Title: HSU: Buying an Elf or "Commo, You Gots Some Explaining to Do"!
Author: Laure
Rating: AAA--Auction Aftermath Absurdity
Disclaimer: So not mine, well, except me.
A/N: All props to Emmy for without her "Cattle Call" this wouldn't exist. Hope it doesn't suck.

The princesses had been driven from HSU. Lasher was back under the control of his mistress. The HSU Fire Department was rolling their hoses--and posing, though Tanner was facing the wall and sticking his butt out. Xani was grumbling and massaging a nasty bite mark on one cheek.

And not the one on his face.

Most of the Hos and the Wench were in good spirits, having defeated the evil princesses, and having a blast.

Two were not happy.

Kendra gave up chasing Commo and headed to the power behind the throne.

Darry got off the phone with her servant, threw it on the ground and stomped on it, then kicked through the debris as she headed for the Mediator, too.

Laure smiled up at Aragorn and discreetly squeezed his biceps.

"You can't have him," both the Water Ho and the Nurse proclaimed at the same time.

Giving them a confused look, Laure replied, "Since when did you want Aragorn?"

"Not him," Darry said with a flap of her hand. "The elf."

"I didn't bid on the elf."

"Your idiot emperor did," Kendra ranted.

"He wasn't registered. He bid no money. I'm sure the elf is still available."

"Yo, Laure, you owe us sixteen thousand bucks," Dorotea said, walking over to them and punching buttons on a calculator. "Hi, Strider."

"Lady Dorotea."

"See, you did buy Legolas," Kendra complained. "This just can't be fair."

"I did not buy Legolas." Seeing she wasn't about to persuade Kendra and noticing the purple sparks coming from Darry's fingertips, Laure turned her attention to Dorotea. "I didn't bid on the elf. And speaking of bidding, I didn't bid five grand for the Ranger either."

"I clearly heard you say five thousand," Dorotea replied with a completely straight face.

"Lady? Did I hear you right? Did you buy..."

Laure cut off Aragorn quickly and hissed at Dorotea. "Fine. You take credit cards?" She zipped her Offworld card out of her pocket.

The Librarian gave her a look of pure disbelief. "You expect us to pay ourselves with our own money? Cash or your own Visa or Mastercard."

*****

Meanwhile across the Coliseum, Judy rested her bat over her shoulder while Jael did the same with her sword, as they dusted chicken feathers off themselves.

"Well, that was fun, but I have an appointment with the General."

"He's with Max and Da Mastah at the cottage," Jael said. "All that princess bashing gave me quite an appetite. Let's go find our men and celebrate properly."

The two Hos high-fived each other and strode out of the arena.

*****

"Look, I want a refund. I didn't even bid on anyone," Ellie said, trying to persuade Xani to return her registration fee.

Xani pointed to the sign and the teeny-weeny print at the bottom. "Non-refundable, but thanks for playing."

Narrowing her eyes at him, Ellie wondered what Dorotea would do if her husband just disappeared. Mentally shuddering at the image of herself as a chicken, she tried a different tack. "C'mon, Xani, have pity on a poor, struggling student."

Chuckling, Xani replied, "Last time I looked, each student had a substantial share in a hugely over-producing diamond mine."

"I have three men to feed and water."

"And none of you have used a cent of your own money for anything in the last year. I want those credit cards back, by the way."

Ellie scowled. Xani scowled back.

Logan, Han and Indy dashed into the arena, all half-dressed and sporting bed hair--which on Logan was quite frightening.

"Don't tell me you bought him," Logan growled, pointing his middle claw in Xani's direction.

"Oh, sure, I've always wanted to be a headless chicken," Ellie retorted.

"That was a dirty trick, Ellie, sneaking out when we were all asleep."

"Woman after my own heart," Han grinned and tugged the Ho into his arms. "So, which one of these guys did you buy and, you know he has to sleep at the foot of the bed."

"None."

"Aw, you love us after all," Indy smirked, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"None of them compared to you guys. Now, I'm starving. Let's order a pizza and watch something violent and stupid on cable." She gave Xani one last nasty look before leading her harem from the arena.

*****

Dande patted down her hair and made sure her manicure was impeccable, then smiled at Emmy who was looking in every corner for stray princesses. "We got them all, Em."

"How'd they get in here without setting off the princess alarms?"

The Wench shrugged. "Dumb luck, I'm guessing. Well, that was exhilarating. And such wonderful eye candy."

"All we need. More useless men around here."

"We can always use more men."

At that moment, Lasher broke free of his leash and ran behind the bleachers, barking his head off. A moment later he returned dragging a screeching princess by the hem of her short, short pink mini-skirt.

"I knew there was another one around here," Emmy cried triumphantly, reaching for the princess' ear. "Dor, stop fooling around with Laure and her new harem boy and come put a spell on this thing."

*****

"Did she just call the once and future king a harem boy?"

"I don't think he's been a king yet," Kendra tried to be helpful, hoping that by being helpful, Laure'd give her the elf.

Dorotea tucked her calculator in the waistband of her black, black skirt, and drew out a tattered paperback copy of 'Chicken Spells Made Easy'. "Look, I gotta go. Pay up now."

Laure pointed at Aragorn who was growing more and more uncomfortable with this money talk and looking like he desperately wanted to be up a tree somewhere. "Two thousand for him."

"Five."

There was a long pause, then a heavy sigh from the Mediator. "Check?"

Dorotea thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Fine."

As the Mediator wrote out a check--to Dorotea, of course, not Xani--Commodus wandered over, eying Kendra cautiously, until he recognized her.

"Ah, the lady who looks like my sister. Have you thought of wearing your hair in ringlets?"

"GAH." Kendra fled across the arena.

"Good, she left, the elf's mine now," Darry proclaimed.

Laure handed Dorotea the check, and the Wo folded it and slipped it down her shirt, then headed over to the remaining princess.

"Dearest, I gather I purchased a slave after all?"

Laure turned from giving Aragorn hand gestures to make himself scarce--which he was doing with abject relief--and frowned up at her emperor. "Huh?"

"The archer. I was not bidding, but now that I have had time to think on the matter, I have found a use for him."

Darry began to growl.

"No, no, I don't want the archer, dear. We don't need him. You don't need him to be the first man in a new army. Max's army will protect us." At Commo's pointed look, the Wo faltered a bit. "It will."

"Slaves, former gladiators, riff raff, beloved. No, you need better protection than that. But, sadly I cannot afford to raise an entire army, so I will rely on this one man."

"To do what?"

"Protect you, of course. I believe the term is 'bodyguard'? We saw one in a movie once, remember, starring Roy 'Tin Cup' McLeroy?"

"I don't need a bodyguard."

"She doesn't need a bodyguard," Darry added. "Look, I'll pay you five hundred bucks for the elf."

Laure swung her head around. "What? We just bid eleven thou for him!"

"He's used."

Xani chose to appear at that moment. "Okay, pay up, sixteen thousand."

"I already paid for..." Laure halted in mid sentence, took a deep breath, and continued in a conciliatory voice. "I paid your wife five thousand. I'm not paying for the elf."

"Of course not, dearest. I made the bid, even if inadvertently, I shall pay." Commodus drew a pouch from his dress toga. "This should cover it, my good man."

Xani opened the pouch and poured a handful of ancient gold coins into one hand.

"I thought you were out of money," Laure protested.

Commo gave her a sheepish look. "One never discloses ones true financial state to another, beloved."

"I'm not just 'another'!"

He patted her hand and ignored her glaring at him.

"You got him to buy the elf for you, didn't you," Darry accused.

"I don't want the elf!" Laure shouted.

"Whatever." Twirling on her heel, the Nurse headed for the exit and her husband, whom she hadn't seen in going on three hours now.

*****

"That was exciting," Roux muttered sarcastically, as the fire men stowed their hoses.

"At least we didn't get put up for sale," Boromir replied, frowning as the band-aid fell off his finger.

"If we end up in that freezing lake tomorrow fixing those thrice damned fountains, we're going to wish we had been," Tyr added, frowning in the direction of the Captain who had been joined by that other water-loving tyrant.

"He looked at me."

"Ken, you need to get over you Roman Emperor whatevers," Tara replied.

"And they bought Legolas right out from underneath me...er...so to speak."

"Yeah, that was kinda funny."

Kendra shot her fellow water empress a look. "She can't own both of them."

"Why not?"

"Because." Kendra stomped her foot and waved her arms in Laure's direction. "I've a good mind to tell Commo just what's she up to with the Ranger."

Tara snickered behind one hand. "You'd have to actually talk to him, then."

Kendra deflated. "Drat. I need an emergency appointment."

"Well, you're the secretary," Tara called after her as Kendra headed for the arched exit.

"No new members of the fire department, Captain?" Tanner asked, nearly running into her.

Tara steaded him. "Nope. You guys are just right for me."

Manly high-fives ensued.

Smiling indulgently, the Captain admired the rippling abs and nicely pumped biceps on her men.

*****

Back at the cottage, two Generals and a Master were discussing the lack of quality of the Monday Night Football commentators and drinking fresh beers--it was half-time, a time to stock up on snacks and brewskies.

Judy and Jael walked in to find them all reclining in leather recliners, in various stages of dishevelment, loudly condemning the addition of John Madden to the booth. It took them several minutes to notice the addition of very expensive perfume to the odors of beer, salsa and dog.

Obi-Wan smiled up at Judy. "Is the auction over?"

"...What?"

Another smile, this one enough to make the bartender waver in her stylish shoes. "Really, dahling, I do know some of the things that go on around here."

Judy blushed, then sterned up her look and tapped her watch. "We're going to be late for the movie."

Giddy as a school boy, the General jumped to his feet and brushed chip crumbs off his black shirt. "Star Trek it is."

"Are those chicken feathers in your hair, Jael?" Da Mastah asked, concerned.

Max strode quickly to his warrior princess' side and plucked a feather from behind her ear. She flushed in pleasure.

"We had an invasion of princesses trying to buy the General. No problem. Between my sword, Judy's bat, and Lasher, we dispatched them all."

"Was I for sale?" Obi-Wan asked, confused.

"Well, Xani was the auctioneer. Go figure," Judy said. "Don't worry, Emmy set him straight," she added as Da Mastah sighed heavily.

"The money *is* going to charity, correct?"

Everyone turned to look at Qui-Gon, then began to laugh.

"Boy, will Xani be pissed," Jael said, snickering. "He looks so good hoisted on his own petard."

Qui-Gon nodded and smiled with just a hint of deviltry in his eyes. "I think that we should all be there when Xanatos turns over a large check to the Estrogen County Chapter of the Galactic Organization for Women."

More laughter erupted and the dogs began to bark.

*****

On discovering that no one was under attack in the auditorium, and noticing the lustful look in the eyes of more than one woman, Legolas slipped away as soon as possible. There seemed to be some kind of buying and selling going on, but he wasn't certain just what was for sale.

He had a really bad feeling it was him.

Sometimes he wondered if facing a horde of Orcs wasn't the better option, but then he remembered the soft smiles and laughter of the women and the stink of the Orcs, and decided to stick around HSU.

As he meditated in his tree, he felt the presence of Aragorn and opened one eye.

"And that was...?"

Dropping to a crouch to ladle some Elvish ale into a mug, Aragorn shrugged. "More of the same around here."

Legolas nodded thoughtfully.

Aragorn cocked one silky eyebrow. "And, no, this is still better than Orcs."

The elf's upper lip twitched into a smile. "The women certainly smell better."

The Ranger chuckled in agreement.

*****

Darry strode into the clinic, skirted around the pile of newly delivered roasters, toasters, and various other appliances, shot Pelham a dirty look while he frowned at the 'please hold' music on the speaker phone and the television announcers chirping happily about how everyone needed a scumbuster, and took the stairs two at a time--not easy to do in skinny Jimmy Choo's.

Opening her bedroom door, she found her husband lounging on the bed wearing nothing but a smile and brandishing a bottle of chocolate syrup.

"Time for my lesson in addition?"

All frustration disappearing--replaced with an abundance of the more pleasant variety--Darry pounced.

*****

Having finished his transaction, Commodus looked around for his new purchase, and frowned at being unable to find him. "Well, that is certainly not a good way to begin."

Knowing that Legolas was no doubt up a tree somewhere, Laure sighed in resignation. "He's probably being stealthy."

"...Ah." Commo beamed and took her arm. "Shall we adjourn to our chambers, dearest? Your new bodyguard can stand watch outside the outer door," he added loudly over his shoulder.

Laure rolled her eyes.

*****

Emmy looked up from scratching Lasher behind the ears and promising him lots of doggie treats. "Did the idiot emperor really buy the elf?"

"I believe so." Dande grinned. "Laure's just leaped ahead of Ellie in the man count."

"Ungrateful," the Diva muttered.

Carefully skirting the dog happily thumping its tail on the floor, Xani approached the pair, leering at Emmy. "So, no purchases for you, princess?"

"Grrr."

"Xani."

He turned a slightly sheepish look at the chiding Dande. "Oh, come on, Mom. What's life without a little teasing?"

"And just what do you plan to do with your new found wealth?"

"Add it to all my other wealth." He grinned unapologetically.

Dande simply smiled knowingly. "Why don't you come back to the cottage? I baked fresh snicker-doodles today."

"Did I hear the mention of fresh cookies?" Dorotea asked, joining the group.

"Did you collect all my money?"

"I collected *our* money." She shifted slightly as the checks scratched tender parts of her body.

Xani leered down his wife's cleavage. "Ooh, look. Treasure!"

*****

Kendra sat at the bar, tongue pressed against the corner of her mouth as she drew diagrams for revenge on napkins. Jen sat next to her, drowning out her companion's muttering with a margarita.

"I really wanted Barbarian number three."

"Shouldn't have spent your monthly dividend on Pink Banana purchases," Kendra replied, not looking up from the picture of Commo with a tranq dart in his butt.

"Yeah, right. Hey, that's a good likeness of Commo."

"That's his ass."

"Well, yeah. He's got a good one."

Kendra shot Jen Jen a horrified look.

"He's got to have something physical going for him. Laure's too smart a Ho to keep such an idiot around if he doesn't have the looks."

"There's always love."

Jen nodded slowly. "True. Love is blind and all that rot, but, still. He's nuts."

"Laure seems to like them that way. Look at Spike."

A leering smile crossed the other Ho's face. "Yeah, yum!"

Kendra rolled her eyes and resumed drawing. "Wonder where I can get elephant tranquilizer."

"Ellie."

The Water Ho's eyes lit up. "Yeah!"

*****

Snuggled beneath their furs, Jael recounted the events of the evening to Max, who listened thoughtfully.

"So, Commodus has begun to build his army."

"I kind of doubt that. One man, even an immortal elf, does not an army make."

"Still...Perhaps it is time to have a long overdue talk with him."

Jael sat up and looked down at her lover in alarm. "You can't kill him."

Max arched a brow. "I hadn't planned on it...Unless he pushes me too far," he mumbled under his breath."

"I heard that. Max, I know what he did was unforgivable, but you've managed to pretty much avoid him for three years now. Laure's got him under control."

Max pulled her back down into his arms. "His woman believes she has him under control, but no one knows him like I do. No, Jael. It is time to get everything out in the open. It is time Commodus understood his place in this world."

Jael sighed and gave up on trying to change his mind.

Hopefully there wouldn't be much bloodshed.

Laure'd never forgive her if Commo actually died or something.

"Now, my love, let's put all thoughts of the mad monster aside. I know what battling princesses does to you." Grinning, he dove beneath the furs.

"Oh, Max!"

*****

Having walked Lasher around the lake on this unseasonably warm evening, Emmy tiredly opened her door and kicked off her shoes as she reached for the light switch. Before she could turn it on, a lamp flickered into light revealing the Braid sitting on the couch, smiling in her direction.

"Just what I needed," Emmy said, suddenly enervated. Unhooking the leash from Lasher, she slipped onto the couch, tucking her legs beneath her.

Obi-Wan wrapped one arm around her shoulders and kissed her softly. "Have a good evening, love?"

"Uneventful."

"Can you think of anything to make it eventful?"

Emmy wrapped her fingers around his braid and tugged him back to her for a kiss. "Oh, I'm sure we can think of something."

*****

"An HD plasma tv, that new XX Box that Nintendo's developing, a fleet of motorcycles..." Xani stopped reciting the items he planned to purchase with his auction winnings as he, Dorotea and Dande entered the cottage.

Qui-Gon sat at the kitchen table munching on a cookie and drinking milk.

"Look, it's Santa Claus."

Dorotea thwapped her husband's arm and reached for a cookie.

"So, how much did you earn tonight, Xanatos."

Xani growled under his breath, something about the impossibility of keeping anything a secret at HSU.

"Nearly thirty thousand dollars," Dorotea chimed in, grabbing a second cookie. "These are really good, Dande. What's the spice? It's not just cinnamon."

"I decided to try a bit of cardamon..."

"Who cares?" Xani interrupted. "No one's taking my money."

Da Mastah nodded sagely and gestured for them all to sit. Dande patted his shoulder as she headed to the stove to put the kettle on for cocoa. Dorotea sat down, tugging a reluctant Xani into the seat next to her. "Very true, Xanatos. No one is taking your money."

His next comment wiped the burgeoning evil grin off his former Padawan's face. "You will give your winnings to charity. Since slavery is illegal in Estrogen County, this was, of course, a charity auction of bachelors, correct?"

Dorotea began to snicker and choke on her cookie as the disbelief grew on Xani's face finally erupting as one long " Fu....."

*****

A green head poked through the main doors of the now darkened coliseum.

"Oh, pooh. I missed the man auction." Lorne pouted.

End