande and her daughter sat in the back garden of the cottage at a large patio table on stripy canvas chairs under a cheerful umbrella. On the table sat a pitcher of lemonade and a tray of homemade shortbread. Cara was carefully drawing pictures of flowers representing those blooming in Dande’s perfect window boxes. As she finished, Dande searched for something else for her daughter to use as inspiration.

From the back garden they had an unobstructed view of the rugby pitch, Pyramid, the army encampment and the lake. "What else can you see?" The Wench asked.

Cara looked around then back at her mother. "I see dead people."

Dande’s eyes narrowed, but the perfect smile remained stalwartly in place. "What, Sweetheart? Where do you see-" she shuddered "dead people?"

"Right there, Mummy," Cara pointed at the pitch where the one-man/dog Frisbee game was in full swing. "Him and him," she indicated Max and Sirius. "And him," she pointed at the ‘puff above them. "And him and him," she indicated Cic and Lupin, standing to the side of the pitch near the quickly-growing Tower. "And him." She pointed into the cottage through the back door, behind which Qui-Gon sat watching the Pod-Racing on cable TV.

"Oh, and him!" Cara pointed at one of the army tents. It had an old-style Union Jack flying from a flagpole outside of it.

"I don’t see anyone, Precious," Dande squinted at the tent in a very un-Wenchlike fashion.

"The man inside the tent, Mummy," Cara said as if it were obvious. "The one with the lady on top of him."

"Right! Time to get lunch started." Dande grabbed Cara’s hand and wafted her into the cottage as fast as she could.

~*~

Delphi and Worf were having a little party. Little meaning they were wearing very little and also little as in they were dipping little pieces of food into warm chocolate with little weapons.

The fondue set worked wonderfully except they really should not have used it in the Server Room which needed to be kept as pristine as possible. Very shortly, LP would have his on-line shopping spree cut short as chocolate was smeared on every surface.

Delphi was all for the strawberries and marshmallows that Worf had brought back from the Pub to use, but she wasn’t sure how well gagh would work with chocolate fondue. Particularly as it was still moving. Worf seemed undeterred, however and managed to cram most of them into his mouth.

They never did look too carefully for the few that escaped. But they did manage to roll over and squish a couple of them in their post-picnic work-out.

~*~

As Harry had cut short his Frizbee game, he and Draco went out to join the other two Seekers. Darry took the opportunity to make life a little easier on herself.

Lucius looked up from the Wizard Street Journal as his door banged open. His second least-liked occupant of the place waltzed into his office wearing the reddest dress he’d ever seen and a suspiciously familiar-looking tennis bracelet. Although he couldn’t actually use them, he made sure his cane and wand were in easy reach.

"Relax," Darry said casually, about to perch herself on the edge of his desk before thinking twice as she considered its rather random manufacture. "I’m actually here to do you a favour."

"Oh?" He looked up and raised an eyebrow. "And how will you be achieving that? Are you sending my son back to school?"

"He already goes to school," Darry frowned, perplexed. "I make sure he goes to all his classes; I would never neglect a young person’s education."

"Indeed," Lucius said, sarcastically. The Nurse completely missed the point.

"Anyway, this isn’t about him. It’s about you."

"Yes?" Lucius wondered not for the first time that if he closed his eyes for long enough, this woman might just disappear. No such luck.

"I’m sure the Dean thinks I already suspected, and hell, I did- you know my proclivities when it comes to EAs—"

"Do you have a point?"

BAM!

Gilderoy Lockhart’s book was slammed onto the desk which wobbled unsteadily under it.

"Where did you get—" Lucius roared, reaching for the book. With Sith-like reflexes Darry snatched it back.

"Never mind where I got it. What I was going to say before you so rudely interrupted me was that I would suspect that you stand more to lose than the Dean does if this little bit of non-fiction were to hit the papers."

Lucius tried to appear nonchalant, which would have worked had he not given away his manic interest not thirty seconds ago.

"You," Darry’s finger, hand, wrist and stolen tennis bracelet all pointed at Lucius’ chest, "will not give me or any of my boys any grief. Ever again. Do you understand?"

Lucius glared at her. "Are you telling me I can’t talk to my own son?"

"No, I would never presume to tell a parent his job," Darry said, rather agreeably, much to Lucius’ surprise. "But neither will I have you telling him who he can and cannot—"

"Stop!" Lucius held up his hand, not wanting to contemplate the meaning of the sentence, let alone hear the remainder of it. "I understand."

"And I mean everyone," Darry said in a threatening manner. "You might think your...boss is one tough mother, but let me tell you this, Mr Death Eater, you even think about messing with Harry and you, your boss and your whole little fraternity are going to be purple toast before you can say Salazar Slytherin. Do I make myself clear?"

Lucius worked very hard to display a countenance of nonchalance when all he wanted to do was to get all up in the Nurse’s face and hex her into next week. "Crystal," he said through gritted teeth. His wand hand twitched.

"Okay, then," Darry said cheerily and handed him the book. She turned to leave. "By the way, after reading that I can see Draco’s inherited more from you than just your name."

The door slammed shut just as Lucius’ cane was hurled against it.

~*~

LP angrily hit control, alt, delete for the third time. "Useless bloody thing," he swore at the Library’s computer.

"Shhh!" hissed Dorotea.

"Sorry, sorry," LP grumbled.

The Librarian was cramming for her Potions OWL. She was determined to minor in witchcraft as her correspondence voodoo degree was coming along nicely. She figured with so many people around who could teach her, she’d be silly not to take advantage of it.

Her DADA tutorials with Lupin were going well. She had managed to cast an impressive Patronus charm in the form of a goat, which came as no surprise to anyone. Draco was bringing her classwork in Herbology, Harry was bringing her Transfiguration homework and Sirius said he would teach her History of Magic. Laure had volunteered her EA to teach her Potions, which Dorotea really should have flown through. But she wasn’t. Draco was going to help her with revising that evening and she hadn’t finished the written parts she was supposed to have done yet.

"Go find Xani," Dorotea said a little more gently, looking up at the Lavender Lord.

"Don’t want to." He pouted. "He’s gone to wake up Spike. I think they’re planning on playing WoW all night or something."

Dorotea didn’t mention LP’s American Gladiators addiction, although she was tempted.

"Well, I’m meeting Draco to study later," Dorotea said. At the mention of his name, Dor’s dragon raised his head, splintering the piano, making a terrible racket and sending shards of wood and wire in every direction. Dorotea sighed. "I think Darry’s going to watch a movie in the Pub with Cedric and Harry. Why don’t you tag along."

Pelham could think of worse things. He turned off the computer and left his Wo to her studies and shattered piano.

~*~

"You don’t need that; you don’t need that; you don’t need that. Jeez, Remus, Sonny and Cher?" Judy was helping her EF decorate his new digs. So far, the pile of "Keep" was relegated to a small assortment of books and dirty magazines, as Judy refused to let him keep anything that would reflect badly on her. "We are responsible for our EFs, you understand."

"What? And you let me keep these," Lupin held up Robeless Wraiths "but not my Peter Frampton album?"

"Hey, a girl has to make hard decisions, Sweetie. And I’m sorry, but Peter’s hair isn’t up to scratch. At least all of these...er...women are well-groomed." Judy flicked through the mag. "Too well groomed, actually." She casually tossed it aside. "Besides, I’d like to think you’re getting more from these things" she indicated the pile of porn "than you are from this." She pointed at the afro-ed white man on the album cover.

"Point taken," Remus mused, smiling at his Ho.

"And if you’ve got to spend one week a month as a dog, you might as well have some compensation. And I figured Frampton wouldn’t really cut it."

"Er...no." Lupin agreed.

"Now, do you have everything you need? Toothbrush? Jammies? Chew toys?" Judy looked to the other side of the room. Harry had been up briefly and left a few school books, parchment and quills on a desk as well as put up a Quidditch poster or two, but other than that, the room was still undecorated.

Emmy was supposed to have been there to help Sirius unpack, mostly to make sure he hadn’t nicked any of her things from his short tenure in her rooms, but no one had seen the Dean since just after breakfast, if the broken English and grumpy mood of the Bulgarian were to be understood correctly.

~*~

"Gaming 2009. Who does this belong to?" Legolas held up the magazine.

Kendra looked up from the letter she had received in the post. "That’s Tav’s."

"Leather All Stars?" Legolas looked at the cover and sneered.

"Xani," Kendra said absently, engrossed once again in her mail.

"Dean’s Duties?"

"That’s Emmy’s, but you may as well put it in the pile for recycling."

Legolas was torn between being mightily bored and morbidly curious as to the HSU residents’ tastes in periodicals. "Three copies of The Daily Prophet?"

"Yes, two of the subscribers don’t play well with others," Kendra said and then gasped. "OMG!!"

"Huh?" The Elf replied.

"It means oh my god! I’ve won! WOW! Vegas!" Kendra exclaimed.

"What?" Legolas came around to Kendra’s side of the desk and leaned over her shoulder to read her letter. The Water Ho reached up and impatiently pushed his hair out of her face, off her desk and out of her glass of water.

"I entered a magazine contest in Water Features Weekly. It was supposed to be for their ‘A Day In the Life’ column, but they’ve written back saying they couldn’t use it. Something about it being too fantastic to be true, not to mention they’d be sued by too many people if they printed it as non-fiction. But they kept it for their ‘Readers’ Ramblings’ feature. Wow!

"Hey, that’s great!" said Legolas. "What’s Vegas?"

The End