Title: HSU: Point Taken
Authors: Kendra & Julia
Rating: Four arrows (a little violence, bad language, implied sex, random acts of destruction)
Follows: Laure´s ‘Conference Call´
~~*~~
"Shouldn't you be there?"
"What to listen to the Diva go off again?" Julia flapped her hand, almost fell out of the tree and quickly grabbed the branch again. "Nope." She dropped to the ground, tripping over a root, almost landing on her butt, but managed to catch herself. That training with Jael was paying off!
She rolled her eyes as the Elf ran lightly along the limb and jumped to the next tree. "Show off."
"What about Gandalf's deck?" Legolas followed Julia's progress along the forest floor, while keeping to the branches. This way he could spot the dragon first and the grabby water girl never looked up. "He promised his lady that he would have that done in time for warm weather."
"There's a full Legion of Max's ....er...finest. Well, Jael whips 'em into shape at any rate. There's plenty of people helping."
Landing lightly on the ground in front of the grrl, Legolas looked serious. "I hid the boat I arrived in this land in the trees, to keep it from the grasping water girl." He looked around. "This is a beautiful land, but if there is no reason for me to be here I cannot stay." His normally bright blue eyes were rather sad but intent as he looked back to his companion.
Julia smiled fondly at him. He was honorable and chivalrous. Didn't leer at other women, didn't make trouble, or get drunk. Didn't piss the Diva off by making pronouncements, left the Nurse alone, didn't harm her husband, gave the odd man in the golf cart a wide berth, and didn't go out looking for odd meals like...raw blood.
HSU was dangerous for those types. "Legolas," she threaded her hand through his arm and they walked arm in arm for a bit. "If you want to leave, that's your choice. Cic is busy a lot of the time and I know Aragorn isn't always around. But." She stopped and faced him. "There is something you can do."
"Yes?"
The grrl pretended not to see his hopeful look. "This is a boundary marker between HSU and the other wack universities out there. No, be careful," Julia warned. "It's magical. But they've been getting fooled lately, and that's how that wack got in to the Dean's office today."
Legolas knelt and stared at the device, singing quietly for a moment. "The magic, whatever there was, is almost drained." He stood, and dusted off his knees. "They will not ward off more than a lesser goblin or barrow-wight."
"Oh." Julia frowned. "Well, that answers why so many weird things have been able to cross over." She gazed seriously at the Elf. "Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to patrol the borders of this fair land, keep out all unknown females and males, keep all Orcs, goblins, Ringwraiths, and other sundry and assorted baddies out, and shot to kill at will." She thought about it for a moment. "Cal doesn't count."
The Elf gave a solemn look. "I accept the charge laid upon me, m'lady." Taking her hand, he knelt. "I pledge loyalty to you and my bow to aide you in your cause."
Julia blinked. That intense gaze was a little... Wow. Now...what did they always say in those movies? NO. Not *that*! Geez, she'd end up married to him if she said that! That would mean no kilting, no motorcycle appointments, no leather-wearing General, no suspenders, no playing in the snow, no padawan, no.... NOOO! "Thank you." Ah, that worked. She smiled brightly and gestured for him to stand. "No kneeling from now on, okay? I am *not* a princess."
"Princess was never a bad thing until I arrived in this land." Legolas smiled and gently squeezed her hand before he released it and turned to look at the line of markers almost invisible in the snow. "It might be possible to give new life to these wards also."
"Just don't blow yourself up," Julia advised. "You heard what Dor's magic did to Aragorn's sword..."
The Elf shuddered lightly and nodded. "I will be cautious."
~~*~~
"Well...." Sere leaned back in her chair and smirked at her sister. "Nice of you to show up! Out playing with Link of the Forest again?"
"For your information," Julia held up a contact sheet. "I was on a photo shoot with the General."
Sere's boots hit the floor with a thump. "Without me?"
"I called, where were you?" Julia set her camera down on her desk, rifling through the messages there.
"I went for a ride."
"Without your cell phone?"
"The ringing makes that goofy horse go nutsen." Sere grabbed the contact sheet and a loop, eagerly examining the tiny pics. "Niiiiiice.... So. When's the next shoot?"
"Going to pay attention this time, huh?"
Sere stuck her tongue out.
"You were out there ogling Ardeth Bey last time. If Ky saw that..."
"Right. I'm worried."
Julia arched an eyebrow at her sister, then went back to opening mail. "Nekkid Braids of the Temple came in."
"OOoh..." Sere grabbed a copy of the calendar and flipped through it. "Not our best work, but tasty."
"So." The sisters looked at one another, twin grins of mischief on their faces. "Who's up today?"
"Oh look," Sere pointed at the calendar. "It's a new month! You know that means..."
"A new contest!" Julia stood and tilted her head. "Sib, if you're here, who's watching the radio station?"
"Hmm?" Sere was perusing the contact sheet again. "Oh, Tara asked if she could have a turn, so I left her with a bank full of CD's."
"Oh...." Julia didn't want to voice her fear. Voicing a thing like that while on the grounds of Hestia Hallowed often made that very thing come true.
Unfortunately, so did just thinking it at times.
The sound of bagpipes came blaring over the campus PA system.
Both grrls dove for their desks, each grabbing a pair of Air Force Rated ear protectors.
Which, sadly meant, they couldn't hear each other either.
Julia tossed the headset aside and dug through a drawer of stuff they had gotten from the Greysider. "Here. We go in, cut the power to the PA system, then raid the station and take it back."
"Roger!" Sere slapped on some green and black face camo, pulled on her black hat, and ran a quick check over her equipment. "I'm set."
The pair of Ho Commandos quietly sneaked out of the Communications Building and headed for the radio station.
~~*~~
"WE ENCOURAGE THE STUDENTS TO PURSUE WHATEVER MUSICAL TASTES THEY PREFER!" The Dean, megaphone in hand, led the parents past the stables, skirting the Fire Station, back towards the main quad. "WE ALSO LIKE TO ALLOW THEM THE FREEDOM TO FOSTER HIDDEN ARTISTIC TALENTS."
That might explain the fort, men walking around in clothing that was hip in Roman times, the chick who was wearing Xena-like armor, an Asiatic man in silk pants, with an elephant...
"ARE YOU MAKING A MOVIE?" One of the fathers looked around, trying to make sense of the chaos around him.
Eh, that worked. "YES, WE HAVE A STRONG FILM SCHOOL, COMMUNICATIONS AND ARTS DEPARTMENT!"
Spotting Draco snoozing on the Admin Building, she added, "SEVERAL OF OUR STUDENTS ARE WORKING ON SPECIAL EFFECTS AND LIFE-SIZE REPLICAS."
From the movement their mouths made, Emmy thought they were oohing and ahhing.
Hard to tell with the bagpipes now going full blare with a reel of some sort.
Time to head the tour back inside, and hope that Shana and Ellie got the tigers herded up and locked into a room. Emmy hesitated, seeing two figures dressed in dark cammo entering the radio station. "WE SPONSER A MOVIE PRE-SCREENING EVERY YEAR THAT RIVALS CANNES AND THE SUNDANCE FESTIVAL AS WELL. MANY OF OUR STUDENTS TAKE HOME AWARDS."
"C'mon...hurry up," Emmy muttered, watching the radio station as Tara began to play Scotland the Brave again.
Double time.
She´d been in the Mountain Dew again, then.
The PA system cut out with a shrill squawk, and suddenly everyone who was yelling to be heard, stopped, sighed in relief and went back to work.
The Dean smiled, ignoring the sounds of things breaking and yelling, punctuated occasionally with the bleating A chord of a bagpipe.
Tara came stalking out of the radio station, bagpipe in her arms, and stormed past the tour group. She turned back to face Sere and Julia, shaking a fist. "This means war! You cannot oppress a student, or her chosen form of expression! It's in the Charter!"
The sisters laughed and Sere yelled, "Is that the burned Charter or the invisible one?"
Tara pivoted and marched back towards the fire station, taking up her song where she'd been so rudely interrupted.
Emmy waved the tour on. "That was a modernistic take on....William Wallace and his fight against the British oppression!"
"Who?"
"Braveheart?"
"Oh!" The mother looked impressed.
"Follow me." Emmy clomped on towards the Admin Building.
There had to be some sucker willing to take this job!
~~*~~
"Mediate between a dragon and two humans!"
Spike leaned back on the bed, arms above his head and watched his lover pace with a smirk curling his lips. "One human, luv. The other is something else entirely."
Laure stopped, hands on her silk-clad hips. "I hate to say this. It goes against every grain of my being."
Arching a lazy eyebrow, the vampire sat up to recline on one elbow. "You want to leave this place and go back to Sunnydale with me? Find a cozy crypt, and torment the Slayer until she begs for mercy?"
"No." Laure´s head tilted. "Though I do like that last bit about the Slayer, but *you*," she stepped forward to trace a sculpted nail down the vampire´s chiseled chest and abdomen. "Would enjoy that far too much." Taking a moment to get a grip on things, Laure smirked at him. "Wouldn´t you?"
Spike chose his words carefully. Being into pain didn´t mean rough handling of his goods by a jealous lover. "Pet, I´m quite content with you." He pulled her across his body. "Why do you think I´m here?"
"I doubt even you know the answer to that, Spike." Laure sat up, looking haughtily down on the man below her. "I hate to say it, but I agree with the Dean."
"´Bout wot?" Not that he really cared. He was far more interested in tracing the pulsing of the veins beneath the woman´s skin.
In a purely sensual way, the chipped vamp amended quickly.
"That this place is getting carried away."
Spike´s forehead furrowed as he thought. "That wasn´t exactly what she said, luv-"
"I won´t mediate between a dragon and those Middle-earth beings. I won´t." Laure´s grin turned to the wicked as she gazed at the feast laid beneath her. "I´ll draw up a circle, put them all in it and declare it open season." She shrugged, and the lace fell from her shoulder. "Dor will protect Aragorn and Draco, and I really doubt anyone without Jedi reflexes is as fast as that Elf."
"And Julia?"
The Mediator´s eyes narrowed. "You were looking at her…"
Spike looked annoyed. "Was not!" He sighed as she kept staring. "Only after she punched me for blocking her in the hall."
"Draco wouldn´t hurt her. They´re friends." Laure sighed. "No one will be hurt at all, and they´ll resolve their grievances in a very old fashioned way. Combat."
"Are you finished now?" Spike asked impatiently.
Laure smiled, leaning over him. "I´ve just begun…."
~~*~~
"Sweetheart, do we really need one?" Max asked in exasperation as he followed behind Jael who was storming out of what would one day be the outer wall of their fortress.
Jael, with shovel in hand, stopped abruptly sending the other general to nearly slam into her. "Maximus, I want a drawbridge. And to effectively have a drawbridge, there must be something to cross. Therefore, we need a moat around our fortress," the Warrior Princess explained once again.
"Yes dear, but." Max began to object, but Jael forcefully placed the shovel's handle in his grasp.
"It will be good for security. Besides, think of all the cool traps we can set in the thing if we want to," the Ho gleamed, her mind racing from crocodiles to piranha and even underwater land mines.
Max was General enough to know when it was time to pull up stakes and retreat. And this was most certainly one of those times. For spending one night sleeping out side in the elements of their bulldozer because he was not paying attention, had taught him rather quickly that he no longer enjoyed sleeping by himself, let alone in the cold and snow.
"Yes, dear. We will put my men to work on digging you a moat right away," he agreed before walking off in search of more troops for moat building.
~~~*~~~
The next day a sound split apart the quiet peacefulness of the forest mid-morning.
"LEGOLAS!!!!"
Somewhere in the Admin Building Kendra´s ears picked up the word, and the itch, the urge, the compulsion drove her from her desk, out across the Rugby Pitch, down the Quads.
She had to find him. Had to see his ears. Touch them. Feel the rounded curves. Fondle his braids.
There was a crash ahead as something fell out of a tree with an ‘oof´, and a few quick words spoken in a lyric language. The reply was quite a bit more angry, interspersed with "damnit".
Kendra flitted forward, slipping behind a tree. Oh…this was her chance! Catch him while he was distracted and her every daydream could come true! Leaning around the tree, Kendra bit her lip.
He was bending over.
And he had a fine ass too.
It was her chance.
Gathering herself, Kendra leaped from her hiding place and charged forward.
Almost in slo-mo she saw him look up, spot her and leap upwards into the tree, far above her reach. Forgetting there was someone laying on the ground, Kendra tripped, sprawling over Julia.
"Oh, this is beautiful!" Julia yanked a handful of leaves still attached to the branch from where it was tangled in her hair and threw it at Kendra. "Are you a psychopath or something? Anywhere else this is called STALKING!" Shoving Kendra off her legs, Julia stood.
Kendra momentarily forgot about the cute ears, butt and everything else, and made a face as she looked up at Julia. "What happened to your hair?" She flinched back as the other Ho began pulling on the multiple braids adorning her hair.
"I fell asleep in a sunbeam and Mr. Pointy up there thought it would be a nice thing to see if my hair braided like Elves hair!" Julia grimaced as one braid stubbornly refused to untwine.
"He braided your hair?" Kendra looked up with wistful eyes. "Will you braid my hair?!"
"NO!" The voice from the tree was pretty adamant.
Kendra pouted as Julia smirked. "That is SO not fair!"
Pulling the last braid out, Julia huffed as she ran her hands through her once smooth hair…now…"CRIMPED!"
"It looks beautiful." Legolas kept an eye on Kendra as he jumped down to a lower limb and reached out to stroke the Ho´s wavy hair. "Like an Elven Maiden."
"Ya look like you´re about to go Galadriel," Kendra stated flatly, shaking her head as she stood, dusting herself off.
The look Julia turned on her was indeed mighty. And, though, at the moment she looked far more pissed than beautiful, Kendra took a step backwards.
"Hey,…it was just a joke." Kendra frowned. "You don´t have to get…."
"Le calina ve Naira ilwessë;" Julia intoned, taking a step towards Kendra. Kendra´s eyes widened as Julia raised both arms. "Le rín´ anda laurëa loxenen!"
"You wouldn´t dare turn me into an Orc!" Kendra glared for one split second, then did the prudent thing…and ran.
Legolas landed lightly next to Julia who was chuckling as she watched Kendra disappear from her woods. Cocking his head, he arched an eyebrow as he looked at her. "You are light like the Sun on sky; you are crowned by long golden hair?" A slow grin curved his lips. "You quoted Silvan poetry at her?"
Julia grinned. "It worked didn´t it?." She tugged gently on the braid tucked behind his ear. "I´m going to talk to Dande about these Whatevers of Ken´s." The grrl sighed as a wavy whirl of hair floated into her view. "And…maybe get some hair advice."
"It is beautiful." Legolas reached out to run a hand over her hair.
"I…I´ve got to go. I´ll talk to you later."
She was gone before he could say anything else. Legolas sighed and looked up.
No dragon.
Yet.
Time to patrol the borders again.
~~~*~~~
His Human had been spending FAR too much time with…
The Hairy One.
Draco lounged on the thick limb of a tree, and watched the tree house carefully. There had been all sorts of things going on there earlier, but he, Draco, had missed it because of particularly pesky itch right *there* behind his front arm.
He was going to shed again soon.
His Human would pay some attention to him then. She would coo over his peeling scales, and scratch in those places, like right in the center of his neck, that he couldn´t reach.
Maybe Dark Man would come back then, and Hairy One would leave.
In the meantime, he, Draco, spent as little time in the tower as possible. It wasn´t the same without Dark Man there to tease him and play chase, throw boots at him and tell him what a horrid creature he was.
Draco missed those loving exchanges. Hairy One only watched him, warily, as if waiting to challenge him.
Him! Draco! In his own home!
It was intolerable. He was of half a mind to grab His Human and carry her off.
But he didn´t know where to go.
So…he did his next favorite thing.
Play chase with the Man Who Shoots Pointy Sticks.
It was a Very Good Game, and the Man was very fast and hard to follow! Draco loved how exciting it was!
The dragon´s head shot up, a puff of smoke shooting from his muzzle as he spotted the Man leaving the tree house.
With a roar of happiness, Draco leaped off the limb and soared forward to begin the game.
~~~*~~~
'Ssssssfffttt.thunk'
"Good, excellent," Legolas commented to Kymira who grinned madly at the compliment.
'Ffffsssttt.thunk'
"Much improved," the Elf remarked with a nod of his head, JenJen smiling in satisfaction as she watched the Elf continue to walk behind his row of students.
'Ssssffffttt.thunk' "Is it on the line? I could do it over," Dande explained, shading her eyes and squinting to see in the distance.
"You are a woman of many gifts," Legolas stated, then stepped forward.
'Wwwssssttt.thunk'
Julia smiled brightly and looked over her shoulder to Legolas. "Brilliant, you could possibly out shoot many of my men back in Mirkwood," he mused with a nod of his head. "Might I suggest one thing?"
"Definitely," the Ho replied as the Elf slowly slid up against her back, a momentary flush creeping across Julia's face as his body heat radiated through her coat. Placing the bow back in the Ho's hand and readying the arrow, Legolas slowly pulled back on the string.
"Once your arrow is ready, you've chosen your mark, slowly, ever so slowly pull back on the string with fluidity. One fluid motion," he explained, slowly releasing his grasp on the string and watching as Julia took his place and did as told.
"Now let go," he whispered against her ear after waiting for the Ho to release the arrow to her mark, but she still hadn't moved.
Julia nodded absently and released the string, but the arrow only managed to fly four feet in the air before taking a nosedive. "Damn," she muttered, knowing her concentration had been thrown off by the nearness of the Elf.
"You'll do better next time," Legolas encouraged, oblivious to the flustered Ho's mumbling as he continued to walk to the next person in line.
'Ffffssssssss.swack.squeak'
"Well." Legolas began, clasping his hands behind his back and keeping a safe distance from his student as he surveyed the target.
"Freakin hell. I knew this wouldn't work!" Kendra bellowed, as she watched her suction cup arrow slowly slide off the plastic bullseye with a sickening sound before it dropped to the ground.
~~~*~~~
Ellie glanced once more through her records and couldn't help but smile wickedly. After all, it was a slow day and a grrl had to have some fun.
"Distemper."
"Rabies."
"Oh…definitely distemper."
"Why not, distemper and rabies."
"Now to hit the send button. Voila!" Ellie sighed, proud of her accomplishment of baiting a few of her fellow Ho's about updating their shot records. And she wasn't talking animals, either.
"Let's see.one more I forgot. Rabies, distemper.neutering. There, that should freak Cal out," the Ho smiled, hitting the send button on the email once more and delivering her little announcement to Cal.
"What now?" Ellie groaned, glancing to her watch. "That took all of ten minutes. What do I do with the rest of the day?" the Ho sighed with boredom, looking out her window once more and suddenly spotting Logan heading for the garage, undoubtedly to borrow Scott's motorcycle. "Oh no he's not. Not without me," she exclaimed, flying out of her chair and quickly closing the animal clinic.
~~~*~~~
"Did you see that?" Emmy asked in shock, as she and Judy pulled their chairs closer to her office door to get a better look. "Did she just do what I think she just did?"
Judy leaned forward just a little and nodded her head in agreement. "Yep, I think that was definitely a walk-by ass groping," the bartender grinned broadly, relaxing back in her chair.
"Is that all they do in there all day?" the Diva huffed, earning a raised brow from Judy.
"Face it, you're just upset because you didn't think of it first," Judy remarked as Emmy rolled her eyes and began to move her chair back to her desk.
"I don't think so," Emmy snapped, but Judy's awed gasp stopped her retreat, and she quickly rolled her executive leather chair back to the door, nearly running over Lasher's tail in the process. "What? What?"
Judy pointed to the General's office across the hall. "Just watch, I think my Padawan has made a fine art out of frontal gropage," she stated, clutching her heart as both Ho's watched the scene in the other office play out before the copier.
"Did she? I couldn't tell," Emmy exclaimed, straining her neck for a better view.
"Oh.she did alright. Get a load of how Obi-Wan is all flustered and can't work the copier now," the bartender Ho laughed.
"He could never work the copier," the Diva objected.
Judy raised her brow at the Diva and sighed. "Point taken. But still.watch.don't look away. She's going back to the copier and going to hit the start button. but just before.there! Did you see that? Amazing teasing gropage," the Ho smiled approvingly before the General suddenly pounced his secretary and the door to the outer office slammed soundly closed with a nudge from the Force.
"Well.it's about time she found another hobby besides that damned stapler," Emmy remarked, rolling her chair away from the open door since the amusement was now obscured.
Judy sniffled softly as she stared at the closed door to the General's outer office. "I'm so proud," she sighed, scooting her chair back before Emmy's desk. "They grow up so fast. It seems like just last week Kendra was using my industrial sized blender to help Tara make glitter."
Emmy groaned and stared at the other Ho blankly. "It was the other week. Remember? Dor and I had to wrestle the bat out of your hands when the blender began smoking."
"Oh.right," the bartender recovered. "Remind me to make my Padawan's life a living hell for touching my blender without permission," she quickly added.
"Done," the Diva agreed. "Don't forget Tara. I'm sure the homemade glitter was her idea to begin with."
Both Ho's nodded their heads in unspoken agreement before going back to discussing the events of Dor's love life.
~~~*~~~
The candlelight sent a soft glow over the intimate table in the quaint Italian restaurant that night. Emmy glanced over her menu and sighed contently. "Maybe I should try the angel hair pasta with…no on second thought…no…that´s not what I want…"
Obi-Wan reached to the middle of the table and grabbed a breadstick from the basket. He already knew what he was ordering, but he had learned long ago to sit back, be quiet and whatever he did, do not suggest anything to the Diva. So he opted to munch happily on his breadstick. After all, he was starved, it had been a busy day, he smirked wickedly to himself.
He was so absorbed in his thoughts he didn´t notice the table sized menu the Diva had been perusing slowly lower to the table. "What´s wrong with your shirt?" Emmy asked hesitantly, watching as the candlelight glinted off numerous places along the General´s black shirt.
The General suddenly stopped his silent musings and nearly choked on his breadstick. "Nothing, crumbs. Howevah, have you decided what you want for dinnah?"
Emmy leaned forward to get a closer look, all the while the mega-sized menu scooting the items on the table top across the white linen tablecloth. "No, that´s not crumbs. Crumbs don´t glitter in the light."
"Red wine would be nice," the General suggested, trying to grab the wine list from the table but the Diva´s hand was faster.
"Freakin hell, you have no buttons! You´ve been stapled!"
The General raised his hands in a calming manner, "I can explain. It´s really quite amusing. You see…"
"No I don´t see. And frankly I don´t want to see," the Diva snapped, brutally snatching a breadstick and using it as a pointer. "That damned secretary of yours has way too much time on her hands."
"Emmy, it wasn´t all Kendra´s fault. True, she´s been a little friskeh of late and it was my fault for not getting my shirt off quick enough…and you were sitting impatiently in the parking lot honking the car horn…"
Emmy waved the breadstick around dramatically. "Don´t you dare try to turn it around on me Mister Jedi," she exclaimed, grabbing her purse, grabbing a handful of breadsticks, and storming out of the restaurant.
"I thought it was quite ingenious to staple my shirt closed," the General loudly protested in hot pursuit, heads turning to watch the action. "Hell…"
~~*~~
"Thanks, Vas, you´re a real sweetie," Kendra smiled, accepting the de-suction cupped arrow from the cute semi-illiterate Russian.
Vas smiled, his green eyes twinkling in the office light as he watched the water girl pull out her electric pencil sharpener. "Das not good," he objected, placing his knife back in its little place on his regulation HSU fire department utility belt *slash* holster.
"Oh please, I´ll just sharpen these little babies right up and I´ll be good to go for archery practice in the morning," the General´s secretary grinned, placing the blunt tip of the arrow into the pencil sharpener and sighing at the loud screeching noise the machine was making.
"Smoke!" Vas exclaimed excitedly, noting the billowy plume coming from the overworked device.
"I´ll handle this," Kendra insisted pulling the arrow shaft from the smoking pencil sharpener and noting that it was still dull. She stood up, walked around her desk, groped the cute Russian, and walked into the General´s office to use his electric pencil sharpener. If she had to, she´d use every damn electric pencil sharpener in the Admin building to accomplish her goal.
Vas sat on the edge of the Water Ho´s desk and shook his head in amazement. "Much to learn," he sighed, running a hand across his stubbled cheek.
~~*~~
At that moment, Dor´s love life was in a bit of a flux.
Okay, the first blissful days it hadn´t been noticeable. Frigid water, ants crawling around her sleeping bag, mosquitoes… She hadn´t really minded.
All for l´amour.
Or, maybe la lust.
Whatever.
Aragorn was worth it to her. Boinking him was new, fun, exciting!
"Damnit, there´s a rock digging into my hip!" Dor shoved the man away and grimaced at a shrub of some sort that was scratching her shoulder. "Vepres morior!"
The bush slowly shriveled up until it was nothing but dried, dead twigs.
Aragorn, upon hearing the words, grabbed Andruil, which was always close at hand, and scrambled to get free of the sleeping bags.
"Where are you going? Hey!" Dor grabbed his waist, pulling him back. "I told you, I won´t do anything to your sword."
The man sat and gave the woman a long look. "Your casual use of magic is quite…disarming."
Dor grinned at the wording. "I only use it for good." She casually moved her fingers to not show as she crossed them…even though she kind of doubted Middle-earth had any such sign.
"The bush." Aragorn shook his head. "It did nothing."
"It was scratching me." Dor pointed out reasonably, and sighed. "Can we get back to boinking?" She leveled her best combo of smoky Ho eyes and alluring Wench pout on him, twirling a lock of her hair around a finger.
There were advantages to being a Wo.
Aragorn tilted his head, smiling slightly. She was charming, this woman. A combination of petulant child and smoldering temptress. Setting Andruil aside, he scooted into the sleeping bags to pull her against him. "You are beguiling, my enchantress." He nuzzled her neck, hands running down the alluring curves of her body.
"Ouch!" Dor pulled back sharply and swatted at the ant biting her. She shivered as a gust of wind blew a fine spray of snow off a drift. "Did you honestly live this way for years?"
"Yes." Aragorn looked around. "These are lovely woods. Not so thick that you cannot see the stars at night, but deep and dense enough to almost run from tree to tree."
It vexed Dor that he could forget what he was doing and wax eloquent about nature with her sitting on top of him, naked as the day she was born. Grabbing his chin, she turned his face back to her. "But didn´t you ever stay in Rivendell, in a nice room, with running water, indoor toilets, beds…"
She didn´t even want to think about that Elf chick who lived there too. Hell, she was immortal, she could wait for her turn!
Aragorn´s smile was soft, as he gazed adoringly at Dor, running his hands through her hair. "At times. Never for long."
"How long is long?" Dor shivered as the wind picked up again.
"Several days. A month or two at the longest."
"Okay, that´s it." Dor stood, grabbing her clothing and yanking it on before she turned blue and got frostbite. "Even the Elf doesn´t sleep on the ground! He lives in the trees, off the ground, out of the snow and the cold, and I bet he even has plumbing!"
"Plumb-"
"Indoor toilets!" Dor yanked her trusty Doc Martens on. "Don´t ask how, this is HSU, anything is possible!"
"Yes, I am beginning to see that." Aragorn hurried to get dressed.
"We are moving in with Legolas," Dor said, eyes glinting with a manic light. "I don´t mind the sleeping bags, but the rocks, the ants, the…aw shit!" She started scratching at her shoulder. "Crap! Poison Ivy!"
Aragorn, wise and swift, the greatest woodsman of his land, bundled up the sleeping bags, slung his sword over his shoulder and was already moving before Dor got more than four angry, stomping steps away. He didn´t know how he was going to explain this to his Elven friend. Maybe he wouldn´t even get the chance. Odds were good that Legolas would hear Dor´s ranting long before they arrived.
He only hoped the Elf wouldn´t fill them full of arrows on approach, as wary as he´d been lately. He was getting hair-trigger reflexes from being groped and stalked by the odd little blonde named….Deandra or Kensha… Something like that. There were a lot of new faces and Aragorn was still learning them all.
Funny. He didn´t remember things ever being this difficult when he was a Ranger, hunting Orcs, living off the land, sometimes running for his life.
HSU was a deceptive place – a place that tested a man´s heart, soul, mind…and body in ways the Ranger/King had never experienced.
He had been in the Fellowship of the Ring. Fought the forces of evil. Wooed and won an Elf Maiden´s heart (which he *never* mentioned around Dor), and won a throne.
None of it had prepared him for HSU.
Aragorn hurried to catch up with Dor as they neared the Elf´s tree house. "I had better go first, Dor. Events of late have made Legolas wary of visitors."
Dor flapped a hand, scratching madly at her shoulder. "That´s just Kendra."
Dor eep´d as she was suddenly tackled and an arrow zinged past her ear, feathers almost brushing her ear it came so close. She was on her feet in an instant. "What the fuck do you think you´re doing?!" She glared into the forest, not certain where the pesky archer was, but more than willing to curse all around if she had to. "I oughta call my dragon down to fry your pointy ears for that!"
"Dor…" Aragorn put a hand on her shoulder, leaning forward to whisper in her ear, "This is not a good way to foster a friendship with someone in whose home you want to abide."
"Oh." Funny, the Nurse never minded the yelling and cussing. Kind of enjoyed it as a matter of fact.
"Legolas!" Strider stepped forward, staring at one tree. "Don´t shoot, old friend!"
Dor jumped as the Elf seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
Nowhere near where her Ranger was looking, she noticed with a smirk at him.
Aragorn gave a shrug and wry grin, and stepped forward to speak to his friend.
It was interesting. Dor was beginning to pick up on some of the Elvish language, but they spoke so fluidly and fast, it was impossible to follow. And the Elf wasn´t the most expressive person. Neither of them were.
Scratching absently at her shoulder, Dor looked around and then began to fidget impatiently. "It is cold out here…"
Legolas shot her a wide-eyed look from around Aragorn´s shoulder that almost made her laugh out loud. How could anyone so old look so curious?
The two seemed to come to some sort of reluctant agreement, and Aragorn gestured for Dor to follow. Speaking in a low voice he told her, "He has agreed, but I do not think we should over stay our welcome. Elves are very private beings, and not given to meddling overly in the affairs of mankind."
"I don´t want an affair with him," Dor replied with a grin. "Just a room. And privacy is fine with me!" She waggled her eyebrows.
Aragorn smiled in agreement and kept his doubts to himself. This was going to be about as much fun as walking through Moria´s goblin-infested traps…and potentially as hazardous.
~~~*~~~
Judy hummed as she finished polishing her bar, examining it carefully for signs of water damage or glass abuse.
The mahogany was flawless.
With a last flourishing polish, Judy capped the secret formula she used to preserve the wood, and knelt to stash the bottle away in its secret compartment under the bar.
"What the hell is that?" Judy tugged on the white thing lodged between the back of the compartment and the bar, finally pulling it free. Straightening, the bartender shook her head in amazement. "No wonder my Padawan has been freaking out with groping whatevers!"
Shaking her head for the foolishness of underclassmen, Judy made a mental note to warn her apprentice about being careless with dangerous things. "An EA form with her name, her signature and no designated EA! No wonder the girl is wonky!" Folding the form up and putting it in her pocket, Judy finished closing up the bar, before heading off in search of her Padawan.
~~~*~~~
Early morning. Mist rose off the field in a thick blanket of white, partially obscuring the bales of hay and the archery targets.
"Who hogged all the hot water this morning?" JenJen groused as she shivered, huddling closer to the fire. "I washed my hair in freakin cold water!"
Ky yawned, watching carefully for the arrival of the archery instructor. "I think Ellie was up washing the tigers in that flea med crap that makes them smell for a week."
"The Mastah and I had a nice hot shower," Dande said cheerfully as she re-checked her bow. Her eyes got dreamy for a moment. "His hair is so thick, so –"
Kendra sidled over, hiding something behind her back, momentarily distracting the Wench from her happy shower memory. "Morning."
Was the Water Ho´s grin a bit…manic this morning?
Dande´s Wench senses picked up an anomaly. "Kendra, dear, are you all right?"
"Fine. Wonderful. How are you?" Kendra looked around. "Where´s Legolas?" She darted her gaze around the mist-shrouded fields. "Is Julia here yet?"
"Just walking up." Ky pointed with her bow.
Julia joined the group, yawning. "Legolas said he´d be here in a minute. He had unexpected guests last night."
"Oh?" Kendra arched an eyebrow, noting a braid tucked behind the other Ho´s ear. "And who would that be?"
The two Ho´s squared off, glaring at one another. Dande stepped between them, her Wenchiclorians protecting her from the scorching Ho Glares of Death. "Girls, never let a man see you arguing over him." She smiled knowingly. "Be mysterious. Alluring. But never catfight in front of a man."
"He´s an Elf," JenJen corrected.
"Same thing, dear." Dande shrugged lightly.
"Take your marks, please!" Everyone jumped as Legolas appeared out of the mist without a sound. The Elf moved to the end of the line and watched his students as they lined up. "Bows up. Place an arrow and acquire your target." Legolas paused, and walked down the line to stand behind the girls. He looked at Kendra, noting the odd arrow she was using and debated if he wanted to even know.
The Dean had banned the Ho from using sharp-tipped arrows.
This one wasn´t…exactly…sharp. It was… Well, rather …malformed.
It was shorter than normal, and looked a bit burned on the end.
The Elf decided he really did not want to know, most certainly did not want to hear the explanation or get close enough to be groped again, and let his gaze roam down the line of women waiting for his word. "Fire!"
If only Legolas had known how stacked the odds were against him this morning, he might have stayed in his tree house.
Well, maybe not, considering the noises Aragorn and Dor were making. Had made all night.
And he had thought rabbits were notorious.
Bows sang, sending arrows zinging towards their intended targets.
Four hit their mark.
The fifth? The fifth was Kendra´s funky little arrow of her own making.
It shot through the air, completely bypassing the target, zipping past the hay stack and flew off into the thinning mist.
Kendra stomped her foot. "Damn!" She noticed everyone looking at her and frowned. "What?"
Before anyone could answer, the wind picked up, blowing away the mist, revealing….
Chaos.
Kendra´s arrow shot straight for the King of Siam´s elephant. Mahot, tending to the animal, was talking to Cal, showing the other boy how he asked the elephant to lift and carry things to aide in the construction of the new tower.
It was sheer, stupid luck that the elephant moved when it did, avoiding the arrow, which instead hit Cal with a dull ‘thunk´.
After all, it really wasn´t *that* sharp.
It didn´t even stick, or break his skin.
Cal shrieked as though the fiends of hell had ripped his heart from his chest, waving his arms, and doing a freakish little dance of agony.
The elephant, who was used to the quiet confines of a compound, flapped its ears, raised its trunk and let out an ear-shattering trumpet as it charged away from the strange little thing emitting the shrieking noises.
Mahot, holding the elephant´s lead, was dragged along in its wake, yelling for it to stop.
The construction workers, who were really miners, who were actually Roman soldiers at heart, heard this commotion and looked up to see an elephant charging them.
Romans from their time were not known for their fondness of elephants. They had this odd fear of them, all due to…
"HANNIBAL IS ATTACKING!!"
Roman soldiers scattered, looking for weapons, hiding places, anything to get out of the path of the rampaging elephant, who crashed through the construction site with an elephants casual disregard for manmade things, flinging wood around with its trunk and charging onwards.
Still dragging Mahot.
"What the…?" Jael looked up from her plans, saw the elephant rush past and grabbed her sword. "WHO LET THAT ELEPHANT ON MY WORKSITE?"
Spotting Cal still jumping around and screaming, Jael decided it had to be his fault, and marched out to go give him something to cry about.
And the elephant continued on its path of destruction, now heading for the Quad.
~~~*~~~
"Cic!"
"I´m here." The man looked up from where he was talking to Qui-Gon about how to finish the deck.
"Time to come back in." Darry nodded at Qui-Gon, gesturing to her husband.
"But we were just talking about wot to dew with the –" Cic turned as he heard an odd rumbling noise. His eyes widened and he grabbed Darry, tumbling her to the ground as the maddened elephant thundered past, just missing the Jedi Master, who hadn´t moved.
"Did yew see that!" Cic sat up, gawking after the elephant and the young man it was dragging.
Qui-Gon reached up to push his hair back out of his face, and sighed. "I warned Wishpuff against letting a large animal loose around these girls." Still muttering, he marched off to go find Obi-Wan.
Forget the deck, he needed an ale. And maybe that show they liked would be on. The one where the machines battled it out, trying to destroy one another. His Padawan was fond of that one. Robotica? Maybe it was on. If not, there was always NASCAR…or bass fishing…or….
"Are yew all right, love?"
"What the fuck was that?!" Darry glared towards the Quad. "I told you it was too dangerous out here, Cic!" She stood. "C´mon. All this excitement has made me horny."
Cic didn´t argue.
~~~*~~~
"Oh…my …" Shana grabbed her binoculars, training them on the Quad. "Laure! Come here and look at this!"
The Mediator rushed in, grabbing the other set of binoculars and looked out the window. "What is going on?"
"Looks like ….oh shit!" Shana scowled. "Those were my favorite roses!"
"Look!" Laure pointed. "There goes Obi-Wan. Is he going to try and stop that elephant?"
They watched as the General sprinted out on the Quad, running to stand directly in the path of the elephant. He watched calmly as it approached, taking a stance and staring at it.
"Holy shit….he´ll be run down!"
The elephant saw the man in black, and suddenly….strangely felt compelled to slow, to walk….
The elephant stopped, flapping its ears before gazing down to the battered form of Mahot. Gently it used its trunk to pick the handler up, where Mahot swayed.
The General walked over to pat the elephant and speak to Mahot.
"Show´s over." Laure sighed and put the binoculars down.
"Yep. Back to work." Shana tossed her binoculars on her desk.
The two looked at each other and started laughing. "Coffee break!"
~~~*~~~
The Archery Class watched the whole thing unfold in front of them, like some surreal panoramic play.
"Oh shit," Ky summed up as Mahot pointed towards them.
The General nodded and turned to start walking towards the archery range.
"Time to go." JenJen was right behind Ky, high-tailing it out of there.
"I´d better go see if the Mastah needs anything!" Dande hurried off to find her husband.
Julia spotted Jael marching towards them also, and grabbed Legolas´ arm. "I think class is over."
The Elf, utterly stunned by the carnage caused by one errant arrow, looked blankly at Julia.
"For once, I´m in agreement!" Kendra dropped her bow. "You´d better run, Legolas!"
"But…I did nothing…"
"Grab his arm, yeah, stop gaping, and come on!" Julia and Kendra each took one of the Elf´s arms, trying to urge him off the field. "Legolas, lelya!"
The elvish term penetrated his shock and looked at her. "No, this is my doing. I am the instructor. Though I still do not understand how…"
Kendra, quite happily feeling up his arm, shrugged. "I´m a trouble magnet?"
Frowning, Legolas broke free of the two and stepped forward to speak to the General and the Warrior Princess.
Julia crossed her arms and turned to glare at Kendra. "You have to the count of three to start running."
"What?" Kendra protested. "I didn´t- "
"One." Julia took a step forward.
"I won´t be blamed." Kendra crossed her arms.
"Two." Julia pulled her bow forward.
"Kendra! Julia! Ovah here, please." General Kenobi waved them over.
"You are so dead."
Kendra stuck her tongue out. "I have issues."
Julia rolled her eyes, but left it for later. Right now they had some explaining to do.
~~~*~~~
"More dishes!" Laure dumped another stack of dirty plates and silverware in front of the two Ho´s with a chipper grin. "How´s the water, grrls?"
"Fine," Julia replied with a tight smile. "Why don´t you join us?"
Backing away from the Ho wielding a sponge and fire flashing in her eyes, Laure chuckled and walked out of the tent to return to the impromptu al fresco luncheon the General and Dande had arranged as a way of distracting everyone from the days events.
Kendra was absorbed in playing with the bubbles created in the water by the dish soap, blowing the bubbles off her hand and catching them again.
Water Ho´s. Julia gritted her teeth and chucked a bowl into the rinse water, splashing Kendra and dousing her bubbles. "Oh…sorry."
Kendra turned on her. "There is NO reason to despoil perfectly lovely bubbles just because your hands are getting all pruny!"
"My hands!" Julia puffed hair out of her face. "What about yours?"
Drawing herself up regally, Kendra haughtily answered, "I am the Empress of the Waters. My hands do not prune."
"Fine, Raisin Hands, get drying."
Kendra glared at the other Ho, but went back to working on clearing the enormous pile of dishes that was growing every moment. "This is so not fair. I mean, it wasn´t our fault that Cal was in the wrong place at the wrong moment, as always, and got hit with my arrow."
"It would have nailed him no matter where he was," Julia agreed. "It´s the Empirical Law of Calness. Every nasty thing seeks the lowest common denominator."
"It´s all because everyone tried to take my arrows away!"
"Oh please!" Julia scoffed. "You have too many issues to be handling pointed objects." She lifted a soapy hand to point a finger. "Including elf ears!"
"You´ll be here all night at this rate." Emmy strolled in and shook her head. "Still arguing over something that isn´t important. This is where Ungratefulness leads, grrls. I tried to warn you of the grief, but you wouldn´t listen."
"You are SO possessive!" Kendra totally ignored the Dean. "If you would just let me get in a few quick feels-"
"I am NOT Ungrateful!" Julia informed the Diva Dean, who snorted and flapped a hand. "And you DID get to feel up his arm today!"
"And it was niiiiiiiice…." Kendra´s grin was huge. "I forgot that as an archer her would have strong arms." Her eyes went dreamy. "I bet his shoulders are real tight too."
Emmy saw the storm warnings and left the two to their own doom. She had a huge, hot, dark chocolate brownie Dande was holding for her, and *that* was not to be missed! "Later, grrlies!" Emmy chuckled as the two continued to argue. "Much later from the sound of things."
"And he probably has good hands, strong, nimble fingers…."
Julia dumped the entire contents of her bucket of soapy water over Kendra´s head. "That should cool your ardor!"
Kendra´s mouth opened as bubbles ran down her hair and stuck to her nose. "Oooh….you…insecure, tree-hugging, arrow-hogging…."
"Yeah?" Julia crossed her arms. "What are you gonna do about it?"
Kendra reached up, grabbed a glop of the bubbles currently residing in her hair and lobbed it at Julia, nailing her in the face. Smirking, she crossed her arms. "How´s that?"
"Oh, baby, you asked for it!" Julia scooped up a handful of bubbles and fired back, yelping as Kendra upended her rinse bucket over her head.
Soaked, covered in bubbles, the two paused, eyes wide as they heard Obi-Wan´s voice.
"Thank you, Cal. That´s kind of you. I believe you can take the dishes right in there."
Cal and Mahot walked in, both carrying a pile of dirty dishes. Cal almost dropped his load at the sight of two soaking wet Ho´s, gulping and shakily setting the dishes on the table.
Mahot averted his eyes. Such things never occurred in his Majesties home! He sneaked a quick peek then looked away quickly.
"T-the General said to…um…bring…these here?"
Kendra and Julia looked at one another, conspiratorial smiles curving their mouths.
"Right over here…."
It didn´t take long to convince Cal that he and Mahot should really be doing the dishes, because that was what the General said. Wasn´t it better than cleaning up elephant poop?
Giggling to themselves like the co-conspirators they were, they sneaked out of the back of the tent and headed for their rooms.
In the hallway, they stopped, still laughing.
"Yeah, but I´m stuck with Nerf Arrows now." Kendra pouted. "I can´t believe the General would do that to me!"
Silently thanking the General and promising to make it up to him at the appointment she had that evening, Julia just nodded. "Well, you did burn out every single pencil sharpener on campus, Ken. Guess you´re stuck with the old crank ones now too."
Kendra huffed, throwing her hands up in the air. "That´s just ONE more thing to hold against me! Kendra don´t do that. Kendra don´t touch! Kendra, Kendra, Kendra!" The Ho looked around, realizing she was suddenly alone. "Julia? Oh fine! Desert me! Leave me to walk the cold hallways alone and …hey, Vas! What are you doing up here?"
~~~*~~~
Sere´s voice came over the radio, capping up the day´s events.
"And so, Hestia still stands, proud and stately. Despite some people´s efforts to the contrary….
Construction on the tower will begin again tomorrow, sans the elephant as no Roman soldier will return to the site. Max and Jael are assuring the troops even now that it was not Hannibal, it was merely Mahot and one pissed off elephant.
Archery Class has been cancelled for tomorrow morning at the request of the instructor. His only words were not in any language this reporter could understand, but the tone was that of a peeved Elf. Welcome to HSU the reality, Legolas.
The Dean would like to remind any qualified applicants that the PR position is open. She is conducting interviews, but the location of these interviews is not her office. ‘You may have an interview if you can damn well find her´, end quote.
The Librarian has this reminder for all students with overdue books. ‘Bring them back or you´re Orc bait´, end quote.
The Nurse would like to reiterate that she is not a doctor, damnit, and that all emergencies should go first to her Padawan, Ellie, who runs the animal clinic and can take care of anything short of death. If you have a true emergency, the Nurse says to call 911.
Tara will be conducting Fire Inspections of all rooms and offices next week to be certain they are up to Code Standards. If you have any questions of the Fire Safety Codes, please consult the online references that Shana was supposed to have in place two years ago.
The HSU Communications Department is once again selling The 12 Treasures of the Temple Calendars. Chocolate bars are acceptable currency.
Good night Ladies, and remember, today determines tomorrow. Sleep well!
~~*~~
Judy flipped the last chair onto the tabletop and sighed tiredly. It had been a long, eventful day. Thankfully, her precious pub had been spared the mayhem of the day's destruction at the hands of her padawan and others. Hell, *mostly* at the hands of her padawan and this sudden arrow fetish the Water Ho had developed.
"Oh," Judy remembered, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the blank EA form with her padawan's name on it. "This could explain a lot."
"Explain a lot of what?" Obi-Wan asked, swaggering into the pub. "Hope you don't mind, Judith, but I saw your light on," he confessed in that sexy purr of his.
"Oh.no, I never mind you darkening my doorway," the Ho smiled wickedly back. "And as for explain.well." she began, backing up towards the far table and discreetly placing the EA form on the far side, near the window. "I was just thinking about Kendra and the mess."
The General nodded his head in understanding as he followed Judy to the bar. "She just has."
"Issues," Judy sighed, making the General laugh as he pinned her against the edge of her beloved bar.
"Yes, issues. Howevah, that can be an endearing quality from time to time," he grinned. "Now, let's not dwell on the day's chaos. Let us dwell upon the night," he wolfishly suggested.
"Let's," Judy sighed, as the General grasped her about the waist and lifted her to the bar top. "Boots," the Ho warned, making the Jedi chuckle before he did as instructed, and removed his boots.
Both were too busy with inspecting the bar top to notice the slight breeze that flitted about the room from a window left slightly ajar. General and Ho, both oblivious to the single sheet of paper that had been left discarded upon the table top, float weightlessly into the air and out the window where it fluttered upon the cool night wind. It slowly hit ground and tumbled aimlessly about campus before finally coming to rest under the bleachers. In the soft glow of moonlight the only words distinguishable was 'EA' and Kendra, and so the night began.
~~~*~~~
*Coming up next. Startling revelations and accusations against an Estrogen County institution of higher learning. Please stayed tuned, 'The Lost Word'; with Candy Taffy is up next. *
Kendra sat at her desk chomping happily on gummy fish. Her portable TV on the edge of her desk, as she watched with rapt attention.
The General walked into his secretary's office and sighed after hearing the announcer's promo. "Kendra, love, must you watch that rubbish?"
Waving her hand to shush him, Kendra leaned forward and cranked up the volume. "Shhh.they're about to blow the whistle on Wanker U. I'm sure of it," she said with glee.
The General raised a brow in curiosity. "Really? You realize this show some of you grrls are hooked on is nothing but gossip?" He remarked, taking a seat on the edge of Kendra's desk, staring at the television as well.
Kendra griped when it became apparently obvious that the great revelation and shocking story was not about Wanker U. after all. "Damn, I was looking forward to that. It's only about those stupid princesses at Princess Academy," she sulked, quickly losing interest as soon as the fuzzy, dot-covered face of a poorly coifed, over processed red head filled the screen with her bawking.
The General grunted in agreement and was about to leave as his secretary reached for the power switch. But both unexpectedly froze in their tracks.
*We have proof that the President of Hestia State University, a one Obi-Wan Kenobi, General, is obviously hair-challenged, as well as being.How shall I put this delicately? Unable to perform." the fuzzy faced Dean of the Princesses whispered with a screech.
The General's jaw dropped and he stumbled rather ungracefully off his secretary's desk. "Damn! That was cold!" Kendra snapped angrily. Just as she began to object about liking his face how it was, and about the wonderful 'performance' the General gave her just this morning, the Water Ho's attention was jerked back to the TV.
*And as for the President's personal secretary-there is resounding evidence that she is suffering from Wangeritis, and fears.well, you know.a lady never repeats such words. In addition to said malady, she has webbed feet and hands. *
Kendra gasped indignantly while the gummy fish that was in her hand dropped slowly to the floor. The Ho pointed mutely to the TV screen while glancing to her hands just to make sure they weren't webbed. "That.that.she.that."
"Bitch!" The General supplied helpfully, glaring at the TV.
Kendra nodded her agreement, "yes, thank you. This means war! We should sue their sorry asses on the People's Court.no Judge Joe whatever-his-name-is.no better yet, Judge Judith."
~~~~*~~~~
Meanwhile in the Dean's office:
"Yeah, yeah.I'm turning it on now," Emmy replied into the phone, pressing the remote. "Just calm down, Dande. It couldn't be that bad. I don't know how you can watch this trash."
* The Dean of Hestia State University is quite the menace. Do you know 'she' was once a 'he'? It's true. Our sources have documented evidence of the Dean being called 'sir' quite repeatedly by many on campus. There is also the possibility that 'said' Dean is also in possession of deadly and dangerous weapons and has been known to assault numerous persons, with 'said' weapons of choice. *
"What the fuck?!" Emmy shouted, throwing her clunky shoe at the TV set along the far wall. "They will die! All princesses shall die by my hands!" she said a bit maniacally, as sparks flew from the now smoldering TV set. "I'll kill them right after I kill that damned King."
~~~*~~~
In the radio station:
"High-res scope, tranqs that would take down that Siam dude´s elephant in two breaths, grappling hooks, rope, pepper spray." Sere looked up. "What else?"
Julia briefly held up a CD, shoving it into the machine, hitting and play and cranking the feed up as high as it would go. "CD with Weezer sings Celine Dion and Barbara Striesand´s Greatest Hits. Routed directly through Wanker and Princess Academy satellites, and set to repeat. If they try and re-route, it´ll just up the juice."
"I set the tv station to broadcast directly to them too." Sere´s grim smile was pure evil. "Non-stop re-runs of Dor and Darry´s Infomercial selling that porno tape of theirs."
"Doctoring our photos," Julia muttered, eyeing the razor-sharp tips of the arrows in her quiver. "Fuckin Princesses. The ones we don´t turn into Orcs, are gonna be pincushions." She grabbed her bow and headed out the door.
Sere shouldered her rifle. "As if we would even spy on their campus! What, duct tape 101?" Locking the door, the sisters nodded.
Wanker U and the Princess Academy were going to find out just how nasty the HSU Media could get.
~~~*~~~
High up in the treehouse:
*.Sources also report that Hestia's own resident Librarian is a witch and is a dabbler in the dark arts. *
Aragorn and Legolas glanced to Dor who was sitting comfortably before the battery-powered TV she had Haken deliver to the treehouse, along with other necessities.
Both men swallowed thickly. "What?" Dor questioned.
"Are you truly a." Aragorn hesitated.
".Sorceress?" Legolas finished, his hand slowly inching towards his bow.
Dor gazed once more to the TV and sighed.
"'Tis it truth, you work in the black arts?" the Elf demanded.
"Don't rush me! I'm thinking!" she exclaimed as she leaned back in her favorite leather chair and concentrated.
~~~*~~~
In the cottage:
*.He's a Home Depot addict. While digging through the trash.err.while deeply undercover, we found numerous receipts that back up this allegation. *
"Sorry Diva grrl, I've gotta run," the Wench whispered urgently into the phone. The sounds of Emmy's raised voice still ranting and raving could be heard in the background just before the line went dead.
Qui-Gon clutched the arms of his recliner in a death grip and shouted, "Wishpuff!"
"Yes, Mastah. Now please, calm down. Think about your blood pressure. And please, don't wake your daughter," Dande calmly tried to urge.
"Calm down? Did you hear what they accused me of? I am not a Home Depot addict. It is after all a home improvements store. I improve our home, do I not, Wishpuff?"
"Yes, Mastah." the Wench began, then glanced outside the cottage window and watched the latest delivery truck from Home Depot pull into the drive.
"And did you hear what they said about you? Preposterous! You could not single handedly deplete the ozone layer with your use of hair spray."
Dande's eyes narrowed as she quickly whipped her head around to see her Jedi. "The Bitch said what?" the Wench shouted, Cara's sudden cries could be heard in the background.
"You need not worry yourself over this, Puff. I will handle this," Da Mastah growled lowly, his voice rumbling in his chest.
The Wench even in her irate state, promptly thudded.
~~~*~~~
At the firehouse's daily poker game:
"Somebody should really take the keys to the engine away from the Capt'n," Roux remarked casually, placing his bet upon the kitchen table.
Tyr smirked. Vas smiled unknowingly, thinking Tara was just going for another leisurely ride, not on a mission to destroy Princess Academy with the engine. And Jamie sighed irritably at being interrupted during the poker game by Tara's threats that all Princesses must die horribly.
"I'll get them away from her," Ross spoke up, quickly making his way across the spacious kitchen. Only to walk soundly into the doorframe, dropping like a stone as he knocked himself unconscious.
"Somebody go pick him up," Roux ordered, as Vas and Tyr groaned, then drug the lifeless body to the side.
~~~*~~~
Above the clinic- no below the clinic- no behind the clinic- Hell nobody has really seen the inside of the clinic since the remodel so we don't know where the Nurse resides:
"Are yew alright, love?" Cic asked cautiously, nervous of the purple sparks that now flickered from his wife's well manicured nails.
"They're fucking toast! I do not. Have not. Will not. Use anything other than Hershey's damnit! They'll pay for those lies!" the Nurse glared, the smoldering, melted remnants of the TV filling the room with smoke, promptly setting off the smoke detectors, which in turn set off the sprinklers in the Admin building.
~~~*~~~
In the mediator's office:
"Spike! Kill!" Laure ordered her sexy vampire. "How dare they accuse me of lip-synching during my act! And my shoes are NOT K-Mart Blue Light specials!!" She huffed. "Only four hundred dollar shoes hold up to Princess bashing."
~~~*~~~
In Shana's office:
"Oh.they are so going to be sued for liable. I triplicate every freakin piece of paper around this joint," Shana snapped, slamming the top drawer of her desk closed. "Lindsey!"
"And how dare they even think that my roses are fake. Damnit, can't they tell the real thing from those cheap ass crap flowers you buy from an art store? Oh they're going down!"
~~~*~~~
In the Pub:
"Watered down? I don't think so," Judy snapped, slapping her trusty bat against the palm of her hand as she debated on if she should beat the TV sets in the pub once more.
"The worst margaritas in town. rigging the bets. They are soooo going down under the weight of my trusty bat!"
~~~*~~~
In Jen's apartment:
"What do I want for breakfast?" She mused aloud, stumbling out of bed late. It's not like she had a library to go to after all.
~~~*~~~
And so the entire campus learned of the outrageous untruths. Each Ho, Wo, Wench, and Jedi vowing to sort through the mess in their own ways. If Princess Academy were very smart-which obviously they were not-they'd be afraid about now. Very afraid.
The end.