Part I

The Dean hurried down the hallway toward the Pub, her Dior sandals clicking loudly on the floor as she strode with purpose toward a margarita. It had been one of those days. In fact, most days at HSU were one of those days.

As she turned the corner, she heard the bellowing.

“I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SOUPED UP FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!”

Emmy cautiously approached the entrance to the Pub.

“CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS! I TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS! SLASHED A HOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES!”

Emmy looked into the Pub to find a gaggle of EA’s gathered in front of the TV and “singing” at the top of their lungs.

“MAYBE NEXT TIME HE’LL THINK BEFORE HE CHEATS!” This was followed by victorious barking noises and plentiful high-fives.

“What in God’s name is going on?” Emmy asked as Judy, with perfect timing, set the margarita on its coaster.

“It’s that show, Don’t Forget the Lyrics. These idiots are totally addicted to it.”

“I don’t know how you stand this,” Emmy said, cocking her head back toward the crowd of men, who were still slapping each other on the back for being so smart.

“Ah, it’s not so bad,” Judy said as she pulled twenty-dollar bills out of her tip jar.

“Ooh look, sparkles!” Kendra exclaimed, carelessly dropping the lime knife and pointing toward the center of the Pub.

“Huh?” Emmy turned to see a bright beam of light appear next to the table where Dor was carefully measuring shots of Maker’s Mark in order to teach Tom the importance of recreational alcoholism.

Suddenly, a man stood where the light had been.

“Hold this,” Dor said, carelessly shoving the bottle at Tom as she stood to investigate. “Hi!” she chirped, trying to remember how to make doe eyes.

“Whoa,” Emmy said, sliding off her bar stool.

“This doesn’t look like Trader Vic’s,” the man in the blue shirt muttered to himself. He pulled out an oddly-shaped cell phone and pushed a button.

“I’ll take that,” Darry said, suddenly appearing and grabbing the object from his hand. “And you,” she added. Then she turned to the collected Ho’s. “Got it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sure.”

“Whatever.”

“Does he make house calls?”

~*~

“Who’s that?” Draco demanded as the Nurse entered the Clinic with the Doctor.

“He’s the new Doctor,” she replied.

“Oh,” Draco said, no longer interested in anything having to do with helping the Muggles on campus.

“Hello,” Harry said, getting up from his gaming rocker. “I’m --“

“The Boy Who Lived, blah, blah, blah,” Draco said.

The Doctor examined the two boys with vague curiosity and wondered why he’d been dragged out of a perfectly good Pub.

Harry glared at Draco and then started again. “Hello. I’m….” Harry swallowed nervously. He always hated this part. “Harry Potter.”

“Okay,” the Doctor said, completely nonplussed.

“He doesn’t know you!” the Nurse called from the kitchen where she was crashing around trying to find a clean glass.

“Really?” Harry said with great interest.

“Oi! Blondie! Get in here and make me a clean glass!”

“Why do I always have to do it?” Draco protested, stomping into the kitchen.

“Just do it,” Darry said, then reappearing to find the Doctor perplexedly studying her cabinet full of tranq darts.

“Don’t ask,” Darry said, hooking her hand in the crook of his arm and pulling him toward the bedroom. “You two, play nice. I need to examine the Doctor.”

The boys shrugged.

The Doctor smirked.

The Nurse tripped over the XBox cord, but recovered nicely before pushing the Doctor into the bedroom and slamming the door.

~*~

Lucius Malfoy was perusing a Sports Illustrated that Logan had left in the pub. It was important to understand this insipid Muggle world if he were ever going to master it. The fact that it was the swimsuit edition made no difference to him one way or other. He was a Death Eater, after all, and everyone knows that Death Eaters are immune to the appeal of barely clothed Muggle women.

As Lucius turned the magazine to fully examine the centerfold, he heard a yelp coming from the Dean’s office. This was not an uncommon sound, so he paid it little mind.

“Get in here, you!”

Lucius sighed, leaning further back in his chair while continuing to turn the magazine to make sure he fully understood the editorial piece.

“Oi! Daddio! Get in here! I need you to kill—“

Lucius jumped from his chair, not hearing another word the Dean said, drawn only by the opportunity to kill. He found Emmy atop her desk, ridiculously high heels wobbling as she simultaneously attempted to recoil and focus on floor.

“That! Kill it!” She finally turned to find him giving her a very dubious look.

“That huge ant! Kill it!” she madly gestured with her outstretched arm.

Lucius nearly rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said, knowing full well that the squawking would never end if he didn’t take care of it. He pulled out his wand, and in a flash the offending ant disappeared.

“Now check to make sure there aren’t others,” Emmy said, kneeling on the desk and carefully peering around the floor. She looked up at him when he made his usually huffy snort. “Tav always checks!”

“I am not one of your pets.” And with that, Lucius turned on his heel and walked out of her office.

“Hey! Don’t you insult my-- Oh, whatever,” she said, reaching for her iPhone and pressing Tav’s number while she warily eyed the floor. “I need you to come check for ants, so I can get off my desk. I don’t care what shape the cookie army is in, I have an emergency here! No, I can’t just step on them! Then there’ll be squashed ants all over my floor, and my shoes will have ant parts on them!” Emmy sulked and curled up into the fetal position on top of her desk. “What if they start crawling all over me? You’re a man, this is what men are supposed to do.”

~*~

Tavington sighed but was very careful not to do so directly into the phone. “Poppet, ants are more afraid of you than-- Yes, I know, but I’m in the middle of-- Yes, of course I would come to your aid in any number of dire situations, but-- No, I would not be happy if you were eaten by ants, but that’s highly un-- I don’t think they could carry you off somewhere no matter-- No, of course I don’t mean that you’re fat, I just-- Just stay where you are. I’ll be right there.” Tavington clicked off his phone while still impressively maintaining his commanding stature.

“Trouble?” Max asked with an amused smirk.

Tavington inhaled slowly. “I will return shortly.”

~*~

“No, I think that’s a very bad idea, and that’s not easy for me to say,” Kendra said.

“But wouldn’t it be exciting!” Sirius replied, eyes gone slightly wild.

“Uhhhh,” Kendra said while chewing on a gummy worm. “Exciting isn’t exactly the word I’d use. And besides, Emmy will kill you.”

Sirius shook his head. “Once she sees how much fun it is, she won’t mind at all!”

Kendra’s forehead wrinkled. “Have you two met?”

“Now,” he said, thoughtfully scratching his head, “where might I buy a very large drill? The new doctor was saying in the Pub that it involved a large drill.”

“Home Depot?” Kendra offered. Bad idea or no, it was always important to be helpful.

“Ah yes, I’ve heard of this place,” he said, standing up. “Good suggestion!”

“You’re welcome,” Kendra said with a smile as he exited her office. But her smile slowly descended as thoughts of the Dean killing both of them flooded her mind. Kendra jumped up and headed for the Pub. Best to always be in public when an imminent death threat was hanging over one’s head. Others' EA’s did make for the best shields to dive behind when the Dean unleashed her fury.

Part II

Emmy threw a hand full of Laffy Taffy at the Clinic guard and then banged on the door. Then she banged again. She knew better than to put her ear to the door, so she impatiently tapped her foot. Then she banged again.

“What?” the Nurse said, not actually opening the door.

“I’m injured!”

“Bullshit. I’m busy.”

Emmy examined the barely visible hole on her palm that had resulted from accidentally slamming her hand down on the staple-puller while Tav had been attempting to drag her off the desk before he’d properly examined the floor for ants.

“I have a puncture wound! It could get infected, and I could lose my hand!”

The Nurse rolled her eyes and sipped her martini with some measure of annoyance as her boys wrestled on the floor without her. How many bloody times would she have to tell Tav to stop relaying gangrene stories to Emmy?

Emmy continued to tap her foot in the hallway.

“Are you bleeding? Feeling cold? Sweating? Nauseous? Dizzy?”

Emmy frowned. “Well, I’m not bleeding now, but—“

“You’re fine! I’m busy!”

“I’m injured!”

“Doctor’s in the pub!’

“He has terrible bedside manner! If I want to be abused, I’ll come to you! At least you appreciate my shoes!”

Darry swung the door open, grabbed Emmy’s wrist, and gave her palm a look. “You’re fine. I’m busy.” And then she slammed the door.

“Whatever!” Emmy said, turning and walking down the hallway. “God forbid anyone actually give a damn around here.”

~*~

“What are you doing?” Pelham said, not taking his eyes off Men’s Vogue.

“Nothing!” Dor said more defensively than normal.

Pelham lowered his magazine and looked at her over the top of it. She was reading aloud very silently while throwing assorted items into the mixing bowl of a Kitchen-Aid.

“No good can come from this,” he said.

“SHH! You’re breaking my concentration,” Dor said, continuing to read from what she thought was a spell for communicating with the dead. She didn’t particularly want to bring the Romulan to campus at that moment, but she thought it might be fun to at least have a little chat with him.

“What is she doing?” Xani demanded of Pelham as he came upon the scene.

“Something that will end badly,” Pelham said, returning to his magazine.

“Hey! You know, I might have more success if I had a little support here,” Dor said, now shuffling a few pages that had somehow gotten out of order.

“I’ve got your support right here,” Xani said, coming up behind her.

“Stop,” Dor half-protested. “Oh, forget it, this should be good enough,” she said, switching the Kitchen-Aid to mix on high before tumbling to the floor with Xani.

~*~

Early – but not too early - the following morning.

Emmy grunted as the bed jostled slightly. She hated to be awakened earlier than necessary, but she was too sleepy to protest more than a grunt.

"Ow!" she yelped when a knee lodged into her back. "Dammit, Black, I'm trying to—"

"Sorry."

Odd. That didn't sound like a Sirius sorry.

Emmy's eyes flew open and then she immediately jerked backwards when a slumbering Draco came into view.

"Ow!" exclaimed a voice behind her when she crashed into another body.

She sat straight up like a shot and saw Harry rubbing his face on the other side of her. She jumped to her feet on the squishy mattress and yelled, "OUT! GET OUT! WHAT THE HELL! GET OUT! DAMMIT! GET OUT!"

Harry appeared somewhat mortified. "Wha…what's wrong?"

Draco finally yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Whassit wha hmm," he replied before falling back asleep.

"OUT!" Emmy yelled, kicking Draco in the thigh.

"I sleeping here," Draco mumbled as he rolled over.

"YOU TWO GET OUT OF MY ROOM! WHAT THE HELL! NURSE! DAMMIT!"

Harry carefully rose to his knees. "Uh. Are you feeling alright?"

"NO, I'M NOT FEELING ALRIGHT! GET OUT! DAMMIT! WHAT THE HELL!"

Harry jabbed Draco in the side.

"Bugger off," Draco said, pulling a pillow over his face.

"I think we should call that doctor of hers," Harry said. "She's gone completely mental."

"I'M MENTAL? YOU'RE MENTAL! GET OUT!" Then Emmy paused to take a breath. Wait a minute. Doctor? Of hers? "You!" she said, pointing at Harry. "Say my name!"

Draco suddenly sat up and grabbed her wrist, pulling her down to the bed. "I like this game."

"Get off! GAH!" Emmy slapped his arm. She scrambled out of the bed and pointed at Harry again. "What's my name?"

Harry and Draco exchanged glances. "She really has gone mental," Draco said.

"Say it!" Emmy said.

"Uh," Harry said. "D-Darry. Your name is Darry. I'm Harry and—"

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." Emmy paced frantically. Then she scurried to her mirror. In her room. Okay, she could breathe. She looked in the mirror and saw her own reflection. "Okay, alright. I'm okay. I'm not crazy." She took a deep breath. Then she looked back at the bed. Then looked down at herself to confirm that she really was fully clothed in her pajamas. "Okay, it's alright. I'm okay." She took another breath. And then she ran out of her bedroom and toward her office.

"I think that doctor did something to her," Harry said.

"Oi! Where's my lunch box?" Draco yelled out after her.

~*~

Darry awoke in her bedroom and looked at the clock. "Shit!" The boys were going to be late for the bus again.

"What's wrong, monkey?"

The Nurse inhaled sharply at the sound of that voice and the hand patting her back. She flipped around. "Shit!" And then jumped out of bed. "Get the fuck outta my—"

"Aw, poor luv, did you have a bad dream again? Which one was it this time? The spiders or the naff shoes?" Sirius said with a hint of a smile as he reached out to try and pull Darry back into the bed.

The Nurse, a little quicker on the draw than the Dean first thing in the morning, only replied, "Fuuuuuuuck," as she hurried out of her bedroom. She pushed the door open and ran smack into Logan.

"Where's the damn beer?" Logan demanded, cigar hanging out of his mouth. Darry darted to side and toward the hole in the wall. "Dor, what the fuck did you—" The Nurse came to dead halt when she found Aragorn lounging on her exam table smoking his pipe.

She looked back toward her bedroom as the Marauder walked toward her. She glanced at Logan. And then back at Aragorn. Somehow, every unshaved man in need of a bath had ended up in her Clinic, and she began to feel rather queasy.

She hurried into the kitchen. No Doctor. Then she looked around the boys' room, and still no Doctor. Or boys, for that matter. Her fingertips began to spark when a loud banging came from the hallway.

"Your children are in my bedroom!" came Emmy's voice through the door.

Darry marched to the door and swung it wide open. "And your Pig Pen is in mine!"

Emmy gasped, eyes wide as she saw Sirius rummaging through an open Fritos bag laying on a chair. She pushed past Darry and walked up to him. "What the hell are you doing?"

Sirius paused mid-crunch.

"Yeah, what the hell is he doing here anyway?" Logan said.

"You, shut up," Darry said, pointing at him.

"Well?" Emmy said, giving Sirius an expectant look.

Sirius looked up and then back at the Fritos bag. "Having breakfast?"

"Why are you here having breakfast?" Emmy said.

Logan walked up to Darry. "El, do we have beer or not?"

Emmy's eyes grew wider, and she looked at Darry, who appeared just as dumbfounded.

"Where is Harry, by the way?" Sirius asked Emmy.

Darry took a step forward and stood next to Emmy. "You can't play with Harry today. I need you to…to…take a bath?"

"But, pet," Sirius said to Darry, "I promised him we'd practice and—"

"Shut up, just shut up," Emmy said.

Sirius looked at Emmy. "I promise I’ll bring Harry back in time for…. In time for whatever you need Harry for."

Emmy gulped.

Sirius stood and walked to Darry. "It's still so early. Why not just go back to bed," Sirius said while putting his arm around Darry's waist.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Emmy yelled.

"GET OFF!" Darry yelled, shoving Sirius with her elbow.

"But…." Sirius's face dropped like a wounded puppy.

"Hey, Bub," Logan said, pointing his cigar at Sirius. "Hands off."

"I'm Darry, you idiot! That's Emmy! And Ellie isn't even here!"

Sirius looked from one Ho to the other, his forehead beginning to scrunch. "You're both completely mental," he said with a great deal of concern.

Logan just grunted and walked back into the kitchen.

"Laure, I was thinking a picnic out in the woods," a mellow Aragorn said from the exam table. "What do you think?"

"DOR!" Darry yelled again, walking toward the hole in the wall.

Part III

Last part. Just spewed it out, so there aint much, but it's done!

Part 3

Dor thought she heard some noise. Then again, there was always noise on campus. She pressed her face closer to Xani's chest to block the offending morning light. And then he snored very loudly. "Quiet, I'm trying to sleep," Dor said, slapping his chest.

"Wha?" Xani replied…except the voice came from behind her.

Dor curiously opened her eyes as the chest against which her face was pressed rumbled again. "AAAHH!"

"What the…HOLY FUCK!" Xani yelled and shot out of bed like a cat thrown into a bathtub.

Dor slowly backed away from the snoring Qui-Gon, who was completely undisturbed by the ruckus. "What the? What the?" She tried to catch her breath as her Whatevers were in a complete uproar.

"I told you it would end badly," Pelham casually remarked from the sofa where he was watching QVC.

"You're not helping," Dor hissed.

Pelham shrugged and turned up the volume on the TV.

Dor stared at Qui-Gon as he continued to snore. Then she looked around for Xani and found him cowering high up on one of the library shelves. "Get down from there and help me!"

Xani frantically shook his head. "No. No way."

"Get down here!"

"No. No way."

"DOR!"

"WHAT!"

Dor turned to find the Nurse climbing through the hole in the wall. Emmy pushed her to hurry the process along and darted into the Library. "Fix this now!"

"I…I…." Dor sputtered.

"What did you do?" Darry said, trying to use her calm, professional Nurse voice.

"I…I…."

"She was trying to communicate with the dead," Pelham offered helpfully.

"I followed the directions!" Dor exclaimed.

"Why on EARTH would you do that?" Emmy said.

"I followed the directions!" Dor repeated. "Something must have gotten confused."

"Something?" Darry said.

Dor hurried over to the table where the Kitchen-Aid still sat and rifled through the papers. "Look!"

Emmy marched over to her – as much as she could march in her bare feet – and grabbed the papers from her. "What is this?"

"Some pages…." Dor said.

"From?" Darry said, eyebrows rising.

"A…book," Dor said.

"Dor!" Emmy said.

"What!" Dor said.

"This page is Communicating with the Dead," Emmy said, holding up the page. "This page is Comingling the Species!" Emmy pointed to the fine print at the bottom.

"Huh?" Dor said.

Darry grabbed the pages from Emmy and examined them. "You didn't notice that page numbers are 47, 48, 34, 35, 49, and 50?" Darry said turning each page in Dor's face as she read the numbers aloud.

"Oh," Dor said quietly. "Oops?"

"Oops? OOPS?" Emmy said. "I woke up with Draco and Harry, and all you can say is OOPS?"

"And that mutt thinks I'm her," Darry said.

"He is NOT a mutt! He's a Pureblood!"

"Uhhh…." Dor glanced over to the bed. "So if Qui-Gon is here, then who's with Dande?"

~*~

"Darling, breakfast is ready!" the Wench called as she wiped down her counter tops.

"Bloody hell, woman, keep it down! You know I don't wake up at dawn!"

Dande dropped the sponge and inched her way out of the kitchen to find Spike lounging on her sofa. Dande crossed herself and then ran to the pantry and grabbed a spray bottle. "I am going to ask you very nicely to please leave."

Spike blinked. "Since when are you ever nice?" he said, swinging his legs off the sofa. He stood and sauntered toward Dande. "I know you like me bad," he drawled.

"Back! Get back!"

"AUGH! What are you—AUGH! LAURE! BLOODY HELL!" Spike threw his arms over his face as Dande squirted him with Holy Water.

~*~

Jael was polishing her favorite sword, and she smiled when she heard the bedroom door open.

"My darling! I have written you a poem!"

Jael jumped to her feet and raised her sword.

"You! My forever love!" Commo declared as he read from a napkin. "You are as pretty…" he paused for a dramatic effect, "…as a dove!"

"DIE, BASTARD! DIE!" Jael yelled, charging at him.

"My darling!" Commo exclaimed. "Please! I shall defend your honor," he said, looking over his shoulder to see who could be troubling his beloved. And then he pouted and jumped out the window when he realized that his beloved was aiming for his neck.

~*~

"Must you persist in making that infernal noise?"

Ellie glanced over toward the door as she hit the Spin button on her Haywire machine. And then she clutched her coin cup to her chest. "What do you want?"

"I want silence," Snape droned. He moved toward Ellie. "It is so rare that we have the opportunity to be alone," he purred.

Ellie fell off the stool and stumbled backwards. "Look what you made me do!" she said, as her coins rolled all over the floor. Then she dove for her buzzing phone and scooted further back as Snape walked toward her. "Master! Huh? She did what? What's wrong with her? SNAPE! I feel sick! Okay. Okay. Okay. Can I dart him? Why not? It won't leave a mark! Oh come on. I bought you olives for your birthday and everything."

~*~

"Yoo-hoo," Delphi sang, pushing the shoulder covered in long, blonde hair. "You're going to be late for work, and you know what happens when you're late for work."

"Have I overslept?"

Delphi gasped and scooted over on the bed when Legolas turned to face her. "Hello there," she said cautiously.

"Hello," Legolas said.

"And you're here because…." Delphi's eyebrows stretched up high.

Legolas sprang out of the bed. "I was tired and fell asleep."

"Hold that thought," Delphi said as her phone rang. "Hello? Hey, Nurse. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah, I noticed that. I have no idea where Worf is. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Oooookay." Delphi hung up the phone. Then she smiled at Legolas. "Okay, so you just sit tight right there," she said as though talking to a four year-old. She tapped her forehead as she thought things through. "So if you're here, that means that Lucius is…uh-oh."

~*~

"This is your LAST warning!" Kendra said, pointing her staple gun at Lucius, who regarded her with some suspicion.

"What has possessed you this morning? Taken up blood coffee or whatever that…thing…has for breakfast?" And then the Death Eater dove for cover as the staple gun rapid-fired at him.

~*~

Noe sat with her back pressed firmly to her bedroom wall. It wasn't for fear, but more due to the fact that her bedroom was packed full of miners, zombie-fighting soldiers with big guns, fire men, and one pissed off werewolf whose tail was caught in the heat register. "Blaise!" she yelled for the gazillionth time.

She shifted around as best she could when her cell phone rang. "Oh ha ha, punk the new girl," she said into the phone.

"Who'd you get?" Darry said.

"Who didn't I get! And they're clearly all over the age of twenty-five!"

"It's Dor's fault," Darry said.

"It's not my fault!" could be heard in the distance.

"We're meeting in the Pub to sort this out," Darry said.

"Right, I'll be there in…." Noe surveyed the bodies packed like sardines.

"I'll get us out of here," Boromir's voice came from somewhere in the mele. "If we all jump at the same time, then…uh, no that won't work. Wait a minute."

"Give me a while," Noe said, "I've got quite the brain trust going on here."

~*~

Darry and Emmy entered the Dean's office. (Dor was still trying talk Xani down from the library shelves.) Tav was nowhere to be seen.

"He's not here," Emmy said. "He wasn't with you. Where is he?"

"I have more important problems," Darry said as the two Ho's made their way into Emmy's living area. "Ah-ha," the Nurse said when she saw her Doctor sitting at Emmy's dining table.

"There you are," McCoy said to Emmy, an interesting smile on his face.

"Don't you get any ideas," Darry warned Emmy.

"I wouldn't!" Emmy said.

"I hope my boys are okay," Darry said, turning toward Emmy's bedroom. "Oh yeah," she said as she came upon a tangled scene.

"HEY! Oh GAWD! I'm gonna hurl! I'll have to burn that mattress now," Emmy said, slapping her hands over her eyes as she tried to calm her gag reflexes.

Darry, forgetting the present circumstances, tried to climb onto the bed, but quickly snapped back to reality when Draco and Harry jumped and scooted away from her, clinging to each other for dear life.

"Get her away from us!" Draco said to Emmy.

Emmy pouted. "That's not very nice."

"Since when am I supposed to be nice to her?" Draco said.

"Well, she is Sirius' girl," Harry said, trying to keep his nerves down. "I suppose we should at least to be cordial."

"You're such a hen," Draco said.

Darry sighed. "You see what I put up with."

"Yeah, having a real pity party for you over here," Emmy said.

"There you are!" Sirius suddenly entered the room and attempted to hug Darry from behind.

"Hey!" Emmy yelled, giving him a good shove. "You watch it, Black!"

Sirius rubbed his forehead. This was turning out to be a very trying day. And something in the way Darry yelled at him was really quite unsettling, as he found it oddly compelling.

~*~

Laure nibbled on one of a thousand cookies that Jael's damned cookie army had forced upon her as bribery to prevent any attacks on Commodus. She did another Click Add to Cart on the Nordstrom semi-annual sale and then moved on to the handbags.

"Hello, my dear! I am so sorry to be delayed, but that Organa is so loquacious."

Laure's mouth was half open, cookie raised. She watched Senator Palpatine as he sat in her velvet chair.

"But now I am here, and we may proceed," he said rather jauntily.

"Uh," Laure said, glancing around her office. Where the hell was everyone anyway? Thankfully, her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and answered. "I think I have something here that belongs to you."

"It's Dor's fault. Pub. Now."

~*~

"I'm cutting her off. That's it. I can't take anymore of this," Judy said as Cedric followed her every move around the Pub. "No more cheese for Dor. None! It's off my order sheet." Judy marched over to the bar, Cedric right on her heels, and she made a great motion of making a big red X through all of Dor's cheese requests.

All the women had gathered in the Pub to attempt to find a way to solve this problem, and they were certain that a solution would be expeditiously reached by consuming more alcohol than usual.

The men had all been lured there by the announcement that the ESPN cheerleader competition finals were starting in five minutes, and the first four minutes would involve free beer.

"I want my beer!" Logan protested as they continued to sit at the tables with empty glasses.

Emmy marched up to the front of the room. "Okay, everybody shut up and listen!" She smiled as the room suddenly went quiet, and all eyes were on her.

"Don't get excited, they think you're me," Darry said.

"Bollocks. Cedric doesn't think I'm you. He thinks Judy is you!"

"Hmm," Darry replied, hard-pressed for an explanation.

"This is yucky," Ellie said as she attempted to scoot as far away from Snape as possible.

Dande just kept holding her crucifix aloft to keep Spike at bay.

"You better not have so much as scratched my Commo!" Laure said.

"He was on my turf," Jael said. "Fair game!"

"He didn't know he was on your turf! It's Dor's fault."

"It's not my fault!"

"Enough!" Emmy yelled. "We've got a serious problem here, and we'd better fix it!"

"It's not my fault!" Kendra said in a panic. "All I told Sirius was that Home Depot might have that drill?"

"WHAT?" all female voices responded to Kendra.

"So it's not my fault?" Dor said.

"It IS your fault," Darry said. "That Marauder isn't smart enough to make a black hole."

"Hey!" Emmy said.

Sirius just pouted in the corner.

"We haven't passed through a black hole," Noe said. "Trust me. Been there. I think the best thing to do is have the Doctor, my Doctor, turn us back to just before Dor did that…whatever it is she did."

"But what if this screwed up the Tardis, too?" Emmy said.

"It didn't," Noe said. "By the time I extricated myself, I found Blaise dancing to Lady Gaga. Everything is as it should be in there."

"Right, so we'll just go there now," Darry said, trying to gather her boys and McCoy, who all recoiled from her.

"Wait one minute!" Delphi said. "Worf is still missing."

"As is Tav!" Emmy said.

"I can't find Max either," Jael said. Thankfully, Bond had flown to London to buy a new car.

Darry sighed. "Really, a majority outcome is the best we can hope for here."

"I don't think so!" Emmy said.

"Hold on," Judy said, raising her hands and jumping up onto a table just so she wouldn't have Cedric in her face. "We're missing someone else, too."

"Who?" Kendra said.

And after a half-second of silence, a very loud, collective gasp occurred followed by, "THE GENERAL!"

~*~

General Kenobi, General Maximus, Colonel Tavington, and Lieutenant Commander Worf all stood shoulder to shoulder on a grassy clearing. As if on cue, all shifted their stances from left to right as they observed the scene just beyond them.

"I have a bad feeling about this," the General said.

"Yes," the Other General said.

"We could lock them inside and burn it," the Colonel said, hand resting on the hilt of his sword.

"We should move quickly," Worf said. "I'll take out the ones that shriek. They are weak and will swiftly fall."

Max smiled and shook his head. "I don't think there is a need for violence."

"But they shriek," Worf said.

"Indeed," Tav snarled.

"I've been in this situation before," the General said.

"I'm sure you have," Tav sighed. Sometimes Colonists seemed like a real walk in the park.

"The shrieking ones are moving toward us," Worf said. "I do not understand why they are termed princesses when they shriek."

The General's stance shifted back to the left. "All we need to do is…."

"Run?" Max said.

"Yeah, that'll do," the General said, and all four of them took off sprinting across the grounds of Princess Academy.

~*~

"So?" Noe said, glancing around as the disco lights kicked on again.

"Uh yeah, I think that did it," Ellie said as Darry and her boys quickly retreated under a table.

Dande hurried over to the Mediator, "Laure, I'm so sorry for burning your boyfriend, but—"

"I'm sure he deserved it," Laure said. "I really need a drink."

"Monkey, don't be angry."

Emmy sat very sullen with her arms crossed.

"I didn't know that you weren't you," Sirius said.

"You should have known," Emmy said.

"How could I have? No one else knew," he said, trying to put his arm around her shoulders.

"I don't know," Emmy said. "But you just should have."

"Yep, I'd say things are right back to normal again," Judy said.

"This is a strange place," McCoy said as he glanced around.

"You have no idea," Tavington replied.

"Another day, another battle well fought," Max said, giving the Doctor a solid bro slap on the shoulder as he retreated from the crowd.

"Can you just stop stapling him for five minutes?" Delphi said in passing as she hurried after Kendra, who still had her staple gun ready to fire.

McCoy shrugged and looked around for a beer. "I can see why you'd need a doctor around here."

~*~

"I've got it!"

"Forget it."

"No, really," Dor said excitedly as she read through a new book. "I needed the wings of a gnat, not the eyes of a newt!"

"Absolutely not," Xani said, pulling the book away from her. "Do you know how long it's going to take me to recover from that little experiment of yours?"

"Oh please," Dor said, giving him a shove. "You hid on the shelves the entire time he was here."

"It's true," Pelham said. "You did."

"I didn't ask you," Xani said.

"No one ever does," Pelham said, sipping his wine.

"This is perfect," Dor said as she read through the instructions again. "Absolutely foolproof."

~*~

"What's that noise?"

"Hmm?"

"That," McCoy held up his hand. "Right there. Did you hear that?"

Darry concentrated for a moment and then heard the rumbling. Then she shrugged. "Probably just thunder."

And then the entire room began to shake, bath water sloshing in waves out of the tub and onto the floor. Darry lunged for her phone. "DOR!"

"It's not my fault!"

The End