Title: Of Orcs and Men
Authors: Dor and Dande
Rating: FTB - Feel the Buzz
Special thanks to Julia for the Dragon thoughts.
~*~
If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my Superhuman might
Kryptonite
~*~
Dor woke up to the sound of someone lyrically saying, "Knock, knock."
She cracked open one eye. It was bright. She closed the eye immediately. "Who's there?" She asked, although she knew only the Wench could sound lyrical this early in the morning.
"Good *afternoon*! I brought some chocolate macadamia cookies for you and your, erm, harem!" the Wench announced cheerfully as she entered the Library through the gaping hole in the wall. Ducking low so her hair didn't get mussed on the ragged edges of the dry wall, she looked and Dor and frowned thoughtfully. "Why are you sleeping on the sofa? Nap?"
"It can't be afternoon already," Dor groused, sitting up and yawning.
"Up late?"
"Yes, fighting with Xani. And before you ask, no. Not in a good way. We never even got to the make up part."
"Oh, you two always fight, I'm sure it will work out."
Dor grabbed the Tupperware container of cookies and opened it. She bit into a cookie and said, "I'm not sure if I care anymore. I'm sick of being his harpy."
"Hmmm," said the Wench thoughtfully, feeling a great disturbance in the Wo side of the Force.
Qui-Gon ducked into the Library. "Ready to go, Wishpuff? Good afternoon, Dor."
"No, it's not," Dor sulked.
"Oh," said Qui-Gon, sensing that this was more than Dor's usual moodiness and that it might be a while before he got to Home Depot.
"Dor and Xanatos are having troubles, dear."
Qui-Gon tried very hard to look unhappy at that news. He failed, but did ask, against his better judgment, "What sort of trouble?"
Dor sat back down on the sofa, still clutching the cookies in one arm as she dug around under piles of clothes and books for her boots. "Well, the sex is still great, I mean, wild and fantastic,"
At the mention of sex, Qui grimaced, cleared his throat and turned his attention out the window (clear plastic tarp). Dor didn't notice. Dande patted his shoulder supportively.
"I'm just sick of all the fighting, everyone assuming that he's cheating on me all the time."
"Dor, what other people assume is of no consequence," Qui rumbled.
"I know but I end up feeling like a shrew and a harpy. And that's not the only problem, I feel like he takes me for granted and he'd rather spend time with his stupid freakin' Xbox than me. Somedays I can't even tell if he really loves me or not. Maybe we just need some time apart."
Qui-Gon's face took on the look of a man in great pain as he realized where this conversation was going.
Dande sat down next to Dor, almost sitting on Rowan, but the black cat hissed and ran just in time. "I'm sure Xanatos loves you, Dor. He just has trouble expressing his feelings due to his issues," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "you know, because of his - unusual and unfortunate upbringing by the Order."
"I heard that, Wishpuff," Qui-Gon growled, even though he was not quite in disagreement with her assessment.
"I think you should talk to him, dear," the Wench said cheerfully looking up at Qui-Gon. You know, a father son, man to man, Jedi to Jedi, chat and all that." She patted Dor's back as Dor shoveled cookies in her mouth.
Qui-Gon groaned and crossed his arms. "Why? Because Dor has come to her senses and realized she deserves to be treated better?"
Dor moaned and started rummaging around for a bottle of Maker's that wasn't empty.
The Wench gave Qui-Gon an admonishing look and cleared her throat.
"Okay, I'll talk to him." Tree Top Mon grumbled.
Dor stood up. "Don't bother, I'm going for a walk. I need to find Draco and make sure he's not teasing Legolas again. And I'd better put some fire-repelling wards on the tree-house."
The Big Jedi sighed grumpily and shook his head. No, not getting to the Home Depot anytime soon by a long shot. And what's worse, he had to have a "Wimmen" talk with Xanatos. Qui-Gon shuddered. Alpha's were just not very good at this mushy sort of thing.
"Dor," Qui-Gon said gently. "It'll be okay." He didn't have the slightest idea how it would end up OK, but it would. He cared very much for Dor. And for Xani too, in an odd father/son/swords points kind of way. Yes, if Jinn had anything to do with it, and he did, then it would all work out.
At least, that's how he envisioned it.
Dor nodded and said to the Wench, "I'm okay, I'll see you later at the Chinese lessons. That man will at least distract me from thinking about Xanatos for a while."
"Oh, you got that right." Dande giggled.
Qui-Gon looked at his Wench. "What Chinese lessons? What man?
"Well, umm, yeah. Later guys." Dor said as she ducked quickly past the bulk of the Mastah and out the hole in the wall before the conversation went any further.
Dande frowned a bit and sighed.
"Wishpuff!"
"Yes, Mastah Dahling?"
"What's Dor talking about?" He asked.
"Oh, just the new language lessons we are taking this afternoon." Dande replied dreamily.
"Language. Lessons?" He was not quite convinced. "In. Chinese?"
Dande nodded. "Of course! How else can I talk to my Foo Lion statues?" She asked, her face a total deadpan mask of seriousness.
"Talk to your Foo Lions? You mean those hideous statues you collect?"
"Yes, those *adorable* statues I collect." Dande corrected.
"They, *talk* to you?" Qui-Gon paused. His Wishpuff was not prone to hallucination, and with all the strange goings on around here, well, you get the point.
"Yes, Mastah, but I can't understand them, because they speak Chinese." Dande reeeely hoped he was buying this. Actually, she knew he wasn't, but she hoped that she'd confused him enough that he'd decide pressing her for an explanation was not worth the effort.
The Mastah sighed and shook his head. "I'm not even going to ask what you're really up to. But please, let me know if things get too wild? Hmmm?"
"Wild? Moi? Here?" She asked with mock surprise. "You wound me!" She added with a giggle.
~*~
"Draco!" The Librarian called as she stomped through the forest. "That elf will put an arrow through you if you keep teasing him! It's not like the poor thing is getting any, he's probably cranky!"
Draco swept down and landed with a flourish in front of "She Who Yelled More Everyday." He made big, wide dragon eyes, and tried to innocent, but his Keeper was not buying it.
"Open your mouth! Is that timber between your teeth from Legolas' tree house?" She demanded.
Draco snorted a puff a smoke at Dorotea, closing his snout quickly to hide the splinter of wood between his sharp teeth.
Dorotea pulled out a tall leather boot. "I brought you a treat, but if you've been a naughty dragon - "
Draco snapped at the boot as Dor quickly said a spell that made the boot disappear. Draco puffed curl of fire at his Keeper.
"I'll bring it back, and a few more, if you'll behave," Dor promised.
Draco stomped his paw a bit and flapped his wings stubbornly. He didn't understand why "He Who has Pointy Ears and Even Pointier Toys" would build a house in the trees if he didn't want to play with Draco.
Draco and Dor stared at each other, neither one backing down. They were both so focused, neither of them heard the rustling in the trees. The next thing they knew, there was a tall man rushing towards Draco, sword drawn.
Dor screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOO!" She quickly shouted a spell at the attacker.
The man skidded to a stop a foot away from Draco and the Librarian. His arm was up, ready to strike with his sword, only he no longer had a sword, he was now holding a rubber chicken by the leg. "My sword!"
"Sorry about that," Dor said. "I was actually trying to turn it the sword to rubber. Hmm - I'll have to work on that."
"Could you change it back? I'm trying to save you from that cruel beast." He said, gesturing in the dragon's direction.
If Draco had any eyebrows he would've arched them. Then he would've grinned wickedly.
Dor smiled. "Well, that's not -," she started, then she took a closer look at the man. He was tall and well-built, longish brown hair, a bit scruffy. He wore chain-mail and a leather cloak. He was eyeing Draco warily, looking ready to take on the dragon with his bare hands if necessary. Dor reconsidered, after all she was a Wo. "Okay, save me from the dragon."
Draco flapped his wings and snorted a flame at his Keeper who was Disowning him for an unkempt woodsman.
The Ranger moved toward the dragon, but Dor stepped in front, placing her hand on the man's chest. "I'm only joking. This is my dragon, he's mostly harmless."
Draco, very insulted at being called 'mostly harmless', had had enough and he took the air. He was sure that "He With the Pointy Ears" would enjoy a game of chase through the treetops.
Dor watched him go and knew she was going to have to buy a lot of very expensive shoes to make up for this.
The scruffy man skeptically asked, "The dragon is your *pet*?"
"Yeah, he was a gift from a, er, friend."
"Are you sure this person is really your friend?"
"I wonder sometimes," Dor muttered. Then, she remembered what she had learned at the Wench academy about meeting attractive men in the forest. Smiling sweetly, she tilted her head just a bit to show off her best side, wishing she hadn't told Pelham to go away when he wanted to do her hair earlier. "I'm Dorotea," she said as she stuck out her hand.
"Strider," the man answered, proffering her not his hand, but the rubber chicken. "Could you fix this? I would like Anduril back."
"Aragorn," Dor said, eyes widening with realization.
"That is my name as well."
"Legolas is going to be so happy to see you! The frosh ho's are driving him nuts wanting to play with his ears!"
"Legolas is here? Speaking of here Milady, where exactly are we? I know my way around all the woods, but this place is strange to me."
Dorotea heard a faint buzz as the fairy tale setting overtook her. I mean, here she was, in an enchanted wood, with a dragon, a handsome woodsman and his sword and chain mail, and he'd just called her "Milady." Her Wenchichlorians wrestled with her Ho-ichlorians, and almost got a strong hold. Almost.
Shaking her head to clear the fuzzed connection, she spoke.
"Yes, Legolas is here. He lives in that tree house over there." The Librarian said pointing vaguely. And don't worry, this place is strange to everyone. You're at HSU, follow me. First we'll go by the Library and I'll see if I can find a spell to fix your sword."
"Library?" Strider asked as he followed Dor through the woods.
"Yes, I'm the Librarian at the University. The Library is having a few structural problems right now, so be careful walking around inside it. The walls have a tendency to fall."
"Perhaps I could fix it for you." Aragorn muttered as he looked around. "So turning swords into chickens isn't your normal vocation?"
"No, I usually turn princesses into chickens."
"Hmmmm, I hope Legolas can explain this place to me," Strider muttered, following the entirely black-clad Librarian.
~*~
The Emperor, King Mongkut, His Royal Majesty of Siam rode around the grounds of the new Chinese gardens that had been added to the Campus. He inhaled the fragrant scent of the plum blossoms, the water lily's from the ornamental pods, and the spicy incense that was burning in brass urns stationed around the central pagoda. This place was a puzzlement, he thought. It was the middle of a harsh winter, and yet, with the help of the one they called "The Witch" some sort of magic had been done to this area of the property, making it the same climate as his native Siam.
Well, not the first two times. The first time, hail the size of baseballs fell from the sky, and the big haired first wife of the Wizard raised her usually gentle voice to the Witch. He didn't really understand their dialect, and he made a mental note to find out what the Witch meant when she said "Bite me" to the red lipped Wench.
Yes, he knew what Wenches were. He'd had 23 wives and 48 concubines, remember.
The next attempt by the Witch brought a sandstorm like he'd read about happening in the Arabia's. This actually provoked the Wench to anger, something he'd seldom seen in his experience. When the sand storm died away, Mongkut could tell why the Wizard's woman was upset. She looked like a Lhasa Apso from Tibet, with it's hair all mussed.
The Witch's response made him wonder what "Don't get your wonder bra in a bunch" meant. These must be some form of friendly greeting, since the two were obviously close. In fact, he'd gathered from their conversation that the Witch had once belonged to the Wizard, but for some reason, he'd given her to the younger, Dark Warlock.
"Tis a puzzlement." He muttered.
"HEY!"
His Highness looked all around, and did not see the source of the voice.
"Hey! You! Hey! I'm talking. To. You!"
His Supreme Highness motioned to the Mahout to stop, and then he looked down. Way down. Way, way down at a tiny woman who was shod with the most incomprehensible footwear. Still, it was hard to tell just who she was since it was such a long way down from his Royal Elephant.
"Geez! Are you deaf? I said STOP!" The woman continued to yell.
Mongkut shook his head. The Mahout looked nervous.
"The Elephant has stopped, English Woman." His Highness drawled. "Who are you? And why do you remain standing?"
"Umm, what?" Emmy asked, blinking.
"Why do you not press your forehead to the ground in my presence." He asked regally.
"In the mud?" The Dean asked, still not quite comprehending what he meant. "Why would I do that?"
The King stood up in his seat on the Elephant, very angry now. "You will prostrate yourself in front of me! I am the King of Siam!" He roared.
"What the frack are you talking about?" Emmy hissed in a tone that would have sent anyone else running. "I'm not pressing my forehead anywhere, got it? And another thing, I hope you're prepared to clean up after this, Beast!"
The Mahout looked at Emmy with panic in his eyes.
King Mongkut smiled warmly. "Bite me!" He said cheerfully, trying out his newly learned local greeting.
"Why you. You. Big - " She began.
"Yes, I am large of statue, and I started smoking at eight!" He said happily. "Now, press your forehead to the ground!"
Emmy made a very strangled sound, so great was her fury. "Dande! She's behind this! Or Dor!"
"Yes, the concubines were most hospitable. Tell me, Sir, why are you troubled?"
"Concubines? What? Sir? Did you just call me Sir?"
"Yes, only men stand in the presence of the King, so you will be called Sir."
"You arrogant bastard! Get off that animal and get down here on ground level so I can look you in the eye while I'm disrespecting you!"
"Don't get your wonder bra in a bunch!" The King said smiling as he nodded to the Diva and motioned for his Mahout to move the beast forward. "Who is your Master? Do you show him such little respect Sir?" He called down as he passed.
As the King rode off, Emmy kicked a mud puddle fiercely in anger. Unfortunately, her clunky shoe flew off and landed in the water. "Oh, That does it!" She fumed. Reaching into the water for her missing shoe, the Diva began to mutter under her breath
"Oh Emmy, it will be fun! We can all learn Chinese!" Emmy said as she mimicked the high octave voice of the Wench. "Dead. The Wench and one of the Wo's will die. Maybe both Wo's, if Laure is in on this little scheme too."
~*~
Dor walked into the Library with Aragorn following closely behind her. Aragorn looked around at the shell-shocked building curiously. "Has there been a war here?"
"Several," Dor answered. She spotted Pelham making his way across the construction site that was the Library and added, "And there may be another one any minute."
Aragorn went to grasp the hilt of his famous sword, but ended up with a handful of rubber chicken.
Pelham gave Aragorn a disdainful look and sniffed slightly. "M'lady, a stray seems to have followed you home."
Dor rolled her eyes. "Pelham, this is Strider, the Ranger. He's also known as Aragorn." Dor decided not to bother Pelham with the details of Aragorn's royal ancestry.
Strider reached out his hand to shake Pelham's. Ignoring the gesture, Pelham met Dor's gaze. "Please tell me you're not keeping it."
"He's a man not an it!"
"I don't think you need any more pets m'lady."
Aragorn watched with a bemused expression as Dor and Pelham went back and forth for a few minutes.
"You'll be bored with him a week."
"Will not! Plus, I'm not doing anything with him. Yet."
"What will Xanatos say?"
"When would Xanatos notice?"
"Xanatos would know."
"HA! The only way he would notice is if I took away his Xbox!"
"Maybe you should take away his Xbox then and desist with the plans I know you're making."
"But look at him!" Dor said, gesturing at Aragorn.
"While, I will admit he is attractive in a rugged fashion, he's unkempt, needs a haircut or at least a very long, hot shower and probably a defleaing! He looks like he sleeps in the woods!"
"I have been sleeping in the woods," Aragorn said. "I do not believe I have any infestations though. I bathe often in the river."
"Do you?" Dor asked, turning on her Wo smile and tilting her head again.
"Yes," Aragorn heard buzzing in his head. This witch was very enchanting.
"Can I join you?" Dor asked before she realized she was speaking out loud, not to mention flirting in a Wench like manner. She quickly turned red and slapped her hand over her mouth. "I SO did not mean to say that! I am not even an outdoorsy type person!"
"It is rather cold this time of year, but it can be a very refreshing experience."
Dor swooned. Pelham snorted.
"Could you please see about transforming my sword first though."
"Let me get my spellbooks."
"I'm going to the Clinic," Pelham announced.
"What's new about that? You spend most of your time there!" Dor scowled.
"I enjoy spending time with people of style."
"Style? Scrubs? Cic? He's a servant you know! Fine. Go. Just stay."
Pelham didn't answer, but moved a loose piece of drywall out of the way and walked into the Clinic, replacing it behind himself.
~*~
Qui-Gon found Xanatos in the pub, sitting in a booth, playing his Game Boy Advance. Qui-Gon took a deep breath and slid onto the bench across from his former apprentice.
"Hey, pop." Xanatos nodded, not looking up from his game.
Qui-Gon grimaced. "So," he began. "I hear you having trouble with Dor."
"No," Xanatos said, still not looking up from his game.
"Yes, you are having trouble with Dor. You just don't know it yet. Or, to put it another way, she's having trouble with you."
Xanatos waved his hand dismissively between bleeps and pings from his game. "She'll get over it. She's just sulking a bit. I think she's still recovering from all the marriage talk from Darry's mum."
Qui sighed and tried to think why he should try to convince the Greysider to treat Dor better. He should just let her dump Xani and find someone worthy. But, he could almost hear his Wishpuff's voice in his head, "She loves Xani."
So Qui took a deep breath and went on. "I think that she is seriously upset Xani, you're going to have to take action or you're going to lose her."
Xani looked up from his game, one look at Qui's face and Xani knew his former master wasn't pulling his leg. "So, what are you saying?"
"Xani, maybe you should put down your game boy, this is going to be a shock.
"Geez, how bad is it?" Xani asked. And The Master thought he saw something akin to fear on Xani's face for the first time since his padawan days.
"Xanatos, I won't lie to you. This will be a difficult mission. Many men have died on missions such as this."
Xanatos made a face. "I'm going to have to do something romantic aren't I?"
"I'm afraid so." Qui nodded, feeling his apprentices' pain.
"WIMMIN!" Xani muttered as if it were a curse word, shaking his head.
"You got that right." The Master added dryly.
"Why are they so impossible to understand?" The Greysider asked.
Qui-Gon sighed thoughtfully. "I wish I knew Xani. I wish I knew."
"I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend in the end."
3 Doors Down, Kryptonite
~*~
~*~
"I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend in the end."
3 Doors Down, Kryptonite
~*~
At the pub, Emmy took her cup of dark hot chocolate and slumped into the booth across from Shana. "Son of a Bitch!" She exhaled dramatically and crossed her arms, staring at the milk foam at the top of her cup.
Shana knew this look. "Rough day?" She asked, smiling slightly as she sipped her triple espresso with extra caffeine added for good measure.
Yes, Judy could do that. She's Da Bomb, after all.
"You don't know the half of it. Remind me next time not to *evah* listen to Dande's faculty ideas again?"
"What did you let her do?"
"Well, Dande asked for an Asian cultures, language and mythology professor. You know she's on that oriental kick, with the Koi pond and the Foo Lions and the Geisha bit."
Shana nodded and muttered, "That explains the kimono."
Emmy held her hand up. "I don't even want to know what Madame Butterfly is up to. Anyway, she floated into my office all sing-songy and chipper and said she knew just the person for the position."
"And you listened?" Shana asked, a bit surprised.
"Well, yeah. She said Dor thought he was perfect for the job as well. Why the fact that the *two* of them thought this was a great plan didn't set off my Alpha Ho Alarm is beyond explanation."
Shana stared, wide-eyed at Emmy's momentary complete lack of judgment.
"So. *Anyway*" Emmy continued, flipping her hair. "I went out to meet him, You know, the old meet and greet, and what do I find? They brought this big blowhard alpha to campus! He actually wanted me to press my head to the ground in his presence!"
"Oh, Fuck no." Shana shook her head forcefully.
"He's got a big smelly elephant, too."
Shana splurted her drink at that.
"So what are you going to do to Dande?"
"I dunno. Bind her feet, maybe." Emmy considered.
"She'd probably like that."
The two sat in contemplative silence for a while.
Emmy suddenly sat up in her seat and burst out with a torrent of angry speech. "If he thinks!… That big dumb ape!… Well just fook him and the elephant he rode in on!" Then she nodded with a satisfied smile.
"You got that right." Shana agreed. Totally understanding the entire conversation. "Hey, you up for some shopping?"
"Yeah, baby. I got a flier for Lord and Taylor's in the mail today. Shoe. Sale."
"This looks like a job for the Uber Ho's!" Shana said, imitating a narrator from children's hero cartoons.
"We cannot let Lord and Taylor's down! They need our help!" Emmy added with a flourish.
Shana raised her arm and jingled her keys dramatically. "To the HoMobile!"
As the dynamic duo swept out the door, Emmy stopped a moment and grabbed Shana's arm.
"What?" Shana asked, a tad cranky that the shoe shopping hadn't yet begun.
"Shana, am I butch?"
"WHAT?"
"You know, not…I dunno. Forget it."
"What is going on here?" Shana asked, arching her brow.
"Nuthin."
"Spit it out, Diva."
"He called me Sir." Emmy muttered.
"Who did?"
"The King of Siam."
Shana burst out laughing as she grabbed Emmy's arm and hauled her to the car.
"What??" Emmy asked crossly as she stumbled along behind.
~*~
Xanatos walked across campus, muttering to himself, "Something romantic! Gods! Why me? Didn't Pelham just tell her he loved her, like, a week ago? That should count from both us!"
Julia tapped Sere's arm. "The Greysider is talking to himself."
Sere grinned. "Is he carrying flowers?"
"Ahhhh, yaaaaaaaaa! Could this be, Wove, twooo wuve?" Julia asked, placing her hand to her brow dramatically.
"Oh, it's *better* than that. I smell….Scandal! Lets follow, there's a story there!"Julia readied her camera. This was going to be good.
~*~
Emmy stood in front of the couch in her office, smiling happily. Shopping bags from every swank department store covered the cushions. She took out several pairs of clompy shoes, trying them on in turn. Over and over again, admiring the view out her window from 5'3, now 5'4. Now back to 5'2, then up to 5'4".Up, down. Up, down. She was getting dizzy.
With a happy chuckle, she reached for the Moose Munch, and clomped back over to her desk. No, she wasn't particularly upset, but clomping was good for the soul.
She had all but forgotten the King of Siam as she booted up her new, improved, "Swaggering General" (tm) screen saver. Wearing great new shoes, staring at her new screen saver, and noshing on dark chocolate covered Moose Munch, she began her bliss out.
Then her door burst open, and two strange women pushed their way inside.
Emmy just stared in shock that anyone would do such a thing.
"Hello!" One of the women said, bouncing happily. "We'd like to enroll!"
"Whaaaaa?" Emmy's mouth was still full of Moose Munch.
Then, the other woman pushed in front of the happy one. "I am Ophelia, and this is Isabelle, where do we put our things?
"Who let you two in?" Emmy demanded, the "bliss out" vibes evaporating from her mind quickly.
"Um,Ummm we, we, just let ourselves in." Isabelle offered helpfully, shaking a bit. "We heard we had to see you before we moved in on the General."
Ophelia smacked Isabelle. "She means, moved in on campus and met the General, of course."
Isabelle nodded furiously, looking stricken. Then, she banged her head against the wall.
"Don't I know you?" Emmy was suddenly suspicious.
Ophelia shark-smiled at Emmy.
"Well, we *were* in the hive once. But that was a long time ago. We've left Wuthering Heights Wench Academy, and we'd like to transfer here."
"Hey Ophie, weren't we kicked out of the Wench Academy?" Isabelle whispered, loud enough for Emmy to hear.
"No, We. Left." Ophelia gave Izzy the "Look of Pain."
Izzy stapled her fingers with Emmy's stapler.
"Cut it out!" Emmy cried, grabbing her stapler back.
Isabelle shut her own fingers in Emmy's desk drawer.
"As. I. Was. Saying." Ophelia began. "We'd like to transfer here. We've realized that General Kenobi is the way to go, and the Master is, well, gone.
Just then, the Master strode by Emmy's office, muttering loudly to himself about not being a romance counselor.
Ophelia grabbed Emmy's computer keyboard and started to follow him out. Isabelle made an odd screeching sound and fainted.
"Give. Me. That!" Emmy growled, grabbing her office supplies back from the odd pair.
"He's married! Forget him already." She hissed. "What is wrong with you two?"
"Does the General have that sexy full beard like Lucas says he's got?" Isabelle asked as she clambered up from the floor.
"Ok, you two. Time's up."
The pair began screeching loudly.
Emmy snarled. She was about to lambaste them into next week when she got a better idea. Smiling sweetly, she did her best to make her eyes soft and non-threatening. "How does Dande do that?" She muttered.
Both women got deathly silent. Then Isabelle made some gurgling sounds.
"Listen…Ladies." Emmy began, trying to sound cordial. "I think you're right, you two do belong here. I have just the place for you."
The women preened.
"I have to be - Somewhere -- at, a -- Thing. Yeah. An important, thing. So." Emmy straightened her Calvin Klein suit and smiled. "Why don't you go to our Library and meet Dorotea, she's our Librarian. She's very involved in student affairs, and she can help you get settled in. She'd love to take care of you both, I'm sure. Follow the burning smell and the construction sounds, they'll lead you right to her."
The pair stumbled over each other on their way to the door.
"There you go now, that's the way." Emmy said in a very soothing, mom type voice. "Remember, you're looking for Dorotea. Just ask her where you should be placed, she'll know."
Ophelia was gone, but Isabelle stuck her head back in the office.
"I just wanted to say thanks!" She stated with manic happiness before clonking her head against the door in parting.
"MWAHAHAHA" The Diva laughed maniacally. Grabbing the phone, she dialed the Librarian's number.
"Hello, Dor? It's Em. I'm sending two rejects to you. You know what to do."
Emmy heard Dor's maniacal laughter from the other end of the phone.
Life was good.
~*~
Tara sat at the Fire Station, pouring over applications. She'd become something of the eye candy goddess, and took that responsibility very seriously.
Well, pretty seriously. Ok. So she took it seriously only when the General wasn't showing off his hose for her in the station office.
Hey, a Ho has to have priorities, after all.
Sighing dreamily as she thought of the "Fire" she and the General had just quenched, she reached for her coffee across the stacks of applications.
"No. Not. Na Uh. Too short. Too tall. Too skinny." She discarded app after app.
Hey, these are important qualities in firemen, you can't be too careful. One wrong move, and you've got some gomer flashing his hose all over the place!
"Too happy. Too broody." She put the picture marked "Too Broody" in an interoffice manila envelope, and wrote Dor's name on the outside in red ink.
"Dead. Undead. Mostly dead. We've got enough of that noise already." She mused, setting the various states of "Dead" aside for the mediator.
"Too wimpy. Too alpha. Wait a minute." Taking out another envelope, she scrawled Dande's name on the outside, and stuffed the alpha pic inside. As she moved to put it down, she stopped and picked up the pen again. As an afterthought, she scrawled, "For your eye's only. No Jedi snooping here."
"Nosey alpha's." She muttered.
Suddenly, Tara dropped her coffee mug, spilling java all over her desk. She didn't even look down as she stared, transfixed at the image in front of her.
"I need a hero!" She sang out loudly. "Now! Where is the Most Righteous Glitter Shaker of Woo?"
~*~
Dor put down the phone, still laughing maniacally.
Aragorn held up a plastic ninja sword and gave her a stormy look. "This isn't quite right."
"Huh?" Dor said, as she begin rummaging through a stack of spellbooks. She looked up and saw the toy sword. "Oh, oops, yeah, just a minute, have an emergency situation to take care of. You know. A Witch's work is never done."
A tarp hanging where the Library door should've been rustled as Isabelle and Ophelia fell over themselves entering the Library. The twitchy women ogled at Aragorn as they approached the Librarian.
"Dorotea? The Dean said we should see you for our placement," Ophelia screeched, a manic look in her eyes.
Isabelle's teeth chattered uncontrollably.
Dorotea grinned. "Oh, yes, I know exactly where to put you two. But, first I have a little ceremony I like to do to welcome new students."
"Ooh, goodie!" Isabelle and Ophelia got very excited, "It won't take long will it? We're in a hurry to see the General's beard."
Dor shook her head and stole a quick glance at the opened spellbook. She gathered a few ingredients and tossed them on Isabelle and Ophelia, who wrinkled their noses in disgust at some of the, "more fragrant" items.
Aragorn took a step back, scanning the room for a weapon more dangerous than a plastic ninja sword.
"Cluckus Muckus" "Animus Changus" "True Selfus Showus"
There was a long, awkward moment of silence.
Nothing happened so the Librarian shrugged and added, "Abracadabra!"
There were large popping sounds as a bilious amount of acrid sulfur smoke surrounded the duo. Aragorn picked up Pelham's walking stick and held it ready. There was a loud howling noise as the smoke cleared revealing a howler monkey and a weasel in place of Ophelia and Isabelle. The monkey and the weasel howled and screeched and ran out of the Library.
"Hmm," The Librarian coughed thoughtfully, waving her hand to clear the smoke. "They were supposed to turn into chickens. Oh well." She began to sing softly as she cleaned up her potions, "All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel."
Aragorn put down the walking stick and approached Dorotea. Getting very close to her he looked down and said, "Did it ever occur to you that if your spells don't work right, you shouldn't do them?"
"No."
Aragorn closed his eyes for a long moment.
"Oh, I see what I did wrong! I used the spell that turns people into their inner animalistic self, not the princess chicken spell," the Librarian said cheerfully, purposefully ignoring Aragorn's displeasure. "You want something to drink? Eat? I think I have some Skittles. Oh! And we have leftover Chinese in the frig."
"Fix my sword. Now," Aragorn said stiffly.
Dor turned her doe eyes on him. "Please," he added, suddenly feeling a twinge of longing for the Dark Haired Witch.
"Well, since you asked so nicely." Dor said with a small grin.
~*~
The Nurse watched from the gaping hole in the wall. She shook her head. "Dor is SO going to boink him."
Cic peered over his wife's head into the Library, "He doesn't seem her type. He's rather grungy."
"Oh, Dor goes through those phases."
"Then perhaps Xanatos will be leaving campus ," Cicero said with a small satisfied grin.
Darry ignored that comment and continued, "Her guilt meltdown will probably bring down half the campus."
"Yes, isn't that nice," responded Cic, pulling his wife into the closet, since Pelham was using their phone and seemed quite comfortable conversing in French to someone. They hadn't bothered to ask who, it's not like they had to personally pay their own long distance bill.
"Ahhh, oui. Bien sur! Je peux commencer immdiatement. Mes valises sont emballes maintenant.
Il y a la question de mon fraits, mais nous pouvons discuter les choses de l'argent un autre temps, non? Mon billet l'est-ce que premier classe? Bon!"
Pel hung up the phone with a self satisfied air. "Zoot alors! J'ai oublie! Mosieur Xanatos et Madame la Sorciere! Mosieur Le Matre de la biblioth que n'est pas heureux. Tant pis."
~*~
Aragorn looked at the gleaming sword, Excalibur, in his hand. "Nice sword. Wrong king," he told the Librarian with a wry smile.
Dor moaned. "I'm sorry. I'm really trying!" Her lips jutted out into the hint of pout.
Aragorn sighed heavily. He wasn't sure what to make of this inept sorceress. "I know. You're getting much closer." He gave her a small pat on her head, hoping a bit of encouragement would help her get the spell right. "I mean, the sword of Charlemagne was nice and all, but Excalibur is definitely closer."
Dor shrugged, she couldn't figure out where the French sword had come from.
:: Why French? :: she wondered.
Dor put her head on his chest. "I need to rest for a minute."
"Now?" Aragorn asked.
"Yes."
"Against me?"
"You don't mind, do you?" Dor asked as she fondled his chain mail.
"What would be the point?" Aragorn muttered, wishing he were fighting an army of Orcs. He really should've have known better than to wish for something like that, but he was new to HSU.
Still, her milky white skin and temperamental disposition were strangely compelling.
~*~
Laure sat at her desk, rubbing her forehead. She'd bruised it during her last session with Cal. Why had she decided to come back to mediating? She looked at her schedule and moaned. Next was two freshmen having a disagreement over what temperature their room should be. Then Cal. Again! There was a soft knocking on the door.
"Come in," Laure called, figuring Ky must be at archery class, again.
The General swaggered into Laure's office carrying a basket. "For the new, or should I say, 'returned', mediator." The General placed the basket of relaxation goodies on her desk, moving behind Laure he began massaging her shoulders.
"Oh, no. You're so tense, love."
Laure rolled her head forward and moaned softly at the General's touch. "Cal," she explained.
"Ah," said the General. "In that case, let me lock the door and give you the *full* relaxation treatment."
"Life is good," purred Laure.
~*~
Dorotea took a deep breath, pointed her wand at Excalibur and said," Transfromus Anduril!"
A green smog emitted from Excalibur and when it cleared Aragorn was holding Anduril in his hands again. He smiled and gave it a test slash through the air, barely missing Rowan's tail. The cat hissed and ran away to hide in the Clinic.
"Perfect," Aragorn said as he sheathed the sword. He looked down at the pale sorceress with the black-cherry colored lips and leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Xanatos took a deep breath and walked into the Library. "Dorotea?" He called as he tried to make his way around the stacks of lumber, paint cans, drywall and dusty tools. He wanted to get this romantic crap over with and get to the good part as quickly as possible. "I have something fo --" Xanatos stopped mid-word as he saw a ruffian's lips pressed to the forehead of *his* witch.
"Xani!" The Librarian stammered, taking a step back from Aragorn. "Um, this is Aragorn. I was just fixing his sword for him."
Xanatos glared at Aragorn. "You were doing what with his sword?"
"Well, it's kind of a long story, you see, I was in the woods with Dra-"
"If it's long story why don't you just skip to the end part where this, this," Xanatos' eyes roamed over the scruffy Woodsman, "grungemeister was kissing you."
Dor rolled her eyes. "Oh, get over it. Nothing happened."
"Looked like something to me."
Dor smacked Xanatos' chest. "I said it was nothing."
"Oh, being frisky isn't going to get you out of this, pet," Xanatos said, lightly swatting Dor's head with the roses he was holding. "You better not be playing me for the fool."
Dor snorted. "Doesn't feel good does it?"
"What doesn't feel good?"
"Feeling like the fool? It's not a lot of fun, is it?"
Xanatos raised the flowers to swat Dor's head again, but Aragorn's sword cut through them, scattering black roses everywhere.
"Hey! My roses!" Dor complained.
Xanatos started for his light saber, but Dor grabbed his arm. "No! That would hardly be a fair fight."
"Ask me if I care." Xanatos growled. Dor took a deep breath, trying not thud at Xanatos' growl.
She was saved by Pelham, who entered the Library, followed by Cal, who was buried under a new set of Tumi luggage. Dor looked at the luggage. "Moving to the Clinic, are you?" She snapped at Pelham.
"Paris, Mon Cherie."
"Non!"
"Oui! I've been offered a job as a fashion editor for the French Vogue magazine."
"Non!" Xanatos and Dor said together.
"Oui! C'est Bon, non?" Pel answered with a smile.
"Non!" Dorotea said shaking her head.
"Will you get to hang with the models?" Xanatos asked.
Pelham arched an eyebrow at Xanatos' word choice. "Peut-etre, " he said with a small smile.
Xanatos looked intrigued. Dor smacked him. "If you're so interested, perhaps you should go with him."
"Maybe I will."
"Fine. Good. Go."
"If you don't care, I will."
"If you want to go, go. I'm not going to beg you to stay."
"I'm not going to beg to stay."
"Well, then," Dor shrugged and said, "that's that. You're going with Pelham," even though she couldn't believe that was that.
"Great, - then, - sure. Someone has to keep Pelham's neck out of a noose anyway," Xanatos said, although none of this was going the way he had wanted it to go.
"Perhaps the three of you would like to be alone," Aragorn said, not wanting to be caught in a spellcasting crossfire, as he edged to the door, okay, tarp.
"Yes, Si vous plait. That means please." Pelham said snottily to the Ranger.
Aragorn left with a bemused expression on his face. He had seen a great many lands in his lifetime, but this was the strangest by far. It crossed him mind that perhaps he should stay and protect the soceress, but from what he had seen, she didn't need any protection, except perhaps from herself.
Dor watched Aragorn go silently. Pelham moved to brush her hair out of her face. "Dorotea," he said softly. "I need to do this. I --"
"I understand," Dor said, she had been expecting this for a while. Pelham had been dead for a long time, it was only natural he would want to live again, see how the world had changed from his time. "I really do. Take care of Xanatos. Don't let any angry mobs or persistent officers of the law get him."
Pelham nodded and kissed her good-bye. "I'll call everyday, mon petite chou."
Xanatos and Dorotea stared at each other silently, both too stubborn and petulant to say what they really wanted to say. Finally, Dor gave Xanatos' scarred cheek a quick kiss. "Au Revoir," she said, not trusting herself to say anything more.
Xanatos nodded, returned the kiss and swept out the door (tarp). "I'll be back," he said as he left.
Dor looked at the tarp flapping and said to herself, "I wonder if that's a threat or a promise." She decided she didn't care as long as he was telling the truth. She picked up a bottle of Maker's Mark, looked at it for a long moment and put it down without taking a drink.
On the front steps of the Library, Cal took one step and collapsed under the weight of the luggage. No one noticed.
~*~
Julia and Sere ran back to the radio station to share the breaking news that the Campus' infamous threesome was parting ways. And that there was new eyecandy on Campus. Julia was already imagining the front page of the Tattler in the morning with a full page picture of the Ranger. And she couldn't wait to tell Legolas he'd soon have a Middle Earth companion other than a dragon to spend time with.
~*~
In a Paris flat a week later:
"She is going to be begging us to come back soon," Xanatos said as he played his Gameboy.
Pelham arched a brow, but didn't look up from the photographs he was sorting. "Not if she finds out about that model you took out last night," he muttered.
Xanatos scoffed. "She was nothing. I didn't even Fuc-" He grinned as he heard his computer say, "You have mail."
"Ooh, hopefully that's another smutty note from Dor," he enthused.
The Gameboy dropped to the Persian rug with a soft thud. "Gods!"
"Quoi?" Pelham asked.
"Dor and Emmy bought an entire fucking solar system with my Offworld Credit Card!"
Pelham snickered.
"There isn't one planet with any natural resources to mine! It's all resorts and shopping!"
"Must be vacation time."
~*~
Dor sat on the Clinic examination table. "I don't feel well."
"There's nothing wrong with you! Go home!"
"Can't I stay until dinner?"
"It's 10 am!"
Dor whimpered softly. The Nurse lost her temper. She slammed down a bottle of aspirin in front of the Librarian. "I warned you about your !(&$#-%&)#'ing guilt whatevers! You told Xanatos to go! Don't bother me with it! Either go boink the @*($#( out of Aragorn or call Xanatos and tell him to come back."
"But --"
"NO buts! One or the other. I don't care which, but you're not going to sit here all day and mope!"
"I can't decide what to do! Maybe Laure is right, maybe I should call one of those pyshic hotlines."
"Sure. Fine. Whatever," said the Nurse, tossing a Nokia at Dor's head. "Ellie delivered a whole box to me this morning, take it with you."
~*~
In the new Siamese gardens at HSU, a group of women gathered for their first Chinese lesson. King Mongkut smiled. They were a very gentle and lovely group indeed.
"Such nice concubines" He thought. "I wonder where I might get some of my own? Ahhh! I will tell Sir to get me some! She seems to be the First Wife of the Young Warrior. She must have found these lovely creatures for their Masters, she can find me some such as these."
Turning to his Mahout, cum lackey, his highness smiled and nodded regally. "Please go to the troubled English woman. Tell her that His Highness requires female companionship. Direct her to make the appropriate arrangements."
The Mahout began to wonder if he should run away and join the circus.
Striding out on the veranda of his palace, he was pleased to see Dande press her head to the floor immediately. "I must meet this Wizard. It would seem we have much in common." He muttered as he approached the group. Smiling serenely, he looked at the two remaining women.
Laure smiled softly and fluttered her eyes. She let her gaze travel up and down the King, appreciating his red silk clothing, his chest and his bare feet.
The King met Laure's gaze and smiled slyly.
Laure chuckled and pressed her head to the ground, figuring what the heck, it was all in fun.
Dor stood wearing a black silk Thai outfit in the bright sun of Siam at HSU. She did not prostrate herself, but stood there, looking uncomfortable.
Mongkut looked at her and rumbled. "Have you forgotten your place, woman?"
Laure started to get up and protest, but Dande grabbed her by the sleeve of her blue silk Thai outfit. "Shhh." Dande cautioned. "Dor has a plan."
Dande and Laure sneakily raised their heads high enough to watch the show.
Sere and Julia poked their camera equipment out from behind the palm fronds to catch this all on tape.
"Psst! Julia, do you think The Tall One knows his Puff is head pressing for the King of Siam?"
"You really want to spin him up, don't you?" Julia asked with an eyebrow cocked.
"Headlines are headlines," Sere answered with a grin.
"Fine. When he comes bellowing into the koooomoonikashuns office with his light saber drawn, you're on your own."
"Kill joy." Sere muttered. "Just think of the photo op."
Julia considered and nodded thoughtfully.
King Mongkut drew himself up to his full impressive stature and leveled his best Alpha gaze on the Librarian. He even included his patented sly smile.
Dor blinked in the sun.
Dande and Laure braced for impact.
Julia and Sere double checked the camera focus and the audo feed clarity.
"What are you waiting for Woman! You will kneel!"
Dande made a small "Eeep." Sound.
Laure snickered.
Julia and Sere made the Ho Face (tm).
King Mongkut stood impatiently.
Dor, properly Wo-thudded (TM), smiled and answered, "Well, when you put it that way," She said as she pressed her head to the ground.
Nodding with satisfaction, the king crossed his arms behind his back and strode back and forth, beginning his kingly lecture. "Siam is most exalted country, stretching to the edges of all South East Asia -
An hour into the diatribe, Dande poked her head up and looked around. Gently, she nudged her companions. "Hey, I think this place needs more flowers." She whispered. "Maybe some jasmine."
"I think some lilacs would be lovely." Laure whispered back.
"No, no. Pansy's. I mean, think of how colorful --"
Dande and Laure stared at the Librarian open mouthed.
"Shit! What am I saying? Dande! You *can't* tell anyone I was buzzing over flowers! It would ruin my rep."
Laure looked at Dande and smiled knowingly. "Aragorn."
"The concubines will be silent!" King Mongkut roared.
"What's going on here?" Qui-Gon asked as he stepped up onto the veranda. "Wishpuff, are you kneeling?"
"Well, Mastah, it's, it's. We're. Ummm."
"Ahh, the Wizard. Much I have heard of your greatness." The King smiled and offered QGJ a cigar. "Your woman is most well behaved."
Jinn raised an eyebrow and looked at Dande.
Sere and Julia leaned so far forward in an effort to get good copy, they fell from the palm tree and landed in a tumble at the feet of the two alpha's.
"Ahh! These must be my concubines!" King Mongkut said happily. "Did Sir send you? You are playful, hiding in the trees. This pleases me."
"What. Did. He. Say?" Sere asked, eyes narrowed.
Qui-Gon chuckled softly as he stepped up to try and nip the confusion in the bud. "Your Highness, I'm afraid there has been a misunderstanding."
"Shah!" Julia hissed, brandishing her tripod like a club.
Suddenly, a monkey flew from a neighboring bamboo grove and landed on the King's head. Howling madly, it clutched him fiercely, screeching and chattering quickly.
"Hey, Ophelia! Good to see you!" Dor said cheerfully as she stood up.
"It's horrible!" The King cried. "It won't shut up! Get it off me!"
After much wrestling and a few scratches, the group stood around a wrought iron cage. Inside was the Howler, a gag stuffed in it's mouth.
"I couldn't make it stop screeching." The King muttered in shock.
"I never could either." Jinn observed.
"It was horrible." Mongkut shook his head.
"I do have my light saber. It's just a thought." The Master offered.
Dande walked over and stood beside her Mastah and snuggled under his arm. "You know I'd never even think of having another Mastah." She turned big, soft eyes on Tree Top Mon. The she screamed as something bit her ankle.
"A weasel? They have weasels in Siam?" Laure asked as she watched the tenacious little creature try to hang on as Dande swung her leg around, slamming the animal into a large planter made of stone.
The rodent sat dazed on the floor as Qui-Gon rushed to check Dande's wounds.
"Izzy!" Dor drawled. "So you felt like joining the party too, hmm?" "Damn fooking ankle biter!" Dande hissed.
"That creature is a menace!" Laure hissed as she watched it slam it's own head into the potted plant again and again and again. Grabbing it by the scruff of it's neck, she stuffed it into a canvas bag. "If nobody minds, I'm going to give it to Spike."
"Should we tell her it was a princess once?" Dande whispered to Dor.
"Nah, lets see if it makes his chip go ballistic." Dor giggled.
"There, you see? Dor does giggle." Qui-Gon smirked as he bandaged Dande's ankle.
"Are you binding her feet?" King Mongkut asked with great interest. "You are a wise man, Wizard Jinn."
Still out of sorts, Dor went into the pub after the Chinese class. She sat down at the bar and Judy put a glass of Maker's in front of her. Dor pushed the glass away. The entire bar gasped collectively.
"Just some bottled water, please."
Jen Jen put her pink banana catalog down slowly. She eye'd her master carefully, wondering if this was perhaps some spell gone awry.
Kymira placed her crossbow gently on the table in front of her where she could reach it quickly in an emergency.
Even Kendra looked up from her gummy worms.
Judy cautiously took the Maker's back. "Sure, Dor, whatever you want."
She gave a meaningful look to Kendra, who ran out of the pub to get Qui and Dande. Obviously Dor was about to totally lose it.
"So, you feeling ok there, Dor?" Judy asked sweetly. Secretly hoping a huge guilt driven Wench out was not on the horizon. Just to be sure, she reached her hand under the bar to verify the location of her beloved bat.
Not that she'd ever use it on Dor. Well, unless she marked the bar top in her freakage.
"Dunno." Dor sighed.
"Well, you're not feeling, you know. Like you might suddenly head for your car, or cast spells on the entire campus, or like you might, - Oh, I don't know, nick my bar top?"
Dor sighed again loudly. "Nah. I mean, that all sounds like fun, but I guess I just lost my joie de vivre."
"Huh?" Judy asked, hand near her bat.
Dor took a sip of the bottled water and choked, sputtering water onto the bartop. Judy grabbed her cloth and began wiping up the bar top, keeping one hand on her trusty bat.
"This is water? I don't remember it tasting so bad, but it's been years since I had any. Maybe it's just an acquired taste." Dor pushed the stool from the bar, still not wanting any Maker's Mark. "I'm going to the cottage. Maybe Dande has some brownies. Don't worry, I'll send Kendra back to polish the glasses."
As Judy watched the Librarian's retreating back, she hummed a song to herself. Coming the chorus, she began to sing, "I see, a bad moon rising."
~*~
Aragorn walked with Legolas through the forest. "Other than the constant attempts to grope your ears, you're happy here?" Aragorn asked the Elf.
"Yes," said Legolas. "It is an interesting land. If we stop seeking out new experiences what is there?"
"True. And perhaps that blonde woman who visits your treehouse and hunts with you is another reason you desire to stay for a while," Aragorn said to his friend with a slight smirk.
Something changed in Legolas' expression, his face brightened a bit, his eyes twinkling with the thought of Julia, but he said nothing. The two men walked on through the forest, both steadfastly ignoring the dragon that circled overhead, shadowing them, just so they knew he could. A long time passed and Legolas said, "Perhaps that sorceress is the reason you have not tried to find your way back to Middle Earth."
"Perhaps," Aragorn admitted after a long moment.
"I have seen a sage here, he lives in a cottage on the edge of the gardens. Perhaps we should seek his counsel is this matter."
"Who is he?" Aragorn asked the Elf.
"I dare to speak it not, but if he is the one whom I suppose him to be, he is the man to help us."
"Then we shall journey to his lands upon the fall of night." Aragorn decided, his face a mask of thoughtful contemplation, his eyes a stormy mix of determination and uncertainty.
~*~
Kendra walked along the path to the cottage. She'd given up running after about, oh, four steps out the pub door. Dorotea had whatever's all the time, and she was not about to go getting shin splints for someone else's whatevers.
"Now *my* whatevers are serious." Kendra muttered as she walked along in the dark. "I mean, groping wangers is fun, but elf ears? How'd that happen? Well, they are cute but...OW!" Kendra hopped around and hissed as she stubbed her toe.
"Oh, fine. See! I'm injured now! And does anyone care? Noooooooo." Kendra raised her voice to mimic a mom's tone "Kendra! Go get Dande, someone's freaking out. Kendra! Go get Da Mastah, someone's in jail! Kendra! Where are my spectacles? Kendra! Don't touch that elf! Kendra! Stop groping men! Kendra! Wipe the glasses! You know? I've become Cinder-Fracking-Rella!"
So full of righteous, put upon Ho 'tude was our Water Ho, that, without thinking, she threw the door of the cottage open and walked right inside. Something she hadn't done since that entire "wanger incident."
Not even realizing the error of her ways, Kendra shouted "Dande! Can we talk! I've got a whole buncha new whaaaaaaaateeeeeeeeeverssssssssssss."
"Hmmmm. What did you say, Kendra dear?" Dande replied dreamily from the living room.
Kendra walked in and saw Dande with her back to her, facing the stereo. As she pressed a button on the CD player, she began to sway back and forth in her Japanese silk robe as Heart started playing.
**My love is the evening breeze touching your skin** **The gentle sweet singing of leaves in the wind** **The whisper that calls, after you in the night** **And kisses your ear in the early light**
Dande turned around to face Kendra, her long hair completely loose and flowing, eyes shut, she started to sing...
**You don't need to wonder, you're doing fine** **And my love, the pleasure's mine** **Let me go crazy on you**
"Whoa, Dande's in a major Wench-out about something." Kendra muttered.
Sighing happily, Dande opened her eyes and looked at Ken. "So you have some new whatevers? That's nice dear. Sit down and tell me all about it." Dande replied lyrically.
"Dande, this is you, right? I mean, it's not some Stepford Wench or something, is it?"
Suddenly, Kendra realized that the shower had been running when she came in. And that it had stopped some time ago without her noticing.
"Hey Dande, where is the big guy?"
"Hello, Kendra." The Master purred as he entered the room in full Jedi gear, his hair still wet from the shower.
Walking over to his Wench, he gazed into her eyes and ran his hand slowly through her hair. "I'm going to the pub, I have a meeting with Emmy about powerball." He winked.
Dande giggled.
Leaning down, he kissed her, and they shared a knowing look before he straightened up to go.
"Ewwwwwwwwww!" Kendra exclaimed, the situation becoming clear to her. "Don't tell me! You to just...I mean you were...Before I got here you both...."
"Yes," The Mastah rumbled with a smirk on his face. "And it was goooood toooo! Goodnight Kendra." With that, he sauntered into the kitchen to find his boots.
"Geez, Dande!" Kendra whined.
"Kendra, think about it a minute. The Mastah and I just, you know."
"Don't remind me! LA LA LA LA!" Kendra wailed.
"Yes, honey, but think a minute. You had *no idea. * Your Mastah/Wench bouncing whatevers are gone! They're cured!"
"Hey! Cooooool!" Kendra exclaimed happily.
"Yes, very good." QGJ said from the other room. "I'm glad that business is over. I'm leaving Puff, I won't be late."
"Have fun rigging the Powerball, Dear!"
"Rigging it? Moi? Dande! You wound me!" He chuckled as he opened the front door and stepped out onto the front porch.
"Oh, Legolas!" Aragorn cried. "It is him! It is the one whom we seek!"
"What?" Jinn asked as he looked over at the Elf and the Ranger standing in his driveway.
"Gandalf! Gandalf the Grey! You are returned from Valinor! This is a good omen!"
"Wishpuff!" The Master shouted.
"Yes, Mastah?" Dande asked as she stood in the doorway.
"Who, or, what is Gandalf?"
"Umm, he's one of those old wizards I'm so fond of Dear."
"Ahh."
Dor walked up to the cottage. "I need brownies! I'm sober and I can't be without chocolate as well!" Dor exclaimed before noticing Legolas and Aragorn.
Aragorn put a protective hand on his sword.
Dande smiled sweetly, "Dorotea, come in we'll have brownies and milk. Maybe Aragorn and Legolas could join us. Especially Aragorn." The matchmaking Wench purred. She felt that Xanatos and Dorotea would get back together, when Xanatos got a clue and realized the many errors of his ways and made ammends to Dor and Dor realized she couldn't expect Xanatos to be psychic about what she wanted, but until that time, Aragorn was a fine Warrior who would treat Dorotea well.
Before anyone could answer, a strange creature jumped out of the woods. It was an Orc.
"Uruk Hai," it growled.
Aragorn drew his famous sword and stood ready to slay the Uruk Hai. Legolas loaded an arrow into his bow and took aim.
The Uruk roared and postured, then suddenly grew silent and stood there, staring at Aragorn and Qui-Gon with great interest.
It was right then that Ellie stepped out of the woods and onto the scene.
"Dande! Hi! So good to see you. I'm here to give Fred and Daphnie their shots and...What. The. Fooking. Crap. Is. *That!*" Ellie stood stock still, only a few feet from the drooling, snarling Orc.
"Umm, I think it said it's name was Uruk-Hai." Dande offered helpfully from the safety of the doorway of the cottage.
"Ok, so it's a person thing? And not an animal thing? That's good because *No. Way.* Am I going to be the vet for that!"
The Uruk turned to Ellie and roared.
"Yeah, yeah. And you stink too." She said with a wave of her hand. Walking directly in front of the creature, Ellie made her way to the cottage and held up two vaccination syringes. "Now, were are Fred and Daphnie?"
Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other, stunned.
Suddenly the Orc twitched toward Aragorn. It appeared to be trying to make doe eyes at him. Then it thrust forward it's fake cleavage at Aragorn's face, drooling and snarling in short, breathy gasps. It was a truly hideous site.
"It's a Princess Orc!" Dor and Dande warned, their princess alarms sounding.
Aragorn took a step back. Qui-Gon shuddered and drew his lightsaber.
Legolas held his bow steadily on the Princess Orc.
Dor exclaimed, "I know a spell!"
"NO!" Everyone shouted.
Dor frowned and took a step toward the Uruk Hai with the bad doe eyes and the worst duct taped cleavage she had ever seen. The Princess Orc freaked, twitching and spasming, it roared at Dor and then turned to lunge at Aragorn.
Aragorn's sword slashed at the Orc's neck, goo and blood flying everywhere. Qui-Gon's lightsaber took off a squat, lumpy leg. Legolas' arrow pierced the Orc's fake cleavage. One of the balloons that had been the cleavage deflated with a hissing sound as the Orc fell to the ground dead.
Everyone stared at the disgusting, strange and very dead Princess Orc.
Jael and Max ran onto the scene, having heard the commotion while doing their nightly patrol.
"It's another one! We must wake the men and search the woods!" The Warrior Princess shouted.
"I think this was the only one," said Qui-Gon. "I don't sense any more in the forest. This one may have been too chicken to fight with the others."
"Typical princess behavior," Dande and Dor said, shaking their heads.
"Still, we should have the troops check every inch of the woods. Right, Max?"
"We are to start building our fort in the morning, dear. The men need their rest."
"At least you didn't say, 'Yes, dear'," Jael said with a smile, her thoughts turning to something other than patroling the woods.
"If you wanted to help with the rebuilding of the Library after the fort..." Dor said.
Jael and Max nodded. "Of course. The men need to keep busy."
Aragorn cleaned and sheathed Anduril. "I can do a patrol of the woods tonight," he told the Warrior Princess as he eyed Dor protectively.
"Yes, that will work," Jael said. "We will be on alert if the alarm is sounded."
Aragorn nodded and begin to make his way to Dorotea, trying to avoid Orc blood, guts and detached limbs.
"Dorotea, your new suitor approaches." Qui-Gon whispered. "He seems a fine Warrior, even if he does need to bathe more. Perhaps you should give this one a chance."
"Dor!" Dande girlie-squealed. "He's adorable. Are you going to try him out??"
"Shhh! A little subtlety people! Do you mind?" Dor rolled her eyes.
Aragorn kept advancing. As he drew up next to Dor, he reached for her and pulled her into his arms, "Are you unharmed?"
Dor smiled up at Aragorn and said, "Yes, I'm fine."
Everyone thought this would be the big moment. Everyone thought he was about to kiss Dor. Some of those present sought cover from the guilt fallout they assumed would follow.
As Dor embraced the Ranger, she tilted her head back, parted her lips slightly........And said.....
"Ewwwwwwwwww! You smell as bad as that Uruk Whatever! You're covered in Orc Ick! Let go of me!"
Scrambling away, Dor headed for the cottage and a hot shower and change of clothes. Dande followed to search her drawers for anything dark and solid for Dor to put on.
Aragorn looked puzzled.
Qui-Gon exhaled loudly and sidled up to the ranger. "Perhaps you should wash up?"
"You are wise, Gandalf." Aragorn said with his head bowed.
"That's not my name..." QGJ began.
"I shall remove my armor and bathe in yon pond." And he moved to do just that.
"Here now! You can't disrobe in the yard!" The Master Bellowed.
"Why not?" Ellie asked, looking interested.
"Yeah, why not?" Kendra asked, looking at Legolas. Legolas looked nervously around.
"No public nudity at my home!" Qui-Gon rumbled. He was getting a headache.
Aragorn stood next to the Koi Pond and began stripping. Suddenly, Kendra snapped out of her Elf daze and realized just what was at stake here. Growing taller and backlit by the motion sensor light QGJ put in as the newest house gadget, she appeared great and terrible indeed.
"DISTURB NOT MY WATERS, RANGER, OR YOU WILL HAVE A QUEEN BOTH BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AND AFTER YOUR SORRY ASS!"
Then, she tripped on the sprinkler and fell flat on her face.
"Aragorn, might I suggest you use the guest bathroom in the cottage? You do know about indoor plumbing, don't you? Because if you don't, I can take you to Home Depot and show you..."
The Ho's groaned.
"No! No more Home Depot talk!" Ellie pleaded.
Qui-Gon showed Aragorn into the cottage, grumbling about how a Jedi Mastah can't even retire and find peace and quiet in a cottage in an English garden.
~*~
Emmy heard a knock at her door. Sighing with exasperation she stomped over and threw it open while talking. Ok, while snarking.
"You're late, Jinn! You were supposed to meet me over an hour ago! Sheesh, keep a girl waiting why don't you. Don't you know I want to get to bed by a decent hour!"
Only, it wasn't the Master at her door. It was the General. *Her* General. The Kenobi one.
Obi-Wan cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. "You were expecting my Mastah at this late hour so you can get to bed? Did I hear that correctly?" He asked with a wicked smirk on his face. "Emmy, does Dande know?"
Now he was almost full out laughing.
"Ha. Ha." Emmy responded. "I'll have you know he was supposed to meet me in the pub! Only he never showed."
"So, you were going to go out drinking with him first before you 'got to bed by a decent hour,' were you?" He asked, chuckling.
"No! You bad thing! Stop!!" Emmy giggled. "See, we were going to meet to figure out a way to rig...umm, well. We were going to talk about a business idea."
"So you were going to try to rig the Galactic Powerball. Emmy, don't encourage his gambling, please? It's rahtha unbecoming for both a Jedi Mastah *and* a Dean of Students to be doing things like that."
Emmy tried to pout and flipped her hair. "You never let me have any fun."
"Are you going to invite me in?" The General asked from the hallway. "Or are you going to turn me out and wait for my Mastah to come up here to drink with you and put you to bed?"
"Gee, I dunno. I mean, this is a big decision for a grrl."
"Ok, well then I'll just head over to the cottage with this Ben and Jerry's and Dande and I can commiserate over our unfaithful lovers." He said with a mock devastated expression.
"You're very lucky you are so cute." Emmy laughed as she grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him into her room.
"Yes, I've always thought so." He said with a smirk.
"So, whatcha wanna do? I've got movies! Cary Grant?" Emmy suggested as she grabbed two spoons from the silver drawer.
"Ah, Cary Ghrant. Certainly. I'm bettah than he is, you know?"
Emmy looked up with her mouth full of New York Super Fudge Chunk. "Bettah?"
"Yes, Bettah, you know...Smoothah, suavah, more dashing and debonaire."
Emmy broke out in giggles.
"What's so funny?" The General asked, looking cross.
"I didn't even know you knew the word debonaire!" She snickered.
"I know a lot of things, I'm very edgemakated." He said, grinning slyly.
"Oh, are you now?" Emmy asked playfully. "And I suppose you think there are things you could teach me?"
"Perhaps, if I were so inclined."
"Mmm Hmmm. And what would those things be?"
Emmy shrieked playfully as the General pounced. Proving once and for all, he was indeed, bettah than Cary Ghrant.
~*~
After they had showered, eaten a full seven course dinner (special Wench magic?) and drank hot chocolate, Dor and Aragorn were on the front porch of the cottage.
"You're welcome to stay in the guest bedroom," the Wench offered, again. "We're very sound sleepers you know! We wouldn't be disturbed no matter what --"
"Puff!" Qui growled at his Wench.
Dande thudded.
"G'night," Dor said quickly, grabbing Aragorn's hand to lead him away from the cottage.
"Come by tomorrow," Qui-Gon said to Aragorn, "and we'll go to Home Depot and get the supplies to rebuild the Library."
"Yes, Gandalf," Aragorn answered. "I am most interested in seeing this land of Home Depot you speak of with such reverence."
Dande and Dor rolled their eyes.
"I'm not Gandalf," Qui-Gon protested again, but Aragorn just nodded at Qui-Gon, small smile on his face.
With a wave, Dor and Aragorn left the cottage and walked a way into the woods. They walked quietly for a while until Aragorn realized that Dor's hand was icy. "The place where I've been camping is not far from here. We could go there and I'll light a fire to warm you before I patrol the woods," the Ranger offered.
At the thought of Aragorn warming her in any way, Dor's guilt whatevers began to boil over. "Er, um, sit outdoors? With the snakes, critters and bugs?" She stammered.
Aragorn gave Dor a wry smile, "Have you ever slept under the stars before?"
"Does sleeping with no walls and huge holes in the ceiling count? Or sleeping in my car? 'Cos I've done both of those."
"You do not like the forests, do you?"
"Um, well, er," Dor considered, her hand still securely held in his calloused one, she traced his rough hand with her fingers and tried to push her guilt whatevers to go away. "It's just so outside and you know, nature-like."
Aragorn gave a low chuckle. "You are a strange woman, yet oddly compelling."
"I hear that a lot. Okay, not the oddly compelling part, but the strange part. Maybe we could just sleep outside a night or two. There's no way the Nurse is going to let us in the Clinic, the guest room in the cottage would be okay, but you know, Qui is a Jedi, you know, a wizard, so he like senses things, so um, I don't think so. Now, I could call Giles and see if he knows of any spells that could instantly fix the Library."
Aragorn paled slightly at that suggestion.
Dor continued, oblivious, "We could sleep in it the way it is, you know, in the crypt or something, maybe just tonight. How do you feel about coffins? But, you know, Xani's stuff is still all there. I think I was supposed to send it to him or something, I forget. I'm just gonna feed it to Draco, he can afford to buy new stuff. And there's just a lot of bad memories there for me. Okay, I'll admit not all of them are bad, but --"
During the Librarian's rambling, Aragorn realized something, if he didn't take action, there was a good chance she could go on like this all night or at least until she lost her voice and/or froze. As she continued her confusing narrative, Aragorn took off his cloak and wrapped it around her.
"And then there's my car. It's a station wagon, so there'd be enough room, but it's possessed. And it tends to be a bit on the jealous side."
Aragorn lightly kissed the top of Dorotea's head. "Dorotea," he whispered.
"Yes?" She said looking up, "You don't want to stay? I understand, that's okay, I mean, really --"
"Dorotea," he repeated patiently. "I want to stay."
"You do?"
"I do."
"With me?"
"Yes," he said with a bemused smile. "I only ask one thing."
"What?"
"Please, don't put anymore spells on my sword. Ever."
"Deal."
"Never. Ever."
"I promise."
They looked into each other's eyes for a long moment. Then another long moment. Then another. Finally, Dor said, "You're supposed to kiss me now." After all, it wasn't like she had slept through all her classes at the Wench academy.
"I've never seen you silent for so long. I was enjoying it in case you started babbling again."
"Ha, ha. I do not babble! And I am perfectly capable of being quiet. Sometimes I'm quiet for days! Okay, hours. Okay --"
The Librarian was interrupted by Aragorn kissing her. After that no babbling was heard coming from the woods. Other sounds, yes, babbling, no.
The End
Note: Dorotea is keeping her EA's for Xani and Pelham and switching her EF for Aragorn into an EA.