Title: HSU - One Ho to Rule Them All?
Author: Emmy
Rating: UO (Uh-oh)
Notes: This takes place before, during, and after Jael's fic (just archive it after hers) and separate from Dande & Dor's fic with a couple tiny little references to what they wrote. The battle sort of slipped away from me, so I didn't write too much about it.

The General stared at the Citibank bill in his hand, eyes growing wider, mouth falling open. His entire office began to close in on him. The sound of Kendra banging the stapler on her desk to remove the jammed staples - along with all accompanying profanity - began to fade from his awareness until the only sound he heard was his own hyperventilation.

It was time to pay the holiday piper.

~*~

Emmy blinked at the sound of the manly scream coming from across the hall. She turned from her computer monitor where she was perusing the J Jill winter clearance sale. She rolled her chair to the side a bit and leaned over to look out her office door.

She listened.

She heard nothing further.

She shrugged.

She added the ultrasoft suede jacket to her shopping cart.

~*~

The General stormed out of his office, definitely needing an audience for this injustice, "There is obviously some mistake here! And if they think they're going to get away with this kind of piracy, they have another thing coming!" he exclaimed before turning around and marching back into his office.

"They're on your head, dear," Kendra absentmindedly replied as she stabbed the stapler with a letter opener.

"I know where my glasses are!" the General replied.

"Do I look like I wear your boots? Retrace your steps," Kendra muttered blankly, gripping the stapler with a big pair of pliers.

The General stared out his door and then sighed.

~*~
"Thank you for calling Citibank. Due to the recent holidays, all circuits are currently busy. Your call is very important to us. Please hold, and your call will be answered by our automated reception service in the order that it was received."

The General tapped his fingers on the desk as he was forced to listen to a hideous easy listening station.

And only twenty minutes later....

"For billing inquiries, please press one on your touchtone phone."

The General, quite please with his tenacity, smirked and pressed one.

"For personal accounts, please press one."

The General moved his index finger to press one.

"For corporate accounts, please press two."

The General left his finger hovering while he squinted at the bill.

"For a help menu, please press the pound sign."

"Kendra?"

"Please make your selection now."

"Love?"

"Please make your selection now."

"KENDRA??"

"WHAT?? I've got a staple emergency here!"

The General decided to press one.

"For individual accounts, please press one."

The General frowned. "I did press one."

"For joint, married accounts, please press two."

"Ah, I get it." The General almost pressed one.

"For joint, unmarried, co-habiting accounts, please press three."

The General frowned again.

"For joint, unmarried, non-co-habiting but familial accounts, please press four."

The General scratched his head.

"If you are the parent of a child with a card in your name, please press five."

"Alright, so it's eithah...three or...um...."

"Please make your selection now."

"Alright, give me a moment to think," the General said.

"Please make your selection now."

The general stared at the keypad.

"Please make your selection now."

"Ah, the help menu," the General said, pressing the pound key.

"I'm sorry, that is not a valid selection."

"WHAT? You said to press pound for help!" The General pressed pound again.

"To speak to a representative, please press one."

"Finally!" the General said, pressing one.

"Thank you for calling Citibank. Due to the recent holidays, all circuits are currently busy--"

"You can't do this to me!!" the General yelled, jamming down the pound key five times.

"Wenn sie mit einem kunden sprechen möchten, warten sie vertretend, wählt bitte ein."

"I don't speak GERMAN!!" the General shouted into the phone, pounding his fist on all the keys.

And then the line went dead.

The General threw the receiver down on the desk, stood up with a fury, grabbed his lightsabre, and bashed the phone into tiny pieces with the hilt as he angrily growled. Once he was quite satisfied that the phone had suffered to the greatest extent possible, he slumped back in his chair and clenched his hair in his grasp.

"Bourbon? How am I supposed to know what happened to your bourbon?" Kendra asked from her desk in the outer office, oblivious and equally nonplussed as she bit her lip while trying to fish out the last jammed staple with the end of a paperclip. "And since when do you drink bourbon?"

The General sighed and rubbed his face.

"And why is the line dead?? How am I supposed to call for a stapler replacement with a dead phone line?" Kendra asked, finally appearing in the General's doorway. Her eyebrows raised as she observed the various phone components all over the General's desk and floor. Then she crossed her arms. "I am not cleaning that up."

~*~

"Precious," Cal sighed in a most gross and icky manner as he clutched the ring in his fist. "My precious," he purred in a way that would cause every resident of HSU to be struck with the most violent illness of their lives.

And then, Cal being Cal, he tripped over a rock and fell splat on his face, his fist springing open and the ring splashing into a puddle at the bottom of the cave.

"Ow," Cal moaned, scraped as he was from falling on the rocks.

And then clarity - well, clarity for Cal - began to come over him.

"Where am I?" he whined, glancing around into the darkness of the cave.

And then he began to snivel. "Is...is anybody there?" he asked, hoping that no one would answer.

Then a drop of water fell from the top of the cave into the puddle next to him with a resounding plop.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Cal girlie screamed, scrambling up from the rocks and running out of the cave.

~*~

Hearing a faint echo of a scream as she ran toward the bedroom with a fresh bottle of chocolate syrup in hand, Darry paused.

(She, of course, would have made Cic get the syrup bottle, but he was temporarily unable to free himself from the bed. You get the picture.)

Darry then turned and hurried toward her front door, making sure all locks, alarms, and booby traps were activated.

Because a scream like that probably meant that somebody was injured, and, well, she didn't have time for that sort of thing right then.

Satisfied at the impenetrability of her security system, the Nurse swiftly retreated to her bedroom for other more interesting and penetrable exercises.

~*~

"It's a funny thing, really," Dande replied in a chipper voice in answer to the Diva's crossed arms, arched brow, and tapping clunky shoe. Dande stood from her desk chair as it became obvious that humor was not going to work. She motioned to the overstuffed chintz chair that faced her desk. "Please have a seat, dolly. I have cookies."

"Why is there still an elephant on my campus?" the Diva asked through gritted teeth while remaining standing.

"Chocolate chip?" Dande said, holding up a plate.

Emmy sighed and took a cookie. "Fine," she said, flopping down into the chair.

Dande smiled.

"Now explained to me how you're going to get this pacaderm off the campus grounds."

"Em, the King is very fond of his elephant," Dande explained.

"I don't care!"

"I know."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Of course not."

"Have you *ever* known me to care what any man besides the General wants to happen around here??"

Dande blinked. "Well, there were a couple times when--"

"Besides those few times when I exhibited complete and utter lack of judgment?" Emmy interjected. "And you're not even boinking the King of Siam, so you have no good excuse for justifying his elephant."

"Well, you see, it's like this," Dande said, folding her hands on her desk. "He's very alpha."

"So. Am. I."

"Of course you are, and--"

"MISS LAAAUUURREEEEEEE!!!!! HEEEEEELLP MEEEEEEEE!"

Emmy and Dande both sighed and rolled their eyes as Cal's shrieking echoed in the hall.

"THE GENERAL'S ELEPHANT HAS COME TO LIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!! I SAW IT WALKING IN THE GAAAARRRRRDEEEEENNNN!!!"

Emmy cocked her head and looked at the Wench. "You see?"

Dande sighed. "Why do we keep him here?"

"We wouldn't be able to throw things at anyone else and get away with it," Emmy said. "But you're not off the hook. There are giant piles of elephant shit all over campus. We can't have this."

"I know, I know," Dande said. "I'll think of something."

"Have Dor turn it into a horse or something," Emmy said.

The Wench gave her a dubious look. "Emmy, you realize it could end up looking like something out of Dr. Seuss."

The Diva shrugged. "It would be interesting."

~*~

Laure sighed. "Yeah?" she mumbled as her head rested on her desk, her cheek squishing against the wood as she gazed longingly out the window.

"And and and...and then, it it it it...it stepped over a bush and and and and," Cal sniveled.

Laure rolled her head so now her forehead was resting against the desk. "Cal"

"Wha wha wha wha what?"

Laure sat up. She gently repositioned her forearms on the desk. She took a deep breath. "The General's elephant has not come to life. What you saw was a real elephant owned by someone else entirely."

"R-r-r-r-really?"

"Yes, really," Laure replied calmly.

"But but but but what sh-sh-should I do if if if I s-s-see the the the ele-ele-ele-elephant again?"

"Grab a shovel," Laure said.

"Wha wha wha what?"

"Grab a shovel and clean up its shit," Laure said, sounding unnervingly calm.

But Cal was too stupid to notice. "Whyyyyy?"

"Because that's your job, Cal! You think I want to clean up elephant shit? No! So you will grab a shovel, and clean it up! Got it?" Laure snapped, her voice growing louder.

Cal's lip began to quiver.

Laure took a deep a breath. "Cal, I cannot mediate between you and an elephant. Just do your job and...just...just go!"

Cal stumbled against Laure's desk and then ran out the door.

"Well done."

"Oh shut up," Laure said, giving Spike a deadly glare. "I'm just a little rusty, I'll get my focus back before too long."

Spike smirked as he lounged in the doorway. "How about we work off some of that tension?"

"Is that *all* you think about?"

"Well yeah," Spike said. "I can't kill people, what else am I supposed to do?"

"Right, I knew there was a reason I brought you here."

~*~

From beyond the borders of Estrogen County, the ring called to them from its hiding place deep within a cave overgrown by shrubbery with a Cal-shaped hole in the middle.

Through the dark forests they journeyed on, their only goal to find the ring and return it to their Dark King.

With them they brought an army of Orcs to aid in the battle.

For no one, not even the darkest powers of Mordor, would dare take on a battalion from Estrogen County unaided. While the legend of Queen Gettalay had nearly vanished through the ages, the strength of her land had not.

Well that and supposedly evil guys living alone in dark castles were almost always skeered of girls.

~*~

Julia walked with a quick step toward the archery field, knowing as she did how greedy certain Ho hands could be when it came to her EF.

When she rounded the corner and the field came into view, she saw....

Well, she wasn't sure what she saw.

Julia squinted and began to walk faster as she saw Legolas walking backwards in random patterns as he attempted to elude Kendra, who held some sort of...pink thing in her hand.

"Oh, if she's *even* trying to get Pink Banana products near him," Julia mumbled under her breath. "HEY!" she yelled, taking off in a dead run as Kendra lunged toward Legolas, the pink object moving closer to his ear.

"Oh c'mon, just once. Please!" Kendra could be heard saying as she darted forward again, brandishing her pink toy.

Legolas, for his part, remained wide-eyed, deflecting the pink thing with his arms as he continued to bolt away from Kendra.

"Yo! Water Empress! You're going to find yourself at the bottom of that beloved lake of yours!" Julia yelled as she got closer.

Kendra stopped for a moment and turned to look at her. "What??"

"And your gummy fish, too!"

Kendra gasped. "How dare you threaten my gummy fish!"

Julia came to a stop right in front of Kendra and swiftly grabbed the pink toy out of her hand. "How dare you try to molest *my* EF with Pink Banana products."

"Pphhtt."

"Don't 'pphhtt' me."

Kendra rolled her eyes. "That's not a Pink Banana product," she said defensively.

Julia glanced at the motorized toy in her hand, three pegs on its face gyrating in circles in a disturbing manner. "Explain. Or die."

Kendra huffed. "It's not a power tool, it's a Twist-A-Braid!"

Julia's mask of determination flinched only slightly. "Excuse me?"

"It's a Twist-A-Braid," Kendra repeated with frustration. "Look, I'll demonstrate," she said, waving for Legolas to come closer.

He simply shook his head and backed up again.

"I told you," Julia said. "No touching."

"But that's the beauty of this!" Kendra said. "I wouldn't have to touch him. See, he puts his hair in these little clips, I push the button, and voila! He's braided!"

"And you had no intention of touching him at all," Julia drawled skeptically.

"No, of course not," Kendra said. "I mean, there's always the possibility that I could accidentally on purpose brush him with my fingertips or HEY!" Kendra protested as Julia threw the Twist-A-Braid on the ground and stomped it into tiny pieces. "That was extremely uncalled for," Kendra said.

"Your gummy fish are gonna get it," Julia said, before turning away and marching toward Legolas. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

In an instant, Legolas had disappeared into the trees.

"Hello, McElf! You could have waited for me!" Julia called out after him.

~*~

Judy whistled as she polished her bar, mulling over ideas for some sort of invisible security system that would prohibit coaster-less glasses from even being set on the bar surface.

So far, she'd only come up with dead ends, but she was sure the solution would come to her eventually.

"You could always just lock the door and keep everyone out," the General said, closing the pub doors behind him and locking them securely.

Judy leered. "Are you getting into my head, Kenobi?"

The General swaggered over to the bartender. "You were projecting."

Judy bit her lip and gave him a smoky gaze. "What am I projecting now?"

The General grinned most wickedly. "Let me show you."

~*~

From deep within the cave, the ring caught the gentle current of an outflowing stream.

It wound its way through Commo's golf course, barely avoiding being lodged against the rocks by a wayward golf ball.

The ring then traveled down Kendra's waterfalls, bouncing noiselessly down the boulder face. From there it traveled steadily, past the edge of the forest, unnoticed by the occupants of the new treehouse, and then it flowed out to its original resting place.

The ring floated for a moment and then drifted down to the murky silt floor of Kendra's lake.

~*~
Part 2

"It's about time somebody listened to me," Jael huffed as she polished her sword, newly invigorated and ready for battle now that she'd convinced these wayward Ho's of their duty to battle the oncoming invasion. "Do you know *how* many times I've warned them about a situation such as this?"

"Yes dear," Max said, his attention drawn to scoping out the perimeter of campus with his new night vision binoculars.

"Time after time I've told them that we need to be training on a regular basis, that they need to be skilled in military defense and strategy."

"Yes dear."

"What, do they think I'm just some sort of nutjob who likes to swing my sword at people?"

"Yes dear."

Jael stopped polishing and gave Max the Look. "Excuse me?"

"Huh? What?" Max said, fumbling a tad with his night vision goggles once the tone of Jael's voice actually caught his attention.

Jael glared at Max.

Max looked from side to side, a few gathered soldiers snickering sympathetically. "Um. I'm sorry, what was it that you said?" he replied with a soft smile.

"Oh sure!" Jael quipped, attaching her sword to her hip. "You're ignoring me, too. That's just great," she said with a plasticky, nearly demonic smile before walking away.

Max sighed quite loudly and slumped his head forward.

~*~

"Obi-Wan."

"Mastah."

"I'm leaving, Wishpuff," Da Mastah called out behind him as he stepped through the front doorway of the cottage.

"Have a good battle, boys!" Dande replied. "I'll make you all a nice dinner!"

Da Mastah preened. It was good to be Da Mastah.

"Maximus reports that his army is ready," the General said as he and Qui-Gon stalked toward the rugby pitch.

"Obi-Wan?"

"Yes, Mastah?"

"What exactly are Orcs?"

"I've no idea, Mastah."

"Hmmph," Da Mastah replied. Then he gave the General a slight grin. "This should be fun."

The General chuckled, "Just like old times."

~*~

"Lasher!" the Diva yelled as her baby took off running out the backdoor of her townhouse and into the dark of night. "Crap," she muttered, stumbling as she jammed her boot on. Normally she wouldn't think twice about letting Lasher run around campus after dark, but with God only knew what marching through the woods, she couldn't leave him out there. From what Jael and Julia had reported, it sounded like something dire indeed.

"Lasher!" she called, hearing his barking in the distance. Emmy looked up as she heard the familiar flapping of Draco's wings. "Draco, go find him and tell him to get his butt back inside, would you?"

Draco snorted his agreement. He and Lasher were best friends after all, although he did acknowledge that his pal was rather foolhardy in some of his pursuits, not unlike his Mommy.

"Thanks," Emmy said as Draco sailed off into the distance. She waited impatiently as she listened to the dragon huffs and chatter and responding yips and barks. "C'mon, c'mon, I've got Commando duty here," she mumbled, tapping her foot.

Finally, Lasher suddenly appeared, blending as he did with the darkness until he was right in front of her.

"It's about time!" Emmy chided.

Lasher grinned and wagged his tail.

"Do you have any idea what's lurking out there in the woods?"

Lasher barked.

Draco snorted.

"Now, you *listen* to me when I talk to you. When I tell you to get your butt inside, you get your butt inside, got that?" Emmy scolded.

Lasher lowered his head a bit and offered big eyes.

"Don't try those doe eyes on me. I know better," Emmy replied.

Lasher cocked his head to the side and perked up his ear.

Draco chuckled only as a dragon could.

Emmy sighed, stepped forward, and kissed the top of his head while she scratched his ears. "Yes, you may have cookie. Now go," she said, pointing toward the door.

Lasher happily scurried back inside.

"You too, Draco."

Draco gave Emmy an incredulous huff.

"No arguments! If Dor hasn't gotten that protection spell down, you are not going to be flying around for those...whatever-they-are's to shoot at you."

With a pout, Draco slumped his wings and slowly drifted to the ground.

"And don't. You. Dare. Eat any of my boots or shoes. You can have cookies with Lasher, but that's it!"

Draco huffed again. He wasn't allowed to have any fun.

~*~

Having provided Draco and Lasher with a significant number of Milkbones and toys, Emmy made her way outside again. She knew she'd never hear the end of it for being late for the slaying party.

She hurried around the back of the building and toward the rugby pitch.

And then she stopped, sighing with irritation as she heard snorting behind her.

"Draco, I *told* you," she said, spinning around.

But there was no Draco. In fact, there was nothing.

"Ooookay," Emmy said. Then she froze, feeling a warm puff of exhalation on the back of her head. Placing her hand on the blaster in her thigh holster, she turned.

And saw a giant black horse with a shadowy figure mounted high above her.

Emmy blinked, not quite sure if this thing were friend or foe, but its stench indicated the latter.

"Who are you," Emmy said, low in her throat, looking into the black hood that covered the rider's head, unable to see a face.

The rider sat motionless.

The Diva stared back, eyebrow arching in an unmistakable "You want a piece o'me?" manner.

Then Emmy saw one lone feather slowly drift down before her eyes. She glared at the rider.

"Braaaaaaaaaawwwwwk," was the rider's response.

"Oh, I don't *think* so!" Emmy exclaimed, grabbing hold of the Chicken Wraith's robe and hauling its ass off the horse and down to the ground.

Suddenly a cold grip trapped Emmy's right wrist and she felt cold, invisible fingers trying to remove the Cartier ring the General had given her for her birthday.

"OH! Now you will die, you &$%@$ %&@#&!" the Diva growled.

Emmy yanked her arm away from the Wraith, stumbling back as it lost its strength. Out of nowhere, another black clad figure landed on the ground in front of her. Then the darkness was suddenly illuminated with a blue light.

"Bakaaaawwwwkkk!! BAAWWWKK!!" the Wraith shrieked as the General whooped its arse.

As rider and horse retreated into the distance, the General turned to face Emmy. "Are you alright?"

"I had everything perfectly under control," the Diva said, hands on her hips.

The General pouted ever so slightly.

The Diva laughed, grabbing him and giving him a big movie-style smooch. "Thanks for the rescue, handsome."

"Anytime," he grinned.

"Now, let's go kick some Orc butt," Emmy said, a devilish look in her eye.

"On one condition."

"What?"

This time the General grabbed the Diva and gave her a big movie-style smooch. "Promise me you'll wear leather more often," he purred.

"Welllllll," the Diva drawled, "okay," she added with a giggle.

"Alright, let's go," he said.

"Yay!" Emmy exclaimed, clapping her hands. She was the Alpha Ho, after all. Slaying campus invaders was always cause for jubilation.

~*~

"Okay, this is really lame," Dor said, watching men with swords, arrows, and a couple lightsabres combat the army of short and squatty Orcs.

"Uh, yeah," Shana said, checking her watch. "How long you think this is gonna last?"

"Guns? Where are their guns?" Jen Jen asked, twirling her blasters in her hands. "This is really boring without guns."

"I thought there'd be explosions and stuff," Tara said. "I mean, sure, it's fun to watch the guys swing their swords around."

"I could give a shit about *those* swords," Darry said, impatiently exhaling smoke straight up in the air as she held Cic's flannel robe tightly around her. "Why the fuck are we all standing out here in the cold anyway?" she snapped.

"You're the Nurse, remember?" Laure said.

"Oh, right."

"There might be an injury or...." Laure watched as Hak picked up two Orcs, one in each hand, and smashed their heads together. "Or not."

"Somebody remind me, why are we standing around in our Commando gear again?" Judy asked.

"Um, because Jael said so?" Kendra offered.

"And we agreed?" Judy replied.

"Yeah, it was something to do with mob mentality and alcohol," Emmy said. "I forget the exact details now."

"They seem to be doing just fine without us," Judy said.

"Should we help?" Shana asked. "Get this over with faster?"

"Yeah, but those Orcs really stink," Jen Jen said.

"And Kendra might start groping them," Tara said.

"EWWW! I would not!"

Just then Emmy's cell phone rang. The HSU and Orc forces all stopped momentarily and patted themselves down. "Mine!" Emmy yelled, grabbing the phone off her belt and waving it in the air.

The fighting resumed.

"Hello? Oh hey, Dande. No, it's not time yet. I'd say just keep everything in chafing dishes. I'm sure this won't last too long. Yeah, I'm sure they're hungry, but they're not being very quick about this. What was that? Oh. No, just Julia and Jael are actually participating, Julia's gotten really good with the archery business from the looks of her. And, you know, it's not like all these miners have been doing any work lately, so they might as well strain themselves. Better them than us. Besides, I think the General, Da Mastah, Max, and Jael could take out these Orc things by themselves. And Kendra might start groping the Orcs or something."

"I WOULD NOT!"

"Huh? Sorry, didn't hear that, Kendra was yelling about something or other. Oh? Hmm, yeah, you're right, it doesn't taste very good if it cooks too long, the noodles get too crunchy. Okay, in that case, we'll take care of it. See you soon. Bye bye."

The Diva replaced her Nokia on her belt.

"Okay, grrls, we gotta wrap this thing up," Emmy said. "Dande has several lasagnas in the oven, and they'll be done in about ten minutes. You know how lasagna gets if you bake it too long."

The other Ho's nodded in agreement.

"I have an idea for a spell," Dor said, turning to face everyone.

Then everyone groaned.

"What??"

But before anyone could answer, one of the HSUFD's ladder trucks came barreling across the field and crashed through the hedge maze, sirens blaring and lights flashing.

However, the fighting on the rugby pitch continued.

"TANNER!" Tara yelled into her radio, running toward the truck.

"Oh this is just great," Laure said. "What else is going to happen?"

And then the ground began to rumble and a loud shrieking noise could be heard as an elephant came running down the driveway with Cal flopping on its back.

"I had to ask," Laure said.

"MISS LAAAAUUUURRREEEEE!!!!" Cal screamed as the elephant charged toward the freeway.

"Whatever," Laure said.

"Fiddle dee dee, fiddle dee die," the Librarian said.

"Uh oh, what is she doing?" Shana asked as Dor began to make strange warding signs with her hands.

"NO! DOR!" Emmy yelled, clamping her hand over Dor's mouth.

"MMPH??"

"Do NOT say a spell with the word 'die' in it," Emmy said, removing her hand.

"But."

"NO!" the other Ho's yelled.

"You say 'die' around Cic ever again," Darry said, her fingertips sizzling purple.

"Okay, okay," Dor said.

"This is ridiculous," Kendra said. "I'm just going to start shooting."

"NO!"

"What??"

"It's dark," Shana said. "And they're all mushed up into one big squished fighting mess. You're likely to hit one of *our* guys."

Suddenly, music from nowhere began to fill the air, accompanied by the sound of a motorcycle engine.

"Don't worry, we'll handle this!" Ellie yelled from the sidecar of the motorcycle that Indy was driving toward the pitch as she waved her gun in the air.

"Terrific, I feel much more confident about this now," Emmy said.

"Ellie gets to shoot!" Kendra said. "That's not fair!"

"Wait, I know!" Dor said. "I'll shrink them."

"Are you out of your mind??" Darry said, waving her cigarette around to accentuate her pissy mood.

"No, I mean the Orcs! I'll shrink them real tiny like. The guys could just step on them."

"No. No way," Emmy said. "What happens if *our* guys shrink?"

"They won't, I *swear*, I've done this one tons of times before," Dor protested.

"When?" Laure asked, hands on her hips. "I've never seen any shrunken people."

"I do it to Xani all the time," Dor said. "Pelham has never shrunk."

"You shrink Xani?" Darry asked.

"Yeah," Dor said. "He doesn't even notice. The X Box control always shrinks with him, so...."

"Hey, teach me that one," Judy said. "Could come in handy at the pub."

The Ho's all looked at each other.

"Is it easily undone?" Shana asked.

"Yeah, no problem," Dor said.

"Fine."

"Go."

"Whatever."

"Do it."

"If you screw this up--"

"I *won't* screw it up!"

The Ho's watched very nervously as Dor performed her spell. A strange flash lit up the sky as she said the final words.

They waited.

And watched.

And waited.

"Nothing's happening," Jen Jen said.

"Wait, just give it a minute," Dor said.

"What, this is some time release spell?" Kendra asked.

And then they all watched in horror as each Orc grew ten feet.

"Shit!" the Librarian exclaimed.

"DOR!!"

"I just don't understand this," Dor said with disbelief.

The battle halted momentarily as the warriors tried to gain their bearings.

Emmy watched in horror as one gigantic Orc tried to take a swing at the General. "I don't think so!!" she yelled, running forward. "Hurry! Shoot them while they're big!"

Blaster fire exploded in the night sky as every Ho hit her mark.

"Um, how do I work this?" Laure asked, tentatively pulling out her blaster.

"Fuck if I know," Darry said, still standing back with her cigarette and watching the other crazy Ho's run off to battle. "Pull the trigger or something."

"Oh!" Laure jumped back a bit as a round shot from her gun. "Yeah, that worked." She turned to smile wickedly at Darry. "Kinda fun, too!" she said, before taking aim at a giant Orc.

"Whatever," Darry said, still keeping her eye on Cic, ready to purple lightning anyone who got too close to him, her fellow Ho's included.

~*~

Mere minutes later, every giant sized Orc lay flat out on the muddy ground as the Ho's congratulated themselves on a job well done.

"So, uh, how do we get rid of them now?" Emmy asked.

Dor shrugged. "I could try a vanishing spell."

"NO!!"

"What??"

The exchange was interrupted by the sound of a golf cart horn. Everyone turned around to see Commo driving his cart with several flat trailers in tow, each trailer carrying a buffet table full of food.

"Greetings, victorious warriors!" Commo said, waving to the gathered crowd as he stepped out of his cart and unfurled his royal robes. "I bring you a grand feast as thanks for defending my Empire. But first, I will allow each of you the honor of paying your respects," he enthused, walking toward them with his ring hand extended.

"So *that's* where the brave Emperor has been," Emmy smirked.

"Hey, better I give him something to do than leave him to think up something on his own," Laure said.

"Hello, everyone!" Dande said as she hurried outside right behind Commo and the buffet tables. "You were all so brave! I'm so proud! Please, everyone, have some dinner!"

Commo began to frown as the warriors rushed past him and his outstretched hand.

"Oy! What about some clean up here?!" Emmy said, still standing in the middle of the battlefield.

"Don't worry about that right now," the General said, placing his hand on her shoulder as he walked past her and toward the food.

"Hello? We have big, dead, ugly bodies all over the place. I don't think it will look good in the light of day, especially when the orientation groups arrive," the Diva said.

"Lindsey will take care of it," Shana said.

"How?" Emmy asked, hands on her hips.

"Don't worry about it, Sir," Shana said with a laugh before turning and walking toward the buffet line.

"Ha ha, very funny," Emmy said, scowling as she followed along.

"Don't pout, Diva girl," Dande said as she walked over to greet Emmy. "We won! And now the men can eat!"

Emmy rolled her eyes as Dande laughed. "All I want to do is get out of this leather business, take a shower, and crawl into bed. And then I'm going shopping tomorrow, of course."

"Of course," Dande said with a smile.

"And I'm taking the General with me so he can pay for some of it," the Diva added with a clever grin.

"Oh! We have to go into town tomorrow afternoon to pick up some lumber and hairspray," Dande said.

"Interesting combination," Emmy remarked.

"So how about we meet you and Obi-Wan for lunch?"

Emmy shrugged. "Sure, sounds good."

"Perfect! I'll get a babysitter and everything," Dande happily replied. And then she frowned.

"What is it?"

"The Orc stench is wafting toward my buffet table. I'd better set up some fans," the Wench said, scurrying back toward the cottage.

"Fans? Where's she gonna plug fans in?" Kendra asked in passing.

"She's a Wench," was all Emmy had to say.

~*~

"There they are," Dande said as she spotted the Diva and the General through the window of the restaurant. She giggled as she watched Emmy skitter backwards and point across the plaza to the sale sign in the Z. Gallerie window while the General kept a firm grip on her hand and led her inside the restaurant.

Qui-Gon nodded, acknowledging the General's silent search for them.

"Sorry we're late," the General said, his arms loaded with shopping bags. Then he dubiously eyed the table for four.

"Perhaps we should ask for a larger table," Qui-Gon said. "I didn't realize you were bringing so much company," he added with a smirk.

"Duh, this is a shopping center," Emmy remarked with an equal smirk.

"I tried to tell him that we'd need a bigger table," Dande whispered to Emmy as the Jedi claimed a large booth and additional side table in the back of the restaurant.

"Oh reeeeaaalllly?" Emmy asked.

"Yes, really."

"Or did you just bat your eyes and say, 'Mastah Dahling, that's a nice big table in the back'?" Emmy said, intoning her best Wenchly impersonation.

"Well," Dande laughed.

"And then he said, 'Wishpuff, there are only four of us. We do not need a bigger table,'" the Diva said, sounding as gruff as she could before laughing herself.

"And just what would you do, Little Diva, without me around to amuse you?" Da Mastah asked with a quirked eyebrow and feigned impatience.

"I could ask you the same thing, Big Guy," Emmy replied, patting him on the shoulder before scooting into the booth.

"Dande," the General said with dramatic flair as he sat next to Emmy, "could it be that your husband and my Diva actually enjoy each other's company??"

"I don't know," Dande replied with equal drama, placing her hand over her heart. "It could be the end of the world as we know it."

"Shuddup," Qui-Gon and Emmy grumbled simultaneously as Dande and the General had a good chuckle.

"Lucky for us, I am a Jedi and well trained in Armageddon preparedness," the General explained with a cocky tone.

"Brat," Emmy finally laughed, playfully swatting the General's arm.

The General slid his arm around Emmy's back. "I learned from the best, my deah," he said, smooching her on the cheek.

"Yeah, yeah," Emmy chucked, rolling her eyes.

"Well, he's right, Em," Dande said with big eyes. "You are a very accomplished brat."

"Hey!" Emmy laughed out loud.

The corners of Da Mastah's eyes crinkled with amusement. "But not nearly as accomplished as Xanatos."

"Oh, he's done for," the General said with a slight shudder.

"So much a dead man," Emmy said. "He has no idea."

"Maybe if I tried a different cookie recipe," Dande said hopefully. "Maybe some nice Madelines."

Da Mastah shook his head. "Wishpuff, I'm afraid there's not much help for him at this point. He is on his own."

"I could dip the ends in chocolate," Dande said, undeterred.

"Wishpuff, Xanatos has made his bed. Only he can make things right with Dorotea now," Qui-Gon said.

"Was their bed ever really made, you think?" Emmy asked. "What?" she said as the other three gave her a look.

"Shall we order?" the General said.

"Oooh, yeah, I'm hungry," Emmy said.

"You're always hungry," the General said.

Emmy huffed and looked up at Qui-Gon and Dande. Hooking her thumb toward the General, she said, "Brat."

"Yes, I know," Da Mastah said, taking a sip of his beer.

"Mastah," the General objected.

"What?" Da Mastah flatly replied, giving him a blank look as he took another sip of beer.

"This is so fun, we need to do this more often!" Dande enthused.

"Here, here," the General said with a smile, raising his glass of ale. "Only next time, we eat at the Giant Burger next to Home Depot, and the girls can carry our purchases," he added, jokingly puffing his chest up.

Da Mastah chuckled and clinked his glass with the General's.

Dande giggled as the General side-glanced at Emmy and then winked.

Emmy, of course, huffed again.

"You think Xani is in the doghouse," Emmy said in a threatening manner.

The General tried not to dribble his ale as he laughed. "I was just joking, love."

"Pphhtt," Emmy replied, mussing his hair. "You're just lucky you're cute enough to get away with it."

"I know," the General said with a silly grin.

Emmy rolled her eyes. "How'd you put up with him all those years?" she asked Da Mastah.

"I've no idea," Da Mastah replied, leaning back and crossing his arms as Dande rested her hand on his bicep. "It certainly wasn't because he was cute."

"Well, *some* people thought I was cute," the General said with an impish grin.

"Like who?" Qui-Gon asked in a dubious tone, quite amused with himself.

"Oh get over yourself," Emmy said, squeezing the General's chin with her fingers.

"Of course," the General chuckled. "So how is Cara?"

"Oh, she's wonderful," Dande said. "Julia is watching her, I'm sure they're having a fabulous time." Then she turned to Emmy. "So what'd you buy, Diva girl?"

"I scored bigtime," Emmy enthused as she began to tell the tale of her purchases.

"So, Obi-Wan, my plan is to expand the gazebo area. I'm going to start with some deck improvements," Da Mastah began to explain.

Having such a good time as they were, not one of them gave a thought to Orcs, Wraiths, or elephant dung.

~*~

Kendra kicked a few small rocks at the shoreline of her lake.

Then she sighed.

"It's not my fault I have wanger/groping whatevers. Sheesh, everyone is so hypersensitive about these things. No sympathy whatsoever for my illness," she muttered.

Then she kicked something that wasn't a rock.

The glint of gold caught her eye and she bent down to find a ring sitting on top of the sand.

"Whoa, is this the ring that Jael was talking about?" she wondered out loud. "So you want to be found, eh?"

Well, she would have to return it immediately.

To someone.

But she would do the right thing.

Whatever that was.

Kendra looked to her left. Then she looked to her right.

Then she turned around and looked behind her.

Then she put the ring on.

Clouds of darkness filled her vision, and she felt like her body was floating, her hair billowing out in the air around her. Then a violent sensation spread through her entire being.

"I WILL BE YOUR TERRIBLE AND BEAUTIFUL QUEEN! I SHALL RULE OVER ALL THE WATERS OF THE WORLD, AND MEN OF ALL NATIONS SHALL FEAR ME!"

Kendra floated in the air for a few moments and then plunked back down to the ground. She pulled the ring off her finger and looked at it.

"Well, that was stupid! Who the hell wants to be terrible?? And forget about being a queen, it's hard enough work being the General's secretary. Any why the frack would I want men to fear me? How do you boink a man who fears you, I ask you this! And forget about groping! You can't grope somebody who fears you! And I already rule the waters! Who made this stupid ring anyway??"

And with that, Kendra threw the ring all the way to the middle of the lake and watched it sink under the water.

"All those smelly Orcs just for that?" she said as she wandered back toward home in search of a General to grope.

The End