Title: HSU - Cattle Call
Author: Emmy
Rating: IADF (It's All Darry's Fault)
Notes: Here's the man auction. Forgive my outcomes, they just took hold of me.

"Here you go." BAM "Ow."

Emmy looked up and through the crack her in barely open door to see Tanner rubbing his forehead and facing the wall opposite his desk.

"Over here, Ross," she said. "Careful of the door, no, to the left, there you go."

BAM "Ow."

"Oops, sorry 'bout the desk," Emmy said. "I really need a bigger office."

"Here's the memo you requested," Tanner said, handing it to Emmy.

"Thank you. Everybody is always itching to know the holiday party schedule," she said, taking it from him."

"Ow. Oops," Tanner repeated as he tried to get back to his desk and the ringing phone.

"What the...." Emmy scrunched her face as she looked down at the memo Tanner typed. It read:

Ujr Vjtod,dy,sd grdyoboroyord str sy jsmf/ Yjr [styu dvjrfi;r od sd gp;;perd"

Frn,rt 6 = z,pbor mohjy eoyj yjr HRmrts; Ypmohjy

d grsyitrd go;, od yjr jp;ofsu v;sddov.

zoy

d s Epmfrtsi; z;ogr/ Gp;;perf nu yjr Yjr Htomvj Ejp Dyp;r Vjtody,sd smf S Vjotdyp,sd Dyptu/

"Shit," Emmy mumbled. "Now I'm actually going to have type these myself." Then she scowled when her phone rang. That hadn't happened for nearly a week. Grabbing the phone, she answered "Yeah what."

"Very professional," Laure said.

"And I care because...??"

"How much is the registration fee?"

"Errrr, registration fee for what?"

"For the auction."

"What auction."

Laure sighed. "The MAN auction."

Emmy sat up in her chair. "WHAT man auction?" Emmy scowled. "Did you just thunk your head at me?"

"The. Flier."

"I'm not deaf. What flier?"

"The flier that says 'Man Auction, eight p.m., registration at seven p.m. blah blah blah, call the Dean for more information. So I'm calling the Dean for more information. You still *are* the De-- Hello?" Laure growled as she heard the clunk, clunk of Emmy's phone being dropped on the floor.

"What the--" BAM "Dammit!" Emmy yelled as her door slammed into her desk as she tried to quickly exit her office.

"You have a call," Tanner said.

"Stop doing your job right!" Emmy said, marching out into the hall and straight into Kendra's office.

"What the hell is going on here?!"

"I'm busy," Kendra said, gnawing on Gummy Santa and while downloading yacht details to the General's Palm Pilot.

"Man auction? WHAT man auction??" Emmy demanded, hands on her hips.

"Ppfft, it's *your* man auction, why you asking me?" Kendra said. "Hey!" she protested as Emmy began searching through the papers on Kendra's desk.

"Laure said there was a flier. Ah-ha!" Emmy glared at the paper in her fist:

Man Auction Tonight in the Coliseum

8:00 pm sharp, registration begins at 7:00

Cash Only

For more information, call the Dean

Emmy squinted as she read the fine print:

Dor, stay home.

"XANI!" Emmy growled, crumpling the flier and throwing it in the trash.

"Hey, I needed that!" Kendra protested as the Diva hurried out of her office and toward the library.

~*~

"Elf, elf baby!"

Xani laughed maniacally.

Pelham rolled his eyes and turned up the volume on the QVC's price break on the George Foreman Roaster.

"I think these poinsettias are way too red, don't you think?" Dor said as she tried to arrange her holiday decor.

"They're poinsettias," LP said. "They're supposed to be red."

"But do they have to be THAT red?" Dor asked, crossing her arms. Then she reached out and ripped the gold foil off the containers. "I dunno, it's looking a bit too cheerful in here, what do you guys think?" she asked as she turned around.

"Take that, you little prick," Xani mumbled as he knocked down another elf.

"No, I want *ten* of the roasters," LP said, phone attached to his head.

"Um, hello, I'm talking here!" Dor said. "How about black lights on the tree, that might be better, right?"

"Score!" Xani yelled.

"He makes a rotisserie as well?" LP said.

Dor made an Unhappy Wo Face. "On second thought, maybe I'll paint the whole library yellow."

"Ha! Five more!" Xani raised his arm in the air.

"What exactly is the difference between the roaster and the rotisserie?"

"And once I'm done with that," Dor said, "I'll decorate in...in fashions by Martha Stewart!"

"Aiiiirrrr ellllllf," Xani chanted.

"If the roaster works faster, why does one need a rotisserie?"

"And I'll pay for it all with my Offworld Card!"

"Hey!" Xani said. "What are you spending my money on??"

Dor grabbed a big, heavy pewter stocking holder to throw at Xani when the library door suddenly flew open.

"XANI!"

"Ah fuck, here come the furies," Xani said as Emmy marched into the library.

"In last year's fashions," LP muttered.

"Explain this!" Emmy demanded, shoving the flier in front of Xani's face.

"What?" Dor said, grabbing it from Emmy's hand. "A man auction? Cool!"

"Cool your jets, Princess, it's Darry's idea," Xani said to Emmy. Then he turned to Dor, "You're not going."

"Excuse me?" Dor said.

"I *said*, you're not going," Xani repeated.

Dor smacked him upside the head.

Emmy made gagging noises as Dor and the Greysider suddenly fell to a rampant scramble on the floor. The Diva made a hurried exit as LP continued to haggle with the QVC operator.

~*~

"Oi! Nurse!"

Darry rolled her eyes as Emmy banged on the clinic door. "I'm busy!"

Emmy barged in anyway. "What the hell is he doing here?"

"Injured."

Emmy gave the Nurse a dubious look as Boromir sat in a big cushy chair with one solitary bandaid on his finger. "Riiight."

"Hey, I don't judge your job," Darry said, unwrapping a clean smiley face bandaid.

"Yes, you do."

"Whatever," Darry shrugged.

"What's this man auction business?"

"Yeah, clever huh?"

Emmy made a disgruntled noise and exited the clinic. "Ingrates," she mumbled as she headed back to her office.

"*You're* the one who always says there are too many men around here!" Darry called after her.

"What's wrong with her?" Boromir asked as Darry replaced his bandaid.

"What isn't?" the Nurse responded.

~*~

"Hmmm," Judy said as she reviewed the various men on campus in her mind, wondering if she should place a bid on any of them. She could always use more heavy lifters or just somebody to order around.

"Whatever it is you're reading, you seem to be very intrigued."

Judy hid the flier behind her back and looked up at the General. "Oh nothing."

The General gave her a look.

Judy gave him her own look.

"It's early," he said, causing the pub doors to close with a wave of his hand.

"Yes," Judy said. "No patrons for at least a couple hours."

The General leaned across the bartop. "What evah shall we do?"

Judy grinned and grabbed him by the shirt.

~*~

Cap'n Tara made her way down the halls of the admin building toward the Clinic, her entire fire crew in tow.

Well, almost her entire fire crew.

"Is there going to be blood?" Roux asked. "Because that really isn't my scene."

Cap'n Tara stopped, her entire crew walking into her, the squealing of boots against shiny clean floors echoing through the building.

With a good elbow shove or two, Cap'n Tara got her crew back in line. "You," she said to Roux, pointing with authority, "are fire and RESCUE."

"But we're not exactly rescuing--"

"So if there's blood, DEAL WITH IT." Then Cap'n Tara turned back around and continued her quest toward the Clinic.

"This sucks," Tyr commented. "We're missing Passions."

"HSUFD!" Tara yelled, pounding on the Clinic door.

"Are we cops, too?" Roux said.

"Cool," Tyr replied.

Tara tried the Clinic door, only to find it locked. "Alright men, on the count of three. One--"

And with that, Tyr crashed through the Clinic door.

Tara sighed. "Fine." She followed Tyr into the Clinic and found Boromir lounging on his big cushy chair.

"You!" Tara said, pointing her axe at Boromir.

"What?"

"On your feet!"

"Aragorn and Legolas said I couldn't go on the quest because I was dead, what else was I supposed to do?"

"UP!" Tara demanded

"The Nurse said I was supposed to stay here." Boromir frowned as the other men snickered at him.

"The Nurse said I was supposed to stay here," Tyr repeated in a high-pitched girlie voice while Plunkett and MacLeane made whipping noises.

Boromir grumbled and got out of his chair, showing his hand to Tara. "I have an injured finger."

"Awww, got a boo boo," Roux said.

"With a smiley face bandage," Tyr grinned.

"She said it was very serious," Boromir snarked.

Tara rolled her eyes and sighed with exasperation as her whole crew started making clucking noises. "Everybody, back to the station, now!"

~*~

"Laure dearest, it seems that there is to be a slave auction in the Coliseum tonight in my honor. Where is my laurel wreath?" Commo asked as he emptied out his dresser drawers.

Spike snorted and opened his mouth to hurl a clever insult.

"Shut up," Laure said, smacking the vamp on the forehead. "It's already on your head, Commodus," she said gently to her crazy emperor.

"Ah. Yes, of course," Commo said, feeling his head and then smiling at Laure. "Thank you, sweet flower."

Spike made another noise of insult.

"I said shut up," Laure said.

Spike glowered. "How--"

"Shut."

"But--"

"Up."

"My sword?" Commo asked as he started going through Laure's drawers.

"No, you are not taking your sword," Laure said, getting up and pulling Commo away from making a mess of her things. "And it's *not* in my dresser anyway."

"But Laureeee."

"No."

Spike laughed.

Laure sighed and sat down at her dressing table. "I wonder how much Aragorn will go for."

Spike stopped laughing and went back to glowering.

"Laure darling, it is befitting of an emperor to be armed."

"No."

Commo took Laure's hand and kissed it. "Dearest," he said, giving her his best pleading puppy dog look.

Laure smiled and stroked Commo's cheek.

Commo smiled victoriously and kissed her wrist.

"It's still no, though," Laure said.

"But--"

"Uh-uh."

"Maximus will probably be armed," he pouted.

"Mm-hmm," Laure responded distractedly as she powdered her nose.

~*~

"Forget it."

Ellie tried to step around Han as he blocked her access to the door.

"No way, babe," Logan said, falling in line next to Han.

"Don't tell me what to do," Ellie said, trying to step around him but running smack into Indy.

"We have to put our feet down on this," Indy said.

Ellie put her hands on her hips. "Excuse me?"

"No more men," Han said.

Ellie just laughed. Then she realized they weren't joking. "You can't prevent me from going tonight."

Her harem closed in on her. In a good way, of course.

~*~

"There you are, Mastah Darling!" Dande said, setting down the last of the appetizers for the Mastah's game night with the guys. "There is more beer in the refrigerator, so it should be nice and chilled for you boys."

"Thank you, Wishpuff," da Mastah said as he settled in his Barcalounger.

"Dande, this all looks wonderful," the General said. "Can I help you with anything?"

"No, no, Obi-Wan, you just sit down and enjoy yourself. You boys have a good time, I'm going over to watch movies with the girls," Dande said, quickly grabbing her coat and hurrying toward the door. "Oh, hello Max!" Dande said as she found him on the front step as she opened the door. "Please, come in." She turned her head toward the sound of the TV. "Mastah Darling, Max is here!" Then she smiled at Max, "Have a good time," she said as she scurried down the walkway.

"Max," the General said in greeting, handing the Other General a beer.

"Score?" Max asked, as he took a seat on the sofa.

"Just started," Da Mastah said.

"How is Jael?" the General asked.

"Very well," Max said. "Also watching movies with the girls this evening," he said with an amused sparkle in his eye.

"Man auction, hmm?" Da Mastah said.

"Yup," the General said, tossing peanuts in his mouth as Max chuckled.

"Do they really think we're that dumb that we don't know what they're doing," Da Mastah said.

"Yup," the General replied, taking a swig of beer.

~*~

Kendra tossed her credit card on the registration table.

"Cash only," Xani said.

"I don't have any cash!"

"Xani," Dor said, thwapping on the arm. "We won't make any money that way!"

"Here, give me the elf," Darry said pulling out her credit card.

"You can't buy the elf just like that!" Kendra said.

"Says who?"

"Says me!" Kendra says. "This is an auction, and he's mine!"

"Riiight," Darry said, tossing her card at Xani.

"Cash only," Xani said.

"Shut the fuck up, just give me the damn elf," Darry said.

"Hey!" Kendra exclaimed as Xani slid Darry's credit card through the machine.

"Here," Xani said, handing Darry her auction card with BITCH #1 imprinted in bold letters.

"What's this?" Darry said.

"Sorry Dar, you gotta bid just like everyone else. How else will we make any money?" Dor said.

"Geez, what is it with her wanting everybody else's men," Emmy said, slamming into the table and keeping a semi-tight reign on the leash as Lasher lunged at Xani.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Darry asked. "Are you going to be...ungrateful??"

"Bite me," Emmy said. "I have to make sure he doesn't try to sell the General."

"Get that creature away from me," Xani said, backing up to avoid having his leg chewed. "Or I'll--"

"Shut up," Dor said, smacking him again. "He's a good little puppy isn't he, yes he is," Dor cooed, patting Lasher as the dog turned his angry attention away from Xani and made big puppy dog eyes at Dor.

~*~

Commo smiled proudly as he strolled into the Coliseum, waving at the crowd ignoring him. "They love me, darling," he preened.

"Yes, of course," Laure sighed, patting him on the arm.

"Shall I greet them?" Commo said, extending his arm and walking toward the registration table. "But--" he protested as Laure yanked on his arm and dragged him toward the far end of the seating area.

"You'll dirty yourself," Laure said, shoving him into his chair.

Commo frowned momentarily and then sat up straight. "Yes, you're right."

~*~

"Ah! Venchen!" Haken called out after spotting Dande taking her seat with the rest of the girls. "Haken herden das barbar!"

Dande batted her eyelashes. "Thank you, Hak. I'm sure we'll be underway any moment," she said, glancing at Dor thwapping Xani over the head with the microphone.

"Haken good, ya," the Beefalow said. "Dande vant dat Haken bring first bulle to here, ya?"

Everyone flinched and covered their ears as the PA squelched loudly.

"Alright, everyone shut the fuck up," Xani said.

"Ready men?" Tara said, looking back at her crew with hose at the ready. "Hey," she growled, kicking Roux who lounged half asleep against the wall. Roux fell into Boromir, waking him. Boromir fell into Tyr, waking him. Tyr fell into everyone else and knocked them all to the ground.

"Ready captain!" Tanner yelled, running in the opposite direction and out into the dark night.

Tara's head dropped into her hands.

"WAIT!" Ellie yelled, scrambling into the Coliseum as she buttoned her shirt. She threw a plastic cup full of slot machine change at Xani and continued running to take a seat.

"I thought you weren't going to make it," Kendra said.

"You know men, they always fall asleep," Ellie said as Xani threw a BITCH card at her.

"Here, you don't have one either," Xani said, handing Emmy a BITCH card.

"I'm not bidding, I don't need one."

"Of course you do," Xani said, shoving the BITCH card into her hair.

And so Emmy let go of Lasher's leash.

"Shit, we're never going to get out of here," Darry said, looking at her watch as Xani tried to climb up a column with Lasher on his heels. "Just sell me the damn elf, I'm busy!"

"Hey!" Kendra yelled.

"Yeah, busy playing with other women's men," Laure snickered.

"Bitch," Darry said.

"No, I'm a bitch," Laure said, flashing her card at Darry.

"Yeah, me too," Emmy said, waving her card.

"Same here," Judy said.

Ellie held up her card, "See, me as well."

"Alright!" Darry interjected.

"Venchen!" Hak yelled. "Time now, ya?"

"Um…well…." Dande watched Lasher take a few good bites at Xani before Dor took hold of the leash. "Yes, I think we're ready now."

"Between this beast and that fuckin' dragon of yours," Xani grumbled, taking hold of the mike.

Dor just smiled.

Xani glared and then called out, "The first beef of the night. Carries a big sword but probably has a small dick."

Dande gasped as Hak led Conan out to the middle of the floor. "That's it Xanatos, no more cookies for you."

Xani frowned.

"Alright, boys, hose him!" Tara yelled, turning the water on low power.

Conan strutted as his big muscles glistened from the spray.

"Oooohh," Dande said, wavering a bit in her seat.

"I wanna bid on him!" Dor said. "I just hold up my bitch card like this, right?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Xani said.

"I said, I want to bid," Dor said. She jumped up and yelled, "I bid…uh…a thousand dollars on Xani's Offworld Card!"

"Sold!" Emmy yelled.

"I'M the auctioneer!" Xani yelled.

"Yeah, whatever," Emmy said.

"And YOU don't get to bid," he said to Dor.

"I already did," Dor said. "Thanks Em!"

"Sure, no problem."

Xani stared at Dor.

"What?? He's just for the library to keep the students out," she responded. "Get on with it, would ya, we've got a lot of men to sell."

~*~

The boys back at the Cottage grumbled as the other team scored again.

"Anyone want another beer?" the General said, walking toward the kitchen.

"Sure," Qui-Gon and Max both answered.

"Anything on fire yet?" Qui-Gon asked.

The General glanced out the window. "Nope." The General cracked the window. "I hear a lot of yelling, though."

Qui-Gon and Max both shrugged.

The General shrugged as well, shut the window, and grabbed more beer out of the fridge.

~*~

"That does it for the Barbarians," Xani said. "Now let's move on to the big ticket items." He gave Dor her cue, and then she dialed up her cell phone.

"What's going on?" Dande asked.

Emmy shook her head. "No idea."

"Aragorn!" Dor yelled into her phone. "Help! We're being attacked in the Coliseum. Hurry, I'm scared and I don't know what to do," then she hung up.

Dande grinned and applauded, "Well done, Dor!"

The Ho's simultaneously groaned and/or laughed.

Dor bowed, "See, I may not always *use* the Wenchichlorians, but I can retrieve them at a moment's notice."

And in the next second, Aragorn and Legolas came running into the Coliseum, brandishing sword and arrow, their eyes darting around the large arena.

"Suckers," Xani snorted.

The Ranger and the Elf skidded to a halt and looked around.

Dor smiled and waved.

"Hello, gorgeous," Laure said, forgetting herself momentarily.

"Dearest?" Commo said.

Laure's eyes grew wide. "I said…oh the horses. Where are the horses, Commo?" she stammered, turning to face him. "Shouldn't soldiers have horses?"

Commo smiled pedantically. "That is correct dearest, many soldiers *do* have horses." He stroked Laure's chin. "But perhaps these men are ground troops."

Laure tried not to roll her eyes.

"Which means that perhaps *I* should bid on them! I could rebuild my army," Commo said, a far off look in his eye.

"No," Laure said. "They are not for sale."

"Oh? Are they here for battle?" Commo said.

"It's about damn time," Darry said as Aragorn and Legolas unwittingly approached the auction block.

"Okay, first up, smelly Ranger," Xani said, jumping out of the way as Dor let loose on Lasher's leash a bit.

"Dorotea, what is going on here?" Aragorn asked.

"Oh, we're just all hanging out," Dor said.

"I heard that!" Darry yelled.

"We'll start the bidding at a thousand," Xani said. "I'm sure he's worth more than that, but fuck if I know why."

"Commo look! Are those tigers eating Max?" Laure said, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Where? Where?" Commo said, jumping up excitedly and trying to find the spot that Laure was pointing to.

Laure raised her card high in the air.

"We have a bidder. Do I hear two thousand?" Xani said.

Laure kept her card in the air.

"Dearest, I can't see it," Commo whined.

"Over there," Laure said, grabbing Commo's hair and pointing his head toward a far wall.

"SOLD! For five thousand dollars to the Mediator," Xani said.

"I only bid two thousand!" Laure yelled.

"What did you say, my darling flower?" Commo said.

"Shut up, Commodus," Laure said, throwing her card at Xani and slumping back in her chair.

Xani laughed, feeling so clever with himself.

"Don´t worry, Laure, we'll just spend it shopping," Dor said.

"Next on the block, we have a fairy," Xani said.

"He is NOT a fairy!" Kendra yelled.

"C'mon, with hair like that?" Xani said.

Legolas aimed at Xani.

Dor completely let go of the leash to let Lasher chew on the Greysider.

"Hello!" Darry yelled. "I have things to do!"

"Then go do them!" Kendra yelled back.

"Don't make me Force blast this beast!" Xani yelled as Lasher ripped his sleeve off.

"Touch my baby, and I'll cut your ass into teeny tiny bits and feed you to a Bantha!" Emmy yelled. "You wanna be Bantha shit, little man?"

"I've been out of the Clinic for TWO hours! Dor, get the dog off the Greysider, and let's finish this!" Darry said.

"Oh, we'll finish this alright," Kendra said.

"Girls, please, let's not fight. I'll bake cookies for everyone," Dande said.

For his part, Legolas continued to keep arrow aim on several different people at once.

"Dearest, this archer could be of great use to me," Commo said.

"No," Laure replied for the hundredth time. "Remember, dear, it's a battle."

"But I didn't see any battle," Commo said.

Laure sighed. "You missed it while you were looking for Max."

"But I didn't see that either."

"Trust me, Commo," Laure said through gritted teeth. "There was already a battle."

"I see," Commo said. "So now I am to judge if this archer shall live or die."

Laure whined and rubbed her temples.

Xani stood up, clothes ragged. "We'll start the bidding at five thousand dollars."

"What?" Kendra said.

"Take it or leave it," Xani said.

"Seven!" Darry shouted, holding up her card.

"Eight!"

"Nine!"

"He looks to be a man of valor, I think perhaps he should live," Commo said, giving the thumbs up.

"Ten!" Kendra shouted.

"Eleven!"

"SOLD!" Xani yelled.

"Ha!" Darry exclaimed.

"No, I wasn't finished!" Kendra yelled.

"To the megalomaniac in the second row," Xani said, pointing to Commodus who still had his arm upraised.

"WHAT??" Kendra and Darry yelled at the same time.

"XANI!" Dor yelled.

Xani cackled. "And now who wants to bid on the prissy Do-Gooder? Bet he has a small dick, too."

"That's it!" Emmy yelled, jumping to her feet and rolling up her sleeves. "Your ass is mine, Greysider!"

"Me me me me me me!!!!" squealed a group of Princesses who'd been hiding behind the Barbarian gate.

"How did they get in here?" Judy said, grabbing her bat.

Emmy paused in mid-slay mode. "Oh, they are SO dead!" Emmy yelled. "Lasher! Kill!"

Xani made a run for it.

Princesses screamed.

Kendra chased Commo with an arrow in her hand.

Darry used profane language and made a beeline back to the Clinic

Laure tried to call Kendra off but was distracted by the Ranger.

Dande felt up many biceps and flirted them into battle readiness.

Ellie tried to get her slot money back.

Tara hosed down the Princess invasion.

Emmy threw whatever she could get a hold of at whoever was standing in front of her.

Judy swung her bat in a similar indiscriminate fashion.

Jen Jen made slingshots out of the toys in her purse.

Dor cast many under-practiced spells toward the retreating Princesses.

Barbarians, a fire crew, a Ranger, and an Elf just kind of looked around.

~*~

"Did you hear something?" Max said, standing up to glance out the window as shrieks and bellows echoed down the valley.

"Enh," the General replied, scraping out the last of Dande's layered taco dip. "Cheetos?" he said, handing Max the bowl.

"Sure," Max said, plopping back down onto the sofa.

"The satellite recorded The Bachelor," Da Mastah said, turning up the volume on the TV to drown out the sounds of mayhem.

"Oh, you gotta see this," the General said through a mouthful of taco dip, pointing toward the TV with his beer bottle as random chicken feathers fluttered past the windows. "This guy is such a player."

Max and Da Mastah just snickered.

The General frowned. "What??"

The End