Title: The Hos of the Ring
Author: Jael
Disclaimer: I am a senior in college. I own nothing. I have nothing except huge debts. Upon graduation, I will still have nothing... so sue me if you want, but the judge is just going to laugh at you. I know you own it. You know you own it. Get over your whatevers.

* * *

Cal had been missing for quite some time. No one had noticed, of course, but all the same. It had all started one day...

FLASHBACK:

Commo and Cal were driving along the edge of the lake in the RB's electric Chariot (read: golfcart), entirely too fast, when the Emperor suddenly slamed on the breaks and put it in reverse. "Beep, beep, beep" cried the little cart, as it promptly got stuck in the mud on the shore of the lake.

"I could have sworn I saw... there, on the far side of the lake. It is my sister!" cried Commo.

Cal squinted against the bright sunlight and looked across the lake. All he saw was a white garbage bag, and a bit of gold tinsel fluttering from the branch of a skinny tree. "Where, your highness?"

"There, can't you see-- she is right there. I can see the gold of her earrings glinting in the sun!"

Cal sighed. He liked Laure's EA, but sometimes this sister stuff was a little more than he could stand. Why couldn't this man be more like the General? The General never mentioned his sister.

"You, peasant, swim across the lake and fetch her."

"Uh... your highness... you know that I... well, I can't really swim..." stuttered Cal, a bit late, for Commo had already shoved him into the water.

Cal came up gasping for breath, and flailing his arms, as if he were going to drown. He was only in waist-deep water, but this is Cal we are talking about, no great genius.

By the time Cal finally waded to shore, muttering under his breath something about, "It's so pretty, my precious" and squeezing a small object in the palm of his hand, Commo had already sped away in the cart to lands unknown.

That was just as well, as far as Cal was concerned, that grubby little emperor would probably try to take away the pretty ring Cal had found. "Those women, they will want this pretty ring, they must not have it!" he thought as he ran for the mines, where he would hide, the power of the ring corrupting him into something gaunt and evil. Some things are forgotten, that shouldn't be...

* * * Present Day: (evening on the rugby pitch)

Jael sat around the fire in the camp, telling stories to Maximus' men. The dark night made the forest seem sinister, and she looked like nothing less than a beserker with her hair askew and the war paint on her cheeks, as she told the men the legend of The Ring.

"There was a great battle, and the one true ring, forged by the evil Lucasdon, was cut from his hand. It fell into the hands of the grandfather of Queen Gettalay, and was then lost after he was assasinated. Legend holds he died here in these very woods, and the ring was lost. Now, the evil Lucasdon is without a body, but much like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he is but waiting to rise again. Should anyone find the ring, and place it upon his hand, an army of demon hell-chickens, led by the fallen Chicken Wraiths would descend upon its wearer, and the world would fall into eternal darkness!"

The troops shivered at the tale.

Jael jumped when a hand grasped her shoulder, "Scaring the men again, are you Jael?"

Jael smiled. "Who me?" she asked, as she winked at the men and led Maximus away. They both ignored the hoots and lewd shouts from the men as they left...

* * *

"So, how are the archery classes going?" Julia asked, as she warmed her hands by the fire in Legolas' tree-house.

"They seem to be going well. And no one has tried to touch my ears all morning."

"Well, you shouldn't have any more problems with that, but I'd keep an eye out for Kendra." Julia replied. Suddenly she shivered, "Do you feel that?" she asked.

"Yes, yes I do." replied Legolas, his hand reaching for his bow. "Let us go to the castle, I have a bad feeling about this."

Julia bolted from her chair and was halfway down the tree before Legolas followed. She knew, as well as you dear reader, that it was NEVER a good sign if someone said that.

* * *

"So, we were walking home," Jael was telling everyone in the pub...

"Wait," interupted Laure, "Where exactly were you walking? Do you have a home now? Last I heard you were shacking up with Max in a bulldozer..."

Jael gave Laure the look. "This is a matter of grave importance..." she said.

Laure rolled her eyes.

"Anyhow, as I was saying, we were walking home, and we thought we heard wailing coming from the mines. We investigated, and there is something down there. You should all stay away until we can figure out what. It might be dangerous." Jael finished, and looked around the room. No one ever seemed to understand how important it was to follow her orders. There was a chorus of "Whatevers" followed by drink orders, and an argument from the corner table about Survivor.

Jael sighed. She and Max would have to handle this before someone decided that EA rules didn't apply in the mines and head there against her warning.

Just then the door flew open, and a cold wind swept through the pub. There in the doorway stood Julia, hands on her knees, gasping for breath. Behind her stood the new archery instructor, not winded at all by the run from the forest to the Pub.

"There.. forest... baaad" gasped Julia. Kendra rushed over, and helped Julia to a chair, accidentally brushing against Legolas'... um... ears in the process.

The now blushing elf said, "What the Lady is trying to tell you is that there is something evil in the woods. We both felt it, and whatever it is, I fear it is approaching."

"I KNEW IT!" cried Jael, smiling from ear to ear. "Alright girls-- this is it. The Commando Ho's will assemble in thrity minutes, prepared for battle, on the front steps of the admin building. Maximus- prepare your men. Someone tell Darry to prepare for injured. You're dismissed." As the Ho's filed from the room, off to find their Commado Uniforms (Black leather, if I recall) and their weapons of choice ("One Louisville Slugger coming up," yelled Judy from behind the bar) Legolas headed to the clinic to alert the healer of the impending doom.

* * * "Who does that man think he is? Calling away my husband to help him put on his armour? Jael knows more about the buckles on that man's armour than Cicero does, I can promise you that!" fumed Darry, as she slammed drawers in the clinic.

Legolas was thankful that being an elf gave him excellent reflexes, it allowed him to dodge the phone that was hurled in his direction when he opened the door.

When the Nurse saw who her visitor was, she forgot to be pissed at Max for a brief moment. "It's about time. You're over due for your physical..."

* * *

Somewhere in Testoterone County, and army was being forged in the pits of hell. The early scouts had been deployed, and the Wraiths were close to finding the wearer of the ring.

"Soon, my precious, we will be reunited," a disembodied voice whispered, his voice snaking out through the forest, following the orcs through the underbrush. Little did they know the Hos would be prepared an waiting...

* * *