Sere rattles here papers and begins:

Today in headlines....

The Diva Dean is rumored to have rigged the latest Powerball Contest with the assist of a Jedi who is not Xani or Obi-Wan. We contacted the Alderaani Gaming Commission. Their official statement was, "We have formed a committee to investigate." These reporters do not expect to hear any judgement any time soon.

The SPCA was called to HSU's campus today on repeated reports of animal cruelty. It was explained to them that Cal was not an animal, nor was he truly human. The team searched the campus, finally tracking the "tortured sounds of an animal dying slowly" to one of our own who was merely practicing for the upcoming Piping Contest. The SPCA left without any more comments other than they would be contacting Wanker U regarding the complaints.

The recent rumors flying, fed by the Dean and other Ho's, that the new Elf on campus would be wed are woefully incorrect. We conjecture that the Dean was hoping for more appointments, and as usual that's not news to anyone on campus, nor are her predictable remarks of ungratefulness. The Ho merely looked confused and said, "It was an comment made out of annoyance with Kendra and her Elf Stalking actually. I had an appointment with the General right after I said that. No way in hell I'm giving that up to get married!"

Commo was once again chewed out by Kendra for violating her Water Regulations. Kendra threatened the Erstwhile Emperor, had new signs printed in Latin and placed at eye-level for pedestrians, those on horseback and those riding in golf carts. This reporter must say that neon green lights up the lake area quite...interesting.

Mediations between Dor's Dragon and our new Middle-earth visitors are set to begin as soon as our returning Mediator sets a date. It is rumored that Laure was recently busy trying to negotiate between Cal and his Dick.

The Orcs are still advancing on campus, though at an agonizingly slow pace. We expect to see them on campus by spring.

Judy would like to remind everyone to wash your hands before touching her bar-- that means you too Qui-Gon. The bean dip that dropped from your chip two nights ago took our bartender almost two hours of hard rubbing to get out of the bar. This reporter declines to comment on the actual method of "hard rubbing."

Jael and Max are looking for a nice, cozy home suitable for a Warrior Princess and her General. If anyone has a lead, please drop it off at the bulldozer near the Eastside of the Rugby field.

The Diva would like to take this time to remind everyone with EA's and EF's that you are all Ungrateful with a capital "u" and thank you for giving up your appointments. You can comment on this Monday through Friday at the Dean's Office in the Admin Building between the hours of 10 a.m. and 10:10 a.m.

This is Sere saying, until tomorrow, savor your appointments and sharpen your swords!

As always, the comments made on this broadcast do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this radio station. Please direct all flames to Draco.