HSU: The Issue Closet
Author: Shana (and Ellie in part 2)
Timeline: Before Darry's 'HSU Zone'
Rating: what's that?
Disclaimer: I know nothing.

Okay, so my boredom got worse and I jumped the gun on this. Two parts. Ellie can go after me later for being antsy. :)

~*~*~

Wrist deep in the filing to empower himself as a full-time legal representative of Ho State University-- were he on the payroll, he could buy the services of a demons strong enough to turn the entire lot of Wolfram and Hart back in LA into gerbils-- Lindsey MacDonald's head jerked up when he heard a crash in the outer office.

"Crow, what was that?"

His voice crackling through the intercom as he tried to keep the computer monitor from falling on him with his other hand, Crow panted. "Uh, Evil!Hand, we have a problem. Boss is back in, count it, thirteen hours."

Hmm, and here he had been banned from the OSA's inner office... "You just talked to her?"

There was a muffled 'Bot shriek as the tower underneath the desk wobbled by his feet. "Yep-- ack! Faxing over the reports with those idiot stockholders and chartering a flight now. With her Ho-ichlorianness, it'll take all of fifteen minutes. Crap! No fall! No fall!"

Listening to the struggle go on, Crow breaking into vulgarities before the intercom went dead, the lawyer pursed a lip. Thirteen hours? He could get himself on the payroll in that time, easy. The Evil!Hand twitched around the pen, itching to play. "Yeah, yeah, I know."

Closing the laptop and tucking it under an arm, slipping to the door as to not wake up the sleeping tiger on the couch, Lindsey opened it, closed it quickly behind him and stared.

The computer, "Lola" as the Bots called it, was laying in a heap of cords and hardware, Gold robot feet and hands waving frantically through the holes.

"Well, Crow, looks like you know what you get to do before she gets back. I'm at the pub if you need me."

Trying to shake the mouse out of his mouth, Crow wiggled so his arm stuck further out of the mess and flipped the lawyer off.

He was so dead if Lola was still broken in thirteen hours.

~*~*~

"Dean's office, Tom speaking. The Dean's terribly busy getting her little piddys pampered so I'm the only one who cares about the phone. So... how may I take a message, would you prefer it delivered in written, spoken or sung format when she comes to her senses?"

"Not funny, Servo."

Frantically turning off the sound to Diablo II, Tom cleared his throat. "Hi, boss, um, what's up in the world of bun hair and beaches?"

Emmy's voice was less than pleased. "Two questions. Has the General tried to come groveling to me yet, ready to say that he was wrong and typically male, and that I deserve to be spoiled and adored by him like I should be?"

"Last time I checked, it was business as usual," Tom opened the network and hacked into the General's office, opening the appointment file. "However, this 'locked in the closet' notation is a little odd. Doesn't Judy at least leave the closet unlocked for her appointments?"

"Whatevah, Servo, what about the grovelling and spoilage-to-be?"

"No notes about it. Still going for a high score in the Ungratefulness Towards the Diva home game, I'd guess."

"Hmph." Gesturing towards the nearest half-naked Cabana Boy, Emmy pointed at her empty glass. "Another one, and watch the ice this time. If I wanted it that cold, I'd get it at Hoth. Tom? Yeah, here's the deal. He comes to the office looking for me, tell him I don't care."

"But boss--"

"I'm sticking this out."

"Okay, Sir."

"Servo, I'll give you to the miners as a new tool to get my diamonds out."

"But--"

Emmy tapped her finger on the empty glass, re-positioning the ear bud. "What?"

"The second question?"

"Oh. Dandie-- she's coming to Alderaan, right? Maybe with Dor?"

"Uuuhhh," Tom swore as the network link closed-- Kendra must've caught him hacking in-- and shrugged as much as his body would allow. "No clue. Why don't you call the Cottage o' Home Depot-ites?"

"Thanks, evah so helpful." And with that, she hung up.

Huffing as she stared out at the ocean, Emmy stretched out on the lounge and ignored the obvious. Yeah, right, she would cave into the General. He started telling her what to do on her job. He missed the date. HE did it, not her.

It was all his fault and she would enjoy watching him admit it.

~*~*~

"So... I was thinking... how do you feel about closets?"

The General, sitting up in his chair, staring at Kendra with a worried frown, spread his hands out. "They're just fine, Kendra, but I would like to know why this is so pertinent. I had a group of potential students and their parents to give tours to today, and then my appointments with--"

"Oh, they cancelled." Kendra waved her hand around dismissively. "They all cancelled. So, how about we break out that kilt of yours and find a nice big closet."

The General looked towards the door, pondering a quick escape to Judy's pub.

"Or, OH! The lake. Yessssss. We could go out there on a gondola with some chocolates and enjoy my domain as it should be. Maybe go ring diving."

"Kendra, I think the other Grrls are right. You do seem to have issues."

Blinking and falling back a little, Kendra stared. "You think I have issues?"

"You're acting very strangely, my dear, and I'm worried about you." Standing up and walking around the desk, pausing in front of the Ho with a cock of his hip and penetrating stare, he set a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe you should go and talk to Dandie. I'll take my Mastah out for some of those supplies for the deck addition, and give the two of you privacy. All right?"

Kendra's lip pouted out. "You think I have issues?"

"They can't ALL be wrong, Kendra."

"Actually, as a matter of fact, they--"

"Kendra, luv," changing tactics, scooting close enough to set his feet next to hers, he smiled gently and set a hand underneath her chin. "It'll be bettah for you and me if you talk to the Wench first... and then we can go out onto your lovely lake."

"Uuuh... okay."

Kissing her gently and then walking past, slipping out of the office before she would figure out that he was not walking down the hallways towards the outside, but rather towards a stiff drink, the General made his exit.

But not before the shout reached his ears.

"But I still do NOT have issues!"

~*~*~

"Ten hours and counting. Servo, have you got the screwdriver?"

A flathead was slapped into Crow's hand. "Why are you taking Lola apart, Crow?"

"I broke something. I put it back upright and heard a rattle. Like, busted-modem rattle." Crow popped his head up from his work, mouse cord entangled in his net. "So I'm fixing it before I become an attractive blender."

"Yeah, I'm miner fodder if Da General doesn't kissy face up to her Divaness."

"Pliers. Kissy face?"

Tom Servo took a regal pose. "Ho stuff, not in our power to understand, only to stand in awe and fear of."

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' Pliers."

"Hmph. Well, at least we'll get Boy Scout back with the Paperwork Queen, and he can fix what I can't. Or distract her, anyways."

Tom shook his head, unconvinced. "You wish."

"Still have the better boss."

"Heh."

The phone rang up on the desk suddenly, both Bots looking up at it like a Big Red Button. "Answer that for me, Servo."

"Your office, your phone, your job."

Pushing away from the computer parts laid out on the floor and pulling himself up into the chair, Crow looked down on his companion in robothood. "Bite me."

"Again, you wish."

"Pheh. Office of Student Affairs, his wonderness Crow speaking."

There was a palpable hesitation on the other end. "Is this Hestia State University?"

Crow would have raised an eyebrow, had he eyebrows. "Uh, yeah."

"I am looking for a few... people... that have come to your campus. We knew of their leaving, but neither of them have contacted us. We're growing rather concerned."

"Wait, who is this?"

The pause grew dubious. "Obviously I've reached the wrong extension, even though this is the only one answering the rings."

Crow kicked Tom under the desk. "Yeah, I'm the only slave around here. Who are ya looking for? Ho, Wench, Wo, Mastah type, Jedi, elf, mutant, Roman, Greysider, wizard, ranger, zealot, princess, chicken, orc, English fruit, Cal, demon?"

"An elf and a ranger. Are they there?"

"Yeah, sure, making our woods a safer and arrow ridden place. Need to give 'em a message, Mister Cryptic?"

"Yes." The voice grew even more serious, "tell them that Elrond is looking for them."

Crow paused, gesturing desperately towards Servo as the other Bot wiggled a cord back into its plug. "Sure, I'll, um, pass the message along. Have a wonderful day courtesy of the one and only Hestia State University and its extremely pleasant staff."

The elven lord on the other end hung up with a snort.

Throwing himself back in the chair with a whine, Crow shook his head. "We have ten hours to fix this computer, get Lindsey off his power trip, the General in a better mood, the issues with Hos solved and now get to deal with a head cheese elf to explain Wild and Wonderful with Dor and Aragorn."

Servo scratched his arm with a screwdriver thoughtfully. "Wouldn't that be 'Hos with issues?'"

"Shuddup."

~*~*~

After the third beer of Lindsey's, Judy had taken to polishing her Louisville Slugger in plain sight, glaring at the lawyer with a suspicious eye. "Gerbils?"

Lindsey MacDonald nodded, forming words with the pretzels. "It makes perfect sense, after all. They made us run in useless circles all the time for kibble, why not make them do it for real?"

"Ooookay. Normally I don't check for absinthe in the drafts, but this time..."

~*~*~

"Dor, I think this is a patch of Poison Oak."

Glancing up over the bush to stare at the lake, ogling it for a twilight swim, Dorotea laughed. "Nonsense. Your adept ranger skills would have senses it miles away and kept us from danger."

Aragorn frowned, staring at the tri-leaf branches unhappily. Ooh, if she asked for a roll in this, he'd be itching for weeks. "It's a plant, not an Orc, and you were the one who told me that this was more... romantic a path to take."

"Actually, I'm gunning for the lake."

"The one with the Ring. The one that Kendra looms over like a shadow."

Dor grinned. "One and the same. As long as the General's busy tending to her issues, we've got an all clear with the water. And don't worry about the nasty ring." She ran a hand through his dark, slightly unkempt hair. "We'll leave it alone for someone else and play water footsie."

Wincing as Dorotea pushed aside a branch of Poison Oak to take a final look for Water Hos, the Ranger sighed. As long as no one got a rash where it really counted, maybe it was worth it.

Dor's hand latched around his, dragging him through the bush towards the lake at breakneck speed.

And then again, it was still going to itch like crazy.

~*~*~

The General pounded on the door of his closet again. "Kendra, let me out this instant! I have othah matters to attend to, and if this is the choice for your appointment, I would prefer you join me!"

Leaning back in the chair, clicking through the EA files and pausing on the filed image of Legolas looking particularly dashing, Kendra tsked in the direction of the pounding. "This is my choice, General. I told you what I wanted, didn't I?"

"You need help, Kendra! Let me help you, my hands can be very therapeutic!"

Zooming in on the pointed ears sticking out from the long blonde hair, Kendra sighed. "Sorry, no. No funny farm for this Ho."

"Kendra!

Huffing and clicking off the picture, she rocked forward in the chair, stood up and waved towards the closet door. "Issues my ass."

In the dark of the closet, ducking an empty hanger as it swung near his ear, the General shook his head. Maybe he needed a vacation as well... just not on Alderaan.

~*~*~

"Julia, love?"

Julia regarded the elf with a half-smile. "Hmm?"

Legolas pursed a lip listening beyond the limits of the little getaway. "Kendra's talking about me."

Jumping up and throwing a sheet around herself to dash to a window, half expecting the other Ho to be standing underneath them with surveillance equipment, she growled. No one was in sight. Maybe Elven senses weren't such a good thing. "How do you feel about earplugs?"

~*~*~

"It itches."

"What itches?"

Aragorn coughed, paddling away from the eager hands of Dorotea. "IT itches."

"That was just a bush..."

"...of poison oak. You just had to rip my clothes off, didn't you?"

She shrugged between a stroke of her arms, swimming closer to him. "You usually like it."

"And I usually like lakes. It itches, and so do my legs. And my hands, and now my face..."

Dor groaned and glanced over to the shore, ignoring the growing itch on her arms. "Yeah, I know, I'm a very 'hands on person.'"

"I've noticed. Is there any Aloe Vera around here?"

"No. Are you sure it itches?"

Aragorn regarded Dor with a stare and turned to swim for their clothes. "I shall put it this way: as long as it itches, I cannot allow any contact between us."

Mouth falling open, Dor pointed towards the admin building and the clinic, now digging fingernails into her elbow to get rid of the burning sensation. "In that case, get out the lake, Nature Boy."

~*~*~

Splayed out on a deck chair, a wide brimmed hat shading her eyes from the Alderaani sun, Shana was halfway to a nap when the cellphone next to her drink rang.

"Ah, for fook's sake."

A Cabana boy clad only in a thong walked behind her, making for the screaming device. "Milady, shall I answer it for you?"

"Nah, I got it."

Shrugging well-oiled, muscled shoulders, the bronzed man nodded and picked up the drink instead, heading to the resort's bar for a refill.

Picking up the phone and glancing down the beach, Shana kissed the last of her vacation goodbye. "Hello, this is a long-distance service of the I'monholidaygoaway service. If you'd like to leave a message wait for the vulgarities at the end."

"Hey."

"Oh, Em. What's up?"

"You're going back to HSU?"

Waving at the Cabana boy as he set the refilled drink down, Shana laughed darkly. "I'm too bored, and I miss how Judy makes the drinks. Any messages you want passed along?"

"Sure, tell the General he does know what he's missing, and he isn't getting it til I'm ready to accept anything from him."

"And the PR office?"

"Who said we needed PR?"

"Hmm. Valid point. Enjoy your endless holiday."

There was a "heh" muttered through the phone. "And enjoy your return to insanity."

"That's what credit lines were made for. Later."

"Did I miss something?"

Glancing up as she tossed the phone back on the table, Shana shrugged as Scott came strolling back onto the beach, the ill-hidden manual to native Alderaani fighters tucked in his towel. "Not really. Ready to go yet?"

He leaned over the chair and snagged a kiss, playing on the good mood of the OSA Director. "Have you thought about adding more non-land vehicles to HSU's garage?"

"Yes; no, we're not."

"But..."

"Though I heard that the bike might be gone for good this time. Kendra took it out."

The mutant groaned. "Kendra wrecked it?"

"Maybe. Wanna use Chuck X's money to replace it?"

There was a pause. "The professor'd be upset over that kind of misuse."

"Oh, and the three thousand dollars you dropped in the Armani store won't irritate roller boy."

"Actually, that was you forging his signature."

"Bygones," Shana flitted her hand in the air and sipped at her drink. "So, new bike."

"Actually, I was thinking of an air vehicle."

"Bike."

"Model B-76 two wing Alderaan Interceptor with enough fire power to level a small city."

"Motorcycle; or car, if four wheels isn't too emasculating."

Scott blanched, eyes narrowing behind the glasses. "I'd use it to blow the WC off the map."

Lowering her sunglasses and peering out from under the hat brim, Shana pondered the image. Someone else's campus getting wrecked by an efficient use of firepower? It had potential. "I'll think about it. And in the interim?"

Scott sat down in the empty deck chair, pondering his answer carefully. There were certain things he knew he could get away with at HSU, cloistering half the odd habits-- apparently being a 'grease monkey' was useful on the sex merits only after one showered-- in testosterone.

Didn't keep him out of trouble, though.

"Hmm..."

"Spit it out, Boy Scout."

"1972 Stingray. Maroon, black interior. Custom street rod engine."

Shana arched an eyebrow. "You've seen 'Fast and the Furious' too many times."

"Think about the extra space the Z3 doesn't have... in the back seat."

Precisely three seconds later and a whole host of censored imagery later, she nodded. "We'll go shopping for one when we get back."

~*~*~

Holding the chocolate syrup bottle aloft, Cic's head snapped up from its preoccupation, eyes aimed at the locked clinic door.

The Nurse grabbed a male arm and hauled him roughly back towards the exam table. "Ignore them."

"Daaaaaaarrrryyyy, I know you're in there boinking your servant husband, but I neeeeeeeeed calamine lotion!"

"Tha' was Lady Dorotea," Cicero managed, nearly falling to the floor as he scrambled for balance.

"Let her woodsman find a tree remedy for her, we're busy."

"Daaaarrryy..."

"No. They know the clinic hours. 12:30 to 12:40, once a week."

Dorotea grit her teeth, rubbing her back on the door frame. "I have a rash, and so does Aragorn! It's everywhere AND there. I know you're in there, Nurse..."

Pulling Cic back to full attention, Darry shook her head. "We're not open."

"Darry... don't make me open this door with a spell..."

Leaping off the exam table-- sending Cicero onto the floor in a startled heap-- and running for the medicine cabinet, Darry grabbed the largest bottle of calamine lotion she had, made for the clinic door, cracked it open a hair and tossed the bottle out. Slamming the door behind her and noticing the Servant standing and watching her with interest, she called out to the hall. "Rub it all over, just spare us the video."

Aragorn staggered back from the impact of an 18 ounce plastic bottle hitting him in the forehead.

Cicero smiled wolfishly and dived for the Nurse.

~*~*~

"Okay, Crow, I'll be gone for a few weeks. If anyone calls for me, give them the number to the penthouse suite at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. If someone wants vengeance on the Evil!Hand, tell them to refer complaints to So What, care of Piss Off, Estrogen County... Crow?"

Lindsey paused in the middle of the room, glancing to the usually occupied desk, half the parts to Lola spread out on the oak surface like an autopsy.

"Crow?"

"I'm so dead. She'll get back in six hours and turn me into a blender. And then she'll let Incitatus use me for a chew toy."

The tiger glanced up from its nap on the 19th century fainting couch.

Walking to look under the desk, pushing the chair aside, Lindsey blinked. "Any reason you're hiding under here?"

"Servo got a call from that tramp of a ship, Rommie, and is currently cybering with her into a happy bliss. He left me here to my final act as a living Robot. So, how's the hand, Sinatra?"

"Rommie?"

"Oh, please. Andromeda Ascendant. That big stupid ship with three personalities, and Kevin Sorbo."

The lawyer stepped away, Crow crawling out with a resigned sigh. "Now I'm confused. He's cybering Kevin Sorbo?"

"Ew, no. Not everyone here has sick obsessions with Romans or half- naked, over muscled goobers."

"And with that, I'll be going. Thanks for the going away image, Crow."

Crow settled into the chair and scooted it back to the desk, pushing the dismembered modem around. "Where are you going, anyways, not that I care?"

"I'm turning Wolfram and Hart into gerbils-- I borrowed one of Dor's spellbooks."

"And the elf guy? You're leaving ME to deal with him?"

"What elf guy? The blonde one?"

"No, the one who could get up all express tickets to Mount Doom."

"Ah, no clue. Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree. Or treehouse, as the case may be."

"Thanks, so much help. Go away now."

"Enjoy fixing the computer."

"Enjoy rendering an office of lawyers into rodents."

Lindsey grinned. "Oh, I will."

Crow waited for the lawyer to close the door to the inner office and picked up the phone, dialing. "Yeah, hello, is this Dell? I need to place an order... yeah, got the expense account number right here..."

~*~*~

Walking up the ramp of the chartered ship-- it had taken three hours to convince Scott that he could NOT pilot it-- with her purse and a cup of mocha, Shana glanced at the surroundings. Not bad for a transport home, and it would fit all the additions to her wardrobe.

Staggering under the weight of a chest laden with Spring-ready styles fresh from the exclusive Alderaani clothiers, Scott shook the hair out of his view. "Um, luv, wanna lend a hand?"

Casting a look back, she shrugged. "You seem to be doing okay by yourself."

Crossing through the cargo bay and towards the cockpit, ignoring the layer of dust along the sides, peering around the corner for a sign of her pilot, she let her jaw fall open.

"Han?!"

Flashing a cocky grin and spinning in his chair, Han Solo looked down at himself. "Last time I checked. You the only one this time?"

Hearing the crash in the cargo hold and rolling her eyes, she held out her hands. "Only Ho, anyways. What are you doing here? I specifically hired some guy the Alderaan Diamonds Council uses."

"Oh," there was a casual lay of his hand on the blaster at his hip, "he changed his mind when I told him about the contract I have with the lot of you. And I owe Ellie and Chewey a visit."

"Oh, yeah, the mega-Ewok that can unlock my greenhouse. The fuzzball's fine."

"And the Falcon?"

"In for repairs with Lando. Something about getting the syrup out of the controls."

"Gee, I wonder how that happened."

"Heh, I know how. Well, strap in, we've got a schedule here. Your Boy need a hand back there?"

Casting a glance behind her, Shana shook her head. "I'll check on him after he gets the chest off his toes."

"Business as usual at HSU," Han said drolly.

~*~*~

Staring at the phone on the table in front of him again, ignoring the sharp glare of the female elf from across the room, Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell, master of the peaceful land and confident in his role, was not happy.

"Call again."

"Forget it, Arwen, I've left my message, it would be rude to contact that strange secretary again."

"Faaaather..."

"I know their disappearances are mysterious, but I will NOT stoop that low. I am Elrond. I do not do that."

"Men!" Arwen rolled her eyes and stalked out of the room.

Rubbing his temples and closing his eyes, ignoring the headache, he spent the next few minutes planning his next move. He simply would not irritate his only source of information, but the disappearance of Aragorn and Legolas was getting worrisome.

Where had they gone off to that would predicate a lack of contact, anyways?

After all, what could distract them from their former lives?

He shook his head and pushed the phone out of his reach. He would wait to call again. They would come to their senses, realise that they were missed, and contact him themselves.

And then maybe Gandalf would surface again, the old coot.

~*~*~

Ellie looked up from her computer screen and blinked away the DNA double helix permanently etched on her eyeballs.

The strands turned and spun on her monitor awaiting another command from the keyboard. All this genetic manipulation and research was beginning to have its toll on the scientist.

Ellie stretched and took a deep breath, then removed her Ralph Lauren specs and lit a cigarette. She really shouldn't be smoking in the lab but she wasn't working on anything that *really* needed a clean room. After Dor and Aragorn's little incident with the poison oak she had taken time off from her work on vaccinations to work on a cure or at least a better treatment for poison oak. She's always been immune so she'd taken some tissue samples from herself then centrifuged out some nuclei from a poison oak leaf. She was having excellent results so far. Maybe Dor would be so grateful that she's share Aragorn. Nah, she didn't really think she would, but she'd enjoy spreading the lotion as soon as she finished the mixture. She'd not cross the lines like her former roomie, she-with-numerous- issues tended to do with the pointy eared elf.

The vet's cell phone rang suddenly, bringing her out of her thoughts.

"You got me," Ellie said flatly into the phone.

"Hey, El, Mistress of Paperwork here," Shana started into the phone.

"Oh, hey, about all those EA forms. I've been meaning to get all that stuff filed—"

"That's not why I'm calling. Just wanted to let you talk to a friend of mine. He's right here. Hold on a sec." Shana grinned evilly as she handed her cell phone across the rented ship's lounge to Han. She so did love to tease the other Ho's. Especially the less vengeful like the veterinarian. She had that cool purple lightning from the Nurse and she never abused it. What a waste. Scott just shrugged is shoulders from his place behind his laptop and probably rolled his eyes from behind red quartz sunglasses could she have seen them. He didn't understand some of the things Ho's did sometimes. Even if he was a mutant and had been on the campus a record while.

"El, long time," Han said huskily into the mobile. On the other end, halfway across the galaxy a Ho almost thudded.

"H-H-Han," Ellie stammered then collected herself, willing herself not to let on to a man how much she wanted him. She cleared her throat and continued. "I expected you earlier. I sent notice to you weeks ago. I see you found the Ho's on Alderaan before their prior contact did."

"Yeah, surprised this one pretty good. Though the haughty one wasn't interested in coming back with us. Gave me a good few minutes of complaining before I could tell her I didn't care. Still didn't stop her."

"Figures. Emmy seems to think everyone wants to listen to her talk about her troubles with the General. Well, you're not going back for her when she finally figures out she can't go without General boinkage any longer."

"You got it, boss. Can you break away from these other two losers for a while and take a trip with me to see Lando and get the Falcon."

"Now, Han, don't be all jealous about Indy and Logan. You've all gotten along before. Just get your cute scruffy butt here pronto. Put Shana on."

"Yeah," the travel lagged Ho said.

"Bitch."

Both Ho's giggled, enjoying the baiting. Shana knew baiting Ellie about Han would get a quick rise out of her and Ellie knew that Shana was one of the few Ho's that would actually abide by EA and EF rules.

"Have fun with your computer when you get back," Ellie added then broke the connection by transferring her office to collect her messages from Crow. She knew that alluding to the bots and her computer and trouble would get the OSA Director's panties in a twist.

~*~*~

"So let me get this straight," Judy started, "you want motor oil and WHAT?"

Crow leveled ping-pong eyes with the Ho bartender's. "And absinthe. Load me up, I intend to be dancing with pink Dumbos and the Seven Dwarves by the time the boss gets back."

She shook her head. "Absinthe."

"The glowy green stuff. Heck, if Mr. Clean will work, serve that up instead. Get me royally, bloody, blissfully pissed, oh great mistress of the ale tap."

Eyeing the bat perched serenely on the back shelf of the bar, Judy gave the Bot a final, disturbed look and dug for the key to the absinthe cabinet. "Fine, okay, but make someone else get the motor oil. Do I look like a Jiffy Lube to you?"

~*~*~

Clicking off the cell phone and dropping it back in her purse, Shana stretched back out in the transport's guest lounge couch. "Wow, so the Evil!Hand's finally doing something about it."

Working past the third level of Diablo II, Scott glanced up form the laptop. "Hmm? What's he doing?"

"Turning Wolfram and Hart into gerbils. I thought he was joking, or maybe inhaling too much of those white-out fumes."

"Dor's spell?"

"Eh," the Ho shrugged and tugged down the edge of the black silk blouse, "probably. They may not turn into gerbils, but at least they'll be some kind of strange animal that can't sign subpoenas. Hmm, wonder if he can filch the expense account information before he lays low-- erm, goes on vacation."

"Wait," hitting pause on the game, the mutant hesitated. "So you're cornering not only the Xavier Foundation, but also the Swiss accounts of a demon run law office?"

"Not just for me," she flitted her hand in the air deferentially, "the school. HSU. Gotta keep it up and running properly, you know. Ho's to wardrobe, buildings to refurbish and well, re-build, shoes to be bought, so on."

"So you're ignoring the Offworld accounts, the diamond minds, the Powerball scheme, the partial ownership of Microsoft, stocks in more companies than states, tuition from the new students AND the royalties coming in from licensing and selling those videos of the library and clinic?"

Pushing the sunglasses off her eyes, Shana arched an eyebrow. "Royalties?"

"I heard they made a killing on E-Bay with the first set." "Hmm. And no, I'm not ignoring that list, Mister I-don't-have-a-head-for- finances, just enhancing it. You want that Stingray, riiight?"

Scott unpaused the game and went back to blowing things up. "Good point. Carry on, megalomaniac."

~*~*~

Servo had just signed off from the cyber-session with Rommie-- third time in the day, they must've been in a real boring part of space-- when the door to the Dean's office banged open.

Cal, panting and dragging a three-wheeled wagon behind him, sparks dancing dangerously near to designer fabrics, waved his free hand frantically. "I have a problem!"

Servo hooked a pen towards the hall. "The recently revived and occasionally musical mediator's office is a few doors down. Whine there."

"But I need the Dean!"

"Not here, skippy. Leave a message and I may not give it to Lasher for a toy. Well, wait, that might be cruelty to Lasher. Hmm."

"Buuuuuuuuuuuuut!"

The Bot sighed and set down the pen, putting aside his "to do" list temporarily. Killing Cal would be the next item on it for certain. "So, then, in that case, what can I do for you?"

"I got my license to be a preacher taken away!"

"And you found this out how? Did God come down and take your cute widdle wagon's fourth wheel away and stomp on it, then kick you out? Or was it something you actually did?"

"No, it was a paperwork error. Seems the renewal was due a few months after I first got it," Cal scratched his head, "and the OSA office never filed it for me."

"Did you actually give it to them?"

"Yes, the gold robot said it'd be on the top of his list."

Servo stifled a laugh. He had seen that list-- Crow had mailed it off to David Letterman as a suggestion for the "top 10 ways to stop dating." "Sorry, must be somewhere in the works, and will surface eventually. In the meantime, though, go away."

"No, that's not why I came in."

"Felt the need to make someone look more superior on the evolutionary ladder?"

"No."

The Bot sighed and shrugged. "Then what?"

"Since I'm not busy with marriages and spiritual counseling anymore, I thought I could fill that PR job that everyone's talking about."

Pausing, waiting for a punchline, Servo opened his mouth to outright refuse Cal, but stopped. There was an easier way to handle this.

So he broke into hysterical laughter.

~*~*~

"Hmm, Shana?"

Opening her eyes, growling over the interruption of a perfectly good dream of General and nutella, the Ho glanced over to the mutant still playing on the laptop. "Yeees?"

"You do realize it's nearly tax time, right?" There was a pause as she blinked. Oh, yeah, taxes. Accountability. Actual work. "Hadn't occurred to me, but thanks for the volunteer of my quality shopping time."

"You could always hire an accountant to do it. Or, I hear Warren does his by hand to better write off deductions."

Closing her eyes, Shana sighed. "Warren... ?"

"Mutant, wings, rich, lives in Manhattan."

"Rich?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How rich?" Scott hesitated. Maybe mentioning old schoolmates was a bad idea, after all. "Fortune 500?"

"Hmm."

"Shana?"

"You won't EA him, right? I mean, wings. They're... different. Hard to uh, move around with."

The Ho lifted her head up enough to look across the lounge. "And this is coming from personal experience?"

"NO-- no. Stories. Told in third person. Not by me. Not like that, nope, not me. Confirmed het type manly man with nooo inclinations."

"Huh." She shrugged and got comfortable again. "Too bad, could have been entertaining."

The laptop nearly got dumped on the floor. "What?!"

She snorted. "That's what you get for reminding me about taxes."

~*~*~

"No, dear, I think the deck is looovely. That raised area for a private spa is a wonderful idea if you install a lock so it's not occupied 24/7 by Kendra."

The Mastah nodded thoughtfully. "I had considered creating a Force barrier, actually."

"Effective and requires less building. Wonderful!" Dandie nodded happily, savoring the view the future spa would offer. Lake, forest... crying Cal and a three-wheeled wagon being dragged behind him.

"On the other hand, perhaps we should build an actual physical wall and then Force barrier it." Qui-Gon watched the staggering, crying figure make his way halfway across the lawn, trip on the leg of a sunbathing Ho and go flying face first into the ground. Spitting the grass out of his mouth as he got up, he squealed as Sere picked him up by the scruff and flung him-- flailing duck style-- into the lake.

To which Kendra came screaming out of the admin building with a crossbow three seconds later.

"Yes, and perhaps wishpuff could hang some chintz curtains as well to shield us from... that."

Dandie cleared her throat as not to betray the amused horror over Kendra threatening a drenched Padawannabe with a loaded weapon. "For privacy, of course."

"Of course."

~*~*~

Ellie winced as she watched several pieces of luggage cause bodily harm to the mutant for the umpteenth time since they'd disembarked the ship. Han smirked and swaggered up to the former EA Director.

"Miss me?"

Ellie almost started purring as the smuggler approached her and moved into her personal space. "Yes, it's been too long. You know, I've already filed all the necessary paperwork and you've got a permanent position here as pilot." Her voice got quieter and quieter as she tried relaying the logistics to Han. As if any of it mattered anymore. Ellie wanted him and he wanted her. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Yeah, Chewie said something about all that last time we talked," Han whispered just before he claimed the Ho's mouth with his.

Shana sighed as she saw the two already going at it, then flipped her hair as she passed Scott struggling. "Hurry up, lover, or I'll tell Logan you're getting soft." She didn't really mean it, but she knew how good the sex got when she threatened him with Logan remarks.

~*~*~

"I guess that means the gambler slash pilot slash scoundrel slash good guy has arrived," Logan growled sarcastically as Ellie and Han whisked by them headed for the bedroom.

Dr. Jones barely looked up from his term papers he was grading. "Give them a few go's by themselves, then we're going in," he said absentmindedly as Logan nodded. They didn't share their Ho completely. They been able to work things out amongst the three of them, they'd figure it out with four.

"Think this new guy looks kinda like you?" Logan muttered, Indiana looking up quickly and locking looks with him.

"Nah!" Both men agreed in unison and closing the subject.

McCoy darted by a moment later, fleeing the noise originating from the back suite.

A few moments later the mutant and the archaeologist arose and headed back to contribute to the noise.

~*~*~

Rifling through the mail that had come in since she had been on holiday, Incitatus napping on her feet, Shana looked up as Crow came carefully into the inner office. "Crow, so how was this place while I didn't care?"

Tossing aside the last evidence of Lola trapped in his beak, the Bot avoided meeting Ho eyes. "Weeeeelll, not bad. Had some incidents, but I took care of them. Lindsey told you that he was going to LA?"

"Yeah," clicking on the mouse and checking the user log, noticing the file for the payroll papers, she nodded, "getting even with his old bosses and cohorts. More power to him, I say. And it gives me a chance to change all the lock combinations. Hey, how do you feel about a floor safe in your basement room? Fireproof, laden with geekdom, he'd never think to look there for the vital stuff."

"Only if it's not under my Kim Cattrall collection."

Shana stuck out her tongue. "If I won't touch it, my files aren't going underneath it." "Works for me."

"Oh, and boss?"

"Yes?"

"Nice to have you back." Crow backed towards the door. "And while you are, enjoy these waning moments of peace."

The OSA Director set down the 1099s from Microsoft and looked at her secretary warily. "Crow..."

"You have a visitor. I'll send him in. Good luck."

Watching the Bot dash for the safety of his desk, Shana shook her head. "I swear, sometimes I wonder why I even try to run a normal office around here."

"If this is a normal office, I would be concerned. Your servant seems to be a little excitable."

Grabbing the letter opener and going for the expense reports on Offworld, she nodded. "Yeah, that's Crow for ya. If he's not breaking something, he's on the computer. If he's not doing that, he's watching a Kim Catrrall mo-- oh... my... "

Standing serenely in the middle of the inner office, observing the lush fabrics that blocked the sunlight from the room in a damask expensive enough to feed a Hobbit for a month-- no small expense, that-- and the owner of the room's gape as she stared at him, Elrond smiled gamely. "Movie, yes, he mentioned that. Offered to show me her with pointed ears. Is he some sort of matchmaker?"

Shana swallowed, blinking dumbly. Clad head to toe in earthtone velvets, the long brown hair cascading in delicate braids down to his back-- really playing on the long hair fetish the Ho had-- that framed the pale face and dark eyes elegantly, he was...

He was distracting the hell out of her. Slapping herself and suddenly grateful there was no Evil!Hand to preserve the moment of embarrassment, she coughed. "No, just one of many busybodies here. Can I do you-- er, do something for you?"

The smile remained, damn him. "I was looking for a few people. An elf and a Ranger. Your... the creature that mans your phone told me that you were coming back and to ask then in person."

Shana growled in the direction of the front office. "Oh, I'll kill you Crow..."

"Don't kill him," the elf started, silently crossing the Persian rug, "that'd be unnecessarily violent. Now, do you know where my people are, by chance?"

"Never heard of them. Um, would you mind backing off a little, I'm starting to have my own issues."

Elrond frowned. "Issues."

"Of the EA variety." She flitted her hands at him. "No, keep backing up, little more... okay, now I can stop upping my ungratefulness. Elf and ranger."

"Elf and ranger."

"Legolas and Aragorn."

Rivendell's lord and leader nodded. "Yes, exactly. Are they here?"

Pondering her options, nudging the tiger off her toes as they started to fall asleep, the Paperwork mistress flashed a miserable grin. "And you're trying to bring them home..."

"If they wish."

"Ah, oh. Oh! Then yes, they're here."

"In that case," the robes swished as he turned, "I shall go see them and tell them how they're missed."

Eyes widening as the elf started for the hall, Shana leapt up from her desk, vaulted past the fainting couch and skidded to a stop just in the arch of the inner door. "No, no, they're fine. Um, busy. Very busy, I'll arrange... appointments. Procedure and that. Yeah."

Staring at the Ho suddenly blocking his way and how she seemed to be sizing him up like a meal, Elrond shook his head. "This is a strange land, but I'll obey your wishes."

Clearing her throat, Shana shook her head adamantly. "No, they'll be no obeying me, that'd... how 'bout I arrange a room here for you to stay in? Preferably far away from me. So I wouldn't wake you with, uh... you know, that obeying thing. Bad idea. Really. Go have Crow check for arrangements, he'll set you up with a good lay-- uh, flat."

Watching the Ho step back and bite her lip hard enough to nearly draw blood, Elrond nodded. This was a *really* strange land. "Thank you. I'll check in with you regarding those appointments."

"Sure. Great. Will be here."

Waiting until the tall elf left, closing the inner door with a breath of relief, Shana slid down to the floor, waited for the sense of doom to pass and stood. Petting the confused tiger as he watched his mistress with concern, she plopped into her chair and rubbed her temples.

Crow's voice filtered through the intercom. "Boss?"

"Yes, pasta strainer?"

"Need an EA form?"

She paused for a second, then snorted. "Shuddup, Crow. I'm fine."

His laughter was cut off as he turned of the 'com.

Incitatus rubbed his head along her dangling hand.

"I know, and no, I won't. But I do need a drink. Damn. Thank God I didn't take out an EA app-- or a permanent one anyways-- on the Evil! Hand, or I'd be contending with Dor for harem numbers." She pursed a lip, picking up the phone on impulse. "Yeah, Scott, free up your evening... no I don't care about basketball or how much it influences your life... General's busy, probably still locked in a closet... two words: frustrated Ho... good man, see ya then."

~*~*~

In the EA office an alarm sounded and a fax machine connected to such with automatic instructions sent off EA and EF forms to the Student Affairs office.

In the lake a ring glittered underneath 30 feet of water.

In the pub, Judy led the recently released General into another closet.

Out on the rugby pitch Cal tugged on his wagon too hard turning it over on its side. Sitting down next to it he started sobbing.

In the vet clinic, well, we all know what's happening there.

And in a spare room somewhere in the administration building Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, furrowed his brow as he struggled to concentrate between worrying of his comrades and thinking of the glorious creature he had encountered to help him.

~*~*~

fin