Title: HSU - Here Comes Santa Claus
Author: Emmy
Rating: TDSW (The Diva's Santa Whatevers)

"Kendra, what is all this," the General said, his voice muffled by the big white beard as he adjusted his Santa hat.

Kendra took a step back from her office wall, a wall that was plastered in blueprints, hand sketches, and pieces of scribbled-on napkins.

"Well, what does it look like?" she responded in typical Ho "duh" tone.

"Right," the General said, jingling as he walked toward the outer door. "I'm off for my appointment with Emmy," he said.

"Mmm-hmm, sure," Kendra responded distractedly, repositioning a napkin shred along the circuit of her Revenge O'Doom plan.

And then a realization hit her. "Oh #$&%!!" and she threw down her stapler and ran after the General.

~*~

"Ho Ho Ho, who's been a naauughhhty grrrll...."

Emmy glanced up from her Galactic Domination Chair with a slightly perturbed air. "Listen beefboy, whichever one you are, tell that Captain of yours to find some fires--" The Diva's mouth dropped open with a "Gaaaaaahhhhh!" as she saw whose eyes were peering out from behind all that white hair.

The Santa-fied General, still cruising through a delusion of cleverness, lifted his jingle bells and shook them, giving the Diva a wink.

Emmy scrambed out of her GDC. "Gaaaaaahhh!" she repeated as she shoved the General back out near Ross' desk.

"You have a visitor," Ross helpfully mentioned. "He's red, I know that much."

"Emmy, what's the mattah?" the General said.

"You....ICK....how could you.....KENDRA!!" Emmy yelled, marching out of the office, into the hall, and smack into the Secretary.

"Uuuff," both Ho's responded as they stumbled around the hall to regain their balance.

"WHAT is THAT!" the Diva demanded, pointing at the befuddled Santa General.

"WHAT are you DOING!" Kendra demanded of the still befuddled Santa General.

"I TOLD you, NO SANTA GENERAL!!" Emmy yelled at Kenrda.

"I TOLD you, NO SANTA GENERAL FOR EMMY!" Kendra yelled at the General.

The General glanced from Emmy to Kendra. And from Emmy to Kendra again.

"That's it, NO more water for you for the rest of your life!" Emmy exclaimed.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh, yes I can."

"Oh, no you can't."

"Oh, yes I can."

"Oh, no you can't."

"Grrls, grrls!" the General interrupted.

Emmy gave the General a stern look, but then upon seeing him as Santa Claus again, she shuddered and made squicky noise. "Uuuugghhhh bllleeeehhhhhh." Emmy waved her hands indiscriminately in the air and breezed past the General and back into her office, muttering, "Brain scrub brain scrub brain scrub brain scrub...."

"Emmy," the General said turning toward her office door and pulling off the Santa hat, wig, and beard. Then he "uuufff"d as Kendra grabbed him by his big red coat and yanked him toward her.

"I told you," she said through her teeth, "Santa for JUDY. JU-DY."

The General frowned and scratched his head. "Oh right, you did say that, didn't you."

"Now look what you've done!" Kendra said, crossing her arms and tapping her foot.

"Look what *I've* done??" the General said. "How am I supposed to keep this straight all the time."

Kendra gave him the Look O'Pain.

"Nnnnnot that I'm implying that *you're* supposed to do everything for me, but still, it's just a silly costume, and--"

"I *told* you," Kendra said.

"I forgot!" the General said defensively.

"You're a JEDI!!" Kendra yelled, flailing her arms about. "You can remember how to...how to...how to repair a stupid hyperdrive with paper clips and a screwdriver!"

The General scrunched his face at Kendra.

"Arrrghh," Kendra growled. "I'm going back to my important work," she said, turning on her heel.

"Don't worry, I know how to fix this," the General said, stepping back toward Emmy's office.

Kendra skidded to a halt and did an immediate about-face. "Oooohh nooooo you don't!" she said, grabbing his arm. "You've made a big enough mess as it is."

"I don't think *I've* made the mess," the General responded haughtily. "I think *she's* being overly sensitive."

"I heard that!!" came Emmy's voice from inside her office. Six clunky shoe clomps later, her door flew wide open. The Diva prepared to respond, but once she caught sight of the General again in his big red Santa suit, all she could say was, "Blllleeeeehhhh!" as she shook her head and covered her eyes with her hands, skittering down the hall in the opposite direction.

"You've really done it this time," Kendra muttered.

The General sighed with exasperation.

"But we may as well use up her time, right?" Kendra said, her tone completely changed as she giggled and ran into his office. "I think I've been very baaaaaaad this year," she called out to him.

The General leered and stalked in after her.

~*~

Emmy marched toward the front door of the cottage, and flung it wide open without the tiniest misstep. "Dande!" she called out as she walked right into the living room.

"Don't you ever knock!" Da Mastah roared.

Dande hurried out of the kitchen at the sound of the commotion. "Um, Emmy, what's--"

"Oh my God, Dande, the most horrible thing just happened!" Emmy said frantically.

"What?? What happened?" Dande said.

Da Mastah momentarily paused in pre-bluster mode just in case something horrible had actually happened.

"The General is dressed like Santa Claus!!"

"Emmy, let's go in the kitchen," Dande said, shoving Emmy toward the kitchen door in the nicest way possible as she heard the precursor rumblings of Da Mastah about to blow his stack.

"She!"

"I know, Mastah Darling."

"And then she!"

"I'll have a talk with her, Mastah Darling," Dande said, stroking his bicep.

"I'm putting another lock on that door," he charged.

"Oh fine!" Emmy said, marching back out of the kitchen and toward the front door. "Just forget my trauma over seeing the General dressed as an old fat man, go right ahead."

"Emmy," Dande said. "I know how upsetting that must have been, but--"

"Gaaaaaahhh," Emmy responded, trying to shake the image out of her brain once again. "I'm going shopping!" she announced as she quickly exited the cottage.

Dande turned toward Da Mastah, batting her eyelashes as she prepared to soothe the lion.

But instead of growling, he was giving her an odd look.

"What is it, Mastah Darling?"

"Why are they dressing Obi-Wan as an old fat man?"

Dande smiled gently. "They're dressing him as Santa Claus, dear. I'm sure they're not making him fat, though. I assume it has something to do with being naughty girls for him."

"Wishpuff," Da Mastah said, putting up his hand.

"Yes Mastah Darling."

"I don't wish to know more about this."

~*~

"She completely flipped out apparently," Judy said as she polished her bar.

"Big surprise," Laure said. "Her loss."

Judy grinned with a bit of nawtay evil in her eyes. "Yup."

"That belt sure came in handy as well," Laure said with a sly smirk.

"And in a special news bulletin," came Aragorn's voice from the TV screen. "By nightfall this campus will be swarming with Orcs."

"This is outrageous!" Jael protested. "Our security forces would never let such a thing happen."

"Jael," Max said, gently patting her arm. "He is a good man, he is merely concerned."

"He is implying that our security force is sub-standard," Jael responded. "This is slander!"

"Oh calm down, he's just trying to be helpful," Laure said. "Somebody has to deliver the news, and I don't think anybody wants Commo doing it."

Jael glowered at Laure. "Why is it that your men always cause so much trouble?"

Laure smiled. "Cool, huh. Besides, all those princesses got in for the auction, now didn't they?"

Max jumped from his chair to make sure that Jael didn't go for her sword.

Jael's eyes narrowed. "That's because *someone* turned off the alarms."

~*~

"OH YEAH, FIFTH LEVEL ELF MASTER BABY!" Xani exclaimed, arms punching high into the air.

Dor rolled her eyes and sighed. "You'd think that maybe after all the trouble he caused, he'd be a *little* contrite," she said to Pelham loud enough for Xani to hear.

Pelham gave her one of his incredulous looks.

"Oh God," Dor said, tossing down the blank Christmas cards she hadn't sent yet, "I'm beginning to sound sober."

Pelham reached for the bottle of Makers and a glass.

"No, I don't need a glass," Dor said, snatching the bottle out of his hand.

~*~

"I really need it."

"But my dear, eleven thousand dollars in cash is a great amount to send, what with all these riff raff roaming the galaxy and hijacking communication lines."

"Just fry their asses," Darry said.

"Well yes, I suppose I could do that," Palpatine said. "Still, the credit card will earn purchasing points. Let's see...yes, points toward William Sonoma, Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrell, just to name a few."

"But--"

"Oh look at this, special bonus points granted through the month of December toward AIWA stereo systems...."

Darry made a face of impatience. "But it's for something speeeecccciiaaaaallll," she said in a teasing voice.

"Reeeaaalllyy," Palpatine responded, suddenly forgetting about the extra double super bonus points toward a variety of eating establishments.

"Yessssss," Darry purred.

"Very well then, I shall wire the money to you immediately," he said, having not the slightest idea that nothing at Victoria's Secret cost $11,000.00.

"Excellent," Darry said. "Now, back to what I'm wearing...."

~*~

"I don't get it," Indy said as cherries, lemons, and bells rolled round and round and round.

"Watch me again," Ellie said, placing her quarters in the slot machine and pulling the lever. "See!" she said as the slot machine dinged and dumped out five quarters.

"But you've already put in ten quarters," Indy said.

"Yeah?"

"I still don't get it," Indy said, shaking his head and walking away.

"It's called having fun!" Ellie called out.

"Eh, what does he know," Han said, appearing behind Ellie and putting his quarters in her machine.

The slot machine went berserker as 3 cherries lined up.

"Oh my God!" Ellie exclaimed. "We won!!"

"That's the way to do it, sweetheart!" Han yelled excitedly.

"Let me get this straight," Logan said, leaning against the wall and eyeing both of them. "You put all your money into this machine, and now you're just winning all your money back."

Ellie stopped clapping.

"So there's no actual house that you're taking," Logan said. "You're just...taking yourself?"

"Crap," Ellie said, appearing rather deflated. "See, I *told* Judy that these needed to go in the pub!"

Logan just laughed and went to look for a beer.

"Wait, this is all *your* money?" Han said, his hands plunging into the obscenely large pile of quarters.

"Yeah," Ellie sighed, flopping down into her chair.

"Where's the rest of it?" Han asked, a dreamy look in his eye.

"Subtle," Ellie said, giving Han a look. "Real subtle."

~*~

The General grinned at his reflection. Very clever.

He swaggered down the hall toward Emmy's flat.

Kendra was muttering to herself as she scribbled notes on a pad of paper, but even her Revenge O'Doom plans couldn't distract her from the image of the General swaggering down the hall wearing black pants, black boots, and his Santa jacket hanging wide open to reveal a bare chest.

"Hey, sailor, come here often?" Kendra said.

The General waggled his eyebrows. "You will be happy to know that I have found a solution to our earlier problems, and I'm off to see Emmy now."

Kendra, still momentarily dazed by the vision of half-nekkid General, just nodded.

And then she snapped to full attention as she watched the back of the big red coat sway as he walked. "NOOOOO!" she yelled, running after him and throwing herself into a full body tackle as he approached Emmy's door.

The General "uuuufff"d as his back hit the wall.

Not missing a beat, Kendra grabbed his arms and tried to drag him away.

"Kendra, what is the mattah?"

"You can't let her see you like that!" Kendra ordered in a very loud whisper.

"No, it's fine," the General said. "I discovered with Laure earlier today that a svelte Kris Kringle is quite a different thing from Santa Claus," he said, quite proud of himself.

"No. Come. Now," Kendra reiterated, yanking on his arms quite furiously.

And then she gasped as she heard Emmy's door open. Kendra spun around and tried to make herself look larger in order to cover the General's appearance.

"Nothing to see here!" Kendra said, stretching up on her tippy toes.

"What are you--gaaaaaaaaaahhh!" she responded as she caught a glimpse of the big red coat.

"Emmy, it's fine," the General said, stepping around Kendra so that Emmy could see he was shirtless, a trick that had gotten him out of several Diva jams in the past.

Emmy paused for a moment, the sight of bare skin *was* quite appealing.

"I'm a young Kris Kringle now," the General said happily.

"Arrrrggghhh," said Kendra.

"Bleeeeeehhhhh!" said Emmy.

"But Emmy--

"Are you high??!!" the Diva said. "You think I want to boink the man who sings and dances around with the Winter Warlock and the Burgermeister Meisterburger??"

"But--"

"Eeeuuuuugghhhh," Emmy shuddered, slamming her eyes shut and shaking her head. "Brain scrub brain scrub brain scrub," she repeated as she slammed the door.

Kendra made growling noises. "Now I'll never get near my lake! She'll probably put rabid dogs all around it!"

"I thought this was a very good idea," the General said defensively.

"Do me a favor, and just STOP trying to be clever!" Kendra said.

"Fine."

"Fine!"

The General frowned and crossed his arms.

Then Kendra hooked her hand around his arm. "C'mon, there's still forty-five minutes left," she said, bounding into a broom closet.

~*~

"No, no, noooooo," Cap'n Tara said. "I want *that* jet to shoot on 'jing'. *This* jet to shoot on 'gle'. *This* jet to shoot on bells."

The fire crew, all dressed in full hip waders and standing in the lake, gave their Cap'n irritable looks.

Tara pointed to each jet as she instructed. "Jing. Gle. Bells. Jing. Gle. Bells. Like that."

"Is that smoke?" Tyr asked, pointing toward the poolhouse.

"Nah, it's just steam," Roux replied.

"I *said*," Tyr said, widening his eyes. "Is that *smoke*?"

Roux stared blankly at Tyr until the lightbulb went on. "FIRE! FIRE AT THE POOLHOUSE!"

"About fucking time," Boromir groused, slogging out of the lake.

"Stop! There's no fire!" Tara commanded.

"Fire?? Did I hear fire??" Tanner yelled from the Diva's office window. "I'll be right OOOWWWW!"

"Everyone stay where you are!" Tara said as her crew ignored her.

"We have to at least go rescue Tanner," Boromir said, striding past her.

"That's right," Tyr said. "All for one, and one for all!"

"Speak for yourself," Roux said. "I'm going to the pub."

"You can't just leave!" Tara said. "I haven't dismissed you yet."

All crewmen looked over their shoulders at Tara and shrugged.

"It's cold out here," Tyr said.

"Wusses!" Tara yelled. Then she folded her legs and plopped onto the ground with a heavy sigh, staring at her fountain jets.

Two jets splurted in her general direction.

"What is your damage anyway?" she growled, standing up and walking swiftly toward the firehouse.

~*~

"Hey," Darry said, walking into Laure's office.

"Hey," Laure replied. "Heard about the Diva?"

"Let me guess, she went totally mental over something really inconsequential?"

"We really need some more excitement around here, all the news is old news," Laure said. Then she took a swig of her Irish Coffee. "I can't believe I just said that."

"Be careful what you wish for around here," Darry said. The Nurse reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of cash. "Here."

"What's this?"

"Eleven thousand dollars for the Elf," Darry said. "I gotta run, math lesson."

"Wait a minute," Laure said, but the Nurse was already gone before she could tell her that Kendra had already given her a wad of cash a mere ten minutes prior.

Laure opened her desk drawer to look at Kendra's pile of cash. Then she looked at Darry's pile of cash.

The Mediator had a momentary glimmer of an ethical dilemma.

But then she remembered all the Christmas shopping she still had to do.

She picked up Darry's pile of cash and placed it next to Kendra's.

"It's not like the Nurse will ever be away from Cic long enough to notice, or that Kendra will be away from the General long enough to notice."

Then her door flew open, and the Diva came flying in.

"Put one foot in front of the other," Laure started to sing.

"Shut up."

"And soon you'll be walkin' 'cross the floo-ooo-ooor," Laure continued with a big grin.

"I *said*--"

"Enh, I heard you," Laure said, slamming her desk drawer shut. "Your loss."

"Bite me," Emmy said. "Here." The Diva tossed a pile of cash onto Laure's desk.

"What's this??"

"Eleven thousand dollars so I can dress Legolas as a Christmas elf."

Laure took a deep breath. She really shouldn't. Taking another gulp of her Irish Coffee to dispel any lingering inner moral conflict, she grabbed Emmy's money.

"Good," Emmy said, turning to leave.

"Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walkin' out the door," Laure sang, cracking herself up as Emmy slammed the door.

"You've become quite the mercenary, luv," Spike said, leaning against the doorway of Laure's bedroom.

"Hey, it's a capitalist country," Laure said with a shrug, opening her desk drawer to admire the $33,000 she made in less than 20 minutes.

~*~

The strains of Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On" faded out, and Aragorn's voice filled the radio airwaves. "Mind yourselves. Night has fallen, and Orcs are sure to be out in force."

Emmy sighed, and switched off her radio. "Orc schmork," she said. "I've got lots of other things to worry about."

Emmy "uuufff"d as she was suddenly pushed against a wall. Her first instinct was to maim and kill. But as she regathered her senses, her mood changed to quite a different tone.

"What could you possibleh have to worry about right now?" the General purred.

"Uuuhhh," Emmy replied as black-shirted, black-leather-trousered General pressed her against the wall.

The General smirked, "That's what I thought."

The Diva quirked an eyebrow, "Don't ever dress that way within fifty yards of me ever--"

And the General halted the Diva's speech in perfectly boinkable General fashion.

~*~

Kendra made frustrated noises and grabbed at her own hair.

"Padawan, have a drink," Judy said, shoving a mega-rita under Kendra's nose.

Kendra madly scribbed on her nearly shredded napkins.

"I thought you said you paid Laure for Legolas," Judy said.

"I did! But it's the principle of the thing! I'm still entitled to revenge!"

"And you're delusional as well," Darry said, sliding into the pub for a martini shaker refill.

"Excuse me??" Kendra said.

"I already paid Laure for Legolas," the Nurse replied coolly.

"When?!"

"Oh, around five o'clock."

"That's when *I* paid her!"

The Nurse stared at Kendra. "Let me get this straight, you paid Laure eleven thousand dollars around five o'clock?"

"Yes!"

"And I paid Laure eleven thousand dollars around five o'clock."

"Apparently," Kendra said with a huff.

"And she said nothing to either of us about each of us having paid," Darry said.

"This is wrong on so many levels," Kendra growled.

"And in breaking news," Aragorn broadcasted over the radio, "it appears that the Dean of the University has paid eleven thousand dollars in order to turn Legolas into a Christmas Elf. I do not know what this means, my friend, but be on your guard."

"She WHAT?!!" Kendra responded.

The Nurse just laughed.

"What's so funny?" Kendra demanded.

Darry just kept laughing and walked out of the pub with her martini shaker.

~*~

"t'was in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair...but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her...."

"*How* many times is he going to play that song?" Ellie said, wrapping her coat around her.

"He's just a little focused," Laure said. "I'm working on it."

"How long do we have to stand out here?" Jen Jen asked. "It's freezing."

"Oh, humor the man," Dor said. "They get this way over electrical stuff."

"He better not be wearing that damn costume again," Emmy said.

"And now," Aragorn said as the song ended. "Against my express recommendation, I have been asked to make sure that all students and staff are on the front lawn for the tree lighting ceremony. Please be vigilant at all times."

"This campus is perfectly safe!" Jael yelled in the direction of the Communications Building.

"YOU!" Kendra yelled, marching toward Laure with fury in her eyes.

"Oh look, Legolas is half-nekkid and covered in glitter," Laure said.

Kendra suddenly tripped and looked around. "Where??"

"Oh sorry, that was just one of the lighted reindeer," Laure responded.

Emmy snorted with amusement.

Before Kendra could respond, a great flash of light illuminated the entire front lawn.

Everyone gasped and cheered as the HSU Christmas tree glowed in silvery, glittery -- dare I say -- diamond-esque glory.

The General, The Other General, Da Mastah, the Servant, Hak, and all various and sundry tree decorators beamed, all quite proud of themselves as everyone ooh'd and aaah'd.

Except for Xani, who proclaimed the whole thing stupid but who nevertheless was standing out in the cold with everyone else anyway.

Judy, ever the woman of action, finally proclaimed, "Alright, everyone in the pub before we freeze to death! Time for the party!"

A chorus of "woo-hoo"s erupted, and everyone hurried inside for the holiday festivities.

Many happy creatures stirring and an abundance of comfort and joy.

The End