Title: HSU You Can Jingle My Bell
Author: Kendra
Rating: NYGADI (Now you've gone and done it)
Archive: fine
Disclaimer: Don't own a thing, not even a penny.
Notes: See, channeling the elf made Obi very chatty. It does work.
Timeline: After Emmy's 'Here Comes Santa Claus'

~~*~~

Dor took a slow step backwards and cocked her head to the side. "What do you think? Is it too much?" She questioned, tapping her gloved finger to her lips.

The item in question was a very large, very imposing Christmas tree that now sat in the library's main entrance. There was no getting around the massive girth of the limbs, which blocked all paths to anything that rested in the back of the library. Then to add to the entire situation, the top of the tree was bent against the ceiling where it was at the very least, four feet too high for the room.

Dande sighed then smiled. "Cookie?" She asked, quickly shoving the container of treats under Dor's nose, hoping to distract her musings.

Grabbing a handful of cookies, which wasn't easy considering her gloved hands, the Wo continued to critique the imposing evergreen. "Maybe I should get Xani to take a little off the sides."

Nodding her head ever so slightly, Dande agreed. "That would probably be best. Just a touch here and there," she quickly added, noticing Dor's sudden disgruntled look at the thought of actually cutting the tree.

"You're probably right," the librarian reluctantly agreed.

"Maybe you could take just a little off the top as well," Dande edged, shoving the cookie container back at the Wo. "Just to help with decorating purposes is all."

Dor nodded her head while filling her other gloved hand with more cookies. "Good call, after all, this is the first Christmas tree we've had in here and I'm really looking forward to seeing how all the new ornaments will look on the thing."

"That's sweet. I remember when the Mastah gave me that ' our first Christmas together' ornament..."

Coughing, Dor choked on the thought of such an ornament from Xani as the Wench soundly pounded the Wo on the back. "That's all well and fine for some...I was really going for a more Goth themed tree. Webs, spiders, empty makers bottles...you know."

"Oh, I see," Dande replied, once again shoving the cookie container before the Wo.

~~*~~

"You look rather maniacally happy this morning," Judy remarked as her padawan strolled into the pub and began to litter her bartop with more scraps of paper, but the move was quickly halted by the barkeeps raised brow of warning.

"Very happy today," Kendra smiled.

Judy grinned while giving the Ho a glass of eggnog. "Here, try this, it's my new secret recipe," she insisted, noting the look of distaste in her padawan's eyes. "It won't kill you."

"Well I was having a very good day till now," Kendra groaned, pinching her nose with her fingers and then taking a sip of the nog. "I hate this stuff..."

Once again Judy raised her brow and her hand swiftly went to her beloved bat which rested just below the bar.

"No...no...not 'this' stuff," Kendra quickly corrected.

"Good save," Jen added with a nod of her head as the other Ho sat at the end of the bar leafing through her new Pink Banana holiday catalogue.

Judy shot the Pink Banana Ho a withering glare before turning back to her padawan. "What's got you so happy? Did your plans of revenge against Commo finally come true?"

"Commo 'and' Laure," Kendra corrected.

"I see," Judy prompted.

"Nah, it's still in the planning stages, but step one will commence at 0800 hours or whenever the hell it's evening," Kendra corrected, obviously not knowing a thing about military time.

"I see," Judy murmured, polishing her bar to a glittering sheen. "So what is it? Is it a morning kilting appointment with Obi-Wan that's got you so happy?"

Kendra grinned. "Well, that was good too. But here, this is what has brightened my day," the Ho insisted, sliding a ripped out page from a magazine towards her master.

"What? The Red Rider 200 Super Air Powered Stapler..." Judy gasped in shock.

"Oh yeah," Kendra gleamed. "Look at that baby...I want that for Christmas cause obviously I'm still not getting my stupid yacht from the General."

"Are you crazy?" Judy snapped, quickly sliding the crumpled ad back to her padawan. "You'll shoot your eye out...or somebody else's...and if you injure the General I can't help you when Emmy beats you with her clunky shoes. I might even help her if you injure something important."

"Like that would happen," Kendra huffed, shoving her beloved stapler ad in her pocket and stomping out the door.

"Padawans, they can be so troublesome," the barkeep sighed, glaring at Jen who was snickering behind her magazine.

~~*~~

"Wicka wicky wicky wicka wick," Ellie chattered to the gathered Ewoks. "Or something like that," she muttered to herself, hoping her Ewokese was close enough for them to understand.

"What's up?" Han quizzed upon joining Logan and Indy at the edge of the clearing. It was right about then he noticed who Ellie was talking to and he quickly squinched his nose in disgust. "Damn furballs."

"I don't know what Ellie sees in those...things," Logan growled.

"Me either,"Indy grunted, fingering his whip.

"Dare I ask what she's attempting?" Han sighed, raking a hand through his hair while nodding to the sleigh in the far yard.

Indy sighed. "You'd probably be best not knowing. However, lets just say she's attempting to harness the Ewoks to the sleigh..."

Logan and Han just nodded their heads in disgruntled disbelief.

"Whicky whicky whicky whicky whick..." Ellie chattered, making a great sweeping motion towards the sleigh and the attached harnesses.

"You know what this means?" Indy proposed.

"Trouble?" Han quizzed.

"No...yes...damn I need a beer," Logan hissed. "It means we need to distract her."

"Oh...don't worry, leave that to me," Han grinned roguishly while Indy and Logan groaned.

~~*~~

"Stay there," Laure insisted, peaking out her office door to make sure her Elven bodyguard was at his post before she closed the door once more.

Opening the door once again, the mediator leaned out into the hallway. "Stay right there. Don't go anywhere," she ordered as Legolas rolled his eyes but stood at his post.

"Yes, m'lady," he replied. "May I ask as to what it is I am protecting you from? Is it the fallen royal?"

Laure gasped in shock. "No. Why that crazy secretary of the General's. You know the one. She wishes revenge upon myself and Commo."

Legolas nodded his head in understanding and warily eyed the hallway. "But why?"

"Nevermind why, just keep her from shooting my emperor in the ass with an arrow and keeping her out of my office," the Wo stated.

"Yes m'lady," the elf sighed, hiding his smile at the thought that maybe the Ho's archery skills had in fact improved with his lessons.

Laure then proceeded to go back into her office, after all, Cal was scheduled to show up any moment. "I don't mediate between myself and anyone..." she mumbled, shutting the door behind her.

~~*~~

Obi-Wan took a deep breath while striding to the cottage door. It was just days before Christmas and still his shopping venture had only landed him wandering aimlessly throughout the mall while grazing from food stand to food stand. He couldn't put his finger upon it, but surely the mall must affect his Jedi abilities, that had to be the answer.

Just as his fist was about to knock on the door, his former master's muttered cursing reached his ears. There was the momentary thought of just turning to leave, but he could also smell the aroma of fresh baked spice cake...the cake won.

"Obi-Wan, be mindful, I need your help," the Mastah called from behind the closed door of the cottage.

Opening the door quite carefully, the General peered around the door to see what all the commotion was about and much to his horror, it was quite the sight. But yet it was a sight that made him grin madly.

"Mastah, surely the likes of something so small could not be giving you such problems," the General chuckled, earning a steely glare from the Mastah.

Qui-Gon tossed the screwdriver to the middle of the den's floor and looked exasperatingly to the scattered parts and pieces that were to become Cara's tricycle. "This contraption must have been devised by a Sith," the Mastah exclaimed with a frown.

"I'll handle this, we'll have Cara's tricycle put together and finished before tonight's game on ESPN, much less Christmas," the General insisted. "How difficult could it be? It's merely a child's toy."

Though Obi-Wan did not see it, Qui-Gon gave the other Jedi a worried look.

~~*~~

Emmy sighed tiredly as she sat behind her desk trying to look occupied. "Is that the phone?" She shouted as Tanner only managed to walk into the garbage can getting his foot stuck in the bin.

Blowing a strand of hair from her eyes she reached into the bottom drawer of her desk to retrieve her strand of paperclips. It was now reaching such lengths that it could easily wrap around her office twice, if not three times.

"Maybe I'll go shoe shopping," she mumbled to herself, connecting yet another paperclip to the chain. "Nah...I bought the local stores out yesterday. Maybe a General appointment...I've heard good things about being mistletoed," she grinned to herself before quickly stashing her chain back in the desk, reaching for her purse and squeezing out the door to rush into the General's office.

"Where is he? I need mistletoeing," Emmy insisted, stopping before Kendra's desk.

"Uh?"

"The General..."

"Oh him, oh mistletoing...MISTLETOING, gotcha. You're too late, the Gen went to go visit the Mastah...some urgent Jedi business or something," the secretary explained, stapling a Jell-O box to the wall and her ever growing revenge schematics.

"You need a 'new' hobby," Emmy stated then left.

"Hey, everyone complains, get a hobby and now that I have a hobby, it's not good enough?" Kendra shouted, throwing her stapler to the wall and having it bounce back and nail her on the forehead.

~~*~~

"Fixing a blahsted hyperdrive unit with nothing but paperclips is easier than trying to put togetheh this monstrosity of a Sithly contraption," the General loudly protested as the back wheels fell of the tricycle for the fourth time.

"Padawan, I feel we must do what is called for in this current situation," Qui-Gon suggested, gaining him a furrowed brow from the other Jedi.

"Mastah, surely you don't mean..."

"Yes, Obi-Wan, I mean it's time we broke down and used the actual instructions," the Mastah said with consternation.

"But Mastah, I'm sure we'll figure out this damnable contraption given time," the General tried to persuade. After all, it was unheard of for any male to actually use the accompanying instructions when attempting to put anything together.

"Obi-Wan, I sense it in the Force," the Mastah said calmly. "Besides, Puff will be home any minute now and I'd wish for her not to see 'this' sight."

The General bit his bottom lip and bowed his head in acceptance. "Yes, Mastah. But Mastah, there was one good thing about this," he grinned, earning him a confused look from the other Jedi.

"We now know how to change this contraption into a unicycle, for when Cara is oldeh," he teased, making Qui-Gon groan.

~~*~~

"Do you hear something?" Xani quizzed, momentarily looking up from his Elf Bowling game.

Pelham, phone headset attached to his ear flipped the channel on the TV from QVC to the HSN. "I don't hear anything...yes, I was wondering about these Bowflex machines. What are the shipping charges if I order a dozen?"

Xani, receiving no real answer from the lavender lord, went back to playing his game while humming 'elf, elf baby' before the shrill chirping noise interrupted his concentration once again. "Do you hear THAT?" Xani demanded, standing up and following the noise.

Once again, Pelham was too busy chatting on-air about the virtues of Bowflex.

The chirping, chattering only increased in volume as Xani stalked his way to the Christmas tree that now blocked the entrance and exit of the library. Sure he'd promised Dor that he'd chop a few branches, but that could wait, he was near breaking his own record for Elf Bowling.

A Jedi has amazing reflexes, even former Jedi. However, it was fast apparent that there was one thing faster and more agile than a Jedi. A furious, very agitated, and nearly homeless squirrel rearing its furry head from the branches of the evergreen.

"What the fuck?!" Xani bellowed as a blur of brown fur nailed him soundly upon the face while the animal chattered madly.

Moments later, the hum of an ignited lightsaber could be heard over the crashing, cussing, chattering of mayhem in the library.

~~*~~

"Hey El, can I borrow your..." Kendra asked as she walked into the Vet clinic, growling first to Logan who growled back.

"No!" El shouted from the backroom.

"But it would only..."

"No! Now leave me alone. I have to study this Ewok language. The damned furballs won't lead a sleigh, they all scattered and started chanting something about slay. I figure Emmy has a good day left before they try to bip her off again."

"Fine...like I really needed your trang gun. I can make my own traq blow dart gun," the Water Ho huffed before storming out.

~~*~~

"What do think?" The General asked the Mastah as both stood across the room and eyed their finished product.

Qui-Gon stroked his beard and appeared to be deep in thought. "Does it look to be leaning to you?"

The General leaned to his side and surveyed the tricycle. In deed it did lean. Not badly if you looked at it from this odd angle though. "Possibleh."

"We did follow the directions word for word, did we not?"

"Yes, except for all that slot A into slot B, then take slot B and..."

"Obi-Wan!" The Mastah loudly urged, hoping to stop the conversation before it progressed down hill once again. His former padawan had definitely picked up certain bad habits from his grrls he thought, noting the sly, cocky grin upon the General's face.

~~*~~

"You, come with me," Emmy ordered as she approached the elf.

Legolas notched an arrow upon the bowstring and aimed it in the Diva's direction.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," she stated, narrowing her gaze and slowly bending to retrieve her clunky shoe from her foot.

"What's all...oh..." Laure sighed, opening her office door. "Can you two keep it down, I'm trying to convince Commo that conquering the North Pole and Santa's workshop would not be prudent."

"I want the elf and I want him now," Emmy explained, waving a hand in Legolas' direction.

Laure raised a brow in mock surprise. "Never knew you were into the elf too."

The Dean shot the mediator a look-and not a good one. "I bought the elf for Christmas décor, he's mine. So hand him over. Like you need a bodyguard...pfft," Emmy remarked with a wave of her hand.

"Fine, fine, take the elf and jingle his bells, see if I care. But pay the consequences when certain people on campus see the elf all belled out," Laure warned, urging Legolas to un-notch his arrow then shoving him in the Diva's direction.

Emmy slowly walked around the elf eyeing him up and down, making him very uncomfortable, at least it wasn't quite how the healer looked at him or the mad woman that insisted on touching his braids.

"You'll do," Emmy nodded, beckoning for Legolas to follow her back to her office.

~~*~~

"Say it again..." Darry purred into the phone. "Say it slow..."

"D-e-s-t-r-o-y t-h-e-m a-l-l..."

"Hold that thought, I've got a call on the other line," the Nurse interrupted, pressing call waiting.

"Clinic...Cic...what are you wearing?" She seductively asked in a low, sultry voice. "Just your toolbelt I hope..."

"Have yew been watching that Yankee man again?" The Servant questioned.

"Just a minute, another call," Darry remarked, putting her husband on hold.

"Your order ma'am for the gazebo blueprints have been mailed along with your season one DVD's of the New Yankee Workshop. As an added bonus, we are including the plans for Norm's home," the telemarketer explained.

"Oooohhh... tell me more," Darry urged seductively.

"Ma'am?"

"Damn...what line is this?" The Nurse mused, momentarily confused. "I need a drink."

~~*~~

"What's wrong?" Judy asked, watching as Tara came into the pub and promptly slouched onto the barstool.

Tara sighed heavily and gladly accepted the offered spiced rum. "I figured that since the fountains wanted to 'fa' on 'la', I'd try something different."

"What would that be?" Jen asked, waking up from her nap of pleasant Pink Banana dreams.

"Snow. I'm trying to get the boys in the department to make it snow...I know we can, but I can't seem to get things just right," the Water Ho grumped. "It's always too hot, or too cold and...."

Suddenly the door to the pub opened with a resounding crash. "Okay, who is the wise guy that iced up the sidewalk in front of my fortress?" Jael demanded, brandishing her sword.

"I see," Judy mused, nodding her head.

Tara looked at her watch before quickly standing. "Gotta run, I have a General bubble bath in three hours."

Jael glanced at Judy, then glanced to the retreating Ho. "You! You nearly broke Max's leg, thankfully it was only a sprained ankle. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to slide him to the clinic?"

"Nope, gotta go. I'll send Max some flowers, sorry. You know you could have called the fire department, my boys would have helped," Tara shouted from the side door.

"Couldn't, they were frozen but making their way to the library," Jael replied quite calmly. "Squirrel attack."

"Oh?"

"Oh?"

"Oh!"

"Want to go see?" JenJen asked as all Ho's turned in her direction.

"Bet there's lots of blood," Jael gleamed.

"Sure, why not," Judy chimed in, picking up her bat in case the rabid squirrel was still alive.

"I've got a couple hours before my appointment," Tara mused, joining the others as they made their way to the library, noting the smell of burning pine and spotting puffs of smoke escaping from the front door.

~~*~~

Dande pushed open the front door of the cottage after witnessing the brutality of Xani's slaughter of Dor's Christmas tree-oh and the squirrel attack upon the graysider as well.

"Mastah darling, I'm home," she announced, following the low growlly rumble of the Jedi as he and Obi-Wan stood in the den's doorway. "Is there something wrong?"

Qui-Gon quickly turned to stop the Wench's approach. It would not do for her to see the tricycle listing badly to the side. "No Wishpuff, everything is fine, just a minor setback. Nothing myself and Obi-Wan can not fix."

On that note, the General glanced to his silent pager, quickly pulling it from his belt. "Oh look at that, Kendrah is reminding me of my next appointment. Sorry, have to run. It's been...well, it's just been ...have to run."

Dande stole a glance at the badly pieced together tricycle for her daughter and sighed quietly. "Mastah, you look tense. Why don't you go work in the garden for a few minutes before dinner," she tactfully suggested, steering the Jedi to the front door.

"That might be best," he winced upon stretching tired muscles.

"Good, now shoo," the Wench ordered, pushing him out the back door then quickly scurrying to the phone.

"It's a code red, I need your help," Dande urgently spoke into the phone before hanging it up and rushing to the kitchen for her trusty butter knife.

~~*~~

"There, all done," Kendra smiled, looking at her bamboo blow gun and giggling madly while placing the absconded tranq dart into the end of the thing as she leaned against the tree, waiting for Commo to drive buy in his golf cart.

~~*~~

"All done!" Dande grinned, as she and Dor now stood around the perfectly put together tricycle.

"Perfect, men have no clue on how to follow directions," Dor slurred, taking another long swig of scotch, then reaching for the gingerbread cookies, promptly chomping the head off the gingerbread man.

"He'll never know," Dande sighed, shooing the librarian from the den.

"You don't think he'll realize...Nevermind. Well, gotta run, I think Xani should be done with his rabies shots by now...the man does howl a lot when getting shots," Dor remarked, taking the glass of scotch with her as she left.

~~*~~

"There, all done," Emmy said with approval as she walked around the elf. "Come on, let's go show everyone."

"Surely you jest?" Legolas spoke up, shaking his head, only managing to make to the bells on his hat jingle louder.

Grabbing the embarrassed elf by the crook of the arm, the Dean began to drag him bodily from the office as he clutched his beloved bow in one hand, his quiver in the other. "Okay elf boy, lose the toys, they ruin the effect."

Legolas gave the Diva a threatening glare. "You know, you're good at that," she remarked, totally ignoring the meaning and heading outside to show off her new holiday creation.

~~*~~

Kendra waited, and waited, and waited some more before finally her prey was dead in sights. Not only Commo, but Laure as well, a possible two for one deal when Commo passed out and would drive the golf cart into the lake. After all, this was for a good cause; she'd use the lake to her advantage.

As the headlights of the golf cart cut through the growing darkness, the General's secretary took aim.

~~*~~

The General stopped in his tracks and glanced about the campus behind him. "Something is wrong...it's elusive..."

~~*~~

As the last strains of 'Highway to Hell' faded into the background, Aragorn took the mic once again. "Beware, the night has shadows. Orcs can await you in the mist..."

~~*~~

"Orcs?" Jael shouted, hearing the Ranger once again insist that her campus was not battle ready. "That's it, he's going down," she promised, raising her sword and running across campus.

Well that is till she heard Legolas shout Orc attack and then a scream.

"Come on, give me a break, would you?" Jael begged to the skies.

~~*~~

Kendra dropped the bamboo blowgun, happy that she didn't inhale the dart but terrified at what she'd just witnessed.

"Oh my freakin...I've killed him," she bellowed, racing to the koi pond where the Mastah, now tranqed was lying on his back in the water, his feet hanging over the side, his head on the other side, while little koi scurried over his chest.

At that moment, Dande came racing out of the cottage, the General came charging up, lightsaber ignited and in hand, Emmy came dragging the elf who had his bow at the ready, and the others drifted casually about to see what was happening.

"Mastah!" Dande exclaimed with worry, till she heard her husband snoring.

Kendra jumped into the pond and tried to drag out the drugged, loopy Mastah. "Will somebody help me?" She shouted, then got a look at the Christmas elf and flopped to the pond floor on her butt and screamed once more.

"That was nice," Emmy remarked, urging the elf to put down his weapon as Laure and Commo now joined the crowd.

"You! You tried to kill me!" Laure shouted, pointing to Kendra.

The General pulled Qui-Gon from the koi pond; momentarily taking the time to free a trapped fish from the Mastah's tunics before he and some of the miners carried the big Jedi inside the cottage with Dande fast on their heels.

"You've done it now," Dor remarked, pulling her ski mask over her face.

"Shouldn't you be with your husband?" Laure then asked the librarian.

"Probably," Dor replied.

Ellie then raced over to the koi pond and shook her finger at the Water Ho...this was right about the time Tara and her fire department showed up. The boys jumped from the truck and quickly donned their water gear before walking into the little pond to rescue the distraught secretary and walk her to dry ground.

"You stole a traq dart, didn't you?" Ellie asked, shaking her finger at her former roommate.

Kendra wrapped the blanket closely about her as her teeth chattered. "Bor-rr-rro-d," she answered then spotted the elf once more and squeaked her disapproval while wiping her eyes, hoping to get rid of the jingle belled, red and white striped legging-clad, pointed shoe wearing Christmas elf's image.

"Do you realize that dart had enough in it to bring down an elephant?" Ellie questioned.

"Barbarian dart, huh?" Tara mused.

"What? No Orcs?" Jael asked in a mixture of relief and disappointment.

"Orcs?" Aragorn spoke up, raising his sword upon his approach. "I tried to warn you but..."

"Oh shut up," Judy threatened, smacking her bat against her hand and then trying to rescue her padawan from her rescuers as she led the Ho back to the bar.

"What went wrong? Dande is going to kill me. The Mastah is going to kill me-if he's still alive. The Gen is going to kill me, isn't he?" Kendra asked with worry.

"Possibleh," the General spoke up from behind.

"The Mastah, he's alive, right?" The Water Ho asked with concern.

The General looked quite stern till he glanced over his secretary's head and looked at Judy. That's when the bartender noticed the twinkle in the Jedi's eyes. "Yes, he's definitely alive," he sternly said then leaned over to Judy and whispered in her ear. "Snoring like a bantha," he quietly said, making the Ho stifle a giggle.

"It was an accident, I swear, I was aiming at...well, nevermind. I need to rethink this plan," Kendra groaned, then she groaned even louder upon hearing the elf's bells ring loudly in her ears as he stumbled about. It was almost as if his Elven grace had been zapped by those annoying bells on his curled boots and pointy hat.

"We'll discuss this mattah when Qui-Gon wakes up and calms down. I'm rather positive he will have something to say on the subject," the General remarked before being nearly run over by Darry as she and her designer medical bag raced to the cottage.

"Move it or lose it! Coming through," the Nurse exclaimed as everyone cleared a path, all amazed that her other hand carried a martini and not one drop sloshed over the side as she raced to her medical emergency.

"Why don't I take you back to your room and get you in a nice hot bath..."

"Alone?" Kendra asked, receiving a furrowed brow from the General.

Just then the General leaned over and whispered in Judy's ear. "Inventory in an hour?"

"You got it, good lookin'," the bartender smiled, letting the General take care of her padawan. "Hey, Obi-Wan were you ever this much trouble to your Master?"

Obi-Wan just glanced over his shoulder and gave the Ho a naughty grin. "Nevah," he insisted with a laugh.

"What I thought. You were worse," Judy chuckled before being nearly mowed over by Emmy trying to herd her elf into the Admin building so he wouldn't dirty up his festive wear before everyone could really get a good look at him in the light of day.

"Does this mean I'm not going to get my Red Rider 200 Super Air Powered Stapler for Christmas now?" Kendra asked, her whatevers building into an uproar.

The General raked a hand through his hair sending it in disarray. "You'll shoot your eye out. Or quite possibleh somebody else's," he replied with a smirk as his secretary huffed her disapproval.

~~*~~

So goes another day, all is well, all is fine...or is it?