Title: HSU: It's a Nice Day for a Goth Wedding
Authors: Dor, Dande and Darry
Rating: PNM -- Pre-Nuptial Mayhem
Notes: This is going to be an Epic fic...lol, you've been warned. If you're not in this part, you're not out of the woods yet, there's a lot still coming...we just need to write it. *G*

"The girl is at your side, are you gonna do it
She wants to be your bride, are you gonna do it
She wants to multiply, are you gonna do it
I know you won't be satisfied until you do it"

Power Station, "Some Like it Hot"

~*~

"We need vows," Dor said, standing in front of Xanatos, who was playing Harry Potter on his Gameboy Advance.

When he didn't even look up, she conked him over the head with her latest can of Sobe Adrenaline. "Vows, Xanatos!"

Without looking up from the game, Xanatos answered, "Vows for what?"

"THE WEDDING!" Dor cried as she reached for a Jolt cola.

Xanatos shuddered as he contemplated vows. Sighing deeply, he began..."How about that old standard 'Til death do us part' crap" He suggested as tachycardia set in.

"You're taking the easy way out!" Dor hissed as she popped more NoDoze.

"Easy? You call that easy?" Xani huffed, incredulous. "That took all I had not to pass out! I hope you appreciate that Ms. Speed."

"I mean the 'Til Death' thing.” Dor snickered. I'm a witch. Do you honestly think we'll be parted in death? I'm the queen of the undead. Or, wait, that didn't come out right. I mean, I raise the dead. Yeah, that sounds better.

Xani paled, even for him, and muttered, I vow never to drink bad water and get drunk again, then promptly fainted, falling out of his chair and onto the floor.

Dor shook her head and walked across him, stepping hard on his back. I need golf shoes, she muttered.

Aragorn looked up from the wall he was plastering and very cautiously asked, Love, how do you plan to keep him from fainting during the ceremony?

Dor waved her hand dismissively. I don't care as long as he's awake for the 'I do' part.

Aragorn glanced at the Greysider sprawled on the ground and exchanged a look with Bail, who was currently folding napkins into the shape of bats. Bail shrugged and held up a lopsided bat napkin. I think swans are a bit more traditional?

Fuck traditions, the Librarian said, pushing buttons on her cellphone quickly, Hello, yes, I was interested in having some ice sculptures made," Dor flipped through the pages of her notebook, "Um, I need gallows, a coffin, and a guillotine. Oh, and the coffin has to be open, because I have a body to put in it. NO! It's not for an early Halloween party, it's for a wedding! Gods!

At this, Pelham, who was hand painting roses black, shook his head. And I thought being hanged was unstylish.

Dor ignored Pelham and looked up from a spiral notebook that she had been making notes in. I need bridesmaids! And Xanatos needs a best man. We need ushers! We need groomsmen, she kicked Xanatos, then poured a bit of her energy drink on him. Arise and walk! You have work to do before the dark dawn.

Xanatos sputtered and sat up. Perhaps you could just kill me now? Nice blaster shot to the head, a killing spell? It would be less painful. Maybe a suicide/homicide? Or a double homicide?

Dor rolled her eyes and then smiled sweetly at the Greysider. But love of my life, I was saving that for the honeymoon.

Xanatos stood up. A cruise would be nice...

Dor kicked the future groom. Hell, no! I'm not making it that easy for you to dispose of my body!

Laure walked into the Library. Dor do you have the latest copy of, 'Mediations for Mediators Who Do Too Much'?

Um, what?

My professional magazine subscriptions? The books I special ordered? Is this still the Library?

Dor huffed, I'm trying to plan a wedding! I don't have time to do real work! Check the box over by the front desk!

Laure looked over to the main desk. There were indeed two boxes, JenJen sat on one and had her feet up on the other as she paged through the latest issue of Good Vibrations, circling her faves with a red pen. Ooh, the General will love this one! Ooh, and Rick would love that one!"

Laure shook her head. If anyone around here actually worked, it'd be a miracle!

Oh, hey, while you're here, Laure, I have great news for you! Dor said enthusiastically as the men behind her made warning gestures at Laure.

Run, run fast, Bail mouthed from the table, waving a deformed bat napkin like a matador.

And the man looked fine with the matador thing going on, let me tell you.

Laure backed toward the door. Yes...., well, I need to be going...Cal! Cal needs me.

Dor ran forward and grabbed Laure's sleeve. You're a bridesmaid!

Oh, goodie?

Dor nodded, smiling widely. And you get to sing at the reception too!

Oh joy, The mediator/lounge singer deadpanned. Stop Dragging My Heart Around? Foolish Games? Bad to the Bone?

Find Another Fool, Xanatos interjected.

Dor frowned, launching a can of Sobe at the Greysider which he diverted with the Force.........into Aragorn's newly plastered wall.

Aragorn frowned at the Greysider. He does that on purpose. The ranger muttered.

Building a Mystery.

I'm trying to build a wall! Aragorn said, pulling the can of Sobe out of the plaster and glaring at Xanatos.

Xanatos walked over to the future King and put his hand in the plaster and then wiped his hand on Aragorn's shirt. Oh, yeah. What of it, Scruffy Woodsman?

Aragorn bristled. His hand shifted to his famous blade. I am Aragorn, heir of Isildur, and I'm just as much of royal blood as you. Shall we handle this like men?

DON'T KILL HIM BEFORE THE WEDDING, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RAISE HIM FROM THE DEAD AND DO ALL THIS PLANNING! Dor screamed at both men in agitation and to be heard over the din as she pushed the button on the espresso machine.

Do you think you could kill me? Xani looked hopeful.

Aragorn shook his head in disbelief as he tried to wipe the plaster off his shirt.

Hey! Is that my shirt? Xani demanded as he grabbed the collar of the black silk pirate shirt Aragorn had on.

I don't know. With all the black silk and leather pants around here, one cannot tell. The Heir of Isildur remarked wisely.

Oh, you can't tell... Xani began, mimicking a taunting, playground tone. "Perhaps MY MISTRESS should take care to find different types of men for her harem! That way, at least none of them would *steal* my clothes!

As I asked before, do you wish to handle this like men? Aragorn asked again, hand on the hilt of Anduril.

Dor ignored the bickering men and turned back to Laure. Don't mind them. They bicker all the time. And I want Spike is to sing White Wedding at the ceremony!

Laure smiled and waggled her eyebrows. He'll love that. And I'll love the black leather he'll be wearing. Are you wearing white, Dor?

Xani made a muffled choking noise. Dor threw a spell book at him. A rather large one.

OW!

Hell, no! Dor pointed to a black and red velvet and silk dress hanging upstairs in the loft. I'm wearing that. Donna made it!

Pelham sighed heavily. You can't wear long sleeves and velvet for a summer wedding. Tell her, Lady Laure.

Well, if she wore white, the guests might die laughing and then Dor would have to spend her honeymoon bringing us all back from the dead.

See! Dor yelled at Pelham, then she realized she had been insulted, sort of, anyway. Hey! Wait a minute, Laure!

But Laure had already made her escape.

By this time Aragorn and Xanatos were pushing each other. Bail and Pelham sighed heavily and walked over to the bickering duo.

Okay, there's no need to act like Wookies at a Senatorial function.

You're going to rip his shirt, Pelham huffily said to Aragorn. Pelham looked at both men for a moment. Let me see if the Nurse will let me borrow her camera.

While Pelham knocked on the half-finished wall, Dor joined the men. Okay, we do not have time for this! Look at this list of things to do! Dor said frantically, brandishing the notebook about. We have to stick to the schedule!

Hey, wait a minute! Xanatos exclaimed, "He's wearing my leather pants, too!

Dorotea gave them to me.

Xanatos, face red with fury, turned his head toward Dor. Are you giving my clothes to your harem? Do you even know whose clothes are whose?

Dor took another swig of her energy drink and replied a bit frantically, Does it matter? How am I supposed to keep track of whose clothes are whose? I'm busy planning a wedding here! Do I have to do everything?

Does it *matter?* Xani sputtered, Does. It. Matter? Are you SERIOUS? Keep *my* clothes off your *boy toys!*

Oh look, Pelham said dryly to Bail. The First Consort is pulling rank.

Bail suppressed a snicker.

At this point the Nurse entered the Library. Here! She said to Pelham, handing him a camera. No, not you, she said into the phone at her ear. I want you to touch me riiiiiiight theeeeeere, her voice fell to a whisper and Dor grabbed the phone away from her.

The Nurse's fingernails sparkled with electric purple flashes. Give me the phone, Librarian.

I will, Dor said. But first I need to tell you the good news --

No.

You haven't even heard it yet!

I can't. Busy. Find an easier way to torture Xani. Blow the Horn of Gondor or something that doesn't involve me having to do anything. PHONE. NOW!

Dor said a quick spell and a tape came flying through the air, hitting her in the side of the head. Hmm...need to adjust that spell a bit.

What's that? The Nurse asked suspiciously.

A phone call between you and Chancellor Palpy. It would be a shame if Cic accidentally heard this over the HSU radio waves...

Er. Um. Bitch.

Witch, actually. But you should be flattered, you and Dande are my Matrons of Honor! You get to plan my bachelorette party and help me get dressed on the big day!

Sure. Fine. Whatever, the Nurse said as she grabbed her cellphone back and stomped off back to the Clinic.

And Pelham, you're going to be Xanatos' Best Man.

Pelham arched an eyebrow.

I already have video of that, the Nurse called out from the Clinic.

Poor Pel, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Bail joked as he patted LP on his lavender shoulder.

Dor rolled her eyes, turning back to Aragorn and Xanatos. Let go of his shirt, Xanatos!

Xanatos let go, pushing the Ranger backwards so he started to fall. Aragorn caught himself and pulled his sword.

Xanatos rolled his eyes. Oh, please. Do you really want to die before you're even King? He asked, his hand on the hilt of his lightsaber.

Dor stepped between the men. STOP IT! Both of you! Xanatos, you need to go with Qui-Gon to pick up the wood for the gallows we're going to stand under for the ceremony. Aragorn, the wall, please!

Aragorn nodded at the Librarian, sheathing his sword, but still glaring silently at the Greysider.

Xanatos dropped his hand away from his lightsaber and said to Dor, After we're married, they're all leaving and it's just going to be the two of us!

What? Dor said, feeling a rising sense of panic that the Greysider was talking about getting married without fainting.

You heard me...After the wed-- HOLY SHIT! What did I just say? Xanatos said, a look of confusion passing over his face. I don't feel well, I need cookies, he said as he turned and stomped out of the Library.

Dor stared after him for a long moment and then muttered, I need my car, and rushed out of the Library.

*~*

Xani approached the cottage door in full on fluster. Married under a gallows, how fitting! He sniffed as his hand reached for the brass filigree door knob.

Hello Xani! The Wench smiled in full wattage as she swung the door wide while Xani's hand still hung in the air above the knob.

Whaa?

Wench Radar dear, you know. She explained happily as she grabbed the dubious groom by the arm and pulled him into the Chintz Sanctuary.

I'm just so excited! I've got so many ideas to go over with Dor, tell me, is she coherent just now?

Well, mostly. Xan managed to reply before Dande went off on another tangent.

Now, I've made you and Qui some cookies, they're on the dining table. You two can have your 'man talk' there. But do be a dear and go out to the Master's shed and get some soda? I keep it out there when there's no more room in the pantry.

Yes Mother.....I mean, Yes Dande. Xani answered with a befuddled look. What's happening to me? What's with me and the is 'good son' routine! I must be getting soft. Soft in the head, most likely. Or it's just all the stress from the wedding plans. Yes, that's it, stress.

With a shake of his head, he started across the yard, past the Koi pond, and to the shed beyond.

Wishpuff?

Yes Mastah? Dande chirped as The Big Man joined her in the kitchen. He was very grounded, fresh from his latest round of meditation to deal with constant state of chaos around him. He mediated a lot these days. That and bouncing seemed to keep him on an even keel at HSU.

Did I hear Xani's voice? He asked as he bent to kiss the top of her head.

Yes, Mastah Dahling. His Wench smiled. He's in quite an uproar. It's just adorable.

Adorable? The Master asked, quirking an eyebrow. I hardly recall Xanatos in a foul temper to be......Adorable.

Oh, he loves Dor so much. He's just afraid to admit it, even to himself.

Qui-Gon harrumphed but grinned as his Wench shot him a sharp look. Maybe so Puff. But I wonder if they will make it to the alter. Where is the groom-to-be?

I sent him to the shed to bring some soda in for me.

The Shed?

Yes, Mastah.

*My* shed?

Well, yes Mastah. But he's never bothered anything in there before.

No,no Puff, think a minute.

Dande nodded vaguely and tried to concentrate.

Remember when Nurse Darry came over last week?

Mmmm hmmm. Dande nodded.

And, why did she come? QGJ prompted.

Well, we had a great time chatting, she showed me her new handbag, we talked about going to Coruscant to see the Emperor.......Ummm, the new Emperor Mall complex........

And? Qui prompted.

Oh! And she asked if she could stash the elder Du Crion somewhere until the ceremony! Dande beamed, proud of herself for remembering.

Yes, that's right Puff. And where did we put him? The Master asked gently.

Oh my........ Dande answered, looking stricken.

Just then they heard Xani scream from the shed.

~*~

Dor kicked the Volvo's door and it popped open. The Librarian climbed into the car and began rummaging around for bottle of Maker's. She finally found one, but it was empty. Dor whimpered at the empty bottle, then muttered, "Just as well, it would probably make me pas -- sleep and I have too much to do. I never realized planning a wedding could be so much work!"

The Volvo heard it's true love's words and began to purr. It had won the heart of the True Love. All It's devotion, all It's loyalty! At long last it would only be the two of them. Forever and always with none of those obnoxious men around. It revved it's engine in glee.

Dor sighed heavily, found a can of Sobe Adrenaline and drank it. She grabbed a couple of bags of Skittles out of the glove box and jumped out of the car. Too much to do to have a crisis. She kissed the top of the Volvo as she closed the door. "It'll all be worth it in the end."

The Volvo honked in agreement as the Librarian made her way to the Administration building. Once Dor was out of sight, It began it's demented plans for It's future with the Beloved.

~*~

Dor walked into Kendra's office and sat down on the secretary's desk.

"No."

"I haven't asked for anything yet!"

Kendra looked up at the Librarian. "I'm connected, Dor. I know you're making your way across campus to recruit slaves to help you with the wedding."

Dor clucked. "Not slaves! Bridesmaids!"

Kendra made a face. "Same difference. I'm not wearing black PVC and Doc's, nor am I going to build miniature coffins for table decorations."

"You can wear whatever style black dress you want to the wedding. I just thought that something that was easy to hose off would be good in case there was bloodshed.

"You're planning for bloodshed at your wedding

"I'm just being practical."

Kendra nodded. She had to admit, that was good planning on the part of the Librarian.

And Aragorn is going to make the coffins. The fire department is going to help him. Roux is going to make specially shaped chocolates -- bats, nooses, that sort of thing." Dor continued.

Kendra nodded. "What do I have to do

Dor smiled happily, popping a few Skittles in her mouth. "I need your Super-Sized Spectacular Spectacular Stapler for the wedding."

My *baby?* Kendra gasped.

Kendra, hand over the New, Humongo Jongo stapler! It's for a worthy cause! Dor countered. Does it have a built in coffee maker like Em's new chair? Because that would be a huge help.

"Shhh! Not so loud! The General is in his office."

"So

"He doesn't know I ordered it. If he finds out, he'll hide it from me!"

"Oh! I won't tell. Just bring it to the wedding. Might need it if Xanatos tries to escape at the last minute."

Kendra nodded "Um, so you really think he's going to show up, eh

Dor smiled wickedly. "I'm sure he will. He's spending the night before the wedding with Qui-Gon. There's no way Qui will let him skip town before the wedding. Anyway, Xani knows it's a game, he won't stop playing until I do."

"Ga --"

Kendra was interrupted by the General stepping out of his office. "Kendra have you seen my glasses

"On your head!"

"Oh, yeah, there they are," Obi-Wan said feeling the top of his head.

"Apparently the Force doesn't help with common sense," Dor teased.

"Dorotea," the General said, leaning to kiss the top of her head. "How's my favorite bride-to-be

Dor smiled sweetly at the General and popped a few Skittles in his mouth. "Busy! Weddings are a lot of work! Bail is a lot of help though! Thanks so much."

At the mention of Bail, the General's face fell. "Yes, Bail, the charmer of the pub every evening," the General grumbled.

Dor chuckled. "You want me to take him on the honeymoon so you can be the charmer of the pub again

The General laughed. "And what would Xanatos think of that

Dor shrugged. "As if I care!"

The General exchanged a look with Kendra and Kendra just shrugged as well. Dor popped a few more Skittles in the General's mouth. "I've got to run, millions of things to do!" She said as she scooted out of the office.

The General turned toward Kendra. "Where did you say my glasses were

Kendra huffed and started to grumble at the General, but then saw the twinkle in his eyes. Kendra waggled her eyebrows and beckoned the General. "Come a bit closer and I'll show you."

The General pounced.

~*~

As Kendra and the General pounced each other, Dor made her way to the tree-house. Unfortunately, Elves have very, very, very good eye-sight. Before Dor had even come within 100 yards of the tree-house an arrow went swishing by her ear. "Not funny!" She knew that if the Elf had wanted to hit her, he could've easily done so.

Another arrow whizzed by her face. "I have Skittles!" The Librarian said, quickly pulling out the other bag of Skittles it and waving it.

The arrows stopped and Dor climbed up the ladder to the tree-house, wondering why someone as smart as Legolas was he hadn't put some sort of lift in. "Elves."

When she walked into the treehouse, Dor found both Legolas and Julia waiting. "Oh, good, you're both here."

"No!"

"No!"

"I haven't even asked for anything yet!"

"We've heard --"

"Geez, this place has better grapevine than Hogwarts! Listen," Dor said, thinking she better speak fast before they sent her to Galadriel. "All I want is for Julia to photograph the wedding. Please!"

Julia thought for a moment. This wedding was bound to have lots of memorable events to catch on film. The groom fainting, Dor stapling him to a wall, all the objections..."Sure, but I'm not wearing a black latex dress!"

"Whatever," Dor said. "Thanks! And Legolas," Dor started, smiling sweetly.

The Elf took a step backward. He had been at HSU long enough to know what a smile like that meant. Trouble.

"I might need you to house a few out of town guests."

Julia snorted. "Your family

"No, they think I'm dead and/or missing and I see no reason to distress them with the truth. I was thinking of the ushers and Palpy."

"The Supreme Chancellor and his guards Julia asked in disbelief.

"Well, the Four Seasons is already booked. Some sort of huge shoe convention."

"No!"

"You want Darry's family then

"Okay, Palpy. But only one night!"

"Thanks!" Dor called as she quickly made her way out of the tree house.

Legolas looked at Julia. "Which one is she getting married to again

"The tall, dark, scarred one."

Legolas wrinkled his brow. "What of Aragorn

Julia shrugged and snitched the Elf's bag of Skittles. "I have no idea. She's a nutter."

~*~

WHY ME? WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SOO FUCKED UP! Xani yelled as Dande and the Master joined him in the shed.

Is that a rhetorical question? QG asked with a smirk on his face.

Now Xani, Darling, just calm down... Dande started in on Wench spin control.

You! This is *YOUR* fault! Xani stammered at Qui.

My fault? *My* fault? The Big Man asked, incredulous.

Of course it's your fault! You killed him once! And THAT ruined my life! If you had killed him right, this wouldn't be happening now, would it??!

Xani! Dande muttered, aghast. Listen to yourself!

Xani flinched at the full on Wench Tone of Shame (tm).

Well, it's true. He muttered, scuffing his foot in the dirt.

It most certainly is not true. QGJ huffed, rising to his full, and rather impressive height. I did not kill your father Xani. Holding up his hand at Xani's disbelieving face, The Master went on. It only *appeared* so. I tried to tell you years ago I didn't kill your father. You wouldn't believe it."

Well gee, imagine that! I mean, there you were, holding an ignited lightsaber, and there he was on the ground. DEAD. TheGreysider sneered. Call me crazy but......It looked bad.

Well, obviously, there's been some mistake, Dande stepped into the breach and soothed. I mean, he's right here, and he's very alive. Mostly.

He's alive? Xani asked.

Yes, quite alive. Dande smiled.

Let me get this straight. He is not now, nor has he ever been......Dead? He asked.

Xani, people don't just come back from the dead. Dande started, before hearing a scoffing sound from the Master. I mean, at least, not usually. This place is kind of the exception.

Xani, your father was never dead. I never killed him, and he is not the product of one of your fiancee's spells.

Xani stood there, stunned, trying frantically to get his mind around the events unfolding. You mean, all these years........All this time I've been so tortured.....All that anger....All that suffering....All that....All that...

Brattiness. QGJ interjected with a grin. Dande shot him a Wench look.

All my ANGST...was for nothing?

'Fraid so. The Master truly tried to hide the smile. He *tried.* But you all know the old saying Do. Do or do not. There is no try.

Yes Xani, and you can be happy now, isn't that wonderful? Dande gushed.

I feel sick. Xani muttered.

Xani, you'd already begun to let go of some of the old anger. QGJ began gently, placing a hand on his former padawan's shoulder. Your father being alive should make you happy.

It does, I guess. But you know, the angst thing was working for me.

Well, I'm sure you can find something else to be upset about if you try hard enough dear. Dande answered.

"Like Dor's harem," Qui muttered under his breath as Dande elbowed him.

But for now, lets wake your father up for the wedding, shall we? Dande quickly said.

Xani reached out to nudge the defrosted shoulder of His Majesty, The King of Telos, when suddenly, he stopped and turned to the pair. Is he ok? I mean, is he...You know? A vegetable?

A what? QGJ asked, looking confused.

You know, mentally deficient, brain dead.....Not there? Xani continued, shuddering.

Well, I don't know dear, was he like that before? Dande asked vaguely.

Xani, if he is, we'll deal with that as it comes. One cannot change fate. Besides, you can't say you never wished I would just sit and stare. QGJ deadpanned.

Ha ha. Now you get a sense of humor. Xani muttered as his thawing father began to stir.