Title: Don´t Leave HOme
Author: The D&D Show
Archive: Duh
Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda actors, directors, writers, studios.
Notes: Thanks to Dido for the wicked song! It reminds the Nurse of her fav LotR character.
~*~
Like a ghost don´t need a key,
your best friend I´ve come to be…
And please don´t think of getting up for me,
you don´t even need to speak.
~*~
And I´ve been here for just one day,
you´ll already miss me if I go away.
So close the blinds and shut the door,
you won´t need other friends anymore.
~*~
I arrived when you were weak.
I´ll make you weaker, like a child.
Now all your love you´ll give to me,
when your heart is all I need.
~*~
Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
when it´s just you and little me.
Everything is clear and everything is new,
so you won´t be leaving, will you?
~*~
If you´re cold I´ll keep you warm.
And if you´re low just hold on.
Cause I´ll be your safety,
oh, don´t leave home.
~*~
Ohhhhhhhh, don't leave HOme.
~*~
Kendra sauntered into the HSU garage, pulling Cal´s little red wagon behind her. Slowly strolling the length of the massive room, she kicked one of the tires on Xani´s Kawasaki and was rewarded by the crash she heard as it toppled over into the Commomobile.
Cic´s car blinked at her as she approached the Nurse´s BMW. The Beemer was being guarded by four tall men dressed from head to toe in red. They were stationed at all four corners of the car. They looked ominous. They would have been ominous if Kendra hadn´t overheard them.
“That was twenty.”
“That was never twenty. That was nineteen. I still have one question left.”
“That was twenty and you´re never going to guess who I am, anyway.”
“Will so. You´re JR Ewing.”
“You bastard! You cheated!”
Kendra discreetly cleared her throat. “Excuse me.”
The Imperial Guard became all business, ready for a fight.
“I just need to pop something into the car, if you don´t mind.” She indicated the contents of the wagon.
Since the four guards were native to Coruscant, none of them recognised the mince pies, candy canes, applesauce and latkes. Cic´s car did recognise them though, and began munching as Kendra tried to stare down four men she couldn´t see.
That had never stopped any Ho before and it didn´t stop this one this time.
Just when the Guards thought they had the better of the Water Ho, Kendra pulled out her sekrit weapon. She reached into her Gap jacket and handed them all Happy Hour coupons for Hooters.
The Guard dispersed in a very un-military-like fashion; that is to say they jumped into Emmy´s 4Runner and sped away.
Kendra turned to the task at hand and proceeded to stuff the remaining crap into the Nurse´s car.
~*~
LP walked over to where Dor sat on King Arthur´s lap at the front desk in the Library, apparently reading to the Once and Future King.
“M´lady,” LP began.
”I´m busy,” Dor said, cutting off the Lavender Lord.
Pelham lifted a perfectly arched brow. “Doing, what, exactly?”
Dor threw an incredulous look at LP. “Training my new Library Assistant! Duh!”
“By reading to T.H. White to him?”
“Yes! So that he can avoid a few pitfalls that might be coming up.”
LP sighed heavily, yet eloquently. “As much as I hate to interrupt your new found altruistic side, M´lady, there is a slight problem with your husband.”
Dor rolled her eyes dramatically. “Tell me something I don´t know! He has so many problems the Wench can´t bake cookies fast enough to help Xani deal with all his issues. Just staple him to a wall in the Clinic. Oooh, or in Emmy´s office, she needs a new dartboard.”
“Your husband?” King Arthur asked.
“Well, who knows if it was even a legal wedding ceremony. I mean Mace is a Jedi, not a priest, right?”
It was LP´s turn to roll his eyes. “Have you not noticed that the man you sleep with every night who is most certainly your husband has become a bit paranoid? He will not let me the library to play poker with Macleane at the Fire House any longer.”
“Really?” Dor asked and then she looked at the front door of the Library and noticed the new security cameras. “Hmm…is he jealous of you and Macleane?”
LP nodded. “I do not know why.”
Dor laughed. “Gee, I wonder?”
LP glared imperiously at Dor until she finally relented and stood up. “I´ll be back later,” she said to King Arthur. “And if you see Aragorn again, don´t tease him about not being King yet, k?”
King Arthur nodded. “Perhaps he will take me Orc hunting again.”
Dor waved her hand. “Yeah, whataver,” she said dismissively and then she turned to Pelham. “Okay, where´s Xani?”
“In the bedroom, ordering more security devices online.”
“Oh, that can´t be good,” Dor said as trudged up the spiral staircase to the upper level of the bedroom.
~*~
“I just can´t trust anyone around here,” Emmy explained to Lucius Malfoy. She sat behind her imposing GDD in her equally imposing GDC and clunky Sketchers. “So you can understand why I´m looking for someone to guard the place.”
“Now, when you say ‘guard´, do you mean ‘guard´ like not allowing people to enter, or do you mean ‘guard´ like turning them into a newt if they so much as look at the door?” Malfoy wanted to be perfectly clear about his role.
“I mean exactly that- er-the second one.”
“Very well. I think we understand each other.” Malfoy looked at the opposite side of the desk, which was jammed up against the wall. He began to wedge himself toward the chair.
Emmy clamoured on top of and over the desk. Before squashing herself through the door, she turned back toward him and warned before he had a chance to sit.
“Don´t touch anything.”
~*~
“So you see, I do not want one ring on this bar. As a water-Ho, my padawan doesn´t seem to understand this concept. No one seems to realize how important this is to me.”
Judy´s new bouncer looked down through his armour's visor at the pristine bar top and then at the clientele. Max, Indy and Logan looked back at the bar and wondered if things had just gotten better or gotten worse.
“I won´t be out too long each day, you understand. I have …er…appointments to keep and I´m occasionally on the phone for business meetings, but usually I´m here. I just need someone trustworthy to keep the rabble at bay.
Judy looked thoughtfully at her regular customers who looked a little hurt. “Not you guys. You´ve learned the rules of the bar. It´s the miners, the Orcs, the Fire Department and other flotsam that can´t seem to grasp the simple use of a coaster.”
Max, Indy and Logan all held up their coasters making sure the Bartender noticed.
Judy gave her new staff another once-over. “Now, I do realize you´re a mercenary and not in this for my sake, but you come highly recommended from a business colleague of mine."
The man in the armour shrugged.
"Mr Axe? I believe you´ve done some…uh…custodial work for him in the past.”
Ah. Jango nodded.
“Here are the keys. We open at 11am and close at 3am. Don´t touch the bat or the blender.” Judy left for her lunchtime appointment.
~*~
“Oy, Worm-eye, Worm-foot, Whatever!” Darry tapped a Ferragamo-clad toe on the smooth Clinic floor. “Get over here.” Wormtongue sidled over to her. “You so much as called, my Princess?”
Darry frowned at him. “Hardly. I´m not a Princess, I´m a Ho. You´d better learn the difference or you won´t last long at HSU.”
“As you say, your Ho-ness.” Wormtongue walked around Darry, nodding appreciatively.
“And you can stop ogling me, too. I´m married. And I already have a sycophant love- er never mind. I asked you here for a reason. And no, it´s not to give me any advice. I need you to keep an eye on the Clinic for me.”
Wormtongue looked about the pristine room. “Why? It doesn´t look like it needs to guarded.”
“I´ll tell you why. I have too many people bothering me with their petty problems and I have two very annoying ‘regulars´”.
Wormtongue became all business.
Darry continued “One is the scoundrel Greysider from next door. For some reason, he seems obsessed with the X-Ray machine. No skin off my nose if he wants to glow in the dark, but I´ll have the Dean in here faster than you can say Marie Curie when the bloody power bill arrive. I need someone just as slippery to make sure he doesn´t sneak in here.”
“Is he working on some sort of weapon?” Wormtongue suggested.
“He could be working on his tan, for all I know. Just see that he stays out!”
“And the other?” Wormtongue sidled around Darry. She turned to keep eye-contact with him, something to which he was unaccustomed. Usually people avoided his glance.
“An obnoxious padawanabe named Cal. Feel free to use extreme force in dealing with him.” Darry thought some more. “In fact, just keep everyone out except me, a tall dark-haired guy with floppy hair and scars and well-dressed pharmaceutical rep that likes to be called ‘Emperor´.”
~*~
Dor charged into the bedroom and Xani looked up from his computer with at Dor with a puzzled expression. “And you are…?” he aksed.
Dor arched a brow and kicked him. Hard. With steel-toe Docs. “Ah, yes, my lovely and sweet wife,” Xani said, rubbing his leg where the boot had made contact. “Who has mysteriously turned into a workaholic since she started training her new “assistant”.
“What the frack are you ordering?” Dor asked leaning down to peer at the screen. “Remote killer robots? What are those for?”
“To guard our possessions oh, sweet and sour bane of my existence,” Xani said. “We can put one downstairs and a couple in the garage. I don´t want my motorcycle to be stolen or Pel´s Range Rover.”
Dor arched a brow. “King Arthur can guard downstairs,” she said primly.
Xani met her arched brow with one of his own. “And what exactly would he be guarding? He spends all his time listening to you read. Is he guarding your voice?”
Dor let her brow fall and rolled her eyes. “Jealous?”
“No,” Xani said quickly. Then he reconsidered. “Yes, I am. I think we should see how chain mail stands up to a lightsaber,” he said, rising from his leather chair.
Dor´s hand stopped Xani´s ascent. “Would you rather we had a baby for me to read stories to?”
Xani fainted, falling back into the chair.
Dor turned to LP. “See, you just have to know how to make him see your point of view. He won´t wake up for a while, go play with Macleane.”
“You do realize those wretched machines will malfunction and destroy every car in the garage, don´t you?” LP asked.
Dor shrugged. “Why the hell should I care, do I own a car? Well, a non-possessed car?”
~*~
"Love, it's very important that you understand this concept." Laure walked round and round her office, trying not to think about the bottle in the top right-hand drawer of her desk. She was saving it as a special treat during her next appointment. How she loved licking Baileys off the General. "Lucius Malfoy is not related to you. I guarantee it."
"Are you sure?" Her erstwhile emperor lay on the sofa, looking intently at his Wo as she paced. "How do you know?"
Laure stopped behind the desk and sat down with a weary-sounding sigh. "First of all, how old are you?"
Commo thought. "Twenty-seven."
"And how old was Lucius when you last saw him?" Laure began rubbing her temples.
"Eight."
Laure opened the desk drawer and peeked in. "And how old is Lucius Malfoy?"
Commo considered. "I do not know. But I shall find out and then expose him. I cannot allow him to live and jeopardize my right to the throne. My father appointed me successor-"
Laure didn't look up. "Uh huh..."
"-and no little boy is going to stand in my way." He was halfway out the door when he suddenly stopped short and turned around. Laure paused, bottle halfway to her lips.
"Hey!" Commo enthused. "If he is Lucius, then maybe he can tell me where my sister is!" He ran toward the stairs.
Laure took a long healthy pull.
~*~
"And just how in the name of Corellia am I supposed to fix the ship with a broken wrist?" Han sat on the edge of the bed and held up his bruised arm.
Ellie held his other hand with both of hers and tried (unsuccessfully) to make Doe Eyes® at her smuggler. "I'm really sorry. I had completely forgotten about that dumb fruit thingy being there."
"And why do you have a blasted fruit machine in your room anyway?" Han stood up and walked toward the offending item. "When you told me to get to your room fast, I thought it was urgent. I didn't expect to run into that thing on the way in."
"It IS urgent. I have a spare twenty minutes between classes and I wanted to see you."
The smuggler's arm started to swell up. "Well, a lot of good this is now!" He looked down at his bruised wrist. I wouldn't be able to feel anything but pain at the moment."
Ellie thought quickly. What did she have in the room that she could splint his arm with? Chips? No. Haken's blankie? No. Tiger tranquilizing darts? No.
There was just no getting round it. She was gonna have to take him to the Clinic.
~*~
"Wicked." Lucious Malfoy licked the foam off his lips and sat back in the deep leather chair.
The phone rang. He glanced at it, wondering if he was supposed to answer it. Whilst he was in the middle of concocting a pithy salutation, Emmy's answering machine clicked on.
"You have reached the office of the Dean. At the sound of the tone, please leave your Visa or MasterCard number."
There was a pause. "Any dish? I have cookies," said a mellifluous voice. The machine clicked again as the caller hung up.
Lucious looked down at the arm of the chair. "Hmmmm." This time he pressed the button marked "macchiata, extra sweet".
Outside the Dean's door stood a slightly insane emperor.
~*~
Outside the Nurse's door stood a slightly insane emperor.
Trying to appear regal, he knocked on the door. It opened and a very pale unkempt man barred the way into the Clinic. "Who are you and what is your business in this domain?"
"I am Emperor. I demand admittance."
Wormtongue considered, looking at the man and trying to recall the list of "acceptable visitors" which the nurse had given him. The man standing in front of him was clad in an Armani jacket and trousers, golf shoes and a purple Lacoste shirt.
"Come in, Emperor. How can I help you?" Wormtongue closed the door and ushered the man to a chair next to Darry's desk.
"I seek the Nurse for important business."
"Ohhh?" Wormtongue hadn't had time to install the cameras in the Clinic yet, and didn't want the Nurse to start a "therapy session" with the pharmaceutical rep until he was ready to preserve the moment. Had he had more time to inspect the premises, he would have noticed that he needn't have bothered; Dor and Xani had already wired the place years ago. "Please be comfortable. I shall see if she's in her boudoir."
He was about to start for the stairs, when there was a sharp knock at the door, followed by the sound of running feet.
"Excuse me," Wormtongue said greasily. He turned away from the Emperor and went to the door.
Commo frowned. Somewhere in this office was a medical record with Lucius Malfoy's date-of-birth written on it.
When Wormtongue opened the door, he saw the Nurse's assistant running away and a man standing in front of him. The man had floppy hair and a scar.
And a badly broken wrist.
"Come in." Wormtongue greeted him. "Please make yourself comfortable and I'll go get the mistress."
~*~
Lucius tried another button: "skinny blueberry muffin".
~*~
The good-looking UPS guy strolled into the Bar. He wore a wary smile and carried a large tube and one of those boxes that you have to sign when you took delivery of something.
The place was heaving. The bar contained an orc army, a Roman army, an elf army, and one Padawanabe, looking for his lost little red wagon.
Since Kendra was busy stuffing food into the Nurse's and Cic's cars and Judy was at an appointment, Jango had been left to tend the bar. Which would have worked if he'd known how to use the till. But he didn't.
He'd tried to figure it out but after the third attempt, the cash register had been reduced a blasted smoking heap of metal- twisted and evil.
So, now he just gave everyone drinks without charging them. Hence the crowd.
The UPS guy waited politely for Jango to finish his discussion with Haldir over whose armour was cooler. He waited politely as Jango and Haldir's discussion escalated into a fist-fight.
He ducked as Jango and Haldir rolled over the bar and into the throng of sweaty men, who would have started making bets had their bookie been present.
Cal walked up to the now frightened-looking UPS guy. "Don't worry. This happens all the time. Can I help you?"
"Yes," the UPS guy held out his electronic keypad. "You can sign for this."
"Sign for what?" Cal adjusted his braid as an orc flew overhead almost knocking it off.
"This." The UPS guy heaved an enormous heavy tube to the bar. "Says it's from Kamino. Sent from someone named Lama Su to someone named Jango."
Cal looked at the package. It was poorly wrapped in a black plastic rubbish bag. "Okay," said Cal, feeling important that he got to sign something. He scribbled "Padawanabe Cal" and the UPS guy turned and charged out, just as a Roman officer came flying over them landing heavily on the bar, his sword cutting through the plastic on the package.
"Hey!" shouted Cal, adjusting his paperclip. Fearing life and braid, he decided to search elsewhere in his wagonquest.
The tube began to ooze seawater all over the bar.
~*~
"Worf!!!!!!!" Delphi's shout shook the Administration Building's foundations. The sleeping Klingon blinked blearily at his Wo, then covered his head. "Where've you been? Didn't you realise I've spent all night dealing with an XC57P38 all night? I mean, it was life and death, touch and go, really scary!"
"What's an XC5..6..U89?" Worf growled from under the pillow.
Delphi walked up to the dressing table in their room and straightened her scrunchie. "Some freshman spilled beer all over her modem, the stupid cow."
Worf groaned and rolled over, pulling the pillow with him.
"And just where were you all night?" Delphi asked, eyeing her Klingon from the mirror.
"At Quark's. I mean, at Judy's." Worf's voice was muffled, but no less threatening-sounding. "It was…crazy; drunken fighting for as far as the eye could see. I finished all the blood wine in the place."
"Worf! Where did you get that ring?"
Worf looked at his finger. "What ring?"
There was a simple gold band on his left pinkie. "Is it for me?" Delphi demanded.
"Er…yes." He vainly attempted to remove the ring without looking at his hands. He reminded Delphi of her last sobriety test at the hands of the Estrogen County Constabulatory.
Delphi grabbed the ring from him. "Where'd you get it?"
Worf wracked his wine-soaked brain. "I believe I may have won it from a child who challenged me to a bat'let contest. Or it might have been darts." Worf was foggy on the details.
Delphi looked closely at the ring. It looked strikingly familiar. "Uh, huh… And this 'child', did he have any little friends with him?"
Worf abandoned sleep and sat up, the sheet falling enticingly around him. "He might have. He certainly had a lot of tall fair-haired friends, all wielding bows and arrows and fighting with the bartender over who had the most beautiful armour."
~*~
Palpatine took a deep breath and girded his loins. "Dean Emmy, I am afraid that I am going to have to ask for that chair back."
Pause. Should he duck now?
"You see, my dear, it has a few..ah..special modifications I made myself that I forgot to tell you about."
Pause. Calm. Remain calm.
"It comes equipped with a flame-thrower, planet-destroyer and kidney-kicker. But they're kept a secret or else the blasted Jedi weapons inspectors on Coruscant would have banned it."
Yes, that should work. He should come out of the interview with his chair intact and not wearing a clunky shoe embedded in his head.
Palpatine took another deep breath and knocked on the door.
~*~
Lucious Malfoy experimentally tried the button labelled "chai."
~*~
Luckily the sprinklers automatically came on and the fire alarm sounded over at Tara's place.
Luckily Emmy had had fire doors installed in the Admin Building after the last conflagration.
Luckily Lucious had tied his hair back after getting foam in when he tested out all the cappuccinos.
~*~
Palpatine heard the telltale sounds of alarms and cursing and bid a hasty retreat towards the Clinic.
~*~
Judy stretched languidly. "I really should get back to the Pub."
The General feigned surprise. "No you don't. Time is meaningless here. It just goes on and on and…"
"True…" Judy mused, not going anywhere.
And a good thing too.
~*~
Kendra returned to the Pub, pulling Cal's empty wagon along with her.
Once there, she found three drunken bleeding armies littered about the large room and the bar covered in corrosive seawater.
Her first thought was the General. He opened staple boxes for her; surely he could clean this up. She walked behind the bar to get a rag and found Jango and Haldir, still trying to strangle each other.
The again, she'd have to explain all…this.
Kendra stepped over the combatants and started picking pretzels up off the floor.
~*~
The fire department arrived on the scene in record time, considering they were all dressed as reindeer.
Plunkett and Macleane rushed into the Dean's office holding a large, hard hose. LP, not being to resist large, hard hoses, was close behind them Macleane, being the front of the reindeer was actually holding the hose. His antlers slightly askew, he turned the powerful spray of water on the Dean's GDC and Lucius Malfoy. Neither the chair nor the wizard was pleased.
"That is a potent stream you have, men," LP noted, straightening Macleane's antlers.
"Thank you, Pelham," Macleane said. "We believe in a show of force when it comes to fighting fires on this campus."
Plunkett said something, but it was rather muffled by the thick reindeer suit.
Once the fire was out, the men in (reindeer) uniform turned off their powerful water stream and surveyed the Dean's office. It could now be used as a swimming pool. Pelham doubted that the Dean would see that little fact as a positive thing though.
A very wet Lucius Malfoy was sprawled on the floor. "I was treated better than this in Azkaban." He noted dryly. (Because Looshus can speak dryly even when soaking wet.)
He raised his wand at the reindeer and the Lavender Lord.
Pelham, knowing from his time with Dor that an angry witch or wizard with a raised wand was never a good thing….especially if the said wizard could actually properly perform spells… and he tugged on the reindeer's antlers. "Time for us to go, love."
The Lavender Lord and the reindeer (moving remarkably fast in the cumbersome costume) fled the room just as a shower of green light was emitted from Lucius' wand.
~*~
Darry and Cic had managed to produce some pretty strange sounds together in the Clinic. Power drilling was not one of them.
Only one room at HSU had mastered this sound: the Library.
Darry got out of bed and threw on a silk robe. She started down the spiral stairs and looked around the Clinic.
Commo was rifling through her filing cabinet, Han was filling his pockets with plasters and cotton balls and it sounded like someone was dismantling the X-Ray machine.
Wormtongue was heading up the stairs toward her.
Halfway down the stairs, Darry thrust out a hand and pointed a finger tipped in OPI's "Hoodoo Voodoo".
"Get out NOW if you know what's good for you," called Xani from the hole in the wall behind the lead screen.
"You're fired," Darry said to Wormtongue, turning on her heel and walking back up the stairs.
~*~
"Where did you get it?" Dande asked. She sipped tea delicately as Delphi showed her the piece of jewellery Worf had stolen for her.
"Some dumb Middle Earth types."
Dande raised her eyebrows.
"He won it fair and square!" Delphi exclaimed, not-so-delicately splashing tea all over her lap.
"I'm sure he was very honourable about the theft." Laure quipped as she set a plateful of muffins on Dande's coffee table.
Delphi scoffed. She would have said more, but busied herself instead by cramming a muffin into her mouth. "Bythwayyourmperprwsnbnbgthwonotofclnc."
"Huh?" Both Wench and Wo couldn't speak MouthFull.
"I said, did you know, on the way here I saw your emperor being thrown out of the Clinic."
Laure gaped. "Oh no."
"Yeah, he looked bruised."
Laure set down her china cup of Darjeeling and pulled out a bottle in a brown paper bag.
"I can fix this," Dande said without missing a beat. She picked up the Red Phone of Dish.
"Operator."
Dande put her hand over the phone. "All of a sudden I'm in the Matrix."
"IbwameDorotea," Shelly said around another muffin.
Dande didn't miss a beat. "No, it's the Nurse's fault." She took her hand off the phone and looked at Laure. "Get me the General. Stat."
~*~
"Hey, don't feel so bad. You should see the Pub." Tara's comment didn't cheer Emmy much. "And now you have more space in here."
Emmy cursed and kicked the rear-end of a retreating reindeer.
~*~
"My precious…" Cal looked around the HSU garage. It had been here. He could feel it.
~*~
TBC