HSU Fic: "The Bridges of Estrogen County" Part 1 of ?
Author: Donna

Beta: Self; I was impatient to post, okay? lol

Timeline: After "Don't Fear the Ripper"

Rating: WBB/WPC [Wedding Bell Blues/Whatever Possessed Crow?]

Summary: The Wench/Watcher wedding is coming. Also, Crow's acting strange... okay, stranger than usual.

====================

"It's like riding a bloody bicycle."

-- Rupert "Ripper" Giles,

BtVS "Dead Man's Party"

====================

Donna had enjoyed a relaxing day off from the rigors of her job as HSU's Theatrical Director; well, mostly relaxing. She had no papers to grade and no video-taped scenes of class members honing their art, and that was a good thing; still, she felt restless. That might have had something to do with the fact that her fiancee was out of town on Watcher Council business.

Her fiancee.... the thought that she was engaged to marry Rupert Giles still sent a thrill through the very core of her wenchly being. She glanced at the diamond solitaire on the ring finger of her left hand, remembering how Dande and Laure had ooo'd and aaahhh'd over it.... and how Emmy had snorted and pronounced it far too small on his Watcher salary. But Donna didn't care... even if Judy thought Rupert had given her Wrigley Field as an engagement gift. "Wrong kind of diamond, doll face!"

Dande had gifted her with bridal magazines up to wazoo, outlining everything from gown designs to reception planning. A flight of butterflies tickled Donna's stomach walls; she wanted to go through with it, but why was she getting stage fright? Wasn't this *her* big day? And what about Rupert?

She allowed herself to be distracted from these thoughts by a comedy show on BBC America she had stumbled across. Something about a group of 40-something men growing older disgracefully; she couldn't help but giggle about some of the phallic humor. She checked the listings to see when it would be on again so she could watch it with her Ripper.

That's when the knock came... precise, rhythmic, and very quick. Donna moved to the round door of her modified Hobbit Hole and slowly opened it, finding a tall man on her doorstep.

"Good afternoon," he began, peering over his glasses at her. "I'm here from The Watcher Times; we have a special introductory offer for new subscribers."

"Oh, *have* you now?" Donna sounded a bit dubious.

"Um.. yes." The salesman leered playfully. "Subscribe now and you get to boink a real live Watcher."

"Hmmmmm." Donna took hold of his tie and led him inside her lair. "Okay... I choose you!" And with that she pulled Rupert Giles inside and shut the door behind them. She giggled as they got busy kissing; Giles pinned her to the wall, leering at her. "Ripper...."

"I missed you today," he husked into her ear. "You've no idea how dry and tedious the Watcher Council can be."

"Aww... poor baby," she half cooed, half gasped. "Did you tell them? What did they say?"

"They were against our marrying," Giles growled dangerously. "Pillocks."

Donna came close to thudding, but held tight to his shoulders to attempt to prevent it.

"So... it's... it's not off, is it?"

"Good Lord..." He cupped her face in his hand. "Certainly not. And I told them as much." He smiled brilliantly. "'Look,' I told them, 'whom I marry is very much my own affair.' Then... then I fell into a stammering wreck for roughly a minute while I told them I meant my mind was made up." He laughed. "In the end, Wesley helped me persuade them it was the acceptable thing to do. Must watch out for the next generation of Watchers, after all."

"Everyone has placed such high expectations on us and this wedding," Donna sighed, flashing her finest doe-eyes look at her lover. "Rupert darling... tell me again why we can't just elope?"

"Erm..." He fought to remain logical as best he could as their proximity made his head swim. "Be... because you want a huge obscenely expensive wedding at General Kenobi's expense?"

Well, Kenobi *had* told them he'd cover the bill and to do "whatevah your haaht desirahs." Emmy and the other Hos were all for taking the General at his word... Kendra had even suggested holding the wedding by one of her bodies of water, thus blessing their union with her own Water Empress-hood.

"That makes me sound like a Ho, doesn't it?" Donna's brow knit in worry, which caused Giles to think that MAYBE he should change his tact.

"Good Lord... ah.. because... because you... you want to wench me properly and you shan't be able to do so if we run off to the drive through chapel in 'Vegas?"

His effort was rewarded by the sight of a playful and slightly wicked smile on Donna's face.

"And I've got reasons of my own, Rupert Giles... because you look SO hot in that Victorian styled tux." She reached up to play with the hair at the back of his neck. "Prrrrroowwwww!"

"Oh, so we're making this personal, are we?" He kissed her, smiling against her lips. "Let's not forget there's that little detail about the *dress* you won't allow me to see... You are SUCH a tease, love."

"Heh. And you like it," she purred.

"Indeed I do." As he moved in for the kill, the scene faded to black...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"RED RUM... RED RUM...."

"Aaack! What the phuq?" Emmy felt like she'd just walked into the middle of a bad film adaptation of a Stephen King book. Her office was a total mess, Tom Servo hiding in vain behind her coat rack behind the door while Crow rode a little peddle car around like some kind of speed demon and bumping into things, causing very fragile and very expensive items to shatter into a million pieces. "What is your major malfunction?!?"

Crow turned his head around 180 degrees and stared at her with glazed over yellow eyes.

"Yo mamma sews socks that SMELL!"

"Crow, stop it!" Servo sobbed. "You're creeping me out!"

"Servo, what do you know about this?" The Diva narrowed her eyes. "'Fess up, vendo-boy."

"He's... he's been acting strange since you were on Alderaan, your Diva-ousness. I think he's possessed."

Crow spewed a foul greenish fluid all over the room, catching Emmy and Tom with it... and Kendra as she opened the door.

"Ewwww, what IS that?" Emmy gagged. "Pea soup?"

"No," Kendra murmured. "I think it's a mixture of hydraulic fluid, WD-40, and Castrol GTX.... with a touch of Windex for texture. Shaken, not stirred." She looked down at herself. "Ewww. Messy."

"He's possessed, I tell you!" Tom Servo was nearly hysterical. "You've GOT to do something!"

Emmy opened the lap drawer of her desk and took out a little gift meant for Dande, then sighed.

"I'll get her another one later. This is war." Emmy tore open the wrappings and brandished the contents before her in a warding gesture. One bottle of Holy Water; Dande swore by the stuff. "Forward, reverse, neutral, park. High thee hence, thou leafy narc!" Kendra snickered, bringing Emmy's glare down upon her. "Yeah, right... Like I know how to do an exorcism." Her eyes widened as she heard the clue bell. "Ken! Tom! Get Giles on the phone on the double!"

"So you're ordahing my secretary about now, Emmy love?" The smug look on Obi-Wan's face was priceless... well, for the split second before that eughy greenish fluid was spewed all over him. "Um... Exorcism, did you say? No problem. Ordah away."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Giles and Donna looked much more relaxed now, albeit decidedly disheveled. His glasses sat eschew on his face as he sighed in total satisfaction. Donna's eyes sparkled mischievously as she loomed over Giles, pressing him back onto her couch in front of the fireplace.

"No fair! You *know* you're irresistibly sexy when your glasses are knocked off kilter."

But there was no further busyness to be had just then. The phone rang.

"Don't answer it," Ripper whispered seductively. "If we ignore them, they'll go away."

"Sorry, Thud-muffin," Donna sighed. "Look at the Caller-ID; it's Emmy. She'll KILL me if I don't take this call."

"Yes... yes, you'd best take the call," he agreed a little grudgingly, laughing slightly in spite of himself. "Resurrections never were my strong suit."

Donna nibbled on Giles ear briefly, then scooped up the handset of her cordless phone.

"Hello?" She paused, grinning. "Emmy, what a coincidence. Ripper and I were just talking about you." She sat up, making a placating gesture while she spoke. "Take it easy, Emmy. Just breath, okay? What's the problem?" Donna turned to Giles. "Do you do exorcisms, Rupert?"

"Well, yes... I've had occasion..."

"We're on our way, Emmy. Hang tight..." Donna was off the couch an instant later. "Crow's possessed; come on."

"Crow? That odd bird-like robot with absolutely no decorum whatsoever?"

"The very same." She took two motorcycle helmets down from her closet at tossed one to Giles. "Do we need anything from your place?"

"A book or two, a few candles, some Holy Water, and a large quartz sphere... the one I've been using as a paperweight should do nicely."

As the couple hurried from Bag End II, a long, slender form watched from the shrubbery. As it left the cover of the bushes, its true appearance was made apparent: it was a Pooka. A ferret carrying a question mark handled umbrella in one hand and a gold effigy of Crow in the other. She watched as Donna's motorcycle sped off with the Wench driving and her Watcher in the side car.

Things were progressing very nicely. The Princess Chickens would be pleased.

And the ferret laughed....

<TBC>