Title: Smoke on the Water
Rating: PC (Party Central)
Author: Emmy
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I own nothing, including the songs. But I know I put our TV Boyfriends to better use than most of their fictional fates dealt them
Emmy looked up with intense annoyance when her office door slammed loudly. "What the crap, man?" she said, tossing her W magazine down on her desk with a huff.
"I don't want him working here anymore," Sirius said, taking a seat on the side of her desk since the Dean didn't have guest chairs.
Emmy snorted and raised her eyebrows. "Giving orders, are you?"
"He's a Death Eater."
"Retired."
"I caught him muttering an Unforgiveable several times!"
"Yeah, he does that a lot," Emmy said casually, grabbing her magazine again. "Don't worry, Delphi has cut off his Unforgiveables. They're just words."
Sirius crossed his arms. "It's not safe for you to be sharing workspace with a Death Eater, pet. I won't have it."
Emmy chose not to object to the annoying nickname or his attempt to be the boss of her since his concern for her well being was really rather sweet in a puppy dog sort of way.
"Do you have any idea what that vile Wizard has done in his life?" Sirius said impatiently since she clearly wasn't taking this to heart.
"Oh yeah, he goes on and on about that just to let me know how important he really is or something," she said with a flap of her hand a flip of her magazine pages.
"You have to relocate him," Sirius said definitively.
Emmy smiled. "No." She set down the magazine again and stood. "Don't you worry your pretty little head over him," she said as she walked to the door to open it. "Malfoy is harmless as a kitty cat," she added, then giving the DE a saccharine smirk before returning to her chair.
"Out of the mouths of harpies," Lucius drawled back.
"More like out of the wombs of jackals as far as you go, Malfoy," Sirius said, quickly sliding off the desk and taking his position in the doorway.
"You would know about the mating habits of dogs, Black."
Emmy grabbed her iPhone and speed-dialed the Nurse. "They're at it again."
~*~
"Now this," Kendra said, clicking to the next Vegas 101 PowerPoint slide on her computer, "is the Bellagio. Birthplace of my beautiful fountains."
"I see," the Elf said with a nod.
Kendra clicked her mouse. "And this is the MGM lion, which will soon be the new entry monument for the Vet Clinic."
The Elf's brow furrowed slightly. "From whom are you granted permission to take these items from this land of Las Vegas?"
Kendra replied with a scoffing laugh. "You're funny."
The Elf cocked his head to the side.
"And this," Kendra said, clicking to the slide of the gigantic David statue in Caesar's Palace, "I believe would go nicely right over there." She pointed to the far corner of her office where a scraggly ficus was covered in glittery silver beads. "A nice welcome to the office, don't you think?"
The Elf's expression continued to progress in degrees of confusion. "How will you transport these things?"
"Oh easy," Kendra said, popping a gummy worm into her mouth. "Sirius has this all figured out for me. He says they'll fit in my handbag, no problem. And I won't even notice the extra weight."
The Elf's eyes shifted between Kendra and the photo of the statue. This was no magic he had any familiarity with. "How well do you know about this Wizard?"
"He's cool," Kendra said. "I've only had to staple him once, and, really, that was kinda sorta an accident anyway."
~*~
Maximus unrolled a large schematic on the War Room table, requiring Tavington to quickly move the box of donuts and collection of half-eaten bags of Cheetos and BBQ potato chips out of the way since that was pretty much the only purpose the War Room strategy table had served for quite some time.
"I came up with a plan that I think will take care of this problem," Max said. "If we set the bait here and here," he said, pointing to the X marked next to the pub patio and the other X marked next to the new Gryffindor tower," we could lure him down this path to the trap set here."
Bond thoughtfully rubbed his chin as Tavington looked on with excited interest. While he knew full well that Emmy had made him promise he would never involve himself with explosives of any kind, this was far too great a temptation for a Dragoon Colonel.
"Is the area secure?" Bond asked, examining the portion of the map where Max had indicated the trap would be set.
"Of course it's secure," Jael said. "What do you think I am, a warrior with a careless disregard for human safety?"
Max and Bond both gave her the same dubious look. Tav tried to be polite since he'd learned it was best to only risk crossing one Ho on campus as opposed to them all, and trying to keep his own Ho happy with him was work enough.
"Yes, it's secure. Geez," Jael said, grabbing the Cheetos bag from Tav and plunking herself in the LaZBoy that the miners had received as a prize for excellent cookie sales. "Men," she groused with a roll of her eyes.
~*~
"Go low!" Cara yelled, riding on Sirius' shoulders as he stomped around the Wench's garden to make Cara bob up and down until she giggled. At her command, he quickly changed into dog form, Cara then riding around on his back like a small pony. "Go high!" she yelled, and he morphed back up, carrying her around on his shoulders.
Qui-Gon kept watching, eyes darting between the Sports page and his daughter flying up and down in the air.
"It's fine, dear," Dande said, re-filling her husband's coffee mug as they sat at the patio table just a few feet from the play date.
"He might drop her," Qui-Gon said, eyes darting over again as Cara screeched with delight when she sank low again and landed on the dog's back.
"He won't," Dande said, patting his hand. "He's very careful with her."
Qui-Gon glanced over again as Cara giggled as Sirius pretended to stagger around uncontrollably when she slapped her hands over his eyes. "What if she gets confused about playing with a man who can turn into a dog?"
Dande laughed. "You think that's the most confusing thing for her around here?"
Qui-Gon regarded his wife for several moments. "Mm," he responded, shaking his Sports section and going back to the article on pod racing standings.
"I'll just take these in the kitchen," Dande said, carrying the breakfast dishes inside.
Qui-Gon read his paper for a few more minutes until a realization hit him. He looked over at Cara and Sirius again, who were now seated on the ground next to Cara's playhouse. Cara then stood and proceeded to brush Sirius' hair. "I think the bunny barrettes would be best," she enthused, imitating her mommy's stylist tone.
"As you wish," Sirius said, grabbing the bunny barrettes and handing them to her.
Qui-Gon glanced through the window to see Dande loading the dishwasher. Then he looked back at Sirius and Cara. "Do you mind keeping an eye on her for a little while?"
"No, not at all," Sirius said.
"Excellent. I just have to take care of something," Qui-Gon said, tossing his newspaper down on the table, and stalking into the house to claim his Wench.
~*~
Ellie took a big sip of her Americano and hit the Max Bet button.
"I was thinkin'," Logan said.
"You shouldn't do that," Ellie said.
"Funny," he replied sarcastically. "I was thinkin' that when we're in Vegas I'd check out one of those shows, ya know."
"Sure yeah," Ellie said.
He gave her a sideways glance. "Like one of those topless shows."
"Woo hoo!" Ellie exclaimed as she hit Haywire, doing a little dance to the music.
"Did you hear me?" Logan said.
"Yeah," Ellie said.
"Topless show."
"Yeah, I heard you." Ellie continued watching the reels spin.
Logan crossed him arms and frowned. "And that wouldn't bother you?" he asked with an annoyed tone.
"Would what bother me?"
"A topless show! Me going to a topless show!"
Ellie finally gave him a look. "What do I care about a topless show? Actually, it might be fun. I hear those places have good drink service, and I could wear my new dress." She turned back to the Max Bet button. "So get me a ticket, too."
Logan grumbled something about what it was gonna take, woman, as he stalked off to find a beer.
~*~
"Which one should I wear? This one?" Darry raised one foot behind her to show the Louboutin strappy evening shoe. "Or this one?" she quickly lowered the Jimmy Choo strappy evening shoe, raising the Louboutin behind her. "This one?" Feet shifting again. "This one?" And one more time.
"Uhhhh," Remus said, holding a box of 45 records that he was moving to his new digs.
"That one," Ced said, pointing to the Jimmy Choo.
"Yeah, I thought so, too," Darry said, kicking off the Louboutin and slipping on the other Jimmy Choo.
Remus continued on his way, still wondering why Muggle women continued to solicit his opinion if he was supposedly the worst dressed DADA professor in the history of the universe.
~*~
Emmy sipped her cappuccino as she browsed the Marc Jacobs spring shoe collection. It was surprisingly quiet for being nearly noon, but she wasn't about to dither over such a rare occurrence.
"In there," she heard Lucius say as though interrupted from a terribly important task.
"Good morning!"
Emmy scrunched her face at the intrusion and looked over to find the inked UPS man smiling broadly. She gave an annoyed glare over his shoulder to where her PA should have signed for any packages.
"I have these for you," the UPS man said, placing a pink box, a brown box, and yellow padded envelope on her desk.
"I only hope that someone has amputated your arm, making it impossible for you to sign," Emmy said loudly.
The UPS man shifted a bit nervously.
"Oh not you," she said, giving him a charming smile, as it was always important to maintain excellent relationships with delivery staff. She reached out and signed his computer with another pleasant smile.
He smiled back, "You have a good day now." And with that, he turned and bounded out of her office.
Emmy rubbed her hands together, grabbing the tell-tale pink box. She opened it and found six of her favorite chocolate fudge cupcakes. Only then did she note the card taped to the box. She opened it with curiosity. It read:
Dande has told me that it's important to keep you sweet. S
She snorted as she laughed, knowing full well what the Wench had meant and even more amused at how the Marauder had interpreted the statement.
Then she opened the plain brown box and discovered four bags of Garden Salsa Sun Chips. "Well, that'll at least replace what you ate since breakfast," she muttered under her breath.
The padded envelope was next, and inside it was a square box. She opened the box to find a charm bracelet. Emmy really didn't like charm bracelets. She had one as a child that she'd been quite fond of since her mother would bring her a charm every time she traveled. But the bracelet had been stolen by Suzy Jensen, the same terribly evil 3rd grade brat who often stole her lunch money. However, being unwilling to admit to her mother that she'd been bested by a brat who wore mismatched socks, Emmy had made up a story that she lost it, resulting in multiple lectures about being careless with fine things she's was given.
The Dean had hated charm bracelets ever since.
With a sigh, she removed it from the box to examine it. The bracelet contained silver charms: a shoe, a handbag, a cupcake, an Ankh, a Gryffindor lion, a Hello Kitty, and what appeared to be a perfume atomizer.
Unbeknownst to the Dean, the Marauder had been watching with excited anticipation from the window just off her left shoulder. However, his resultant grin from her seemingly happy reaction to the cupcakes and the Sun Chips began to dim as she merely tossed the bracelet on her desk after examining each of the charms.
Emmy looked at the bracelet and then pushed it around with her pen, images of Suzy Jensen's big ugly face and evil, semi-toothless grin floating through her head.
Outside the window, the Marauder began to pout as Emmy used her pen to poke at the charms he'd spent a good hour selecting for her. Shoulders slumping, he prepared to walk away when he saw Malfoy enter her office.
"What did that imbecile bring in here?"
Emmy paused her poking of the bracelet to glare at the Death Eater. "Who told you to come in here?"
"What did he bring?" he asked again, furtively glancing around her office with great suspicion.
"Nothing for you," she snapped. "Now move it or lose it!" she said, pointing her pen at him, the pen catching on the bracelet and flinging it up a few inches off the desk.
The Death Eater flinched slightly. "That! Give me that!"
Suddenly a loud growl came from Emmy's doorway.
"Oh crap," the Dean said, jumping up to get between them. "You," she said, pointing at Lucius. "Just go away." Then she turned to Sirius. "You, stay!"
"Give me the bracelet," Lucius said.
Emmy snorted as she turned to face him. "Big bad Death Eater want a little girlie bracelet?" she said in a high pitched voice and with a pouty mouth.
"It doesn't belong to you, Malfoy."
Emmy jumped, slightly startled by the sudden transformation, and turned around to face Sirius. "Okay, I've really had enough of this animagus business."
"Yes, Black," Lucius said. "You should listen to the whip here."
"Oh, just go bother somebody else!" Emmy said, giving the immovable Death Eater a shove, which really only caused her stumble backwards into the Marauder, who, at the same time had lunged forward to try to get a piece of the Death Eater, which then caused Emmy to stumble forward and splat onto the floor where Lucius had previously stood. "Ow!" she yelled at the moment of splat.
"I'm sure your boss would be so proud," Sirius said, turning toward Malfoy as he exited the scene. "I bet he'd love to see the great work you're doing now. Typing memos, following orders from Muggle women."
"Um, hello! I said OW!"
"Oh, sorry!" Sirius suddenly turned back around and helped Emmy up from her splat position on the floor.
~*~
"Mmmm, that's nice," Laure said, lying on her stomach on her beach chaise as Norrington rubbed tanning oil on her back.
Norrington, looking completely mortified, was frantically trying to clean up the hot dog mustard he'd accidentally spilled on his Wo's back while having a lunch break between rub downs.
"Nice one," Sawyer said, still, as always, observing the HSU Man Code, but certainly not allowing the incident to pass without comment.
Norrington glared at Sawyer, who only shrugged.
"What's that smell?" Laure asked.
Sawyer snorted.
Norrington cringed and said, "Uhhhhh."
"What's burning now? I smell gas and smoke. Wait, are the firemen out?" Laure said with a hint of excitement, trying to push herself up.
"Oh no, everything is fine," Norrington said, pushing her back down to the chaise and grabbing a towel from the adjacent chair to mop up the rest of the mustard.
"No, I distinctly smell fuel," Laure said.
Norrington cautiously put his hot dog under his nose and sniffed. Nope, no gas there.
"Ah, it's nothing. The pirates are just trying to set the lake on fire," Sawyer said.
"Oh okay," Laure said, closing her eyes again. "This is so relaxing, especially after that all that stupid music from earlier today. It's not like we need to have a party every day when we have them at night."
~*~
"I thought I fixed that," Remus said, glancing around with vague curiosity.
"WHY!" Judy yelled one more time for emphasis. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" she added, slapping the bar with her towel on each syllable.
"I kinda like this song," Kendra said.
"WHAT?" Judy yelled, the guitar drowning out every word.
"I SAID I KINDA LIKE THIS SONG!"
"DON'T MAKE ME MAKE YOU SCRUB THOSE LIMES WITH A TOOTHBRUSH!"
"Right, let me see what I can do," Remus said, turning and getting off the barstool.
"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Judy demanded, unable to hear him as well.
Visions of lime scrubbing filled Kendra's head, making her brain very, very panicked. "BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!"
"What," Judy said, grabbing her padawan by the front of her shirt, "are you doing?"
"This one is quieter. I thought that might help," Kendra said, incredibly offended that her efforts weren't being appreciated.
"It won't be quiet for long," Remus said, running out of the Pub and toward the tower in an effort to thwart disaster.
~*~
"MOONLIGHT SONATA!" Darry collapsed with relief on the edge of her bed, finally able to remove her hands from her ears. This would teach her to run late while getting ready for her off-world trip to Coruscant.
"Why can't I go with you?" Harry said, sitting down the bed next to her as he pulled the tongue depressors and cotton balls out of his ears.
"I told you," she said, "you're going to stay here for the Gryffindor mixer. I have a very important meeting to attend on Coruscant."
"But I've never been there."
"And we're going to keep it that way," Darry said as she patted his knee. She then walked to her jewelry box to determine which pair of Malfoy earrings would go best with her Dior cocktail dress.
"I want to go to Hogsmeade!" Draco yelled, suddenly appearing in the doorway.
"You don't have to yell, idiot," Harry said.
"I want to go to Hogsmeade!" Draco repeated, walking into the bedroom with tongue depressors still sticking out of his ears.
"You're not going to Hogsmeade. You're staying here with Dor," Darry said, pulling out the depressors. "And I told you not to move around with these in your ears."
"I don't want to study," Draco said, pulling out the cotton balls.
"You're not going to study," Darry said. "You're going to help Dor."
"I don't want to help!" Draco said, as though it were the most ridiculous suggestion in the world.
"I'm leaving!" Darry yelled, just grabbing any pair of earrings and her handbag and making a run for the door. "Behave or no *censored censored censoring censored* when I get back!"
~*~
"DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND THE MISSION?" Jael yelled over the din of the Beatles.
The miners, all wearing ear muffs, nodded.
"ALRIGHT THEN, MEN!" the Warrior Princess continued. "LET'S GO! STRENGTH AND HONOR!" she shouted, raising a stick of dynamite high in the air.
"STRENGTH AND HONOR!" the miners shouted back. Then they all turned around and ran for the Pub.
"HEY!" Jael yelled. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WE'RE AT WAR HERE!"
"THIS SONG IS A BIG FAT LIAR!" Jael ranted, turning toward Max and Bond (as Tav had already ducked and covered when the music started up again).
~*~
"MY DARLING FLOWER!" Commo yelled as Laure cooled herself in front of the air conditioner, feeling as though she'd sunburned her back for some strange reason. "I'VE WRITTEN YOU A POEM!"
"TURN THAT DOWN!" Laure yelled at Spike, who had turned up the volume on Passions just as loud as the music blaring overhead.
"ROSES ARE RED! VIOLETS ARE BLUE!" Commo began.
Laure tried to smile. It was so sweet how Commo went to the trouble of making up new poems every ten minutes. But the loud buzzing of the television was not helping her patience level.
"NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS," Commo paused for dramatic effect. "I WILL KEEP ON LOVING YOU."
"OH FUCK NO!" Spike yelled, grabbing a pillow and covering his head.
"CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?" Laure yelled at Snape. "IT IS SOME STUPID MAGIC THING, AFTER ALL!"
Snape only nodded at Laure and gave his best version of a smile, as, unbeknownst to everyone else, he'd simply cast a silencing spell all around him when the music had originally started earlier in the day. And then he went back to his copy of Potions Monthly.
~*~
"MAKE IT STOP!"
"LUV, COME OUT FROM UNDER THE DESK!"
"NOT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!" Emmy replied, curled into a ball at the back under-corner of her desk, arms covering her ears.
"BUT IT'S SUCH A NICE SONG!" Sirius replied, kneeled down on the floor next to her chair and reaching his arm as far as it would stretch in the hopes he could get a hold of her and pull her out. "VERY CALMING SONG!" he yelled.
"I HATE REO SPEEDWAGON! MAKE IT STOP!"
"HOW CAN YOU HATE REO SPEEDWAGON?" Sirius appeared rather upset by that.
"YOU STARTED THIS, BLACK! YOU MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW OR GOD HELP ME, I WILL CUT OFF ALL THAT HAIR WHILE YOU SLEEP!"
Sirius shrugged. "Alright then," he said.
"WHAT?"
He pulled out his wand, and with a tiny flick, the music suddenly stopped.
Emmy sighed loudly with intense relief.
"Now come out of there," he said.
"Nobody wants to hear that, got it?" Emmy grumbled as she crawled out from under the desk.
"Mind your- -"
"OW!"
"Head," Sirius said, backing up as she finally appeared next to the chair, her right hand rubbing the back of her head.
Emmy stood and poked him on the chest. "No more music!"
Sirius pouted slightly. "Alright."
"You want to listen to it, you keep it to the tower, or you use your phone."
"I was just trying to set the mood for the party this evening."
Emmy sighed. "Everyone here can set their own mood."
He nodded reluctantly.
"Don't pout," Emmy said.
"I'm not pouting."
"Cupcake?" Emmy said, trying to distract him.
"I bought those for you," he said.
"You can have one, I don't mind," Emmy said brightly, getting worried he might get all angsty on her and then fuss about nobody liking his party that hadn't even started yet. Before she knew it, it could turn into a full-on session about how his parents never loved him and his friends are the only family he has, and she really had to get a move on with her Marc Jacobs online shopping cart before it automatically cleared out after too much time elapsing.
"No, I don't want a cupcake," he said forlornly. "You don't like the bracelet, so you should at least keep all the cupcakes." Then he slumped into her GDC.
Emmy's eyes grew wide. This had the potential to turn into a full-scale emo disaster. "I love the bracelet!" she enthused, trying to turn the sinking ship around.
"No, you don't," he said sullenly.
"Of course I do!" She turned toward her desk and tried to remember what the hell she'd done with it. Thankful for small favors that it was still sitting next to her phone, she grabbed it. "It's so…cute." She scrambled to put it on. "See!" she said, giving it a shake around her wrist. "It's great!"
He glanced up at her. "Mmmrrrh," he responded with a faint shrug.
Emmy took a deep breath and put on her Professional Ho Mojo. "It's so thoughtful of you," she said, shimmying into the GDC next to him and throwing her legs over his lap. "You have to tell me how you went about selecting all the charms," she said, holding her wrist in front of his face.
"I dunno," he said. "You don't have to like it. I've seen all the posh jewelry you have. I know it's stupid."
"It's not stupid," she said. She took hold of the first charm. "I love shoes, so that's perfect. I love handbags, so this is perfect. I love cupcakes, so this is perfect, too. Hello Kitty makes me think of you," she said, playfully poking his chest on his visible tat, which drew a faint smile. "As does the Gryff lion, so that's perfect, too. And the Ankh is," Emmy paused, madly trying to think of why he would have bought such a thing.
"Death Eaters don't like them," he said.
"I knew that," she lied.
"No, you didn't," he said, finally smiling.
"I did!"
"You didn't," he said, pinching her waist.
"Stop!" Emmy laughed, pulling his hand away. "Well they sure don't like Hello Kitty, so I figured that was enough."
"Hmm, it's a pity we didn't have Hello Kitty a few years back. Could have come in handy," he said.
"See, you Wizards don't know everything."
"Oh, I'm well aware of that around here," Sirius said.
"But what about this?" Emmy said, taking hold of the atomizer charm.
He smiled. "Well, I needed one more, and you smell nice, so I thought it was appropriate."
"I do?" she said with a very pleased grin.
He shrugged. "Better than Kreacher anyway."
"Oh nice," she said, slapping him on the shoulder and then swinging her legs down and standing up. "You watch it, or I'll send you to obedience training. Don't think that I can't find someone here to help me freeze you as a dog."
~*~
"You know what you need?" Ellie said, looking around the Gryff Common Room a few hours later that evening.
"What?" Sirius said, nervously looking around, party host nerves still on him and wondering if he had forgotten something.
"A Haywire machine!" Ellie said, then doing a little dance as she "doo-doo-doo"d the Haywire theme for him.
Sirius' forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What's a Haywire machine?"
"You had to ask," Logan said.
"Oh my gosh!" Ellie exclaimed, completely baffled that someone wouldn't know. "It's only the greatest invention since the pick-up truck!"
"What does it do?" Sirius asked.
"Later," Logan said, grabbing Ellie around the waist and dragging her toward the snog zone near the fireplace, knowing that if she started in on Haywire, she might not ever stop.
"Ellie said I need a Haywire machine," Sirius said to Emmy as she took a margarita from Judy's portable bar.
"No," Emmy said.
"What is it?"
"Just no," she repeated.
"There is a woman at the door seeking admittance, but she does not pass security screening," Worf said, suddenly appearing.
"Who is it?" Sirius said.
"Laure."
"Oh for crap's sake, let her in," Emmy said, shoving a chip with guacamole in her mouth.
"But," Sirius said, placing a hand on Emmy's shoulder, "she's a Slytherin. I have no objection to her personally, but it's impossible for a Slytherin to enter a Gryffindor event."
Emmy shook her head and sighed, walking away from Sirius and toward the front door. She marched up to the miner left to guard the door, shoved him out of the way, and waved Laure in. "Sorry about that," Emmy said.
"S'Okay," Laure said, walking in with Sir Guy, "I'm an experienced handler of a deluded megalomaniac myself."
"She shoots! She SCORES!" Kendra suddenly exclaimed, holding her arms high as she nailed an air hockey goal.
"I don't understand the purpose of this game," the Elf said, shaking his head. "It's childish and rudimentary."
"Sore! Loser!" Kendra said with glee, pointing at him with each word.
"I am not," the Elf pouted, wandering away toward the Skittles bowl.
"Alright, who's next?" Kendra said, bouncing excitedly, the thrill of victory still rushing through her veins. "Come on. Don't be scared! I won't make you cry too much."
"Easy, Padawan," Judy said, handing her a margarita and patting her on the back.
Kendra took a sip of her margarita. "Sorry. I'm fine now."
"That's right," Judy said. "Just keep drinking."
"Heeeyyyy!" Delphi said, arriving on the scene. "I need more of that!" she said with a slight slur, pointing at Kendra's glass.
Kendra turned away quickly, guarding her margarita with her body.
"You came to the right place," Judy said, expertly muddling limes and pouring tequila and Grand Marnier.
"Party's great, right?" Delphi said. "Great party." She nodded. "So great!"
"Yeah," Judy said, handing her the glass.
"Great!" Delphi said, taking the glass and then poking herself in the face with the straw a few times before it found her mouth. She sucked down a good gulp of margarita goodness. "Darts!" she exclaimed. "Who wants to play darts?" She held her glass in the air and swung from left to right. "Anyone?"
"Darts and tequila are an unacceptable combination for you," Worf said, suddenly placing his hands on Delphi's waist to steady her.
"Okay, then you throw the darts," Delphi said, leaning against him and giving him a big grin.
"I must guard the door," Worf said.
"Guard shmard," Delphi said. "C'mon, we're playing. Woo!" she said as she jumped and kicked her legs up, forcing Worf to catch her so he couldn't return to his security post.
~*~
"So what am I supposed to do now?" Dor asked, peeking into her cauldron.
"What's next on the list?" Draco said, leaning to the left as his Ferrari raced around Xani's McLaren Mercedes as they went on their second hour of Gran Turismo on the PS3.
"Uhhh…" Dor said, trying to remember which parchment she'd been looking at.
"You just throw in whatever is next," Draco said, jamming the gear on the control as Xani sped past him on the turn.
"It says I need mugwort," Dor said. "What's that?"
"Something to do with Muggles?" Draco said, leaning forward as he went into the next turn.
"Hmm, yeah that makes sense," Dor said, pulling LP's scrunchie out of his hair and throwing it in the pot.
~*~
"This is GREAT!" Delphi yelled, as she lay on the floor with everyone else whose legs had given out by the third softer now.
~*~
"Uh," Dor said, as a great green smoke began to rise from her cauldron. "I think something isn't quite right here." She shuffled through the parchments.
"Did you stir it?" Draco said as he and Xani went started the twentieth Nurburgring lap. "You have to stir it."
"Whatever you do," Xani said, leaning to the right, "don't add goat cheese."
~*~
"Oh forget it, I'm stayin' here," Delphi said, flopping back down on the floor as everyone else jumped up to shout.
~*~
"Uh, guys?" Dor said, quickly backing away from the cauldron. "A little help here!"
LP finally looked up from the Dean's discarded Elle Décor. "This doesn't look good."
"Whatsit now," Xani said, looking over his shoulder. "What the fuck is that?"
Intrigued, Draco also turned around. And then he turned extremely pale.
~*~
Down by the lake, the rat had followed the intriguing scent of cheese and onion rings. Just as he was reaching an oddly placed super-sized Slushee at water's edge, a black cloud caught his eye. The rat gasped and then morphed into a disturbing ugly little man. "Master?"
~*~
Lucius was playing a game of Click Add to Cart on the Borgin website. He scratched his arm, which had been giving him quite an itch for the past several minutes. Damn that Black. Likely gave him fleas.
~*~
The partying Ho's and Wo's tried really hard to keep themselves standing steady, but ended up just toppling into one another during the gender solo, despite the fact that they had discarded their shoes hours earlier.
~*~
Dor, Draco, and Xani all stood around the table, mouths hanging open, while LP observed from a safer distance near the broken piano.
"At last. I have returned. And you, young Malfoy…."
Draco gulped as the Dark Lord pointed to him.
"Get me a lid," Dor said.
"Huh?" Xani said.
"Get me a lid!" Dor said.
"Where?"
"I don’t know!"
Xani ran around the library a few times and returned with a garbage can lid.
"That'll do," Dor said, trying to be sly and hiding it behind her back.
"As your father served me, so, too, will you," Voldie continued.
Draco made a little squeaking sound.
"I don't think so!" Dor said, jumping up on the table and slamming the garbage can lid on Voldie's head. "A little help here!"
Draco and Xani jumped up, throwing their bodies over the top of the lid.
"YOU!" Voldie yelled as they tried to squish him back into the cauldron. "YOU WILL PAY!"
Draco carefully stood on the lid and then began to jump.
"Almost there!" Dor said.
~*~
Lucius scratched his arm again as he looked through www.purebloods.org for a quick anti-flea charm.
~*~
"My master has returned," Pettigrew said in awe as the dark mark in sky weaved around the moon.
And then broke in half.
"Wha?" he stared up at the sky.
"NOW!!"
"Wha?" then he stared in the direction of the loud female voice coming from the bushes behind him.
~*~
Kendra tripped into the Elf, who tripped (even he'd had a margarita) into Judy, who tripped into Emmy, who tripped into Sirius, who tripped into Harry, who tripped into Laure, who tripped into Sir Guy, who tripped into Logan, who tripped into Ellie, who tripped into Worf, who didn't trip at all. And everyone else was already lying on the floor with Delphi since the softer now episode.
What the trippers didn't know was that it was the dynamite explosion down at the lake that actually caused Kendra to trip in the first place and not, in fact, the copious amounts of tequila being consumed.
Kendra was, after all, a Professional Ho. Even without a diploma.
~*~
"So how long do we need to sit here?" Xani said as he, Draco, and Dor kept a lid on the cauldron.
"Til Darry gets back," Dor said.
"That could be til morning!" Xani protested.
"Do you want to explain to her how Voldie drafted Draco?"
"No," Xani pouted, shifting around on the garbage can lid.
"I wouldn't have gone with him," Draco protested.
Dor crossed her arms. "This'll be fun," she said. "We could play twenty questions."
"Oh yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun," Xani snorted.
"Would it kill you to make the best of this situation?" Dor said.
"Yeah," Xani said. "It would!"
Dor reached back and slapped him on the head.
"Stop!" Draco said, putting up his hands as he jockeyed for enough seating room on the lid.
"How is it that the teenager is the voice of reason, here?" LP said while wandering off to make a cup of tea, as he was free to move about the cabin.
"SHUT UP!" all three lid-sitters yelled.
~*~
"I need to have one of these parties every weekend."
"No," Emmy muttered, nearly asleep on the Marauder's shoulder, and she likely would have been snoozing had certain other party attendees not been snogging all over the sofas. Even the air hockey table was unavailable since Kendra had grabbed a pillow and used it for napping once the thrill of victory and tequila-inspired dance moves had worn off, and Judy had already dragged the portable bar back to the Pub for clean up and an overdue visit with the General.
"I know," Sirius said when the slow song ended. "Let put on something a little more up tempo, and really get everyone going again!"
"Okay sure," Emmy mumbled, sinking to the floor next to the fireplace as soon as he stepped away to re-set his iPod party shuffle.
Sirius glanced over at the snogging/sleeping crowd and turned to the iPod in its docking station. Then he turned back around once he realized that Emmy had disappeared, but then he quickly saw her curled up on the floor next to the fire.
He scanned the room again at various people doing various things and then he smiled. He may have lost nearly everything over the years, but he still knew how to throw a party.
Sirius turned down the volume a bit on the iPod and re-sorted the songs. Then he removed his wand from his pocket and carefully lifted all the empty bottles and glasses from the floor and tables so as to make a safer environment for those sleeping/snogging since that was the duty of any good party host.
"Hmm," Emmy sighed sleepily.
"Come on," Sirius said, trying to coerce her off the floor. "Let's get you to bed."
"I'm fine," she mumbled.
"You're not sleeping on the floor."
Emmy groaned as she was forced upright, stumbling around until she was steered in a definite direction. She had no idea where she was headed since she found it impossible to open her eyes. "You need music from this century, too," she muttered.
"I'm sure," he said with a smile, walking her into his bedroom. "There we go," he said as she collapsed on the bed.
"I can't stay here," she said drowsily.
"Be quiet," he said, pulling the covers over her and then leaving the room, shutting the door behind him. He wandered into the game room where he found Harry playing Halo on the XBox. He sat at on the sofa next to him and said, "Ferrari or McLaren?"
Harry grinned, saving his Halo game and reaching for Gran Turismo. "McLaren."
~*~
Darry yawned as she entered the Clinic the next morning, then going straight to find her Seekers. She peeked into the closet and then into the pantry. "Hmm."
She walked through the hole in the wall and into the Library, where she found Draco leaning against Dor, who was leaning against Xani, all sound asleep on top of a garbage can lid, on top of a cauldron, on top of a table.
"Morning!"
The three jumped out of their skins and nearly jumped off the lid but then all sat down very quickly once they regained their senses.
Darry walked up to them with the trademarked Explain Now look on her face.
"Dor resurrected Voldemort with my scrunchie," LP offered helpfully as he sipped his coffee.
"Dor!"
"I didn't mean to!" Dor said.
"Where is he?" Darry demanded, her fingertips beginning to sizzle.
"In here," Draco said, pointing to the cauldron.
"Right, that explains the slumber party. Off, all of you," Darry said, shooing them out of the way.
The three would have stood carefully just in case Voldie was waiting for the opportunity to strike, except all their legs were numb from sitting on a garbage can lid all night long, so all three promptly fell off the table and onto the floor.
The Nurse threw off the lid, looked inside, wrinkled her nose, and then PL'd the hell out of that cauldron. Then she dusted off her hands, walked over to Draco, and pulled him up off the floor. "Let's go."
"I can't feel my ass," Xani groaned.
So Dor slapped him hard right on it just for good measure.
~*~
"Now where's the other one?" Darry said, putting on her Dior scrubs after a quick "examination" of Draco to make sure that Voldie hadn't marred him in any way.
"Where do you think?" Draco said, not bothering to look around for his clothes.
"Figures," she said. "I'll be back shortly. Don't go anywhere."
~*~
The Nurse walked into the Gryffindor Common Room, carefully stepping over bodies, making mental note not to miss the next Gryff party.
"Goal," Kendra muttered, rolling over on the air hockey table.
"Heeeyyy," Delphi said, rubbing her eyes as she walked slowly out of the washroom and right back to her sleeping spot on top of the Klingon.
"Good party?" Darry said.
"Great," Delphi replied, pulling Worf's arm over her like a blanket.
The Nurse soldiered on in search of The Boy Who Lived. The first bedroom she came to was occupied by Remus. And only Remus. "Poor Lupin," Darry said, quietly closing the door again.
She slowly opened the door to the next room and found the Dean sacked out with Sirius spooned up behind her. "Fully clothed? Never would have called that," Darry said, carefully shutting the door.
Moving on to Door #3, she found Ellie and Logan sprawled out in that bed. Fully unclothed but covered by a sheet and blanket. "Well done, padawan."
And behind Door #4, the Nurse found her prize. She briefly pondered dragging him back to the Clinic, but it would be such a shame to wake him. Or, at least, such a shame to make him get out of bed so soon after waking, not to mention disturbing all the other sleeping beauties by tripping over them on the way out. Darry quietly shut the door behind her and then chose the best means for a surprise wake up call.
~*~
"Do you think we got him?" Jael asked excitedly, peering around the blast hole next to the lake in broad daylight.
"Difficult to tell given that there's nothing left of…well, anything," Bond said.
"I’m sure there must be a body part here somewhere," she said, searching around with great anticipation.
"Well, if it's a body part you want to see," Bond said, grabbing Jael and hauling her behind the bushes.
And as the bushes shook and the lake lapped against the new, scorched hole in the ground, a rat missing one more toe skittered out of the trees and headed straight for the remnants of exploded onion rings.
The End